COVID Christmas Fallout, Vol. 19, Issue 74

Did those of you celebrating Christmas have a nice holiday, in spite of COVID? Aside from foregoing any Large Gatherings, how did you adapt? What new tradition or innovation did you try?

For Etiquetteer, this was the year to attempt for the first time Dear Granny’s recipe for eggnog, which a cousin fortuitiously sent along. It’s a lot of work to fill one tiny glass, and you don’t work off as many calories as you drink, but it’s worth the effort! Here goes, Eggnog á la Granny:

INGREDIENTS (per person)

• One egg, separated

• One tablespoon bourbon (Etiquetteer used rum)

• Sugar as desired

• Whipping cream

METHOD

• Beat egg yolk with manual egg beater (not electric) while dripping in bourbon one drop at a time, until palest yellow.

• In separate bowl, beat egg whites until they thicken and peak, adding sugar as desired. (Etiquetteer just couldn’t quite get the egg whites that stiff.)

• Fold whites into yolks carefully.

• In separate bowl, whip cream with manual egg beater or wire whisk, adding sugar as desired. (Etiquetteer has no idea how much cream per person; just pour until it feels right.)

• To serve, pour eggnog mixture into your very best cut glass punch cups, crystal sherry glasses, or jelly jars (this last from Dear Cousin), top thickly with whipped cream, dust with nutmeg, and serve with a Perfectly Proper cocktail napkin.

That napkin will truly come in handy for Gentlemen with Facial Hair, because there is a 90% risk of an Eggnog Mustache. Dear Cousin recommended serving with sterling silver teaspoons for scooping, and it’s not a bad idea. Eggnog parties were a Victorian tradition in the American South. Food Republic offers some good advice about how to serve eggnog for a Party Larger Than One.

Dear Etiquetteer:

Did you ever get a holiday card that was obviously sent only after they received your card? Not sure how I feel about those.

Dear Carding:

You’re implying that the sender’s attitude is more transactional than generous. But without knowing it, you’ve just described the Card Dispensing System adopted this year by That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much. And that came about just through getting started on cards in the second week of December and wanting especially not to miss anyone who had already sent one*. The winter holidays — all of them — celebrate generosity of spirit. Assume that those sending you holiday cards do so because they want to, not from any feeling of obligation.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I live near a couple in their mid-sixties, one of whom has had eye surgery and the other is not comfortable driving at night. They're of the opinion that only the elderly are getting the very serious cases of COVID19 and he all but refuses to wear a mask. (Masks are mandated everywhere in the state where we live so he grudgingly complies). The three of us were chatting on my front porch last night (from a social distance) and while we were trying to find Jupiter and Saturn she mentioned they had reservations for a local drive-through Christmas light show but that she wasn't thinking and wouldn't be able to drive them to it — but maybe a friendly neighbor would take them. (That'd be me.) I said something about being in a car together might not be a good idea. To which she questioned "Even with masks?" I playfully suggested that since they have a relative on the police force, maybe they could get a police escort.

All that is to ask, in the time of COVID19 where do you draw the line at being a good neighbor?

Dear Drawn:

Etiquetteer thinks you’ve just found where to draw that line, actually. In general Etiquetteer is very sympathetic with the needs of the elderly who have greater concerns about driving, and especially about driving at night. But a Christmas light show cannot be described as an essential outing, regardless of any mental health benefit**. And since your neighbors are taking a less careful view of the pandemic than you are, it’s much wiser for you to decline to drive them, even with masks on and all the windows down. You strike the right note with your light banter about luring their police relations to escort them. But were your neighbors to insist on your assistance, you would need to be gentle but firm: “My attitude about the pandemic is really stricter than yours, and I am just a lot less comfortable than you are in that situation. Thanks for respecting the choices I’m making for my health.”

*Etiquetteer keeps looking over his shoulder, and That Mr. Dimmick is still not finished. And today is the third day of Christmas!

**Christmas lights are beautiful, and therefore soothing to the spirit. The traffic problems and neighborhood disputes they sometimes spawn are not . . . but that’s a subject for another time.

Pre-Christmas at Random, Vol. 19, Issue 73

Five days to Christmas! Around America people are struggling with how to say “I’m so sorry your gift didn’t get to you on time” when all we want, at the end of this annus horribilis, is a Perfectly Reassuring Christmas. There’s no hiding a gift that isn’t actually there to hide, and there’s no euphemism to gloss over it. Besides, it’s no secret that the United States Postal Service is overwhelmed with mail and packages. The best thing Etiquetteer can offer is bravely to suggest that we bring back the original Twelve Days of Christmas and make every day that a package arrives between Christmas and Twelfth Night another Joyous Celebration. “Oh look, you made my Fourth Day of Christmas so wonderful; your gift arrived!”

That might still be cold comfort, especially for Little Ones relieved that Santa Claus is OK now that Dr. Fauci has flown to the North Pole to vaccinate him. Depending on the state of deliveries by Christmas Eve, parents and/or grandparents may need to pave the way that this Christmas is going to be extra-long as Santa’s helpers from USPS and other delivery services work extra magic. For the rest of us, sympathetic understanding is the order of the day.

Speaking of which, last week Etiquetteer spent exactly one hour in line at the neighborhood post office, from arrival to departure, and was full of admiration for the postal staff on duty, who remained as calm and unflappable as possible. Not only that, no one in line pitched a fit about the wait or other difficulties! These moments of Perfect Propriety stand out. Truly, we are all in this COVID crisis together.

Last week’s column about Joseph Epstein’s condescending suggestion that Jill Biden drop her “Dr.” honorific brought some interesting reactions. They ranged from endorsement of “First Lady Dr. Biden” to deprecation of non-medical doctors of any gender using “Dr.” outside academia. After a few weeks of receiving holiday greetings by mail, Etiquetteer has to wonder how many more years this will matter, as more and more people are omitting honorifics altogether. Does it make sense to get upset about how a form of address is being used if it’s dying out? Mr., Ms., Mrs. — and now Mx., decidedly established as the honorific for those who prefer not to be identified by gender — are gracious and useful components in how we address each other, and it is still Perfectly Proper to use them.

All this makes Etiquetteer think wistfully of the salutation “Dear,” which is on life support. Once the bare minimum way to begin written correspondence with any sort of civility*, the rather more freewheeling ways of email are eliminating this Introduction of Gracious Correspondence.

There was also a lot of talk over on Etiquetteer’s Facebook page about guests at holiday meals who don’t like things too fancy. One prominent suggestion was to serve the offender with paper products but not to alter the service for anything else. Others were more punitive; while expressing revenge fantasies often feels like comic relief, Etiquetteer must smilingly insist that they are Not Perfectly Proper. Etiquetteer still thinks “Your gift to me this holiday is to enjoy how I do things in my house” is still the most Perfectly Proper way to go, and will be most interested to hear what results you get if the situation arises at your Great Feast.

Finally, if you’re planning to travel for Christmas, it’s not to late to change your plans and stay home. The recent rise in COVID numbers has alarmed many, and scientists are trying to determine exactly how Thanksgiving observance may have contributed. Traditional etiquette, of course, demands that once an invitation is accepted, attendance is mandatory. During the Time of the Coronavirus, however, cancellations are Perfectly Proper, even on the day of the event. If you and your bubble change your plans, be honest, but kind. Don’t say someone has tested positive or contracted the virus if that’s not what happened! Say that you’ve changed your plans out of an Abundance of Caution (Etiquetteer does love that phrase) and fear of putting your host and other guests at risk. It is not necessary to go into specifics.

If you are a host and you get a call like that, it’s Perfectly Proper to feel disappointed, but not to share it with your guests. Believe Etiquetteer, they are disappointed, too! Express sympathy and joke about the volume of leftovers you’ll have in the fridge. Express love and care for them.

Etiquetteer wishes you Joy and Safety and Perfect Propriety in the Week to Come. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, reach out! Etiquetteer wants to help.

*Omission indicated an absence of any cordiality. The explorers Sir Richard Burton and John Hanning-Speke grew to hate each other with such cold, irrational hatred that near the end of their correspondence each began his letters to the other with only “Sir.”

Guests Who Dislike "Fancy," Vol. 19, Issue 72

Dear Etiquetteer:

My husband and I love to entertain. I especially enjoy getting out the Good Stuff (china, crystal, silver, cloth napkins, etc). A dear in-law of mine, however, insists on toning down the formality of the meal and libations by insisting “we can use our dinner plates for dessert instead of using the little plates”, and “no need for cloth napkins when we’re just drinking.”

I enjoy using dessert dishes and cocktail napkins, but the idea of “less work for the hostess” seems to trump my “you are worth this effort” mentality.

I don’t know if these comments spring from jealousy, or if knee-jerk self-deprecating comments are part of her family tradition. These comments do, as younger folks used to say, “harsh my mellow.” Reassuring her has no effect, so perhaps I should work on my mellow.

Sigh. Thank you for taking time out of your Perfectly Proper day to read my email.

Dear Hostess:

Here we have the battle between “My house, my rules” and “A guest can do no wrong.” Etiquetteer intuits a profile of your Dear In-Law as senior to you in age (whatever your age is - Etiquetteer knows you Never Ask A Lady That), of a maternal character, unable to host holiday meals at home at this point, and inclined to Bossiness.

There are limits, and Dear In-Law has exceeded them. It’s time for you, as hostess in your own home, to take a Perfectly Proper stand for your standards. When* this comes up again, you need to look Dear In-Law square in the eye and say in your most loving and compassionate voice something like “I love doing things this way, and you’re sweet to care about how much work I’m doing. But it isn’t work if you love it, and I love it. Your gift to me this holiday is to enjoy how I like to do things in my house.” Eye contact is extremely important here. Don’t flinch. And if that doesn’t work (and you’ve indicated that reassurance has no effect), proceed anyway. Be sure Dear In-Law’s place is cleared first with dessert coming swiftly afterward. It makes no sense to keep carping with the apple pie right there in front of you.

This is likely to ruffle a few feathers, but it will sting less if the tone of your voice is sincere. The second factor in your success will be you not backing down. Continued protests should be met by you with “Well, we are doing it this way.” Don’t elaborate. Your husband, or another sympathetic member of the party, might be enlisted in advance to back you up.

When Etiquetteer is in a specially dark mood, Madam Manners the Etiquette Dominatrix will come out with some Absolutely Improper Solution. In this case, that would be “I’m so sorry my hospitality doesn’t please you, but since you’re not ever coming back, it will never bother you again.” Think of how Bertha Dorset dismissed Lily Bart from her yacht in Edith Wharton’s The House of Mirth: “‘Miss Bart is not going back to the yacht,’ she said in a voice of singular distinctness.” But of course Mrs. Dorset meant to sever ties completely, and obviously this is Not Perfectly Proper — don’t try this at home!

Etiquetteer wishes you a table of Truly Appreciative Guests . . . but after the coronavirus has spared us.

*Etiquetteer knows not to say “If.” We know very well This Sort of Thing keeps happening until confronted.

DOCTOR Biden, Thank You, Vol. 19, Issue 71

Etiquetteer has long said that Freedom of Speech is our most valuable Freedom, because it really helps people identify themselves. And Joseph Epstein of the Wall Street Journal, with his column suggesting that Dr. Jill Biden drop the honorific “Dr.” when she becomes First Lady, has identified himself as Not a Gentleman. His suggestion was subjective, personal, dismissive, and Not At All Perfectly Proper. Etiquetteer just couldn’t help but think of Hugh Grant in Maurice saying “I think a man who has opinions like that should keep them to himself.”

It astonishes people — sometimes Etiquetteer, too — that etiquette must adapt to current situations. Just because the only credential to becoming First Lady is being married to the President of the United States does not require the First Lady to relinquish her pre-First Lady identity and achievements to become some sort of Stepford Hostess*. “The President of the United States and Dr. Biden” is no different from “The President of the United States and Mrs. Roosevelt.” When the position of First Lady becomes that of First Gentleman, which Etiquetteer believes likely at some point this century, “The President of the United States and Mr. Emhoff” or “The President of the United States and Mr. Buttigieg” will be just as Perfectly Proper.

So, now that we’ve established that . . .

It seems that most Americans have a problem with anyone not a Medical Doctor using the honorific “Doctor” outside academia. Perhaps we need to move beyond that. This discussion on Quora offers some interesting perspectives, including the adoption of Dr. by those undeserving. “Resume padding” and outright falsification is just as common with titles as anything else. Good heavens, “Baron” Alfred von Drachstedt” who survived the sinking of the Titanic was just plain old Alfred Nourney!

The problem with the academic title Dr. is not the title itself, but how it is wielded by academics to flog respect from the rest of us. It’s one thing to inform people about how you wish to be addressed, but it’s quite another to be mean and condescending about it. In college days, Etiquetteer worked as a concierge** for a large residential building in which lived a Prickly Professor (a white male) who insisted on being called Doctor. Another resident, overhearing Etiquetteer address him thus, looked surprised. “Is he a doctor?!” “He’s a doctor of political science,” Etiquetteer answered. The Snort of Derision that followed had more to do with the Prickly Professor than Political Science!

In some ways the most surprising thing to come out of this scandale du jour is reading Miss Manners Herself quoted in the New York Times saying “I don’t tell people what to call themselves and I’m aware that women often have trouble with people who don’t respect their credentials.” That could almost be considered an Etiquette Watershed Moment. Not that women have trouble getting their credentials acknowledged, but that Miss Manners isn’t going to be a Definitive Source on Proper Address.

In short, please use “First Lady Dr. Jill Biden” starting on January 20. Nothing could be more Perfectly Proper.

*Etiquetteer admires Dr. Biden’s stated plan to continue to teach after her husband takes office, and wishes her well, but notes that even the late Eleanor Roosevelt, a woman of prolific energy, was unable to keep up an independent job outside the White House.

**Really, at some point everyone ought to work as a servant and have a servant. It is valuable life experience, and really teaches a lot about personal interaction.

Christmas Card Day, Vol. 19, Issue 70

It’s another one of those internet days, Christmas Card Day, which “serves as a reminder to get your stamps, envelopes, and cards together so you can share your holiday cheer.” If you haven’t yet, and you plan to send cards, you are hereby reminded to Get On the Stick! But if you’re feeling absolutely overwhelmed — which would not be surprising in this annus horibilis — take heart. Etiquetteer has always said that Christmas cards might be sent throughout the Twelve Days of Christmas, and those start with Christmas Day, not finish. So in theory, you could mail your Christmas cards January 6, but December 30 is really a better deadline.

Because this has been such a challenging year, you might want to consider expanding your list rather than shrinking it (if you’re able), just to reassure more people that you’re still around. On the other hand, more than a few people are drained of all Holiday Spirit at the thought of having to write and send holiday greetings. Etiquetteer exempts them. While the exchanging of written holiday greetings is Perfectly Joyous for many, it remains an optional part of the season’s activities.

Etiquetteer’s written about other holiday card issues here and here.

This year being what it’s being, Etiquetteer is waiting until the cocktail hour to open cards received in the mail, and it’s a delightful ritual.

Whether you’re sending cards or not, Etiquetteer wishes you a Perfectly Proper Postal Holiday!

Reader Response to Paper Napkins, Vol. 19, Issue 69

People get upset when their assumptions of what is Perfectly Proper get challenged. For instance, if someone says that paper napkins could even be remotely acceptable at table. Or if someone suggests that they are not. So Etiquetteer was very interested in what readers had to say about last week’s column on paper napkins. Cloth and paper each had their adherents, and Thanksgiving meals utilized “ancient starched white damask napkins, sometimes a bit holey” to “festive printed paper napkins” to half a paper towel. For most, paper seems to be everyday, but cloth napkins are reserved for special occasions.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I always use cloth napkins for special occasions: dinner parties, holidays, anniversaries. They are more durable, they coordinate with the tablecloth, and they signify “This is a special occasion” — made all the more so because I also use one of three sets of china I've inherited as well as silver [from four generations].

However, I do set out paper hand towels in the bathrooms because it gives guests the option to use a one-use only towel instead of using a multi-use cloth hand towel.  Curiously, almost no one knows what these paper hand towels are. Sometimes I even carefully crumple up one of the paper hand towels and put in the trash *before* guests arrive so as to, shall we say, *instruct* guests as to their purpose. ‘Tis all for naught. Even during COVID. I just don't get it.

Etiquetteer responds: So many hosts have to rumple a cloth hand towel on the towel rack, too, to help guests feel that it’s Perfectly Proper to use one instead of just furtively looking for a bath towel on a rack. It seems no one wants to be responsible for making a towel look used!

Dear Etiquetteer:

We used cloth napkins for Thanksgiving, however they come out of the washer/dryer without needing ironing and are used only once. Ninety-nine percent of our meals are with paper napkins, or heaven forbid, paper towels.

Dear  Etiquetteer:

My wife and I placed a linen napkin at each place setting on Thanksgiving (only two settings, it being the pandemic), but merely as a decoration.  We also placed a paper napkin (the large, soft, embossed type of generous size) close to the silverware at each setting for use.  It seemed a prudent way to avoid cranberry or gravy stains on the linen or lap.

I must add that a large, heavy linen napkin has always felt more protective and secure in the lap than does paper.  I used linen as a lad, when it was my job to set the table and to give each family member their own napkin held in its own differentiated napkin ring.  I hid my stains into the inner layers of my rolled linen napkin inserted in its ring. 

Why can't adult bibs (functional and attractive) be declared Perfectly Proper? Certainly, commuting in the A.M. by car with a Starbucks Venti, a bib would save many a tie.

Etiquetteer responds: Ahhhh, but those linen napkins are there to be stained! Don’t deprive them of their Special Purpose. Etiquetteer has to agree that one’s lap does feel more protected with a large cloth napkin over it. As to bibs for adults, Etiquetteer cannot agree with you that they are attractive, although essential for Foods of Combat like lobster. If you find yourself needing a bib, whether at table or behind the wheel, that might be a sign to Slow Down.

Dear Etiquetteer:

We used hand-embroidered cutwork placemats and napkins, purchased in Hong Kong in the early 1980s. They’ve been soaked, pre-treated, washed, and are now rolled up in the fridge, awaiting ironing. A lot of work, but my table looked perfect. Once or twice a year, it’s definitely worth the effort. Ordinarily it’s paper!

Dear Etiquetteer:

We used cloth napkins, china, silver and crystal. I recall a comment in a column by Miss Manners many years ago saying (I’m paraphrasing) that of course there are many ways one could make the process of eating more efficient, but then the enjoyment that comes with following the rules and norms of etiquette would be lost. Etiquette is about getting to do things in a special way, not about having to.

Etiquetteer responds: And really, Etiquetteer could not agree more!

Dear Etiquetteer:

We used cloth napkins. I never use paper plates, as I believe diminishes the meal being served. One year for Thanksgiving I had 20 people for a sit down dinner. I purchased dinner plates at a thrift store, etc. and at the end of dinner tossed the plates into the trash.

Etiquetteer responds: Dorothy Draper often recommended dime-store china in her delightful book Entertaining Is Fun! to carry out a color scheme or inject a bit of novelty. She never suggested disposing of it after one use, though.

Dear Etiquetteer:

Half-sheets of paper towel. It is Perfectly Proper to reduce the workload of the cleanup crew so more time can be spent telling stories and playing games.

Etiquetteer responds: Well, as Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother would have said, “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.” A few readers responded that their Thanksgiving was Paper All the Way, generally with the excuse that it reduced cleanup. Focusing on family time (especially in households with young children) is absolutely Perfectly Proper. But that need not be at the expense of using the Good Stuff. Holiday meals with china, silver, etc. are such an important opportunity for young children to learn good table manners (in part by witnessing adults exhibit them), and tables set with the Good Stuff are so much more beautiful to look at.

The workload can always be reduced by increasing the size of the cleanup crew to 100% of attendees. Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother also would have said “Many hands make light work!” Etiquetteer doesn’t see how a paper towel reduces the cleanup any more than a paper napkin would. It’s time to upgrade.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I once had a bizarre paper napkin incident. I found some beautiful rich deep red napkins that were very striking on the dinner table. Unfortunately, the dye on the napkins came off with use and everyone's face and hands were dyed red--and who knows what dye they used in the factory they came from. Having said this, I love the variety of colors and patterns available on paper napkins, though I usually use plain white napkins when by myself.

Etiquetteer responds: Now there’s an etiquette dilemma! What do you do if your napkin suddenly stains your skin? This is the sort of thing you hope everyone can laugh about later . . .

Dear Etiquetteer:

The height of civilization is ironed cloth napkins. I use them in Paris, especially when I have lunch in the park, though for everyday use, it’s high quality paper napkins.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I love those huge, smooth damask napkins that are wonderfully embroidered with a monogram. I have a big stack of them, all quite different, that are fun to use on occasion. But, I also love all of the delightful designs one can find in paper napkins. You can find something to add charm to almost any table. In the end, I generally opt for paper, both for convenience and a touch of whimsy!

Etiquetteer responds: You could not have summed up more beautifully the advantages of both cloth and paper. Thank you!

Paper Napkins, Vol. 19, Issue 68

This column is dedicated to Dear Mother (may she rest in peace) who always had to make sure that everyone had a napkin.

Not long ago Etiquetteer posted a photo of a table setting that included a paper dinner napkin. And it raised a few questioning eyebrows. Which raised Etiquetteer’s hackles. Which meant it was time to ferret out some historical precedent. Just what is or is not Perfectly Proper? Follow along, please, for some amusement and instruction.

First Etiquetteer has to make a scandalous confession: Etiquetteer hates napkins. Etiquetteer grew up with those flimsy paper napkins at every meal (you know the type), and no matter what, they fall on the floor. No matter what, they fall on the floor! And one is never sufficient for one’s needs. A napkin’s necessity is unquestioned, but as Winnie-the-Pooh would say, “Oh bother!”

In the West, table napkins were only cloth until the 1880s, when printed paper napkins arrived, mostly as souvenirs. Paper napkins got their start in the Land of Exquisite Paper, Japan. (This excellent 2017 piece on Tedium gives you the real napkin history, all the way back to Sparta where napkins were eaten because they were made of dough.) The Tedium piece also quotes this very interesting article from the Kansas Farmer newspaper of 1886, but Etiquetteer is going to quote a different part of it. “. . . the introduction of the paper napkin will do away with this social stratum [of the napkin ring], and instead of a clean napkin once a day, or twice a week, as the rule may be, everyone may be as fastidious as a Vanderbilt or a Gould, and have a dainty and new napkin three times a day, and at a very trifling expense. For a family of six, three napkins for each one every day would make 126 a week, which is quite an extra in the wash, besides the care to keep them in nice order.”

In other words, paper napkins are a labor-saving device that promote cleanliness. We often forget that in Olden Days cloth napkins were reused from meal to meal, so if you had an incident with your pot roast and gravy on Tuesday night, you might get to relive it on Thursday with your asparagus and hollandaise sauce. That’s where the napkin ring came in; after the meal you’d roll or fold up your napkin and any mistakes it might contain to wait until the next meal. Yeeccccccccchhhhhhh!

What do the experts say? The experts are concerned about freshness, starting with Emily Post Herself. From the Long Beach Independent in 1948, “Recently Emily Post was asked by one of New York City’s large department stores ‘Which is better form . . . fresh paper napkins at dinner, or the linen napkins you used at breakfast?’ She replied ‘Fresh paper napkins of course! It’s far better form to use paper napkins than linen napkins that were used at breakfast.’ As she says ‘. . . freshness is of first importance. A mussed napkins is unpleasing, a soiled one is unthinkable.’” (It’s worth noting that all internet writing about paper napkins cite this specific newspaper article.)

Amy Vanderbilt agreed. “Paper napkins are preferable to napkins to be used for more than one meal and placed in rings . . . Napkins reused are as incomprehensible to me as beds which have only one sheet changed. There are so many more sensible ways to economize.”*

Letitia Baldrige’s New Manners for New Times: A Complete Guide to Etiquette acknowledges that “most families use paper napkins these days.”** In writing about napkins rings, now only table décor, Ms. Baldrige wrote “Today, with bright colored napkins, including paper ones, the napkin rings are part of a unified decoration . . . “*** So she seems comfortable with the idea.

Etiquetteer’s beloved Miss Manners, however, is decidedly anti-paper napkin. In her essential Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior her response to the plea that paper napkins get the job done without having to be laundered is to compare them with paper underwear . . . Certainly she believes that cloth napkins elevate the tone of an ordinary family dinner (true), and that they are more durable — and therefore more economical in the long run — than paper napkins (which is debatable, when adding in labor).

We really come to a choice: freshness and convenience vs. elegance and a tangible reminder to sit up straight and mind your manners. Now Etiquetteer returns to that Long Beach Independent article: “Precious table linens could be reserved for the special occasions that really merited its use — and the expense of proper laundering afterward.” And, more importantly: “If your budgets are unlimited and you have a houseful of servants, then this little item doesn’t concern you. Otherwise — well, I prefer to run my house rather than let it run me. I can think of lots of things I’d rather do than wash and iron table linens — and I really like and appreciate good linens, too.” That was pretty much Dear Mother’s attitude as well.

How a household defines “special occasions” is going to vary. It could be holidays with family, birthdays, anniversaries, or every meal of the week. In fact, Etiquetteer would LOVE to hear whether you used cloth or paper napkins for your Thanksgiving dinner! Etiquetteer, a servantless bachelor, is likely to continue using paper, but will celebrate whatever choice you make for your household in the name of Perfect Propriety.

*Amy Vanderbilt’s New Complete Book of Etiquette: The Guide to Gracious Living, 1963, page 230.

**Page 199.

***Page 462.

Heirlooms and Holiday Randomness, Vol. 19, Issue 67

Dear Etiquetteer:

We moved recently to a larger home in a rural community, and now have the chance to arrange a small, comfortable sitting room, and to include, as a visual diversion, an ancestral commode. We wish to inquire if it would be Perfectly Proper to position the commode with the lid raised at full salute, so that the observer's eye may find the object more interesting and plainly honest. Surely this would not be an invitation to be seated? Please see the photos for reference.

Dear Commodious:

Oh . . . that sort of commode! In fact, that sort of commode more closely resembles a close stool, which was what passed for indoor plumbing before there was plumbing. If it was still on, ahem, active duty, one would not find it in a sitting room, but a bedroom*. While advertising its purpose might be “plainly honest,” we must remember the forthright words of Elizabeth Bennet in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice: “Honesty is a greatly overrated virtue.” Indeed, at the Alexander Palace, the Tsarina Alexandra Feodorovna had cloth covers placed over the porcelain commodes when they weren’t in use, so little did the Victorians want to consider the purpose of such things.

For a precedent, we need only turn to Castle Howard, where is exhibited in Lady Georgiana’s bedroom a similar apparatus that also flushes. It’s quite the article de luxe for its era! But it’s decidedly in a bedroom.

For your little sitting room, Etiquetteer thinks your Heirloom Device might function quite effectively as a planter, either for live or dried arrangements. And with the holiday season upon us, it could be perfect for a wreath of evergreens surrounding a large poinsettia fitted into the, um, basin. Otherwise, it might be more discreet to keep the lid down.

The deluxe flushing close stool at Castle Howard.

Last week, Etiquetteer was delighted to speak via Zoom with a class of international students studying English with ELS. Thanksgiving was a hot topic, and questions were asked about the American tradition of going around the table for each person to say what they’re thankful for. This isn’t really a universal practice. Etiquetteer loves it, and Etiquetteer loves people who absolutely cannot abide it; it doesn’t matter why. Should you ever find yourself at a Thanksgiving table where this ritual is traditional, don’t be a killjoy, but don’t feel obligated to share anything you don’t wish to. General Answers of Perfect Propriety always include “The opportunity to be with all of you today” and “More pie, please!”

Dear Etiquetteer:

I just haven’t felt safe going back to my hair stylist during the pandemic, even though salons in many places have reopened. My last appointment was many months ago. So my question is, should I still tip my stylist, how much, and how?

Dear Unstyled:

Like you, Etiquetteer has also been anxious about returning to the barber’s chair because of the coronavirus. But when the time comes that it feels safe to do so, Etiquetteer still wants the barber to be there. So by all means, tip as though you’d been going on your regular schedule. The traditional annual tip for hair stylists is “up to the cost of a salon visit,” according to the Emily Post Institute. They also say “or a gift,” but Etiquetteer believes that a cash gift will be much more welcome in this challenging year.

How to handle it becomes more complicated since you’re unlikely to be able to slip an envelope into your stylist’s hands after an appointment, the usual way. Contact your salon and ask if your stylists are still there, and then mail a holiday card to them care of the salon. If not, ask if they can forward it to them.

Dear Etiquetteer:

What are your thoughts on the ubiquitous children-photos-on-postcard? I have done it just once, otherwise sending as unique a card as I could.

Dear Carding:

Holiday greeting cards of this sort have been going on almost as long as photography . . . certainly long enough for Young Etiquetteer to have appeared in several (alas, not always with good grace). For many recipients, they are the only way possible to see the children of friends and family grow up. Indeed, Etiquetteer anticipates happily several such annual greetings. It’s a cliché to be surprised at how tall the children have grown, but it’s still always a surprise how tall the children have grown.

But Perfect Propriety does not demand such a holiday card, and if you prefer to send holiday greetings in another way, please do. Or none at all, if you find that the mere act of preparing and sending holiday cards drains all the joy of the season from your heart.

*Your query reminds Etiquetteer of a Methodist sermon witnessed over 40 years ago during which the preacher asked the rhetorical question “You wouldn’t put a garbage can in your living room?” From the back of the church came the credulous voice of a small boy: “Nooooooooooooooooooo!” The entire congregation collapsed in laughter, including the preacher, who did manage to call out happily “That’s the best response I’ve had yet!”

Pandemic Politeness: Here Come the COVID Holidays, Vol. 19, Issue 66

On Thursday the Holiday Season officially opens with Thanksgiving, signalling the Beginning of the End . . . at least of this annus horribilis if nothing else. And the big question is “How are we going to get through this with our health and our Perfect Propriety intact?” This becomes even more fraught when more people in your life aren’t taking the pandemic as seriously as you are.

Traditions are reassuring, and if there was ever a year in which we needed reassurance, it’s 2020. That trip “over the river and through the woods” to rarely-seen family, the games, the jokes, the wintry walks, the football, the special recipes and special heirlooms that are only brought out at the Most Wonderful Time of the Year — all these things have the power to comfort us. All I want is a big hug from my family! How on earth can we be asked to deviate from this eternal pattern?

Because we’re stuck in a global health crisis that has killed hundreds of thousands of people and infected millions, that’s how. And to Etiquetteer, that means the only Perfectly Proper thing to do is to adapt your usual traditions to the CDC holiday guidelines and let’s get right on that now, please. Those people you see only once a year at the Great Feast? Plan to see them again, just on Zoom*. If you’re going to miss your auntie’s special casserole, this is the year for you to get the recipe and attempt it yourself, so you can keep the legacy going. If you are, in fact, joining a Great Feast indoors, make sure the windows are all open and air is circulating. Crank up the heat if necessary, and wear caps and cold-weather gear inside. Go al fresco if you can. Etiquetteer knows one family that is planning a modified tailgate party for their Thanksgiving. America’s supposed to be a land of innovation, right? Well . . . let’s start innovating!

• You can still have that big family gathering, just online.

• You can still have a Great Feast with the household you’re in.

• You can still express affection for the people with whom you’d be celebrating.

• You can still decorate for the holidays! And so very many people have jumped the gun this year to put up Christmas decorations earlier than usual. For many, it’s been the most sparkly palliative ever.

Anyone who knows That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much at all well knows that Change is an Issue, especially around the holidays. There are things that are done and things that are not done, and that’s just all there is to it. Etiquetteer had to give him a stern talking-to, because if there ever was a year when we had to accommodate Change cheerfully, this is it. Remember the words of Little Mary in The Women: “It’s my job to make Mother feel cheerful!” And your success may depend on how much Mother is able to adapt to quarantine, too.

The hardest part is sharing the choice you’ve made with a Loved One who doesn’t agree. Whether you’re traveling and someone doesn’t like it, or not traveling and someone doesn’t like it, all you can do is continue to express your love and affection for that person from a distance of no less than six feet. If you feel uncomfortable in someone’s home because they aren’t ventilating as much as you think is necessary, it’s OK to leave. Just do it in a “It’s not you, it’s me” way.

We are only just beginning this End-of-Year Adventure, and Etiquetteer is here for you! If you’re having trouble staying Perfectly Proper in this New World, Etiquetteer wants to help. Reach out! Together, but socially distant, we can get through this.

*Etiquetteer does understand that Zoom Fatigue is out there. Pace yourself.

What We Expect of a Princess, Vol. 19, Issue 65

Disney has taught us to think of princesses as very beautiful young women who wear the Most Enormous Dresses in the World, tiaras, and the adoration of the Handsome Man of Their Choice, Usually a Prince. Indeed, Disney seems to have edged out actual princesses on defining just what a princess is! Etiquetteer thinks this is what’s led to an outbreak of Karens all over America, acting superior about asking to see the manager. Well Karen, sit down and be quiet. You’re no princess!

Since it’s National Princess Day, let’s talk about the qualities and expectations we have of a 21st-century princess. As public figures, we expect princesses to behave a certain way. That’s the traditional meaning of deportment, “the manner in which one conducts oneself.” When we hear “deportment” the first thing we think of now is posture, which is very important to a princess. A princess does not slouch or hunch her shoulders when walking, and neither should you. Back in the day there were deportment classes in which you tested your posture by balancing a book on your head while walking. It’s good practice! Bonus points if you can do it going up and down stairs.

A princess does not let her back touch the back of a chair. A princess knows how to bend graciously while wearing high heels to receive a bouquet from a small child. And especially she employs that charmingly remote Royal Wave when on parade*.

This doesn’t always mean that a princess is thin. Queen Mary’s mother, Princess Mary Adelaide, exceedingly fat all her adult life, was yet known for her “quick, graceful movements, despite her bulk; the nimble way she stepped down from a carriage, the easy gesture with which she gave her hand to be kissed . . . no member of the Royal Family could wave so valiantly from a carriage.”** [emphasis Etiquetteer’s.] Today this princess might be considered an emblem of body positivity.

Mary Adelaide also exemplifies that we expect princesses to pay attention to us, both as individuals and as the public. That means we expect to see them and to see them seeing us! Princess Mary Adelaide became the most popular princess in the British royal family because she waved at everyone on the balconies and rooftops who usually went unnoticed by other Family on parade. This was because of her size, which made it more comfortable to lean back in her carriage and look up. Not Perfectly Proper deportment, but the exception proves the rule.

Because we expect to see princesses, they need to dress to be seen. That means hats that don’t obscure the face. Cecil Beaton, in his essential book The Glass of Fashion, remembered the criticism given to Princess Marina, Duchess of Kent, when she wore an enormous cartwheel hat to the 1935 Jubilee. “Unfortunately the hat hid half her face and had to be held on to with one hand. She soon learnt, however, to appreciate the requisite demands of the public, and since then . . . toques and feathered boaters have caused the delighted crowds to acclaim her resemblance to her great aunt Queen Alexandra.”

Of course we expect princesses to wear Important Jewelry. These days it’s downright dangerous to go about dripping with diamonds the way Queen Mary did, but it’s also disingenuous for a princess to wear only Tiny Little Bits when the world knows what’s available to them. For day wear, One Important Piece is all that’s needed, preferably a brooch. But to go without is to deprive the public.

We expect princesses to be educated and cultured, but without being stuffy about it. Most importantly, we expect a princess to show courage when needed. We don’t think about that much today, do we? During World War II, when it was suggested she evacuate to Canada, Queen Elizabeth famously replied “The children won't go without me. I won't leave the King. And the King will never leave.” And after Buckingham Palace suffered some damage from a bomb, “I'm glad we've been bombed. It makes me feel I can look the East End in the face.” She became one of the great examples of royal empathy.

An even more moving example is that of the late Princess Diana, who began reducing the stigma of people with AIDS by shaking hands without gloves or holding them at a time when it was thought that AIDS could be transmitted by touch. While this personal gesture hearkened back to the royal touch of old, it was so clear that this expressed her genuine compassion and concern.

So, for the rest of us, let’s see how well we can emulate our favorite princesses without the accessories. The examples of courage and posture will go a lot further than a crinoline and a crown.

Princess Diana at Casey House, Toronto, 1991.

*Etiquetteer was once taught the Royal Wave by a 12-year-old girl, and be assured, there is no greater honor one can receive from a 12-year-old girl than being taught the Royal Wave.

**From Queen Mary: The Official Biography, by James Pope-Hennessy

Etiquetteer's 2020 Holiday Gift Guide

The holidays are going to be very different in this annus horribilis. Etiquetteer doesn’t think it’s safe for you to travel anywhere at all, in fact! That means hunkering down at home with all the familiar holiday trappings, learning how to use video technology if you haven’t yet, and mailing gifts to loved ones a lot sooner than usual, to be sure that they arrive in time. (It also means tipping delivery people more than usual [especially if your usual is nothing] since they are all putting their lives on the line to keep us safe at home.) So this year, Etiquetteer wants to suggest some Perfectly Proper gifts that focus on home life.

FOODSTUFFS

While this year’s Great Feast may not have as many people around the actual table, there’s no reason not to make that table look festive for everyone in your bubble - even if that’s only you. Chocolates are always appropriate on any dinner table, and Etiquetteer loves the Chocolate Snowmen of Burdick’s ($40.00 for box of nine). Send to friends who can put one (or more) at each place with placecards. And for those who remember candy cigarettes fondly, there’s always a box of their Scotch Whisky Chocolate Cigars ($38.00 for box of six). “Dark chocolate ganache blended with whisky is hand-rolled into the shape of a cigar to enjoy in two different distinctive flavors: 10-year-old Laphroaig and 12-year-old Old Pulteney.”

Is Meet Me in St. Louis part of your holiday tradition? Remember when Leon Ames brings Mary Astor a box of chocolates on Hallowe’en to sweeten the news of their move to New York? “Louis Sherry!” exclaims Lucille Bremer. And wouldn’t you know it, Louis Sherry is still here, producing glorious chocolates and sending them hither and yon in the most colorful boxes you can imagine. Tins from two to 24 pieces may be ordered from their website, and will no doubt having you singing along with Judy Garland.

What could be cosier than a cup of tea on a dark winter afternoon? Etiquetteer discovered the teas of Grace Tea Company back in January, at a little shop in Lower Manhattan. For the tea drinker in your life, a five-tin sampler could be Heaven ($48.80-$53.00). Etiquetteer will confess to being specially fond of their Connoisseur ($14.60 for an 8 oz. tin) and Russian Caravan teas ($13.75 for an 8 oz. tin), which convey true subtlety. For those who take tea after dinner instead of coffee, Grace even offers a Demitasse After Dinner Tea ($16.50 for an 8 oz. tin), a “blend of superior Indian teas with exotic pouchong jasmine tea leaves . . . It is a no-nonsense, strong tea, which has an astringency one feels on the tip of the tongue.”

To make hot chocolate even more decadent, add a Toasted Coconut Marshmallow ($15.90 for two 8 oz. tins) from the Vermont Country Store. And for the nut dishes in your holiday parlor, Cream Filberts ($19.95 for a one-lb. bag) will make everything feel more magical.

HOME

Candlelight makes winter evenings (and early mornings) more intimate. Since we can’t change our interior decoration every day, we can change our experience by changing the scent. We Light, “the brainchild of theater people holding a vigil in the city that never sleeps,” is a collective of performing artists who have begun making scented candles as a response to the coronavirus pandemic. Their 100% American soy wax candles use paper wicks, optimal for fragrances that contain essential oils. Looks like they have something to please every nostril, but Etiquetteer is most intrigued by their Cast Party scent, “herbaceous notes of earl grey tea, light musk, sandalwood, linen and powder.” Review all their aromas here. Twelve-ounce candles are $30 apiece, or consider their three-candle bundle ($55) featuring Deep Amber, Rosemary Grapefruit, and Blue Mallee Eucalyptus Verbena.

Now, if you know someone who really needs to be transported, the original piano compositions of Dutch pianist George Beentjes, the Gentleman Composer, could sweep them away. There are selections on his second album, Fin de Siècle, that leave Etiquetteer wanting to hide under the piano like Judy Davis as Georges Sand in Impromptu. You’ll find more information about his ravishing discography here.

Chaotic holiday mugs from Calamity Ware.

Perfect Propriety and Humor are not incompatible, rumors to the contrary. That’s why Etiquetteer is always so delighted by the whackadoo designs from Calamity Ware, celebrating impending apocalypse by twisting traditional forms. The Calamity Ware version of your grandma’s Blue Willow china pattern includes erupting volcanos, whirlpools, sea monsters, pirates, robots, flying monkeys, and more. Their “Things Could Be Worse” holiday mugs take things further! Set of four for $52.00. Their Creature Comfort playing cards will leave you wondering if you should play that ace. $16.00. They have even published an etiquette book, Monster Etiquette! $14.95.

Illustrator Jake Gariepy has perfected his charming style of welcome domesticity, whether it’s the White House or your house. For the person who has everything, a special commission of a family home or favorite room could delight the soul and become a loved heirloom. Commissions run $70-100. More information is available on his website, Dapper and Dreamy.

BOOKS

Of course Etiquetteer always loves to recommend books!

Roger Hutchison is not just a Christian educator of unique empathy, he is an author and artist with a growing reputation*. This year Etiquetteer is recommending two of his titles. Jesus: God Among Us curiously began with a dream in which the life of Christ appeared as a totem pole. Roger recorded this dream in paint, and then in words. “Hutchison takes a moving piece of personal artwork and breaks it down into pieces to serve as the lenses through which to view various biblical stories of Jesus. But he doesn't stop there, as we also find reflections both inspiring and challenging to our own world and our own situations.” $19.95, via Amazon.

Roger’s newest book, Faces: A Love Story, reveals the panoply of humanity in ways we rarely get to see them now: without masks. Roger’s portraits and words reveal our communities to ourselves. The video message below says it better than Etiquetteer ever could. $16.00, via Amazon.

Fascism: A Warning, by former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, should make anyone appreciate hearth and home more. It’s a perceptive, personal, and chilling view of the 20th century, and how those events may repeat in the 21st. “The twentieth century was defined by the clash between democracy and Fascism, a struggle that created uncertainty about the survival of human freedom and left millions dead. Given the horrors of that experience, one might expect the world to reject the spiritual successors to Hitler and Mussolini should they arise in our era. In Fascism: A Warning, Madeleine Albright draws on her experiences as a child in war-torn Europe and her distinguished career as a diplomat to question that assumption.”

As you know, Etiquetteer is a firm believer in Proper Dress, but the pandemic lockdown has taken a toll on even what Etiquetteer is wearing (or not) around the house. I’m Not Wearing Any Trousers: And Other Working from Home Truths, by Abbie Headon, grapples humorously with the joys and challenges of working from home (or homing from work) from a relaxed dress code out of screen view to photobombing pets and children. $9.99 from Harper Collins. Just please don’t stand up during that work Zoom call!

For your favorite mixologist, Dallas-based Andrew Klausner and Jeremy Cooper have compiled not one but two books of original cocktail recipes, Cocktail Hour Meets…A Pandemic and Cocktail Hour Meets…A Presidential Election. The first is subtitled Our 50-day story of coping and bonding during COVID-19. Because even when you don’t know what day it is, there’s still cocktail hour! which says a lot about the universal experience of Time passing during lockdown. You may read Etiquetteer’s review here. The second volume includes new recipes named after all 46 American Presidents, from George Washington (the Whiskey Rebellion) to President-elect Biden (the #NoMalarkey). Yes, that means there’s two cocktails for Grover Cleveland, the 21 and Done and the Take 2. Presidential history enthusiasts will also enjoy the extensive buffet of Presidential trivia included with each recipe. Each title $19.99, via Amazon.

And of course these cocktail authors are Etiquetteer’s special guests at the December 4 Repeal Day Celebration!

If you prefer your drinks dedicated to women, there’s always Drinking Like Ladies by Misty Kalkofen and Etiquetteer’s beloved Miss Kitty, Kirsten Amann. have assembled a mouth-watering lineup of drinks for that special hour between 5 and 7 PM. Just remember to keep your pinkies in. $17.81.

*Also, in the spirit of full disclosure, Etiquetteer’s first cousin once removed.

White House Entertaining to Heal a Nation, Vol. 19, Issue 64

“Style not only dictates what comprises substance, it is substance. The forms that politics take and the styles in which they are presented affect and reflect degrees of social freedom and equality. How rulers implement political power and resolve conflicts — that is, their political style — profoundly affects the way citizens perceive their government and themselves as a nation among nations. Style (and here the line between social and political blurs beyond all recovery) creates symbols and institutions that bind people to the political system and to a government they may or may not consider theirs [emphasis Etiquetteer’s]. In this capacity style can facilitate or restrict the ability of men and women to act on their political impulses. For American history, then, style is crucial to evaluating the processes of democracy.”

— Parlor Politics: In Which the Ladies of Washington Help Build a City and a Government, Catherine Allgor (2001)

The United States of America has all the feelings after yesterday’s news of Joe Biden’s victory, from ecstasy to rage. We are now more divided than at any point since 1860. But now it’s ideological, not regional. Etiquetteer was impressed with the high number of counties with near even party responses, say 47% to 48%. Now no one can be voted off the island. We must all hang together, as Benjamin Franklin said, or we will surely hang separately! And of course Etiquetteer would rather see us hang together at a good dinner party — just as soon as the coronavirus is under control.

And the White House will be a great place to have it. While the focus has been on President-elect Biden and Vice President-elect Harris, Etiquetteer wants to consider the role of Dr. Jill Biden as our new First Lady in helping heal the seismic national divisions. How can Dr. Biden use the Biden White House to bring us together?

Melania Trump did not maintain a high profile as hostess beyond a couple state dinners (which were beautifully done) and decorating for Christmas. Etiquetteer is grateful for her example as a reminder to America that the First Lady is unsalaried*, Volunteer Number One, and she really doesn’t have to do anything but stay upstairs like Letitia Tyler and Margaret Taylor.** America is getting two workers for one President’s salary; sometimes, with our First Lady expectations, we forget that.

There are three First Ladies whose examples could guide Dr. Biden: Dolley Madison, Jackie Kennedy (of course), and Lady Bird Johnson. In their own ways and styles, they kept the community together, created intimate opportunities for the exchange of ideas, or provided access to that sanctum sanctorum, the White House residence on the second floor.

Dolley Madison forged a truly interesting society out of still-scrappy Washington City by instituting a weekly dinner and what was then called a “drawing room,” a weekly evening reception. The dinners, never for more than 30, included “congressmen, distinguished visitors, and members of the diplomatic corps . . . all Washington hosts and guests recognized them as ‘powerful political factors . . . and even more so under the tactful sway of “Queen Dolly.”’” She swept out Jefferson’s chaotic “pell mell” etiquette, making an informal atmosphere more possible by making everyone more comfortable. Diners tend to relax if they know they’re not going to have to fight for their food.

And because she was a much better conversationalist than her husband, Dolley put herself at the head the table. In this position she “[directed] the flow of conversation, expressing her own opinion to legislators, and persuading them to accept her husband’s views. If she was not always successful in this endeavor, she went far toward softening her husband’s rivals.” Her triumph was creating the White House as a destination for the politically engaged of all stripes. Her dinner invitations were coveted.

Among Jackie Kennedy’s many innovations to White House entertaining, she created the President’s Dining Room on the second floor, cozier than the others. There she hosted a series of small dinners (for four to 20) for a wide variety of people outside politics for the most part. They were often people from the arts and what were then termed “newspaper people.” “I want my husband to be able to leave the office, even for a few hours,” she told Chief Usher J.B. West. “I want to surround him with the bright people who can hold his interest and divert his mind from what’s going on over there!”***

The President’s Dining Room during the Kennedy Administration. Photo from JFK Library.

Her formula — black tie, candlelight, four courses (fish, entrée, salad, dessert) — became the fashion, as just about everything Jackie did, did. But it was an innovation that led to much better conversation than you get at a cocktail party, and therefore to a greater sense of community.

Both the Johnsons shook things up deliberately to improve relations with Congress. They were uniquely qualified to do so after LBJ’s years as Senate Majority Leader. Instead of the traditional evening reception, they held “working parties” for smaller groups (two for the Senate and ten for the House). First there would be a working session in the East Room for Congress, while Lady Bird would host a program for spouses with speakers on White House history that often concluded with a tour of the second floor residence. Then everyone would come together for a buffet dinner perhaps followed by dancing. Etiquetteer is not really a fan of buffets, and mentions this specifically because of its focus on Congress and Congressional spouses.

Etiquetteer’s vision for bringing together America in the Biden White House is pretty simple: invite Influential Citizens from around the country for dinner and get them talking. Advances in transportation and communication have meant elected representatives can fly back home easily and not be “trapped” into dinner parties in the District. But the reverse is also true; Americans can travel to Washington for a dinner party a lot easier than they could before the airplane. This gives the White House Social Office**** a wide net to cast for interesting dinner companions.

But who should be invited? Etiquetteer believes that a wide swath of influential people from throughout America who might not otherwise expect a White House invitation***** could be assembled, including but not limited to:

• Mayors, especially of mid-size cities and rural communities

• Educators of all types: public, private, religious

• Arts leaders, especially from mid-size cities and towns

• Leading scientists and members of the medical community

• Journalists, especially from the small towns

• Congress! And they should all accept, though a White House invitation is not the same thing as a royal command, thank goodness.

• Community activists from across the spectrum, from conservative to liberal, from religious to secular

• Vice President Harris and her husband, Doug Emhoff. Who knows, they may set their own trend with dinner parties at the Naval Observatory . . .

There’s only one group Etiquetteer would exclude: the Lunatic Fringe. They have already proved that they don’t have America’s best interests at heart. Nuffus dixit.

Three or perhaps four dinners a month of varying sizes, say 12 to 100 guests, would work well. There are three beautiful dining rooms to use: the State Dining Room, the Family Dining Room right off it, and the President’s Dining Room on the second floor. Etiquetteer prefers a simple little dinner: cocktails in one of the State Parlors, three or four courses at table, and then coffee and liqueurs elsewhere in the House.

So, let’s say there’s a dinner based loosely on the topic of academic achievement for third graders. Dr. Biden could invite teachers, principals, school district superintendents, textbook authors and/or publishers, religious educators, artists, union representatives, athletes, wordsmiths, leaders of alumni associations, and politicians. And not exclusively from the big cities, but from communities of ALL sizes, from the very smallest up.

What if the topic was energy resources? Bring together a couple Nobel laureates, coal mine operators, solar engineers, farmers raising corn for ethanol, auto manufacturers, public transportation experts, leading researchers from the big universities and their most promising students . . . from all over the country and the political spectrum.

And these are only two examples. You get the idea, right? Who’s on your list for a White House dinner invitation, and what would the topic be? Let Etiquetteer know!

If the White House is truly to be the People’s House, it would help to get as many of the People into it for meaningful experiences with other Americans who share their concerns, even if - especially if - they come from opposite ends of the political spectrum. Dr. Biden, Etiquetteer wishes you joy, strength, patience, good humor, and of course Perfect Propriety as you begin planning how to make the White House welcome in your husband’s administration. Let the healing begin!

*The First Lady was at one time compensated by the Henry G. Freeman, Jr. Pin Money Fund.

**Stories of Mrs. Taylor’s smoking a corncob pipe in the White House remain unsubstantiated.

***From West’s indispensable memoir Upstairs at the White House.

****Mercy, Etiquetteer could send them about 100 names of suggested Influentials.

*****Celebrities always seem to get invited one way or another; Etiquetteer doesn’t need to advocate for them.

Elections, Alcohol, and Patience, Vol. 19, Issue 63

“This,” as Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother used to say, “is an opportunity to practice Patience.” Patience is, after all, a virtue. Usually it was not easy to hear that good advice, and it is no easier giving it today to the millions of people waiting anxiously for the results of the American elections. As of this writing, both Presidential candidates are about the same distance from an Electoral College victory, and both sides are about the same distance from claiming, or reclaiming, control of the Senate. Etiquetteer can just hear Norma Desmond in the next room, crying out “My nerves are being torn to shreds!”

And at the other end of the room we hear Elizabeth in Young Frankenstein sensibly replying “Calm down!” We will know the results when every vote is counted, and not before. Hand-wringing and fretting will not get them counted any quicker. Stop doom-scrolling about the What Ifs of this admittedly tense situation. What can be denounced, however, is the suggestion that Certain Parties are making that votes counted after midnight simply don’t count. Leaders — and anyone who aspires to be a leader — not only need to encourage Patience, they need to practice it and lead by example.

So, be patient, keep calm, and . . . take another drink? NO! Alcohol has always played a visible part in American elections — this 2016 piece at Vice has some interesting anecdotes — but now, instead of candidates trying to bribe or incapacitate voters with free booze, we choose to anesthetize ourselves. Mercy goodness, the number of tweets or status updates about drinking in despair or celebration! Indeed, That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much broke out a bottle of champagne last night, along with bottles of blue curacao and absinthe. For a blue victory, the former would be added (that makes a Ritz Fizz), for a blue defeat, the absinthe* (which makes a Death in the Afternoon). By 10 PM it was absinthe, and by 11:30 the curacao was back in the pantry.

At this point a better use of alcohol would be as an ingredient in an election cake, a sort of yeasty fruitcake containing sherry, brandy, and/or rum. Etiquetteer, not always a dab hand in the kitchen, might get better results marinating a store-bought pound cake with a bottle of whiskey.

Please, dear readers, whatever choice you made in the voting booth, as weary as you may feel, as anxious, you are stronger than the current moment. Let’s get all the votes counted and then, as they used to say in court, “consider our position.”

*The active ingredient of which is wormwood, which turned the waters bitter in the Book of Revelation.

National Deviled Egg Day, Vol. 19, Issue 62

Perhaps you, like Etiquetteer, are feeling anxious about Election Day tomorrow. In which case, a frothy distraction can be whipped up out of a hearty hors d’oeuvre. Because November 2 is National Deviled Egg Day. Why not be reminded about the Perfectly Proper service of a party food too labor intensive to enjoy at home alone during the pandemic?

Deviled eggs feel like they’ve been around forever. They’re so popular for home parties that in the United States there are special deviled egg plates and trays to keep the pesky things from sliding all over the place. For those who have yet to discover the pleasure, deviled eggs are hard-boiled eggs that have been sliced in half and the yolks removed, mashed fine, and mixed with mayonnaise and other things. This mixture is then carefully spooned back into the yolk hollows in the egg whites. Often they are sprinkled with paprika or (much more rarely) a green herb like dill. For true luxury, top with red caviar.

Now Etiquetteer is just not going to be tricked into taking sides among those who champion one particular recipe or ingredient over another. Whether your deviled eggs do or don’t contain Miracle Whip, pickle relish (sweet or tart), paprika, or dijon mustard, Etiquetteer cares not. All deviled eggs are Perfectly Proper. Can’t we all just get along?

Creating a Perfectly Proper deviled egg is much more about preparation and presentation. First, you really have to be skilled at boiling eggs, which means not leaving them in the pot so long they become melded to the shell. Then you have to be skilled at peeling the eggs, which means not gouging out bits with your fingernails or allowing part of the white to come away with the shell. You don’t want them to look leprous. The whites must be filled very carefully with the yolk mixture, avoiding any stray blobs onto the white. (Some cooks use pastry tubes for this operation.) Don’t overfill the egg cavity, either; it could result in an Hors d’Ouevre Malfunction.

Years ago Etiquetteer would attempt deviled eggs annually for a large party, but finally had to give it up for all the malfunctions in the previous paragraph. It’s one thing to commit to eating the errors in the kitchen, another when the errors actually fill the platter and you have nothing to offer guests but white wine, celery, and indigestion. If you decide to indulge in a tray of deviled eggs for your Election Night home cocktail hour, Etiquetteer wishes you joy in their preparation and consumption. And don’t forget the cocktail napkins.

The History of Brunch, Vol. 19, Issue 61

Etiquetteer was delighted to present “The History of Brunch* and How to Host a Perfectly Proper Pandemic Brunch” to alumni of Northeastern University last week. Today’s column covers the history aspect of this delicious foundation to weekend activities.

A British writer who wanted to drink later on Saturday night without feeling guilty the next morning invented brunch. Guy Beringer suggested in his 1895 Hunter’s Weekly article “Brunch: A Plea” that Life would be more worth living if we could sleep until noon and have a combined meal. “The meal Brunch is one which combines the tea or coffee, marmalade and kindred features of the former with the more solid attributes of the latter. It begins between twelve and half-past and consists in the main of fish and one or two meat courses.”

He also suggests “Brunch is a hospitable meal; breakfast is not. Eggs and bacon are adapted to solitude; they are consoling, but not exhilarating. They do not stimulate conversation. Brunch, on the contrary, is cheerful, sociable, and inciting. It is talk-compelling. It puts you in a good temper; it makes you satisfied with yourself and your fellow-beings . . . The advantages of the suggested innovation are, in short, without number, and I submit it is fully time that the old régime of Sunday breakfast make room for the ‘new course’ of Sunday Brunch.”

But he added an important PS: “Beer and whiskey are admitted as substitutes for tea and coffee.” Neither of which, you’ll observe, are champagne or vodka. Tastes have certainly changed for the lighter since 1895.

Punch called out Mr. Beringer’s idea as fashionable. But after that the origins of brunch become rather hazy. There are ideas that brunch blossomed out of the British hunt breakfast, or even from wealthy travelers pausing in Chicago between trains on Sunday morning for a meal. In America it was definitely the sort of meal you were more likely to find in a hotel restaurant rather than at home.

Brunch appears in 20th-century etiquette books slowly, not always by name. Emily Post refers to “stand-up breakfasts” by 1937. “Hospitable town dwellers,” we are told by The New American Etiquette in 1941, “may entertain simply and delightfully at Sunday morning breakfasts, served from, say, eleven until two.” Beringer’s original noon start time evolved to make the breakfast aspect of brunch more legitimate.

A few years later Millicent Fenwick wrote in Vogue’s Book of Etiquette: “There are all sorts of breakfasts . . . and pseudo-breakfasts, such as the hunt breakfast, wedding breakfasts and that modern invention with the horrid name of brunch.” [Emphasis Etiquetteer’s.] Mrs. Fenwick got herself in a bunch about “brunch,” but she describes it beautifully: “These pseudo breakfasts follow the traditional English hunt-breakfast arrangements: burners and big covered dishes on the sideboard for hash or scrambled eggs, ham or bacon, sausages, kedgeree or any other such solid foods; a big tray with a coffee urn, sugar, cream, and hot milk.”** Besides coffee, Mrs. Fenwick details whiskey and soda, water and “perhaps a pitcher of orange juice,” suggesting that something many of us consider essential was once optional. “If it is very cold, and everyone has been outdoors a long time, the traditional drink is sherry, served in the living room before everyone goes into the dining room to eat.”

Mrs. Fenwick had clear ideas about the menu, too. “Any sturdy breakfast dish may be served, but it is wise to have a choice of several.” She proscribed porridge and cereal, waffles and pancakes (timing was difficult), and suggested that simple berries or stewed fruit would be more Perfectly Proper than ice cream for dessert.

Thinking about our Basic Brunch Beverages, history suggests that it was Alfred Hitchcock who made the mimosa popular in America during the 1940s. Depending on who you consult, it got started either as the Buck’s Fizz at Buck’s Club in London back in 1921, or in Paris slightly later, in 1924. Or it was an old custom from French wine country that urban bartenders took up and rebranded. The difference is a matter of proportion - the Paris version is equal parts, the Buck’s Fizz uses more champagne. The British Royal Family gets credit for making the mimosa more popular than the Bloody Mary in the 1960s.

The Bloody Mary was also first created in Paris, this time at Harry’s Bar by bartender Fernand “Pete” Petiot. Years later tending bar at New York’s King Cole Bar, he made the drink popular in the States. It was also popular as a hangover cure, much more so than a mimosa. There is little truth to the rumor that it was named in honor of Mary I, famous for her bloody, fiery purges of Protestant heretics.

American society was remade after World War II, with many people flocking to newly-built suburbs away from city centers, and skipping church on Sunday, too. The popularity of buffets exploded in the 1950s and 1960s, the ideal brunch arrangement. In the intervening years, we’ve seen some specific characteristics get established: definitely casual unless for an Occasion, mimosas and/or Bloody Marys, breakfast casseroles, plentiful baked goods, and at least a pretense at a “light” menu. Terence Janericco said in his 1993 The Book of Great Breakfasts and Brunches, “Light has become the password for permissibility. If you can say it is light, then you can eat it almost guilt-free.” But the idea of a midday mashup meal with booze has also led to the dim sum brunch, the drunk brunch (Heaven help us) — and for the festively inclined, the pajama brunch.

However you choose to brunch, enjoy it with Perfect Propriety!

*It’s worth noting that, when researching brunch history on the Internet, everyone from Great National Publications on down to Etiquetteer ends up at this 2008 post on the defunct Brunch Historian blog. Everyone.

**Tea drinkers, note that you are not accommodated in traditional brunch arrangements.

COVID Holidays, Vol. 19, Issue 60

Did you see in The New York Times this morning about the new surge in coronavirus cases around the country? People are not going to like this, but it means that the winter holidays — Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year’s, and Kwanzaa — will not be able to go on as usual. This is going to be a painful blow to many of us who just want to get back to normal life after a year of unprecedented trials. We have to start thinking about this now.

SHOULD YOU STAY OR SHOULD YOU GO?

Fortunately, the CDC already has, and has posted some very helpful information about hosting and attending holiday gatherings*. And while the CDC notes that outdoor events are a lesser risk than indoor events with good ventilation, and indoor events with good ventilation are a lesser risk than indoor events with poor ventilation, Etiquetteer is certainly not ready to recommend an indoor holiday gathering. This is an opportunity to turn the traditional Great Feast in the old famliy dining room into a brunch or lunch al fresco** with a large circle of individual tray tables. What a wonderful opportunity to give everyone matching lap robes or monogrammed Snuggies!

Some emotional decisions are going to be made about whether and how to travel for the Great Feasts. The winter holidays all come with a lot of expectations about who will be there. And let’s face it, Tradition is reassuring, and we need some reassurance right now! We also need to keep our own desires from turning Christmas into a superspreader event, “the gift that keeps on giving” indeed.

How these decisions get made is going to involve people being very candid about their level of risk and comfort. Etiquetteer noted earlier in the pandemic that “we’re all going to have to get a lot more comfortable with having our behavior questioned by strangers in public, and with questioning the behavior of others to protect our health.” We’ll now have to put that to the test with those we love most dearly. If you have doubts about safety, Etiquetteer will absolutely allow you to stay home.

WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

If you feel disappointed at missing in-person interaction with your loved ones, Etiquetteer wants to encourage you to go ahead and feel those feelings, but not to make them a conversational motif. Everyone else is hurting, too, and you don’t need to harsh everyone’s buzz.

By now many more people are comfortable with video technology, and it will be less controversial to have a Zoom gathering for the Holiday of Your Choice. Zoom Passover back in April could be considered a successful test run for all of us to emulate now. Be patient with those who are unfamiliar with*** technology. A dress rehearsal earlier will help considerably.

Another thing: start your holiday shopping and shipping a lot earlier. For instance, start last week! Spreading out the shipping and delivery load overall will increase the chances that Santa won’t be late and that you’ll be able to find what you want. (Look for Etiquetteer’s gift guide soon.)

In the last 100 years or so New Year’s Eve has always been emphasized. But now it’s time for New Year’s Day to make a comeback. Let’s think about how we can make that happen.

Etiquetteer wishes you Strength and Patience approaching the Most Wonderful Time of the Year during these Very Challenging Circumstances. Don’t hesitate to reach out out Etiquetteer if you need help!

*Etiquetteer wants you to read this right away.

**One would think Men Who Grill would love this innovation.

***Read: scared of and/or angry about.

National Dessert Day, Vol. 19, Issue 59

Etiquetteer will admit to feeling a little down this morning, looking at an empty inbox bereft of queries. But then a glance at the calendar brought the sunshine, because October 14 is National Dessert Day, and talking about dessert is the next best thing to eating it.

Sweets have always been with us, but dessert as a course in a dinner menu really got established only at the end of the 18th century. The French, who have given us so much that is Perfectly Proper, also gave us the word. Dessert comes from the French verb desservir, which means “to clear the table.” (Saveur has a wonderful piece on the history of dessert.) This article suggests that individual-sized desserts, like small tarts, etc., developed with the rise of the salon, that mythical gathering of intelligent people for purposes of stimulating conversation. That sounds perfectly logical to Etiquetteer, who would probably commandeer an entire platter and retreat to a corner.

We all have favorite desserts from childhood, from Dear Grandmother’s lemon-glazed bundt pound cake to Dear Mother’s chocolate-frosted birthday cake to [Insert Your Favorite Here]. It would be something to look forward to as a reward after all those awful vegetables! So much became clear to Etiquetteer after learning that a child’s sweet tastebuds develop much more quickly than those for salty, sour, and bitter . . .*

Etiquetteer’s favorite dessert story is how Auguste Escoffier, the legendary French chef, created Peach Melba in honor of his idol, the great Australian soprano Dame Nellie Melba. There are more than a few versions of the story, but suffice it to say that Escoffier created it to honor a singer he already greatly admired (and could rarely hear perform because most operas were performed during the dinner hour, when he was in the kitchen) after seeing her perform in Lohengrin at Covent Garden. The original creation called for half a dozen peaches to be served over vanilla ice cream in an ice swan (because of the swan boat in Lohengrin). But ice swans are so complicated, and Escoffier simplified it to be served in a silver dish, and topped with raspberry purée. (You’ll find a good account here on PBS, but you’ll have to read through reams of info on the life of Dame Nellie first.)

About 20 years ago Etiquetteer was introduced to the mignardise, which is a bite-sized dessert served at the very end of a meal. Sometimes they are brought out on tiny tiered trays, other times just on a dessert plate. They take many forms and can be absolutely exquisite.

Café gourmand at the Musée d’Orsay, 2008.

Add coffee and you get café gourmand. Now a gourmand is different from a gourmet. A gourmet needs a meal to be exquisite. A gourmand needs a meal to be good, but plentiful. In other words, a gourmand is a greedy eater. So it would follow that a café gourmand would be a cup of coffee with something extra**. Etiquetteer’s first encounter with this delightful situation was in 2008 in the restaurant of the Musée d’Orsay in Paris. Coffee with little ramekins of chocolate mousse, creme brulée, and fruit with custard! Imagine Etiquetteer’s disappointment a few days later at Versailles, when their café gourmand turned out to be three little Amaretto cookies. Not as spectacular as the location demanded.

Since that first, wonderful encounter, Etiquetteer has always associated the café gourmand with the expansive male waistlines of the 19th century. But it turns out to have been a Parisian restaurant trend that started only in 1985 and just kept going. Dangerous to assume!

A final word of warning***: huddling on the sofa under a blanket with a pint of ice cream is not dessert. That’s therapy. Dessert is enjoyed with Perfect Propriety at one’s place at the dinner table. And with that, Etiquetteer wishes you a happy National Dessert Day and bon appétit!

Dessert after dinner aboard the Orient Express, 2013.

*Young Etiquetteer once hid Lima beans in the sugar bowl. But the ruse was detected and Etiquetteer was made to eat them anyway. The sugar didn’t actually improve the situation.

**Lagniappe, as they say in Louisana.

***Now a warning?!

Jewelry for a Gentleman, Vol. 19, Issue 58

Somehow it seems Perfectly Proper to follow up the last column about jewelry for a lady with something about Perfectly Proper jewelry for a gentleman. Etiquetteer was so excited, planning to refer to Emily Post, Esquire Etiquette for Men, and the late Walter Hoving of Tiffany . . . only to realize with some chagrin that Etiquetteer already wrote that column, last year in volume 18. So if you’d like to know especially about jewelry a gentleman can wear with evening clothes, please go back and read that. Let’s talk about finger rings instead.

Conservative good taste demands that a gentleman’s jewelry be inconspicuous; that word turns up a lot. Indeed, there are some ultra-conservatives who believe a gentleman doesn’t wear jewelry at all except for a watch and a wedding ring. The character of Uncle Matthew in Nancy Mitford’s novels goes so far as to use a leather strap for his gunmetal pocket watch and “gnashes his teeth” at a gentleman with a pearl-and-platinum evening watch chain. But Etiquetteer is not so forbidding of ornamentation as that!

The subtext of all this self-effacement seems to be that Nice Men Don’t Sparkle, because the second rule about not being conspicuous is that a gentleman never wears diamonds. At all, ever. It was thought of as vulgar. Margaret Case Harriman’s mother, when she broke her engagement with a suitor, returned the engagement ring* but not another jewel he gave her. This was “a ten-dollar gold piece made into a brooch and heavily encrusted with the initials ‘P.D. Jr.’ in diamonds.” She said that she kept it because he used it as a scarf pin. “I simply couldn’t have a man I was once even slightly engaged to going around with diamonds all over his chest.”**

But why should this be the case? What made diamonds on men vulgar? Etiquetteer is inclined to agree with M.H. Dunlop, the author of Gilded City: Scandal and Sensation in Turn-of-the-Century New York, that this was a reaction to diamonds having become too accessible after a depression in price after 1874. If everybody’s doing it, can it really be in the best of taste? And yet one of the most classic (and conservative) designs for a gentleman’s ring is that of a black onyx set in gold with a small diamond at its center.

Classic and conservative.

While one does see more men wearing diamonds these days, even some of them acknowledge that it isn’t really Perfectly Proper. Augusten Burroughs and his husband chose large vintage diamond rings for their wedding rings, but Mr. Burroughs Himself acknowledged to Out that “Most self-respecting men would not wear diamond rings as large and flashy as these.” His late Victorian cabochon-cut sapphire ring shown in this New York Times article shows much more traditional taste.

This sterling silver and fire agate ring came from the Grand Canyon.

Perfect Propriety suggests that a gentleman wear only a wedding ring — usually only a very plain gold band, worn on the fourth finger in the United States*** — and perhaps another, like a signet ring, only on the pinky finger. “ . . . and even a ring ought to mean something,” says Esquire Etiquette for Men of 1953, “like a wedding ring, or a signet ring bearing a coat of arms he’s really entitled to.” To Etiquetteer, “mean something” would certainly relate to the giver or previous owner. Before the coronavirus pandemic, Etiquetteer often wore this simple silver ring set with a fire agate, an heirloom of Dear Mother’s family. But with so much hand-washing now required, Etiquetteer has stopped wearing it.

But for many gentlemen, their high school or college graduation ring is the “only other” ring they wear. The typical style is most often gigantic on any hand, and excessively incised with inscriptions and symbols. They are often set with a gemstone, real or fake, en cabochon or faceted. (You can see images here at Herff Jones, one of the big school ring makers.) They are so ubiquitous that they don’t seem very distinctive. Contrast those with the unique graduation ring of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, known as the Brass Rat. By replacing a gemstone with a relief of the school mascot, a beaver, a symbol instantly identifiable the world over was created. Now that’s how to stand out without being flashy about it!

Etiquetteer didn’t even get to discuss things like cufflinks, chains (both watch and neck), or earrings - perhaps another time. Etiquetteer will leave you to the reaction of a board of directors to a presenter after his hasty arrival, presentation, and departure (without taking questions): “Who was that man with six visible pieces of jewelry?” Not a Perfectly Proper impression to make!

*This is really the most Perfectly Proper thing to do. Ladies who suggest that they’ve “earned it” open themselves up to Unpleasant Insinuations.

**This charming story, and many others, found in Margaret Case Harriman’s delightful memoir Blessed Are the Debonair.

***Emily Post actually suggested in early editions that the wedding ring also be worn on the pinky finger, but that’s not something that ever caught on in the States.

Jewelry for a Lady, Vol. 19, Issue 57

Dear Etiquetteer:

Thank you for your sharing your wonderful sense of style, etc.  When I was very young and basically had no money, I splurged on an Hermès scarf that I still use today.

I loved your closing sentence "after 5 PM the big jewels." In the future could you do an article on jewelry, please. I do wear my "babies" even to a barbecue as I believe that they need to be walked to maintain their sparkle. I lived in Manhattan and always wore pearls vs. gold for safety reasons. Pearls are so unique.

Sadly, an estate jeweler has told me that the younguns are not into jewelry, even heirloom pieces, and would sell them for a trip or an electronic device.

Dear Madam:

Thank you for that lovely compliment. It feels so good to make a difference! Etiquetteer is delighted to ramble on a bit about jewelry for ladies, having grown up in a church full of elderly ladies who wore lovely jewelry.

Cultured pearls and Coco Chanel changed how ladies wore jewelry in the 20th century. Pearls, once rare, became more readily available after Kokicki Mikimoto came up with the process to make what are known as “cultured” pearls. Now a string of cultured pearls is the basis of a lady’s jewel box, and look Perfectly Proper day or night. You’ll find an interesting history of pearls as jewelry at the Jewellery Editor.

Imitation jewelry had been around for ages, but its point was to resemble actual gems. Mademoiselle Chanel took jewelry in another direction, creating pieces that looked Frankly False. And since she was Chanel, costume jewelry took off. Obviously other designers were creating imitation jewelry, but Etiquetteer credits Chanel for making everyone celebrate it.

The old advice “Put on everything you think is right and take one piece off,” however, remains a good standard. Jewelry is supposed to enhance your appearance, and if there are too many distractions, or too much glare, no one will see you! And it was often thought that wearing too much jewelry at once was a vulgar way to call attention to oneself. Etiquetteer just saw the phrase “Whoever came up with ‘Don’t be overdressed’ just doesn’t want us to be fun and sexy.” Etiquetteer doesn’t think that at all. Being fun and sexy is one thing; calling everyone’s attention to your funness and sexiness is another thing. Exhibitionism is tedious.

Etiquetteer has always loved the Belle Epoque story of the famous dueling courtesans Liane de Pougy and La Belle Otero. Liane described this period* as “when I was competing with Otero in the display of jewels and dresses.” One night at Maxim’s Otero staggered in wearing all of her jewels. This significant collection included - but was not limited to - three pearl necklaces that had belonged to Royalty, eight large bracelets of precious stones, ten ruby clips outlining her bosom, “a superfluous note of emphasis;” a tiara of diamonds and pearls, and a bolero (!) of diamonds designed especially for her by Cartier. Liane, who had been tipped off, showed up a bit later in diaphonous white, adorned only with one diamond drop pendant (no doubt very large), and — and this is the important part — followed by her maid carrying a cushion heaped with the rest of her equally enormous collection of jewels**. Liane’s tasteful restraint of course won. Otero looked like a fool after that.

The best kind of jewelry for any lady is quiet jewelry. Etiquetteer is thinking less of Auntie Mame’s temple bell bracelets than a wristful of jangling bangles — especially in the theatre.

But it is interesting how ladies will wear a jewel so much it really does become a part of them. It’s inconceivable to think of them without it. Etiquetteer’s Dear Grandmother always wore a gold bracelet of scarabs carved from semi-precious stones, for instance. When the Duchess of Devonshire was handed over the family jewels after her father-in-law died, she was shocked to discover the pearls her mother-in-law had always worn. Debo immediately handed them back to her, unable to think of her not wearing them. She herself chose a different set of pearls and added a star ruby clasp; they became her uniform jewelry.***

Nancy Cunard would clobber you with those bracelets.

At the other end of the spectrum is writer Nancy Cunard, famous as the Bright Young Thing who slept with every white writer and black musician she could get her hands on in France during the 1920s. Her growing obsession with Africa led her to assemble a significant collection of wood and ivory bracelets from that continent. Many of them were quite large, and she would load her arms well past her elbows with them. The effect was powerful, since Nancy had a rather spindly figure to begin with. Powerful in another way, too, as they lent force to her blows in domestic arguments. Her lover Henry Crowder appeared visibly bruised one day. When someone expressed concern, he replied “Just a bit of bracelet work.”****

Miss Manners gets more specific about Etiquetteer’s tossed-off comment “No big jewels before 5 PM.” She instructs us that “Diamonds, rubies, emeralds and sapphires should not be worn before dark, the only exception being those that are set in engagement or wedding rings.” So if you have a headlight-sized amethyst or topaz, for instance, by all means blind someone with it at a breakfast meeting.

Etiquetteer shares your chagrin that These Kids Today lack interest in heirloom jewelry - really in heirloom anything. But Etiquetteer is comforted somewhat by the knowledge that Fashion is cyclical, and 30 years from now there is likely to be a resurgence of interest. The children of These Kids Today may end up with enduring curiosity about Grandma’s and Great-Grandma’s trinkets. Let us hope so, at any rate!

Mexican silver filigree brooches could take a lady from day to night.

*In her famous diary Mes cahiers bleu.

**From Elegant Wits and Grand Horizontals by Cornelia Otis Skinner.

***From Debo’s wonderful memoir Wait for Me!

****There are two gripping biographies of Nancy Cunard worth your time: Nancy Cunard: A Biography, an Anne Chisholm, and Nancy Cunard: Heiress, Muse, Political Idealist, by Lois Gordon.

National Vodka Day, Vol. 19, Issue 56

For National Vodka Day, a few quiet words about the national beverage of Russia. To drink vodka with Perfect Propriety it must be ice cold, as cold as the steppes of Russia, in fact - “as cold as banished Hope,” as the poets say. Many people choose not to keep their vodka bottles in the liquor cabinet at home, but in the freezer. This is appropriate.

When serving, have a tray of very small glasses. These are often referred to as shot glasses, but sometimes there are small vodka glasses with stems. Contrary to the barroom stereotype, vodka is not tossed back in one big gulp, but sipped slowly. Often there are toasts. Don’t drain the glass. As others have observed elsewhere, it’s endurance that counts, not speed. Now, if you really want to drink vodka as the Russians do, Atlas Obscura can advise you best.

Vodka, like all alcoholic beverages, is only Not Perfectly Proper when it is consumed in excess*. This generally includes any consumption before noon (11 AM only for Sunday brunch Bloody Marys). As noted before, vodka is the preferred alcohol to serve with caviar rather than champagne (but if champagne is your preference, far be it from Etiquetteer to keep you from it).

The Perfect Propriety of vodka is not confined to hospitality or consumption, but also housekeeping. Decant it into a spray bottle (often with water and perhaps a bit of essential oil) and it becomes an effective cleaner for all sort of things. It can also be used to clean clothes of bad odors. In fact, Etiquetteer has seen it in more than one theatre’s costume shop an economy-sized bottle of bottom-shelf vodka for just that. (Visit Taste of Home for specifics on exactly how to use vodka for cleaning.) You can also use vodka to clean your diamonds.

The late Joan Crawford famously noted that “It is not 80 proof and it is only Smirnoff!” Etiquetteer instead has come to be very fond of Ryan and Wood’s Beauport Vodka - so bracing - as well as Żubrówka bison grass vodka from Poland, which has a fresh-tasting uniqueness. All vodka fanciers have their favorites. Enjoy yours, responsibly, with Perfect Propriety.

*For those who abstain for religious or medical reasons, then any consumption is consumption in excess.