Dear Etiquetteer:
My husband and I love to entertain. I especially enjoy getting out the Good Stuff (china, crystal, silver, cloth napkins, etc). A dear in-law of mine, however, insists on toning down the formality of the meal and libations by insisting “we can use our dinner plates for dessert instead of using the little plates”, and “no need for cloth napkins when we’re just drinking.”
I enjoy using dessert dishes and cocktail napkins, but the idea of “less work for the hostess” seems to trump my “you are worth this effort” mentality.
I don’t know if these comments spring from jealousy, or if knee-jerk self-deprecating comments are part of her family tradition. These comments do, as younger folks used to say, “harsh my mellow.” Reassuring her has no effect, so perhaps I should work on my mellow.
Sigh. Thank you for taking time out of your Perfectly Proper day to read my email.
Dear Hostess:
Here we have the battle between “My house, my rules” and “A guest can do no wrong.” Etiquetteer intuits a profile of your Dear In-Law as senior to you in age (whatever your age is - Etiquetteer knows you Never Ask A Lady That), of a maternal character, unable to host holiday meals at home at this point, and inclined to Bossiness.
There are limits, and Dear In-Law has exceeded them. It’s time for you, as hostess in your own home, to take a Perfectly Proper stand for your standards. When* this comes up again, you need to look Dear In-Law square in the eye and say in your most loving and compassionate voice something like “I love doing things this way, and you’re sweet to care about how much work I’m doing. But it isn’t work if you love it, and I love it. Your gift to me this holiday is to enjoy how I like to do things in my house.” Eye contact is extremely important here. Don’t flinch. And if that doesn’t work (and you’ve indicated that reassurance has no effect), proceed anyway. Be sure Dear In-Law’s place is cleared first with dessert coming swiftly afterward. It makes no sense to keep carping with the apple pie right there in front of you.
This is likely to ruffle a few feathers, but it will sting less if the tone of your voice is sincere. The second factor in your success will be you not backing down. Continued protests should be met by you with “Well, we are doing it this way.” Don’t elaborate. Your husband, or another sympathetic member of the party, might be enlisted in advance to back you up.
When Etiquetteer is in a specially dark mood, Madam Manners the Etiquette Dominatrix will come out with some Absolutely Improper Solution. In this case, that would be “I’m so sorry my hospitality doesn’t please you, but since you’re not ever coming back, it will never bother you again.” Think of how Bertha Dorset dismissed Lily Bart from her yacht in Edith Wharton’s The House of Mirth: “‘Miss Bart is not going back to the yacht,’ she said in a voice of singular distinctness.” But of course Mrs. Dorset meant to sever ties completely, and obviously this is Not Perfectly Proper — don’t try this at home!
Etiquetteer wishes you a table of Truly Appreciative Guests . . . but after the coronavirus has spared us.
*Etiquetteer knows not to say “If.” We know very well This Sort of Thing keeps happening until confronted.