Etiquetteer Darling:
This is a real question for the expert. This happened in real life on Christmas Eve. I was invited to a feast. I offered to bring a dessert and bubbly. The host/chef replied, “Oh, bring prosecco. Yum!” No comment about sweets. However, I knew that there would be at least one gluten-free guest so I made a gluten-free sheet cake with frosting. When dinner transitioned to dessert they didn’t bring out my cake. Yes, I’m hurt. I’m offended. Please help.
Dear Baked:
Etiquetteer understands why you feel hurt, of course, having gone to the trouble of looking out for a guest with a special diet at this feast to which you both had been invited. Clearer communication from the host/chef would have been helpful. Obviously “Bring prosecco” was not specific enough; adding “We have the food part all set” would have eliminated any confusion. This is something for you to remember next time. If you don’t get every part of your question answered, keep asking until you get the answers you need.
To be charitable, it may be that the hosts got so distracted or engaged with getting everything done that they completely forgot about your cake* and woke up the next day to ask “What on earth is this gluten-free sheet cake doing in the kitchen?!” But the general rule is, if you’re bringing anything to a party (unless it’s a potluck and it’s been requested), you shouldn’t expect it to be served at the party because it’s a gift to the hosts.
Etiquetteer thinks it would be lovely for you to begin the New Year by baking that cake again and inviting your gluten-free friend(s) to a candlelight tea.
Dear Etiquetteer:
I was invited to come over for Christmas Eve but given no time. I replied that I was afraid I wouldn’t be there before 7:00/7:30 PM because of a family holiday dinner. They said “Oh, OK,” then told me that it would start “after 7:00 PM.” I had no idea if it was a buffet, open house or what. I got there and the table was set for eight. They had to pull a chair for me even though I had confirmed. What should I have done?
Dear Extra:
Oh dear. “Come over for Christmas Eve” is not very specific, is it? That could mean a meal (as in this case), or a cocktail party, or a gift exchange, or a viewing of Seasonal Movies, or anything! Whether it’s for a holiday or not, invitations need to be specific:
WHO: Exactly who is invited (e.g. guest, partner, children, visiting relations [if any]).
WHAT: What kind of party it is so people know what to expect. In this case they should have said “Christmas Eve dinner.” And also exactly what to bring (or not — see letter above).
WHEN: Exactly what time to arrive at the door, and also when to eat. “Please come at 7, we’ll be sitting down at 7:30” would have helped you so much.
WHERE: The location of the party.
Your query actually sounds as though everyone did everything they were supposed to do in the moment. You showed up when you said you would, and the absent-minded hosts accommodated you. Etiquetteer understands how that looks and feels awkward, but you need not reproach yourself. If these hosts invite you again, though, Etiquetteer suggests you get a written invitation (not a text), and that you confirm your plans with them on the morning of the event.
*This is more typical of That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much. As Leonide Massine so memorably said in The Red Shoes, “Chaos chaos chaos!”