Five days to Christmas! Around America people are struggling with how to say “I’m so sorry your gift didn’t get to you on time” when all we want, at the end of this annus horribilis, is a Perfectly Reassuring Christmas. There’s no hiding a gift that isn’t actually there to hide, and there’s no euphemism to gloss over it. Besides, it’s no secret that the United States Postal Service is overwhelmed with mail and packages. The best thing Etiquetteer can offer is bravely to suggest that we bring back the original Twelve Days of Christmas and make every day that a package arrives between Christmas and Twelfth Night another Joyous Celebration. “Oh look, you made my Fourth Day of Christmas so wonderful; your gift arrived!”
That might still be cold comfort, especially for Little Ones relieved that Santa Claus is OK now that Dr. Fauci has flown to the North Pole to vaccinate him. Depending on the state of deliveries by Christmas Eve, parents and/or grandparents may need to pave the way that this Christmas is going to be extra-long as Santa’s helpers from USPS and other delivery services work extra magic. For the rest of us, sympathetic understanding is the order of the day.
Speaking of which, last week Etiquetteer spent exactly one hour in line at the neighborhood post office, from arrival to departure, and was full of admiration for the postal staff on duty, who remained as calm and unflappable as possible. Not only that, no one in line pitched a fit about the wait or other difficulties! These moments of Perfect Propriety stand out. Truly, we are all in this COVID crisis together.
Last week’s column about Joseph Epstein’s condescending suggestion that Jill Biden drop her “Dr.” honorific brought some interesting reactions. They ranged from endorsement of “First Lady Dr. Biden” to deprecation of non-medical doctors of any gender using “Dr.” outside academia. After a few weeks of receiving holiday greetings by mail, Etiquetteer has to wonder how many more years this will matter, as more and more people are omitting honorifics altogether. Does it make sense to get upset about how a form of address is being used if it’s dying out? Mr., Ms., Mrs. — and now Mx., decidedly established as the honorific for those who prefer not to be identified by gender — are gracious and useful components in how we address each other, and it is still Perfectly Proper to use them.
All this makes Etiquetteer think wistfully of the salutation “Dear,” which is on life support. Once the bare minimum way to begin written correspondence with any sort of civility*, the rather more freewheeling ways of email are eliminating this Introduction of Gracious Correspondence.
There was also a lot of talk over on Etiquetteer’s Facebook page about guests at holiday meals who don’t like things too fancy. One prominent suggestion was to serve the offender with paper products but not to alter the service for anything else. Others were more punitive; while expressing revenge fantasies often feels like comic relief, Etiquetteer must smilingly insist that they are Not Perfectly Proper. Etiquetteer still thinks “Your gift to me this holiday is to enjoy how I do things in my house” is still the most Perfectly Proper way to go, and will be most interested to hear what results you get if the situation arises at your Great Feast.
Finally, if you’re planning to travel for Christmas, it’s not to late to change your plans and stay home. The recent rise in COVID numbers has alarmed many, and scientists are trying to determine exactly how Thanksgiving observance may have contributed. Traditional etiquette, of course, demands that once an invitation is accepted, attendance is mandatory. During the Time of the Coronavirus, however, cancellations are Perfectly Proper, even on the day of the event. If you and your bubble change your plans, be honest, but kind. Don’t say someone has tested positive or contracted the virus if that’s not what happened! Say that you’ve changed your plans out of an Abundance of Caution (Etiquetteer does love that phrase) and fear of putting your host and other guests at risk. It is not necessary to go into specifics.
If you are a host and you get a call like that, it’s Perfectly Proper to feel disappointed, but not to share it with your guests. Believe Etiquetteer, they are disappointed, too! Express sympathy and joke about the volume of leftovers you’ll have in the fridge. Express love and care for them.
Etiquetteer wishes you Joy and Safety and Perfect Propriety in the Week to Come. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, reach out! Etiquetteer wants to help.
*Omission indicated an absence of any cordiality. The explorers Sir Richard Burton and John Hanning-Speke grew to hate each other with such cold, irrational hatred that near the end of their correspondence each began his letters to the other with only “Sir.”