We Cannot Look Away, Vol. 19, Issue 55

Etiquetteer is supposed to be a column about manners, about behavior, about how we use etiquette to get along in the world and make it a pleasant place to be. It’s comfortable to confine that discussion to weddings and tea parties and clothing and stationery, but that’s only the frosting on the etiquette cake. Last night Americans witnessed one of the greatest assaults on political courtesy ever broadcast, the first 2020 presidential debate. As deeply uncomfortable as it is, we cannot look away from it.

President Trump’s behavior is neither the behavior of a gentleman nor a leader. His contempt for his opponent, the moderator, the previously agreed rules of debate — indeed, his contempt for anyone or anything on that stage not himself — degraded America and any concept of American greatness. It makes Etiquetteer’s earlier writing on campaign etiquette appear downright quaint. There’s no need for Etiquetteer to say much; just watch the footage.

President Trump behaved like a bullying schoolyard gangster. His call for the P***d B**s to “stand back and stand by” made him look like he should be wearing a double-breasted pinstripe suit with exaggerated shoulder pads, tossing a roll of nickels in the air and saying “I’ve got some boys in the back who can make you say anything.” Ask yourself if you think that’s decent behavior. If you voted for him before, or plan to in 2020, ask yourself how well that behavior reflects on you. Accepting his behavior and supporting Trump with your vote indicates your comfort with anyone behaving that way. You will no longer have any grounds to criticize anyone else believably.

The motto of the United States, E Pluribus Unum, means “Out of many, one.” One nation, not one personality. We need to move on from every discussion being about One Big Personality and to return it to being about All Of Us. And we can’t even start to do that until One Big Personality is out of office. The words of Rose Sayer in The African Queen have never been truer: “Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we are put on this earth to rise above.” The candidate who is not rising above is President Trump. He needs to be voted out of office. We need to vote him out. We cannot look away any longer.

National Scarf Day, Vol 19, Issue 54

Now in its third year, National Scarf Day is observed every September 27 “to recognize the power of the scarf.” Because on the internet, anything can be a holiday. So, let’s consider the scarf and how it is worn with Perfect Propriety.

Quite possibly the most powerful status indicator for a lady before 5 PM* is the Hermès scarf. Its value and quality is immediately apparent, and as Paul Fussell pointed out in his essential book Class, scarves “. . . instantly betoken class, because they are useless except as a caste mark.” There must be dozens of ways to tie a scarf around one’s neck. Etiquetteer has Dear Mother’s copy of Judith Keith’s of-its-era I Haven’t a Thing to Wear, which is full of ideas. The most luxurious is a long scarf draped loosely and anchored by a pin on one shoulder, but a long knotted scarf will bring you right back to the mid-1980s.

And then there’s the trend of tying it onto a handbag, which was started by Babe Paley en route to lunch at La Grenouille. She felt it was too warm to keep around her neck, but couldn’t figure out what to do with it. Onto the strap of her handbag it went, and an upper-crust vogue was born.

Edith Sitwell as Herself.

At the other end of the spectrum is the scarf used as headgear. Eccentrics like Dame Edith Sitwell and Little Edie Beale distinguished themselves by making their headgear an essential, iconic part of their appearance. It would have been unthinkable to see Dame Edith without something exuberant sprouting from her head, more often hats but memorably scarves and turbans. And Little Edie concealed even her ears with the stern application of a scarf around her head, anchoring it with bold costume jewelry. Ali McGraw, and then Valerie Harper’s iconic character Rhoda Morgenstern, did a lot to make the headscarf look more comfortable and accessible.

Ali McGraw knew how to work a scarf.

Ladies, if you feel like trying something a little different that’s still Perfectly Proper, why not attempt a mid-century style turban?

Etiquetteer is just a wee bit more skeptical about the success rate of these suggestions for scarves as dresses and beachwear.

Gentlemen, as usual, have less room to maneuver with a scarf than ladies. The Art of Manliness blog has a comprehensive guide to how a gentleman wears a scarf with Perfect Propriety (and also which scarves are for gentlemen and which are not). In the last few years Etiquetteer has become quite fond of the Parisian knot, which is quite easy and ought to be more widely used.

Since the 19th-century cravat fell out of style, scarves for men have fallen in and out of fashion. In the 1930s one often saw cotton bandanas or scarves knotted casually (but not too loosely) around the neck with sports clothes, and it’s become sort of a stereotype to see a pleated silk cravat worn with a velvet or silk smoking jacket. With evening clothes, however, the only Perfectly Proper choice for a gentleman is a white silk or silk-satin scarf, with or without fringe, and with or without an initial or monogram in black or gray only. It should not be necessary to specify that this is not in lieu of a bow tie . . . but it is.

Etiquetteer will admit to remaining fond of the trend started five years ago of the blanket scarf for men, but one has to be careful it doesn’t appear to be a shawl. Only someone with the creative force of Frank Lloyd Wright could get away with that!

With the colder seasons almost upon us, Etiquetteer hopes you enjoy ferreting out some favorite or forgotten scarves and facing the Fall with Perfect Propriety.

Etiquetteer sports a Parisian scarf knot for fall.

*After 5 PM is traditionally when it’s Most Perfectly Proper to start wearing one’s large jewels.

Inspired by Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Vol. 19, Issue 53

This is Robert talking. I hip-checked Etiquetteer off the podium, and he is standing in the corner stabbing me with his eyes and his little rapier. He’s going to get in the way of what I have to say.

Friday night’s news of the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg shattered any calm people might have found for themselves in this horrible year - and, I hope, any complacency about the coming elections. Justice Ginsburg was a great American, a great lady, and a great example of dignity in public life. I love that she said "My mother told me to be a lady. And for her, that meant be your own person, be independent.” When most people think about “being a lady” it’s about deportment or how to wear gloves. No. Being a lady, or a gentleman, is much deeper than that. And now we have to call on ourselves to be lady and gentleman fighters for Perfect Propriety.

Justice Ginsburg also said "Fight for the things that you care about, but do it in a way that will lead others to join you.” But . . . but what is that way? It’s not Nelson Eddy singing “Stout-Hearted Men” any more! And it isn’t unbridled anger. Be angry, by all means. There is a lot to be angry about! But here’s the thing. We may vote politicians out of office, but we don’t vote anyone off the island. Often I fail at this. I have at times expressed anger about the Other Side, and a need for them to express contrition for the actions of the politicians they support. I have always ended up regretting it - and it didn’t change a thing anyway. Justice Ginsburg said something about that, too: “Don’t be distracted by emotions like anger, envy, resentment. These just zap energy and waste time.”

The phrase “Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes” has been appearing frequently, which led me to find its source: Maggie Kuhn, founder of the Gray Panthers. The whole quote is worth your attention: “Leave safety behind. Put your body on the line. Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind – even if your voice shakes. When you least expect it, someone may actually listen to what you have to say. Well-aimed slingshots can topple giants. And do your homework.”

The most powerful part is “Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes,” of course. But the most important part is “Do your homework.” Don’t just forward a link because it caught your attention, read the whole thing, and check its sources. And check out the organization publishing it, and its funding. I am certainly not the first person to forward something scandalous only to find out it’s from a news satire website, but it doesn’t help.

Fear and Apathy are our enemies. If you are feeling fear right now, you can’t let it immobilize you. What can we do about fear? Take action! That thought may make you afraid, too. That’s OK. Push through and past that fear, and get busy. William Lloyd Garrison, the great 19th-century abolitionist, has been much on my mind lately, and I was floored when I discovered that he wrote this: “The apathy of the people is enough to make every statue leap from its pedestal and hasten the resurrection of the dead.” Doing nothing is not an appropriate tribute to Justice Ginsburg - or the late Representative John Lewis, for that matter.

Speak out. Speak truthfully. Speak from a place of knowledge. My words are not perfect and my voice is shaking. But Trump is an enemy of Decency, and he and those who enable him must be voted out. It’s that simple.

Etiquette in the News, Vol. 19, Issue 52

Readers brought Etiquetteer’s attention to a few news stories in the last week.

The most sensational is the story of a New Hampshire woman who chose to vote topless when told that her T-shirt violated the dress code. No, it wasn’t because she wasn’t more formally dressed* but because her T-shirt - how to say this delicately? - included an unflattering image of a political candidate. In New Hampshire and everywhere else, there are “laws against electioneering inside polling places.” That includes clothing for or against any candidate. While this woman definitely chose the more expedient response, it would have been Perfectly Proper to adjourn to the ladies room and return wearing the shirt inside-out. Of course it would have been Most Perfectly Proper not to have worn anything disparaging a candidate in the first place. It’s much more discreet, and respectful of the voting process and fellow citizens, to wear the national colors or something with the flag printed on it.**

Then Boston Globe writer Beth Teitell wrote a piece about wedding stress during the Time of the Coronavirus. Etiquetteer wants you to read this very carefully because all of it is going to impact the winter holidays whether you like it or not. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year’s Eve - many of us have not realized it yet, but the large and longed-for Great Feast won’t happen in the same way. Start thinking about it now . . . and start sending your questions and concerns to Etiquetteer here.

That got Etiquetteer thinking about a piece sent by a Friend in a Distant Place from the Washington Post about the pros and cons of overnight houseguests. The writer, Kathy Stevenson, almost doesn’t miss a thing: the request to stay veiled as a search for nearby hotels, the oblique jockeying for knowledge studded with Unhelpful Phrases like “If it’s not too much trouble . . . “ or “whatever you’d like to do,” etc. Ms. Stevenson didn’t mention the clash of routines, when Morning People come to stay with Night People and vice versa. She quotes Jane Austen to describe the Perfectly Proper visit: “It was a delightful visit; — perfect, in being much too short.” To which Etiquetteer can only add the deathless words of the late Roxy Hart: “Always leave ‘em wanting more.”

And then there’s this article from Marie Claire about white after Labor Day that was sent to Etiquetteer in response to the recent column on the subject:

Dear Etiquetteer:

Hmmm, is it still PC to follow the old rule of not wearing white after Labor Day because of its roots in the class system? Apparently it shows the person who follows this rule is of a higher class than someone who doesn’t. In this time of challenging social injustice and breaking down white superiority, perhaps it is time to put this tradition to rest. Just putting it out there. 😘

Dear Friend and Reader:

It is interesting to note that the writer rather guts her thesis by quoting the esteemed Judith Martin, Miss Manners Herself, who says “There were many little rules that people did dream up in order to annoy those from whom they wished to disassociate themselves. But I do not believe this is one of them." And you know that Etiquetteer is going to stand with Miss Manners on this. One really understands why the writer wrote this when, at the very end, she confesses to wearing white after Labor Day herself and refuses to be criticized any more about it. Making it all about her when it’s not about her!

But your point about living our lives with less Snobbery and more acknowledgment of our Common Humanity is well taken. Rather than focus on fashion choices, Etiquetteer would find it more effective to challenge social injustice and break down white superiority by ending voter suppression, systemic racism, and tax relief for the wealthiest corporations. It doesn’t matter what you wear when so engaged. 😘

*But Etiquetteer thinks it shows respect for oneself and for one’s country by dressing respectably to go to the polls.

**It should not be necessary to remind you that it is illegal to use an actual American flag as clothing. The U.S. Flag Code states “The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery.”

Bicycle vs. Car, Vol. 1, Issue 51

Dear Etiquetteer:

In your recent column about what does, and does not, fall under our perception of etiquette, you mention driving. This reminded me of a particular problem that I frequently encounter on the road.

I do not own a car; I travel the city by bicycle. As such, I know that I am supposed to follow the rules of the road for driving (not walking) and am quite compliant. Being compliant often puts me in positions on the road surface that make motor vehicle drivers anxious; especially when I need to make a left turn. Like any driver, I make a left turn by going to the furthest left lane, signaling, and waiting for opposing traffic to clear before I make my turn. A cyclist standing in the middle of the road is an uncomfortable situation for all. As I am exposed on the road surface, drivers in my direction have to either stop or go around on my right, and oncoming drivers are spooked by this guy in yellow with his left arm sticking out. As a result, it is not uncommon for oncoming drivers to stop and wave me on.

Sounds polite, no? Yet it is dangerous. The oncoming car that stops, out of politeness, is actually blocking my view of oncoming traffic. I cannot see if another vehicle is on his or her right. If I accept their good intention and take my turn, I run the risk of getting hit by another vehicle. If I stay put and hand signal that they have right-of-way, it usually winds up with them feeling unappreciated, at best, or cursing me out, at worst.

The rules of right-of-way along our road system are pretty clear, and considering the number of vehicles navigating our streets, they work quite well. When a motorist encounters a cyclist following those rules correctly, the polite thing to do is to slow down, in consideration of the relative heft of a car versus a bicycle, but continue to follow the proper right-of-way. Don't honk at a cyclist who is properly following the rules of the road. Don't signal special treatment for me. Violating right-of-way in favor of some perceived generosity to cyclists actually makes the situation more dangerous.

Dear Cycling:

Etiquetteer, no cyclist, has witnessed similar behavior from motorists offering right of way for pedestrians at green lights, and even for vehicles making left turns. Etiquetteer finds it infuriating; while the motorists believe they are being courteous to the Person for Whom They Have Stopped, they are actually behaving rudely to motorists behind them who just want to go about their business. They are paving their Roadways to Hell with Good Intentions, and they ought to stop it at once.

Or ought they? Your query led Etiquetteer to find out what established opinion might be on the subject. First off, Northeastern University Police back up everything you say in this instructional video on bicycles making left turns in urban traffic. So that’s good. MassBike, a statewide organization in Massachusetts, writes in its section on Laws: “Motorists must yield to oncoming bicyclists when making left turns. The law expressly includes yielding to bicyclists riding to the right of other traffic (e.g., on the shoulder), where they are legally permitted but may be more difficult for motorists to see.” This sounds like it means the motorist is making the left turn, not the bicyclist, which is not at all what you’re asking about. But the MassBike website has a great deal of useful information.

In the meantime, Etiquetteer totally supports you in not making that left turn until you’re good and ready (but is not responsible for the consequences if law enforcement you encounter do not). If you have to suffer the ungracious behavior of motorists, alas, that is part of a Perfectly Antagonistic Driving Environment, especially in Massachusetts, which seems defiantly proud of that very thing. Aggressive driving is so - how to say this? - so affectionately considered a local characteristic that there’s a vulgar nickname for it. Once upon a time flashing the peace sign made a difference. Perhaps now it might be like flashing a red cape in front of a bull . . .

In conclusion, it is very sad that more drivers* are not more committed to associating manners with driving. Unfortunately in Massachusetts, that is more often seen as a sign of weakness than strength. Etiquetteer wishes you a safe arrival at your final destination.

*And bicyclists, particularly those who do not remember their responsibility to yield to pedestrians.

An Unexpected Word on White Shoes After Labor Day, Vol. 19, Issue 50

Labor Day is today! We not only honor laboring Americans and recommit to treating all our fellow citizens respectfully, but we also mark the official end of the summer season*. And etiquette aficionados seem to enjoy nothing more than to mark it with another annual discussion about White Shoes After Labor Day.

The Emily Post Institute**, descendants of the grandmother of all American etiquette writers Emily Post Herself, have declared that the old rule is over and done with. They suggest that the new rule better interprets the spirit of the original — dress for where you are and what happens there — and note sensibly that today clothing decisions are more about fabric than color.

But then here comes Judith Martin, the redoubtable Miss Manners*** Herself, stoutly defending the tradition while noting that it makes no sense, and even reminding us about other Rules of Proper Dress almost no one remembers. Now that Etiquetteer knows that drop earrings aren’t worn during the day, it’s rather tempting to find some chandelier earrings to wear with black tie . . .

So who is Etiquetteer going to side with on this Burning Issue of Perfect Propriety, Team Post or Team Martin? The sensibility of the Post position is unassailable, of course, and it would really be foolish to contradict it. And it’s what most people do anyway. But Etiquetteer has to side with Miss Manners on this one. Putting away the white shoes on Labor Day is as charming an anachronism to Etiquetteer as standing for the Hallelujah Chorus when Handel’s Messiah is performed at Christmas.

So this evening, after the white bucks have been treed, bagged, and shelved for the winter, Etiquetteer will season a gin and tonic with the salt of one little tear, shed happily over a Meaningful Tradition of Gracious Living. What you do with yours is your own affair, of course, but Etiquetteer will know just what to think if you’re caught in them after today.

Seriously, whatever you do with your white shoes today, have a Perfectly Proper Labor Day and a Perfectly Proper Equinox When It Arrives.

*The actual end of summer is, of course, the autumnal equinox, which in 2020 is on September 22.

**If you aren’t listening to their podcast Awesome Etiquette, you’re missing out.

***If you aren’t keeping up with Miss Manners online, you’re missing out.

Social Friction, Vol. 19, Issue 49

Dear Etiquetteer:

My husband and I frequently will go out with small groups of other couples for dinner at restaurants or to peoples‘ homes for social evenings. Through the years, one couple has become less and less engaging — dour, negative, critical, and tardy — during these social events. I find the situation unbearable and can’t continue like this. I want to stop including them in our social circle. I do not want to give up the other couples. I’ve considered a variety of ways to achieve the outcome I seek:

• Exclude me and my husband from group invitations, which pretty much excludes us from all of these friends.

• Speak directly to the offending couple, but to what end?

• Conspire with the closest of the other couples.

Unfortunately, my least favorite solution and probable course of action is to leave this group altogether. We have never seen any of the other couples without the full group. It will be noticeable if we begin putting together a new group or a smaller group. I hope that I do not come off as a snob with this request for assistance, but what advice can you offer?

Dear Bearing:

The Time of the Coronavirus is sharpening everyone’s nerves, and Etiquetteer wants to you to know that you aren’t alone in having difficulty with loved ones right now. Sometimes it feels like we are all seeing everyone we know in a new light, and not liking what we see*. Our society is having unprecedented challenges right now. Be patient. You can get through this!

Your desired outcome is a social life free from negativity, for yourselves and the people in your circle. Expulsion seems to be your focus, either of yourselves or this Cranky Couple. That should be near the bottom of the list, not the top. Your social circle has been established for a long enough time that “voting someone off the island” isn’t the preferred possibility.

No problem is solved without communication; that’s uncomfortable sometimes. But Etiquetteer is going to suggest a slightly different spin. Lashing out with an exasperated “My God, do you have to be so negative all the time?!” won’t help. But soliciting positive thoughts can bring table talk back to a happier tone. For instance, if you’re discussing a movie and Negative Nels is gassing on about how horrible it was, ask for one good thing he saw in the film, or a performance by that actor in another film that he liked better. If he’s complaining about the food, ask about a Most Memorable Meal. Getting your negative friends to find happy thoughts could lighten the general conversation. You can be quite open about it. “Nels darling, tell us something good today!”

The other, more serious conversation that might need to happen shouldn’t be in a social setting. There could be something going on in their lives bringing this Cranky Couple to a bad place where they just can’t see the bright side. How comfortable are you asking “I’ve noticed that your reactions to things have been really dark for a while. Are things OK with you?” You and your husband may have reached the point where you just don’t want to have that talk. That’s when you bring it up with another couple in your circle. Etiquetteer doesn’t think of this as “conspiring” as much as expressing concern. Cranky Couple may need help.

Another thought: create an additional social circle with a completely different set. You know the old saying “New friends are silver, but old friends are gold?” Perhaps you need a little more silver jingling in your pockets right now. Your concern about being observed by your existing circle is noted, but mercy goodness, they’re friends, not spouses!

The corollary to this is another old saying: “Nothing gold can stay.” The Algonquin Round Table was a thing until it wasn’t. One day one of the members who had been out of New York for several months breezed into the Algonquin . . . and there was a family of tourists at the round table. The Round Tablers needed a change and just stopped going to lunch as a group**. Jean Cocteau and his circle gradually started a Saturday night dinner (cocktails at someone’s home, dinner in or out, then some sort of amusement on the town, and then return to someone’s home for poetry and music). But they were abandoned after a few years, Cocteau said, because they had become “too institutionalized.”*** If that moment has come for your current circle, it’s Perfectly Proper to shed a tear, but also to find a joyous replacement.

Etiquetteer hopes very much that you will be able to restore some social equilibrium to your current circle, however, and that your Cranky Couple’s crankiness can be diverted to Happier Thoughts. As Louis Mazzini toasted in Kind Hearts and Coronets, “Best wishes for a successful outcome!”

*It’s so irreverent of That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, but it’s impossible not to think of Mildred Pierce telling off her daughter Veda. “Veda, I think I’m really seeing you for the first time in my life, and you’re cheap and horrible!”

**Etiquetteer is frantic at being unable to locate the reference to this story this morning.

***From Francis Steegmuller’s Cocteau: A Biography

Breaking the Gender Barrier in Fine Dining, Vol. 19, Issue 48

For some time Etiquetteer has had a little note tacked up on the bulletin board, “August 27, 1970: first women admitted to Locke-Ober.” And wouldn’t you know it, August 27, 2020, was last week and just whooshed by without Etiquetteer even thinking about it. But it’s an important milestone to remember in the annals of Perfect Propriety.

Locke-Ober, may it rest in peace, was the pinnacle of fine dining in Boston for almost 150 years. It was celebrated for its luxurious rooms, its menu blending Continental cuisine with good old Yankee cooking, its oil painting of a robustly built young woman named Yvonne, lightly attired in a strategic scarf and nothing else . . . and its exclusion of women except for New Year’s Eve, and the night of the Harvard-Yale game*.

August 27, 1970, was neither of those things, but suddenly Locke-Ober got a double dose of the Power of Women, enough to land a prominent photo on the front page of the Boston Globe. It was the day of a National Women’s Strike for Equality, and a couple dozen women took advantage of the day to demand service at both Locke-Ober and Parker’s Bar at the Parker House, “both all-male sanctuaries for close to a century” according to the Globe. “The girls demanded drinks, got them, and quaffed them with toasts to their new freedom.” The “mini-skirted intruders” were not exactly greeted with open arms; the bartender at the Parker House said if they came back the next day he’d throw them out.

What interests Etiquetteer more, of course, is the Perfectly Proper luncheon party of five women and three men who had previously reserved a 2:00 PM table. “Five demure young professional women, accompanied by three men, walked into the men’s bar and claimed a table they had reserved earlier.” Legend has it that the table had been reserved by a “Dr. Remington of MIT” who turned out to be a whole party of women, but it’s not clear to Etiquetteer exactly who in the party that was. The female diner who spoke to the Globe reporter** was identified as “blonde Jane Pratt, a political science doctoral candidate at MIT.” Her obituary is here, but does not refer to her role at Locke-Ober.

Credit must also be given to the maitre d’ on duty - if he had any concerns about this unprecedented event he discreetly repressed them - as well as management, who chose to admit women ever after, whether accompanied by men or not.

You might also be interested in this piece on women and restaurants in the 19th century.

Three years later, a Boston Globe columnist reflected on the outcome positively, but only because he liked looking at “the endearing young charms of the girls in their summer dresses. In other words, had the battleaxes not laid siege to this lovely room with a view it might never had such attractive women as it did Friday evening.” That’s a particularly sexist opinion - women are welcome only as long as their beauty and charm appeal to men - and that writer compounded it by making some unkind comparisons to “the Libbers.” But by doing so, he unwittingly made a point Etiquetteer learned from Martin Duberman’s remarkable book Stonewall: that for social change to last, all forms of protest are required, from the Perfectly Proper to . . . to . . . to Other Than Perfectly Proper. From that creative tension, Good Change can come.

To celebrate, Etiquetteer may well concoct a couple items for which Locke-Ober was known: the Ward Eight cocktail and creamed spinach. Etiquetteer just doesn’t feel up to a Baked Alaska.

*The painting of Yvonne would be draped in black if Harvard lost.

**And described as “spokesman.” This was obviously before gender-neutral designations like “spokesperson” had caught on.

Etiquette Associations, Vol. 19, Issue 47

After last week’s Zoom presentation from the Gibson House Museum by Etiquetteer of “Elements of the Victorian Dinner Table,” someone commented “My goodness, people could talk about Victorian dinner parties forever!” And it made Etiquetteer think about the things that etiquette is, and is not, associated with. When we think of Etiquette With a Capital E, we think of:

• Weddings, and everything that goes with them

  • Royal Weddings, especially

• Formal Dinner Parties

  • Victorian Dinner Parties, especially

• Royal Courts of Europe up to 1917

  • Versailles, especially

  • Queen Victoria

  • After 1917, The House of Windsor

• Afternoon Tea

  • Also, the Japanese Tea Ceremony

  • Mid-Century Women’s Clubs, especially the Daughters of the American Revolution

• Letter-Writing That Does Not Involve a Machine

• The White House, and Diplomatic Protocol

• Military Protocol

• Courtroom Trials, Usually for Murder or Divorce

• Servants and Employers

  • Downton Abbey

• Debutante Balls

• Special Apparel for gentlemen: suits, bow ties, cufflinks, spats (!), evening clothes (especially white tie), pocket watches and watchchains, straw boaters

• Special Apparel for ladies: hat, white gloves, handkerchiefs, tiny evening bags, anything lace.

• Particular Accessories: martinis and attendant cocktail paraphernalia in sterling silver, calling cards, card cases, monogrammed stationery, silver services, china, crystal.

Where etiquette is present and where it’s needed, but where we often don’t think of it, are these:

• The Workplace (rules, yes; etiquette, not always)

• Social Media!

• Supermarkets

• Public Transportation

• Driving (laws, yes; etiquette, no)

• Customer Service 800 Numbers

• Community Meetings

And this is by no means an exhaustive list. You probably have some suggested topics to add; please send them in.

Now, why should this be? Etiquetteer’s theory is that it’s more comfortable to think of etiquette as something remote, and therefore not part of our daily lives. We don’t need it except occasionally. Looking at that first list, it’s interesting to note how much of it is either rooted in the past, inaccessible to our daily lives (comparatively few of us interact daily with the White House or the military, for instance), or a special event. But etiquette isn’t an historical artifact, it’s something we need every day, in every situation. And now more than ever. Knowing how to use a finger bowl is picturesque, but these days it’s not as helpful as knowing how to navigate self-checkout at a Big Box Store in the Time of the Coronavirus. Where do you think we need to think more about manners? Let Etiquetteer know!

Pandemic Politeness: Undress Codes, Vol. 19, Issue 46

Dear Etiquetteer:

Inspired by your "Creepy or Complimentary" piece, I ask your help. My ex, with whom I maintain a close friendship, was quarantined with his roommate and his girlfriend for a few weeks. Several mornings while he was having breakfast the girlfriend came into the kitchen to use the adjacent bathroom for her shower. She'd come out wearing what my ex described as "a large washcloth." Essentially leaving nothing to the imagination. It got to the point where she came down in the morning to do laundry (washer-dryer combo in the kitchen) and removed her sleep-wear and tossed it in. She then put on a short robe, left on the couch the night before, but didn't bother to close it. She would ask my ex if he thought her work-outs were "making her look firm enough?" And ask advice for where she she should get a tattoo.

Where was the boyfriend? Passed out or too hung over to care. When he finally told her that she was making him uncomfortable, she turned the tables and said, "You shouldn't be noticing. If I didn't like you I'd tell my boyfriend you're a perv. Get the stick out of your ass." For my part I can't imagine strutting around like that. But he also insisted that he never felt she was trying to come on to him, just that she is a "free spirit."

In college in the dorm there were lots of guys who thought that letting the world know they were "going commando" or worse was their gift to women. Wrong! My ex and I are not prudes, but how are you supposed to deal with unwanted skin in your face?

Dear Concerned and Fully Clothed:

Hmm. Free spirit, exhibitionist, or bully? We’ll get back to that question. Your query immediately reminded Etiquetteer of the Establishment Figure* who said of the hippies 50 years ago “When they say ‘Do your own thing,’ they really mean ‘Do our own thing.’” And, to paraphrase the late William Shakespeare, “Pandemics acquaint a man with strange bedfellows.” Etiquetteer imagines that your ex would have flown the coop long ago were it not for the threat of Disease and Death hanging over us all.

Households have varying standards of what’s OK to wear (or not) around the house when there’s no company present. Whatever that is has to be based on the consent of the entire household. When there are disagreements, they need to be discussed, and a mutually agreeable solution found. It isn’t clear whether your ex moved into a household where casual nudity was already established, or whether his roommate’s girlfriend ended up staying for longer than expected, and began challenging the house custom.

She is not, unfortunately, just padding around the house, but deliberately soliciting your ex’s attention to her body by asking his opinions about her physical condition, etc. As much as your ex might want to pass that off as being a “free spirit,” Etiquetteer calls that exhibitionism. A truly free spirit is not tethered to someone’s gaze and commentary.

But the most disturbing part of all this is not the nudity, or even the need for attention, but the girlfriend’s threat. How dare this woman threaten to lie to her boyfriend about your ex’s behavior?! It proves that she is fully conscious of what she’s doing and the impact of her behavior on your ex. And to Etiquetteer, that makes her a bully.

The three of them need to sit down for a good old-fashioned House Meeting - while everyone is sober and conscious** - and decide together what is OK to wear around the house (or not). Your ex will need to be candid but calm about the impact his roommate’s girlfriend is having on his comfort and feelings of safety. And this should be followed up with a summary email to them both specifying what everyone agreed to. Etiquetteer is no lawyer, but this feels like a situation that could grow into one where a lawyer might be needed.

Etiquetteer hopes that your ex will soon be living with a better sort of person.

*Etiquetteer cannot discover who said this and is frantic to know. Please advise!

**Etiquetteer recommends serving coffee.

Dinner Party Manners, Vol. 19, Issue 45

Dear Etiquetteer:

I agree "we no longer have a need for terrapin forks or strawberry forks," but I do miss the silver “food pusher” my paternal grandparents armed me with whenever I visited them (from my highchair stage and onward) at their Victorian house in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.  My maternal grandparents, instead, served peas separately in a saucer furnished with a spoon.

However, at home, I had a challenge when confronted with peas (or baby lima beans, etc) and had to chase them with a fork, or trap them between knife and fork.  Mashed potatoes were fun to use as a solution: load a fork with a scoop of mash, invert, and slam down firmly upon the peas. (Is this potato procedure Perfectly Proper for an eight-year-old? For an 80-year-old?) Are "food pushers" available at mealtime at the Gibson House (post pandemic)?

Dear Pushing:

The old-fashioned food pusher you describe was most often used with special child-sized silver to help children learn good table manners when they still had tiny fingers. Once they could manage grownup-size silverware, they could also use a piece of bread or a knife to maneuver food onto their fork . . . just the way grownups do. Then the pusher would be returned to the silver chest - or passed on to another child in the family.

As it happens, the Gibson House doesn’t have a silver food pusher in its collection, but it does have quite a few interesting items, from asparagus tongs to finger bowls to the most adorable Limoges custard pots you ever saw. Etiquetteer will be Zooming live from the Gibson dining room next Tuesday, August 25, using the collection to illustrate Elements of the Victorian Dinner Table. Go to the GHM Events page for more information and to reserve a ticket.

You are certainly not the first person, as a child, to solve the Pea Problem with Mashed Potatoes (or even squash). As an adult diner, though, “slamming” anything at the table isn’t Perfectly Proper! Use discretion, and bon appétit.

The dining room table at the Gibson House, seen in reflection from the china cupboard.

Etiquetteer was chatting with a new reader via Instagram who suddenly asked “What do you think is the biggest faux pas people make as a dinner party host, and likewise as a dinner party guest?” For hosts, losing one’s cool when things go wrong comes to the top of the list, because it affects your guests’ enjoyment. When equipment malfunctions, when guests are late (and bringing something essential), or become injured (it happens!), when the soufflé falls, when the wine has gone off - it’s important to keep laughing. It’s not easy sometimes; Etiquetteer has looked with alarm at That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, who can boil over unexpectedly when, um, something boils over unexpectedly. It’s hackneyed advice now, but still the best: Keep Calm and Carry On.

For guests, treating the hosts as if they were restaurant staff ranks as the biggest mistake. When someone has invited you into their homes to extend hospitality, it is Not at All Perfectly Proper to start issuing orders for specific refreshments, extras, or (Heaven help us) sending something back to the kitchen. Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother put it most succinctly: “Take what you get, and like it!” And if you didn’t, just fix yourself a heavy midnight snack when you get home.

Etiquetteer suspects you’ll have your own opinions about bad behavior for hosts and guests. Please share for a future column here.

Complimentary or Creepy? Vol. 19, Issue 44

Dear Etiquetteer:

A woman friend on [Insert Social Media Platform Here] asked her female friends how to tell the difference between a guy being complimentary and creepy. As a man I wonder about the difference as well. I suppose it makes a difference if the parties are both single and romance is a possibility. But what if a friend is looking particularly sexy? How does a friend, not looking for romance, comment? Or is it creepy to comment at all? Does age difference matter? What matters?

Dear Complimenting:

Just to clarify, we’re talking about comments exchanged between People Who Know Each Other and not Total Strangers. The catcalls of construction workers to female passersby are obviously Not Perfectly Proper and don’t play a role here.

The real difference in whether a compliment is actually complimentary or not is in how it’s received. If its impact is creepy, then it’s creepy, regardless of intention. Often what makes a compliment creepy is how it’s delivered. If there is a suggestive tone in your voice, a leering look in your eye, if you’re standing too close, those things all increase the Creep Factor.

Ask yourself how you want to make this person feel. Do you want them to feel good about themselves and their appearance? Do you want to encourage them to wear more of that color or style? Do you want to convey an interest in, um, getting to know each other better? You see where this is going. It’s the difference between “You look desirable” and “I desire you.” How you deliver it can change the impact. But, as Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother used to say, “When in doubt, don’t.” If you’re not sure how a friend might like hearing you tell her about “looking particularly sexy,” best to keep mum.

Etiquetteer is sorry to say that the age gap does make a difference. The older a man is, the more suspect his motives are likely to be. One thinks of elderly, devious Charles Laughton in The Paradine Case making young, beautiful Ann Todd visibly uncomfortable* as he says “You look very, very appetizing tonight, my dear.” You can tell he’s ready to gobble her up, and not just because of the word “appetizing.” There’s a reason for the Lecherous Old Man stereotype: he actually exists. And Etiquetteer knows it, having run interference for years for young ladies who have been creeped out by them.

Etiquetteer will conclude with the age-old advice that a Gentleman never forces his attentions on a Lady.

*Not only that, her husband, Gregory Peck, is in another part of the room.

Reader Response, Vol. 19, Issue 43

Etiquetteer loves to hear from readers, and one just shared a backlog of reactions to earlier columns this year.

On the Victorian use of silver, referred to in Etiquetteer’s column on National Simplicity Day: “It is, indeed, true, that ‘The Victorians came up with rules and regulations about everything in order to keep upstarts and parvenus in their proper places.’ However, the multiplication of serving items (and place items) does make sense. Specialization allowed the transfer [of food] from serving dish to plate, and from plate to mouth, in a more secure fashion. From reading later Victorian etiquette manuals I do see an emphasis on cleanliness and making sure that each guest has access to the most pristine dishes. I have not done the required work to see how this dovetails with medical theories of disease, but I suspect that two are not unrelated.”

Etiquetteer responds: Not only that, the discovery of the Comstock Lode in 1859 flooded the market with silver, making it more affordable. With new refrigerator cars riding America’s rails regularly after the Civil War, a greater variety of foods was also available, fueling a vogue for special silver. But we no longer have a need for terrapin forks or strawberry forks. Like every fashion, its bubble grew and grew . . . and burst.

The emphasis on cleanliness you refer to may be attributed in large part to Ellen Swallow Richards, generally acknowledged to be the founder of home economics in the United States, and the first woman admitted to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

On Proper Dress from the Perfect Propriety of the Future: “Yes, I think that Americans are so lazy that they will take the devolution of their (home)work attire as license to ‘devolve’ their public attire as well. Then again, it might be difficult for it to devolve much further than it already has. Just recently The New York Times wrote that ‘When U.S. clothing sales plummeted 79 percent in April — the largest dive on record — purchases of sweatpants shot up 80 percent.’ This does not bode well.

“I notice that even I have become less formal in my online attire. Then again, when the un-air-conditioned house is at 95 degrees, I'm not certain that I'm prepared to go more formal than a clean, black, well-fitting, and completely unfrayed tee-shirt with a respectable collar.

“I try to keep my camera off. Then again, I have several inches of ponytail*, while the sides are not quite long enough to tie back (no haircut since Thanksgiving), so I am keeping my camera off until I can either go full Lucius Malfoy or complete Londo Mollari. It would be nice if the reaction to having to dress so little for (home)work resulted in better dressing on those occasions when one is in public, but I would not hold my breath.”

Etiquetteer responds: Less rigid formality is not necessarily a bad thing; as noted before, it’s better to be underdressed than overdressed, and no one runs around at home in a suit and tie anyway. But a professional standard is being maintained. Just recently Etiquetteer saw two men friends post on social media that they’d gone back to wearing neckties to work from home in order to make video presentations.

Speculation about “mullet attire” - “business on top, party on the bottom” - is best not indulged in. While Etiquetteer shares your “concern” about the ubiquity of sweatpants, Etiquetteer himself isn’t ordering a new suit for the fall, but indulging in a couple pairs of kajuaru to wear out of camera range.

Many professional men are having to make decisions about their hair. Does one risk visiting a barber during the Time of the Coronavirus, or experiment with a home haircut, or just grow it out? Etiquetteer falls into the latter category, and is quickly morphing into both his own grandmother** and Young Jimmy Buffett. Rather than keep your camera off (which many colleagues may find stand-offish), Etiquetteer would suggest you find a hair gel or other product to style those tendrils back.

Dear Etiquetteer:

And now to the point that I was going to write about before I was distracted by your back issues.

I found (and subsequently lost) a news story that claimed that studies have now shown that people are now spending more time in videoconferences than they ever spent in meetings. Pre-corona, I had two one-hour meetings, one telecon, and two informal office coffees per week.  Now, between Skype, Teams, Zoom, Webex, and BlueJeans, I have ten video meetings per week. And thus I have much less time to get things done! My university has declared every other Friday to be a meeting-free day within the university. This does not apply to outside meetings, but it does help some of the faculty reclaim their missing time.

Dear Professor:

Perhaps these extra meetings are taking the place of a drastically shortened commute? Etiquetteer allegedly has ten more hours a week now that no commuting is involved. It is entirely possible that some of these meetings are born from a need to counter feelings of isolation. That said, too much of a good thing can be more than enough***. Start establishing your own meeting-free times in addition to your meeting-free Friday, and defend that time for your own productivity. You need offer nothing more specific than “I’m sorry, I have another commitment then.”

Readers, how are you managing your professional work load during this challenging period? Please let Etiquetteer know how you’re doing!

*The writer is a gentleman making what may be a first foray into longer hair.

**Scroll through Etiquetteer’s Instagram feed to see comparative photos!

***Unless you’re Mae West, of course.

Etiquetteer Reviews "Cocktail Hour Meets . . . a Pandemic," Vol. 19, Issue 43

Alcohol is a traditional coping mechanism - not always a wise one! - but as in all things, it’s how you do it that makes a difference. Jeremy Cooper and Andy Klausner, who Etiquetteer is delighted to call friends but who claim that they “don’t really drink cocktails,” randomly started mixing a nightly drink when the pandemic quarantine started back in March. The result is now their first book, Cocktail Hour Meets . . . a Pandemic, a collection of 50 recipes with their own pandemic and pre-pandemic inspirations.

This is what happens when Imagination meets Inventory. When you already have so much liquor in the house that you have to keep in it three different locations*, that gives you a tongue-ful of flavors for experimentation. An alternative title could have been Around the World in 50+ Bottles. These boys have traveled almost everywhere (photos and stories of pre-pandemic trips pop up when relevant), and they’ve toted home a fiery and herbaceous rainbow of liquors along the way. They’ve also received cast-off bottles from friends moving out of state, which led to some New Cocktail Possibilities.

Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother (may she rest in peace) was a lifelong teetotaller, but she was a good housekeeper who made a point of not wasting a scrap. Often Andy and Jeremy made choices based on what was starting to go bad in the fridge (Day 3, Spicy Strawberry Margarita), or what near-empty bottle was taking up too much room (Day 19, Strawberry Prickly Pear Margarita). The results look tasty. This is Perfectly Proper Household Wisdom that once came under the name “housewifery” and is a Perfectly Proper example of how we should run our kitchens (and in-home bars) now. Since we’re in a pandemic, the boys also recognize that substitutions are inevitable, and that measurements are . . . casual**.

On Day 24, we finally get to meet Jeremy’s lime juicer, an important element in this story since one of Jeremy’s rules is to “avoid bottled lime and lemon juices at all costs**.” (Etiquetteer couldn’t imagine actually buying lemon juice, but equally couldn’t imagine making a gimlet without Rose’s Lime Juice. That will sound like heresy to some, but Rose’s always reminds Etiquetteer of Philip Marlowe drinking a gimlet at Victor’s in the novel The Long Goodbye. So there you are.) A few recipes involve actively muddling berries in the shaker, and a couple more involve planning the day before, such as Coffee-Infused Campari and Soda (Day 21). But Etiquetteer’s favorite instruction in the book is “. . . just empt[y] the whole bottle into the pitcher.” (Day 13, Pimm’s Cup). There’s something to be said for Simplicity.

Etiquetteer will be most interested to try the Fête du Jardin (Day 23), an original Jeremy creation that sounds very summery and herbal. But also Andy’s recipe for the Betsy Ross (Day 38) because it looks simple and tasty and involves Calvados - and Etiquetteer got to visit that region of Normandy in 2011, and it was marvelous.

Tequila lovers will especially enjoy this as the boys love their tequila. They know an awful lot about it, too, and have even traveled to tequila distilleries. But how will tequila lovers react to the revelation on Day 33 (Cadillac Margarita), that Jeremy adds orange juice to his margaritas? Even more serious to Etiquetteer: they don’t like bourbon! While Scotch pops up in a couple recipes, there’s not one recipe with rye or bourbon. Even their manhattan is made with rum (Day 4). Boys, you need to come up with a rye cocktail for the next edition and call it Weep the Bitter Tears of the Denied, which might go nicely with the Venezuelan Vampire (Day 36) or the Pick Me Up and Lay Me Down (Day 48).

One suggestion: if the instructions include “shake it like a maniac,” a soundtrack suggestion with good rhythm would help. (We do learn a lot about Jeremy’s enjoyment of Pitbull, not to mention how they added exercise equipment to their front hall for an in-home gym.) See also their suggestion for how to prepare a Kir Royale (Day 41). Don’t try that in heels, or after round one!

Cocktail Hour Meets . . . a Pandemic is a delightful read and a possible blueprint for your household in a second wave of the pandemic quarantine. It makes a helpful companion volume to Drinking Like Ladies by Misty Kalkofen and Kirsten Amann, Etiquetteer’s beloved Miss Kitty. The sequel - there must be a sequel - will have to focus on wine and lead us into Forbidden Territory. Suggested title: Let’s Pop a Cork in the Wine Room: 50 Vintage Pandemic Nights.

*Not counting the wine room. Stay out of the wine room! Jeremy doesn’t like anyone in his wine room . . .

**Jeremy says measurements in the book are “directional,” but you get the idea.

**"Unless limes are $.50 each.

Summer of the Coronavirus, Vol. 19, Issue 42

The coronavirus pandemic, now almost in its fifth month, has been challenging everyone’s Perfect Propriety, from grooming to shopping to work habits to personal interaction to technical support. As absolutely awful as it’s been, the only Perfectly Proper thing to do at this point is to stay the course. It’s not easy! Just look at Etiquetteer, clearly fraying at the edges.

You would never have seen Etiquetteer without a bow tie before the pandemic.

A rare weekday morning trip downtown - a place not known for excessive sanity anyway - revealed many - too many - people wearing their masks as chin straps. And that is simply not the Perfectly Proper way to wear one, as you very well know. No wonder everyone’s on edge. Not only that, Chivonne Washington, a supermarket employee, reported seeing a customer take off her mask to sneeze in the supermarket. “This is what we are dealing with — a lack of common sense,” she said.

It’s also interesting to observe how many subway travelers remove their masks to do things they aren’t supposed to do on the subway to begin with: eating, for instance, and talking on the phone. If you have to take your mask off to do it, you shouldn’t be doing it on the subway. Etiquetteer witnessed one young man who took off his mask to read his phone; what need could there be to do that? Thank goodness Etiquetteer hasn’t had to witness anyone flossing — yet.

Yesterday Etiquetteer encountered two Completely Maskless Men near the neighborhood baseball diamond, where they were watching a game from across the street. “Nice mask,” one of them said as Etiquetteer passed. This earned a “Thanks” in response, but no questions about where their own masks were. Just when is it OK to ask where someone’s mask is or why they aren’t wearing one? Etiquetteer considers the risks in any given situation. In this one - just walking by outdoors and not being near the Maskless Men for more than a few seconds - it would not have made sense to bring it up. Indoors, there’s not only the risk of more prolonged contact, but also whether the Maskless Person is packing a gun and ready to brandish it, as Vincent Scavetta did in Florida. Frankly, Etiquetteer is not willing to take that risk. More power to those who are.

Urban residents are also learning to deal with the Loud WFH* Neighbor and the al fresco Zoom call. This summer outdoors is definitely the place to be! But for Heaven’s sake, wear earbuds if you’re gonna do that. You may not be able to keep your own voice down, but at least don’t broadcast your colleagues up and down the street. Nobody wants to hear it.

In a lighter vein, yesterday Etiquetteer found a Lovely Note of Thanks in the box from a neighbor Etiquetteer had assisted while traveling. Lovely Notes are always welcome, but perhaps they are even more so now because of our greater sense of isolation, our inability to be together in person. Don’t forget to express gratitude during this crisis.

Readers, how are you coping with the Summer of the Coronavirus? Has it posed a unique or special challenge to your neighborhood, family, workplace, circle of friends? Etiquetteer wants to help. Please reach out.

*Working from home.

Respectability and #Medbikinigate, Vol. 19, Issue 41

“Reputation, reputation!” — Dr. Victor von Frankenstein

American society used to put a lot more emphasis on respectability and appearing to be respectable. Etiquetteer uses Woodstock as the Point of No Return when considering this issue. After that, everything went to pot . . . in some cases literally. We have relaxed the notion of “respectable people” as defended by Louise Closser Hale in Shanghai Express:

Old and new notions of what’s Perfectly Proper shot above the surface last week with a study published by the Journal of Vascular Surgery regarding “potentially unprofessional” social media content from young vascular surgeons. The backlash from medical professionals resulted in the hashtag #Medbikini, featuring photos of doctors and other medical staff either in bathing suits, drinking alcohol, or both. They made (and continue to make) the point that it is possible to engage in what the study calls “potentially unprofessional behavior” - specifically drinking alcohol, wearing a bathing suit at the beach or pool, and engaging in free speech - in an entirely respectable way.

Etiquetteer does sympathize with the intent of the study, which was to encourage vascular surgeons young in the profession to consider more carefully what potential patients could learn about them on social media. But it shouldn’t take a study to communicate “You might want to change your settings to friends/family only.” The authors now realize their error. One, Dr. Jeff Siracuse, accurately summed up the lesson learned from the backlash: “We realize that the definition of professionalism is rapidly changing in medicine and that we need to support our trainees and surgeons as our society changes without the appearance of judgment.”

“The definition of professionalism is rapidly changing.” The emphasis of the backlash is that doctors can behave responsibly whatever they are doing. One response: “My body is my temple, and treating it as such sets a good example for my patients. Drinking a cocktail while on a well-deserved vacation is not unprofessional.” But this is such a change from the Old Rule of never being photographed with a drink in your hand, which Etiquetteer wrote about in Volume 18. Once upon a time, that was how rumors got started. Now, the rumormongers are more than likely to be called out for spreading Vicious Innuendo. As they should be.

The final takeaways from this Hashtag Brouhaha are that it’s Dangerous to Assume, and that Discretion still has value, even in the age of social media. Changing one’s settings to make posts available to friends only is a) not a bad idea and b) will at least protect you from prying undercover vascular surgeons.

Pandemic Politeness: Correspondence and Masks, Vol. 19, Issue 40

Day before yesterday Etiquetteer posted on Instagram about (how unusual) the importance of Lovely Notes of Thanks. And a couple questions appeared below that post from a dear friend and reader:

Dear Etiquetteer:

But what about a) risk of transmission [of the coronavirus] via contaminated post, and b) impact on the environment?

Dear Friend and Reader:

Happily, the Centers for Disease Control has an answer to your first question already on its helpful COVID-19 Frequently Asked Questions page. Under “Running Essential Errands,” the CDC recommends “After collecting mail from a post office or home mailbox, wash your hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds or use a hand sanitizer with at least 60% alcohol.” You’ll find additional information about the risk of transmission through mail and packages on this page at Hackensack Meridian Health.

So Etiquetteer is not going to let you use possible risk of transmission as an excuse to get out of writing a Lovely Note of Thanks unless you have actually tested positive for or have been taken ill by the coronavirus.

As to the environmental impact of paper correspondence, Donna Harman* wrote in the New York Times back in 2012, “ . . . as more information becomes available about the environmental footprint of data centers, computers and other personal devices, we’re seeing that no form of communication is without environmental impact.” For instance, just yesterday Apple pledged to become carbon neutral by 2030. So no matter how you correspond, there’s an impact. Etiquetteer’s not going to let you use that as an excuse not to send a Lovely Note either.

The positive environmental impact handwritten correspondence has is on the mental health of its recipient, and therefore on the domestic environment of that person and anyone else living there. Etiquetteer received a beautiful Lovely Note of Thanks this week, and let Etiquetteer tell you, it made all the difference!

Now, as long as Etiquetteer is ferreting out Science to back up Etiquette, let’s turn to the most explosive issue of the year, wearing masks to prevent spread of the coronavirus. Skeptics still abound, posting questions about where the scientific justification is for this practice. Once again, the CDC is the place to start for chapter and verse. Their page “Considerations for Wearing Cloth Face Coverings” states “Cloth face coverings are recommended as a simple barrier to help prevent respiratory droplets from traveling into the air and onto other people when the person wearing the cloth face covering coughs, sneezes, talks, or raises their voice.”

Since the virus is thought to be transmitted by respiratory droplets, what, then, could be more Perfectly Proper than to prevent them flying about by wearing a mask? Read here the July 14 call from the CDC for all Americans to wear masks. The CDC also cites a lot of recent studies about virus transmission for those inclined to research further. Etiquetteer, who already has a healthy respect for Science, does not feel the need to delve into them. But if you feel the need, now you have a direct link . . . and you can also harness the power of the internet on your own quest for knowledge if you’d like other sources.

In the meantime, hush up and mask up! It is the only Perfectly Proper thing to do this year.

*Ms. Harman wrote an article in her capacity as president and chief executive of the American Forest and Paper Association. Yes, Etiquetteer is aware that this is a trade group for the paper industry.

Thoughts on Caviar, Vol. 19, Issue 39

Today is National Caviar Day - because the internet said so* - so why not turn to how to enjoy this rarest of delicacies? There are Those People who, like Joan Crawford’s character Flaemmchen in Grand Hotel**, believe “Have caviar if you like, but it tastes like herring to me!” But all Those People need to say is “No, thank you.” That leaves more caviar for the True Believers. But don’t start reaching for the dish too quickly. Aside from Gluttony being a sin and all that, looking greedy and grabby is simply Not Perfectly Proper.

Caviar needs special equipment. Metal is not Perfectly Proper, because the caviar absorbs its flavor. That means no silver spoons. Mother-of-pearl caviar spoons would completely underscore the luxury of the experience, but horn, bone, tortoiseshell, and even wooden spoons preserve the flavor of caviar. It also needs to be served on ice, so a crystal or glass bowl within a bowl is usual. Obviously big old ice cubes are simply not going to work here. You’re going to need finely crushed ice.

A monogrammed two-part caviar bowl with horn spoon.

Caviar, like Champagne, is unquestionably identified with luxury. But they are not always, as the slogan goes, “Two great tastes that taste great together.” Etiquetteer prefers to follow the advice of the late Sir Noel Coward: “Caviar is no good in bright sunshine. It needs chopped egg, seductive lighting, and vodka.”*** Caviar, like vodka, is unquestionably identified with Russia, but that’s not the only reason they pair well. Vodka cleanses the palate more effectively. But those who love Champagne need not be forced to forgo it. For the best Champagne experience with caviar, choose the very driest Champagne you can find. This is not an occasion for Sweetness, though it may engender it in your dinner partner.

That mother-of-pearl spoon is not used to put the caviar directly into your mouth (unless you are alone in the kitchen with your caviar and your conscience). Dab it onto a toast point or a plain cracker (perhaps a Melba toast round?) and then eat. You could also go in for blinis, the traditional Russian pancake, instead of toast or crackers. Fans of Isak Dinesen’s Babette’s Feast will recall happily that Babette included Blinis Demidoff on the menu.

We often see caviar served with some tiny little bits to add to it: sour cream, hard-boiled egg whites and hard-boiled egg yolks****, chives, and minced onion. Minced. Not sliced, not chopped. Minced into teeny tiny little bits. If you can’t mince an onion with Perfect Propriety, you need to get a good mincer or leave it to the pros. (That’s one reason you don’t see Etiquetteer serving caviar.) There are those who say the tiny little bits only help less than top-quality caviar, and others who insist on them. Etiquetteer tends to avoid them because they can be so messy, scattering here and there when they are supposed to stay on the caviar. Remember, tiny portions.

Etiquetteer will actually be spending National Caviar Day abstaining - not just because of the cost, but because of poaching and overfishing in the Caspian Sea. More on that here. Instead, Etiquetteer will be delving into Inga Saffron’s interesting 2002 book Caviar: The Strange History and Uncertain Future of the World’s Most Coveted Delicacy. But if you’re indulging, enjoy every mouthful!

*Dear Internet: why on earth is a day dedicated to enjoying caviar scheduled in the summer? Really, a food that has to be kept ostentatiously ice cold to be enjoyed with Perfect Propriety ought to be observed at a cooler time of the year.

**Credit to screenwriter William A. Drake for the line.

***From his delightful short story “Bon Voyage.”

****They must be kept separate!

Pandemic Politeness: Etiquetteer Dines Out, Vol. 19, Issue 38

The last time Etiquetteer dined out in a restaurant with friends was Leap Day, four and a half months ago. Although Massachusetts numbers appear to be rising again, Etiquetteer decided to take a risk and celebrate Bastille Day with a Francophile Friend at a popular neighborhood bistro. Overall it was a lovely experience, but there have been changes to restaurant dining in the Time of the Coronavirus.

Like many, Etiquetteer is just not comfortable dining out indoors yet - and that’s OK! This particular bistro’s existing sidewalk tables had been expanded into two or three parking spaces on the street, creating a spacious patio for additional tables. While a little closer than expected, the tables were not all squashed together, and there was a breeze. But if you decide that conditions leave you anxious, apologize to the manager and take your leave. Yes, you should apologize, and don’t get huffy about it.

This also makes the weather a lot more important. The forecast was officially “iffy” with gray clouds predominating. Everyone could not be accommodated safely under the sidewalk awning if the heavens opened up. While we did feel a few sprinkles once or twice, it didn’t mar the meal. But check the weather before you go.

Grappling with technology is not a reason for going to a restaurant, but it may become a permanent part of the experience. Etiquetteer kept waiting for a menu, but it never came. The creative restaurateurs have all but eliminated that high-touch item; the menu had been transformed into a QR code stuck to a small glass vase. And that’s great . . . if you know how to use a QR code. Both of us never could figure out how to access it, and then the restaurant’s menu on Google didn’t match what was actually being offered. Eventually things got sorted out, but if you’re planning to dine out, check ahead to be sure you have the right apps on your phone.

So, eliminating high-touch items is a good idea, and Etiquetteer would like to see that extended to the bread basket. Single rolls and individual pats of butter would have been more comfortable than the usual loaf of bistro bun for all to rip apart with one ramekin of butter.

Observe how Etiquetteer has handled the face mask for dinner.

The scene was lively, with every table occupied and fellow citizens back and forth on the sidewalk bisecting the dining area. And Etiquetteer found it interesting to see how the table really did feel like a “safe space” to be around people without wearing a mask. (Diners are required to wear masks when not at their tables.) And diners all managed their masks differently while dining. Some removed them altogether. Others wore them as a chin strap, which Etiquetteer finds risky. You could end up with a bit of food on it quite by accident and then have to spend the rest of your night out wearing a visibly soiled mask. Not a good look. Etiquetteer kept his mask on but swung the mask part behind, leaving only the elastic in the front (see above). That way it couldn’t get lost and was available immediately if necessary.

Etiquetteer did not witness any skirmishes in the mask wars taking place at eating establishments throughout the city. Please read this article from the Boston Globe to find out what’s going on. Etiquetteer really has no patience with these “maskholes.” But with a sidewalk running right through the middle of the dining area, it was also surprising to see how many strollers chose not to wear masks.

Unsurprisingly, the meal was superb, and so was the service. Restaurant work, stressful to begin with, is even more so in the Time of the Coronavirus, and this crew all brought their best, and clearly enjoyed working together as a team. And every mask absolutely in place at all times, not even a nostril visible. If you’re dining out now, tip more generously than you usually do. We’re all in this together!

National Simplicity Day, Vol. 19, Issue 37

Etiquette gets a bad reputation for being complicated. Louis XIV famously used etiquette to exert power at the court of Versailles. The Victorians came up with rules and regulations about everything in order to keep upstarts and parvenus in their proper places. How many forks do you really need to eat dinner? Good Manners don’t have to be overdone. Good Manners can be simple.

So having a Manners Reality Check is a good idea, and National Simplicity Day is just as good a day as any other to have it. Because the internet is just full of holidays, someone decided to rebrand Henry David Thoreau’s birthday, July 12, by calling it National Simplicity Day. Thoreau left his mark for Simplicity in his famous Walden, or Life in the Woods, in which he advocated for a return to Nature and a celebration of the natural world’s purity. Of course it helps if you’d just rather not be around other people. Etiquetteer, far more sociable, considers Thoreau little more than a hermit. But in the Time of the Coronavirus, how many of us would be unwilling hermits were it not for Zoom? Thoreau would, no doubt, never get on line.

The best question to start a Manners Reality Check is Have I expressed kindness? If the answer is Yes (Etiquetteer hopes it is), then ask who received this kindness, and how. If the answer is No (and it might be No), follow up by asking why not, and where someone could have benefited more from your consideration. Benjamin Franklin, the Sage of America, a complex man who appeared simple, really did it best in his daily schedule. In the morning he would ask “What good shall I do this day?” and in the evening “What good have I done today?” It’s not a bad Design for Living.

In ordinary times, Etiquetteer would say that the simplest act of courtesy is a smile. But in the Time of the Coronavirus, the simplest act of coutesy obscures a smile. You know what that means: wear a mask!

Perfect Propriety can be condensed to this: the kind thing is the right thing to do. Considering the feelings of others is the right thing to do. And that means the fewest words are simplest, too. As Sidney Greenstreet so memorably said in The Maltese Falcon, “The simplest of farewells are best. Adieu.”