Summer Reading, Vol. 19, Issue 36

Etiquetteer brought in a big haul of books for summer yesterday, from both the Boston Athenaeum (now reopened for members by appointment only) and Brattle Book Shop (please support the best surviving used bookstore in Boston with a purchase soon!), so let’s look over the catch, along with a couple titles from Etiquetteer’s own library.

DINNER PARTIES

First up, Fannie’s Last Supper: Recreating One Amazing Meal from Fannie Farmer’s 1896 Cookbook, by celebrity foodie Chris Kimball (2010), tells the story of researching and authentically preparing a twelve-course menu of the late Victorian period. While Etiquetteer is highly unlikely to go ferreting out calf’s brains for mock turtle soup or installing a coal stove in the kitchen, this little book already proves engaging because it’s set in a neighborhood Etiquetteer knows well, the South End of Boston.

Roberts’ Guide for Butlers and Other Household Staff, by Robert Roberts (1827), is a compendium of all sorts of advice for 19th-century house servants, with everything from laying the fireplace grates in the morning to setting out a dining room sideboard to show off the household’s possessions in best taste. There are also pages and pages of “receipts” for household cleaners and remedies; it’s astonishing how many uses there are for alum, chalk, and turpentine! One alarming entry is

“TO CURE THOSE THAT ARE GIVEN TO DRINK. Put, in a sufficient quantity of rum, brandy, gin, or whatever the person is in the habit of drinking, three large live eels, which leave until quite dead, give this liquor unawares to those you wish to reform, and they will get so disgusted against it, that though they formerly liked it, they will now have such an aversion to it afterwards . . . “

Etiquetteer is not going to recommend that you try this at home!

Vogue’s Book of Etiquette: A complete guide to traditional forms and modern usage, by Millicent Fenwick* (1948), remains one of the unsung Bibles of 20th-century manuals of manners. Her knowledge of how to put on a dinner of ceremony is unsurpassed.

Caviar: The Strange History and Uncertain Future of the World’s Most Coveted Delicacy, by Inga Saffron (2002), caught Etiquetteer’s eye because National Caviar Day is coming up on July 18. (Also because over 30 years ago Etiquetteer was given an exquisite monogrammed caviar bowl with traditional horn spoon, and has never yet used it for its intended purpose.) In the 19th century it was turtle soup that was the essential delicacy, so much so that the turtle population was made almost extinct. That’s the same sort of thing going on now with caviar, and with shark fin soup in Asia.

Dinner with Edward: The Story of an Unexpected Friendship, by Isabel Vincent (2016), appealed to Etiquetteer’s heart because it celebrates something that many still consider risky in the Time of the Coronavirus: sharing a meal in someone’s home. Etiquetteer does long for the day when a true dinner party may be held again!

AMPLIFYING BLACK VOICES

The Fire Next Time, by James Baldwin (1963), one of America’s most distinguished writers, is thought by critics to be “one of the most influential books about race relations in the 1960s.”

White People Do Not Know How to Behave at Entertainments Designed for Ladies & Gentlemen of Colour: William Brown’s African and American Theater, by Marvin McAllister (2003), tells a forgotten episode of American theatre (and etiquette) history, of the three year period in which William Brown, “a free man of color . . . opened a pleasure garden on Manhattan’s West Side . . . [catering] to black New Yorkers, who were barred from admittance to whites-only venues offering drama, music, and refreshment.” Brown retired from management in 1823 following “negative white reactions, verbal and physical.” Etiquetteer is fascinated to delve into this further.

The Black History of the White House, by Clarence Lusane (2011). Now anyone who knows Etiquetteer at all well knows that Etiquetteer was absorbed by the story of the White House, and the Presidents and First Ladies, from early childhood. Lillian Rogers Parks’ memoir of her time and her mother’s working there as housemaids, Backstairs at the White House, and J.B. West’s Upstairs at the White House about his decades as Chief Usher, have become cherished volumes. Here now is the history we aren’t taught in school, of the enslaved men who had to build the House in the first place, to those who were owned as servants by early Presidents. From Hercules, the enslaved cook of George Washington, through to the present day, this promises the other half of the story.

We Were Eight Years in Power: An American Tragedy, by Ta-Nehisi Coates (2017), examines both the post-Civil War period of Reconstruction as well as the Obama Administration. “This book also examines the new voices, ideas, and movements for justice that emerged over this period — and the effects of the persistent, haunting shoadw of our nation’s old and unreconciled history.”

AND FINALLY . . .

The Courtiers: Splendor and Intrigue in the Georgian Court at Kensington Palace, by Lucy Worsley (2010), covers a period of which Etiquetteer knows little, the reigns of George I and II. It looks to be quite naughty!

Perhaps you also have found some interesting summer reading? Please do share it with Etiquetteer, either on Facebook or Instagram!

*Please do not confuse with that delightful character actress Mildred Natwick. Still, they were never seen together . . .

Patience vs. Anger, Vol. 19, Issue 35

“This,” Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother said many times, “is an opportunity to practice patience.” And you are definitely not the only person who has had many, many opportunities to practice patience this year. Deceit, treachery, protests at a level not seen in 50 years, and a global plague of Biblical proportion have tested our resolve, our endurance . . . and our manners. Not to mention that person who can’t figure out how to keep his or her nose covered with a mask in the supermarket line. What is a Perfectly Proper person to do?

The answer is an old one: hit the pause button. Step back a moment before responding. Take a breath (or two) through your mask. This doesn’t mean don’t respond at all, but don’t be so quick to leap into the fray, especially on the internet*. Abraham Lincoln’s practice of writing an angry letter and not sending it is still good, solid advice. Once you satisfy those angry urges by expressing them to yourself, you gain enough clarity to respond coolly, decisively, and effectively. Everything Etiquetteer has ever regretted saying was said hastily, in anger, without thoughtful consideration.

And sometimes, the best response is no response at all. Dear Mother was also fond of saying “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Etiquetteer was surprised to see a friend suggest that this was an excuse not to speak out against injustice. Not so! Civil protest is one of the most important facets of Freedom of Speech. It’s one thing to be forthright and another to be hurtful. You don’t have to share your true opinion of the baby’s appearance or that new outfit if you don’t like it.

Judith Martin said it best recently in a web presentation about her new book Minding Miss Manners in an Age of Fake Etiquette: "A pugnacious attitude is not a sign of virtue.” Acting like a bully doesn’t make you correct, just loud. Don’t we already have a Prominent National Example of this sort of behavior? And is that really the reputation you want for yourself? As Dear Mother used to say, “A word to the wise is sufficient.”

*And very especially on Twitter. Just avoid Twitter. It’s “a cockpit of angry emotion,” as Charles Laughton said in Advise and Consent.

The Perfect Propriety of Pride, Vol. 19, Issue 34

Today, June 28, 2020, is the 50th anniversary of the first Gay Pride Parade in New York, and therefore the 51st anniversary of the Stonewall Riots. These events happened because good manners were not enough to effect positive change. Protest happens when manners aren’t enough. The Perfect Propriety of Pride is protest. This is the story of how impolite drag queens and radicals kicked forward the cause of gay rights much further than the well-dressed, well-mannered efforts of the Mattachine Society and the Daughters of Bilitis*.

While in the intervening years the atmosphere of Pride has vacillated between hedonism, comfort, complacency, and corporate sponsorship, its protest origins are once again the visible core of events. And in this 50th anniversary year, how very appropriate to see the Pride landscape changing to acknowledge the reality of protest leadership in the black trans community.

In a nation born of revolution, civil protest remains - and must remain - a Perfectly Proper part of our national dialogue. For those taking to the streets, here’s some Perfectly Proper advice from Amnesty International about how to behave. But marching in the streets is not for everyone, and that’s OK. That’s not what the great African-American writer James Baldwin was going to do either. “While not a marching or sit-in style activist,” according to Biography, “Baldwin emerged as one of the leading voices in the Civil Rights Movement for his compelling work on race.” His voice continues to inspire many.

Etiquetteer would like to wish you a Perfectly Proper Pride this year, whether you spend it protesting in the streets or at home. If the former, please be safe! Here’s some Perfectly Proper guidance from Amnesty International if you’re going out. And please wear a mask and practice social distancing as much as possible; the coronavirus is still with us.

You have value. Your voice has value. Use your voice for good. Use it with pride.

A natural manifestation of Pride, 2014.

*But as Etiquetteer has said before, the most valuable lesson from Martin Duberman’s remarkable book Stonewall is that all forms of protest are necessary to create positive change.

Reader Response About Names, Vol. 19, Issue 33

Rarely has Etiquetteer seen such a swift response to a column as to last Wednesday’s reflections on the college professor who tried to force a Vietnamese-American student to Anglicize her name. Thanks to all who chose to share their own thoughts, some of which are below, and some of which are on the original column on Etiquetteer’s Facebook page.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I am a high school teacher in a diverse urban district. I have had students named Phoc, Ghay, and Merry Christmas. I felt awkward the first few times I addressed each of them by name, but I considered that to be my problem to solve, not theirs. Eventually, I did get over my awkwardness. A related behavior that I find offensive is when people feel compelled to make jokes about other people’s names. When someone does this to one of my students, I quietly tell the student, “I‘ll bet you hear that all the time, and each person thinks he is the first one to think of it.”

Dear Educator:

Unoriginality is one of the banes of humor. Etiquetteer feels sure that your students felt as weary as James Cagney in later life when yet another waggish restaurant diner sent over a grapefruit to his table, as a joke after his memorable 1931 performance in Public Enemy. Tedious indeed!

Some names do, alas, lend themselves unavoidably to humor. Ima Hogg, the “First Lady of Texas,” is one of the most memorable of many examples. A beloved elderly cousin of Etiquetteer’s used to recall fondly that she went to school with children named Dee Klein and Boyle Weiner! It does make one wonder just what their parents were thinking . . .

Dear Etiquetteer:

I so much prefer the name Michael to Mike. It happens a lot in food service places. An example: only yesterday I ordered a sandwich which was to be brought to me. Of course they brought it to “Mike.”

Dear Michael:

Having spent decades being called “Bob” - mostly by Elderly Heterosexual Men of the Bluff, Hearty Type - instead of “Robert,” Etiquetteer can only offer you compassion. A former colleague named Patricia demonstrated the most Perfectly Proper response; when addressed as “Pat,” she simply replied “I prefer Patricia.” When even that did not work on the Bluff, Hearty Types, Etiquetteer had to resort to “Actually, I prefer Sir.”

Dear Etiquetteer:

Teaching in public schools, I was usually addressed as Mr. [Insert Surname Here], although in one backwoods high school where I was the sole math teacher, some of my slower students often called out "Hey Teach?" In New England private schools, I preferred "Mr. [Insert Last Name Here]" but by tradition in one school it was the generic "Sir?" Sometimes as I approached a gaggle of students I would hear "Shhh! Here comes Sir!" That I much disliked but ignored.

I never taught at [Insert Name of Posh Suburban School Here], but there the male teachers were addressed as Master and Surname. A teacher there, Mr. Bates was nevertheless addressed as Master Bates. This is not a rumor, as all the boys from one of my 6th grade classes came from that school and told me. Private school students who have kept in touch with me over the decades later shifted to calling me by my first name. I liked this, especially in my elder years.

Dear Teacher:

Indeed, the shifting of a student/teacher relationship to that of friends of equal standing is one of the most rewarding aspects of teaching.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I'm wondering why the idiot teacher didn't just opt to refer to the student as "Miss Last Name." Problem solved!

Dear Direct:

Ah, the price of Casualness! We couldn’t possibly appear so remote and formal, could we?! That might mean we can’t foster a connection with others! Sarcasm aside, of course Etiquetteer agrees with you, but the days of returning to that form of address feel long gone.

From Darling:

I confess, I often call people "darling" when I have forgotten their names (which, alas seems to happen more frequently as I age). Even when I know someone's name, I call them darling.  Darling . . . such a fabulous word!

Darling!

It is fabulous, isn’t it? And also quite sweet sometimes. Through the Tallulah Bankhead Haze of Dahlings, Etiquetteer also still hears the cheerful voice of his Genteel Southern Grandmother, who always pronounced it “Dallin.” “Hello, dallin!” she’d say with a friendly smile when someone came into the room. It’s a favorite memory - and a sign of What Ages Well. Kindness and Cheerfulness always do.

What's in a Name, Vol. 19, Issue 32

“There is no minor . . . mistake when it’s a question of your name.” — Clare Boothe Luce

Etiquetteer found himself absorbed in this story from yesterday’s news, about a community college professtor who asked a Vietnamese-American student to change her name because it sounded offensive in English. Her first name is Phuc.

When cultures commingle, frictions erupt, very much as earthquakes are caused by the pressure of tectonic plates. Etiquetteer has never forgotten the story* of the English or American missionary in Tonga starting a youth choir. Observing repeated embarrassment when trying to lead these young Tongans in the scale - do re me fa so la ti do - he finally asked what the trouble was. “You swear three times in Tongan!” one of the boys blurted out. Alternate syllables were found for the Tongan profanities. Problem solved.

But one’s name is one’s identity, not open to negotiation. This is a change - a notable change - from previous practice. During the Great European Migration of the 19th century many immigrants were given Anglicized names**. To this day many Asian or Asian-American people have adopted English names as a matter of convenience. In fact, a student in this class with the same name already had an Anglicized name. But that was the student’s choice, not a requirement.

Profanity has become so omnipresent that it seems almost quaint that the professor should express any squeamishness about appearing to say a Dirty Word. It is Most Unfortunate that he persisted in asking this Young Lady to choose a different name — “I understand you are offended, but you need to understand your name is an offensive sound in my language.” — but it is for him to manage the squeamishness, not for the student to accommodate it by suppressing her identity. Etiquetteer is very much hoping for a calm solution now that the professor has expressed public contrition.

On a sort-of related note, it’s worth observing that over the last 50 years it’s become impolite to address service personnel by their jobs***. When was the last time you heard someone call out “Waitress!” or “Porter!” or “Conductor!” for instance?**** These days it’s more Perfectly Proper to say “Excuse me, sir” or “miss” or “ma’am.” While Etiquetteer came along too late to enjoy the Great Age of Rail Travel, one of its most shameful aspects was the practice of calling all Pullman porters “George,” whether it was their real name or not. Socially, Etiquetteer has always favored the Tallulah Bankhead Approach - just call everyone “Dahling!” - for a forgotten name, but it somehow seems disrespectful when interacting with service personnel. (Not that Tallulah ever bothered about that!) Etiquetteer will be interested in your personal experience for a future column. Please drop a line if so inclined.

*Only where the story came from. Was it National Geographic? If you know, please let Etiquetteer in on the secret.

**The best example Etiquetteer can think of is the brother and sister team of David Wallechinsky and Amy Wallace, authors of The Book of Lists. When David discovered that their original American ancestor, from Russia, had been given the name Wallace on arrival, he adopted the original family name for his own.

***The prominent exceptions, of course, are Medicine and Ministry, both service professions. Doctors are still called “Doctor” and nurses “Nurse,” and religious staff by appropriate titles: “Rabbi,” “Reverend,” “Sister,” etc. When you know the person’s name, add it.

****You certainly can’t yell “Oh, butler,” can you. Maybe somebody’s name is Butler.

Random Issues, Vol. 19, Issue 31

Etiquetteer is feeling a little scattershot today, flitting about like a magpie from one thing to another.

Let’s start with Father’s Day. As it happens, 2020 is the 110th anniversary of the first Father’s Day, and 2022 will be the 50th anniversary of Father’s Day as a nationwide holiday. Etiquetteer’s thoughts inevitably turn to Dear Father today, and this year particularly to two pieces of advice that have aged well. The first is a motto he put on the wall of his office: “Success isn’t final. Failure isn’t fatal.” The other is the way he would conclude all his letters: “BE as great as you ARE,” a direct appeal to one’s better nature - and recognition that a better nature is there, even if we ourselves can’t quite see it.

Dear Father identified with the struggle of the King in The King and I of how to navigate through life. “A Puzzlement” was his favorite number in the show, and his guiding sentiment was one of its last lines: “Every day I do my best for one more day.” And when you think about it, that’s one of the best examples any parent could set for any child. Thank you, Dear Father, for your good example.

From the inbox, a reader took exception to the question about how to handle alcohol online:

Dear Etiquetteer:

My recovery is mine. It is not up to other people to manage or protect my thoughts, field of vision, or interactions. That's all mine to address. The response to being offered a drink is "No. Thank you." The response to seeing lots of alcohol is look in the other direction. The response to being among people who are under the influence is to leave. Note: All these actions are mine.

Dear Reader:

You’re absolutely right. Personal responsibility is at the core of recovery from addiction. And yet Etiquetteer does feel a certain sympathy for the reader who wrote that question, because sometimes it does feel like the internet is just floating away on a tide of booze! Etiquetteer can almost see a shoal of those little paper cocktail umbrellas drifting through every social media platform, like buoys on an endless reservoir of Temptation. It must feel difficult when all you want is a safe space and every click or swipe just presents another drink you don’t want.

But again, that’s where personality responsibility solves the problem. Curating one’s feed to eliminate Frequent Imbibers and to cultivate Companions in Sobriety is something no one else can do for you.

In other news, it is distressing to continue to read about fellow citizens without masks behaving rudely when asked to mask. The latest “coughing Karen” episode took place in a New York bagel shop. With Manhattan an American epicenter of the coronavirus, Etiquetteer finds it astonishing that anyone there would not appreciate the heightened anxiety of fellow citizens about coughing in a food store without making any attempt to cover it, whether they believed they had COVID-19 antibodies or not. It’s not just Not Perfectly Proper, it’s Absolutely Inexcusable. Please, ladies and gentlemen, follow local guidelines, show consideration to others, and wear a mask in public.

Lastly, public officials got reminded at least to look like they’re paying attention during public meetings. Last Thursday, East Baton Rouge Parish School Board member Connie Bernard received a blistering critique from a fellow citizen who observed her dress shopping on her laptop during a public meeting of the school board. It didn’t help her cause that the meeting was to discuss racism.

As a veteran of many, many committee meetings, Etiquetteer can testify how easy it is for one’s attention to wander. Nevertheless, when one is in a public meeting and one’s computer screen can be clearly visible, Discretion is advised. It appears that Ms. Bernard’s success is not final, but it’s not yet clear if her failure is fatal.

And that should be quite enough for today! Should Etiquetteer be commenting on other things? Please drop a line with your suggestions.

Unwanted Online Alcohol, Vol. 19, Issue 30

Dear Etiquetteer:

I am a recovering alcoholic who has no problem with you and every other non-problem drinker enjoying alcohol as much as you like - as long as you don't expect me to do so. I have been reticent about registering any impatience with the flood of Instagram posts about people's favorite cocktails, wines, liquors, ales, beers, hard ciders, marcs, aperitifs, digestifs, etc. Most people are puzzled by what seems to be one of the few yawn-inducing Facebook habits that migrated to Instagram - plates of food posts - as opposed to something you're actually preparing yourself. But they don't seem to be miffed by the explosion of alcohol splashing that is going on. Some of it is done by influencers and wannabes or are outright adverts like the Breaking Bad stars pushing their tequila.

My problem is how can I let people know that they are possibly - and I hate to use this word - triggering people with substance abuse problems? Then I read this article from The Guardian, “Can we all agree to stop Instagramming our cocktails?” by David Ferguson, and realized I wasn't alone. Is there any way to gently suggest that if you want to celebrate your love for alcohol you should do so in the company of your fellow drinkers? Would anyone really enjoy being accosted in a hotel lobby by someone suggesting we all have a Negroni right now? I know there is probably no solution, but while I have been fortunate in staying sober for ten years, it is a daily struggle for many. I know that many people can't socialize without drinking or simply can't "celebrate" without alcohol. Perhaps they ought to consider those of us who can't do so.

Dear Sober:

First, congratulations on ten years of sobriety, a beautiful achievement that Etiquetteer knows took a lot of hard work and tenacity. Your concern for others in recovery who might be triggered by alcohol-oriented social media is to be commended. This is an issue that's been exacerbated by the quarantine leaving us all at home, and not always thinking imaginatively about boredom. The impact on everyone in recovery hasn't really been considered. The hashtag #drinkresponsibly may not make it easier for you.

But you’re right, there isn’t a solution that involves other people changing their behavior. Social media users posting their tipples may already think they are doing so “in the company of fellow drinkers,” as you say. It isn’t fair to expect everyone to self-censor, assuming that there’s always someone in recovery following their Instagram feed.

The solution is in how you yourself choose to interact on social media. Back before the pandemic, when real life was conducted in person and not over screens, if someone in recovery was feeling too tempted in a social situation, they would leave that situation.* In your social media life, can you create for yourself an alcohol-free zone? This may mean unfollowing or muting Frequent Imbibers. Celebrities and influencers will not care, but with personal friends or colleagues, you might mention that you need to step back from the Heavy Tide of Booze you’re seeing.

Awareness of a problem is an important part of solving that problem. How comfortable are you making others aware of the dangers of relapse through your own posts? Could you post content like Mr. Ferguson’s interesting article from The Guardian or other content that counters alcohol consumption? Maybe something related to one of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous or of their Daily Reflection? Not everyone is comfortable going public with their recovery status - that’s a very personal choice - and Etiquetteer is the first to respect their privacy. Declaring your own social media feeds as Alcohol-Free Zones does not expose you, though, and may also signal to others in recovery that you are a Social Media Safe Space.

Etiquetteer wishes you a safe, nurturing journey through social media with the non-alcoholic beverage of your choice.

*Etiquetteer knows this from personal experience. Many years ago, Etiquetteer pointed a freshly-arriving party guest directly toward the bar. He instead made a U-turn for the door, and never returned. Only later did Etiquetteer discover that this gentleman was in recovery, and that the sight of that many bottles made him feel very insecure. Etiquetteer felt terrible, and would have chosen to see that friend in different circumstances rather than make him feel awkward.

Protest vs. Manners, Vol. 19, Issue 29

Protest is what happens when manners are not enough to bring about positive change.

You may have noticed that Etiquetteer has not been active for the last couple weeks. It has been difficult to find the best words to express myself, and especially at this time, better to say nothing than to express something badly. Let’s face it, a lot of what Etiquetteer has to write about is entirely frivolous, and frivolity has no place in the current conversation. I admire those blessed with instant eloquence, but I don’t have it. I have had to take a more contemplative approach.

Let’s begin with the most important statement: Black lives matter more than manners. Protest is what happens when manners aren’t enough. If you’re protesting for positive change, for the end of systemic racism, for the end of police brutality, for Justice for George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery - keep doing what you’re doing. Whether you’re marching, writing, donating, educating yourself, registering voters for Election Day**, keep doing it. All Etiquetteer would ask is that, if you’re out and about, please wear a mask to protect from the coronavirus. Your health has value, and so does the health of everyone with you.

Manners are the oil that smooth our path and make our daily interactions with others easier. At least when they work well, when everyone is playing the game and treating everyone else with dignity and respect and consideration and kindness. Everyone. But let’s look at our current cultural moment*. Protests against racism, against the murder of black citizens by police (it cannot be called anything but murder), have captured the consciousness of the nation even more than the coronavirus pandemic. A friend once quoted Travis Nichols’ Punk Rock Etiquette***: “Etiquette is how you play along with the power structure.” The black community and their allies of all races haven’t seen any change in police brutality or systemic racism in spite of their efforts. And now, rightly, they are protesting. And finally, slowly, change is starting to happen. But it took protest, not manners, to get to this place.

When the superstructure of Form grows too big for the foundation of Function, the structure topples. The court of Versailles was the pinnacle of etiquette in the 18th century. But they ignored the suffering of the people, and their gilded disregard was overthrown by revolution. The autocracy of the Romanovs dominated Russia for 300 years. But they suppressed, often brutally, any expression of outrage or criticism, and their bejeweled disregard was overthrown by revolution.

Big societal change is coming; it’s felt everywhere. The coronavirus pandemic has already brought lasting change to how we entertain, work, shop, worship, show respect for science, and consideration for others — and we still don’t know what all those changes are or how they’ll impact our future. The statues are being toppled, just as they were in previous revolutions.

Etiquetteer does not want to see the statues of Etiquette and Manners toppled into the sea. We will still need them in our daily lives. But Etiquetteer can see them being remodeled to substitute that Dismissive Sneer over a teacup that too many people have experienced into a more Kindly Smile that invites everyone to the tea table.

***

Etiquetteer is learning along wth everyone else during this Time of Impending Change. Mistakes will be made. People will call you out on them, often unkindly. Absorb the lessons and move on.

First and foremost, speak your truth. But if you don’t know what to say, listen. I hear you, everyone sharing the "Silence is violence” message, and I applaud your certainty in knowing how best you want to communicate what you want to say. But to say nothing publicly and be active behind the scenes is better than expressing something badly and being pilloried by the internet.

Next, keep moving forward. Nil bastardum carborundum!

Finally, don’t feed the trolls! This is especially important on Twitter, that social media cesspool infested with bots.

People are hurting. People are angry. We are on the brink of permanent change, not only because of the coronavirus, but because of the new awareness that we didn’t all share the same “normal.” What was normal for some was actively unsafe, miserable, and unsustainable for many others. The next version of normal that comes out of this year must offer safety, stability, and kindness for all of us.

***

*”Don’t say ‘cultural moment!’” a friend said to Etiquetteer. “It implies that the moment will pass without having made any change.” Etiquetteer begs to disagree; this cultural moment is beginning a new era.

**This could be one of the most important ways to get involved!

***If you happen to have a copy, could you please verify this quote? Thank you kindly.

A Message to Etiquetteer Readers

Dear Readers:

This is Robert talking.

Wednesday is supposed to be a column day over here at Etiquetteer, but I’d be lying if I said that the events of the last week, begun by the murder of George Floyd by a Minneapolis policeman, haven’t left me with a lot of thoughts, but no idea how to express them. What does it matter, which plate to use or how to wear gloves, in the face of great social upheaval?

Without question the topic of the day is protest. Etiquetteer wrote about the etiquette of activism in 2016; aspects of that column seem quaint four years later. Trying to write about protest today, I began with “Speak your truth, but if you don’t know what to say, listen.” And I realized, that’s me. So, I’m listening.

There are so many unheard voices in America, fellow citizens who have had enough of being ignored. Start surfing and searching the internet and you’ll find them; I am. This isn’t a time to be comfortable or complacent, as safe as comfort and complacency might make us feel. That means this journey may be difficult. Don’t turn away from it.

There is still interest in all the usual etiquette-related topics, of course, and I expect Etiquetteer will return on Sunday with something more typical. But for now, I have a lot of reading and learning to do outside the usual manners curricula.

Black Out Tuesday 2020

#blackouttuesday #blacklivesmatter #theshowmustbepaused

Tenth Dress Dinner Challenge Recap, May 30, 2020

Another pandemic quarantine weekend, another Dress Dinner Challenge from Etiquetteer! As Ruth Draper so memorably said in her monologue The Italian Lesson, “I want a simple little dinner,” and I kept it simple this weekend.

Cocktail Martini à Colonie Spécial

Hors-d'œuvre oubliés

Salade de pois de l'Iowa, à la White Way

Poulet aux Clement Courge jaune sautée

Gelée de vin encore une fois

Truly there is no fresher-tasting, nor more potent, cocktail than a Colony Special martini. That dash of absinthe lends a taste of spring just past to all that gin. The only other thing that comes close to it is Żubrówka vodka from Poland, which is flavored with bison grass. Beyond a few olives, I chose to omit any hors d’oeuvres this evening. Heaven be praised I do not have COVID-19, but three months of cheese and crackers at a daily cocktail hour have finally proved that I’ve gained the COVID 19. As they say in the fashion world, it’s “not a good look.” Cheese turned up in the dinner menu anyway . . . no need to overdo it.

For the salad course, a summertime innovation away from the usual greens: Iowa Pea Salad, White Way Style from my beloved Square Meals cookbook by Jane and Michael Stern. Close friends will laugh, ‘cause I’ve been trotting out this recipe for years. But I just love it, because I love peas, and it is very simple to make. Peas, cheese, pickle relish, celery, et voilà! Instead of the boiled dressing given in the book, I thinned out a bit of mayonnaise with ice water and seasoned with dry mustard and cayenne. Served on a small bed of greens, it’s middle-class cookery at its best.

Everything else was a breeze: a breaded and seasoned bit of chicken, a sautéed yellow squash, and a leftover bit of last Saturday’s wine jelly. Next time I make that, I’ll quarter the recipe and not halve it . . .

It will be interesting to see how much longer the quarantine continues; several states are talking about reopening in the next few weeks, though the wisdom of that is debatable. I wish you Joy and Safety in the coming week.

Reader Response: Gloves and Overdressing, Vol. 19, Issue 28

Etiquetteer really can’t predict what will provoke a reaction, and was a bit surprised to hear from a few readers after the recent column on gloves:

Dear Etiquetteer:

Tut, tut, white kid gloves never look clean for more than a few minutes. Much better to wear black gloves and be a fashionable ghoul. Could black gloves still look elegant if they are worn while a person is garbed in a ratty tee shirt and trimming an aggressive and thorny shrub?

Dear Ghoulish:

An Instagram reader made a similar comment, recalling that gloves used to get dirty so quickly because in older days a layer of coal soot covered everything. Etiquetteer thinks it’s quite possible that that’s the reason old etiquette and household books put such an emphasis on spotless white linen. It was so difficult to achieve!

Black gloves may, of course, be Perfectly Proper without being at all ghoulish. Ghoulishness defines Morticia Addams and the Marchesa Casati, for instance. But Holly Golightly . . . now she was severely stylish and lively. The only problem with black gloves is that dirt appears white on them.

As to your latter query, Etiquetteer can’t consider that gardening gloves are ever Perfectly Proper in black.

Dear Etiquetteer:

My mother always wore white gloves and I think they're very elegant. I wish they would come back. As for myself I always wanted those leather gloves the cowboys wore in the movies. I thought they were very macho, although there was no such word as macho at the time.  Maybe better to say they were cool although cool also wasn't a word in those days.

Dear Cowboy:

Those heavily fringed gauntlet gloves that Buffalo Bill and the rodeo cowboys wore were indeed cool! Your message reminded Etiquetteer of the midcentury vogue for cowboys and little boys and girls out in public with their cowboy hats. But they wouldn’t quite look Perfectly Proper with a bow tie . . .

But Etiquetteer was most surprised with challenges to the old dictum that it is better to be underdressed than overdressed. Both these readers make discerning points that require some clarification.

Dear Etiquetteer:

You have frequently stated that it is more proper to be underdressed than overdressed, but my dear mother has always asserted that when in doubt, dress more formally, as it makes others think that you have somewhere more interesting to go afterwards.

Dear Overdressing:

Your mother is quite correct that, when going on to a more formal function after a less formal one, one dresses for the later function. Etiquetteer will never forget an occasion over 25 years ago when a business-casual after-work mixer suddenly included a gentleman in white tie. He let everyone know he had something else immediately following - perhaps a little too insistently.

But Etiquetteer almost has a little tear in his eye, thinking about the guests at the party your overdressed mother is leaving, worried that they might think themselves too insignificant to compel her interest or, worse, muttering “Well! She certainly thinks she’s too good for us!” That’s not the sort of after-party impression one wants to leave. But as in all things, it’s how it’s done. One can be a Provoking Parvenu or a Lady of Mystery.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I beg to differ about the degree of impropriety contingent upon overdressing. Does Etiquetteer really think it would be less of an affront to show up at a reception for, say, the Governor General of Canada in jeans, t-shirt, and scuffed cowboy boots rather than morning dress? (Given that others would be in regular daytime business attire.) I believe that I speak for many of us who do nor regard wearing a tie as "dressing up" but rather as dressing. I conclude by invoking the spirit of Lucius Beebe who only wore soft-crowned hats west of the Continental Divide, save for his final San Francisco sojourn.

Dear Discerning:

Etiquetteer never for one moment suggested that dressing beneath the established dress code for an event was Perfectly Proper, as you seem to imply. No indeed! The whole point of “It’s better to be underdressed than overdressed” is a guide against ostentation, not an absence of a Sense of Occasion.

Your message, and the one above it, prompted Etiquetteer to go search for “chapter and verse” on this bit of Personal Presentation Wisdom. Throughout Etiquetteer kept hearing the phrase “When choosing between velvet and wool, choose the wool.” Where did Young Etiquetteer read that?! It wasn’t in Judith Keith’s madcap I Haven’t a Thing to Wear. It wasn’t in Frances Bruce Strain’s Love at the Threshold. It wasn’t in I Try to Behave Myself: Peg Bracken’s Etiquette Book. Etiquetteer finally had to go back to the Pure Milk of the Word: Dear Mother’s copy of the 1950 Etiquette by Emily Post Herself. Right there on page 464, in a section headed “When in Doubt,” Emily keeps it simple: “When in doubt, wear the plainer dress. If you don’t know whether to put on a ball dress or a dinner dress, wear the dinner dress; or whether to wear wool or velvet to a lunch party, wear the wool.*”

She also references Beau Brummell’s having said “When one attracted too much notice, he could be sure of being not well dressed but over-dressed.” Search for that phrase in an internet search engine and you only get references to Mrs. Post, not Brummell. One relevant Brummell quote: “To be elegant one should not be noticed.” And another: “If people turn to look at you in the street, you are not well dressed, but either too stiff, too tight, or too fashionable.” Perhaps Emily conflated them.

So, dear readers, are you going to go up against both Emily and Beau? Etiquetteer doesn’t have the courage, thank you very much.

*From Etiquette by Emily Post, 1950. Used without permission.

The Future of Gloves, Vol. 19, Issue 27

Dear Etiquetteer:

With everyone concerned - or at least with a lot of people concerned - about spreading the coronavirus, do you think that gloves are set to make a comeback? I don’t mean disposable medical gloves or rubber gloves, but traditional old-fashioned white gloves. Maybe if everyone wore gloves we could shake hands safely again. Does this seem likely?

Dear Loving Gloves:

One might think that gloves would protect against anything, since that’s their purpose. But with a matter of health, it’s best to consult one’s doctor first. And right now the medical community says that wearing gloves does not protect against the coronavirus. You read that correctly, does not. This helpful piece from Good Housekeeping explains that “COVID-19 doesn't transmit through skin contact on your hand, but rather when bacteria enters your system through mucous membranes on your body or via respiratory droplets in close proximity.” So, if you’ve touched something with your gloved hand, and then end up touching your face, that defeats the purpose of wearing gloves as protection. Here’s the Center for Disease Control’s official page on when to wear gloves.

The article goes on to report that gloves, especially woven gloves (read: cotton, silk, nylon), help move the coronavirus around to other surfaces, such as your phone, your keys, your wallet . . . or someone else’s gloved hand. So Etiquetteer cannot support the Return of the Handshake, even with gloves. And most Etiquetteer readers favor substituting a simple nod of the head for the handshake right now anyway.

When do gloves help? Good Housekeeping says they help if they remind you not to touch your face. Etiquetteer would add that a Perfectly Proper pair of kid gloves, in white or any color, help if they improve your mood. For ladies there’s almost no more elegant accessory than a pair of white gloves. But aside from the CDC’s recommendation that gloves be disposed of after each wearing*, white gloves would look out of place with jeans or shorts, don’t you think? A pair of gloves could elevate the tone of pair of leggings. See an example from the ballet world below.

Gloves were not just elegant; they were hard work, too. Believe it or not, they had to be cleaned with gasoline! “For cleaning gloves, gasoline, benzine, naphtha, and soap used with either milk or water, fuller's earth, with or without powdered alum, cream of tartar, pipe clay, French chalk, bread crumbs, and corn meal are all recommended.” Deborah Mitford, Duchess of Devonshire, remembered being given a pair of her mother’s long white kid evening gloves during her debutante year, and that they had to be shipped off to Pullar’s of Perth to be cleaned after every wearing**.

While we think of white as the most Perfectly Proper color, other colors have also been stylish. If Fréderic Chopin’s gloves were not white, they were lilac, one of his favorite colors. In the 19th-century yellow gloves were part of a gentleman’s required wardrobe for formal calls. Etiquetteer vaguely remembers reading about the Norwegian playwright Henrik Ibsen being laughed out of the room by friends when he appeared for the first time wearing yellow gloves - much too formal for all those bohemians! Remember, it’s a greater sin to be overdressed than underdressed. You’ll find an interesting history of gloves at Encyclopedia Brittanica. And here’s a lot more at Vintage Dancer.

But thinking just in terms of personal style, a pair of gloves can make an outfit. Final costume preparations for the Ballets Russes’ new ballet Les Biches took an unexpected turn when Serge Diaghilev Himself picked up the scissors and cut away most of the velvet frock coat being worn by Vera Nemtchinova, almost completely exposing her legs. At the time, that was not yet the norm for ballerinas. “I feel naked!” cried Nemtchinova, who Diaghilev promptly told to “go buy yourself some white gloves!” “The celebrated white gloves became almost a part of the choreography,” recorded Diaghilev’s biographer Richard Buckle.***

Vera Nemtchinova in costume for Les Biches. She made the gloves an essential part of her performance.

So Etiquetteer will not be adopting gloves this summer, but will certainly continue to wear a mask in public when it’s necessary to go out.

*Queen Mary famously never wore the same pair of gloves twice, but she could afford it. She could also afford to wear that many diamonds before 5:00 PM and get away with it . . .

**From her wonderful memoir Wait for Me!

***From Diaghilev (1979), page 420.

Post-Pandemic Politeness: Survey Results, Vol. 19, Issue 26

Etiquetteer was interested to know what readers thought about how Perfect Propriety might change after the end of the coronavirus pandemic quarantine lockdown (if it ever ends). Thanks to all who took the survey. The results have been interesting! And please note: the percentages do not all add up to 100% because not all respondents answered all questions.

FACE MASKS

Face masks have become the new must-have accessory this year, and Etiquetteer asked what readers felt about them for the future.

• No one felt “Face masks should look alike, like a school uniform, to play down economic differences.”

• 42% felt “It doesn't matter what a face mask looks like, as long as it looks simple and effective.”

• 42% felt “People should be able to wear whatever mask they choose, regardless of what it looks like.”

• 17% felt “People should be able to wear a mask or not. It's a free country.”

Unsurprisingly, face masks have definitely become a means of creative expression. But Etiquetteer must respectfully disagree with the 17%. Wearing a face mask in public is an expression of consideration for others. In public one is often unable to practice social distancing, sometimes unexpectedly. Besides, no one, including oneself, can know who is or isn’t asymptomatic. Wearing a mask in public is Perfectly Proper. Period.

FORMS OF GREETING

When asked what might replace the handshake, here’s how readers responded:

• 34%: Simple nod of the head

• 22%: Simple bow from the waist

• 22%: Namaste greeting

• 6%: Long-distance fist bump

• 3% Vulcan salute

Interestingly, two of the comments emphasized hugging, perhaps not considering that a greeting of the future would not involve physical contact of any kind (except by mutual consent). Two others suggested the elbow bump; that could happen, though Etiquetteer doesn’t really consider it dignified (and it always calls to mind Madeline Kahn in Young Frankenstein). Another respondent said “I'm confident that handshakes will remain as they have for thousands of years.” Etiquetteer, so far, does not share that confidence. Some alternate suggestions also appear in this article from AARP.

WEDDINGS

When asked if the era of the Big Wedding was ending due to the coronavirus, respondents said:

• 58% said “Maybe. I think weddings may get a little smaller, but there will still be large weddings.”

• 31% said “No, people will resume pre-pandemic ways to attend weddings.”

• 11% said “Yes, I think fewer people will want to travel long distances to participate in weddings.”

We have already seen how creatively many Happy Couples have been in continuing to hold wedding ceremonies using social distancing guidelines and videoconferencing software like Zoom. Etiquetteer predicts that, as more and more people realize how easy it is to participate in a wedding without the expense and inconvenience (and risk of illness) related to travel, that weddings will shrink once the quarantine has ended. Happy Couples of the Future need to be prepared to broadcast the ceremony regardless.

Etiquetteer has covered questions received through the survey in other columns, and here is one final query:

Dear Etiquetteer:

When interacting with friends and family, how can we balance the duty to be cheerful and positive without denying sadness and loss?

Dear Smiling:

This often feels like one of the biggest challenges, doesn’t it? It’s important not to deny sad feelings, which is such a departure from the etiquette of the past. Once upon a time it was bad manners to bring up anything disagreeable. Nowadays we know that that sort of suppression is unhealthy, and we can acknowledge our emotions more openly. The Perfectly Proper answer to “How are you?” is always “Very well, thank you.” But when it gets asked the second time - “But darling, how are you? How have you been doing through all this?” - you can be more candid. “Things can be difficult some days, so much is changing. But I do my best to keep my spirits up.” And then you can briefly share some specifics about your coping mechanisms if you like, and ask about theirs.

It is challenging to find Joy and Stability at this time, but Etiquetteer encourages you to continue to seek them out as you check in with friends and family.

Ninth Dress Dinner Challenge Recap, May 23, 2020

Memorial Day Weekend! The pandemic continues, though quarantines are lifting in some places, but Dress Dinner Challenge continues.

A few patriotic elements entered the evening, starting with a red, white, and blue wardrobe. Memorial Day Weekend, of course, is when white shoes may be brought out with Perfect Propriety, as well as seersucker. The striped bow tie was the voter’s choice by a narrow margin over a red paisley, but it was my secret favorite for this weekend.

The menu included a couple recipes from The First Ladies Cookbook:

Highball gin et tonique

Celeri coupé Amandes Olives

Saumon bouilli, sauce aux œufs Sauté de courgettes

Salade vert

Gelée de vin

For me, Memorial Day Weekend is also the start of gin and tonic season, and a highball is always less heavy than a cocktail anyway. After last Saturday’s butter-rich menu, some effort needed to be made to lighten things up, so goodbye cheese. Olives aren’t that fattening, are they?

Remember, readers, that I am not even what Mrs. Bridges would have called “a good plain cook,” and I need things to be simple in the kitchen. One of the simplest recipes in this weekend’s cookbook turned out to be boiled salmon with egg sauce. And as luck would have it, it was a recipe from the Franklin D. Roosevelt administration, which made it an opportunity to remember the White House Housekeeper We Love to Hate, Henrietta Nesbitt. Mrs. Nesbitt was famous for her bad food and bad housekeeping, for getting fired by Bess Truman, and for her self-justifying memoir White House Diary.

Oh dear. Parsley can only cover so many sins. At least it’s very easy to sauté a zucchini!

But let’s face it, boiling a piece of salmon in water with a bit of vinegar and salt couldn’t be easier. The egg sauce turned out to be a basic white sauce (flour, a bit of butter, milk, salt and pepper) but with a couple hard-boiled eggs mashed into it. The sauce could have been a bit thicker - you really do have to stir it constantly - and I should have actually mashed the eggs rather than put them through the egg slicer twice. But you could say that the result looked worthy of Mrs. Nesbitt. At least it was tasty.

Still haven’t found the doilies for the dessert plates.

The jewel of the menu, though, was the 19th-century wine jelly recipe from the Zachary Taylor administration. Basically an antique Jello shot, it involves unflavored gelatin, sugar, lemon juice and zest, a pint of sherry, a bit of brandy, and food coloring. I’d made this before years ago and learned the hard way that the jelly must be strained before pouring into molds to keep it from looking cloudy; this was not in the recipe. I’ve also learned through experience that a) brandy does not agree with me, and b) more than one serving of this jelly isn’t a good idea. For portion control I poured it into my grandmother’s hobnail coupes. Instead of brandy, this time I added triple sec from a dusty bottle at the back of the bar from a party in 2004. With strawberries and a bit of homemade whipped cream tinged with vanilla, it made a showy and delicate dessert.

For the table, in a gesture of economy, I was able to augment last Saturday’s flowers (which survived the week reasonably well) with a layer of lilac from my garden. That was also the closest thing I had to a blue flower.

It will be beautiful, once the quarantine is lifted and it’s safe to cook and serve food to other people in one’s own home again, to do this for more than one person! But as Mother used to say, “This is an opportunity to practice patience.” As frustrating and demoralizing as the pandemic has been, and as tempting as the weather is now to relax, we must be patient as the world’s scientists find a way out of this crisis for all of us.

During the cocktail hour in the parlor.

Eliza Doolittle Day, Vol. 19, Issue 25

This morning Etiquetteer realized it was May 20 and almost instantly felt a song coming on:

“Next week on the 20th of May,

I proclaim ‘Liza Doolittle Day!

All of England shall celebrate the glory of you,

And whatever you wish and want I gladly will do.”

Because if the internet can give us holidays like Pi Day (March 14, or 3.14) and Star Wars Day (May the Fourth), who’s to prevent us celebrating one from the World of Musical Theatre?

And why might this be important to Etiquetteer? Although Eliza Doolittle’s mission was to get ahead through better speech, along the way she also discovered Perfect Propriety. That was something Henry Higgins couldn’t have taught her. Just look at him, showing up at Ascot in tweeds! He probably had to tell the gatekeepers “You must let me in! I’m part of the plot!”

(We really miss what a behavioral scofflaw Professor Higgins is in My Fair Lady. In George Bernard Shaw’s original Pygmalion it’s quite clear that Higgins cares for no one but himself. Mrs. Pearce gives it back to him though, which you should see at the 25:06 mark in the full-length film below. He has no table manners and no consideration for others.)

What’s the Perfect Propriety Eliza picked up on her journey? Not just proper speech, but Perfectly Proper subject matter. We all know the impression she made when describing her aunt’s sickbed. Her even more startling advocacy of alcoholism in marriage (which didn’t make it from the play to the musical) underlines even more how little she knew about Polite Society - even more powerfully than her yelling at the horses in the musical.

Eliza also learned dancing and, even more important, deportment. When we think of the latter at all now, we tend to think of posture. The simple act of Standing Up Straight and Not Slouching makes a powerful improvement not only in how we are perceived, but in how we perceive ourselves. But the idea of deportment encompasses also how we conduct ourselves, as the dictionary says “to cause (oneself) to act or behave in a particular and especially in a controlled manner.” For Etiquetteer, Eliza’s final examination is less attending the embassy ball than it is serving tea to Professor Higgins the next afternoon. The former would be nerve-wracking enough, but in the latter she has to set out contentious new terms of interaction with her mentor while also administering the tea table. Throughout she manages with complete self-possession, complete Perfect Propriety.*

So, how shall we celebrate? Viewings of Pygmalion with Leslie Howard and Wendy Hiller (see above) and My Fair Lady with Audrey Hepburn and Rex Harrison are certainly in order. We might also sit up straight at a proper afternoon tea table tea and enjoy tea and cakes while talking about “the weather and everybody’s health.” Fans of George Bernard Shaw may enjoy a vegetarian dinner. And at any time we might lift a glass of champagne and toast Shaw, Howard, Hiller, Harrison, Hepburn, Julie Andrews (of course!), and Lerner and Loewe for having given us this delightful story of transformation.

*Etiquetteer remembers a startling anecdote from the book Inventing Champagne about a performance of My Fair Lady when Rex Harrison broke wind on stage - unobtrusively, he thought. As soon as he came to the line “My manners are just as good as Colonel Pickering’s!” the audience burst out laughing; this line usually didn’t prompt any reaction at all. Julie Andrews simply continued with the scene, but Etiquetteer has always imagined that, if she had turned slowly to the audience with a deadpan stare, that the laughter could have continued another five minutes. But while that might have been good improvisational comedy, it would not have been Perfectly Proper.

Eighth Dress Dinner Challenge Recap, May 16, 2020

Tonight I celebrated the 65th wedding anniversary of my late parents, which was May 14, so the dinner included a few of what the late Ignatius J. Reilly would call “deft and tasteful suggestions” of a wedding dinner.

The four-course menu:

Moet & Chandon Nectar Impérial

Moulins à saumon Biscuits au cheddar sophistiqués

Soupe haricots noirs*

Salade vert

Poulet aux Clement

Pois continental Pommes de terre Duchesse perdu

Gâteau de mariage d'épicerie

First, may the gods heap many blessings on the head of the person who brought that exquisite bottle of champagne to my home before the quarantine. It has achieved the unthinkable; it has supplanted Veuve Clicquot Demi-Sec in my affections. Because there is no such thing as leftover champagne, and because my capacity is not infinite, this served me exclusively for the cocktail hour and dinner. On the soundtrack: Perry Como’s “Prisoner of Love,” which my father sung to my mother when they were dating, and Spade Cooley’s “Detour,” which he used to sing to us when we were growing up.

For the cocktail hour I had very much hoped to serve “Hubcap shrimp with roadkill sauce” to remember an incident from my parents’ honeymoon. Having been instructed in no uncertain terms not to damage the getaway car paint job (my grandfather’s best car), the best man (my younger uncle) filled the hubcaps with bad shrimp for that extra-special aroma. Alas, no shrimp were on hand at the market, so I had to console myself with some very traditional salmon pinwheels. The “well-bred” cheese biscuits were from a Victorian recipe pamphlet I bought in Newport almost 30 years ago and involve chutney, cayenne pepper, and staggering amounts of butter. Nice to have a hot hors d’oeuvres for a change.

Standard Banquet Dinner has always been chicken with cream sauce, green beans amandine, and mashed potatoes. Isn’t that right? It’s such an obviously unimaginative menu that everyone knows to stay away from it - or should. But using that basic formula, I omitted the cream sauce, switched one vegetable for another, and planned something showier for the starch, and should have had a complete meal. Should have.

Black bean soup garnished with parsley. I omitted the recipe’s garnish of chopped egg whites as being too much trouble just for myself.

In fact butter and sherry figured several times in the menu. The black bean soup included sherry in its ingredients. It would have been more Perfectly Proper, for a formal dinner, to serve a clear soup, but this thick soup recipe was easy (an important criterion for me) and perhaps a distant cousin of one of my mother’s soup recipes. And the Peas Continental is one of my favorite recipes of my mother’s from childhood (though she made it without sherry, of course). What makes it special is the nutmeg and marjoram, anyway, not the sherry. Butter showed up in everything, so I will clearly be eating celery and regret for the rest of the week. From The Pirate’s Pantry Cookbook, a gift from Mother years ago, Clement’s Chicken is only a breaded chicken breast seasoned with lemon juice and flung into a hot oven, like Crystal Allen’s lamb chops.

Potatoes are not a starch I cook at home, so I was interested to try something that’s an old standard for everyone else, Duchesse potatoes. And wouldn’t you know it, as I was straining the peas and preparing to dish up, I suddenly said to myself, “Hey! You forgot to make the potatoes!” There was a story - I think it’s from one of Judith Martin’s wonderful Miss Manners books - about a hostess who was so fixated on preparing the first course that she forgot to make the rest of the dinner. The most Perfectly Proper solution, whether dining alone or with guests, is to laugh loud and long, take another swig of champagne, and press on. (With guests, that also means making vast quantities of scrambled eggs as a substitute.) So I left a space on my plate in memory of the potatoes and may attempt them next weekend.

I left a memorial space on my plate for the potatoes perdu.

No wedding banquet can conclude without a wedding cake, and thank goodness most wedding cakes come from bakeries, because I found a Perfectly Proper and Simple White Cake at the market that kept me from forgetting to bake a cake as well as to make the potatoes.

A footed but stemless sherry glass. Notice also the dish of Jordan almonds in the background, since they are often given to guests at weddings.

I did have a thimbleful of sherry with the soup course, when it was usual to offer sherry. Aren’t those sherry glasses interesting? Footed, but with no stem, unlike the other glasses in the pattern. Most curious. Someone will probably write in and tell me they’re really just liqueur glasses or something, but then I have used them for liqueurs.

Champagne makes my hair grow larger.

For the table, a pale green tablecloth with matching napkins that had been my mother’s, and that we used many times for family celebrations in childhood, complemented with red and white flowers and red candles (I had forgotten to look for new white tapers). The traditional Thursday-Friday voting on a bow tie yielded a narrow lead for this Tiffany red pattern, but I will confess to have been hoping for the stripes to win. Frequent followers will now see why most of the choices were red!

And so a second month of Dress Dinner Challenge comes to an end. Perhaps the quarantine will be ending soon, too? Whether it does or not, I want you to behave prudently and patiently. There is still so much that we don’t know about the coronavirus, it would not be Perfectly Proper to yourself - or to others! - to go running amok at the first opportunity.

*Actual French speakers: is this really soup, or is it properly potage in French?

Straw Hat Day 2020

May 15 is now the generally accepted day to retire our felt hats for the season and take out our panamas and straw boaters. This morning a reader texted “There’s rain the forecast. Should I risk ruining my panama, or keep wearing my fedora?” Etiquetteer’s initial answer was “Just go back to bed!” But a Facebook reader quite rightly observed that one brings an umbrella to protect one’s straw hat from inclement weather.

Pandemic and Post-Pandemic Politeness, Vol. 19, Issue 24

Today’s column includes queries and comments from Etiquetteer’s recent survey about post-pandemic Perfect Propriety.

Dear Etiquetteer:

As a social dancer (lindy hop and other swing styles) I had been used to the old rules (first and last dance reserved for the one you arrived with, anyone can ask anyone to dance and anyone can refuse without explanation or excuse.) I wonder where this will settle in the post pandemic period. 

Dear Dancing:

Indeed, one wonders when social dancing of any kind will be permitted or safe again, much less how previous rules of behavior will survive. Your query reminded Etiquetteer of the Duchess of Devonshire’s memories of her debutante season from Wait for Me! She recalled that the rule then was for the gentlemen seated on either side at dinner to dance the first and second dances with the girl at the ball following, but more often than not they simply ran off after someone prettier.

Etiquetteer predicts that the biggest change to any dance floor after the pandemic will be the wearing of masks to cover the nose and mouth - and perhaps an increase of regrets from those unwilling to dance with those who don’t wear them.

Dear Etiquetteer:

Should we avoid judgment of people in how much they decide to be "safe" in these times? Some people don't allow anyone in their homes. Some people do. Some people wipe down every piece of mail and groceries that comes into the house with a bleach cloth. Some do not. This reminds me of the AIDS crisis and the decision of how safe to be. It can be quite controversial.

Dear Not Judging:

Indeed, it can be controversial, especially among those sharing a household who have different levels of comfort. Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother (may she rest in peace) was fond of quoting Matthew 7:1: “Judge not lest ye be judged.” This tends to be Perfectly Proper advice in any situation. That said, if you are interacting with someone whose decisions are less stringent than your own, you need to be courteous in excusing yourself. This may result in them judging you, which will reflect more on them in the long run.

Etiquetteer can see this playing out daily in the latest etiquette battleground, the supermarket line.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I’m healthy and, thankfully, have had no Covid19 symptoms or illness. A friend of mine who is also healthy wanted to take a car ride together along a beautiful part of where I live but her daughter and boyfriend talked her out of it. Shamed her out of it I’m afraid. She texted me to cancel our get together less than thirty minutes before we were to meet to go. I was disappointed but I understood. It’s just very sad that two healthy people can’t sit together in a car for a car ride on a beautiful day.

Dear Driving:

Etiquetteer shares your sadness, but feels compelled to agree with your friend’s young relations. It is better to be prudent right now until we get more guidance based on scientific fact. A car is an enclosed space with recirculated air (assuming that you do not have the windows down so you can hear each other), so the concern of these young relations is easy to understand.

We are all having to get creative about how we spend time with those we love, not only by adopting video technology, but even assembling in person. If you have a yard or garden large enough, could you not invite your friend over for a socially distant garden party for two or kaffeeklatsch? Your friend might have to bring her own folding chair and refreshments, but it would still be an opportunity to be together.

Etiquetteer commends you for your understanding and patience with this last-minute cancellation.

Dear Etiquetteer:

Will clothing become more informal, like we already do in the Ann Arbor area.

Dear Ann Arborite:

Mercy, could clothing become less informal?! The only way that might happen is if we become a clothing-optional society, and that seems more than unlikely. You can’t iron a birthday suit . . . and alterations are so expensive!

As we know, it’s a greater sin to overdress than underdress. Office workers participating in video calls look most Perfectly Proper if they are wearing clean clothes, but not at the suit and tie level*. William Hanson’s excellent video on videoconferencing etiquette sets for the rules well. Really, even Etiquetteer is not running around the house in a suit and tie!**

There’s an awful lot of joking about dressing for the video screen and wearing pajamas or nothing at all out of view, but Etiquetteer isn’t a fan of this approach. You may not be fully dressed for a work video call, but you should at least be fully clothed.

Once the quarantine ends, Etiquetteer does not suspect that people will leave their homes wearing suits on top and no pants below.

Dear Etiquetteer:

Will it be frowned upon to continue using cash to pay?

Dear Cashing In:

Etiquetteer thinks more people will continue to prefer non-cash payments after this initial lockdown ends - if it ever does - but cash will still need to be accommodated. Many businesses are discouraging the use of cash to reduce the risk to their employees to disease transmission, and that is good. There’s still a sizable portion of the population who don’t have credit cards, though, for whom cash and checks are the only way to pay. They should not be shut out of the retail economy because of this.

Dear Etiquetteer:

Don't you think that once we have a vaccine all will go back to where it was six months ago?

Dear Speculating:

Your query reinforces for Etiquetteer how desperately all of us want some sort of reassurance that this coronavirus crisis will end. Everyone just wants to get back to “normal” as they remember it! Frankly, Etiquetteer thinks “normal” is going to change, but is not quite sure how. The coronavirus pandemic quarantine lockdown will have a lasting impact that will change how we interact. In the meantime, we must be patient and be guided by Science to judge when the risk of sickness has passed. Dear Mother used to say “This is an opportunity to practice Patience.” We’ve never had a greater opportunity than this one.

It is likely that some people will be more anxious about extending or accepting invitations based on the number of people in a confined space. That also includes how we interact in large public spaces like theatres, stadiums, and houses of worship. The travel industry will change irrevocably - who knows, for instance, whether any of the cruise lines will even survive? - and Etiquetteer predicts a decline in casual, spontaneous air travel. Weddings may see fewer guests who would have to travel from further away.

Some people will continue to wear face masks in public and we need to accept that without teasing or mockery. And even though many of us are feeling starved for a hug right now, Etiquetteer thinks that more and more people will refuse to shake hands after social distancing ends. (On the plus side, Etiquetteer would love to see a revival of the wearing of gloves.)

Restaurant dining will also see unpredictable changes. Restaurateurs will have to consider how much distance they can put between tables and still make a profit (which is not easy in “normal” circumstances anyway). Should diners be obligated to pay for a dinner if, when they arrive at a restaurant, they decide that the tables are too close for comfort and leave? Etiquetteer would say they should. Tipping, especially of food service workers and (when allowed) delivery people, should continue and increase, to acknowledge their greater risk of infection.

These are only a few aspects, and of course Etiquetteer is eager to know what you think, hope, and fear for the future. Please drop a line with your own thoughts for a future column.

*Of course the most prominent exception to this is if you are testifying before Congress, or a member of Congress yourself.

**Except, of course, on Saturday night for Dress Dinner Challenge!

Seventh Dress Dinner Challenge Recap, May 9, 2020

Almost two months into Dress Dinner Challenge, this Saturday’s menu took a scandalous - and ultimately unsuccessful - foray into The Myra Breckinridge Cookbook. The menu:

Cocktail “Golden Boy” sans sucre

Guacamole dans des tasses de maïs Saucisson et Brie

Salade d'épinards et de chou frisé

Poitrine de poulet “Gay Divorcée”

Riz brun Petit pois

Bleuets nature

The Golden Boy cocktail* turned out to be a successful, intriguing combination of flavors. Here’s the recipe:

• Dissolve one sugar cube in one teaspoon of water (I omitted this.)

• Add one dash Angostura bitters, one dash orange bitters, five dashes Pernod (I substituted absinthe), and one jigger of bourbon.

• Stir and serve in an old-fashioned glass with one ice cube.

After all these weeks of celeri coupé and cheese and crackers the hors d’oeuvres needed a shakeup as well as portion control**. A perfectly ripened avocado with the juice of one lime and a bit of salt and pepper made passable guacamole to be spooned into scoop-shaped corn chips for an Aura of Fanciness Without All That Labor. Add to that half a dozen thin slices of saucisson with Brie on a toast round or something and you can just hear Doris Upson saying “These others are just jack cheese and chutney.”

“Gay Divorcée” Chicken is really chicken breasts marinated in sherry, wrapped in ham, and cooked with cream and mushrooms. With all that cream, and with saucisson on the hors d’oeuvre plate, the rest of the menu needed to be very low fat. There’s nothing more virtuous than kale - just ask anyone who loves it. Its virtue was reduced by adding more palatable spinach. Brown rice, my staple starch, and unadorned peas filled out the plate, and a very simple dish of blueberries finished off the meal.

But that chicken . . . really, the creators of the The Myra Breckinridge Cookbook must not have tested any of those recipes. Instead of “one hour at 350 degrees” it should have been “half an hour at 350 degrees” or “one hour at 300 degrees.” It came out practically in splinters. But the etiquette of new recipes demands that the failures be eaten cheerfully, and I did. The leftovers can be minced into chicken salad for the rest of the week. Mayonnaise hides a multitude of sins.

For the table, a color scheme that even Dorothy Draper, known for her bold combinations, might have found garish. On top of a dark green tablecloth, last week’s orange roses were lit by red candles (because that’s what I had) in Fiestaware ball-shaped candlesticks in the original, radioactive uranium oxide orange.

Next week, something more traditionally elegant!

*This from the “W.C. Fields Memorial” section of the cookbook.

**More cheese in this quarantine and Etiquetteer will turn into Etiquettone.