Rarely has Etiquetteer seen such a swift response to a column as to last Wednesday’s reflections on the college professor who tried to force a Vietnamese-American student to Anglicize her name. Thanks to all who chose to share their own thoughts, some of which are below, and some of which are on the original column on Etiquetteer’s Facebook page.
Dear Etiquetteer:
I am a high school teacher in a diverse urban district. I have had students named Phoc, Ghay, and Merry Christmas. I felt awkward the first few times I addressed each of them by name, but I considered that to be my problem to solve, not theirs. Eventually, I did get over my awkwardness. A related behavior that I find offensive is when people feel compelled to make jokes about other people’s names. When someone does this to one of my students, I quietly tell the student, “I‘ll bet you hear that all the time, and each person thinks he is the first one to think of it.”
Dear Educator:
Unoriginality is one of the banes of humor. Etiquetteer feels sure that your students felt as weary as James Cagney in later life when yet another waggish restaurant diner sent over a grapefruit to his table, as a joke after his memorable 1931 performance in Public Enemy. Tedious indeed!
Some names do, alas, lend themselves unavoidably to humor. Ima Hogg, the “First Lady of Texas,” is one of the most memorable of many examples. A beloved elderly cousin of Etiquetteer’s used to recall fondly that she went to school with children named Dee Klein and Boyle Weiner! It does make one wonder just what their parents were thinking . . .
Dear Etiquetteer:
I so much prefer the name Michael to Mike. It happens a lot in food service places. An example: only yesterday I ordered a sandwich which was to be brought to me. Of course they brought it to “Mike.”
Dear Michael:
Having spent decades being called “Bob” - mostly by Elderly Heterosexual Men of the Bluff, Hearty Type - instead of “Robert,” Etiquetteer can only offer you compassion. A former colleague named Patricia demonstrated the most Perfectly Proper response; when addressed as “Pat,” she simply replied “I prefer Patricia.” When even that did not work on the Bluff, Hearty Types, Etiquetteer had to resort to “Actually, I prefer Sir.”
Dear Etiquetteer:
Teaching in public schools, I was usually addressed as Mr. [Insert Surname Here], although in one backwoods high school where I was the sole math teacher, some of my slower students often called out "Hey Teach?" In New England private schools, I preferred "Mr. [Insert Last Name Here]" but by tradition in one school it was the generic "Sir?" Sometimes as I approached a gaggle of students I would hear "Shhh! Here comes Sir!" That I much disliked but ignored.
I never taught at [Insert Name of Posh Suburban School Here], but there the male teachers were addressed as Master and Surname. A teacher there, Mr. Bates was nevertheless addressed as Master Bates. This is not a rumor, as all the boys from one of my 6th grade classes came from that school and told me. Private school students who have kept in touch with me over the decades later shifted to calling me by my first name. I liked this, especially in my elder years.
Dear Teacher:
Indeed, the shifting of a student/teacher relationship to that of friends of equal standing is one of the most rewarding aspects of teaching.
Dear Etiquetteer:
I'm wondering why the idiot teacher didn't just opt to refer to the student as "Miss Last Name." Problem solved!
Dear Direct:
Ah, the price of Casualness! We couldn’t possibly appear so remote and formal, could we?! That might mean we can’t foster a connection with others! Sarcasm aside, of course Etiquetteer agrees with you, but the days of returning to that form of address feel long gone.
From Darling:
I confess, I often call people "darling" when I have forgotten their names (which, alas seems to happen more frequently as I age). Even when I know someone's name, I call them darling. Darling . . . such a fabulous word!
Darling!
It is fabulous, isn’t it? And also quite sweet sometimes. Through the Tallulah Bankhead Haze of Dahlings, Etiquetteer also still hears the cheerful voice of his Genteel Southern Grandmother, who always pronounced it “Dallin.” “Hello, dallin!” she’d say with a friendly smile when someone came into the room. It’s a favorite memory - and a sign of What Ages Well. Kindness and Cheerfulness always do.