“There is no minor . . . mistake when it’s a question of your name.” — Clare Boothe Luce
Etiquetteer found himself absorbed in this story from yesterday’s news, about a community college professtor who asked a Vietnamese-American student to change her name because it sounded offensive in English. Her first name is Phuc.
When cultures commingle, frictions erupt, very much as earthquakes are caused by the pressure of tectonic plates. Etiquetteer has never forgotten the story* of the English or American missionary in Tonga starting a youth choir. Observing repeated embarrassment when trying to lead these young Tongans in the scale - do re me fa so la ti do - he finally asked what the trouble was. “You swear three times in Tongan!” one of the boys blurted out. Alternate syllables were found for the Tongan profanities. Problem solved.
But one’s name is one’s identity, not open to negotiation. This is a change - a notable change - from previous practice. During the Great European Migration of the 19th century many immigrants were given Anglicized names**. To this day many Asian or Asian-American people have adopted English names as a matter of convenience. In fact, a student in this class with the same name already had an Anglicized name. But that was the student’s choice, not a requirement.
Profanity has become so omnipresent that it seems almost quaint that the professor should express any squeamishness about appearing to say a Dirty Word. It is Most Unfortunate that he persisted in asking this Young Lady to choose a different name — “I understand you are offended, but you need to understand your name is an offensive sound in my language.” — but it is for him to manage the squeamishness, not for the student to accommodate it by suppressing her identity. Etiquetteer is very much hoping for a calm solution now that the professor has expressed public contrition.
On a sort-of related note, it’s worth observing that over the last 50 years it’s become impolite to address service personnel by their jobs***. When was the last time you heard someone call out “Waitress!” or “Porter!” or “Conductor!” for instance?**** These days it’s more Perfectly Proper to say “Excuse me, sir” or “miss” or “ma’am.” While Etiquetteer came along too late to enjoy the Great Age of Rail Travel, one of its most shameful aspects was the practice of calling all Pullman porters “George,” whether it was their real name or not. Socially, Etiquetteer has always favored the Tallulah Bankhead Approach - just call everyone “Dahling!” - for a forgotten name, but it somehow seems disrespectful when interacting with service personnel. (Not that Tallulah ever bothered about that!) Etiquetteer will be interested in your personal experience for a future column. Please drop a line if so inclined.
*Only where the story came from. Was it National Geographic? If you know, please let Etiquetteer in on the secret.
**The best example Etiquetteer can think of is the brother and sister team of David Wallechinsky and Amy Wallace, authors of The Book of Lists. When David discovered that their original American ancestor, from Russia, had been given the name Wallace on arrival, he adopted the original family name for his own.
***The prominent exceptions, of course, are Medicine and Ministry, both service professions. Doctors are still called “Doctor” and nurses “Nurse,” and religious staff by appropriate titles: “Rabbi,” “Reverend,” “Sister,” etc. When you know the person’s name, add it.
****You certainly can’t yell “Oh, butler,” can you. Maybe somebody’s name is Butler.