Today’s column includes queries and comments from Etiquetteer’s recent survey about post-pandemic Perfect Propriety.
Dear Etiquetteer:
As a social dancer (lindy hop and other swing styles) I had been used to the old rules (first and last dance reserved for the one you arrived with, anyone can ask anyone to dance and anyone can refuse without explanation or excuse.) I wonder where this will settle in the post pandemic period.
Dear Dancing:
Indeed, one wonders when social dancing of any kind will be permitted or safe again, much less how previous rules of behavior will survive. Your query reminded Etiquetteer of the Duchess of Devonshire’s memories of her debutante season from Wait for Me! She recalled that the rule then was for the gentlemen seated on either side at dinner to dance the first and second dances with the girl at the ball following, but more often than not they simply ran off after someone prettier.
Etiquetteer predicts that the biggest change to any dance floor after the pandemic will be the wearing of masks to cover the nose and mouth - and perhaps an increase of regrets from those unwilling to dance with those who don’t wear them.
Dear Etiquetteer:
Should we avoid judgment of people in how much they decide to be "safe" in these times? Some people don't allow anyone in their homes. Some people do. Some people wipe down every piece of mail and groceries that comes into the house with a bleach cloth. Some do not. This reminds me of the AIDS crisis and the decision of how safe to be. It can be quite controversial.
Dear Not Judging:
Indeed, it can be controversial, especially among those sharing a household who have different levels of comfort. Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother (may she rest in peace) was fond of quoting Matthew 7:1: “Judge not lest ye be judged.” This tends to be Perfectly Proper advice in any situation. That said, if you are interacting with someone whose decisions are less stringent than your own, you need to be courteous in excusing yourself. This may result in them judging you, which will reflect more on them in the long run.
Etiquetteer can see this playing out daily in the latest etiquette battleground, the supermarket line.
Dear Etiquetteer:
I’m healthy and, thankfully, have had no Covid19 symptoms or illness. A friend of mine who is also healthy wanted to take a car ride together along a beautiful part of where I live but her daughter and boyfriend talked her out of it. Shamed her out of it I’m afraid. She texted me to cancel our get together less than thirty minutes before we were to meet to go. I was disappointed but I understood. It’s just very sad that two healthy people can’t sit together in a car for a car ride on a beautiful day.
Dear Driving:
Etiquetteer shares your sadness, but feels compelled to agree with your friend’s young relations. It is better to be prudent right now until we get more guidance based on scientific fact. A car is an enclosed space with recirculated air (assuming that you do not have the windows down so you can hear each other), so the concern of these young relations is easy to understand.
We are all having to get creative about how we spend time with those we love, not only by adopting video technology, but even assembling in person. If you have a yard or garden large enough, could you not invite your friend over for a socially distant garden party for two or kaffeeklatsch? Your friend might have to bring her own folding chair and refreshments, but it would still be an opportunity to be together.
Etiquetteer commends you for your understanding and patience with this last-minute cancellation.
Dear Etiquetteer:
Will clothing become more informal, like we already do in the Ann Arbor area.
Dear Ann Arborite:
Mercy, could clothing become less informal?! The only way that might happen is if we become a clothing-optional society, and that seems more than unlikely. You can’t iron a birthday suit . . . and alterations are so expensive!
As we know, it’s a greater sin to overdress than underdress. Office workers participating in video calls look most Perfectly Proper if they are wearing clean clothes, but not at the suit and tie level*. William Hanson’s excellent video on videoconferencing etiquette sets for the rules well. Really, even Etiquetteer is not running around the house in a suit and tie!**
There’s an awful lot of joking about dressing for the video screen and wearing pajamas or nothing at all out of view, but Etiquetteer isn’t a fan of this approach. You may not be fully dressed for a work video call, but you should at least be fully clothed.
Once the quarantine ends, Etiquetteer does not suspect that people will leave their homes wearing suits on top and no pants below.
Dear Etiquetteer:
Will it be frowned upon to continue using cash to pay?
Dear Cashing In:
Etiquetteer thinks more people will continue to prefer non-cash payments after this initial lockdown ends - if it ever does - but cash will still need to be accommodated. Many businesses are discouraging the use of cash to reduce the risk to their employees to disease transmission, and that is good. There’s still a sizable portion of the population who don’t have credit cards, though, for whom cash and checks are the only way to pay. They should not be shut out of the retail economy because of this.
Dear Etiquetteer:
Don't you think that once we have a vaccine all will go back to where it was six months ago?
Dear Speculating:
Your query reinforces for Etiquetteer how desperately all of us want some sort of reassurance that this coronavirus crisis will end. Everyone just wants to get back to “normal” as they remember it! Frankly, Etiquetteer thinks “normal” is going to change, but is not quite sure how. The coronavirus pandemic quarantine lockdown will have a lasting impact that will change how we interact. In the meantime, we must be patient and be guided by Science to judge when the risk of sickness has passed. Dear Mother used to say “This is an opportunity to practice Patience.” We’ve never had a greater opportunity than this one.
It is likely that some people will be more anxious about extending or accepting invitations based on the number of people in a confined space. That also includes how we interact in large public spaces like theatres, stadiums, and houses of worship. The travel industry will change irrevocably - who knows, for instance, whether any of the cruise lines will even survive? - and Etiquetteer predicts a decline in casual, spontaneous air travel. Weddings may see fewer guests who would have to travel from further away.
Some people will continue to wear face masks in public and we need to accept that without teasing or mockery. And even though many of us are feeling starved for a hug right now, Etiquetteer thinks that more and more people will refuse to shake hands after social distancing ends. (On the plus side, Etiquetteer would love to see a revival of the wearing of gloves.)
Restaurant dining will also see unpredictable changes. Restaurateurs will have to consider how much distance they can put between tables and still make a profit (which is not easy in “normal” circumstances anyway). Should diners be obligated to pay for a dinner if, when they arrive at a restaurant, they decide that the tables are too close for comfort and leave? Etiquetteer would say they should. Tipping, especially of food service workers and (when allowed) delivery people, should continue and increase, to acknowledge their greater risk of infection.
These are only a few aspects, and of course Etiquetteer is eager to know what you think, hope, and fear for the future. Please drop a line with your own thoughts for a future column.
*Of course the most prominent exception to this is if you are testifying before Congress, or a member of Congress yourself.
**Except, of course, on Saturday night for Dress Dinner Challenge!