“This,” Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother said many times, “is an opportunity to practice patience.” And you are definitely not the only person who has had many, many opportunities to practice patience this year. Deceit, treachery, protests at a level not seen in 50 years, and a global plague of Biblical proportion have tested our resolve, our endurance . . . and our manners. Not to mention that person who can’t figure out how to keep his or her nose covered with a mask in the supermarket line. What is a Perfectly Proper person to do?
The answer is an old one: hit the pause button. Step back a moment before responding. Take a breath (or two) through your mask. This doesn’t mean don’t respond at all, but don’t be so quick to leap into the fray, especially on the internet*. Abraham Lincoln’s practice of writing an angry letter and not sending it is still good, solid advice. Once you satisfy those angry urges by expressing them to yourself, you gain enough clarity to respond coolly, decisively, and effectively. Everything Etiquetteer has ever regretted saying was said hastily, in anger, without thoughtful consideration.
And sometimes, the best response is no response at all. Dear Mother was also fond of saying “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Etiquetteer was surprised to see a friend suggest that this was an excuse not to speak out against injustice. Not so! Civil protest is one of the most important facets of Freedom of Speech. It’s one thing to be forthright and another to be hurtful. You don’t have to share your true opinion of the baby’s appearance or that new outfit if you don’t like it.
Judith Martin said it best recently in a web presentation about her new book Minding Miss Manners in an Age of Fake Etiquette: "A pugnacious attitude is not a sign of virtue.” Acting like a bully doesn’t make you correct, just loud. Don’t we already have a Prominent National Example of this sort of behavior? And is that really the reputation you want for yourself? As Dear Mother used to say, “A word to the wise is sufficient.”
*And very especially on Twitter. Just avoid Twitter. It’s “a cockpit of angry emotion,” as Charles Laughton said in Advise and Consent.