Dear Etiquetteer:
I agree "we no longer have a need for terrapin forks or strawberry forks," but I do miss the silver “food pusher” my paternal grandparents armed me with whenever I visited them (from my highchair stage and onward) at their Victorian house in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. My maternal grandparents, instead, served peas separately in a saucer furnished with a spoon.
However, at home, I had a challenge when confronted with peas (or baby lima beans, etc) and had to chase them with a fork, or trap them between knife and fork. Mashed potatoes were fun to use as a solution: load a fork with a scoop of mash, invert, and slam down firmly upon the peas. (Is this potato procedure Perfectly Proper for an eight-year-old? For an 80-year-old?) Are "food pushers" available at mealtime at the Gibson House (post pandemic)?
Dear Pushing:
The old-fashioned food pusher you describe was most often used with special child-sized silver to help children learn good table manners when they still had tiny fingers. Once they could manage grownup-size silverware, they could also use a piece of bread or a knife to maneuver food onto their fork . . . just the way grownups do. Then the pusher would be returned to the silver chest - or passed on to another child in the family.
As it happens, the Gibson House doesn’t have a silver food pusher in its collection, but it does have quite a few interesting items, from asparagus tongs to finger bowls to the most adorable Limoges custard pots you ever saw. Etiquetteer will be Zooming live from the Gibson dining room next Tuesday, August 25, using the collection to illustrate Elements of the Victorian Dinner Table. Go to the GHM Events page for more information and to reserve a ticket.
You are certainly not the first person, as a child, to solve the Pea Problem with Mashed Potatoes (or even squash). As an adult diner, though, “slamming” anything at the table isn’t Perfectly Proper! Use discretion, and bon appétit.
The dining room table at the Gibson House, seen in reflection from the china cupboard.
Etiquetteer was chatting with a new reader via Instagram who suddenly asked “What do you think is the biggest faux pas people make as a dinner party host, and likewise as a dinner party guest?” For hosts, losing one’s cool when things go wrong comes to the top of the list, because it affects your guests’ enjoyment. When equipment malfunctions, when guests are late (and bringing something essential), or become injured (it happens!), when the soufflé falls, when the wine has gone off - it’s important to keep laughing. It’s not easy sometimes; Etiquetteer has looked with alarm at That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, who can boil over unexpectedly when, um, something boils over unexpectedly. It’s hackneyed advice now, but still the best: Keep Calm and Carry On.
For guests, treating the hosts as if they were restaurant staff ranks as the biggest mistake. When someone has invited you into their homes to extend hospitality, it is Not at All Perfectly Proper to start issuing orders for specific refreshments, extras, or (Heaven help us) sending something back to the kitchen. Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother put it most succinctly: “Take what you get, and like it!” And if you didn’t, just fix yourself a heavy midnight snack when you get home.
Etiquetteer suspects you’ll have your own opinions about bad behavior for hosts and guests. Please share for a future column here.