Dear Etiquetteer:
Inspired by your "Creepy or Complimentary" piece, I ask your help. My ex, with whom I maintain a close friendship, was quarantined with his roommate and his girlfriend for a few weeks. Several mornings while he was having breakfast the girlfriend came into the kitchen to use the adjacent bathroom for her shower. She'd come out wearing what my ex described as "a large washcloth." Essentially leaving nothing to the imagination. It got to the point where she came down in the morning to do laundry (washer-dryer combo in the kitchen) and removed her sleep-wear and tossed it in. She then put on a short robe, left on the couch the night before, but didn't bother to close it. She would ask my ex if he thought her work-outs were "making her look firm enough?" And ask advice for where she she should get a tattoo.
Where was the boyfriend? Passed out or too hung over to care. When he finally told her that she was making him uncomfortable, she turned the tables and said, "You shouldn't be noticing. If I didn't like you I'd tell my boyfriend you're a perv. Get the stick out of your ass." For my part I can't imagine strutting around like that. But he also insisted that he never felt she was trying to come on to him, just that she is a "free spirit."
In college in the dorm there were lots of guys who thought that letting the world know they were "going commando" or worse was their gift to women. Wrong! My ex and I are not prudes, but how are you supposed to deal with unwanted skin in your face?
Dear Concerned and Fully Clothed:
Hmm. Free spirit, exhibitionist, or bully? We’ll get back to that question. Your query immediately reminded Etiquetteer of the Establishment Figure* who said of the hippies 50 years ago “When they say ‘Do your own thing,’ they really mean ‘Do our own thing.’” And, to paraphrase the late William Shakespeare, “Pandemics acquaint a man with strange bedfellows.” Etiquetteer imagines that your ex would have flown the coop long ago were it not for the threat of Disease and Death hanging over us all.
Households have varying standards of what’s OK to wear (or not) around the house when there’s no company present. Whatever that is has to be based on the consent of the entire household. When there are disagreements, they need to be discussed, and a mutually agreeable solution found. It isn’t clear whether your ex moved into a household where casual nudity was already established, or whether his roommate’s girlfriend ended up staying for longer than expected, and began challenging the house custom.
She is not, unfortunately, just padding around the house, but deliberately soliciting your ex’s attention to her body by asking his opinions about her physical condition, etc. As much as your ex might want to pass that off as being a “free spirit,” Etiquetteer calls that exhibitionism. A truly free spirit is not tethered to someone’s gaze and commentary.
But the most disturbing part of all this is not the nudity, or even the need for attention, but the girlfriend’s threat. How dare this woman threaten to lie to her boyfriend about your ex’s behavior?! It proves that she is fully conscious of what she’s doing and the impact of her behavior on your ex. And to Etiquetteer, that makes her a bully.
The three of them need to sit down for a good old-fashioned House Meeting - while everyone is sober and conscious** - and decide together what is OK to wear around the house (or not). Your ex will need to be candid but calm about the impact his roommate’s girlfriend is having on his comfort and feelings of safety. And this should be followed up with a summary email to them both specifying what everyone agreed to. Etiquetteer is no lawyer, but this feels like a situation that could grow into one where a lawyer might be needed.
Etiquetteer hopes that your ex will soon be living with a better sort of person.
*Etiquetteer cannot discover who said this and is frantic to know. Please advise!
**Etiquetteer recommends serving coffee.