People get upset when their assumptions of what is Perfectly Proper get challenged. For instance, if someone says that paper napkins could even be remotely acceptable at table. Or if someone suggests that they are not. So Etiquetteer was very interested in what readers had to say about last week’s column on paper napkins. Cloth and paper each had their adherents, and Thanksgiving meals utilized “ancient starched white damask napkins, sometimes a bit holey” to “festive printed paper napkins” to half a paper towel. For most, paper seems to be everyday, but cloth napkins are reserved for special occasions.
Dear Etiquetteer:
I always use cloth napkins for special occasions: dinner parties, holidays, anniversaries. They are more durable, they coordinate with the tablecloth, and they signify “This is a special occasion” — made all the more so because I also use one of three sets of china I've inherited as well as silver [from four generations].
However, I do set out paper hand towels in the bathrooms because it gives guests the option to use a one-use only towel instead of using a multi-use cloth hand towel. Curiously, almost no one knows what these paper hand towels are. Sometimes I even carefully crumple up one of the paper hand towels and put in the trash *before* guests arrive so as to, shall we say, *instruct* guests as to their purpose. ‘Tis all for naught. Even during COVID. I just don't get it.
Etiquetteer responds: So many hosts have to rumple a cloth hand towel on the towel rack, too, to help guests feel that it’s Perfectly Proper to use one instead of just furtively looking for a bath towel on a rack. It seems no one wants to be responsible for making a towel look used!
Dear Etiquetteer:
We used cloth napkins for Thanksgiving, however they come out of the washer/dryer without needing ironing and are used only once. Ninety-nine percent of our meals are with paper napkins, or heaven forbid, paper towels.
Dear Etiquetteer:
My wife and I placed a linen napkin at each place setting on Thanksgiving (only two settings, it being the pandemic), but merely as a decoration. We also placed a paper napkin (the large, soft, embossed type of generous size) close to the silverware at each setting for use. It seemed a prudent way to avoid cranberry or gravy stains on the linen or lap.
I must add that a large, heavy linen napkin has always felt more protective and secure in the lap than does paper. I used linen as a lad, when it was my job to set the table and to give each family member their own napkin held in its own differentiated napkin ring. I hid my stains into the inner layers of my rolled linen napkin inserted in its ring.
Why can't adult bibs (functional and attractive) be declared Perfectly Proper? Certainly, commuting in the A.M. by car with a Starbucks Venti, a bib would save many a tie.
Etiquetteer responds: Ahhhh, but those linen napkins are there to be stained! Don’t deprive them of their Special Purpose. Etiquetteer has to agree that one’s lap does feel more protected with a large cloth napkin over it. As to bibs for adults, Etiquetteer cannot agree with you that they are attractive, although essential for Foods of Combat like lobster. If you find yourself needing a bib, whether at table or behind the wheel, that might be a sign to Slow Down.
Dear Etiquetteer:
We used hand-embroidered cutwork placemats and napkins, purchased in Hong Kong in the early 1980s. They’ve been soaked, pre-treated, washed, and are now rolled up in the fridge, awaiting ironing. A lot of work, but my table looked perfect. Once or twice a year, it’s definitely worth the effort. Ordinarily it’s paper!
Dear Etiquetteer:
We used cloth napkins, china, silver and crystal. I recall a comment in a column by Miss Manners many years ago saying (I’m paraphrasing) that of course there are many ways one could make the process of eating more efficient, but then the enjoyment that comes with following the rules and norms of etiquette would be lost. Etiquette is about getting to do things in a special way, not about having to.
Etiquetteer responds: And really, Etiquetteer could not agree more!
Dear Etiquetteer:
We used cloth napkins. I never use paper plates, as I believe diminishes the meal being served. One year for Thanksgiving I had 20 people for a sit down dinner. I purchased dinner plates at a thrift store, etc. and at the end of dinner tossed the plates into the trash.
Etiquetteer responds: Dorothy Draper often recommended dime-store china in her delightful book Entertaining Is Fun! to carry out a color scheme or inject a bit of novelty. She never suggested disposing of it after one use, though.
Dear Etiquetteer:
Half-sheets of paper towel. It is Perfectly Proper to reduce the workload of the cleanup crew so more time can be spent telling stories and playing games.
Etiquetteer responds: Well, as Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother would have said, “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.” A few readers responded that their Thanksgiving was Paper All the Way, generally with the excuse that it reduced cleanup. Focusing on family time (especially in households with young children) is absolutely Perfectly Proper. But that need not be at the expense of using the Good Stuff. Holiday meals with china, silver, etc. are such an important opportunity for young children to learn good table manners (in part by witnessing adults exhibit them), and tables set with the Good Stuff are so much more beautiful to look at.
The workload can always be reduced by increasing the size of the cleanup crew to 100% of attendees. Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother also would have said “Many hands make light work!” Etiquetteer doesn’t see how a paper towel reduces the cleanup any more than a paper napkin would. It’s time to upgrade.
Dear Etiquetteer:
I once had a bizarre paper napkin incident. I found some beautiful rich deep red napkins that were very striking on the dinner table. Unfortunately, the dye on the napkins came off with use and everyone's face and hands were dyed red--and who knows what dye they used in the factory they came from. Having said this, I love the variety of colors and patterns available on paper napkins, though I usually use plain white napkins when by myself.
Etiquetteer responds: Now there’s an etiquette dilemma! What do you do if your napkin suddenly stains your skin? This is the sort of thing you hope everyone can laugh about later . . .
Dear Etiquetteer:
The height of civilization is ironed cloth napkins. I use them in Paris, especially when I have lunch in the park, though for everyday use, it’s high quality paper napkins.
Dear Etiquetteer:
I love those huge, smooth damask napkins that are wonderfully embroidered with a monogram. I have a big stack of them, all quite different, that are fun to use on occasion. But, I also love all of the delightful designs one can find in paper napkins. You can find something to add charm to almost any table. In the end, I generally opt for paper, both for convenience and a touch of whimsy!
Etiquetteer responds: You could not have summed up more beautifully the advantages of both cloth and paper. Thank you!