Open House Etiquette, Vol. 21, Issue 29

Dear Etiquetteer:

What does “open house” on an invitation mean to you? Isn’t it ridiculous to say “Open House from 10 AM to 2 PM?”

Dear Invited:

To Etiquetteer, an open house means a daytime party of two hours or longer (usually three or four) when the hosts wish their guests to arrive at any time that suits them, and stay as long or as little as they want. These are great for when you want to see a lot of people, but not all at the same time. It’s not ridiculous to have a four-hour party, but you might feel ridiculous if you stayed all four hours — in which case you might get pressed into helping out here and there.

An open house could not be described as a formal function; that would be a reception. Casual clothes and hearty food are in order, even if the hours don’t coincide with mealtime (e.g. 2-6 PM). Indeed open houses sometimes evolve into potlucks. Disposable party goods are often chosen — Etiquetteer thinks particularly of those red Solo plastic cups — but there’s nothing wrong with using your everyday plates and glasses, etc.

People think of formal entertaining as hard work — and it can be — but so is more casual entertaining like this over an extended period. Someone needs to be stationed near the door to welcome arriving guests throughout; it is so helpful, even when you’ve been there before, to be greeted by the host in a room full of people you may not know and feel reassured that yes, this was the right day and I am expected. At the same time, someone needs to be monitoring the refreshments and the bar so that everything gets replenished when needed. And someone needs to be gathering abandoned plates, cups, and napkins wherever they might have been left to keep things looking tidy. This includes emptying ashtrays. Guests lay up for themselves treasures in Heaven when they help clear without asking.

Open houses can be great fun because of who shows up: mutual friends, shared colleagues, total strangers with good stories or shared interests, neighbors with spinach artichoke dip. And generally, because it’s an “open” house, guests might be allowed to bring a guest or two of their own. But check first with your hosts, who will need to lay in supplies for the number they expect. It’s Not Perfectly Proper to show up with your daughter’s graduating class or the two dozen members of your book club. If you are a family with children and you invite other families with children, plan activities in advance for them that will confine Irrepressible Child Energy away from breakables and heirlooms. Lawn games are great for this.

Now just because it’s an open house doesn’t mean it all has to be open. Etiquetteer advises having all the bathrooms available, of course, but those with pets who are, um, Not Good with Guests might need to sequester them in a remote bedroom. Another bedroom might need to be designated for young children (and/or their parents) who need a timeout. Please do not, as Etiquetteer has heard, fill up your medicine cabinet with marbles or something as a practical joke. The guest who opens that cabinet might just need an aspirin and not actually care about your Cosmetic Choices.

Etiquetteer hopes you have a lovely time at the party, however long or short a time you choose to stay. Don’t forget to send that Lovely Note of Thanks when you get home!

Random Issues, Vol. 21, Issue 28

Dear Etiquetteer:

Your response to the 89-year-old gentleman who was losing his ability to write was important to me. I now have a "familial tremor" common to men in my family. My handwriting is getting worse and I actually sometimes use the index finger of my left hand to still the shaking.

I have a slew of thank you notes to write after a death in my family. A relative came over and addressed some of the envelopes for me and in fact wrote the letters for a couple of people. But for most I do the letters myself, and it's a struggle.

Longer term I have thought that I would just type a note at the beginning that says something to the effect that my handwriting has become so bad that I can no longer do a handwritten note. I hope you will accept this as a weak but sincere alternative to a proper handwritten note.

Any suggestions on wording for that?

Dear Tremulous:

First, allow Etiquetteer to express condolences during this period of mourning for your family, which seems to be exacerbated by your tremor. You are fortunate that someone in your family is able and willing to assist you, a common, welcome, and entirely Perfectly Proper way to handle condolence responses. Such letters acknowledge that they are responding for you as well as for the family: “[Insert Your Name Here] and all the family were so touched by your letter,” etc.

But is it really necessary for you to apologize, or even acknowledge, that you’re typing and not handwriting your letters? Etiquetteer thinks not, and will call for backup from two figures rarely linked together: British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli, and legendary French chef Julia Child. It was the former who said “Never complain, never explain,” and the latter who cheerfully advised “No excuses, no explanations.” Handwriting your signature, and perhaps a postscript, are more than sufficient. Besides, Etiquetteer would like to think in this century that we are more compassionate to the bereaved than to judge them on how their thanks are sent. Etiquetteer wrote more about condolence correspondence here.

Etiquetteer wishes you solace in communicating with your friends and relations at this challenging time.

May 15 is National Nylon Stockings Day — another random internet holiday! — which is an opportunity to reflect on how fashions have changed. Once upon a time, a lady was not, perhaps, considered a lady if she left her home with bare legs*. This was considered so important during World War II, when nylon was rationed, that liquid leg makeup became a vogue, including drawing straight seams up the back of one’s legs. Nylon stockings have not quite gone the way of the dodo in this century, but more and more ladies have either moved to tights or leggings — or just go without stockings altogether. And you will not hear a peep out of Etiquetteer about it, because ladies have also made it abundantly clear that they simply are not going to let men tell them what they can and cannot wear.

May 15 is also Straw Hat Day, when the boaters and skimmers can come out and the fedoras and Homburgs go back in. You may read Etiquetteer’s history of Straw Hat Day here.

*Of course That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much irresistibly remembered Ginger Rogers and Gail Patrick fighting over a pair of silk stockings in Stage Door: “From now on your wear your own stockings or go bare-legged. The places you go it doesn’t make any difference anyway.”

Receptionists, Vol. 21, Issue 27

Etiquetteer has long said that janitors, headwaiters, secretaries*, and receptionists truly rule the world. Remaining in their good graces is more important as those of national leaders and captains of industry. This being National Receptionists Day, let’s reflect on the importance of their work, and the difference your treatment of the receptionist impacts that company’s perception of you.

When clients and customers interact with a business, they want to be treated as though they, and their business, are actually valued. So whether in person or on the phone, a receptionist’s initial quality needs to be patience, considering how difficult automated phone trees are, not to mention urban parking. Patience, sympathy, but always with a certain formality that projects both competence and Perfect Propriety. Etiquetteer promises you that this reassures clients.

Receptionists really do have to be prepared for anything, and to answer all possible questions. Think about what Mrs. Wilson identified as the perfect servant’s gift in Gosford Park: anticipation. And so it is with a first-rate receptionist, being able to gauge not just what a caller or client says they want, but why, and what their underlying need really is. This means being aware and informed of just who does what and why within the company, but also parking and driving directions, restrooms, coffee, nearby restaurants and other businesses, local events, etc. Truly a walking encyclopedia.

“The company will instruct its receptionists to dress conservatively, sit quietly and attentively, speak softly, address and refer to employees formally, stay off the telephone except on matters of business, abandon chewing gum,” says Esquire Etiquette of 1953. Considering how informal office life has become in the intervening decades, this seems almost amusing. Etiquetteer still remembers the (unverified) story of ladies being taught to type “sidesaddle” at the old Katharine Gibbs School because it was considered more attractive. Posture is, of course, important, but thank goodness we’ve moved beyond that!

After manners, a receptionist’s greatest asset is his or her speaking voice, especially in terms of diction. It doesn’t matter how helpful the information you’re providing is if no one can understand you! Speaking distinctly in a low tone, without sounding rushed, conveys not just information, but the perception of efficiency and concern.

Now what about you, Aggravated Self-Important Client? Etiquetteer doesn’t care how important you are or think you are**, being rude to the receptionist isn’t going to get you anywhere. When calling first thing in the morning, if the first words out of your mouth are “It’s 9:02 AM, and no one has picked up the phone!” and the office opens at 9 AM, you are likely to be put near the bottom of the list for assistance***. Automated phone trees are the Devil’s Maze, to be sure, but the receptionist isn’t to blame for them. Sometimes the receptionist will not be able to help you, without being at fault. It’s possible to convey dissatisfaction without making it personal. The phrase “I know this isn’t your fault” can go a long way.

Technology, and indeed the pandemic, have altered office life in such a way that we don’t always have receptionists to assist us any longer, but everyone on the front line in such a role — hotel clerks, cashiers, security desk officers, and especially airline gate agents — need and deserve the same courtesy. Etiquetteer wishes you many Perfectly Proper interactions.

*Now known as administrative assistants. Etiquetteer vaguely remembers Paul Fussell noting in his book BAD, or the Dumbing of America that basic jobs were made to sound deceptively more important by adding syllables, e.g. “sales associate” instead of “sales clerk.”

**There’s often a notable difference.

***True story.

Tasting Wine and Writing Not By Hand, Vol. 21, Issue 26

Dear Etiquetteer: 

I think people need education on wine etiquette. Lots of times when the sommelier pours the first sip into the glass, for the person to test to make sure the wine hasn’t gone off, I notice the person swirling the glass and sniffing it, etc., as if that is what they are supposed to do. Instead of just tasting it for signs of being corked, and then giving the nod to the sommelier. Anyway, I see that people often don’t know what to do when wine is poured.

Dear Oenophile:

It's easy to see why people carry on so: novelty. It might be very rare for them to order a bottle, and they get excited by the novelty (and possibly humor) of the occasion. When placed in an unfamiliar position, one grabs for the only examples one knows, which are often from movies and television — and so cannot be guaranteed to be Perfectly Proper. Etiquetteer salutes your altruism in wanting everyone to understand proper wine tasting. Etiquetteer suspects there's a subset of oenophiles out there who love seeing the mistakes of others because it reinforces their own superiority. Let's hope the vintage they choose this evening expands their hearts to a more compassionate dimension.

And what is Perfectly Proper? Much of what you describe is, in fact, the correct procedure. Let us say that there is a restaurant party of four, and that the host has ordered a bottle (or two) of wine to be served to everyone. The sommelier presents the bottle to the host, who confirms that the label on the bottle really is what was ordered. The sommelier uncorks the bottle and pours a tee-tiny bit into the host's glass. No less an authority than Letitia Baldrige* says that the host should sniff the bouquet, but any swirling of wine is done in the host's mouth, not in the wineglass. The host then approves without fanfare, and the sommelier pours wine into everyone's glasses. Etiquetteer usually just gives a brief nod and says "Yes, thank you."

What is the difference between what Baldrige describes and the behavior you've seen? It's how ostentatiously These People are doing it. It's a wine tasting, not dinner theatre! One does not sniff the bouquet audibly, swirl the glass wildly (or at all), engage in quizzical expressions, or swish the wine around as though it was mouthwash. Tasting the wine is only a small moment in a much more expansive and delightful party, and there's no point in prolonging it, any more than one wants to prolong crumbing the table. Let's just get it over with and continue with the conversation, shall we?

Etiquetteer wishes you a fine vintage and convivial company with whom to share it.

Dear Etiquetteer:

On behalf of my 89-year-old father . . . "Obviously handwritten personal notes are best for personal correspondence. But once a person can no longer hand write, what is the appropriate way to send text correspondence? A typed paper with a handwritten signature folded in a card? All typed text?"

Dear Corresponding:

The popularity and convenience of electronic communication has made handwritten correspondence a mark of personal attention and sincerity. "It must be important if it was handwritten!" The downside of this has been anxiety from those no longer able to write by hand, for whatever reason, who fear that their sincerity — indeed, their value as ladies and gentlemen — is now called into question. Perfect Propriety demands compassion for these correspondents. Their message is just as valuable regardless of the medium in which they send it.

Typed/printed correspondence, on stationery or note cards (whatever fits into your printer) is absolutely appropriate. If one is still able to sign one's name at the end, or even an initial, please do. Otherwise, why not adapt something vaguely recalled from old legal documents? When typing your letter, add "/s/" to the start of the signature line, to represent that your typed name following represents your signature? What could be more Perfectly Proper?

*Letitia Baldrige's New Manners for New Times: A Complete Guide to Etiquette, 2003, page 486-87.

Preparing for the Kentucky Derby, Vol. 21, Issue 25

Next Saturday, May 7, marks the 148th running of the Kentucky Derby, an event eagerly anticipated as much by lovers of hats as by lovers of horseflesh. Before the pandemic Kentucky Derby parties enjoyed a vogue. Let’s consider a few Derby traditions, in case there’s a spate of Derby parties again.

What to wear is, of course, the most pressing issue (unless you yourself have a horse running). And hats, especially for the ladies, will be the Supreme Focus. Spectacle is the odds-on favorite, with Whimsy running a close second, but Etiquetteer always places a bet on Bold Practicality. If your hat is too large to get through the door, it’s too large. This is the Derby, not the Ziegfeld Follies, darlings. It’s worth noting that umbrellas are prohibited at Churchill Downs because they block the view of others; so don’t let your hat get that large. And while gentlemen always remove their hats indoors, a lady never does. You handicap your entry if it’s too heavy to keep wearing with comfort.

The official dress code at Churchill Downs is surprisingly lenient about what to wear (as opposed to Royal Ascot, which brooks no dissent. If Ascot is Glamorous Propriety, the Derby is Bright Exuberance). Ladies are gently encouraged to direct all their focus toward their hats and to keep dresses and jewelry simple. And while trousers for ladies are not specifically forbidden, neither are they mentioned. Etiquetteer was amused to see this instruction about shoes: “No Kentucky Derby outfit is complete without the spring heel or sandal. But remember, Churchill Downs historic grounds can be tricky to maneuver and the day is long, so remember to pack a backup pair of flats, just in case!” It would seem simpler and more elegant just to wear flats, wouldn’t it? Ladies, Etiquetteer would very much like to hear your thoughts on this.

“The modern Derby man possesses an unparalleled color palette,” the dress code continues. If ladies are directing attention to their hats, gentlemen direct attention to their pants . . . . “because it is the eye-catcher from a distance,” says the dress code, especially if one is wearing a classic navy blazer. Bracing pastels are recommended for every layer. Anyone who remembers “go to Hell pants” from The Official Preppy Handbook will be right at home. Horse bit loafers are the recommended footwear, but only without socks. Tenderfoots should pack bandages for blisters.

Mint juleps have a long association with the Derby. They require a great deal of finely crushed ice, bourbon, simple syrup, and of course fresh mint. Take care as you muddle the mint! Etiquetteer has never forgotten the words of “Colonel Calhoun” in O. Henry’s story “The Duplicity of Hargraves:” “The one-thousandth part of a grain too much pressure, gentlemen, and you extract the bitterness, instead of the aroma, of this heaven-bestowed plant.”

Etiquetteer really prefers to see juleps served in Perfectly Proper silver julep cups; this is not the same as a stirrup cup, and it is definitely not a copper Moscow Mule mug. Glass cocktail tumblers will do in a pinch, but please chill them first.

And may the best horse win! Don’t forget that Perfect Propriety requires one to win or lose with equanimity. If you lose your shirt, save the meltdown for your return home.

Easter Etiquette via Haiku, Vol. 21, Issue 24

With Easter Sunday falling this year on National Haiku Day, the more whimsical side of Etiquetteer chose to embrace the combination.

Easter Etiquette:

Go put on your Sunday clothes.

Look respectable.

Put a fine polish

On those dress shoes so people

Can see their faces.

Tuck your shirttail in.

Only the Easter Bunny

Has his tail stick out.

Comb your hair and put

Your clean pocket handkerchief

In your suit pocket.

Are you sure your tie

Is knotted up to the top 

Of your collar? Good.

No talking in church, you.

Listen to the minister.

Listen quietly.

If you do not know

The hymn, it is better to

Stand still silently.

Don't be impatient

To get back to the car now.

It isn't time yet.

We greet the preacher

On the way out and say "Thank

You, Happy Easter."

Say "Thank you, ma'am" when

The nice old ladies tell you

How handsome you look. 

Now you may take out

Your basket and hunt for eggs.

No, they aren't all gone.

And then you may eat

Some of your candy. But not

So much you get sick.

Save some to enjoy

Later in the week at school.

No, it isn't silly.

***

Perfect Propriety

has its roots in dressing up for

a Happy Easter.

Young Etiquetteer, quite possibly dressed up for Easter Sunday.

Letter Writing. Vol. 21, Issue 23

April is National Card and Letter Writing Month. How many of you have written someone by hand this month? And how many times? Don’t worry, Etiquetteer is not here to chastise, but to encourage. The Lovely Note you send will unquestionably lift the spirits of its recipient.

Obviously email and text-messaging have changed the way we communicate permanently. So how well has older advice about written communication survived? Etiquetteer has greatly enjoyed leafing through two tiny old books to see: The Ladies’ and Gentlemens’ Letter-Writer, and Guide to Polite Behavior (1863) and The Etiquette of Letter Writing (1927). Both of them still have very useful nuggets of guidance, but 21st-century readers may feel like they’re panning for gold as they search through very long sentences.

“An acquaintance with the common forms of letter writing, is of such university necessity, that no person can transact business with satisfaction or decency, without some knowledge of them,” begins the former rather turgidly. In this century we’d say “Knowing how to write a letter correctly will help you be universally understood in the business world.” But it’s still true.

Spelling is one area in which we have not been helped by technology. The Letter-Writer’s 1863 advice still holds: “We would advise those who cannot fully depend on their memory for the spelling, to . . . practice with a good spelling dictionary at their hand; and carefully correct what they have written by the book; in this way they will soon, with care, be able to attain great perfection.” Now we have spell check and Grammarly, but Etiquetteer thinks too many people allow those tools to substitute for their brains instead of enhance them.

Style is something both books discuss, but while The Letter-Writer confines its advice to adopting a style suitable to one’s topic (“. . . letters of business ought to be as concise as they possibly can be made . . . Letters of friendship . . . ought to be in a more free and easy style,” etc.), Etiquetteer was surprised to see The Etiquette of Letter Writing acknowledging how tastes, and manners, change. “. . . conventions change when custom itself has sanctioned some simpler, clearer method of expression or when perhaps a more gracious manner of personalizing the all too cold engraved form has suggested itself. In our hurried days* graciousness is all too rare, but its rarity gives it increased importance and makes it doubly welcome.” But the author quickly goes on to exempt the most formal forms of invitation from individual interpretation. “There is nothing that excuses any display of individuality in such cases; it is merely a sign of ignorance and bad taste.”

So thank goodness we are concerned specifically with letter writing today, and not formal invitations! Which leads to a final word on punctuation, as important today as it was in 1863. “Punctuation is of very great importance in perspicuity in composition, as it is necessary to the proper divisions of sentences, which, without being so divided might be ambiguous, unintelligible, or convey ideas totally different from those of the writer.” Lynne Truss handled that dilemma memorably in her 2003 book Eats, Shoots & Leaves. The necessity of a comma is sharply demonstrated by comparing “Let’s eat, Grandma,” with “Let’s eat Grandma.”

Etiquetteer wishes you joy and confidence as you put pen to paper this month.

*This was written 95 years ago!

Uncles at Weddings and Black Velvet Jackets, Vol. 21, Issue 22

Dear Etiquetteer:

Dilemma! When one’s niece announces their engagement, what is expected from the guncle? How does one acknowledge the occasion? This is uncharted water for me. I am the only representative of my sister’s side of the family. My brother-in-law has lots of relatives, and I just can’t compete with their wealth.

Dear Guncle:

First, allow Etiquetteer to wish your niece a long, happy, and Perfectly Proper married life. The imaginations of so many Victorian brides “led them right up to the altar and no further.*” Etiquetteer trusts that your niece and her beloved approach the start of their marriage with clearer eyes.

Whether guncle or uncle, it is always Perfectly Proper to express happiness and good wishes to the bride and her parents, and to welcome her fiancé into the family. Call Etiquetteer old-fashioned, but even if you get to do so in person, it’s still beautiful to send a Lovely Note. If you live in the same area, you might invite them (and her parents) to dinner, either at your home or in a restaurant. You should certainly plan to attend the wedding when the date is announced. If you are invited to participate in the wedding ceremony — by giving one of the readings, for instance — you should accept.

And of course you should send a nice gift. By “nice” Etiquetteer does not mean ostentatiously expensive or showy. Your sensitivity about keeping up with your brother-in-law’s family is not unusual, but don’t give into it; this is not a competition. Focus instead on the relationship you have with your niece and, now, with her fiancé. Nor is Etiquetteer going to recommend a dollar amount; that is entirely between you and your bank book. Everyone’s budget is different.

Nice does not always mean fancy, and it sometimes means utilitarian. If/When their wedding gift registry becomes available (ask your sister to let you know), choose something that feels like they’ll really treasure it in their home. That could be anything from a crystal bowl to a top-of-the-line mixer. A dear friend of Etiquetteer’s used to advocate for a pair of silver candlesticks with a matching bowl to display on the fireplace mantel, but alas, not everyone decorates that way any longer. When in doubt, consult your sister, who should have a closer idea of what the Happy Couple would like.

Etiquetteer wishes you joy as you welcome this new relationship into your own family.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I would like your advice on something, please. At present, a black velvet jacket is being made for me. At the opening of an exhibition of my paintings, I would like to wear it with a white high-collared shirt open at the neck, slim but not tight black trousers, and black dress boots. What I want to know is, what can I wear with the velvet jacket to attend an evening at the theatre?

Dear Well Dressed:

Sharply cut velvet suits any gentleman, but worn before the cocktail hour in the glare of day might give one the appearance of a man “mad, bad, and dangerous to know.**” In other words, it could excite the curiosity of every gaze. Etiquetteer vaguely remembers the comeback of the velvet jacket for men in the Free Love á Go-Go Swinging Seventies, perhaps adding to its Lustre of Seduction.

For the evening, Etiquetteer thinks you can treat that jacket as you would any other. For the theatre you might pair it with dark grey trousers, a white dress shirt, and necktie of silver-grey silk/satin — something with a sheen. Etiquetteer is devoted to bow ties, as you know, but prefers a necktie instead with this ensemble. A bow tie might make it look as though you were attempting to approximate a tuxedo — and not quite making it.

Etiquetteer assumes that your jacket also has velvet lapels. Black silk lapels automatically make it a dinner jacket, which automatically means black tie and accompanying accessories (pleated shirt, shirt studs and cufflinks, etc.). Etiquetteer wishes you Respectful Admiration from Every Eye as you step out with your new clothes.

*Gone With the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell.

**Lady Caroline Lamb’s famous description of her lover, Lord Byron.

Audible Ruffians, Vol. 21, Issue 21

Dear Etiquetteer:

A friend asked me “How do you manage yourself when you’re out, and there’s a person or persons talking so loudly that it’s disruptive? It drives me to distraction. And yet, no one else in the place seems to be bothered. If four tables away I can hear every word you’re saying, how loud must it be in the ear of the person you’re actually talking to?”

I responded, “I know! It is torture. At the airport recently, I had to endure a rudesby listening to music full blast. I pointlessly tried to counter his assault with “The Ride of the Valkyries” and then The Queen of the Night’s aria from Die Zauberflöte, but I gave up before it turned into a bad Frasier episode.

“You can’t win with people like that. They live in their own world. I’ve tried saying, ‘I beg your pardon, but would you mind lowering your voice.’ But, it rarely works. It’s like shushing people in the theater. They get offended. Or the new problem at the movies: the light from people’s phones. I’ve not yet figured out how to deal with that either.”

HELP US, ETIQUETTEER! [Emphasis Querent’s.]

Dear Bedeviled:

Truly, Jean Paul Sartre was right when he said “Hell is other people.” That rather puts the Hell in Unhelpful, though, doesn’t it? Etiquette writing used to be focused on weddings, home entertaining (formal dinners, afternoon tea), guidelines for Perfectly Proper stationery. The tide has turned from those genteel pursuits to how to counteract the Bad Behavior of Other People. Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt never got These Sorts of Questions.

Amy Alkon, a writer for this century advising from the intersection of Etiquette and Science, does, and she covers some possible solutions in her bracing book Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck.* Correctly noting that confrontation makes people defensive, and therefore aggressive, Alkon describes how she interacts with “cellboors” at her local coffee shop (which has a No Cellphone Calls policy): smiling and mentioning the posted policy quietly “in a stage whisper.” At the movies she recommends asking the usher to deal with it. Your friend might ask the waiter to handle this situation in a restaurant; if so, be sure to tip more than usual.

Etiquetteer just experienced Intrusive Voices yesterday twice on the subway: a man braying about event registration to his companions, and a woman braying into her device about children. Etiquetteer wishes more people would take the hint from the subway that, if you have to raise your voice that much to be heard, it might actually be better to wait to speak until the train has stopped moving. In these situations it is helpful to remember that one’s journey is finite and will be ending soon. Sometimes simply commending one’s soul to the Deity of One’s Choice is the best way.

As to Other People aggressively listening to loud devices in public — Etiquetteer does not remember where this approach first appeared (it may well have been Amy Alkon), but you might choose to travel with a couple spare unused pairs of earbuds that you could offer to these scofflaws. “Oh, did you forget your earbuds? I have an extra pair here I could give you.” Yes, that involves an expense on your part, but perhaps your peace of mind is worth the expense? If you attempt this approach, Etiquetteer will be most eager to hear how it results.

*Which Etiquetteer reviewed in Volume 14. Read the book review here.

Oscar Slap, Vol. 21, Issue 20

Since something Absolutely Improper happened at the Oscars, Etiquetteer is required to say something, and That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much has had a field day adding quotes from old movies.

For those of you don't "know anything of the world in which you live,*" Will Smith spontaneously assaulted Chris Rock on stage after the latter's ad-libbed joke about Jada Pinkett Smith's extremely short hair, caused by alopecia. Smith proceeded to receive the Best Actor Oscar and standing ovations, both at the ceremony and the after-party. No one comes out of this with Perfect Propriety.

“Use vulgar people, take pleasure in their defects.” — Sean Connery in The Name of the Rose

This quote, allegedly from the second book of Poetics by Aristotle, perfectly describes any Oscar comic's job. Poking fun at a powerful audience remains an expected custom, even when the jokes fall flat or cut too close. What's changed is that, as a culture, we are more sensitive to derogatory humor about how one looks, especially related to medical conditions. Like alopecia, which Ms. Pinkett Smith has addressed courageously.

This has been going on at the Oscars since Bob Hope hosted the ceremony, and everyone there, including the Smiths, should have expected that they might have been targeted. One thing that can be said for Rock: he kept on with the show. He didn't flee the stage, or step into the house to keep the fight going. 

"It's just that a gentleman never mentions a lady's name in a barroom." — George Brent in Jezebel

"Ah, chivalry rears its ugly head!" — John Dahl in Rope

In spite of the fact that women no longer have to hide their strengths to make men feel better, there is still a cultural expectation that a husband will defend his wife. But does chivalry require violence? Etiquetteer's informal poll on Instagram suggested that no, it doesn't, by 93% to 7%. Etiquetteer prefers this definition of chivalrous from the dictionary: "marked by gracious courtesy and high-minded consideration especially to women." That is not what we saw at the Oscars. While notions of chivalry began with knights in shining armor charging into battle, that's not how we do things now, nor should we.

Slimane (Joseph Calleia): "When one can't use guns one must work with brains."

Janvier (Paul Harvey): "I prefer guns."

Slimane: "In your case, honored sir, such a preference is unavoidable." — from Algiers

Smith knew he overstepped by the time his name was called for Best Actor, because he apologized to the Academy during his acceptance speech. His performance on everyone’s lips is not from King Richard, and except for a few romantics, his behavior has been roundly condemned.

"Say nothing. Act casual." -- Marty Feldman in Young Frankenstein

It's no surprise, after that violent outburst, that the audience wanted to resume the program as if nothing had happened. And Etiquetteer can understand the reluctance of the Academy to eject Smith from the theatre since it was highly likely he'd be back on stage to receive the Best Actor award. Imagine even greater awkwardness . . . 

But Etiquetteer questions the need for a standing ovation when Smith did receive it, and later at the after-party. Despite the historic nature of Smith's win, some industry-wide disapproval of his conduct was clearly in order in the moment, not just the next day.

"Paula, you need a governess!" -- Lauren Bacall in How to Marry a Millionaire

What should have happened? No, Etiquetteer is not going to say that Rock shouldn't have made the joke; performers ad-lib, for better or for worse, and this was one of the worse times — and he certainly knows that now. But the Smiths should have refrained from reacting during the telecast and approached Rock backstage to share their feelings. David Rubin, president of the Academy’s Board of Governors, should have made a statement from the stage that violence is unacceptable. 

A day later, the Academy condemned Smith’s behavior and Smith publicly apologized to Rock. That’s a start. Etiquetteer foresees a future when they, along with Pinkett Smith, all co-host a fund-raiser for alopecia-related nonprofits. Perhaps they'll even be forced to co-host the Oscars next year. Etiquetteer will not be tuning in.

One reader has expressed concern that what happened “represents so much more than just an overheated husband. Somehow it's gotten OK to resort to violence in a public place.” This is why Etiquetteer has said before that leaders are, necessarily, held to a higher standard than the rest of us, whether they are political or cultural leaders. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar offered a wonderful comment in this thoughtful piece about the incident: “I just want this to be a cautionary tale for others not to romanticize or glorify bad behavior. And I want Smith to be the man who really protects others — by admitting the harm he’s done to others.”

Etiquetteer has also seen commentary from thoughtful ladies and gentlemen in more than one place that our attention is better focused on any of the ongoing world crises instead of one man slapping another, be they global, national, military, environmental, or homophobic. To this Etiquetteer can only respond that the Oscar Slap falls into the Soap Opera category of The Gilded Age, the House of Windsor (sadly), and the occasional flareup of Hatred of Candy Corn. We resort to this kind of Violent Frivolity to lessen the tension of other very serious crises.

We now, all of us, have the opportunity to model the kind of Perfect Propriety we ourselves want to see in the world. If we want less violence in public life, then we need to speak out against it, yes — but it’s even more important that we ourselves set an example. That’s often challenging, but now more than ever, we need to be up to the task.

*Addison DeWitt, All About Eve.

Walking Tours, Vol. 21, Issue 19

Vacation plans bud in springtime along with the flowers, and this year that goes double as (we hope) more and more pandemic restrictions are lifted. Rumors to the contrary, Perfect Propriety is still something to take with you on vacation, including on that feature of urban destinations and package trips, the walking tour. Etiquetteer has some ground rules.

First, and most important, how well you’re prepared has a direct impact on other travelers. Walking tourists are paying to experience the wonders of, say, an old cathedral town or a desert landscape, not your frantic quest for a restroom or missing travel document. Tourists show consideration for others by being prepared for the day’s activities, reviewing any advance information about what is (or isn’t) included at least an hour before, preferably earlier.

“Never assume” is basic etiquette advice; that’s true here. Never assume there will be someplace to sit down or that there will be access to a restroom; they call it a walking tour for a reason. If these factors are important to your well-being, consult in advance with the tour staff. If they are unable to provide what you seek, you may need to reevaluate whether a walking tour is the right sort of sightseeing for you.

Never assume that everyone is going to hang around waiting for you to take all the photographs you want. This is especially true in countries where you do not speak the local language. Stick with the group, and don’t stray too far. Inveterate shutterbugs (Etiquetteer will admit to being one) might use a walking tour to scout out locations for return visits on one’s own.

Never assume the weather, or pavement, will accommodate you. Rain gear is always Perfectly Proper; consult the forecast before leaving your room. Bring water on a hot day (or decide not to go if the temperature is excessive). And it can’t be said enough: comfortable shoes are a must. Walking tours can go on for hours (good ones share estimated walking times in advance), and all that walking and standing will take a toll*.

Pay attention to your guide’s information, which presumably is one of the reasons you’re on the tour in the first place. Of course it’s permissible to gaze about you at the wonders of [Insert Attraction Here] and even to take photos (when permitted, see below). But intense concentration on your phone instead of the presentation is not good manners.

Obey photo restrictions, if any, at particular attractions. Etiquetteer has sometimes said “It is easier to ask forgiveness than permission,” but there are places — the Sistine Chapel**, for instance — where that line won’t work. Your disobedience could also result in professional repercussions for the tour guide you’re with. Get the postcards in the gift shop instead — so much less trouble.

Finally, if tipping is permitted, tip well; 10-20% is the standard***. While coins often come in large denominations overseas, it is not considered good taste to tip a tour guide with coins. Please use bills.

Etiquetteer wishes you a Perfectly Proper and Perfectly Delightful walking tour on a day with beautiful weather.

*Etiquetteer was fascinated to learn recently that Queen Victoria’s ladies-in-waiting would buy their shoes one size too large because of all the standing they were required to do at Court functions.

**See the photo restrictions for the Sistine Chapel and Vatican City here.

***More information on all sorts of travel tipping here.

From the Desk of Etiquetteer, Vol. 21, Issue 18

To celebrate Etiquetteer’s becoming a brand friend for Dempsey & Carroll stationers* of New York, and because That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much is quite behind in his correspondence, here are three examples of Lovely Notes that may inspire you to write your own Lovely Notes. These are all, one hopes, brief, concise, specific, and from the heart.

A Lovely Note of Thanks

Dear Generous Friend,

The art glass pendant you brought from vacation for me was quite a surprise. I love the deep blue color and the thin, curious design in the center. Since the string it’s on is adjustable, I can either wear it or hang it in a sunny window. You clearly know me well! Thanks for such a thoughtful gift.

Yours sincerely,

Etiquetteer

A Lovely Note of Condolence

Dear Grieving Friend,

The death of a parent always brings up a lot of emotions, no matter what kind of relationship you had. I have always admired your courage in difficult situations. While I know how much you will want to be present for others right now, don’t forget to let someone be present for you when you need to talk. Please share my condolences with your family. All of you are in my prayers now.

Yours in sympathy,

Etiquetteer

A Lovely Note of Inquiry

Dear Urban Friend,

I was so very pleased to get to see you when I was in the city last month! And it just so happens I’ll be back in the city [Insert Dates Here]. I’ll email or text closer to the time, but I wanted to give you a heads-up now in case we might be able to get together over dinner, or even coffee. And of course shout out with any ideas you might have! Eager to see you again if our availability can coincide.

Yours,

Etiquetteer

Now it might be argued that this last example is better carried out entirely in digital form, but Etiquetteer thinks getting a Lovely Note in the mail underscores nicely the writer’s interest in actually seeing the recipient.

*You may read Etiquetteer’s brand friend profile at Dempsey & Carroll’s website here.

A Gentleman's Buttons, Vol. 21, Issue 17

Today is the start of National Button Week, so let’s consider the Perfect Propriety of a gentleman’s buttons.

Shirt buttons: Traditionalists will insist that a gentleman doesn’t wear a button-down collar with a suit and tie. That attitude is softening (or weakening, depending on your viewpoint), which Etiquetteer wrote about in Volume 17. But when a gentleman is not wearing a tie, how many buttons may he leave unbuttoned with Perfect Propriety: one, two, or more? Etiquetteer came of age in the Swinging 1970s, and so considers up to two undone buttons Perfectly Proper. The 1970s image of the Swinger open to the navel and dripping with gold chains and medallions has become such a comic stereotype that it should only be attempted at costume parties. If a man is going to go about with more than two shirt buttons undone, all Etiquetteer can say is, he needs to do so with Complete Confidence and a compelling décolletage.

Vest buttons: Is the bottom button of a gentleman’s vest really supposed to remain unbuttoned? Miss Manners* used to tell us that it depended on which prince had your loyalty: Prince Albert, or his son who became Edward VII, who left it unbuttoned to irritate his father. At Black Lapel, the current thinking is that a buttoned bottom button “makes you look like a rube.” Amy Vanderbilt noted that “The bottom button of the vest is nearly always left unbuttoned.” [Emphasis Etiquetteer’s.]

Trouser buttons: Until the proliferation of the zipper** just before World War II, the most important buttons in a gentleman’s clothes were on his trousers. It was a faux pas of the most ferocious order if a gentleman was not impeccably, completely buttoned in public. This led to a variety of coded messages for one gentleman to communicate discreetly to another that all was not as it should be. After the zipper came along, the most standard of these became “XYZ” for “Examine your zipper.” That’s still appropriate even for Button Fly Mishaps.

Jacket buttons: Mercy, there seems to be little agreement on this. Let’s start with double-breasted jackets. Amy Vanderbilt’s position, “It must be kept buttoned when a man is on his feet,” is Etiquetteer’s. That means completely buttoned. Esquire Etiquette of 1953 stated “And remember that you only button the top outside button of a double-breasted jacket . . . “ but Etiquetteer cannot agree. More than other jackets, a double-breasted jacket emphasizes a gentleman’s figure. A flapping jacket detracts from this. Besides, a completely buttoned double-breasted is such an effective reminder of Good Posture.

There, that’s better.

Esquire Etiquette continues “. . . only the middle button of a single-breasted jacket,” and here Etiquetteer agrees. On the other hand, Etiquetteer remembers breezing through childhood churchgoing Sundays never ever buttoning a jacket button, “But when I became a man I put away childish things.”

Lapel buttons: The same rule applies as with lapel pins: never wear more than one at a time in a suit jacket lapel. If you have more than one candidate, view, or slogan to espouse, pin all of them onto your favorite denim jacket and go to town. Or on your rainbow suspenders and start taking orders at your local watering hole.

Etiquetteer wishes you a Perfectly Buttoned-Up First Day of Spring.

*In her Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior.

**Apparently in 1937 Esquire magazine held a “Battle of the Fly” contest in which the zipper emerged victorious over buttons. Etiquetteer is dying to find a copy of this issue.

More About Afternoon Tea, Vol. 21, Issue 16

Last weekend Etiquetteer had the great pleasure of being taken for tea to King’s Carriage House in New York. And it was a lovely tea; Etiquetteer is already contemplating a return. But sharp-eyed social media followers quickly questioned the presentation of tea goodies on the stand. Here the tea sandwiches are on the top, the scones in the center, and the sweets on the bottom. “But aren’t the sandwiches supposed to be on the bottom?” one Facebook follower asked. “Aren’t savories on the bottom?” asked another on Instagram. Just what is Perfectly Proper?

First off, what is that three-level cookie carrier called anyway? Believe it or not, Emily Post referred to it as a “curate” in the first edition of Etiquette: The Blue Book of Social Usage: “Then on the tea-table, back of the tray, or on the shelves of a separate ‘curate,’ a stand made of three small shelves, each just big enough for one good-sized plate, are always two, usually three, varieties of cake and hot breads.”* Lila Haxworth Wallace calls it a cake stand in The New American Etiquette. Etiquetteer has always referred to it as an étagère.

Emily goes on to specify that the dish on the top level should be for hot breads “of some sort,” and therefore covered. “Of some sort” these days means scones for Serious Devotees of Afternoon Tea. She then says that the center level is for sandwiches and the bottom one for cake. Hmm. Most 20th-century etiquette writers don’t go into detail about how to position tea refreshments. To Etiquetteer this indicates that Tea Fetishists may have made up some rules to add to the fun in the last few decades.

Nicholas Fairford, in this video, demonstrates the 21st-century standard: sandwiches (or savouries) on the bottom, scones in the center, and “cakes and pastries” on top. Etiquetteer would add “sweets” to the last category. William Hanson, however, in this video, has his scones on the bottom tier. Hmm**. But he specifies in the accompanying Daily Mail article that the top layer is for cakes, while acknowledging that in Emily Post’s day there would have been a domed plate.

So now we know: sandwiches/savouries on the bottom, scones in the center, cakes, pastries, and sweets on top. But what do you do if you’re served your tea refreshments in the wrong order? Etiquetteer, as so often before, can only advise you as Igor did in Young Frankenstein: “Say nothing. Act casual.” Or, more bluntly, “Shut up and eat!”

Etiquetteer wishes you a Perfectly Proper afternoon tea with all your favorite people.

*Page 172.

**UPDATE: Etiquetteer has been informed that at certain hotels the scones will be brought out after the sandwiches have been finished and the sandwich plate removed. This would explain why we see the scones on the bottom tier in Mr. Hanson’s video.

Inspiring Women, Vol. 21, Issue 15

Yesterday was International Women’s Day, “a global day celebrating the social, economic, cultural, and political achievements of women.” Naturally it made Etiquetteer think about the women who inspire one to behave with Perfect Propriety, either through instruction or example.

Fully half of those who responded to a quick question on Instagram said “My mother.” Mothers are so often left with primary responsibility for child-raising, discipline, and Setting a Good Example, and of course Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother (may she rest in peace) established a strong foundation in good manners for Young Etiquetteer.

Another suggested First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy. Few women have had such a profound impact on so many tens of millions of people*, and she has been written about more than enough. But seeing her name reminded Etiquetteer of J.B. West’s assessment of her in his memoir Upstairs at the White House: “The trick was to read her correctly, accomplish everything she wanted, and not to oppose her in anything.” Admiring Jackie from a safe distance sounds easier than working for her, but her poise, presentation, and grounding in protocol and culture made her an exemplar for the world.

No discussion of Jackie and Perfect Propriety is complete without mentioning Letitia Baldrige, her first social secretary, who achieved so much for both Perfect Propriety and women’s equality in the board room during her long and distinguished career. She even wrote the updated Amy Vanderbilt’s Everyday Etiquette before writing her own series of etiquette books! Etiquetteer has referenced her candid memoir A Lady, First, quite often, an account of her life and career made more endearing because she records and acknowledges her errors as well as her successes.

And in the political realm, few women to Etiquetteer’s mind have made the Perfectly Proper Impact of the late Rep. Barbara Jordan. Young Etiquetteer still remembers her speech before the Judiciary Committee during Watergate** (happily available on Youtube), sitting awed before the television at her dignified and powerful command. Current Congressional representatives could stand to take a page from her playbook. Ahem.

One Instagram follower mentioned a trio of 20th-century socialites: Nan Kempner, Betsy Bloomingdale, and Lynn Wyatt. To these could also be added the “swans” of writer Truman Capote, which included Babe Paley, Slim Keith, Lee Radziwell, C.Z. Guest, Gloria Guiness, and Marella Agnelli. Mrs. Bloomingdale’s description on Wikipedia could be applied to any successful “socialite and philanthropist:” “. . . well known for her attention to detail, keeping copious notes of each dinner party she hosted, including a photo of the place setting, the menu, the seating arrangement, and her outfit . . .” This is even greater detail than that suggested by Emily Post for hostesses to keep in their hostess books.

Bringing up Mrs. Post inevitably brings up the army of women who wrote etiquette books, to help all of us behave with more Perfect Propriety. Before Emily there was Mrs. Beeton, but afterward a platoon of ladies came forward to guide us: Lillian Eichler, Millicent Fenwick, Amy Vanderbilt, Etiquetteer’s beloved Miss Manners, Judith Martin; and now Lizzie Post, Emily’s great-great-granddaughter. While not strictly etiquette writers, Etiquetteer always likes to include interior designer Elsie de Wolfe, who understood so much about Gracious Living, and madcap Dorothy Draper, who knew that Perfect Propriety also involved a sense of fun.

Letitia Baldrige and Jackie Kennedy

Now this is Robert talking. Aside from our mothers, this far from complete list is made up of women in the public sphere: First Ladies, politicians, wealthy hostesses, writers of books. But no child’s list of women who teach good behavior is complete without the relatives, family friends, and others who guide (not always kindly) in “how folks do.” The school cafeteria lady who reminds you to smile, the neighbor who has to tell you to ring the bell and wait for someone to come to the door, the stern grand-aunt perpetually scowling “Ladies first!” — all these women have their places in our development, and deserve to be remembered and honored.

What women would you credit as inspiring you to behave better? Let Etiquetteer know!

With Dear Mother in 2018

*Princess Diana did.

**Young Etiquetteer remembered Watergate principally with annoyance for preempting reruns of The Beverly Hillbillies. When you think about it, Granny Clampett made her own stand for Perfect Propriety, too . . .

National Dress Day, Vol. 21, Issue 14

What we wear is part of our Perfect Propriety; our clothes represent not only how we feel about ourselves but how we choose to present ourselves to others, as individuals and as part of Society. So here we come to National Dress Day, blatantly retail and concocted by a couturiere in 2011, but get this founding sentiment: “. . . as a way to relive and celebrate our dearest dress memories.”

As soon as Etiquetteer read that the news coverage of Pat and Richard Nixon’s 50th wedding anniversary came to mind*. The caption under the newspaper photo read that Mrs. Nixon had chosen to wear one of her favorite Adele Davis suits from when she was First Lady; you can see the photo here. A matron of Etiquetteer’s acquaintance sniffed “Couldn’t she have afforded something new?” But Etiquetteer understood immediately the value of sentiment that led Mrs. Nixon to trot out that suit for a spin down memory lane. What could be more Perfectly Proper?

Queen Victoria, famously sentimental, kept having her wedding gown altered for her swelling avoirdupois so that she and Prince Albert could wear their wedding clothes on every wedding anniversary. Margaret Brown, famous for taking command of a Titanic lifeboat, would continually alter and update her gowns to keep wearing them if she had had a good time in them. In a more poignant (and fictional) vein, Peggy Sue wears her old prom dress to her 25th high school reunion in Peggy Sue Got Married.

Gentlemen can play along with their own wardrobes, of course. Etiquetteer still retains that first Calvin Klein double-breasted suit, complete with shoulder pads and peaked lapels, though Etiquetteer’s College Waistline is suppressed like a tree ring deep within its trunk. And there are neckties and bow ties associated with special events, places, or people.

This is a wonderful day to go burrowing through your closets to unearth what you wore that made you feel Perfectly Proper, plan to wear it again, preserve it, or “move it forward into the Universe.”

Victoria and Albert in their wedding clothes after a Drawing Room.

*You were just thinking of it yourself, weren’t you? 😉

Protest, Vol. 21, Issue 13

It would be so much more comfortable to write about a more traditional etiquette subject today — say weddings or tea parties or when to drink wine from green-stemmed glasses while wearing gloves* — but a couple different news items about political protest have bubbled up to the top of the pot. Like scum, they need to be skimmed off. Darn it.

Freedom of Speech remains our most valuable freedom because, as Etiquetteer has said and said, it really helps us identify ourselves. So using Freedom of Speech responsibly and without carelessness is essential not only to Perfect Propriety, but to one’s reputation — especially for leaders. Last week’s State of the Union speech was marred by Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) heckling the President at a particularly ill-judged moment, when he was about to refer to his dead son. Reports indicate that she received bipartisan boos, so this definitely gets counted as a fail on her part. Her bad manners have obscured her (bad) message.

Of course different venues call for different manners. You don’t ask for lemon for your water in a dive bar**, but you don’t hog call across the room in a fancy restaurant. How one behaves in a dive bar in, say, Colorado, is very different from how one behaves in Congress. Understand your surroundings.

And speaking of surroundings . . . for weeks anti-vaccine protestors have been vigorously using their Freedom of Speech and literal reading of local noise ordinances to stage loud protests in front of the home of the mayor of Boston. Far from getting them the results they want, they have only reinforced a negative opinion of people who share their views. At long last, the mayor has proposed a ban on residence-based protest between 9 PM - 9 AM. Etiquetteer has said it and said it, but here it is again. If all you want is to express your anger, well, hop to it. But if you actually want to effect change, this form of protest is ineffective. And really, Etiquetteer just isn’t a fan of residence-based protest anyway. It may make the protestors feel better, but it doesn’t get the desired results. Stop it at once!

*The correct answer is never. Gloves should be removed before eating or drinking.

**Etiquetteer has witnessed this. Attempt and you’ll earn the just scorn of your waitress.

Neighbors, Vol. 21, Issue 12

Dear Etiquetteer:

I live in a closely packed urban neighborhood where most houses have only a parking space and a little bit of grass between them. Usually I keep my curtains drawn since the view is so limited.

The other morning while I was sitting near a window I heard a persistent rustling outside by my car. Peeking through the curtains I saw a strange man in a knit cap walking around my car. He was gathering up little bits of trash around my car! As he moved toward the front of my house, I moved to another window. He continued picking up bits of things in front, and then I recognized him: a neighbor from a nearby house.

Etiquetteer, I am at a loss how to deal with this knowledge. Why did he do this? Is my neighbor disgusted with the condition of my property, or just being a good neighbor? This is not someone I see very often, and I just don’t know how to process or react to the fact that someone in my neighborhood took it upon himself to clean up my little space. Should I mention it at all, put up a No Trespassing sign, or what?

Dear Neighbored:

For this first attempt at Neighborly Tidiness, think charitably of your neighbor’s impulse to lend you a little assistance without calling your attention to it. Your query certainly makes it sound like he didn’t ring your bell to give you a handful of scraps — or fling them in your face with a warning. But since he didn’t speak with you, it’s likely he would prefer not to discuss it. As Igor said in Young Frankenstein, “Say nothing. Act casual.”

You probably already know how to prevent this from happening again. The second attempt at Neighborly Tidiness needs to come from you — on your own property. Start making a weekly inspection and collecting your own bits of “ephemera” so other neighbors don’t feel the need to pitch in. Since Arbor Day is April 29 this year*, you might also consider giving little seedlings or potted plants or some such to this neighbor and other neighbors in his radius. That might be an indirect way to express thanks as well as your own commitment to take better care.

Further suggestions on neighborly interactions can be found in this excellent post, “8 Favors to Ask Your Neighbor,” at The Art of Manliness. Etiquetteer wishes you Neighborly Cordiality as the spring approaches.

*Arbor Day is always observed on the last Friday of April.

Restaurant Seating, Vol. 21, Issue 11

A Devoted Reader often forwards news articles looking for Etiquetteer’s insight, for which Etiquetteer is always grateful. Today it happens to be a piece from The Takeout about just how to sit with your date at a restaurant table for two. Must a couple sit face to face, or is it ever really OK to sit side by side? Etiquetteer will confess to a weensy bit of impatience — the soufflé will fall while you just stand there debating where to sit — but with more people returning to restaurants during whatever period of the pandemic this is, it’s Perfectly Proper to review.

The Takeout article reveals some current problems with restaurant dining, specifically acoustics. If the music is so loud you can’t hear each other except by applying one’s mouth to the other’s ear — and too often it is — then of course you’re going to sit next to each other. The convenience of sharing portions with someone sitting side by side is also referenced.

But it does point out that some restaurant tables were designed for couples to be seated next to each other. Think long narrow Manhattan restaurants. Lila Haxworth Wallace brings up exactly this in The New American Etiquette of 1941. “In those restaurants with a cushioned bench against the wall the woman always takes a seat facing out with the man across from her. In some cases they will sit side by side. In such a case one man would sit between two women and one woman between two men,” preserving the traditional boy-girl-boy-girl seating plan. Mrs. Wallace also observes that “Young couples like wall tables, two seaters.”

Once upon a time, restaurant seating was determined first by gender, then seniority. Ladies always sat against the wall because that gave them the better view. Gentlemen sat across from them because that gave them a view of the lady. The New American Etiquette makes it clear: “The waiter . . . pulls out the most desirable chair for the woman. It is usually the one that has the best view of the room as women take great delight in seeing everyone who enters or leaves. If, however, the woman desires another chair, she simply stands beside the one she prefers and the waiter will quickly pull it out and seat her.” And later, in uncompromising bold, “The woman always has her choice of position.”

In this century, individual preference is greater than gender stereotype, so if you are a couple on a date night and you prefer to sit next to each other instead of across, Etiquetteer has no quarrel with you. Once you add more people to the party, however, it’s Perfectly Proper to sit next to your companions — on the theory that you can sit next to each other at home.

And with that, let Etiquetteer wish you Bon appétit!

Holiday Fallout, Vol. 3, Issue 2

Dear Etiquetteer:

Thank you for your sensitive approach to difficult issues raised by the holidays. I was reminded of the overwhelming presence of our consumer culture last month when CNN’s third story about the capture of Saddam Hussein related that his imprisonment would have a significant (positive) effect on last-minute Christmas shopping.

Dear Aware:

Etiquetteer can only agree, and point out sadly that the midwinter holidays — Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, etc. — have turned into expressions of the distinctly American religion of Retail, which we all have practiced in those Temples of Mammon, the mall.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I do get a little blue around the holidays, missing my mother and being far away from my own family. Do you have any advice on how to brighten the days and make them more meaningful? This time of year can be hard, as well as joyous. My child brings me a lot of joy; I just sometimes wish my family could see more of him. And the fact that he’ll never know my mom is sometimes a very sad thought. Is there anything proper I can do to acknowledge my mom and not seem too much of a “downer?” I don’t want to be the one who sucks the joy out of the holidays.

Dear Little Girl Blue:

Nothing like the tenacious merriment of the midwinter holidays brings out feelings of inadequacy and depression in those who do not have the traditional Nuclear Family Holiday Experience fed to us by the media. It is also especially hard for people who have lost loved ones and who live far away from others close to them. Etiquetteer sympathizes with you as you recall Those Who Have Gone Before and regret their passing, for yourself and for your son who cannot know them as you have. These feelings are understandable and not uncommon.

The midwinter holidays are times to share the “old, old stories” from the ancient religions. Could you not share with your child the stories of your own childhood holidays when your mother was with you? Are there traditions from that time that you can renew in your new household? Go back in your mind and heart and bring forth these things which are really your mother’s legacy, through you, to your son.

On a more tangible basis, all sorts of arts and crafts magazines include ideas for making Christmas tree ornaments from photographs. If your family decorates a Christmas tree, why not spend a craft period with your child making ornaments with photographs of your mother and other deceased family members, who can then “spend the holidays” with you through the branches? As long as you can keep it from looking funereal, it will be Perfectly Proper.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I would appreciate your stance on the apparent proliferation of potlucks among adults beyond the age of graduate school. Call me old-fashioned, but outside the church basement and the Fourth of July, I was raised with the conviction that hosts should not ask their guests to bring food. A gift bottle of thoughtfully chosen wine, of course, is always appreciated by the host — but who should presume to expect that their guests show up with (Heaven forbid!) baked beans, pasta salad or tabouli?! Have we lost all sense of occasion, all instincts of genuine hospitality?

Your guidance on this matter will be gratefully received. What is your view on the potluck?

Dear Potted:

Your query reminds Etiquetteer of an invitation received not too long ago from a lady to come to dinner. Politely asking what might be brought, Etiquetteer was startled with her reply, “Oh, the dessert.” On the night of the dinner, Etiquetteer was not entirely surprised to learn that other guests brought other courses . . . and the hostess was still in her bathrobe and had not yet thought about defrosting the chicken to be served as the entrée.

All of which left Etiquetteer paraphrasing Shakespeare: a potluck by any other name would smell like deceit. But Etiquetteer can find no objection to a potluck if guests are told that is the function to which they are being invited.

But perhaps you were thinking of the guest who shows up with an offering of food when you have already prepared a complete and beautiful dinner? Well, how’s this for a surprise? You don’t have to serve it! Explain that youv’e already prepared a lovely meal, and either save it for later, or send it back with the generous and thoughtful guest who sought only to contribute to your festivity.

Etiquetteer’s facetiousness proves the point that one walks on sensitive ground, yes? Could it not be that these food-bearing guests believe that they are demonstrating “genuine hospitality?” Etiquetteer will admit to some exasperation with hostess gifts anyway. Flowers, chocolates, and wine, while lovely and not unwelcome, do not replace the Lovely Note. And yet Etiquetteer encourages you to acknowledge the spirit in which casseroles are showered upon you while refraining from serving them at your table. No great harm is done. Some day you may be unfortunate enough to entertain guests who tell you what to cook for them before they even show up.