Dear Etiquetteer:
A friend asked me “How do you manage yourself when you’re out, and there’s a person or persons talking so loudly that it’s disruptive? It drives me to distraction. And yet, no one else in the place seems to be bothered. If four tables away I can hear every word you’re saying, how loud must it be in the ear of the person you’re actually talking to?”
I responded, “I know! It is torture. At the airport recently, I had to endure a rudesby listening to music full blast. I pointlessly tried to counter his assault with “The Ride of the Valkyries” and then The Queen of the Night’s aria from Die Zauberflöte, but I gave up before it turned into a bad Frasier episode.
“You can’t win with people like that. They live in their own world. I’ve tried saying, ‘I beg your pardon, but would you mind lowering your voice.’ But, it rarely works. It’s like shushing people in the theater. They get offended. Or the new problem at the movies: the light from people’s phones. I’ve not yet figured out how to deal with that either.”
HELP US, ETIQUETTEER! [Emphasis Querent’s.]
Dear Bedeviled:
Truly, Jean Paul Sartre was right when he said “Hell is other people.” That rather puts the Hell in Unhelpful, though, doesn’t it? Etiquette writing used to be focused on weddings, home entertaining (formal dinners, afternoon tea), guidelines for Perfectly Proper stationery. The tide has turned from those genteel pursuits to how to counteract the Bad Behavior of Other People. Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt never got These Sorts of Questions.
Amy Alkon, a writer for this century advising from the intersection of Etiquette and Science, does, and she covers some possible solutions in her bracing book Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck.* Correctly noting that confrontation makes people defensive, and therefore aggressive, Alkon describes how she interacts with “cellboors” at her local coffee shop (which has a No Cellphone Calls policy): smiling and mentioning the posted policy quietly “in a stage whisper.” At the movies she recommends asking the usher to deal with it. Your friend might ask the waiter to handle this situation in a restaurant; if so, be sure to tip more than usual.
Etiquetteer just experienced Intrusive Voices yesterday twice on the subway: a man braying about event registration to his companions, and a woman braying into her device about children. Etiquetteer wishes more people would take the hint from the subway that, if you have to raise your voice that much to be heard, it might actually be better to wait to speak until the train has stopped moving. In these situations it is helpful to remember that one’s journey is finite and will be ending soon. Sometimes simply commending one’s soul to the Deity of One’s Choice is the best way.
As to Other People aggressively listening to loud devices in public — Etiquetteer does not remember where this approach first appeared (it may well have been Amy Alkon), but you might choose to travel with a couple spare unused pairs of earbuds that you could offer to these scofflaws. “Oh, did you forget your earbuds? I have an extra pair here I could give you.” Yes, that involves an expense on your part, but perhaps your peace of mind is worth the expense? If you attempt this approach, Etiquetteer will be most eager to hear how it results.
*Which Etiquetteer reviewed in Volume 14. Read the book review here.