Dear Etiquetteer:
Dilemma! When one’s niece announces their engagement, what is expected from the guncle? How does one acknowledge the occasion? This is uncharted water for me. I am the only representative of my sister’s side of the family. My brother-in-law has lots of relatives, and I just can’t compete with their wealth.
Dear Guncle:
First, allow Etiquetteer to wish your niece a long, happy, and Perfectly Proper married life. The imaginations of so many Victorian brides “led them right up to the altar and no further.*” Etiquetteer trusts that your niece and her beloved approach the start of their marriage with clearer eyes.
Whether guncle or uncle, it is always Perfectly Proper to express happiness and good wishes to the bride and her parents, and to welcome her fiancé into the family. Call Etiquetteer old-fashioned, but even if you get to do so in person, it’s still beautiful to send a Lovely Note. If you live in the same area, you might invite them (and her parents) to dinner, either at your home or in a restaurant. You should certainly plan to attend the wedding when the date is announced. If you are invited to participate in the wedding ceremony — by giving one of the readings, for instance — you should accept.
And of course you should send a nice gift. By “nice” Etiquetteer does not mean ostentatiously expensive or showy. Your sensitivity about keeping up with your brother-in-law’s family is not unusual, but don’t give into it; this is not a competition. Focus instead on the relationship you have with your niece and, now, with her fiancé. Nor is Etiquetteer going to recommend a dollar amount; that is entirely between you and your bank book. Everyone’s budget is different.
Nice does not always mean fancy, and it sometimes means utilitarian. If/When their wedding gift registry becomes available (ask your sister to let you know), choose something that feels like they’ll really treasure it in their home. That could be anything from a crystal bowl to a top-of-the-line mixer. A dear friend of Etiquetteer’s used to advocate for a pair of silver candlesticks with a matching bowl to display on the fireplace mantel, but alas, not everyone decorates that way any longer. When in doubt, consult your sister, who should have a closer idea of what the Happy Couple would like.
Etiquetteer wishes you joy as you welcome this new relationship into your own family.
Dear Etiquetteer:
I would like your advice on something, please. At present, a black velvet jacket is being made for me. At the opening of an exhibition of my paintings, I would like to wear it with a white high-collared shirt open at the neck, slim but not tight black trousers, and black dress boots. What I want to know is, what can I wear with the velvet jacket to attend an evening at the theatre?
Dear Well Dressed:
Sharply cut velvet suits any gentleman, but worn before the cocktail hour in the glare of day might give one the appearance of a man “mad, bad, and dangerous to know.**” In other words, it could excite the curiosity of every gaze. Etiquetteer vaguely remembers the comeback of the velvet jacket for men in the Free Love á Go-Go Swinging Seventies, perhaps adding to its Lustre of Seduction.
For the evening, Etiquetteer thinks you can treat that jacket as you would any other. For the theatre you might pair it with dark grey trousers, a white dress shirt, and necktie of silver-grey silk/satin — something with a sheen. Etiquetteer is devoted to bow ties, as you know, but prefers a necktie instead with this ensemble. A bow tie might make it look as though you were attempting to approximate a tuxedo — and not quite making it.
Etiquetteer assumes that your jacket also has velvet lapels. Black silk lapels automatically make it a dinner jacket, which automatically means black tie and accompanying accessories (pleated shirt, shirt studs and cufflinks, etc.). Etiquetteer wishes you Respectful Admiration from Every Eye as you step out with your new clothes.
*Gone With the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell.
**Lady Caroline Lamb’s famous description of her lover, Lord Byron.