Yesterday was International Women’s Day, “a global day celebrating the social, economic, cultural, and political achievements of women.” Naturally it made Etiquetteer think about the women who inspire one to behave with Perfect Propriety, either through instruction or example.
Fully half of those who responded to a quick question on Instagram said “My mother.” Mothers are so often left with primary responsibility for child-raising, discipline, and Setting a Good Example, and of course Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother (may she rest in peace) established a strong foundation in good manners for Young Etiquetteer.
Another suggested First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy. Few women have had such a profound impact on so many tens of millions of people*, and she has been written about more than enough. But seeing her name reminded Etiquetteer of J.B. West’s assessment of her in his memoir Upstairs at the White House: “The trick was to read her correctly, accomplish everything she wanted, and not to oppose her in anything.” Admiring Jackie from a safe distance sounds easier than working for her, but her poise, presentation, and grounding in protocol and culture made her an exemplar for the world.
No discussion of Jackie and Perfect Propriety is complete without mentioning Letitia Baldrige, her first social secretary, who achieved so much for both Perfect Propriety and women’s equality in the board room during her long and distinguished career. She even wrote the updated Amy Vanderbilt’s Everyday Etiquette before writing her own series of etiquette books! Etiquetteer has referenced her candid memoir A Lady, First, quite often, an account of her life and career made more endearing because she records and acknowledges her errors as well as her successes.
And in the political realm, few women to Etiquetteer’s mind have made the Perfectly Proper Impact of the late Rep. Barbara Jordan. Young Etiquetteer still remembers her speech before the Judiciary Committee during Watergate** (happily available on Youtube), sitting awed before the television at her dignified and powerful command. Current Congressional representatives could stand to take a page from her playbook. Ahem.
One Instagram follower mentioned a trio of 20th-century socialites: Nan Kempner, Betsy Bloomingdale, and Lynn Wyatt. To these could also be added the “swans” of writer Truman Capote, which included Babe Paley, Slim Keith, Lee Radziwell, C.Z. Guest, Gloria Guiness, and Marella Agnelli. Mrs. Bloomingdale’s description on Wikipedia could be applied to any successful “socialite and philanthropist:” “. . . well known for her attention to detail, keeping copious notes of each dinner party she hosted, including a photo of the place setting, the menu, the seating arrangement, and her outfit . . .” This is even greater detail than that suggested by Emily Post for hostesses to keep in their hostess books.
Bringing up Mrs. Post inevitably brings up the army of women who wrote etiquette books, to help all of us behave with more Perfect Propriety. Before Emily there was Mrs. Beeton, but afterward a platoon of ladies came forward to guide us: Lillian Eichler, Millicent Fenwick, Amy Vanderbilt, Etiquetteer’s beloved Miss Manners, Judith Martin; and now Lizzie Post, Emily’s great-great-granddaughter. While not strictly etiquette writers, Etiquetteer always likes to include interior designer Elsie de Wolfe, who understood so much about Gracious Living, and madcap Dorothy Draper, who knew that Perfect Propriety also involved a sense of fun.
Letitia Baldrige and Jackie Kennedy
Now this is Robert talking. Aside from our mothers, this far from complete list is made up of women in the public sphere: First Ladies, politicians, wealthy hostesses, writers of books. But no child’s list of women who teach good behavior is complete without the relatives, family friends, and others who guide (not always kindly) in “how folks do.” The school cafeteria lady who reminds you to smile, the neighbor who has to tell you to ring the bell and wait for someone to come to the door, the stern grand-aunt perpetually scowling “Ladies first!” — all these women have their places in our development, and deserve to be remembered and honored.
What women would you credit as inspiring you to behave better? Let Etiquetteer know!
With Dear Mother in 2018
*Princess Diana did.
**Young Etiquetteer remembered Watergate principally with annoyance for preempting reruns of The Beverly Hillbillies. When you think about it, Granny Clampett made her own stand for Perfect Propriety, too . . .