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Dear Etiquetteer: As you will eventually learn more about, my lover of 27 1/2 years passed away last year. People kept saying to be prepared because gay relationships mean squat in death. I told them we had it all covered through our lawyer. HOW WRONG I WAS!My father passed earlier this year. My mother buried her head in the sand and never acknowledged that he was sick to the degree he was. She still won’t admit what an ass she was.Now my need for advice. I read a blog where the blogger came out and stated his illness. People wrote back saying how strong he was to talk about it and how he would lick the illness. I have heard the same remarks from PWAs who eventually died. I’m familiar with the disease this person mentioned in his blog. Not only is it terminal, it moves VERY fast. I’m for positive thinking and all, but this guy and his lover should also be making arrangements for the worst. Instead they are playing house and talking all sweet about how he’ll lick the disease (I really hope he does, but the odds are against him).I can’t just write a comment to his blog with this advice and he doesn’t list a personal e-mail address. Plus, he really should hear this from a close friend or even HIS OWN DOCTOR. One thing I’ve learned from watching my lover and father die is that doctors don’t know everything about every disease. Also, after losing friends suddenly to A.I.D.S., I’ve noticed that the level of health care varies from geographic location to location. Either his doctor is not really familiar with this illness (my lover’s and father’s doctors were in the dark), or doesn’t have the guts to tell the patient. I even wonder if maybe the lover is having the information withheld.This attitude really sucks and people get screwed. You can’t change things after the person dies. Right now I’m taking the view that I don’t know these people and it is none of my business (but would I let someone kill himself using the same logic?). Your input would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. Dear Concerned Blogger: First, please accept Etiquetteer’s condolences on your bereavement. So many emotions come with the death of a loved one, and it can be doubly difficult in your circumstances. Reading your query, Etiquetteer was reminded of a former colleague whose professional advice invariably included the injunction "Trust in God, but lock your car." It sounds like the blogger in question has Part A taken care of, but could work on Part B. That said, all bloggers are different. Some of them are eager to put all their business right under your nose, others focus on specific aspects of their lives, etc. It’s difficult to assume that he hasn’t, in fact, actually been prepared for the worst unless he’s explicitly said so.It’s never Perfectly Proper to tell total strangers what to do with their lives, in person or online. You’d never know it; it’s almost a national pastime (look at Senator Santorum, for instance). As much as Etiquetteer understands your concern and compassion for this couple, Etiquetteer agrees that you can’t post the type of comments it sounds like you want to make on a public comment board. If the blogger doesn’t provide a personal e-mail address, he probably isn’t interested in what you have to say anyway.Since all the information in the world is available on the Web now, Etiquetteer thinks you would not be skating right up to the edge (but not over it) to post "Check out these websites for more information about [Insert Fatal Disease Here]. I’m pulling for you!" and leave it at that. This way you might not be seen as telling them what to do, only providing an opportunity to read information from another source.And now I have to drop the Etiquetteer pose and just talk. Your letter comes at an interesting time for me. I myself just made an official will for the very first time in my life on the occasion of a trip overseas. With the world blanketed in violence and terrorism, I just don’t think you can leave the country without a will. We none of us like to think about our own death, but as a person who’s been through the death of a relative who died intestate, the inconveniences are legion. (Etiquetteer might even say it’s really rude to die that way, but he’s not talking now.) You owe it to your loved ones to make the aftermath of your death as smooth as possible, and the way to do that is with a last will and testament dividing your property and making quite clear all your arrangements. It should be accompanied with a letter of intent outlining your funeral plans and what you want done with your remains. I hope no one will have to read my will for decades, but now at least I know it’s there if some evil thing happens to me.
Weddings and Revolving Doors, Vol. 4, Issue 32
Dear Etiquetteer: Two friends of mine are getting married. Since they’ve been living together for over ten years, they really don’t need all the usual household gifts people usually give at weddings. They’ve decided to take a really adventurous honeymoon and would like to ask their friends to contribute to the travel expenses. Isn’t there a tactful way for them to do this? Dear Gifted Guest: Argh! For the last time, it’s the height of rudeness to tell people how to spend (or not spend) money on you, unless they ask and then they deserve what they get. For those who ask, the idea of a honeymoon registry (like other bridal registries for household goods) seems to appeal to many. Etiquetteer is alternately fascinated and appalled that such registries already exist, such as www.thehoneymoon.com, www.sendusoff.com, and www.thebigday.com, among others. Now Etiquetteer suspects some wedding guests will continue to balk at such a thing, preferring to present a gift of a thing rather than an experience. That is their right, and if so, the Happy Couple will just have to lump it.
Dear Etiquetteer:I work in a fairly large office building, with a very heavy revolving door at the entrance. I take pride in being a gentleman, and always hold open a regular door when I'm in the company of a member of the opposite sex, however, I don't know the rules about revolving doors. Am I being chivalrous by letting my colleague enter first, even though it forces her to push the heavy door herself to get it started, or do I enter before her so that I can do the heavy pushing instead of her? Thanks ever so much for your advice. Dear Floored in the Doorway: Thank goodness Chivalry is not yet dead! Etiquetteer is so glad that you wrote with this question, which proves that someone out there still cares about other people. You have just made Etiquetteer’s day! Etiquetteer thinks that gentlemen may gallantly precede ladies in revolving doors or exiting buses, but for different reasons. In a revolving door, gentlemen may not only do the "heavy lifting" as it were, but also regulate the speed of the door. This is more important than you may think. Etiquetteer has seen elderly ladies propelled to the floor by thoughtless collegians carelessly zipping through revolving doors. On a bus (or a flight of stairs), the gentlemen is always closest to the ground. So if you’re going up, the lady goes first and if you’re going down, the gentleman does. This got started back in the day when ladies wore huge gowns with 14-inch platform shoes (no, Etiquetteer is not kidding) and it was much easier for them to stumble. Gentlemen were there to break their fall. Happily, ladies’ fashions are less risky these days, but the function continues since the elderly or infirm sometime need extra assistance boarding the bus or getting upstairs.
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Dear Etiquetteer:I always thought that a bride and groom went to all the wedding functions, including the day-after breakfast. Isn’t this the case? Attending a recent wedding breakfast, I saw a few disappointed faces when the bride and groom weren’t there. Dear Rubbernecker: Etiquetteer remembers an old joke (but not its source, so please let Etiquetteer know if you know) about the Victorian wedding tintype in which the groom is seated and the bride standing behind him. "Shouldn’t the lady be seated?" asked someone. "On the day after the wedding," came the reply, "she was probably too sore to sit down and he was probably too tired to stand up!" You may take from this little anecdote that Etiquetteer doesn’t think a bridal couple should be seen at all after they leave the reception, mostly because everyone knows what they were supposed to be up to the night before. You can also bet that the wedding guests still present for any day-after festivities will want to continue speculating on whether the bride was really entitled to wear white. No bride should have to be present through that . . .
Birthday Parties and Thank-You Notes, Vol. 4, Issue 31
Dear Etiquetteer: I recently had a baby, and gifts have been arriving by mail for the past few weeks. We received two gifts that I thought were from childhood friends of my husband. The cards were simply signed "the Blanks." My husband now informs me that these gifts were from the PARENTS of his childhood friends, who of course share the same last names.My dilemma: I have already mailed Perfectly Proper lovely notes of thanks to the offspring of the actual gift givers. Part of this gaffe is easily rectified. I will mail thank-you notes to the appropriate parties posthaste. However, the couples who will shortly be receiving notes of thanks from me will probably be quite confused as to why I am so grateful for gifts they know nothing about. And more than that, these childhood friends did not send us baby gifts and my concern is that I am highlighting that fact in a most inappropriate manner. I'm mortified!What do I do? Should I call or e-mail my husband's friends and blame this regrettable episode on "Mommy brain?" Do I camp out by my local mailbox and accost the postal carrier? I have visions of me getting arrested for fishing around inside the mailbox up the street with an unbent coat hanger. Please advise. Dear Gifted Mommy: First, let Etiquetteer congratulate you and your husband on the birth of your child. Etiquetteer wishes you all long lives of Happiness, and of course Perfect Propriety. Next, Etiquetteer thanks you for getting out those Lovely Notes so quickly. What a pity the Blanks didn’t sign their card "Boaz and Jezebel Blank," which would have eliminated any opportunity for confusion, but alas, we are not all perfect. Etiquetteer finds your concern for your friends touching – so many mothers would simply tap their feet waiting for more Glorious Tribute for their Sweet Precious Darlings. But you need not fret so much. This sort of gaffe is easily passed over with a quick e-mail or phone call. "If you haven’t gotten it already, you’ll be getting a thank-you note from me and Jehoshophat for a baby gift that we actually got from your parents! So sorry for mix-up. Please just fling it wantonly into the trash when you get it." DO NOT even for one moment reference that you haven’t received a gift from them. Only your misaddressing the thank-you note is relevant to the discussion. And if this little faux pas prompts your friends to send a gift for Baby, Etiquetteer knows you’ll acknowledge it with a doubly Lovely Note.
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Dear Etiquetteer:My stepfather and I are planning a surprise 60th party for my mom. My stepfather is paying for almost everything, I think I'm just paying for the decorations and cake. The party will be in Florida and so far we know there will be at least six out-of-town guests who have to fly and stay in a hotel. The party is a Saturday night at a hall.The next day I'm planning on hosting a brunch for the out-of-towners at my house, and for the afternoon/evening I think a one-hour boat tour of the island where we live would be nice. The tickets for the boat tour are $15.00 each. If I suggest we all go on the boat tour, do I have to pay for all the tickets myself, or is it possible for me to say politely that each guest pay for him or herself? Is it crazy for me to even think that I should not pay for everyone? I don't want to offend anyone, but I don't want to buy $150.00 worth of boat tickets, either. Any thoughts? Dear Partying: If you present it as an optional activity that people can choose to do or not, Etiquetteer thinks you may be excused from paying for the tickets. You could say "For those who are interested, a boat tour of the island is scheduled every day at 4:00 PM. The tickets are $15 per person, and I’m happy to reserve non-refundable tickets for anyone who might like to go. Just please let me know by [Insert Deadline Here]. You may pay me when you arrive. Otherwise we can always hang out at Dad’s."Have a great party!
Reader Response, Vol. 4, Issue 30
Dear Etiquetteer: This is a personal question of my own relative to the brides who were serving what sounded like wedding cake and a glass of champagne for guests who have spent time and money to honor them. Is the following not the proper formula for a destination wedding?
Maybe it's my Southern upbringing but darn it, if I go to the trouble of buying gifts, attending a shower, making reservations for travel and hotel, and sometimes buying a tacky bridesmaid dress, then giving up two or three days of my life, I'd like to know my efforts are appreciated. I'd also like a nice meal, even if the bride is a vegetarian and this is her day.Weddings are expensive. Plan on it or go to the city hall. Etiquetteer responds: Etiquetteer doesn’t know about you, but you wouldn’t see Etiquetteer poking Lovely Notes under hotel room doors at 8:00 AM on a Sunday morning after a wedding. Other than that, your proposal seems appropriate, but not achievable for those on a strict budget. For instance, assuming a Saturday evening wedding, Etiquetteer would find it Perfectly Proper for the out-of-town guests to go to the rehearsal dinner and a morning-after breakfast in addition to the wedding itself.Etiquetteer loves the idea of a little giftie waiting in the hotel room, and wants EVERYONE'S suggestions! Please send them to query@etiquetteer.com. And speaking of weddings, please join Etiquetteer in wishing Maria and Seth a long and happy life together after their beautiful wedding on Saturday, July 23. Rarely has Etiquetteer seen a bridal couple so radiant!
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Dear Etiquetteer: I was a bit saddened to see your excessively hearty embrace of the post-interview thank you letter. Such letters are a relatively recent development in business etiquette: I remember that they were considered rather aggressively self-serving 20 years ago (and almost unheard of several years ago before that except in very personally connected business interviews), and still can be considered so in many quarters. It may depend on the field, but I know that I have more frequently received job offers from places that I did NOT send such letters, and vice versa. I know many (many) business people who loathe them as an imitation of the personal in a business context. I and many other people actually prefer not to receive them; while I rarely hold them against an applicant, there have been exceptions -- especially where the letters fake being more that perfunctory. Fakeness is a distinct negative in an applicant for most jobs, except in acting and fund-raising, where the quality is essential to flatter the audience. Business thank-you notes are to personal thank-you notes as prostitution is to love: they can be OK only so long as they are not confused. Etiquetteer responds: Etiquetteer could not agree with you more that insincerity would sink any thank-you letter, personal or professional. And Etiquetteer would also suggest that "fakeness" doesn't really help any actor or fund-raiser. Someone once asked Spencer Tracy for advice on acting. His response: "Don't get caught." For thank-you letters in business, this translates to "Brief, concise, and specific."And let Etiquetteer add that, when you accept a job offer, it is also best accepted by letter ALONE, and completely without flowers, chocolates, or any other non-corporate trinket.
Barkers and Panhandlers, Vol. 4, Issue 29
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Dear Etiquetteer: I’m spending a lot of my time this summer in [Insert Name of Prominent New England Resort Town Here], and I find myself getting more and more annoyed with the barkers outside restaurants and theatres yelling about how we all have to come right in for dinner, drinks, whatever. These days it seems that they are asking more specific questions and trying to engage me on a person-to-person level. Like, I’ll be walking by and they’ll ask "Are you headed to dinner?" or something like that. My first reaction is to be irritated, ‘cause my plans usually don’t include what they want me to do. Then I feel guilty that I’m ignoring them or being rude to them by not responding. I end up angry at the barkers for putting me in this position in the first place! Am I doing the right thing by not responding and should I just get over myself, or should I really take the time to answer their questions? This is really stressing out my vacation plans! Dear Barked: Aside from the obvious solution (use [Insert Name of Alternate Street Here]), Etiquetteer wants you to know that the only thing you’re doing wrong is stressing out about this. Barkers are hired to engage your attention and attract you into their establishments, be they restaurants, theatres, or dance halls. Unfortunately, doing their job means getting you to pay attention to them. No, Etiquetteer dislikes this as much as you do. Indeed, Etiquetteer will never forget walking through the French Quarter of New Orleans several years ago and being hailed by a shoeshine man. Courteously passing by in silence, Etiquetteer was deeply embarrassed to hear the man call out "You look real neat ‘til you get to your feet!" Imagine if you will Etiquetteer continuing to pass by, this time in raging silence. To inquiries you do not want, you need only respond "No thank you" and nothing more. Unless they are exceptionally thin-skinned (not a good job qualification under the circumstances) the barkers will not go home to cry the bitter tears of the rejected. If you are in close proximity on a crowded street, you may add "We already have plans" to make yourself feel less uncomfortable. Etiquetteer also hears complaints about pamphleteers, those earnest folks asking you to sign a petition, contribute money to a cause, take a free newspaper or any sort of promotional postcard, etc. Indeed, Etiquetteer knows one sick-and-tired individual who has gotten to the point when, asked by pamphleteers if he has a moment for the environment, will answer back "No! In fact, I’m going to start littering right here in front of you!" You ought to know by now that Etiquetteer can’t endorse a response like that. Total silence, "No thank you," or even that old chestnut "I gave at the office" will serve you well. If any pamphleteer or solicitor should be so ill-bred as to continue to hail you after you’ve responded, Etiquetteer can only encourage you to say "No thank you" again and move on as quickly as possible.
Resumés and Receptions, Vol. 4, Issue 28
Dear Etiquetteer:I have a party, or more specifically, a wedding reception-related question. Two very good friends have asked me to help with some of the aesthetic details of their wedding. This is an honor and I am very happy that they are, after 21 years together, finally able to marry like our straight brothers and sisters.Here is my question: what do you think about weddings without a meal? My friends have planned for passed hors d'oeuvres and cocktails but no meal. The ceremony is to be about 4 o'clock, at their country place. I feel they should provide a meal. I might feel differently if it were in town and did not involve travel and a hotel stay for a majority of the guests.Two of my colleagues attended weddings in another state last fall, and neither reception provided lunch or dinner. They both felt hungry and like something was missing. As one described it, she was very happy for her friends, thought the service was beautiful, and the reception location a gem, but that the event from start to finish lasted almost six hours and the hors d'oeuvres were minuscule and in short supply. As the receptions were also something of a reunion of old friends both of my colleagues felt reluctant, though tempted, to duck out for a bite.While I am guessing that there is no requirement of a meal it does in my own memory seem to contribute measurably to a wonderful event and shared experience. If my friends were just starting out in life and on a tight budget I would feel differently, but they are clearly upper-middle-class owning three homes and a successful business.Here are my questions: do you feel there is the expectation of dinner, and is it correct for me to gently raise the question?Dear Drafted:Oh dear, Etiquetteer thought he heard a parakeet just now. Didn’t you hear it? It sounded like "Cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap!"If your lady friends are so intent on dragging all their kindred and kind friends into the country for a wedding, they ought to feed them lunch or dinner. If they were keeping them all in town (much more sensible, if you ask Etiquetteer) they could perfectly well get away with hors d’oeuvres. Clearly they are not thinking about how their guests are going to experience their Special Day. You, happily, have been put into the unique position of advisors to your pair of brides, and Etiquetteer encourages you to speak with them, gently, about serving a luncheon or dinner as part of their festivities.
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Dear Etiquetteer:In this day of e-mail resumes and cover letters, can you help me to sort out the rules?As a potential employee, if I've been given both a street address and e-mail as a contact, should I contact the employer in both ways? I certainly don't want to be a pest but if I missed out on the great job to the speedy candidates via e-mail I'd be devastated!And what about post-interview? To send a thank-you note for the meeting, can I do this via e-mail?I've noticed that as the whole recruiting process goes electronic the days of rejection letters seem to be completely passe. As much as I hate the "Thank you for your interest.... many strong candidates... you're a loser" sort of correspondence it can be settling to cross that possibility off one's list at least. Has this process fallen out of tradition or are employers now merely lazy? Dear Resuming:These days most job postings include instructions for submitting job applications, most frequently with the admonition "No phone calls." Resume submission by e-mail and fax has become standard, but Etiquetteer still believes that a crisply-printed resume on Perfectly Proper bond paper makes the best first impression. Some may Wag an Admonitory Digit at Etiquetteer for suggesting a duplication of effort, but Etiquetteer really thinks you should fax or e-mail your cover letter and resume first, and then send it via post with the superscription "Faxed/e-mailed on [Insert Date Here]."Interviewers determine how best to communicate after a job interview. Goodinterviewers will remember to tell you this, as in "We are still interviewing candidates, but I will be in touch with finalists in two weeks." They should also hand you a business card that should include their contact information. If an interviewer forgets to mention any of this, Etiquetteer permits you to direct the conversation by asking "So, what are the next steps?" and asking for a card and whether phone, e-mail, or footman is the best contact method.And now, with barely audible disdain, Etiquetteer is going to have to tell you that you never send a thank-you note after a job interview. Notes are for social correspondence. What candidates send is a thank-you letter on Perfectly Proper crisp letterhead. If more than one person has interviewed you, you send an individual letter to each interviewer. Make sure they vary a bit; you never know if they’ll all powwow and compare them. And make doubly sure you write, print, and sign them that night and mail them first thing in the morning. If possible – and Etiquetteer has done this – you may deliver them to the receptionist of the company in question, but only if you think you will not be seen by the interviewers.Like you, Etiquetteer laments the electrifying of the rejection letter. Somehow a printed letter in the mail seemed more human – certainly unmistakable – than another e-mail which could easily be spam.
Laundry Room Rules, Vol. 4, Issue 27
Etiquetteer’s Laundry Room Rules and Regulations Laundry facilities are provided by the condo association for all residents. Please be considerate of your neighbors by remembering that other people are using the same facilities as yourself.
Your condo association should definitely be providing (as space permits) the trashcan and shelves mentioned. It’s also a very good idea to provide at least one table for folding clothes, ironing board, and hanging rack with hangers for shirts.Etiquetteer hopes this is enough starch to keep everything smooth without being too stiff.
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Dear Etiquetteer:We seem to be having some troubles in our community laundry room and I’m writing for advice. This is a condo association of four units, all owner-occupied but with some roommates renting second bedrooms. For the most part everyone gets along day to day, and those of us on the condo board have been able to manage our affairs pleasantly.Of course everyone does things differently, and the only place this turns out to be a problem is with the laundry. For instance, I think it’s very important to clean out the lint tray before each load goes into the dryer, but the lint is usually so thick I think I’m the only one doing it.Even worse, some people will leave their laundry in the machines (there is one washer and one dryer) for as long as two days! This is a real inconvenience, and not just because I don’t want to get that close to my neighbor’s underwear. How can I approach this problem without looking too stuffy?Dear Steamed and Pressed:Etiquetteer suspects that you are not the only person who feels inconvenienced (though you may be the only person who cares about the lint trap.) At your next condo board meeting you will need to present for approval Etiquetteer’s Laundry Room Rules and Regulations, as listed below, and then post them in the laundry room:
More Party Questions, Vol. 4, Issue 26
Dear Etiquetteer: I am another denizen of cubicles whose work group has seen fit to overcome the calf-pen atmosphere by throwing birthday soirees. These gatherings involve everyone getting up and joining the crowd in the center of the room, where the birthday person is summoned for a "meeting" and must feign surprise at the sight of cake and a communally signed card.The gesture is intended to be thoughtful, but I found myself on the receiving end of just such a party when I happened to be under the weather. I had made it plain earlier in the day to the person supplying the cake that everyone should enjoy without me, but found myself dragged out at cake time nonetheless. Because I was not partaking of cake, I stayed briefly, explaining that I didn't feel well and that people should help themselves. I then departed to my cubicle to complete some work tasks that needed my attention; the party went on without me.Was there some more gracious way of handling the situation? I do owe the cake-bringer an apology; she went to the trouble of bringing something in for me. But not feeling well aside, what is the statute of limitations on how much time one must spend gabbing to coworkers on the company dime, for the sake of team spirit?Love your column. May you be frequently linked and prosper. Dear Caked: The real question here is, how can a guest of honor at a surprise birthday party cut short one’s appearance without showing disrespect to fellow colleagues who only want to celebrate one’s special day? Etiquetteer’s answer, you will not be surprised to learn, is that it’s nearly impossible. Hearing you plead ill health, Etiquetteer’s first reaction is to ask what you were doing at the office that day anyway. At a work party such as the one you describe, Etiquetteer thinks that only a work excuse is appropriate. Your hasty retreat would have been more understandable had you pleaded the advancing deadlines of the projects you mentioned, of which surely some of your other colleagues would be aware – especially since everyone in a cube farm knows a lot more about everyone else’s business than they ought to. Otherwise, it’s best to grin and bear it, or at least stay home if you’re really sick.
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Dear Etiquetteer: While attending a recent public celebration/street party I was perplexed by the following situation. As I finished my beverage, I looked around for a proper recycling receptacle for my can. I spied one close by and noticed an elderly street person hovering over it. Nearby was her shopping cart, filled to the brim with cans. As I watched further, I noticed her occasionally bending over and poking through the trash looking for fresh five-cent gems. I thought, what is the appropriate thing to do? Do I walk over and hand the can to her? Do I wait for her to be distracted and throw the can in? Or, do I throw it into the receptacle while she is watching so that she is aware that a fresh gem is waiting to be added to her collection?Dear Canning:Etiquetteer certainly understands your reluctance to engage in face-to-face communications with street people. Many sane people have been forced from the security of a home onto the streets by tragic circumstances. But one frequently sees the more, uh, shall we say reality-challenged street person instead, anxious to ask you to write to the President about legislation to prevent drivers from honking their horns between 3:00 and 4:00 AM on residential streets where dyslexics live. While one pities their condition, of course, one usually doesn’t want to engage them individually.Ask yourself what sort of street person this "canner" is. If they pass your Impromptu Street Sanity Test, by all means smilingly hand him or her your can. Please do so frankly and pleasantly, without any hint of condescension. Remember, we are all Americans and are therefore created equal.Otherwise, if the street person appears to be "a few cans short of a twelve-pack," Etiquetteer would encourage you to a) find another receptacle, or b) dispose of it as surrepetiously as possible without that person noticing.
Parties and Invitations, Vol. 4, Issue 25
Dear Etiquetteer: My husband and I heatedly disagree on the subject of who is obligated to attend an engagement party. His brother recently became engaged, and an engagement party is planned. My mother-in-law insists that her other two adult children and families travel 255 miles to attend. I maintain that the party is for the in-laws to get acquainted and siblings need not be present.The party happens to be the same weekend as a festival in my own hometown, 225 miles in the opposite direction, which I take our children to every year. Must I cave and go to the blasted party? Please respond soon! Dear Party Pooper: Etiquetteer feels obliged to point out that you have trapped yourself into going to this engagement party through your own definition: "for the in-laws to get acquainted." Ahem, do you not realize thatyou yourself are an in-law? Your brother-in-law is getting married, and over and above what your mother-in-law thinks, you may want to take his feelings into account. You might also want to welcome his bride-to-be into the family and give her some pointers on getting along with the matriarch. These alliances cannot be formed too soon . . . Incidentally, an engagement party need not be limited to the families of the betrothed, but may certainly include any friends or colleagues they wish. Frequently marriage brings together more circles than just family circles.Your hometown festival takes place annually, but your brother-in-law will marry only once (at least he’d better marry only once). Missing one year is not going to be as big a deal as missing this party. And let’s face it, no one at the festival will be visiting you in the hospital as much as your husband’s family. Etiquetteer urges you to take a pass on the hometown this time and attend the party with a happy heart.
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Dear Etiquetteer: I’m about to send out invitations for a "milestone" birthday party. One of the issues I have is space at the party place. Since the number of people I plan to entertain is limited to 80-100, and since this limitation has financial repercussions (open bar up to a certain amount of money) how can I emphasize that yes, in fact, I DO need an RSVP and we need it as soon as possible, and no, you cannot bring friends so don’t ask and for gods sake don’t just bring them.It’s particularly a problem for me since my guest list is used to my very casual brunch invites, which have encouraged people to bring friends and I long ago gave up even expecting a reply to an RSVP. At first I thought of asking you for a kind way to address these issues, but frankly with this bunch I want to find a way to say it that isn’t so veiled in social niceties that people don’t get it or choose to see beyond it. I realize that will always be some people who feel "Don’t even @#(*in’ think of bringing a guest!" doesn’t apply to them, but I am open to suggestions.Dear Hostly:Well, we are just infected with the spirit of hospitality, aren’t we? Etiquetteer knows many people who entertain casually who become alarmed when attempting a more formal party. Well, "formal" may not be the word – "advanced" probably sums it up best. This is the kind of party that one does outside the home, at a hotel or function hall, with a caterer when one usually just whips up an omelette in the kitchen at home for ten people. Weddings most frequently fall into this category.Because your guests’ expectations of this party will be different, you need to communicate that your expectations of them are also different. The most traditional way to emphasize that your guests may not bring guests of their own is to write the names of those invited on the invitation, as in "Mr. and Mrs. G.D. Fargin-Bastidge are cordially invited . . . " Somehow Etiquetteer doesn't see you superscribing all your invitations . . .How about adding "We regret that we cannot extend invitations to additional guests" at the bottom under the R.s.v.p. information? That would get the point across explicitly without pointing fingers. As to getting people to respond by your deadline, the traditional admonition on an invitation is "The favour of a reply is requested." (Please notice the u in "favour.") A more hard-line approach, which Etiquetteer does not necessarily endorse, is "Responses will not be accepted after _____________."As you calculcate your response date, take the caterer's deadline (usually five business days before the event) and add two days. But Etiquetteer knows you’ll spend them phoning and e-mailing everyone anyway.
Gallantry and Tipping, Vol. 4, Issue 24
Dear Etiquetteer: Do you tip your housecleaner? Is there a certain percentage that one tips each time? or at holiday time? Do you know anything about the etiquette of this?OK, so that was four questions. I would have answered: no, I don't tip the housecleaner. She's doing a job, she's getting paid cash. I figure that's tip in and of itself, since she's not claiming it on her taxes! As for holidays, I would consider the equivalent of a weekly fee as "tip". But, I'd much rather get the most proper response from dear Etiquetteer! Dear Lady Bountiful: Etiquetteer has said before that one’s housemaid or housekeeper (the term "housecleaner" sounds like a detergent to Etiquetteer: "New and Improved Housecleaner, now with Scrubbing Acid for those Tough Stains"), along with any other domestic staff, should be tipped at the end of the year (you can go back here for all the details). It’s certainly not necessary to tip her each week, but if some special, extra service is performed (cleaning up after a party of marauding yaks or frat boys, for instance) an additional gratuity is Perfectly Proper.
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Dear Etiquetteer: I was recently in a situation where my sister, a married lady, was at a family event in a club and was unaccompanied by her husband. My mother came up to me and asked me to buy my sister a soft drink from the bar. It was not a problem and I was happy to do this; I get on well with my mom and sister. But it was an odd request. My mother later related that it is inappropriate for a married woman to approach a bar and buy a drink sans husband. Have I missed the memo? Haven't we progressed to the 21st century? This reeks of all those bad Taliban stories we read about in the papers with women embargoed from all aspects of life. I just don't get it. Perhaps I should keep a cape handy in case a woman needs to perambulate over some mud. Dear Gallant Family Man: Perhaps you should just get over it and listen to your mother. Etiquetteer adores your mother and can’t wait to take her to lunch. She understands that we have progressed into the 21st century in every way but gossip, and that a matron has to protect her reputation. Etiquetteer thanks you for accommodating her request, even while doubting the reasoning behind it. You have helped to prove that Chivalry isn’t dead yet. By the way, Etiquetteer has always been fond of big Inverness capes and opera cloaks, but alas, they look out of place unless you’re tramping the moors or taking in La Traviata.
Declining Invitations, Vol. 4, Issue 23
Dear Etiquetteer:
At dinner last night a group of friends had a lively conversation and solved nothing in the matter of how to decline an invitation. Here are some of the situations pondered:
A four-year old boy cries and screams at the suggestion he attend a birthday party. It seems the birthday boy was the bully of the pre-school. This left the mother having to decline by note or phone, then again having to decline when she dropped off a gift. Is there a way to decline without the Social White Lie that teaches the child a bad habit?
The pre-teen of either sex who is painfully shy and is serious about not wanting to attend a party where there will be dancing and probably kissing games?
The teen who fears asking for a date because he dreads being turned down. The girl who doesn't want to hurt the boy's feelings and is so non-committal that the boy has no idea what she means. Or the girl who is cruel to the bone and laughs. The boy or girl who stands up one date because a more attractive date comes along.
The adult who accepts an invitation to dinner then forgets.
The adult who accepts more than one invitation on the same night and spends only a few minutes at any one party.
That wretched person who ignores the whole scene and doesn't respond at all.
Those who just plain don't want to go.
When is "previous plans for the evening" not enough? Is "not in this lifetime" too terse?
Is there any graceful way to get out of a lie when you're caught out on a night you claimed illness?
A really good book is needed to cover these situations. I nominate Etiquetteer.
Dear Declining in Hiding:
While thanking you for the nomination, Etiquetteer hopes to be up to the task of addressing with Perfect Propriety all these different situations. What a minefield you and your friends have sown for Etiquetteer!
Fewer parties are as fraught with peril as a child’s birthday party. And Etiquetteer has never forgotten, at age 12, being forced into attending one for the Most Loathsome and Evil Boy Ever. Not only that, it was a roller-skating party, and Etiquetteer was also forced by kindhearted but utterly misguided adults into the humiliating experience of having to learn how to roller skate right there in front of everyone with two other non-skating guests. At least Etiquetteer has stopped waking up screaming now . . . Just as a ball is no place for dancing lessons, so is a skating party not the place to learn how to skate. Etiquetteer still doesn’t know why he ever got on the guest list for this party (probably the Most Loathsome and Evil Boy Ever was made to invite the entire class, who knows?), and Etiquetteer remembers begging Dear Mother not to make him go, but she insisted that it would be fun* . . . Socializing in controlled environments like parties is supposed to teach children and teenagers how to get along well in the world, but parents ought to think very carefully about the circumstances. The teenage years are possibly the most self-absorbed in the human life span.
So, back to your four-year-old. Etiquetteer has to say that he has a certain amount of integrity, not wanting to accept the birthday cake of a sworn enemy. As long as his mother can confine her declining to "He’s not able to come that day" without concocting some fictional previous engagement, she is actually setting a good example for her son. It’s a truthful answer edited to spare the other mother’s feelings. What mother wants to be told that her Sweet Precious Darling is really just Wicked and Evil?
As for the shy pre-teen afraid of dancing and kissing (or roller-skating), it’s a question of ensuring that it’s OK to go to the party and not engage in dancing or kissing (or roller-skating). Even at school dances or church youth functions you can often just hang in the lobby and talk away from the dancing.
Dating, of course, carries emotional risk whatever the age. And whatever the age, Etiquetteer always says "If you can’t figure out if they’ve said yes or no, they said no." Girls need to understand that they do no boy a favor by dangling him because they don’t want to hurt his feelings. The quicker you decline, the quicker you can both get on with your lives. Even to say "It’s really nice of you to ask me, but I’m just not ready to date right now" or "I don’t feel that way about you" clears the air right away, no matter how much it may hurt at the moment. Cruel girls will get theirs later, when their husbands either cheat on them with their best friends or dump them for trophy wives. Etiquetteer can’t wait . . .
People of any age who stand up previous engagements for better offers reveal more of their character than they know. The stood up at least have that as a guide and can reject them on the inevitable rebound.
Now we move to your invitation problems for adults, who are supposed to be Old Enough to Know Better. This is not always the case, as we know:
Etiquetteer recently had the deeply embarrassing experience of forgetting to attend a dinner to which he’d accepted an invitation not too long ago. It was an innocent mistake, but which of course must be followed up with a Lovely Note of Apology. (That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much had better get busy with that note, too . . . )
We see more party-hopping the way you describe during the holiday season, and really Etiquetteer does not find it offensive until it interferes with a seated dinner. It is the height of rudeness to arrive at a dinner halfway through or leave before the last course has been served and consumed to go on to another party.
The wretched non-responders may not have any more invitations to respond to if they keep that up.
There are a lot of lovely people out there who just don’t want to go. Sometimes you just can’t turn down an invitation, however. The true test of Perfect Propriety is going to the party you don’t want to go to and convincing everyone that you’d rather be there than anyplace else.
"Previous plans" should be enough without further elaboration. It’s actually impolite to ask for more information when you’re given that response by people you’ve invited. Etiquetteer thinks you already know that "Not in this lifetime" is Never Proper. That’s when you say "unable to accept your invitation." And when they press, you just keep saying "I’m sorry, we’re just unable to accept, that’s all."
The late Gertrude Lawrence, when she was still performing in Charlot’s Revue, was given sick leave for a week. During that time she accepted an invitation to a theatre party. Imagine her surprise when she was seated next to M. Charlot Himself at the theatre! They were terribly polite to each other, both at the theatre and when he fired her the next day. Let this be a lesson to you a) not to lie to get out of something, and b) when you do and are found out, come clean right away.
Etiquetteer hopes this list provides you and your friends with all the solutions you need; please write again if this is not the case.
*Special to Etiquetteer’s mother: All is forgiven.
Potluck Mystery Guest, Vol. 4, Issue 22
Dear Etiquetteer:
I'm still blushing from this experience and wonder if I or others involved could have avoided embarrassment by improving our manners.
I attended a potluck dinner for an organization I recently joined. This was one of those casual affairs where it is assumed that introductions are unnecessary, although I doubt that any group member could reliably name every other member of the group, let alone come up with a conversation-starting comment about mutual interests or experiences. Added to the social challenge was the presence of significant others, offspring, and even a pet or two.
I ended up seated next to a friendly woman who appeared to be the spouse of a member of the group (at least she was sitting next to him). Let's call her Ms. X. She looked vaguely familiar, but then so did everyone else. The general conversation began, and it became apparent that she was a prominent academic of whom someone in my line of work should have heard . . . but which one? I had a few ideas as to who this Professor X might be, but didn't want to hazard a guess unless she turned out to be Professor Y or Z instead. Meanwhile, no one at the table came to my aid by mentioning her by name, her university and department, or the title of any of her books (which I would have instantly recognized).
Meanwhile she must have thought I was a complete idiot, politely asking her ignorant questions about her work when she is a prominent professor at the institution where we both work. The time had long passed to say "I didn't catch your name," and there was no way to check discreetly with someone else in the room as we were all seated at the table by then. I finally fled to the dessert table in disarray and sat down at another place at the table.
What was the best way out of this dilemma? The lesson, of course, is for all of us to perform introductions or introduce ourselves even if we think the parties should or do know each other. But what to do when the crucial info is missing and you're well into a conversation? (I did confirm her identity and send a follow-up note (OK, an e-mail) the next day to explain my failure to identify her out of context and apologize for my failure to connect my dinner partner with the distinguished scholar she is.)
Dear Potlucked Out:
There’s a phrase in the real estate industry – or maybe Etiquetteer read it in James Spada’s excellent biography of Bette Davis, More Than A Woman, Etiquetteer just can’t remember which: "If you can’t hide it, paint it red." At that stage in the conversation there was clearly no hiding that you couldn’t identify Professor X. So rather than continue to hem and haw, just offer your hand with a hearty "You know, I ought to know who you are, but I just cannot place the name and the face together. I’m [insert Your Name Here]."
You were also a newcomer on this occasion, Etiquetteer notes. Frequently in situations where group members are too oblivious or uncaring to greet newcomers, the newcomers need to look out for themselves. One does that best by introducing oneself the very first time one speaks or sits next to someone else. And you already picked up on this as you stated this as the lesson learned in your letter. So three cheers! Etiquetteer is delighted that you know now the Perfect Propriety of a Forthright Self-Introduction. Now go and sin no more at the next potluck.
Feminine Honorifics and Feminism at the Door, Vol. 4, Issue 21
Dear Etiquetteer: I have a problem now that same-sex couples can get married and some are switching to the same last name. Ho do you address women in formal correspondence? When men are a couple -- married or not, same last name or not -- you can address them in the plural as "Messrs," as in "Messrs. Smith" or "Messrs. Smith and Jones." When women are a couple with different names you can address them as Ms. Smith and Ms. Jones, but is there a plural when they take the same last name? What is the proper way in formal correspondence to address a female couple with the same last name? Thank you.Dear Correspondent:As "Messrs." abbreviates the French "Messieurs," so does "Mmes." abbreviate the French "Mesdames." So you may begin formal correspondence as "Dear Mmes. Smith" or "Dear Mmes. Smith and Jones." Really, Etiquetteer does not see why not. Of course, this all falls to the ground if the ladies in question have political or academic titles. Then you would use "Dear Senator Smith and Ms. Jones" or "Dear Senator Smith and Dr. Jones."
Dear Etiquetteer: Regarding the act of holding open doors: did a memo go out saying this is passé? I can't count how often people let doors slam in my face, yet I'm just a step or two behind them. But I digress . . . My real question is a matter of distance. Have you ever gotten caught in that time warp of holding open a door for a person who is further away than they might have initially appeared, only to have them either apologetically run up to you or continue to dilly-dally? Or, ever let the door close behind you, only to feel somewhat guilty that you didn't hold it for the person trailing behind you? Is five feet far enough? Ten feet? At which point can you feel no remorse in not holding the door?Dear Floored and Ignored at the Doorway:Chivalry is not dead, rumors to the contrary, but the feminism of the mid-century has altered it significantly. These days Chivalry honors seniority (either professional or chronological) rather than gender. It's more usual now for someone to hold the door for the boss, or for younger people to offer this courtesy to the elderly. (But be careful; you remember what happened to Edna Ferber when she held the door for Dorothy Parker? As she opened it she said "Age before Beauty." Miss Parker sailed right past her muttering "Pearls before Swine" in her usual self-satisfied way.)Now that we've each had our digression, let's continue . . . Etiquetteer absolves you from any remorse in letting the door shut if the people for whom you are holding it are in no hurry to get there. To rephrase your question, Etiquetteer would advise you not to start holding the door if someone is more than 15 feet away. And if someone lets the door bang you in the face again, Etiquetteer gives you permission to launch into full Marcia Brady mode: "Oh my nose! Oh my nose!"
Find yourself at a manners crossroads and don't know where to go? Ask Etiquetteer at query@etiquetteer.com! Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify@etiquetteer.com.
Dear Etiquetteer: What is one to do nowadays with the titles Miss, Ms. and Mrs.? As a married professional in my late twenties, I prefer "Ms." (although I’m technically a "Mrs"). My single friends prefer "Ms." as well, and feel that being addressed as "Miss" places them among the ranks of 8-yr old Girl Scouts. My elderly great-aunt, however, would be offended by "Ms." and prefers "Miss" over all else.Your recommendation, kind sir? Dear Madam: As always, Etiquetteer recommends that you use Perfect Propriety when continuing to address friends and colleagues. Continue to refer to your Great-Aunt Agatha as "Miss Agatha Auntie" and to your professional friends as "Ms. Prunaprismia Professional." Either is correct, and therefore Perfectly Proper.As for you, madam, Etiquetteer feels bound to inform you that the honorific "Mrs." is really only used with Perfect Propriety with one’s husband’s name. If you took your husband’s name at your marriage, you would be correctly known as "Mrs. John Husband." If you hyphenated, "Mrs. John Maiden-Husband" or "Ms. Wifey Maiden-Husband" would be equally correct. If you kept your own name without making any concession to your husband, you could not then change your honorific; only "Ms. Wifey Maiden" would be correct.
Perfect Propriety for Presidents, Vol. 4, Issue 20
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Dear Etiquetteer: I'm a chief academic officer at a small private college and desperately need your advice in how to handle that Mother of All Uncivil Behavior, the College President. If you don't believe me, let me tell you a hair-raising, yet true, story.Some time ago the president of a college where I consulted got into a snit with his faculty, not because of inept or corrupt management, but because he was a bully and a tyrant. The faculty moved heart and soul first to redeem him and second, when all attempts failed, to unseat him. This, of course, enraged him more, and he set out on a path of revenge against his enemies, real and imagined.After several years of tireless effort cultivating its best and brightest students to compete for prestigious national fellowships, the college found itself in the enviable position of having produced its first-ever winner of the distinguished and coveted [Insert Name of Distinguished and Coveted Fellowship Here]. Everyone at the school was ecstatic and endeavored to celebrate the young woman’s triumph with great fanfare.At the luncheon following the annual spring awards convocation, the student and her parents found themselves walking next to the college president as they were leaving the auditorium. He did not speak to the young woman and also ignored her parents, although he did congratulate another student present for having won some lesser honors. The fellowship recipient and her parents were surprised but thought it merely an oversight. As they waited at the head table where they and several other students and parents were placed, they received an even greater insult. The president arrived at the head table, and instead of sitting down, picked up his placecard, said only, "I'm going to move to another table," turned his back and walked away. The reason for this snub was simple: the student’s advisor was a faculty member who had worked to remove the president. The young woman and her parents were crushed. Well, Etiquetteer, I know you are as horrified as we all were. Could you please comment on appropriate behavior of chief executives in academia? And especially offer some insights for those leaders who must be attentive to the ceremonial role of their positions? Dear Chief Academic Officer Who Never Wants to Be a President: Etiquetteer’s heart goes out to that poor fellowship winner and her parents, needlessly snubbed just like a child stuck between two divorcing parents. Your college president seems to be guided by the maxim “The friend of my enemy is my enemy.” This is not only foolish, but could be disastrous for the future of the college in question. Small-Minded People should never be placed in Big Picture Positions. Academic leaders, like world leaders, cannot afford to compromise their dignity or to burn bridges. This means that the carrying-on of blood feuds such as the one you describe need as much as possible to be limited to the issues, and not to personalities. We have only to look back as recently as last year for examples. Take, for instance, the profane way Vice President Cheney treated Senator Patrick Leahy during their “class photo” in Congress. It justifies what Cornelia Robson said in Agatha Christie’s Death on the Nile: “Cousin Marie says politicians aren’t gentlemen.”All this is to say that whatever disagreements one may have with a colleague, they must be confined only to the colleague, and they must not intrude on the public role of the college presidency. And of course that public role involves acting as a figurehead for the entire college, and acknowledging dignitaries and special guests, such as your fellowship winner and her parents. Most of this can be limited to hand-shaking en masse, taking seats of honor on daises, delivering keynote addresses, making small talk with people who speak other languages in the glare of photographers and thousands of onlookers, and remembering to wear pants under one’s academic gown. Etiquetteer will admit that this routine can become grinding after only a few years, but heavy lies the head that wears a mortarboard.Your Petty Little President behaved inexcusably moving to another table, and if it were up to Etiquetteer he’d get a good sound spanking. As it is, he needs a handler who will stick to him like glue and make sure he behaves the way he ought, and Etiquetteer is not kidding. Heads of state and celebrities of all stripes employ people to help them remember everything they need to do and everyone whose names they are supposed to remember. Your guy needs to shape up and hire one pronto if he cares anything about the institution he’s leading.
Random Issues, Vol. 4, Issue 19
Dear Etiquetteer: Is it possible to thank someone TOO much? Dear Grateful: When someone either a) comes to expect your gratitude or b) believes you’re insincere, you’ve thanked someone too much.
Dear Etiquetteer: What precautions can one take to make sure e-mail--whether its tone or content--will not be misconstrued? Dear Misunderstood: Proofread! When composing an e-mail, Etiquetteer frequently finds it helpful to read the first draft as a recipient. Put yourself in their desktop, as it were. Etiquetteer tends to include more explicitly words like "Please" and "thank you," and to write in complete sentences rather than shorthand. Reviewing your e-mail is also helpful as you don’t want anyone to misconstrue you as a dolt or an idiot. This is the time to proofread from a spelling and grammar point of view as well as tone and content. The difference between "We will not be meeting at 2 PM" and "We will now be meeting at 2 PM" says it all.Including a specific subject line will help your recipients enormously. For instance Etiquetteer receives a lot of e-mail with the subject line "Etiquetteer," or "Question for you." It would be more helpful to write "Question About Invitations" "Tipping Dilemma" or "Gift-Giving Advice Needed" instead. Etiquetteer is sure that we all have rafts of e-mail messages headed "Hi," "Hello," or the very helpful "<no subject> Find yourself at a manners crossroads and don't know where to go? Ask Etiquetteer at query@etiquetteer.com! Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify@etiquetteer.com.
Dear Etiquetteer: When going out as a group for lunch, how much do you pay when you know you only ordered a small salad but everyone else had drinks and appetizers, too? And how do you politely, firmly refuse to pay more? Sometimes avoiding the lunch is not an option. Dear Lunched: What Etiquetteer does like to avoid, especially in a group larger than six people, is the bickering of the who-ordered-what variety, which can keep people at table longer than the lunch itself and get accountants whipping out their cell-phone calculators. Dividing the bill equally does solve that problem, but if you always eat sparingly at lunch, that plan won’t work for you in the long haul. When you find yourself in a group and the last person with the check announces that everyone needs to put in more money to cover the bill, and you’ve calculated that you’ve already put in your share and a little bit more perhaps, you need only say "I’ve already covered my portion of the bill; I just had a small salad." It would be ill-bred of anyone at the table to contradict. But if the difference is only one or two dollars, Etiquetteer encourages you to overlook it. Otherwise, it will help you to be the first person to get your hands on the bill, quickly total what you owe (always including tax and tip), insert your contribution into that little leather portfolio thing, and hand it to the next person saying "I’ve included what I owe for my lunch."
Reader Response, Vol. 4, Issue 18
Dear Etiquetteer: Having eased the pain of a Monday just a little by reading Etiquetteer, I want to mention, for clarity's sake, something that gave me an uncomfortable twinge while reading about doorway décor. A mezuzah is, indeed, a religious symbol, yet discreetly applied, and in a very particular way. Unlike a wreath or a celebratory banner, however, it is not an option -- it is an obligation, a commandment. It is not a statement to the world, either -- it's a reminder of personal responsibility to the inhabitant who has placed it on his/her doorpost. The idea that it is "allowed" suggests that it might be "disallowed," which suggests a misunderstanding of its presence. (I don't even want to think about the issue of Chanukah menorahs.) Dear Doorposting: Quite true, but what Etiquetteer has seen, alas, is that what is commanded by one’s religion is not always allowed by one’s condo association. Like you, Etiquetteer firmly believes that such a gesture is not an option. And this means that one must examine one’s condo documents very carefully to be sure that no such restriction is in place. Good heavens, the fondness for gated communities (talk about removing oneself from "the chain of human sympathies" . . . ) with restrictions of yard display has kept patriotic Americans from flying the flag on their own property, which certainly can’t be right.
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Dear Etiquetteer: What has this world come to?This week's letters are the final straw for me.... not the most egregious examples, just the final straw. I'm grown horribly tired of these people who have nothing better to do than become squeamish over the passing of crumbs or the touching of fingers or being anywhere where someone's dry lips may have passed. If I see one more anti-bacterial product I think I really will become sick. Oh yes this woman at the book club used her cracker as a scoop... really, so what is quite so terrible? Nice suggestion from you to the host that she encourage use of the knife provided but all these guests grossed out? I find myself wondering what sort of plastic bubble they live within.I appreciate that our modern, polite society pays attention to hygiene and is thoughtful enough to wish to avoid passing illness onto others. Covering one's sneeze, not sniffling all day over a co-workers desk, rodent control and all -- wonderful progress. But science has shown that living in too sterile an environment is actually bad for one's health.I hear about people absolutely disgusted by people who lick their fingers in order to effectively separate stuck papers. Not the nicest thing I suppose but is that really worth getting one's knickers in a twist? Unfortunately many are responding to this sort of grousing so that at mass on Sunday some communities are no longer encouraging worshippers to exchange a handshake as a gesture of peace. The latest and most distressing are calls to no longer share the communion cup of wine -- the very symbol of the faith and commonality -- because it's "gross." Really. Good enough for our Lord Jesus Christ but we're all above it all now I guess.Just when is this going to stop? I fear we are becoming a cold people, unable to appreciate the sensuous pleasures of life and love. I appreciate concerns about passing of colds or VD or unpleasantness of any kind. I appreciate common manners and would never encourage slob-like dinner guest but really, things are going too far. Dear Forthright: Thank you for expressing your opinion so thoughtfully. Like you, Etiquetteer laments the super-fussiness of those who cannot stomach sharing a Communion chalice or even shake hands. We are losing what Nathaniel Hawthorne once called "the chain of human sympathies." If more people remembered to wear their crisp white kid gloves to church we wouldn’t have these problems . . .Now all that said, Etiquetteer needs to leap gallantly to the defense of the book club made squeamish by the pillaging of the Brie. Etiquetteer was not present at the time, but it certainly does sound as if Brie Woman’s standard of personal hygiene was not at the level of the others present, perhaps not anywhere near it. Imagine, if you will, that Brie Woman had thoughtfully covered a sneeze with her bare hand and then reached over with a small cracker to chop out more Brie, which unavoidably got all over her fingers. Anyone watching this would automatically think that the residue of her sneeze was all over the Brie. Etiquetteer would definitely passing up the cheese course under those circumstances . . .So Etiquetteer must both agree and disagree with you. Now let us join hands and pray each to the Deity of One’s Choice that our common humanity will emerge victorious in the long run.
Questions of Culinary Presentation, Vol. 4, Issue 17
Dear Etiquetteer: I work in a large office and hand out only wrapped candy. Why? Because there are coworkers who will run their hands through unwrapped candy, who will cough or sneeze on it ? in other words, they cannot help themselves from marking it with their germs. It seems almost unconscious. The challenge is when someone else puts out unwrapped food. How do I politely suggest that it is a bad idea? Of course I either decide that my immune system is up to fighting off the germs or not eat them. Dear Wrapped: Etiquetteer applauds your thoughtfulness in providing wrapped treats for your colleagues and clients. And while acknowledging the purity of your movites, Etiquetteer really must advise that criticizing your colleagues is not going to make a positive impression. Continue to decline politely anything offered that you don't care to eat for whatever reason. Dear Etiquetteer: When I entertain I sometimes want to keep the leftovers for future lunches. How do I handle the guest who either wants additional helpings at the time of the meal or to take some home with her? Last time one of the other guests offered her own leftovers to a hungry guest and suggested that she get seconds of the less expensive side dishes, which saved the day. Dear Pecked Hostess: Good heavens! Are you entertaining friends, family, or a plague of locusts?Asking for a doggie bag in a private home is just beyond the pale, if you ask Etiquetteer. Confronted with the request, however, Etiquetteer thinks it Perfectly Proper to decline with an apology that you need to make the pot roast, lobster bisque, macaroni, or whatever last to next Tuesday. You eliminate the problem altogether when you bring in prepared plates from the kitchen; this way your guests don't see that there's anything left over.
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Dear Etiquetteer: I recently hosted a meeting of my book group and provided refreshments that included Brie and crackers. I was astounded when one guest, the friend of a friend of one of our long-time members, used a cracker to slice/scoop up the soft Brie cheese instead of using the knife provided. Her fingers were covered with Brie after she repeated this act a few times and none of the other guests wanted to eat the cheese she had contaminated. I didn't know what to do. At the end of the evening I politely offered her the remaining Brie because she had enjoyed eating it all evening. She was delighted. Also, I had provided each guest with a small plate and napkin. This same guest chose not to use them and popped each Brie-covered cracker directly into her mouth. By the end of the evening her dark slacks were covered with white smears of Brie where she had wiped her hands and she left crumbs all over.I'd appreciate your advice on how I could have handled this situation more pro-actively. This guests' behavior was truly disgusting and distracting. In a few months I'll be asked to host the book group again. HELP! Dear Booked: Oh, beware the friends of friends! Take a tip from Rudyard Kipling, who told the tale in his story 'A Friend's Friend' of how a friend's acquaintance embarrassed himself (and everyone else) with a spectacular display of public drunkenness at a society ball. The Gentlemen had their revenge, however, by decorating his passed-out form with whipped cream, ham-frills, and other Victorian hors d'oeuvres before rolling him up into a carpet and throwing him onto a freight train. Don't you just love the English? They always know how to put one in one's place . . .Brie Woman already seems adept at decorating herself with food, more's the pity, so that approach is out. Really, Etiquetteer doesn't know why you bother; this sort of person is not the sort who understands what Polite Society means, and therefore should not be included. But, on to more practical solutions. Etiquetteer admires the way you finessed disposing of the pillaged Brie. It practically defines 'killing with kindness.' Next time your'e forced to entertain this person, you have Etiquetteer's full permission to say, 'Oh, here's the cheese knife, dear' when you see her aiming a cracker at the cheese; you may even offer to slice it for her. And when she begins wiping her hands on her slacks (ugh! just the thought makes Etiquetteer ill), go right ahead and hand her a napkin saying, 'Oh, don't muss your slacks! Here's a napkin, dear.' Her rejection of your care and attention will only redound on her. As a last resort, you might prepare individual plates of refreshments for each guest, so that everyone has their own delicate morsels to enjoy. It's more work, of course, but at least everyone would feel that their refreshments were safe from Brie Woman's cooties.
Weddings and Invitations, Vol. 4, Issue 16
Dear Etiquetteer: I just finished recommending etiquetteer.com to a friend who is planning her wedding and is looking for etiquette-related tips. As I was perusing the site, I came across your column from February, 2003, discussing reply cards for wedding invitations. When my wife and I sent out our wedding invitations, we did not include a reply card. Unfortunately, reply cards have become an expected part of a wedding invitation, and a rather significant number of our friends and relatives asked us, "You didn't include a reply card. How are we supposed to tell you that we're coming?" Our reply was some variant of "You just did. I'm delighted." Dear Uncarded: You are absolutely correct, as usual, and Etiquetteer could not agree more. What Etiquetteer has learned since then is that reply cards are necessary when they require more information than who’s coming. For bridal parties providing child care, you need a blank to know how many children to expect. For multiple entrée choices, you need multiple blanks (though Etiquetteer doesn’t really approve of giving a choice; the best entrée to serve is "Shut Up and Eat"). But when this sort of information is not required, a reply card is technically Not Perfectly Proper, because people are supposed to know that they respond in kind with a Proper Note.
Dear Etiquetteer: Who should be invited to wedding rehearsal dinners? If the answer is family, would that include great aunts (who are invited to the wedding)? Dear Rehearsed: Rehearsal dinners, traditionally held the night before the wedding and hosted by the parents of the groom, generally include the wedding party (attendants and clergy; musicians need not be invited unless personal friends). Technically it's given for the wedding party, but Etiquetteer thinks it Perfectly Proper and Very Hospitable to include out-of-town guests and extended family.But two other factors are at work here: the type of function and its size. Not all rehearsal dinners are dinners any more. This function can be anything the groom's family wants it to be, from a picnic to a black-tie dinner dance. Not to typecast anyone, but Etiquetteer can't see his own great-aunts (may they rest in peace) having much of a good time in a billiard hall, dive bar, or picnic ground. And generally rehearsal dinners are smaller than the weddings they precede, or verymuch larger. In other words, it's best not to be offended if you don't get invited.
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Dear Etiquetteer: My cousin, whom we shall call Gladys, is the youngest of a large, close family. Seven years ago, Gladys was married in a large, extravagant ceremony, with all family members in attendance. She had a large bridal party and wore a formal, white gown with a veil and chapel train.Sadly, that marriage ended in divorce. Gladys is now engaged and is planning to marry again. Much to my surprise, she is marrying just six weeks before my first wedding and, much to my further shock, is planning a large wedding with six attendants at a destination resort area. My query is twofold: Is it not somewhat inappropriate of Gladys to plan her wedding so very close to mine? And, is it not somewhat inappropriate of her to have such a large extravagant affair yet again? I cannot afford to travel to her wedding, as I am saving for my own. Further, I do not wish my family to suffer from "wedding burnout" by virtue of the fact that they are now subject to the expenses of two weddings within six weeks of one another. Dear First-Time Bride Second in Line: Etiquetteer always finds it so cute when brides think everyone should obey them and think about them first before making any decision whatsoever. Etiquetteer can just picture you, fluffy with rage that another bride has penetrated your Super Bridal Forcefield. Think of the dueling weather women in that terrible Japanese move Weather Woman (1995). Yikes!
Office Etiquette II, Vol. 4, Issue 15
Dear Etiquetteer: When talking with a colleague in my own work space, how can I tactfully say, "Can you stop talking now so I can get to my meeting on time?" or "Can you cut it short and get to the point, I've got to get back to work?" Dear Intruded: All of us are busy people and should not be embarrassed about keeping to our schedules during the work day. If you’re going to be late to a meeting, grab your notebook and stand up and say "I wish I could talk longer but I can’t be late for my meeting. Could we schedule a time to discuss this later?" This should make it your colleague’s responsibility to schedule an appointment.If you plan to stay in your office to continue work, the best way to end the conversation is still to stand up. Then apologize, always with a tone of Infinite Regret, that you have a deadline to fulfill but that you would love to chat later.
Dear Etiquetteer:Is there a kind way to ignore or address someone who keeps tooting their own horn or sounding like a broken record on something whether a complaint or positive thing?Dear, oh dear:It’s best not to go for the obvious "Oh yes, you mentioned that before, every day for the last month." Some noncommittal pleasantry – "Great!" "That’s too bad" – and then a hasty change of topic should get the message across.Dear Etiquetteer:Is it ok to listen to music in the office?Dear Musical:If you can listen to your music without anyone else having to listen to it, and you can still hear your phone when it rings, go right ahead. Etiquetteer promises not to inflict The Brazilian Recordings of Carmen Miranda on you if you promise not to inflict whatever that head-banging thrasher music is you favor on Etiquetteer.Dear Etiquetteer:What is the best way to answer the phone? Is it appropriate just to say, "[Insert Company Name Here.]" Shouldn't we all use our names so no matter who is calling, they know with whom they are speaking?Dear Phoned:Etiquetteer always answers the phone "[Insert Company Name Here], Etiquetteer." It’s brief, concise, and specific. And Etiquetteer answers the phone this way even when recognizing the phone number of the incoming caller. Nothing is so embarrassing as answering the phone with a big "Hello darling!" and finding out that, instead of the person you expected, it’s really the Company President or a Humorless Bigwig.
Dear Etiquetteer:What should we say, or not say, in public spaces? Our clients, volunteers, temp workers, etc. are everywhere and some conversations are better left not discussed in the reception area or in offices where folks are known to pop in.Dear Discreet:The late William Shakespeare used to say "Discretion is the better part of valor." And yet we all grow so safe in our office environments that we can occasionally let loose with a "Well, we’ve got to keep the old farts happy" without realizing that a meeting of old farts is taking place in the nearby conference room with the door open. Or you could, perhaps, use hair-curling profanity without knowing who’s around the corner. And it could be anyone, from the Chairman of the Board to your Most Conniving Colleague. As a general rule, if you find yourself dropping your voice to say something, you shouldn’t be saying it where you are.
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Dear Etiquetteer: We have a small conference room in our office suite. When having a meeting in the conference room, should the door be closed for every type of meeting or event? Dear Roomy: That depends on how much you want to asphyxiate the people attending the meeting; after all, hot air needs an outlet. Etiquetteer really recommends keeping the door shut as long as your office ventilation system permits, not only so that a meeting doesn’t disturb those working nearby, but so that the proceedings remain as confidential as possible.Dear Etiquetteer:With over 80% of people in our office in open cubicles, when is it appropriate to ask others to quiet down or talk elsewhere? What is TOO loud for an office? Dear Overheard:When you bleed from the ears, that’s a sign something is too loud. Rattling windows are usually a dead giveaway, too.And unfortunately, Etiquetteer will confess to being one of the worst offenders. Etiquetteer must tell you that he has been approached in office environments with the urgent but respectful request to keep it down because Etiquetteer’s personal volume has inhibited teleconferences, small meetings, and the concentration of others. If you can pretend embarrassment when making the request, you will give the impression that there’s no personal rancor.Speaking on behalf of Those of Us Who Are Too Loud – and you know who you are, and believe Etiquetteer, so does everyone else – we are really not trying to disrupt the World Order, we just forget how loud we are.
Office Etiquette I, Vol. 4, Issue 14
Dear Etiquetteer: Is it ok to be grumpy in the office? Let's face it, we are humans and have bad days, but how can we deal with people who are consistently grumpy, negative, stressed or difficult in which to interact? Dear Grumpy: One of Etiquetteer’s guiding principles about everyday manners is that no one cares about how you feel or what you want. They just don’t care. And yes, we all have bad days. But bad days come in degrees. You can have a bad day because the bus was late and overcrowded, because you lost a six-figure contract, or because a family emergency brought you to the hospital at 2:00 AM. The more we can realize that no one else cares about our troubles, the more we can keep them in perspective. This doesn’t mean we all have to be perky little Stepford wives, but it does mean we need to be professionally conscious of the emotions and atmosphere we project at the office.Dealing with grumpy colleagues – well, brevity is the soul of productivity. As much as possible, transact your business in the shortest amount of time. In meetings, you might neutralize someone’s Black Cloud of Need by brainstorming positive aspects or solutions to the issues at hand, or directing the conversation to other, more upbeat colleagues.
Dear Etiquetteer: When working at my desk, nice, amiable co-workers often approach me to stop by to chat for a few minutes. Normally this wouldn't seem like a problem; after all I love a good chat. However, because my desk is in a high-traffic zone this happens multiple times a day, and pretty soon those five-minute chats add up to some serious time that I could have used to get my work done. How can I politely let people know that although I enjoy a good chat I don't have the band-width to chat so frequently, and that it's not just them stopping by – it’s everyone?Dear Chatted:Always apologize that you don’t have the time to talk – not because your slave-driver boss is monitoring your workplace activities for slacking, but that you simply must complete your task at hand in a short period of time. Then turn back to your computer or pick up the phone. Thinking colleagues will realize that it’s not about them.
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Dear Etiquetteer: I hate when people hit reply to all when someone has e-mailed the office to say that they are going to be out of the office and then you get sucked into a warp of e-mails that have nothing to do with you. Dear Communicated: Etiquetteer could not agree with you more that people should pay more attention to whom they are e-mailing, and will illustrate with a true story – reported as part of a story on e-mail in court cases reported by the Boston Globe in 1997 – that involves video messaging, carelessness, and adultery. It seems two mid-level managers at a Great Big Company were having an affair, and had also been given laptops with built-in video cameras (along with all the other mid-level managers). Well, the female of the couple checked into a hotel for a conference, set up her laptop and, shall we say, made a very explicit invitation to her lover. She then sent it to 400 people employed by the Great Big Company, including her boss, her employees, and total strangers.This little story ought to prove that one should ALWAYS check the To: line of one's e-mail when replying to be sure one isn’t talking to the Whole Entire World. Your workplace may have a particular policy about communicating when you will be out of the office, but Etiquetteer continues to believe that the best way is to set an automatic e-mail response and to update your voicemail message