Random Issues, Vol. 15, Issue 10

It's been a long time since Etiquetteer did a column on Random Issues, and some readers have, with Delicious Irreverence, provided some interesting queries: Dear Etiquetteer:

Could you please address adopting local customs when traveling. When in New Orleans, how proper is it to return your breakfast diner waitress's greeting of "Hey, baby" in kind?

Dear Baby:

After the second coffee refill seems safest.

Dear Etiquetteer:

How do you handle office mates asking for donations?

Dear Unmoved:

With kid gloves that come nowhere near Etiquetteer's wallet, if you're really asking how to decline colleagues asking for donations. It's always possible to say, with a tone of Infinite Regret, "And it's such a good cause, too, but I have other charitable priorities right now." They don't need to know what that other priority is - indeed, it could be You Yourself - so don't volunteer the information.

Dear Etiquetteer: When the real estate agent arrives to show your house two hours late, and you've already scheduled the rest of your afternoon, what is best to do: order him off the stoop, or bow to his and his client's inability to pace their time properly?

Dear Intruded Upon:

Etiquetteer knows some lovely realtors, and has heard stories about the rest. Long story short, your time is just as valuable as theirs, and if they aren't able to adjust to your schedule, then they need to go back to the drawing board. Gently but firmly explain that visiting hours were determined in advance for a reason, and that no accommodation can be made at the last minute.

Dear Etiquetteer:

How about rainy day etiquette? Where to stash the umbrella, boots, and what-not.

Dear Rained Upon:

Umbrellas and boots go in the places provided for them, which one hopes are close to the entrance where one removes them. It's not always possible to unfurl an umbrella indoors to dry it, so it's especially thoughtful of homeowners to provide one of those marvelous umbrella stands that can hold about a quart of water if necessary.

Victorians always kept their whatnots in the corner, which is really the best place for them.

Dear Etiquetteer:

When one runs over a tourist during Mardi Gras in New Orleans, is it permissible to leave the dried tourist on the car until you can get to a car wash, or should it be washed away at once to prevent damage to the paint of one's car? I realize that this is more of a practical question, rather than an etiquette question, but I have always wondered . . .

Dear Laissez Les Autos Roulez:

It's queries like this that make Etiquetteer glad that New Orleans doesn't have an open carry law. But seriously . . .

Unless you want to be mistaken for a float in the parade representing Cemetery No. One, Etiquetteer advises immediate, respectful removal.

New Year's Eve, Vol. 1, Issue 29

This column was originally published December 30, 2002. The Old Year is about to pass from us, and Etiquetteer, chilling champagne and starching a shirtfront, feels compelled to share a few thoughts and instructions for New Year’s Eve, the most universal and accessible holiday of all.

Poor dear depressed Oscar Levant once said “Scratch the fake tinsel of Hollywood and you’ll find the real tinsel underneath.” Sadly, Etiquetteer knows many people who feel just that way about New Year’s Eve. A much-maligned occasion, many people dismiss it as a manufactured holiday meaning nothing and falsely glamorous. In a world that reveres Britney Spears, Abercrombie & Fitch, and game shows like “Russian Roulette,” Etiquetteer will take his glamour where he can find it, thank you very much!

Besides, New Year’s Eve is the one holiday that everyone on earth can celebrate together. All races, colors, creeds, and orientations use the same calendar to function in daily life, so why not bring us all together for a global occasion?! Etiquetteer thinks New Year’s Eve has the capacity to create world peace.

New York City has given the world the two most enduring versions of how New Year’s Eve is celebrated. While Guy Lombardo and his Royal Canadians syncopate in the ballroom of the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel for elegantly dressed and coiffed high society types swirling through a blaze of streamers, confetti, party hats and tiaras, the excitable masses squeeze themselves into Times Square, shrieking and waving at television cameras until the ball drops. Rowdiness is not unknown in either location -- Etiquetteer knows of one lady, now quite elderly, who lost her shoes one New Year’s Eve in Times Square, so compressed by the crowd was she -- and for many that enhances their enjoyment. Etiquetteer can only go figure.

But Etiquetteer will not hold you to the standard of Gotham, however glamorous it may be, to celebrate this Occasion. Make your own glamour in your own Perfectly Proper way! Whether you are gathered around the dinner table, concert stage, hot tub, pulpit, coffee maker, hookah, or piano, spend this holiday with people you care for deeply. More than all the tenacious gift-giving of Christmas, tonight is a night to remind the people you love how special they’ve been to you in the past year. Which, if you pay attention, is what the lyrics of “Auld Lang Syne” are all about. That’s why it’s sung at midnight.

And you had best stay up until midnight to sing it! Etiquetteer doesn’t care if you go to bed at exactly 12:00:30, but the point of New Year’s Eve is participating at the exact second the Old Year passes. Ringing in the New Year at 7:00 PM just because it's midnight somewhere in the world doesn't cut it; if it's not midnight where you are, it just isn't midnight.

And please, dress appropriately. If you're cavorting with the rabble in Times Square, combat gear will protect your person from the weather and God knows what else. Otherwise, believe it or not, black tie is not required - check with your hostess first.

That said, Etiquetteer dearly wants you to break out a tiara for the evening whatever you’re wearing (even if it’s nothing at all in the hot tub). “I do not pretend to understand,” says Uncle Paxton in Clemence Dane’s delightful novel The Flower Girls, “why tiaras should make so much difference to my enjoyment of the evening, but they did. Certain objects are romantic on their own account. A tiara is one of them.” Whether you rush to the vault for the diamonds or the drugstore for the foil-coated cardboard, tonight is the night for this un-American but oh-so-much-fun accessory.

And now, should auld acquaintance be forgot, Etiquetteer fondly and sincerely wishes you a New Year of Peace, Prosperity, and Perfect Propriety.

Renee Fleming and the National Anthem, Vol. 13, Issue 14

Etiquetteer was so very pleased to hear earlier this month that soprano Renee Fleming would be singing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl this year. Etiquetteer has become increasingly dismayed at the histrionics displayed by Popular Singers every year in their "interpretations" of the venerable "Star-Spangled Banner." The National Anthem, like the White House, doesn't need to be anything but itself. Just as the former doesn't need to be gussied up with novelty lighting for state dinners, neither does the National Anthem need to be burdened with emotional embellishments. Because the most important guideline for any singer singing the National Anthem at a public event is to keep it simple enough for everyone singing along to do so without getting lost.

Madame Fleming acquitted herself, and the nation, admirably with her interpretation. Her one departure from the traditional arrangement, that extra-high note at the end, was delivered with such purity and with such harmony with everyone else doing their best to hit that one high note at the end, that Etiquetteer could only shed one patriotic tear and then start preparing an income tax return. While recognizing that this is a subjective opinion, Etiquetteer truly believes that public singers should be shown this arrangement before singing the National Anthem publicly, along with that of the late Kate Smith. Call Etiquetteer old-fashioned and sentimental if you will - they are medals Etiquetteer wears with pride - but Miss Smith's arrangement remains the definitive.

St. Patrick's Day, Vol 11, Issue 7

Today is St. Patrick's Day, when everyone can claim to be Irish. Perfect Propriety takes a bigger hit on St. Patrick's Day than any other day in the American calendar, what with so many people using its parades and whatnot as a cover for Excess Alcohol Consumption. Etiquetteer has a few observations to make:

• Mixed greens are suitable for a salad, but not your St. Patrick's Day "Wearin' of the Green." Please don't wear clashing shades of green. Kelly, olive, chartreuse, and day-glo look vile together. Remember, only blue-greens with blue-greens, and yellow-greens with yellow-greens.

• In the last 30 years St. Patrick's Day has become a forum for homophobia in some communities. So let us not forget that it was the late Oscar Wilde who made the green carnation boutonniere a symbol for men of "the Wilde sort." "That sort" can now wear their carnations with a difference.

• As the child of a Southern community with no Irish heritage, Etiquetteer grew up with only two St. Patrick's Day traditions: 1) wear green, and 2) pinch people who are not wearing green. And yet the tradition of pinching is unknown in certain Irish-American communities. If you're determined to go around pinching the greenless on St. Patrick's Day, remember that it's all in fun! Don't inflict pain, and don't let that be your purpose.

• It's been suggested that the Irish should be exempt from pinching. Etiquetteer suggests that Irish who forget to wear green on St. Patrick's Day should be pinched twice.

• If you're not wearing green, do not claim that you have on green undergarments. This is only an invitation for Rude Questions to prove your honesty, and quite possibly an Indecent Assault. (Of course, if that's what you really want, Etiquetteer has to wonder why you're even reading an etiquette column in the first place.)

• Etiquetteer was taught early on, once moving North, that the only thing one must not do on St. Patrick's Day is wear orange. In some communities such attire is an invitation to violence. Etiquetteer hopes all the Syracuse University alumni will be safe today.

Finally, Public Drunkenness is overrated, and it is certainly not Perfectly Proper. Please drink with Perfect Propriety this St. Patrick's Day by obeying all local laws and law enforcement.

More Party Questions, Vol. 4, Issue 26

Dear Etiquetteer: While attending a recent public celebration/street party I was perplexed by the following situation. As I finished my beverage, I looked around for a proper recycling receptacle for my can. I spied one close by and noticed an elderly street person hovering over it. Nearby was her shopping cart, filled to the brim with cans. As I watched further, I noticed her occasionally bending over and poking through the trash looking for fresh five-cent gems. I thought, what is the appropriate thing to do? Do I walk over and hand the can to her? Do I wait for her to be distracted and throw the can in? Or, do I throw it into the receptacle while she is watching so that she is aware that a fresh gem is waiting to be added to her collection?Dear Canning:Etiquetteer certainly understands your reluctance to engage in face-to-face communications with street people. Many sane people have been forced from the security of a home onto the streets by tragic circumstances. But one frequently sees the more, uh, shall we say reality-challenged street person instead, anxious to ask you to write to the President about legislation to prevent drivers from honking their horns between 3:00 and 4:00 AM on residential streets where dyslexics live. While one pities their condition, of course, one usually doesn’t want to engage them individually.Ask yourself what sort of street person this "canner" is. If they pass your Impromptu Street Sanity Test, by all means smilingly hand him or her your can. Please do so frankly and pleasantly, without any hint of condescension. Remember, we are all Americans and are therefore created equal.Otherwise, if the street person appears to be "a few cans short of a twelve-pack," Etiquetteer would encourage you to a) find another receptacle, or b) dispose of it as surrepetiously as possible without that person noticing. Dear Etiquetteer: I am another denizen of cubicles whose work group has seen fit to overcome the calf-pen atmosphere by throwing birthday soirees. These gatherings involve everyone getting up and joining the crowd in the center of the room, where the birthday person is summoned for a "meeting" and must feign surprise at the sight of cake and a communally signed card.The gesture is intended to be thoughtful, but I found myself on the receiving end of just such a party when I happened to be under the weather. I had made it plain earlier in the day to the person supplying the cake that everyone should enjoy without me, but found myself dragged out at cake time nonetheless. Because I was not partaking of cake, I stayed briefly, explaining that I didn't feel well and that people should help themselves. I then departed to my cubicle to complete some work tasks that needed my attention; the party went on without me.Was there some more gracious way of handling the situation? I do owe the cake-bringer an apology; she went to the trouble of bringing something in for me. But not feeling well aside, what is the statute of limitations on how much time one must spend gabbing to coworkers on the company dime, for the sake of team spirit?Love your column. May you be frequently linked and prosper. Dear Caked: The real question here is, how can a guest of honor at a surprise birthday party cut short one’s appearance without showing disrespect to fellow colleagues who only want to celebrate one’s special day? Etiquetteer’s answer, you will not be surprised to learn, is that it’s nearly impossible. Hearing you plead ill health, Etiquetteer’s first reaction is to ask what you were doing at the office that day anyway. At a work party such as the one you describe, Etiquetteer thinks that only a work excuse is appropriate. Your hasty retreat would have been more understandable had you pleaded the advancing deadlines of the projects you mentioned, of which surely some of your other colleagues would be aware – especially since everyone in a cube farm knows a lot more about everyone else’s business than they ought to. Otherwise, it’s best to grin and bear it, or at least stay home if you’re really sick. Find yourself at a manners crossroads and don't know where to go? Ask Etiquetteer at query@etiquetteer.com! Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify@etiquetteer.com.