How Not to Tip, Vol. 13, Issue 36

First of all, Etiquetteer is writing about restaurant tipping only, and not the myriad of other service industries in which tipping is conducted. Let's establish that Etiquetteer has never been a fan of tipping. It is, however, the prevailing system in the restaurant industry, and regardless of how widely it's disliked, it isn't going away anytime soon. This means adapting to the prevailing tipping system of 15-20% of the total bill, depending on who you talk to. (Etiquetteer says 15%; other writers, and almost all restaurant server blogs, say 20%.) This also means tipping on the full amount of the bill if you are using a discount, coupon, or gift card. It is considered a kindness, when paying by credit card, to tip in cash so that the staff don't have to claim it separately when their shifts are over.

Bad service is the most legitimate reason not to tip fully, or not to tip at all. Etiquetteer encourages you not to be petty over brief delays in service - well, really, Etiquetteer encourages you not to be petty. Now if a waiter forgets an entire order for a member of your party (and this has happened to Etiquetteer), if a waiter spills a strawberry margarita on your head, etc., then you have sufficient grounds. Etiquetteer acknowledges that bad service happens, and that there are waiters and waitresses (Etiquetteer dislikes the term "server," but recognizes that that is an individual choice) who consistently perform poorly. Before tipping less than the standard percentage, consider also the circumstances. If the restaurant is full to bursting (think New York Saturday nights before the theatre, or Sunday anywhere after church - see below), delays in service are understandable; allowances must be made.

Quite possibly the worst, and certainly the most offensive, excuse not to leave a tip is proselytizing. Recently Etiquetteer discovered Sundays Are the Worst, a heart-breaking and angering blog about how poorly a segment of those who profess Christianity treat those who serve them. Pastor Chad Roberts and his congregation have created what might be the most innovative way ever to minister to a community in need; read how it came about here. Etiquetteer could spit tacks at some of the behavior exhibited - so much so that readers will have to peruse for themselves rather than read examples here. The Word of God may feed the soul, but it doesn't sustain our bodies as well as those who leave tracts instead of tips might light to think.

It's also worth pointing out that in a nation in which All Are Created Equal, it ill becomes anyone of any religion to behave as though they are "better" than anyone serving them. This doesn't mean that we all have become Best Friends Forever with those serving us, but it does mean acknowledging our Common Humanity.

Holiday Gift-Giving and Money, Vol. 12, Issue 13

Dear Etiquetteer: I take my god daughter and her brother to [Insert Large Traditional Holiday Entertainment Here] every year. Their parents come, but their tickets are not part of my gift. Last year they gave me a check for their own tickets. This year they did not. Is there a polite way to ask for the check, or am I [Insert Euphemism Here]?

Dear Godfather:

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year always reveals that Absentmindedness is the true Gift That Keeps on Giving. It's always more Perfectly Proper to assume Absentmindedness in such cases, rather than Malice or Cheapness. It's possible that you could introduce the topic with the parents by claiming the absentmindedness was yours rather than theirs, such as "In the excitement of taking Ethelred and Ethelredina to [Insert Large Traditional Holiday Entertainment Here] I did not remember to get your check. Would you mind awfully sending it to me? I do enjoy making this possible for the children!"

Etiquetteer must caution against the Worst-Case Scenario, in which the parents respond that they had no idea they had to pay for their tickets this year. Etiquetteer hopes you specified that in the invitation, but no one wants Max Fabyan hollering "Dees ees for lawyers to talk about!" as part of what is supposed to be a Happy Time. If they do, in the interests of Harmony, it might be best to drop it - but to be careful to specify it in invitations for all subsequent years.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I usually tip my cleaning lady the amount of a regular cleaning at Christmas. This year she will be cleaning the week after Thanksgiving and just before New Year. So, do I give it to her on early or late December. I am FIRMLY opposed to holiday creep, but . . .

Dear Householder:

Tip on your regular schedule. While the holiday cleaning is beginning earlier in your household this year, it's still ending at the same time.

Tomorrow night, Monday, December 9, Etiquetteer will a festive celebration of the anniversary of Prohibition's Repeal at The Gibson House Museum in Boston, including a few brief remarks on the Culture of Alcohol Concealment that Prohibition helped foster. It will be an amusing time!

Tipping and Panhandling, Vol. 12, Issue 16

Dear Etiquetteer: I had an ethical quandary today. I was hawking programs at Fenway Park. A man was begging for money next to me. He was in a wheelchair. He was conversant and friendly with people. He offered to buy a program from me for $2. I obliged.

When I finished my shift, I gave him a dollar. It was actually a dollar I had received as a tip.

Was this right? Was this ethical?

PS. I'm submitting this to the NY Times Magazine as a question, too.

Dear Hawking:

Etiquetteer considers that you were acting in two capacities, professional and personal. Had you not waited until the end of your shift to assist this man, it would have given the appearance that your largesse was, in fact, that of your employer.

The purchase of a $2 baseball program by a panhandler might be considered extravagant on his part, but he may have considered it expedient to ensure your goodwill during your time together outside the ballpark. (Etiquetteer can only imagine the difficulties he and others face.) Was it right/ethical of you to sell him that program? Absolutely! That's the job your employer has hired you to do, and it isn't Perfectly Proper to inquire into the circumstances of your customers - even when they're paraded in front of you. In other words, they aren't your programs to give away.

But your tips are your own to dispose of as you wish, on yourself, or to share with others.

Etiquetteer will be interested to read what the Times has to say, too!

Restaurant Closing Times, Vol. 12, Issue 3

Dear Etiquetteer: How long prior to a food establishment’s posted closing time is a reasonable minimum to expect to be able to arrive?  For instance, if the closing time is 9:30 pm, should one feel comfortable arriving at 9:15, expecting to be seated and served?  Then how long after that posted closing time is acceptable time to linger?

Is there any difference in the etiquette based on the type of establishment?  Fine dining will likely be a time consuming affair with many courses.  Casual dining establishments will likely have a shorter turnover time, but still involve seated service. Counter service places like coffee shops, have a percentage of patrons who sit and enjoy their purchases and their books/papers/homework/web-surfing/chatting with friends, while others purchase and go.  Do these difference in service styles make a difference to the way in which a patron should observe the posted closing time, and the service they should expect to receive?

Thanks much for your thoughts on the matter.

Dear Hastened:

Your query made Etiquetteer wonder if you still have a bruise on your coccyx from the doorknob hitting you on the way out.

Two competing considerations work against each other here: consideration for diners to be able to enjoy their meal, and consideration for the staff who cannot finish their work (closing the restaurant) and go home until all diners have left the restaurant. Etiquetteer believes that any diner who finds the door to a restaurant open should be able to expect a restaurant's full service. But diners arriving at such a time that they can expect still to be dining after closing time show courtesy to the staff by ordering decisively and not dawdling over coffee or paying the bill. Restaurateurs eager not to pay staff overtime would do well to lock the door against late arrivals, opening it only to allow departing patrons to exit.

You are correct that how this is handled is guided by the style of service provided, although courtesy is the common thread among each. White-tablecloth restaurants with extensive wine lists can't really expect to rush patrons through a dinner that extends well past closing time. They can manage this by not accepting reservations, or walk-in diners, after a certain time. For instance, if a restaurant's posted closing time is 11:00 PM, they can decline to accept reservations after 10:00 PM. Casual restaurants should do the same, but may also emphasize closing time when greeting late arrivals ("We're closing in ten minutes.") Sometimes restaurants make it clear that service is reduced before closing; Etiquetteer knows one popular pub that makes it clear on the menu "Only pizza after 10:00 PM." In a coffee shop or diner, Etiquetteer sees no discourtesy in a general announcement made by the manager "Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be closing in ten minutes." Young Etiquetteer briefly worked for a Popular Doughnut Chain many years ago, and for the closing shift this announcement might have been made individually.

Not long ago Etiquetteer joined a party of five arriving at a popular Chinese restaurant five minutes before its closing time. To its credit, the party was ready to order almost as soon as it was seated. But conversation  captured the enthusiasm of the party more than the excellent cuisine. The staff, not eager to stay later than necessary after a long day, made a point by beginning closing the dining room about 15 minutes after dinner had been served. They stacked chairs at other tables and brought out the vacuum cleaner, beginning closest to Etiquetteer's table. Given that the total bill for a party of five, including tip, would not have reached three figures, Etiquetteer can't fault the staff . . . but would have wished for five more minutes of vacuum-free dining.

Speaking of not dawdling over paying the bill, Etiquetteer was both interested and dismayed to read this article about restaurant technology. Etiquetteer does not like to think such applications are necessary because public education should at least provide enough knowledge of math to manage splitting a restaurant check, and because Etiquetteer finds that the longer a party parses a check, the less joyously the occasion is remembered.

Etiquetteer would absolutely love to hear your own queries about Perfect Propriety! Please send them to queries_at_etiquetteer.com.

The Signs of 2009: An Etiquetteer Photo Essay, Vol. 9, Issue 1

To ring in the New Year, Etiquetteer returns to the Old, Anno Domini MMIX, and some signs of varying Perfect Propriety. First we have a couple signs from a flea market in Newfane, Vermont:

This should be everyone's guiding maxim every day, but for behavior, not spelling.

Etiquetteer doesn't know how many places you have been to where a "Post No Weapons" sign has been in evidence. For Etiquetteer the last time might have been 1981, at a Detroit cinema for a screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Then this gem turned up at a cemetery in Vermont:

Etiquetteer could not agree more. Nothing brings down the tone of one's grief more than faded, cracked, and flaking plastic flowers.

Anno Domini MMIX also saw the rise of swine flu, also known as the Bad Piggies, H1N1, or Heinie Flu. This led to all sorts of extravagant signage, such as this:

Seen at the Interlochen Center for the Arts, Interlochen, Michigan.

Issues of public hygiene then lead Etiquetteer to these two notices from a Boston church bathroom:

These notices were certainly a surprise to Etiquetteer! But it turns out that the church in question ministers a great deal to the homeless and indigent, for whom such instruction is sometimes necessary.

Then we come to the issue of tipping:

Seen at a restaurant in Lake Charles, Louisiana, one in which you have to order your food at a counter and then have it brought to you. A healthy debate ensued over whether or not the waiters and waitresses had to work as hard as those who take orders tableside as well.

Finally, two signs from businesses in Greater Boston who seek more Perfect Propriety from their customers:

Rosie's Bakery, Inman Square

Leavitt & Peirce, Harvard Square

Etiquetteer could certainly not agree more with this brisk sentiment!

And with that, Etiquetteer bids you a hearty Happy New Year! Your future etiquette queries are eagerly welcomed at queries_at_etiquetteer_dot_com.

Tipping, Vol. 7, Issue 11

Dear Etiquetteer: I went to a concert last night at [Insert Name of Popular New England Concert Hall Here] and tipped my usherette $2. She seemed very surprised. Is tipping ushers/usherettes at concerts or at the opera still appropriate? Thank you.Dear Tippety Tip Tip:Etiquetteer believes the custom of tipping an usher for showing one to one’s seat did not cross the Atlantic from Europe to the New World. While Etiquetteer has never known this to take place in the United States, reference has been made to it on the “other side,” particularly Paris. Etiquetteer’s beloved Cornelia Otis Skinner writes about the “harpies” or “vultures” she had to tip at the Comédie Française during the 1920s in her delicious memoir Our Hearts Were Young and Gay. (While for decades ushering in the United States was a profession only for men, in France it seems to have fallen exclusively into the province of women.) And in the 1936 film version of Camille, sharp-eyed viewers will notice the resigned shrug of the lady usher when handed an inadequate tip by the Baron de Varville. So if you’re left of the Atlantic, by all means tip your attendant. And if on the right, keep your two dollars handy for the coat check.Lawsuits related to tipping have made the news quite a bit in 2008 already. Starbucks lost a class-action lawsuit by baristas who had to share their tips with shift supervisors. American Airlines lost another class-action lawsuit brought by skycaps who were deprived of significant income when the airline began charging $2.00 to check a bag curbside, but didn’t explain that it wasn’t a tip. Unfortunately for the skycaps, American Airlines has now posted signs at Logan Airport, Boston, that tipping is prohibited.Etiquetteer deplores tipping anyway, but is disgusted by management “skimming” tips from employees who are often underpaid. As long as tipping has to be part of the American economy, it might at least be transacted honestly. And related to that, Etiquetteer was surprised to hear from waiters and waitresses how often they have to claim tips given on credit cards, and how often tips are “pooled:” shared equally among all waiters and waitresses on a shift, whether they’re any good or not. If you want to be sure that a superior waiter or waitress is completely tipped, please tip in cash.

More Random Issues, Vol. 6, Issue 15

Dear Etiquetteer: I need your guidance. A cousin of mine, with triplets, works two jobs (one of which is as a waiter at a local restaurant) while his wife stays at home with the kids. Money is tight for them. I just received from them a gift certificate large enough to cover a lovely dinner for two at my cousin's restaurant with a little note that he is always there waiting on table on Saturday nights. I have no trouble with the hint that I should dine on a Saturday night. My quandary is, if he is my waiter that evening, does one tip the waiter/donor when the account is tallied? Dear Diner: How does one tip one’s host? Such an interesting query. If your cousin was entertaining you in his own home, tipping would be out of the question. Were your cousin the owner of the restaurant, and waiting on your table, tipping would again be unthinkable. But in this case – in which one’s benefactor is also an employee – Etiquetteer thinks one would tip as one ordinarily does when the service has been exceptionally good. Etiquetteer knows how very much waiters depend on tips to supplement their meager salaries, and Etiquetteer finds it too great an extension of your "host’s" hospitality to omit a gratuity. And if you really found everything to your liking, you could send a little basket of edible treats to your cousin’s home the next day, to return the hospitality of their gift certificate . . . and make a reservation at the restaurant for another Saturday night. Dear Etiquetteer:My mother, who works at a local college, has an antisocial boss who turns around when he sees her coming in his direction, so he doesn't have to say hello. Last week, she and her colleagues received this missive. I'd love to have your expert take on this latest social anomaly. By the way, he is loathe to meet face-to-face. As to handwritten notes, do octopi fly?P.S. Grammatical errors and typos in letter (sic). In an effort to reduce the amount of e-mail I generate, effective today, I'mgoing to experiment eliminating most, if not all, "thank you" messages.In lieu of these, I'll try:* assuming you understand that I always appreciate your good work* picking up the phone and thanking you* thanking you in person as we meet face-to-face in a meeting or on campus* sending you a handwritten thank-you note Basically, I wanted to to know that I appreciate all you're doing for [Insert Name of Local College Here] despite you're not necessarily receiving a "well done" e-mail message from me to clog your inbox. Dear Skeptical: At first glance, Etiquetteer has to wonder why this man was put into a supervisory position. So often in academia, and even in large corporations, the only way talented people can advance is by becoming supervisors. But talented people are not always effective supervisors, which leads to communications problems like this. Surprisingly, Etiquetteer likes the idea of reducing the amount of e-mail going around, but it is never good form to assume that one’s employees "know" one thinks highly of their work. Etiquetteer wishes your mother’s employer had just started writing Lovely Notes to thank employees without this clumsy e-mail announcement. As it is, those Lovely Notes had better be extra lovely and he’d better not be seen dodging his staff, as your mother has witnessed, to keep from talking to them. Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify <at> etiquetteer.com.

Restaurant and Random Issues, Vol. 6, Issue 2

Dear Etiquetteer: Recently at a Fine Dining Establishment we were told that there was no room to accommodate our party. As we were putting on our coats one of the waiters came past, who turned out to be a social acquaintance, and asked if we were having lunch there. We said we had hoped to, and explained the predicament while continuing to put on our coats. "Wait a moment." he said, and shortly we were squeezed into a cozy but otherwise charming table for a delicious lunch. Though he was not our waiter, I did thank him afterwards and slipped him a tip, since I felt he had acted in a professional capacity as much as in a social capacity. Was this proper? When is it proper to tip friends or acquaintances, and how much is appropriate when indirect service is rendered? Dear Well Led and Well Fed: Interacting with personal friends working as service personnel does sometimes feel tricky. When friends do each other favors, they respond in kind with another favor or a Token of Gratitude, not Cold Hard Cash. But Etiquetteer thinks you acted correctly in slipping a consideration to your waiter/acquaintance because of his position in the restaurant. Had he waited on your table, you would have tipped him as you would any other. Dear Etiquetteer: My wife and I were out to dinner with friends not too long ago, and I started the meal with a delicious crab bisque. As I got down near the bottom, I tilted the bowl toward me to get to the last of the soup, and my wife nudged me to stop. And, she added, I should be pushing my spoon away from me rather than pulling it towards me. Was I wrong to tilt the bowl, and is that idea of spooning away from your body real etiquette or merely an old wives tale? Dear Spooning: Etiquetteer hates to tell you, but your wife is correct. Etiquetteer’s Beloved Grandmother even had a rhyme about it: something something "Like little ships that sail to sea/I tip my spoon away from me." Etiquetteer believes that you have less of a chance of slopping a bowl of soup on you if it's facing the other direction. So when getting down to those last excellent drops of crab bisque, please tip your bowl and spoon toward the table. Etiquetteer hopes Your Lovely Wife didn't correct you verbally before people, which is certainly not Perfectly Proper. Nothing more than a raised eyebrow or gentle nudge should be required. Dear Etiquetteer: How do you address an envelope for a thank-you note if the wife is a doctor? Mr. and Mrs. John Doe seems right. Mr. and Dr. John Doe doesn’t seem right. But I'm open to suggestion. Dear Corresponding: That’s good, because ignoring a lady’s professional title is a bad idea. Put Dr. Jane Doe on the first line and Mr. John Doe on the second line. Please note that these are in alphabetical order; if they had different last names, they'd be in alphabetical order regardless of gender, e.g. Dr. Jane Adler/Mr. John Doe. Dear Etiquetteer: This came up with my wife, and then a few days later in a conversation with another couple. What is the proper etiquette for a man and a woman approaching a revolving door? I thought the man should go first. My friend proposed that, if the door is already moving, the woman should go first, otherwise, the man should go first. Dear Revolving: This is really a question of safety and chivalry. The gentleman goes first to keep the door from speeding out of control, thereby knocking to her knees some poor lady in spike heels or platform shoes. It doesn’t matter whether or not the door is already moving. Gentlemen similarly go in front of ladies when descending staircases or getting out of buses. Dear Etiquetteer: President Ford’s funeral was over a week ago. How come all the flags are still at half-staff? Dear Flagging: Because the period of official of mourning set by President Bush is 30 days from the date of death of President Ford. The Flag Code indicates that this is established by the President of the United States by proclamation at the time. You may find the President’s proclamation here. While researching this, Etiquetteer also found out that when one raises the flag when it’s supposed to be at half-staff, one must first raise the flag all the way to the top of the staff and then lower it halfway down the flagpole. For two years in elementary school Etiquetteer got stuck with . . . uh, gladly took on the duty of raising and lowering the flag at school each day and understood that half-staff only meant one flag-length from the top of the flagpole. What a relief to find out what True Perfect Propriety is now. Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify <at> etiquetteer.com.

Holiday Tipping and Baby Showers, Vol. 4, Issue 51

Dear Etiquetteer:I recently moved to a new apartment. Unlike my last living situation, this is an apartment building with someone at the front desk 24 hours a day, maintenance staff, and a building manager. Since I have never lived in a building with staff in all my years of existence, I have no idea about proper tipping during the holiday season.Not that it is important, but we're not talking a doorman with a hat and epaulets, who will call me a cab; the round-the-clock staff is more security focused.Dear Tipping:Etiquetteer congratulates you on your move and commends you on your thoughtfulness for those employed in your new home. Indeed, your query raised many happy memories of Etiquetteer’s days as a concierge in a condominium of some 100 residences. Christmastime invariably saw many discreet presentations of gifts at the front desk, from bottles of wine to books (from the people who really knew what Etiquetteer liked) to home-baked cookies. And, of course, cash. Cash is always the most Perfectly Proper gift in this situation. Etiquetteer strongly encourages you to get those gift envelopes with the oval cut out so you can see the president’s face on the bill, and to have a crisp new bill in the envelope. Etiquetteer has no idea how many people are on the staff of your building, but encourages you to remember as many as possible. Start with the building manager, continue with the staff with whom you interact most, and then the remainder. Please don’t forget the late shift, who rarely gets to see everyone in the building unless there’s a fire alarm.To Etiquetteer, a minimum cash gift of $10 seems appropriate for the holidays; less than that might appear cheap. So if your budget is less than $10 per person, Etiquetteer thinks a gift (perhaps chocolates) will be received in the proper spirit.You do not have to present each staff member his or her envelope or gift personally; if you wish, hand everything to the manager, who will distribute accordingly. Just please don’t bake a fruitcake, wrap it in tin foil, and send it down in the elevator. Dear Etiquetteer:Two of my close friends are getting married next month. This grand move was precipitated by the fact that the bride is pregnant, although they did plan to tie the knot anyway.Being the quintessential hostess myself, I've undertaken to throw the shower. However, what I had in mind was to have one shower to honor both events, the wedding and the birth, but keeping the theme generic (a spa getaway) so that neither is emphasized more.This is mainly for budgetary reasons, but also due to logistics. The bride may be relocating soon and it'd just be the same eight people (who are not all friends) getting together in another two months to do pretty much the same thing all over again.I'm told it's improper, and that it's poor etiquette. But I'm pigheaded, ‘cause I think my ideas are cute (I'm calling it "Pamper yourself!"). Please let me know if it is truly a bad idea. Thank you.Dear Pigheaded:Permit Etiquetteer to agree with your self-assessment. Now let’s discuss why.Etiquetteer adores a theme party, but in this case encourages you to consider something that will be more useful and less embarrassing to your friends. Etiquetteer’s late great-grandmother Houska used to say, "The first one comes anytime. The rest take nine months." Even though more and more people are not even bothering to get married before having children, it’s still the height of Bad Taste to underline the situation by combining a bridal and baby shower.Whose budget are you thinking about: yours as the hostess, or the honoree’s, who will soon have another mouth to feed and a bottom to diaper? While Etiquetteer acknowledges the cuteness of your "Pamper yourself!" shower idea, isn’t it the new baby the honorees will have to be pampering soon? Etiquetteer doesn’t know the circumstances of the expectant bride, but imagines that a spa getaway might be less useful than traditional baby shower gifts. Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify@etiquetteer.com.

More on Entertaining, Vol. 4, Issue 45

Etiquetteer has not failed to notice a disconnect between organizers of huge black-tie fund-raisers and those to attend them. Organizers are intent on raising money for the their organizations in as many different ways as possible (no kidding), communicating their message effectively, and adding little touches to make the evening special. Almost invariably attendees merely want to get a tax deduction for the chance to put on a tuxedo or a fabulous dinner gown (since almost no one they know can afford to throw that sort of party privately) and have a good time with their friends.This brings us to the recent Human Rights Campaign Dinner. May the Deity of Your Choice bless keynote speaker Rev. Peter Gomes, who really nailed it on the head when he said something like "You’ve all paid a lot of money for a mediocre dinner which will include speeches you proceed to talk through." Sorry to say, that’s almost exactly what happened since the gabble of the glitterati could not be escaped without refugeeing to the silent auction. Etiquetteer was particularly disappointed with the disrespect shown to the Boston Gay Men’s Chorus, whose serenades during the salad course were loudly ignored by about 80% of the room. But Etiquetteer cannot lay the blame solely on the dinner guests. The organizers must be faulted for scheduling anything to which anyone has to pay attention during the first course. Everyone is still getting settled at their tables, meeting their tablemates, flagging waiters to request more wine, salad dressing, rolls, etc. They emphatically do not want to sit silently through a speech or a performance until at least halfway through the entrée, and that’s just all there is to it. At the public dinners of yore all the speeches came at the end with the dessert course; perhaps Etiquetteer is just naïve, but it seemed like a sound system then and would bear repeating now. Until that happy day is restored to us, however, for the Deity of Your Choice’s sake above, shut up during the singing! Dear Etiquetteer:What an interesting answer you gave a week or so ago about the ticket bar and tipping. Down here we have those same problems, so here goes: If you are the guest of honor at an affair given at the home of the host, does one offer a tip to be shared by the temp help? Secondly, as hosts, we must often use valets for parking. As guests, do we tip?Dear Tippi:Egad, Etiquetteer’ favorite issue: tipping. So un-American, and yet so part of American life. The only time a houseguest tips one’s host’s staff is when one is staying overnight. Tipping staff at a dinner party in a private home is Absolutely Improper, and Etiquetteer includes valets in that as well. A gratuity, frequently disguised as a "service charge," will already be in the contract negotiated by the hosts and the caterers and the parking company. Aside from that, hosts should not be passing to their guests the opportunity to pay for the entertainment which they’ve been invited to enjoy. Dear Etiquetteer:OK, Etiquetteer, what about this: polemical, provocative bumper stickers: rude or a citizen's right and obligation to speak out?Dear In Your Face:Etiquetteer would say both. Etiquetteer adores free speech and deplores attempts to stifle it (for instance, branding anyone who speaks out against the war in Iraq as traitors). On the other hand, Etiquetteer frequently wishes that those exercising free speech a) had something to say and b) could say it with more wit and much less anger. Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify@etiquetteer.com.

Gallantry and Tipping, Vol. 4, Issue 24

Dear Etiquetteer: I was recently in a situation where my sister, a married lady, was at a family event in a club and was unaccompanied by her husband. My mother came up to me and asked me to buy my sister a soft drink from the bar. It was not a problem and I was happy to do this; I get on well with my mom and sister. But it was an odd request. My mother later related that it is inappropriate for a married woman to approach a bar and buy a drink sans husband. Have I missed the memo? Haven't we progressed to the 21st century? This reeks of all those bad Taliban stories we read about in the papers with women embargoed from all aspects of life. I just don't get it. Perhaps I should keep a cape handy in case a woman needs to perambulate over some mud. Dear Gallant Family Man: Perhaps you should just get over it and listen to your mother. Etiquetteer adores your mother and can’t wait to take her to lunch. She understands that we have progressed into the 21st century in every way but gossip, and that a matron has to protect her reputation. Etiquetteer thanks you for accommodating her request, even while doubting the reasoning behind it. You have helped to prove that Chivalry isn’t dead yet. By the way, Etiquetteer has always been fond of big Inverness capes and opera cloaks, but alas, they look out of place unless you’re tramping the moors or taking in La Traviata. Dear Etiquetteer: Do you tip your housecleaner? Is there a certain percentage that one tips each time? or at holiday time? Do you know anything about the etiquette of this?OK, so that was four questions. I would have answered: no, I don't tip the housecleaner. She's doing a job, she's getting paid cash. I figure that's tip in and of itself, since she's not claiming it on her taxes! As for holidays, I would consider the equivalent of a weekly fee as "tip". But, I'd much rather get the most proper response from dear Etiquetteer! Dear Lady Bountiful: Etiquetteer has said before that one’s housemaid or housekeeper (the term "housecleaner" sounds like a detergent to Etiquetteer: "New and Improved Housecleaner, now with Scrubbing Acid for those Tough Stains"), along with any other domestic staff, should be tipped at the end of the year (you can go back here for all the details). It’s certainly not necessary to tip her each week, but if some special, extra service is performed (cleaning up after a party of marauding yaks or frat boys, for instance) an additional gratuity is Perfectly Proper. Find yourself at a manners crossroads and don't know where to go? Ask Etiquetteer at query@etiquetteer.com! Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify@etiquetteer.com.

Christmas Fallout, Vol. 4, Issue 1

Dear Etiquetteer: Is it OK to use a gift card someone gave you for Christmas to get him or her a gift? Dear Clueless Christmas Shopper: Well duh, were you going to march right up to them with the gift and tell them that’s how you bought it?! Just as guests at a restaurant party have no business knowing how their host pays for the dinner, so too should recipients of any sort of present have no interest in how their gift was paid for. Honestly . . .

Dear Etiquetteer: I want some clarification of your holiday tipping advice. My hair stylist’s salon closed down a year ago, due to the rising cost of real estate in the city. He retreated to his apartment, which he vacated as a residence and is now fitted with a hairdresser’s chair. The prices stayed the same and I continued to tip him, which I realized later was probably not the best thing to have done; I’ve always heard you don’t tip the owner of a shop, and now he’s the owner. He is the only person who cuts, but he does employ an assistant. I’m loath to stop tipping him now, because he expects it and I do like his work. But I balk at the suggestion that I have to pony up with a 100% tip at the holidays, when I’ve been gratuitously gratuitying him all year round. The base cut is $50.00; would I be considered a grinch if I give him half or a little more than that? Do I have to tip him at all if he is the owner? Dear Coiffed: Oh good gracious, this blasted tipping thing just will not go away! Can you all see why Etiquetteer abhors tipping so much?! Oh dear, please forgive Etiquetteer’s fit of pique. Not the most Perfectly Proper way to begin the New Year, is it? Under these new circumstances – now that your hairdresser has become the owner and you’ve been tipping him at each appointment – Etiquetteer thinks you can forego a holiday tip. But the next time you find yourself looking for a new coiffeur, permit Etiquetteer to suggest that you do your research in advance so that you don’t start tipping an owner from the beginning.

Dear Etiquetteer: This Christmas I feel like I committed the ultimate faux pas. While we were exchanging gifts this year I realized that I’d given a gift that still had the price tag on it! Rather than let [Insert Name of Recipient Here] see the tag, I snatched the gift away to remove it, but of course I felt very awkward. I felt really embarrassed! Dear Tagged: Your letter brought Etiquetteer back to a wedding party many years ago when Etiquetteer was honored to serve as an usher for two dear friends. Etiquetteer had found a lovely and appropriate gift at [Insert Name of High-End Purveyor of De Luxe Wedding Gifts Here], where the well-dressed saleslady arranged for it to be beautifully wrapped. Imagine Etiquetteer’s terror when, seeing the bride lift the lid off the box, the receipt was the first item to come into view! Two phrases rang simultaneously in Etiquetteer’s head: Ellen Maury Slayden’s "This is a test of breeding; keep calm" and the more general advice from the real estate world "If you can’t hide it, paint it red." Hoping for a panther’s grace and daring, Etiquetteer swiftly approached the table and grabbed the errant receipt, chuckling, "Oh dear, they weren’t supposed to wrap this!" Etiquetteer can only thank God (the Deity of Etiquetteer’s Choice) that Etiquetteer was present when the gift was unwrapped. So you see that keeping your cool is half the battle. Etiquetteer applauds your presence of mind in this situation – often discovery is so startling one becomes a deer in the headlights – but hopes that you were able to inject some humor to gloss over the awkwardness.This is where the recipient of the gift has the chance to help you out by making conversation on unrelated topics while you scrape away at those annoying adhesive tags that shred on contact. Etiquetteer once had to do this for 20 minutes while a dear friend took pricetags off every piece of a china service for six. This was, of course, mitigated by the delightful circumstance of having friends who give one china services for six . . . Of course Etiquetteer knows that you’re going to use this experience to wrap your gifts more carefully next year and include "price tag removal" as a specific step in your gift-wrapping assembly line.

Find yourself at a manners crossroads and don't know where to go? Ask Etiquetteer at query@etiquetteer.com!