2015: A Year in Review, Vol. 14, Issue 47

Like any other year, 2015 held its share of Issues of Perfect Propriety - or the lack of it - in the news. Yes, people are still behaving badly everywhere, sometime astonishly so. ENTERTAINING AT HOME

January saw one British family invoice another when their child failed to attend a birthday party. Etiquetteer wrote about this issue here, but the most Perfectly Proper way to deal with no-shows is to stop sending them invitations. Certainly one doesn't make a scene involving one's children, or the children of others. A wedding guest in Minnesota also got a bill from a Bridal Couple when they failed to attend the wedding. As frustrating and expensive as no-shows are, it's not Perfectly Proper to bill them.

THE WEATHER

New England was hammered with record-shattering blizzards in winter, which led one sexagenarian female to attack another with a snow blower. As the police chief involved said, “Emotions may run high during a historic weather event like the Blizzard we just endured, but that is no excuse for violence.” Etiquetteer couldn't agree more. Indeed, it inspired Etiquetteer to write on blizzard etiquette. And conditions deteriorated so much that later on Etiquetteer had to write even more.

RESTAURANTS AND FOOD

This year also saw the rise of a terrible practice, that of making multiple dinner reservations at different restaurants for the same time. While this increases one individual's options, it's discourteous to other diners, and disastrous to restaurants, who count on filling every seat to pay their bills. Stop it at once! Another restaurant issue to hit the news was the number of people claiming "allergies" for preferential treatment. And speaking of people who are precious about their food, even the Thanksgiving table is a battleground now. Etiquetteer rather wishes people would just be grateful there's something to eat . . .

TOURISTS

The behavior of tourists made the news this year. American tourists were caught carving their names into the Colosseum in Rome. The twenty-something California women managed one initial each before getting caught. Remember, take only photos, leave only footprints. But don't take photos of someone's bedrooms. Harvard University had to issue new rules for tourists to protect the privacy of their students. And you might want to think about taking photos at the 9/11 Memorial in New York. One writer called out tourist behavior there, especially around selfie sticks.

CLOTHING AND FASHION

Anno Domini 2015 saw the rise of "athleisure wear" - shudder - which has led children to reject denim for public wear in favor of sweatpants.  There was also the Suitsy, the business suit onesie. This article explains, rather fascinatingly, why we're dressing so casually now.

Also, musicians are taking a stand about their standard uniforms of white-tie or black-tie formal attire. In another direction, see-through wedding dresses are being promoted by designers. Of course Etiquetteer thinks they're Perfectly Proper - if you're getting married at the Folies Bergere. Another fashion trend that needs to end is the sloppy manbun, now also available as a hairpiece. Sadly.

First Lady Michelle Obama made the news when she didn't cover her hair on a brief visit to Riyadh to meet King Salman of Saudi Arabia. Her allegedly bold and courageous stance in not wearing a headscarf was, in fact, Perfectly Proper diplomatic protocol, as was shown by photographs of previous First Ladies and Female World Leaders like Angela Merkel, also without headscarves while meeting Saudi dignitaries. The Duchess of Cambridge made a fashion choice that brought coverage for a different reason: wearing a bright red gown for a state dinner in honor of China. Since red is the national color of China, that was not just Perfectly Proper, but also Deftly Diplomatic.

Higher Education is supposed to teach students about making Appropriate Life Choices, such as wearing shoes that will not make you fall over. Etiquetteer felt alternately sorry and embarrassed for this young woman who floundered through her graduation because of her shoes. Conversely, ladies in flats were turned away from screenings at the Cannes Film Festival. Please, ladies and film festivals, safety first!

EXHIBITIONISM

Under the guise of asking a question of Senator Rick Santorum, Virginia Eleasor let out an incoherent rant against President Obama, accusing him of nuking Charleston. This led Etiquetteer to ask questioners at public events whether they really want to ask questions or make their own speeches.

AIR TRAVEL

Regarding air travel, The Boston Globe reported on the rising phenomenon of ultra-Orthodox Jewish men who, when flying, refuse to sit next to women not their wives on religious grounds. Later in the year The New York Times wrote about the increasingly fraught sport of seat-swapping on airplanes. One man no doubt wanted to switch seats after his seatmate repeatedly stabbed him with a pen because he was snoring. Violence against fellow passengers is never Perfectly Proper. Etiquetteer would have put that seatmate on a no-fly list.

THE THEATRE

Stories about bad behavior in theatres continued to make the news in 2015, including Madonna Herself, who was not invited backstage after a performance of Hamilton because the cast saw her texting throughout Act II. But even Madonna was upstaged by the young man who went onstage before a performance to recharge his cellphone on the set! And even that Astonishing Event was eclipsed by the woman who went backstage to ask the actors where the restroom was during a performance.

Benedict Cumberbatch, a True Gentleman, appealed to his fans in a Most Perfectly Proper Way not to use devices during performances.

CHILDREN

This year Etiquetteer tried out a March Madness-style survey of Pet Peeves. The winner, from the Table Manners/Dining Out category: Ill-Mannered Children of Complacent Parents. And in fact, there were some related news stories. A little girl's meltdown at a White House function led Etiquetteer to wish more parents used babysitters, for instance. But the champion news story on this topic - and perhaps for the entire year - has to go to the incident at Marcy's Diner, when the owner yelled at a crying toddler who wouldn't shut up.

GENERALLY IMPROPER BEHAVIOR

Anno Domini 2015 began with a story about a woman in Florida shaving her - ahem - "bikini area" while operating a motor vehicle. While Etiquetteer understand the desire to be completely groomed before arriving at one's destination, Etiquetteer longs for the day when it was understood that ladies and gentlemen were completely groomed before they left the house.

Both Vice President Joe Biden and actor John Travolta came in for criticism for getting too "up close and personal" for greetings with Ladies Not Their Wives.

A Florida fraternity got itself into a colossal amount of trouble at its spring formal when drunk fraternity boys spit on wounded veterans, stole their American flags, and urinated on them. It should be needless to say that these aren't the values any fraternity is supposed to inculcate into its members.

Thirty people got in a fight over whether or not someone cut in line to use a waffle maker. Sometimes it's best not to escalate the situation. Sometimes it's best to stay in a hotel with a proper restaurant with a proper cook to make the waffles.

Perfect Propriety and pets moved uneasily in a Brooklyn building where dog waste in stairwell and elevators was becoming an issue.

And finally, a South Carolina politician used his holiday greetings to express his unhappiness over a vote on displaying the Confederate flag by enclosing this message: “May you take this joyous time as an opportunity to ask forgiveness of all your sins, such as betrayal.” Rather like getting a lump of coal in the mail.

And with that, allow Etiquetteer to wish you a Happy and Perfectly Proper New Year in 2016!

And, We Have a Winner, Vol. 14, Issue 23

And, at last, we have a winner, a Pet Peeve that trounces all others in Etiquetteer's Spring Madness of Pet Peeves:

TABLE MANNERS/DINING OUT: ILL-MANNERED CHILDREN WITH COMPLACENT PARENTS

Powerful, isn't it? And Etiquetteer is impressed that, of all the Pet Peeves in the grid, a selection that didn't specifically mention technology made it to the top.

Why don't today's parents realize that no one else cares about their Precious Snowflakes as much as they do - and never will? Are these parents absorbed in their own technology? So afraid of daily confrontation that they give in to the threat of any tantrum? Or simply blind to the fact that any children, even their children, will quite naturally behave in a way that is not Perfectly Proper?

Of course Etiquetteer must hasten to acknowledge all the good parents out there - surely there are some left, yes? - who are raising their children with Perfect Propriety (which is always better than Discipline Mixed with Love.)

But these Complacent Parents could use some Discipline Mixed with Love from the maitre d'. Years ago Etiquetteer was dining in a family-friendly restaurant (with, in fact, family members), and witnessed two parents with two children approximately age five, who were not only barefoot, but also using their banquette as a jungle gym. The parents were, Etiquetteer recalls, even worse than complacent; they were amused. And while Etiquetteer hardly advocates for that sort of behavior in the home, the home is an infinitely better place for it than out in public, where total strangers have to witness it.

One has only to do an internet search for "waitress blog" to find many stories of ill-mannered children dining out with complacent parents. Etiquetteer is eager to hear your own experience, should you be inclined to share it, at queries@etiquetteer.com.

Etiquetteer would like to thank all the readers who participated in this interesting little experiment. Let us now proceed into the summer, a summer without a pet peeve.

Table Manners, Vol. 14, Issue 11

Dear Etiquetteer: This question came up at a work dinner. I was served first, as was one other person. As I was taught, I waited for others to be served. One other told me to eat while it was warm. It was then mentioned that the new etiquette is to eat when you are served. So what are the rules? Eat when you are served, or wait for others?

Dear Dining:

Etiquetteer's first response when reading your query was, alas, rather sarcastic: "Have you heard about the new etiquette? You get to do whatever you want no matter how inconvenient to others!"

Why do we wait for others? Because it's awkward to be the only person at the table not eating, whether that's at the beginning of the meal or the end. We are invited to break bread together, not consecutively. Suppose you had bolted through your dinner and had nothing left by the time everyone else was served? You'd be in the same boat as the diner who had been served last. It's equally awkward to be the last person still eating.

When dining in a private home, everyone's dinner is more likely to arrive because everyone is (more often than not) being served the same meal. When dining in restaurants there is always the risk that diners will be served at different times, because the cooking times of individual choices may vary.

It's most Perfectly Proper to wait for all to be served before beginning one's meal. It's most Perfectly Proper, when one is one of the last to be served, to exhort others to begin eating - especially if there seems to be a risk of a lengthy delay. And even when urged to begin, Etiquetteer does so with reluctance, hoping that the waiter will really not be too long with the remaining covers.

Suggested New Year's Resolutions, Vol. 13, Issue 63

"Fast away the Old Year passes," as the carol goes, and let Etiquetteer be the first to speed its passing! It's a time-honored custom to make resolutions to improve oneself in the New Year, usually with diet and exercise. Etiquetteer would like to suggest some resolutions to improve the Perfect Propriety of the nation:

1. Resolve not to forward articles from satire news websites as though they were real news*. Etiquetteer is getting mighty tired of pieces from the Daily Currant, Empire News, the Borowitz Report over at the New Yorker, and the grandfather of them all, the Onion, being sent about with Righteous Outrage or Fierce Glee as the Gospel Truth, when they're just an elaborate joke. This concerns Etiquetteer most because of the damage it does to public figures. Public figures are already judged harshly enough - and deservedly - on what they have actually said. Let's not obscure the Truth with this patina of Satire any longer.
2. Resolve to disconnect at the table. When you sit down to share a meal with a group of people, especially in a private home, you have a sacred obligation to to be fully present and contribute to the general merriment. It is not possible for you to do this if you're always glancing into your lap, and it is hurtful to your companions because you give the impression that you would rather be someplace else. Turn your device gently but firmly OFF before you get to the table, and don't make Etiquetteer come after you.
3. Resolve to give a dinner party. These days the phrase "dinner party" sounds much more intimidating than it really is, which is having a total of four to 12 people around your table for an evening meal. Start with a maximum of four, which is easier to prepare for, and design a menu in which one course may be prepared a day or so ahead. The hospitality of the home is too little celebrated these days, but it remains a cornerstone of Perfect Propriety. Please join Etiquetteer in bringing it back.
4. Resolve not to be so insistent about your diet when you're away from home. Etiquetteer suspects one reason for the decline of the dinner party is the ever-increasing number of people who insist on their food preferences wherever they go, as if they were more important that the spirit of Hospitality. No one has the right to expect their friends and relatives to be professional-grade chefs who can keep straight the infinite, and infinitely changing, diets of so many people all at once. The best illustration is what has happened to coffee service in the last 20 years. Once one only had to serve coffee, cream, and sugar. Now one must offer coffee, decaffeinated coffee, tea, cream, skim milk, 2% milk, soy milk, powdered creamer, sugar, at least three kinds of artificial sweetener, honey, and agave nectar just to keep everyone happy. This is ridiculous!** When someone invites you into their home, it doesn't make them a slave to your preferences. Be kind to your hosts and just say "No, thank you" if offered something you can't eat.***
5. Resolve to correspond more by hand. Yes, Etiquetteer remains a devotée of the Lovely Note of Thanks, not only because it is more Perfectly Proper than any electronic communication, but also because it makes the recipient feel special. Also, in our Society of Increasing Surveillance, fewer eyes can intercept a handwritten letter than an email or text message. (And how sad it is that Etiquetteer even has to mention that.) Do it!
6. Resolve to R.s.v.p. on time, honor your original response, and arrive on time. If someone invites you to something, whether it's in their home or not, they need time to prepare to entertain you. A prompt and definite response from you is essential to this. "I'll have to see how I feel" is never Perfectly Proper! And if someone has invited you to the theatre and you suddenly decide on the day that you can't go, your host is left scrambling to use your ticket. Cancelling is only Perfectly Proper in circumstances of death or illness, but professional crisis is becoming more accepted as a valid excuse. If you pull a Bunbury too often, you'll find that invitations come to you less frequently.
7. Resolve not to monopolize reservations. Etiquetteer deplores the growing practice of making multiple restaurant reservations for the same time to keep one's options open depending on one's whim. This is not only rude to other diners, but fatal to the restaurant's bottom line. Stop it at once!

For tonight, of course Etiquetteer exhorts you to celebrate responsibly by not drinking to riotous excess and not drinking and driving - and by remembering a Lovely Note to your hosts.

Etiquetteer wishes you a Perfectly Proper New Year!

*Etiquetteer will provide an exemption from this on April Fool's Day.

**And please get off Etiquetteer's lawn, too!

***Of course those with fatal allergies need to be vigilant at all times, and wise hosts remember these and take them into account.

Table Manners: Bread and Oil, Vol. 13, Issue 54

Dear Etiquetteer: I've recently been to two restaurants where they brought out bread and put a small dish of olive oil on the table. In less posh restaurants, they put out a bottle and you can pour some oil on your bread plate.  But what does one do with the small dish?  Does one dip into the dish (thereby risking that someone will "double dip," or does one pour some on one's bread dish, which invariably leads to some oil spilling down the side of the serving dish and onto the table cloth?

Or does one just ask for butter?

Dear Oiled:

Few things at the table provide as much pleasure as a warm, yielding, and delicious piece of focaccia bread almost saturated with olive oil . . . except, perhaps, a warm, yielding, and delicious dinner partner saturated with je ne sais quoi.*

Oddly enough, the rules for bread and olive oil are nearly identical to those for bread and butter. When the table is supplied with one dish of olive oil, one breaks off a bite-sized bit of bread at a time to swipe through the oil, just as one breaks off one bite-sized bit of roll to butter at a time. Double dipping is never Perfectly Proper, whether from butter dish or saucer of oil. But Etiquetteer does recognize the greater margin for error with oil, since there's the temptation to treat it like dip. Incidentally, double dipping is also not Perfectly Proper with dip.

The key here - and many forget this - is that one does not butter the entire piece of bread at once, nor does one soak one's entire slab of focaccia at once, as though it were a sponge.

Pouring oil from a small dish, usually a saucer or bread plate, into your own receptacle runs too much risk for stains, and also looks awkward. If you must, ask the waiter for your own. Asking for butter when you've been served oil is really only asking for trouble.

*No, that is not the latest scent from Chanel.

Table Manners: Soup Neck, Vol. 13, Issue 50

Recently Etiquetteer had the pleasure of dining at Gurmansky Grob, in a suburb of Bratislava, Slovakia, a home restaurant renowned for its preparation of duck. And indeed, it's worth traveling to Slovakia to enjoy it! Their excellent dinner included enormous tureens of soup, which contained duck necks. Now, the neck of just about any bird is the most difficult part of a bird to eat with Perfect Propriety. They're often more trouble than they're worth, and consuming a neck in a bowl of soup seemed just about impossible, if not unthinkable.

Etiquetteer's hostess taught the assembly how to do so the Slovakian way. Use the spoon in your right hand to lift the neck to your mouth. Then, keeping the neck in or just above the bowl of the spoon grasp one end of the neck with your left hand and nibble away. It is important to perform this operation over the soup bowl, in case there should be any inadvertent dripping. Etiquetteer should not have to point out that this sort of operation doesn't belong at a formal dinner, but this knowledge may come in handy the next time you encounter a hearty, rustic menu.

How to Eat an Amuse Bouche, Vol. 13, Issue 49

Not long ago Etiquetteer was dining alone in a hotel restaurant when the waiter served an amuse bouche as a surprise. For those unaware of this rather precious course, an amuse bouche is a single, infinitesimally small and artfully arranged hors d'oeuvres served as a surprise and designed to make a diner even hungrier for the dinner that was actually ordered. Here is the amuse bouche that Etiquetteer was served:

You'll observe that this bitlet of vegetable napoleon was served impaled on a toothpick and with its own fork. And therein lies the Conundrum of Table Manners: Which Utensil is Most Perfectly Proper?  Does one grasp the toothpick by the top and take the bitlet off it at one bite, as one would if it was served at a cocktail party? Or does one remove the toothpick and use the fork, either taking each layer individually, or all at once?

Etiquetteer chose the former method, the toothpick, as being simplest and least likely to attract Unwelcome Attention, because the most Perfectly Proper table manners never call attention to themselves. The amuse bouche, however, calls too much attention to itself, and Etiquetteer would happily consign it to History. The Ostentatious Eighties are over!

How Not to Tip, Vol. 13, Issue 36

First of all, Etiquetteer is writing about restaurant tipping only, and not the myriad of other service industries in which tipping is conducted. Let's establish that Etiquetteer has never been a fan of tipping. It is, however, the prevailing system in the restaurant industry, and regardless of how widely it's disliked, it isn't going away anytime soon. This means adapting to the prevailing tipping system of 15-20% of the total bill, depending on who you talk to. (Etiquetteer says 15%; other writers, and almost all restaurant server blogs, say 20%.) This also means tipping on the full amount of the bill if you are using a discount, coupon, or gift card. It is considered a kindness, when paying by credit card, to tip in cash so that the staff don't have to claim it separately when their shifts are over.

Bad service is the most legitimate reason not to tip fully, or not to tip at all. Etiquetteer encourages you not to be petty over brief delays in service - well, really, Etiquetteer encourages you not to be petty. Now if a waiter forgets an entire order for a member of your party (and this has happened to Etiquetteer), if a waiter spills a strawberry margarita on your head, etc., then you have sufficient grounds. Etiquetteer acknowledges that bad service happens, and that there are waiters and waitresses (Etiquetteer dislikes the term "server," but recognizes that that is an individual choice) who consistently perform poorly. Before tipping less than the standard percentage, consider also the circumstances. If the restaurant is full to bursting (think New York Saturday nights before the theatre, or Sunday anywhere after church - see below), delays in service are understandable; allowances must be made.

Quite possibly the worst, and certainly the most offensive, excuse not to leave a tip is proselytizing. Recently Etiquetteer discovered Sundays Are the Worst, a heart-breaking and angering blog about how poorly a segment of those who profess Christianity treat those who serve them. Pastor Chad Roberts and his congregation have created what might be the most innovative way ever to minister to a community in need; read how it came about here. Etiquetteer could spit tacks at some of the behavior exhibited - so much so that readers will have to peruse for themselves rather than read examples here. The Word of God may feed the soul, but it doesn't sustain our bodies as well as those who leave tracts instead of tips might light to think.

It's also worth pointing out that in a nation in which All Are Created Equal, it ill becomes anyone of any religion to behave as though they are "better" than anyone serving them. This doesn't mean that we all have become Best Friends Forever with those serving us, but it does mean acknowledging our Common Humanity.

Modern Technology, Vol. 13, Issue 28

Dear Etiquetteer: If Etiquetteer would do away with one aspect of modern technology, what would it be?

Dear Teched:

It would be the way people give precedence to people interacting with them via modern technology over people interacting with them in person. (Etiquetteer supposes this is really an aspect of the usage of modern technology rather than an aspect of technology itself, but will leave that to the hair-splitters.)

How many times have any of us been out and about with others only to have them actively engaged on their devices communicating with Those Dear and Far Away as opposed to us, the Near and Dear?

How many friends have we tried to talk with while they fail at surreptitiously glancing in their laps to read and send text messages?

How many dinner companions have we watched not just photograph their dinner (a relatively harmless trend borne of digital photography), but then post the photo to social media, and then wait for and interact with those commenting on the photo?

How many dinner parties have been derailed by focusing on a "phonestack" while everyone waits for (and perhaps bets on) a guest to weaken and respond to one's device?

How many quiet moments on public transportation have been shattered by fellow passengers with Music Loud Enough to Distinguish Lyrics blasting from earbuds firmly lodged in their ears?

How many times has one's view been blocked at a concert or performance by someone holding up their smartphone to record the whole thing, regardless of those seated in back?

How many checkout lines have been delayed by a customer calling a friend or family member to confirm something hasn't been forgotten - or just by being on the phone?

To all this, Etiquetteer can only say, stop it at once! Be with the people you're with! Show them the consideration of your attention and engagement. Not just your friends, family, and companions, but also the working people you interact with during the day: bus drivers, waiters and waitresses, cashiers, receptionists, ushers, bakers, clerks, salespeople, missionaries, tourists, law enforcement, house cleaners - everyone!

In other words, HANG UP AND LIVE! And don't make Etiquetteer come after you . . .

Winter Etiquette, Vol. 13, Issue 23

Dear Etiquetteer: Occasionally my nose will suddenly start running, from any one of a number of causes. It could be strong smoke or fumes, scented products, spicy foods, or some unknown reason. I know it's considered rude to even wipe one's nose in public, let alone blow it, especially at the table. But it's also embarrassing at a restaurant or a group dinner to keep hopping up and disappearing into a distant restroom. What's the best way to navigate this difficulty?

Dear Nosey:

Etiquetteer had two Lovely Grandmothers, Granny and Gramma, and they each knew only one joke. Granny's joke was "Brownie's at the door," and it went like this:

A spinster lady agreed to take care of her young nephew while his parents were going to be away, which meant that she had to take him with her to a dinner party. "Now Nephew," she said, "I have post-nasal drip, and if you see a drip on my nose, I want you to tell me 'Brownie's at the door.'" Nephew agreed, and off they went.

At the dinner table, the nephew was seated on one side of his aunt, but on the other side the spinster found a handsome young bachelor! She spoke to him with fascination for some time, until she felt a tug on her sleeve. "Auntie, Brownie's at the door!" said her nephew. "Not now dear, I'm talking," was her reply. This dialogue was repeated two or three times. Finally, conversation at the table turned, and the spinster lady asked her nephew "Now, what was it you wanted to tell me?" "Well," replied the nephew, "Brownie was at the door, but he's in the soup now."

Humans have had runny noses longer than there have been dinner tables, and as you point out, it's not sustainable to leave the room every time one needs to to blow. To Etiquetteer, the real criterion is discretion. How silently can this operation be conducted? How can this be accomplished without attracting attention? At the table, if only a drip needs to be mopped up, "dab don't rub" is a safe rule. If it's possible for you to blow your nose silently and briefly, do so at table. If you're one of those people like Etiquetteer, who is unable to blow his nose without sounding like Gabriel's Legion or a New York City traffic jam, it's best to leave the table.

Easy availability of the handkerchief is the second important factor in unobtrusive nose blowing. The old saying of "A handkerchief should be in your hand three seconds before you need it" is always true. A gentleman, of course, may keep it in his inside jacket pocket or a pants pocket. Perhaps at the table ladies could keep theirs in their laps under their napkins? Attention is always attracted when the need for a handkerchief is making itself felt and the search for the hankie becomes more frantic as the need becomes more urgent. On NO account should one's handkerchief be allowed to touch the surface of the table! Take it out, use it, and put it back.

There is healthy, yet to Etiquetteer tedious, debate about handkerchiefs vs. paper tissues. Etiquetteer's principal objections to the latter are that they form a gigantic wad in one's pockets after use, and that too many people will try to reuse them after one blow, which is simply Disgusting. While Etiquetteer cannot object to people carrying those little plastic packets of paper tissues - apparently ladies need them in the ladies room, and it's not Etiquetteer's place to ask why - nothing beats a sturdy linen or cotton handkerchief.

Dear Etiquetteer:

This may sound foolish but when one lives in the Deep South how does one get rid of snow boots gracefully?

Dear Booted:

Your query makes Etiquetteer long for the days when anterooms were still an important part of domestic architecture. Those were also the days when servants were still an important part of domestic equipment. Both those features make divesting winter footwear less inconvenient than it is today, since they provided a specific place with sufficient space to do it, and a method (the servant) that didn't involve any bending for prolonged periods. Nowadays, one can't even be assured of a chair on which to sit to carry out this operation.

As much snow should be removed from one's shoes as possible before actually going inside. Etiquetteer tries to do so by stamping on the doormat or gently kicking the doorframe or a step to dislodge it. If hosts have provided an area for shoe removal (often a chair near the coatrack, sometimes with a towel spread on the floor nearby), take advantage. If you've brought inside shoes, make the transition as quickly as possible. If not, be sure before you've left your home that your socks have no holes or bare patches, and try to act nonchalant about socializing in stocking feet. Perfectly Proper Hosts inform their guests in advance if they expect shoes to be removed.

Coming Soon: Etiquetteer on the Orient Express, Vol. 13, Issue 12

Last autumn Etiquetteer had the great good fortune to travel aboard the Orient Express from London to Venice. Deluxe travel, as you might expect, includes some interesting challenges along with its delights. Stay tuned for an entertaining account of the journey soon! Below, Etiquetteer at dinner:

No One Cares About Your Children in Public, Vol. 13, Issue 10

Since there seems to be some doubt on the subject, Etiquetteer would like to clarify that no one cares about your children. Especially when they are misbehaving out in public. No one cares! And no one cares especially if you, as a parent, do not care about the impact your children have on other people and/or their belongings. What, you are probably asking yourself, launched Etiquetteer into this tiny tirade? The answer, dear readers, is this article, with photos, of parents blissfully unconcerned about their child climbing all over what is apparently a multi-million dollar work of art at the Tate Modern. One of the parents responded, "You obviously don't understand kids." To which Etiquetteer protests that the parents don't understand them. Children want a place to play! This is why there are places for children to play that are specifically for playing. This is why we have parks with jungle gyms. This is why we have playgrounds with swings. This is why we have traffic with . . . wait, no . . . no, that's not helping. Don't send the children to play in traffic.

Parents who fail to set boundaries for their children outside the home fail to teach them respect for other people. This is most often seen in restaurants, where parents of Children Too Young to Know Better are allowed to get away with terrible behavior, which usually has to be cleaned up by a long-suffering waiter or waitress who is insufficiently tipped. Parents, think honestly about the impression your family makes when you're out and about. It takes a village to raise a child, the old saying goes, and you want to be sure the villagers aren't coming after your Precious Snowflakes with tar, torches, and pitchforks.

Of course, when you look at the artwork on which the child was climbing, an obvious solution presents itself. A reasonable facsimile can be purchased from West Elm or some other stark and severe home furnishings catalog and installed in the nursery at home. Problem solved.

Dining in Public, Vol. 12, Issue 4

From Etiquetteer's Facebook page comes this query: Dear Etiquetteer:

Last night my family, including my husband's parents and sister (who were visiting from out of state) had the pleasure of attending dinner service on the Napa Valley Wine Train. All the lady seated behind my sister-in-law could do was complain, loudly. We didn't allow her to ruin our good time, but felt trapped! As did the lovely couple seated across from the bitter bitter woman. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of the right way to handle the situation and would like never to find myself lacking the Perfectly Proper way to handle the very uncomfortable situation she was causing. How would you recommend handling this situation, should it present itself during another evening?

Dear Entrained and Entrapped:

Etiquetteer's guiding precept has always been that No One Cares How You Feel or What You Want. Etiquetteer thinks it's a pity this Dining Virago was not so educated. One wonders why such people ever leave home, since they are so clearly unhappy away from it. Etiquetteer's beloved Ellen Maury Slayden joined her Congressman husband on an official delegation to Mexico in 1910. Commenting on one Senator and his wife, she wrote "I wonder why they come on a trip like this, all made up of scenery and adventure, when they could get so much better pie and cereal at home."*

You and your family, however, were clearly brought up on the maxim "Don't borrow trouble," for which Etiquetteer commends you. Because let's face it, in Real Life, confrontations such as these are always messier than they are in TV sitcoms. For instance, had you leaned over and asked "Excuse me, I hate to interrupt your diatribe, but did you happen to bring any earplugs we could borrow?" you would not have been saved by a commercial break. The Fantasy of the One-Line Putdown That Works is just that, a fantasy.

The first and best recourse is to speak (quietly) to the waiter or the manager and ask if anything can be done. It's in their best interest to be sure that all their diners are enjoying themselves, not only the Dining Virago but also you and your party. They can take what action they feel is necessary to get her to pipe down, whether it's a complimentary dessert, picking up her entire check, or promising her that she'll never have the chance to complain about their service again after she's banned from returning.

Etiquetteer thinks you and your family might have put a more positive spin on the situation by sending a bottle of wine to "the lovely couple seated across from the bitter bitter woman," creating a secret community able to smile over a special bond: Endurance. Etiquetteer can just see you all toasting each other silently across the aisle while the Dining Virago obliviously keeps on ranting.

Etiquetteer wishes you and your family well on future dining excursions!

Have you had a difficult experience dining out? Etiquetteer would love to accept your queries at <queries _at_ etiquetteer dot com>.

*It should surprise no one that Etiquetteer is quoting from Washington Wife: Journal of Ellen Maury Slayden from 1897 - 1919.

Restaurant Closing Times, Vol. 12, Issue 3

Dear Etiquetteer: How long prior to a food establishment’s posted closing time is a reasonable minimum to expect to be able to arrive?  For instance, if the closing time is 9:30 pm, should one feel comfortable arriving at 9:15, expecting to be seated and served?  Then how long after that posted closing time is acceptable time to linger?

Is there any difference in the etiquette based on the type of establishment?  Fine dining will likely be a time consuming affair with many courses.  Casual dining establishments will likely have a shorter turnover time, but still involve seated service. Counter service places like coffee shops, have a percentage of patrons who sit and enjoy their purchases and their books/papers/homework/web-surfing/chatting with friends, while others purchase and go.  Do these difference in service styles make a difference to the way in which a patron should observe the posted closing time, and the service they should expect to receive?

Thanks much for your thoughts on the matter.

Dear Hastened:

Your query made Etiquetteer wonder if you still have a bruise on your coccyx from the doorknob hitting you on the way out.

Two competing considerations work against each other here: consideration for diners to be able to enjoy their meal, and consideration for the staff who cannot finish their work (closing the restaurant) and go home until all diners have left the restaurant. Etiquetteer believes that any diner who finds the door to a restaurant open should be able to expect a restaurant's full service. But diners arriving at such a time that they can expect still to be dining after closing time show courtesy to the staff by ordering decisively and not dawdling over coffee or paying the bill. Restaurateurs eager not to pay staff overtime would do well to lock the door against late arrivals, opening it only to allow departing patrons to exit.

You are correct that how this is handled is guided by the style of service provided, although courtesy is the common thread among each. White-tablecloth restaurants with extensive wine lists can't really expect to rush patrons through a dinner that extends well past closing time. They can manage this by not accepting reservations, or walk-in diners, after a certain time. For instance, if a restaurant's posted closing time is 11:00 PM, they can decline to accept reservations after 10:00 PM. Casual restaurants should do the same, but may also emphasize closing time when greeting late arrivals ("We're closing in ten minutes.") Sometimes restaurants make it clear that service is reduced before closing; Etiquetteer knows one popular pub that makes it clear on the menu "Only pizza after 10:00 PM." In a coffee shop or diner, Etiquetteer sees no discourtesy in a general announcement made by the manager "Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be closing in ten minutes." Young Etiquetteer briefly worked for a Popular Doughnut Chain many years ago, and for the closing shift this announcement might have been made individually.

Not long ago Etiquetteer joined a party of five arriving at a popular Chinese restaurant five minutes before its closing time. To its credit, the party was ready to order almost as soon as it was seated. But conversation  captured the enthusiasm of the party more than the excellent cuisine. The staff, not eager to stay later than necessary after a long day, made a point by beginning closing the dining room about 15 minutes after dinner had been served. They stacked chairs at other tables and brought out the vacuum cleaner, beginning closest to Etiquetteer's table. Given that the total bill for a party of five, including tip, would not have reached three figures, Etiquetteer can't fault the staff . . . but would have wished for five more minutes of vacuum-free dining.

Speaking of not dawdling over paying the bill, Etiquetteer was both interested and dismayed to read this article about restaurant technology. Etiquetteer does not like to think such applications are necessary because public education should at least provide enough knowledge of math to manage splitting a restaurant check, and because Etiquetteer finds that the longer a party parses a check, the less joyously the occasion is remembered.

Etiquetteer would absolutely love to hear your own queries about Perfect Propriety! Please send them to queries_at_etiquetteer.com.

Seven Actions for Perfect Propriety in Public Life in the New Year, Vol. 12, Issue 2

Here we are, embarked on a New Year, and Etiquetteer is working hard to maintain a Feeling of Hope for increasing Perfect Propriety. Etiquetteer has identified seven areas -- some simple, some quixotic -- where action should be taken. At once. 1. Homeowner associations (HOAs) need to write exceptions into their governing documents allowing homeowners to display the American flag on or from their properties without being fined or censured. Every year an HOA makes the news when it sues or fines a homeowner who displays an American flag on his or her property against the HOA rules about decorations and displays. These stories are even more poignant when the flag is tattered or in otherwise less-than-perfect condition, usually because of its association with a family member who died in service to this nation. If you live in an HOA, take the initiative now to modify your bylaws to permit display of the American flag on one's property.

2. Anyone who has charge of an escalator, whether it's in a shopping mall, transportation hub, government or office building, or any other public place, needs to be sure that every rider knows that standing is on the right, and passing is on the left. This can be achieved with signage or a painted line down the center.

3. Retailers need to stop colonizing private life and pandering to our baser instincts by scheduling outrageous sales events on holidays - and we need to stop letting them do it by buying into this manufactured "excitement." Etiquetteer was outraged that some retailers actually scheduled some sales to begin on Thanksgiving Day Itself, and appalled viewing some of the video footage of the Black Friday mélee. Etiquetteer has extreme difficulty reconciling this with the True Spirit of Christmas. If it was up to Etiquetteer -- which, of course, it ought to be -- Black Friday sales would not be allowed to begin until 10:00 AM on Friday. Even if the retailers don't, Etiquetteer wants you to make the commitment to refrain from shopping on holidays.

4. Unfortunately, Western civilization has reached such a low level of sloth, selfishness, or contempt that more and more people don't care about being properly dressed in public. Indeed, many don't even know what proper dress is. With great reluctance, Etiquetteer must endorse the use of instructional signage, such as "No Visible Undergarments" and "No Sleepwear" so that standards can be reinforced.

5. Theatres and concert halls need to enforce more vigorously the rule not to use recording devices of any kind (cameras, recorders, smartphones, etc.) during concerts. Anyone who has ever had their view of a performance blocked by rows of upraised arms with iPhones will appreciate this. Etiquetteer believes that violators should be evicted, which means that ushers will need to be more vigilant and prowl the aisles during performances more often. (It is interesting to muse on how differently Woodstock might have affected Western culture if everyone there had had a smartphone or videocamera. Etiquetteer is mighty relieved they didn't.)

6. The battle between drivers, cyclists, and pedestrians must stop. To quote Stu Ackerman, "There is only 'we.' 'Them' is a hallucination born of fear." Everyone has the same goal: to get wherever they're going as quickly as possible. Etiquetteer would like them to get there as safely as possible, too. And this means being aware of one's own situation and of other travelers around one. For pedestrians, it means looking left, right, and left again before walking across the street -- and only at intersections. For drivers, it means knowing where one is going before getting in the car and relying on an often-faulty GPS. For cyclists, it means awareness that both pedestrians and drivers, through no fault of their own, will have to cross the bike lane. For all it means putting away one's electronic devices so that one can travel with full concentration and without distraction! Etiquetteer's heart has leapt into his mouth more than once seeing a pedestrian blithely walk into an intersection while staring intently at a smartphone screen, or a driver making a sharp left turn with one hand on the wheel and cellphone held to the ear. In summary, no one group of travelers is evil, as many would like to think. Rather, there are impatient and inattentive travelers in each group. Etiquetteer urges you to represent the best aspects of your particular Mode of Travel.

7. If parents are not going to enforce Perfect Propriety in their children when dining out, restaurants are going to start having to do it for them by either asking them to leave, being sure they know not to come back until the children can behave, or banning children altogether. While hastily acknowledging the very many good and attentive parents who understand and train their children well, Etiquetteer must note that the legions of oblivious and ineffective parents make dining out difficult for everyone.* The stories from waiters and waitresses (one need only search the Web) can curl one's hair.

And that, as they say, is that. Etiquetteer welcomes your Perfectly Proper queries resulting from these recommendations at queries_at_etiquetteer_dot_com.

*It's worth noting, too, that every time Etiquetteer sees a news story about Chuck E. Cheese, it's because grownups started a brawl there.

Random Issues, Vol. 9, Issue 2

Dear Etiquetteer:

Last night, I took a dear friend as my guest to an expensive art gallery dinner, held in honor of a newly opened show. It was meant to be a special treat for us, as my friend is just emerging into social life again, after a devastating divorce.

Unfortunately, we were seated at a table of loud, bawdy drunks, who had come as a group, and found each other hilarious. After attempting polite introductions and brief small talk with our fellow diners, we two girlfriends tried to converse quietly together. But conversation was rendered impossible by the group's rude comments, and shenanigans such as dinner rolls being thrown across the table.

The room was otherwise full, and no alternative seats were available. The gallery owner ignored the situation. I was mortified to subject my friend to such obnoxious buffoonery. She is not native to the US, and the group even mocked the pronunciation of her name. We left as soon as the dessert had been served.

What on earth can one do to rescue such an evening, short of leaving as soon as possible? I apologized to my friend for the disastrous experience. As her her host, what else should I have done?

Dear Subjected:

Etiquetteer can only respond to you with the deepest compassion. The only thing worse than dining with "a table of loud, bawdy drunks, who had come as a group, and found each other hilarious" is dining with "a table of loud, bawdy drunks, who had come as a group, and found each other hilarious" who are your closest friends of whom you expected better.

The best way to guarantee your enjoyment at the sort of dinner you describe, which sounds suspiciously like a fund-raiser, is to round up enough friends and acquaintances to fill a table. As you have sadly learned, when Money is the only criterion for entrée, ladies and gentlemen are not safe from Bad Manners. (The roll-throwing tempted Etiquetteer to hope that perhaps these drunken bawds had once read P.G. Wodehouse, but this does not really seem likely. There are restaurants that cater to the roll-throwing crowd, like Lambert's Café, a more likely influence.)

It seems that you did everything possible at the time to salvage the evening, except speaking directly with the gallery owner. You indicate that s/he was ignoring the situation; you had the power to call it to his/her attention in no uncertain terms, by beckoning, or at worst, leaving your table and going to him/her. Another temporary solution might have been to take your dessert into the lobby.

Now that this ghastly dinner is behind you, Etiquetteer encourages you to create a new social opportunity for your newly-divorced friend: a dinner party in your own home given in her honor, with your own friends whose Perfect Propriety you know well enough in advance. You may also correspond with the gallery owner and sever any possible future connection with that organization.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I am a new, part-time teacher at my school.  I teach music in a building that is away from the main building and I very rarely socialize with other teachers; I'm just not around them much and don't eat lunch with them or chat in the teacher's lounge.  I received an invitation to a bridal shower for one of my coworkers.  He is getting married soon and I only know him by his last name.  I met his wife at the Christmas staff party, but can't remember her name.

What should I do about this shower?  I don't want to go, because I don't know the groom at all, and I know the bride even less.  Do I have to send a gift if I wimp out on attending?

Dear Teaching:

Undoubtedly this invitation was sent to all school faculty as a courtesy, and the groom didn't want you (or others) to feel left out. At least, that's how Etiquetteer could explain this situation charitably. (Whoever heard of a groom inviting professional colleagues to his fiancée's bridal shower?!) You need not attend, or send a gift, but please do send a Lovely Note of Congratulations to the Happy Couple on your most Perfectly Proper stationery.

Belching, Vol. 8, Issue 7

Dear Etiquetteer: My sister, who is a beautiful, intelligent, and accomplished young woman, burps. She burps loudly, often, and without covering her mouth. She doesn't say, "excuse me," after the fact. She doesn't excuse herself to the restroom (or another private place) beforehand. In response, my family and I have said things starting at, "Your doctor could probably get something to help with your digestion," to, "That is rude. Please don't burp at the table."

Her response to the former is that she doesn't have any health problem that causes the burps, and to the latter, "I do what I want!"

Again, she is a young woman who has enough background to appreciate just how rude her actions are. She is highly educated and reasonably cultured. We don't understand where her dismissive attitude regarding eructation. Privately, it is uncomfortable. Around company and in public, it is mortifying. How can we address the seriousness of our concern and inappropriateness of her dismissive response?

Dear Digesting in Silence:

Your sister seems to have taken as her role model Princess Fiona in Shrek, which is most unfortunate. Etiquetteer has said often that "No one cares what you want or how you feel," and this certainly applies to your sister! Her willful eructation will surely obscure the beauty, intelligence, and accomplishments you mention, while also making her the darling of eleven-year-old boys everywhere. (But Etiquetteer must question how Reasonably Cultured a woman can be if she behaves this way. Certainly no woman willfully belching like that could be called a lady.)

Etiquetteer fears nothing will curb her evil behavior until she loses a job or a lover over it. Etiquetteer can just imagine her ripping out a large BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAPP while interviewing for a job she wants, and then being shown the door. 

Etiquetteer has also heard much of the rivalry of sisters, both in life and in film. Possibly you are not the best person to give your sister direction. That said, there isn't any reason for you to accept her deliberately rude behavior. If you're in public with others and she belches in your presence, just leave the area as unostentatiously as you can. If she continues to burp at your own table, stop inviting her. Yes, even for functions at which all the family is present. Or, and here you will see Etiquetteer's Dark Side, set a place for her in the kitchen while everyone else dines in the dining room. Undoubtedly she'll take exception to this, and you can gently explain that the dining room is only for those who know how to behave like grown-ups at the table. 

Etiquetteer has a new address for all your questions about manners, queries_at_etiquetteer_dot_com. 

Tipping, Vol. 7, Issue 11

Dear Etiquetteer: I went to a concert last night at [Insert Name of Popular New England Concert Hall Here] and tipped my usherette $2. She seemed very surprised. Is tipping ushers/usherettes at concerts or at the opera still appropriate? Thank you.Dear Tippety Tip Tip:Etiquetteer believes the custom of tipping an usher for showing one to one’s seat did not cross the Atlantic from Europe to the New World. While Etiquetteer has never known this to take place in the United States, reference has been made to it on the “other side,” particularly Paris. Etiquetteer’s beloved Cornelia Otis Skinner writes about the “harpies” or “vultures” she had to tip at the Comédie Française during the 1920s in her delicious memoir Our Hearts Were Young and Gay. (While for decades ushering in the United States was a profession only for men, in France it seems to have fallen exclusively into the province of women.) And in the 1936 film version of Camille, sharp-eyed viewers will notice the resigned shrug of the lady usher when handed an inadequate tip by the Baron de Varville. So if you’re left of the Atlantic, by all means tip your attendant. And if on the right, keep your two dollars handy for the coat check.Lawsuits related to tipping have made the news quite a bit in 2008 already. Starbucks lost a class-action lawsuit by baristas who had to share their tips with shift supervisors. American Airlines lost another class-action lawsuit brought by skycaps who were deprived of significant income when the airline began charging $2.00 to check a bag curbside, but didn’t explain that it wasn’t a tip. Unfortunately for the skycaps, American Airlines has now posted signs at Logan Airport, Boston, that tipping is prohibited.Etiquetteer deplores tipping anyway, but is disgusted by management “skimming” tips from employees who are often underpaid. As long as tipping has to be part of the American economy, it might at least be transacted honestly. And related to that, Etiquetteer was surprised to hear from waiters and waitresses how often they have to claim tips given on credit cards, and how often tips are “pooled:” shared equally among all waiters and waitresses on a shift, whether they’re any good or not. If you want to be sure that a superior waiter or waitress is completely tipped, please tip in cash.

Restaurant Etiquette, Vol. 6, Issue 28

Dear Etiquetteer: Recently, a friend and I went to dinner at a Cape Cod restaurant where we both summer. Normally, their service is quite good. This night, they seated us immediately, handed us menus – which we perused then closed in anticipation of service – and then promptly forgot us. No water, no bread, no announcement of specials, no indication of who our server was, nothing. We tried to get their attention, to no avail. Others came in after us, were seated, given water, told specials, etc. Finally, we simply left our menus on the table, got up, and left. No one stopped us or even seemed to notice. But it still felt rude to me to be doing so. Was our behavior not Perfectly Proper? Should we have done something else? Dear Dining: Your question mystifies Etiquetteer. How is it rude to leave a restaurant where the staff forgot about you as soon as you arrived? While accidents do happen, few are as frustrating as waiters forgetting about your existence, especially when one’s arrival at the theatre could be compromised by slow service. Etiquetteer could not possibly fault your behavior. You could even have told the manager, politely but very firmly, why you were leaving without losing your Perfect Propriety. Etiquetteer remembers all too vividly standing at the hosts’s station of a popular local diner at Sunday brunch a few years ago. A Gentleman of a Race Other Than the Host’s, approached on his way out and told the host he’d been waiting over 20 minutes for any service and decided "Maybe that has to do with my [Insert Racial Identity Here]." The host tried to persuade the gentleman to remain for better service, but the gentleman, wisely, chose to leave anyway. Etiquetteer can only fault him for making Race part of the issue. While there are many tipping deadbeats out there who fail inexcusably to acknowledge good service appropriately, there are also a number of super-entitled waiters and waitresses who feel the world owes them a 20% tip just for showing up. On another occasion, some 20 years ago, Etiquetteer and two friends ducked into a downtown Thai restaurant for what turned out to be a long dinner. We waited 15 minutes for the menus, 20 minutes for the waitress to take our order and practically an Ice Age for dinner, which was served without the white rice that had been ordered. Thoroughly tired out by this experience, Etiquetteer and his companions decided not to leave a tip. Before we had walked 20 feet from the restaurant the manager had pursued us out the door to ask why we hadn’t left a tip! Etiquetteer made quite certain he knew about every defect in the service after that. Dear Etiquetteer: I was taught from the very beginning that you never ever put silverware you’ve used on the tablecloth or the table. More and more, however, I’ve noticed that some restaurants just provide silverware for one course. A friend and I were kind of annoyed by this when we went out recently. After we finished our salads I put my utensils on my plate, only to have the waiter put them on the table before clearing. My friend had not used his knife in the first course and tried to balance his fork on top of it to keep it from touching the table, but didn’t succeed. Why do restaurants do this? Is it OK to ask for more silverware? Dear Forked: To his chagrin, Etiquetteer has noticed this behavior and doesn’t like it one bit. Etiquetteer has seen this in, shall we say, pubs and restaurants devoted to "casual dining." But just because dining is "casual" doesn’t mean it should be careless. With a Sincere Smile, and not forgetting to say "please," ask for clean utensils as soon as you see your waiter begin to remove them from the table. In the emergency absence of any place to put your utensils, Etiquetteer can only suggest using your napkin (usually a paper one in such establishments) until your waiter brings you a breadplate. Finally, Etiquetteer would like to congratulate Francesca and Tobias Bazarnick on their marriage, now officially solemnized on two continents, and lift a glass to wish them long life and happiness together. Per cent'anni, amici! Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify <at> etiquetteer.com.

Travel Advisory: Etiquetteer travels by air, Vol. 6, Issue 24

This column also appeared in the July 12, 2007, edition of The Times of Southwest Louisiana. Etiquetteer has weathered a number of challenges to Perfect Propriety, but Modern Air Travel recently took Etiquetteer for a ride, mounting roadblocks of all kinds. How Etiquetteer ever arrived at his final destination – albeit a day late and without a bow tie – with Perfect Propriety intact remains a mystery. Negotiating with a cabby for whom English is not a first language is something one expects in Manhattan and foreign countries, not in one’s own town. Negotiating with a cabby for whom English is not a first language who wants to use a route one knows to be twice as expensive is something Etiquetteer wouldn’t wish on his worst friend. Etiquetteer got his way, of course, but then had to listen to a heavily-accented diatribe about it for ten minutes. If this is "celebrating cultural diversity," Etiquetteer has had quite enough. Etiquetteer arrived at the airport looking Perfectly Proper for summer travel: blue seersucker suit, white bucks, crisply pressed shirt, bow tie, and Panama hat. Security screening required Etiquetteer to strip off just about half of his clothes. The family of four completing their post-screening toilette at the mouth of the metal detector managed to inconvenience just about everyone. While it’s never easy to finish dressing in public at a folding table, Etiquetteer must insist that you continue moving down the table with your belongings to speed this annoying process for everyone. It’s one thing to board a plane, another to sit on it with no information as the clock inexorably ticks long past the departure time. The waiting becomes even more intolerable when one is squashed against the window seat in the last row of a slowly heating aircraft. Within 15 minutes the tie was sacrificed to the mounting heat in the cabin. After an unacceptably long delay with no information, the pilot crackled over the intercom that the plane would be rerouted due to bad weather, but that the reroute had not yet been completed and they didn’t expect it for at least another 20 minutes. This did at least give the cabin crew an opportunity to serve us parched passengers little cups of ice water. Etiquetteer applauds the flight attendants, who certainly endured this ordeal with Professional Aplomb. Etiquetteer was beginning to wilt. Having departed over 80 minutes late, Etiquetteer knew he would miss his connecting flight. The rude shock that it was the last flight of the day and that the airline would not provide accommodations for stranded travelers (since the delay was not the airline's fault) sent Etiquetteer right up to the ragged edge of Perfect Propriety. All that was left to do was head for the restaurant and get a Suitably Large Cocktail and dinner. It would have been lovely if the restaurant kitchen hadn’t closed just as Etiquetteer arrived. This led Etiquetteer into line at the quickly-closing pizzeria behind two Gentlemen Older than Etiquetteer. After many questions about ingredients (at a pizzeria . . . honestly), they swept up the last two remaining sandwiches, leaving Etiquetteer with only cheese pizza and a Bad Attitude. Cell phones have completely changed the way we travel and communicate, both for good and ill. The anxiety of having to wait in line to use a pay phone to call family or friends, who would have to be home to receive the call, is now past. Instead we have the anxieties of not having the cell phone numbers of family at the destination airport and of not having anywhere to recharge one’s phone before it completely loses power. There is also the necessity of having to take calls from those one will meet under any circumstances. Etiquetteer found it necessary to take three cell phone calls during "dinner" at the airport to confirm and reconfirm arrangements for the following day. At least Etiquetteer was not in the restroom at the time. So with security requirements, flight delays, missed connections, and restaurants snapping shut like clams, Etiquetteer thinks it’s a marvel anyone can travel with Perfect Propriety unscathed. Next time Etiquetteer may well take the train. Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify <at> etiquetteer.com.