Winter Etiquette, Vol. 13, Issue 23

Dear Etiquetteer: Occasionally my nose will suddenly start running, from any one of a number of causes. It could be strong smoke or fumes, scented products, spicy foods, or some unknown reason. I know it's considered rude to even wipe one's nose in public, let alone blow it, especially at the table. But it's also embarrassing at a restaurant or a group dinner to keep hopping up and disappearing into a distant restroom. What's the best way to navigate this difficulty?

Dear Nosey:

Etiquetteer had two Lovely Grandmothers, Granny and Gramma, and they each knew only one joke. Granny's joke was "Brownie's at the door," and it went like this:

A spinster lady agreed to take care of her young nephew while his parents were going to be away, which meant that she had to take him with her to a dinner party. "Now Nephew," she said, "I have post-nasal drip, and if you see a drip on my nose, I want you to tell me 'Brownie's at the door.'" Nephew agreed, and off they went.

At the dinner table, the nephew was seated on one side of his aunt, but on the other side the spinster found a handsome young bachelor! She spoke to him with fascination for some time, until she felt a tug on her sleeve. "Auntie, Brownie's at the door!" said her nephew. "Not now dear, I'm talking," was her reply. This dialogue was repeated two or three times. Finally, conversation at the table turned, and the spinster lady asked her nephew "Now, what was it you wanted to tell me?" "Well," replied the nephew, "Brownie was at the door, but he's in the soup now."

Humans have had runny noses longer than there have been dinner tables, and as you point out, it's not sustainable to leave the room every time one needs to to blow. To Etiquetteer, the real criterion is discretion. How silently can this operation be conducted? How can this be accomplished without attracting attention? At the table, if only a drip needs to be mopped up, "dab don't rub" is a safe rule. If it's possible for you to blow your nose silently and briefly, do so at table. If you're one of those people like Etiquetteer, who is unable to blow his nose without sounding like Gabriel's Legion or a New York City traffic jam, it's best to leave the table.

Easy availability of the handkerchief is the second important factor in unobtrusive nose blowing. The old saying of "A handkerchief should be in your hand three seconds before you need it" is always true. A gentleman, of course, may keep it in his inside jacket pocket or a pants pocket. Perhaps at the table ladies could keep theirs in their laps under their napkins? Attention is always attracted when the need for a handkerchief is making itself felt and the search for the hankie becomes more frantic as the need becomes more urgent. On NO account should one's handkerchief be allowed to touch the surface of the table! Take it out, use it, and put it back.

There is healthy, yet to Etiquetteer tedious, debate about handkerchiefs vs. paper tissues. Etiquetteer's principal objections to the latter are that they form a gigantic wad in one's pockets after use, and that too many people will try to reuse them after one blow, which is simply Disgusting. While Etiquetteer cannot object to people carrying those little plastic packets of paper tissues - apparently ladies need them in the ladies room, and it's not Etiquetteer's place to ask why - nothing beats a sturdy linen or cotton handkerchief.

Dear Etiquetteer:

This may sound foolish but when one lives in the Deep South how does one get rid of snow boots gracefully?

Dear Booted:
Your query makes Etiquetteer long for the days when anterooms were still an important part of domestic architecture. Those were also the days when servants were still an important part of domestic equipment. Both those features make divesting winter footwear less inconvenient than it is today, since they provided a specific place with sufficient space to do it, and a method (the servant) that didn't involve any bending for prolonged periods. Nowadays, one can't even be assured of a chair on which to sit to carry out this operation.
As much snow should be removed from one's shoes as possible before actually going inside. Etiquetteer tries to do so by stamping on the doormat or gently kicking the doorframe or a step to dislodge it. If hosts have provided an area for shoe removal (often a chair near the coatrack, sometimes with a towel spread on the floor nearby), take advantage. If you've brought inside shoes, make the transition as quickly as possible. If not, be sure before you've left your home that your socks have no holes or bare patches, and try to act nonchalant about socializing in stocking feet. Perfectly Proper Hosts inform their guests in advance if they expect shoes to be removed.

Acknowledging Acknowledgment of a Sneeze, Vol. 12, Issue 19

Dear Etiquetteer: If I sneeze while wearing earphones, should I remove at least one bud to accept and show gratitude for a "bless you" or is it OK to keep listening to my NPR podcast?

Likewise, if I am on the opposite side of that scenario is it rude NOT to say "bless you" to the sneezer should they not shed a bud, assuming that they will not hear it anyway or should I throw it out there regardless?

Dear Budded:

If a sneeze is sneezed in the forest with no one to hear it, is it blessed?

It is one of etiquette's eccentricities that sneezing is the only Bodily Function acknowledged in public. One does not comment on, or even acknowledge, coughing, nose-blowing, yawning, belching, snoring, and especially flatulence - no matter how obvious any of those Bodily Functions might be. Etiquetteer has always understood that this began in Days of Yore ("when knighthood was in flower") because the soul was thought to leave the body with the sneeze; a blessing would protect or restore it.

To answer your second question first, a Perfectly Proper "God bless you!" can't go wrong, even if the sneezer is wearing earbuds or earphones. (Etiquetteer does prefer "God bless you" to "Bless you." The Fiercely Secular may always use "Gesundheit," which is the German for "health." Etiquetteer must caution you to avoid translating this into French. Answering a sneeze with "A votre santé!" will only lead people to wonder where the champagne is*.)

If you sneeze without sufficient power to dislodge your earbuds, Etiquetteer does not think it necessary for you to remove either or both of them to acknowledge a "God bless you." This does not, however, excuse you from acknowledging it. Make eye contact with your blesser and nod - kindly or briskly, depending on your degree of acquaintance - and then go about your business. If you're one of those people who are going along with the Medical Establishment and sneezing into your elbow instead of your hand, Etiquetteer hopes this won't involve removing, um, Nasal Effluvia from your sleeve. While hesitating to question the wisdom of the Medical Establishment, Etiquetteer continues to advocate the use of a Perfectly Proper handkerchief.

*Or whether or not you are Doris Day in Romance on the High Seas.

Layoffs and Colleagues, Vol. 11, Issue 10

Dear Etiquetteer: I was recently catching up with an acquaintance and asked “How’s work?” and got the reply “Well, I was laid off.” I’m not sure what to say beyond “I’m so sorry to hear this.” How does one respond supportively, but not obtrusively? It’s a little easier with a closer friend as you can be a bit more intimate.  If it’s someone you don’t know so well, it can be tricky.

Dear Properly Concerned:

How Very Delicate of you to consider how best to respond without Unnecessary Prying. More often than not those in Unwilling Professional Transition are pestered with coded queries such as:

Question: "What happened?" (Meaning: "Were you fired?")

Question: "Were you downsized?" (Meaning: "Were you fired?")

Question: "Did they let a lot of other people go, too?"  (Meaning: "Were you fired?")

Question: "What are you doing?" (Meaning: "Were you fired?")

Question: "Are you OK?" (Meaning: "Were you fired?")

Question: "I suppose you'll take some time to yourself now." (Meaning: "Did you get a good severance package when they fired you?")

People react differently to being unemployed. Some go into complete tailspins. Others express anger, take a philosophical attitude, proactively begin networking by making the job search their Topic Number One, or decline to talk about it altogether. Gauge your response by that of your acquaintance. For the reluctant, drop the topic. For the angry and the depressed, listen and make Noncommittal Sounds of Sympathy. For the philosophical, speculate with them on ideal or fantasy careers.

The sentence "I'm so sorry this happened to you" is often the best response. Etiquetteer advises care with "If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know." Only say this if you truly intend to help out when asked! Few things are as embarrassing for those in Unwilling Professional Transition than asking for help from those who have said  "If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know" -- whether it's for a professional introduction, review of a resume or correspondence, or even grocery money -- and then not getting it.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I need your help. My male colleague in the next cubicle wears the most annoying cologne. I think this is a fairly new habit because I have never noticed it until today. I have been sitting next to him for the last five months but we have never really talked so I can't just tell him "whatever you're wearing must stop". But I guess I have to. Is there a kind way to do this?

Dear Asphyxiated:

Someone once decreed that one's perfume should not be noticed in a room where one is not, in fact, present. Which is the problem with cubicles -- they're all in the same room!

Questions of Hygiene in the Workplace must be approached sensitively. And questions of cologne are especially sensitive, since scent is used to enhance one's Personal Appeal. (Please note: Etiquetteer did not say Sex Appeal since the setting for this query is the workplace. Those looking to enhance their Sex Appeal in the workplace . . . well, all Etiquetteer can say is, they'd better watch out, or they could find themselves laid off [see above].) It must be a jolt to find out that something one thought of as a positive has turned out to be such a negative that it's created a problem for a colleague.

Your concerns must be approached with sensitivity, too. Many people have olfactory health issues that are exacerbated by heavy or pungent scent, leading them to lobby for Fragrance Free Zones in their workplaces. Whether or not your own reaction to this is medical or just annoyed, Etiquetteer imagines it impacts your productivity. No one can type well while holding a handkerchief to one's nose.

Etiquetteer believes most people who apply their scent heavily don't realize the impact it has. You can bring up the topic casually ("Did you just get some new cologne?") and then segue into the heart of the matter ("Actually, it's quite overpowering.") If the idea of raising this issue creates too much anxiety, talk to your supervisor about it. That's what supervisors are for, after all! Your supervisor can address this issue anonymously on your behalf with your Highly Scented Colleague, or can arrange for a Fragrance Free Zone for you by moving your cubicle.

A Gentleman’s Accessories, Vol. 6, Issue 6

Dear Etiquetteer:

Recently, I decided to use my 1920's pocket watch. For convenience, I've been thinking about using a watch fob. However, are there rules about where the fob hangs from? Also, does the metal of the fob have to match the metal of the watch?

Dear Timely:

A watch fob usually hangs at the other end of the watch chain. If you were wearing your pocket watch on a waistcoat, you’d put the watch in the pocket on one side, loop the chain through a buttonhole in the center, and stick the fob in the other pocket. With a pair of jeans – more common these days, alas – you put the watch in the watch pocket, loop the chain through a belt loop and then clip the chain to the belt loop. That would expose the fob; some might find that too showy.

Believe it or not, Etiquetteer has actually seen photographs of 19th century gentlemen with their watch chains looped through their lapel buttonholes, with their watches in their breast pockets! That fashion, Etiquetteer can safely say, is now as outmoded as spats.

Curiously, none of the etiquette writers of the past laid down any guidelines on whether the fob and chain had to match. Indeed, sometimes fobs were set with precious or semi-precious stones with a seal carved into them; Etiquetteer imagines they were actually used with sealing wax on letters.

The dictum those etiquette writers do lay down, however, is that all of a gentleman’s jewelry be as plain and unostentatious as possible. Remember what that little gnomish woman said in Unzipped: "Fussy, finished!" So as you commence your search for a Perfectly Proper fob, permit Etiquetteer to steer you to some of the better antique stores for assistance. As the late Amy Vanderbilt once said, "Heirlooms are never out of fashion."

Dear Etiquetteer:

For Christmas I was given some handkerchiefs with my first initial on them. The only problem with that is that I’m a guy. I was always taught that men have their last initials on handkerchiefs. Do I give them back and ask for the correct initial or keep them and have hankies that are wrong?

Dear Initialed:

First of all, no, you may not ask the giver to exchange the gift. Good heavens . . . just use those handkerchiefs anyway! Etiquetteer hopes you aren’t calling so much attention to them that people would notice the initial in the first place.

Marking linens (handkerchiefs, sheets, towels, underwear, etc.) with initials and monograms got started to be sure everyone got their own laundry back from the laundress, not as a status symbol. While it’s Perfectly Proper to have your handkerchiefs marked, it’s bad form to show it off.

Second, you are, in fact, correct about initials. A gentleman’s linen, when not monogrammed with all three initials, is embroidered with only his last initial. Ladies use the first initial.

Dear Etiquetteer: Is there a comfortable way to wear a tie bar? I just got one and I can’t stop wrestling with it during the day.

Dear Fit to be Tied: Etiquetteer considers the tie bar an unnecessary accessory for a gentleman nowadays. It’s actually a little déclassé as far as Etiquetteer is concerned -- not quite as bad as dental grills and other gangsta bling, but definitely not for the discriminating gentleman. Please just tuck it gently into your jewelry box and forget all about it.

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