Hugging, Vol. 15, Issue 7

Dear Etiquetteer: I just read your piece on the etiquette of shaking hands. It's an issue for not only shaking hands, but hugging. I am a "hugger" and receive great satisfaction from a hug from friends and relatives, but I wonder about your thoughts on the subject. Some people are put off by it and others feel quite natural with it. What do you think?

Dear Hugging:

Etiquetteer has to agree with you: some people are put off by hugging, and others, ahem, embrace it. Successful Huggers have the knack of knowing their Intended Targets - uh, Recipients - well enough to know if a hug will be received in the spirit intended. If you're approaching from six feet or more away with arms outstretched and your Intended Recipient doesn't look quite as eager, you may need to curb your enthusiasm. Making eye contact before a hug will also help you gauge how to continue. A hug in greeting is more a brief clinch. It isn't a "With my body I thee worship" Expression of Affection, with Full Body Contact from neck to knees, which could go on long enough to Excite Comment . . . and possibly much else that is Not Perfectly Proper in a Social Setting.

Huggers also need to be aware of their own hygiene so that hugging doesn't linger unpleasantly. Etiquetteer wrote once about the aftereffects of a sweaty hug. Social Kissing can be just as fraught with peril, too; Etiquetteer's also provided guidance on that topic.

Etiquetteer wishes you Happy Hugging with Equally Enthusiastic Family, Friends, and Acquaintances!

Next week Etiquetteer will celebrate 15 years of writing about Perfect Propriety. What issues would you, Dear Readers, like to see Etiquetteer cover in the next 15 years? What do you consider the most challenging issues of Perfect Propriety? Etiquetteer is waiting to hear from you at queries <at> etiquetteer.com.

Layoffs and Colleagues, Vol. 11, Issue 10

Dear Etiquetteer: I was recently catching up with an acquaintance and asked “How’s work?” and got the reply “Well, I was laid off.” I’m not sure what to say beyond “I’m so sorry to hear this.” How does one respond supportively, but not obtrusively? It’s a little easier with a closer friend as you can be a bit more intimate.  If it’s someone you don’t know so well, it can be tricky.

Dear Properly Concerned:

How Very Delicate of you to consider how best to respond without Unnecessary Prying. More often than not those in Unwilling Professional Transition are pestered with coded queries such as:

Question: "What happened?" (Meaning: "Were you fired?")

Question: "Were you downsized?" (Meaning: "Were you fired?")

Question: "Did they let a lot of other people go, too?"  (Meaning: "Were you fired?")

Question: "What are you doing?" (Meaning: "Were you fired?")

Question: "Are you OK?" (Meaning: "Were you fired?")

Question: "I suppose you'll take some time to yourself now." (Meaning: "Did you get a good severance package when they fired you?")

People react differently to being unemployed. Some go into complete tailspins. Others express anger, take a philosophical attitude, proactively begin networking by making the job search their Topic Number One, or decline to talk about it altogether. Gauge your response by that of your acquaintance. For the reluctant, drop the topic. For the angry and the depressed, listen and make Noncommittal Sounds of Sympathy. For the philosophical, speculate with them on ideal or fantasy careers.

The sentence "I'm so sorry this happened to you" is often the best response. Etiquetteer advises care with "If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know." Only say this if you truly intend to help out when asked! Few things are as embarrassing for those in Unwilling Professional Transition than asking for help from those who have said  "If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know" -- whether it's for a professional introduction, review of a resume or correspondence, or even grocery money -- and then not getting it.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I need your help. My male colleague in the next cubicle wears the most annoying cologne. I think this is a fairly new habit because I have never noticed it until today. I have been sitting next to him for the last five months but we have never really talked so I can't just tell him "whatever you're wearing must stop". But I guess I have to. Is there a kind way to do this?

Dear Asphyxiated:

Someone once decreed that one's perfume should not be noticed in a room where one is not, in fact, present. Which is the problem with cubicles -- they're all in the same room!

Questions of Hygiene in the Workplace must be approached sensitively. And questions of cologne are especially sensitive, since scent is used to enhance one's Personal Appeal. (Please note: Etiquetteer did not say Sex Appeal since the setting for this query is the workplace. Those looking to enhance their Sex Appeal in the workplace . . . well, all Etiquetteer can say is, they'd better watch out, or they could find themselves laid off [see above].) It must be a jolt to find out that something one thought of as a positive has turned out to be such a negative that it's created a problem for a colleague.

Your concerns must be approached with sensitivity, too. Many people have olfactory health issues that are exacerbated by heavy or pungent scent, leading them to lobby for Fragrance Free Zones in their workplaces. Whether or not your own reaction to this is medical or just annoyed, Etiquetteer imagines it impacts your productivity. No one can type well while holding a handkerchief to one's nose.

Etiquetteer believes most people who apply their scent heavily don't realize the impact it has. You can bring up the topic casually ("Did you just get some new cologne?") and then segue into the heart of the matter ("Actually, it's quite overpowering.") If the idea of raising this issue creates too much anxiety, talk to your supervisor about it. That's what supervisors are for, after all! Your supervisor can address this issue anonymously on your behalf with your Highly Scented Colleague, or can arrange for a Fragrance Free Zone for you by moving your cubicle.

Intrusive Fragrances and Other Matters, Vol. 4, Issue 39

Dear Etiquetteer:How does one, if one does, tell a friend who's a Radical Faerie, back-to-nature type, that their not using antiperspirant or mouthwash as a matter of principle leads to their often not smelling their best? How does one tell a friend who does too much marijuana that their getting stoned leads to their exhibiting unpredictable, unpleasant behavior, and that one would rather they did not get stoned around one? Dear Affronted: Well, you can bet that Dorothy Parker never had to deal with situations like these.Why does one have such friends in the first place? By this Etiquetteer does not mean pagans, rustics, or those willing to act on principle, but those who exhibit antisocial behavior. Etiquetteer doesn’t really care how people do it, but everyone is responsible for managing their own personal odor. Deity of Your Choice above, hasn’t this person even heard of patchouli oil?!This is a tough one, and no mistake. Aside from holding a conversation with a handkerchief over your nose and mouth – "I’m sorry, but it smells like they must be burning leaves at the bottom of the garden, or a skunk, or maybe the toilet backed up again, etc."" – Etiquetteer is at a loss. This is exactly the sort of person who should be given heavily scented soaps on all holidays. As for your spleef-toking friend, you communicate your displeasure by leaving the instant he or she lights up a joint. If this behavior takes place in your own home, you have an obligation to yourself to insist that he or she snuff it. Many don’t believe it, but both these situations can be handled politely. In the first case, plead headache, as in "Oh, I’m sorry I have to go, but the pot fumes give me a migraine." In the second, simply remind the pothead that smoking isn’t permitted in your home. Dear Etiquetteer: Is it appropriate to engage a well-known politician regarding his (to me) odious policies when he is attending a wedding as a guest?Specifically, should I find myself at a wedding at which Mitt Romney is present, may I approach him, politely, and inform him that I am one voter who strongly opposes his policies toward gays? That is, his support for the odious attempt to amend the Massachusetts constitution to overturn the court's requirement to extend marriage rights to gay men and women? And I should mention that this is a straight wedding, between previously divorced bride and groom. Dear Wedding Guest: Oddly enough, your letter irresistibly reminded Etiquetteer of the late Merle Oberon as she appeared in The Scarlet Pimpernel, saying to the Prince of Wales "Ah, but even a goddess must have moments when she is just a plain woman." (Really, Etiquetteer doesn’t know why don’t run out and rent this movie at once.) Which is to say that it’s highly unlikely that the governor is attending in the official of role of governor, but merely as a private person who is a friend of the Happy Couple. As odious as you find the governor’s policies to be, Etiquetteer would encourage you to respect your hosts and the occasion by not raising the issue. Should you be introduced to the governor, you might always write a Letter of Outrage and send it along to his office the next day. Now, if you end up chatting with the governor and he raises the topic himself, well, it’s open season and he deserves what he gets. Dear Etiquetteer:Is there any appropriate way to ask a person of multicultural/bi-racial background what their ancestry is about, without seeming prying, overly curious, or, worst of all, somehow racist?Dear Prying and Overly Curious But Probably Not Somehow Racist:No, so mind your own business. Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify@etiquetteer.com.