Dear Etiquetteer: I have a problem now that same-sex couples can get married and some are switching to the same last name. Ho do you address women in formal correspondence? When men are a couple -- married or not, same last name or not -- you can address them in the plural as "Messrs," as in "Messrs. Smith" or "Messrs. Smith and Jones." When women are a couple with different names you can address them as Ms. Smith and Ms. Jones, but is there a plural when they take the same last name? What is the proper way in formal correspondence to address a female couple with the same last name? Thank you.Dear Correspondent:As "Messrs." abbreviates the French "Messieurs," so does "Mmes." abbreviate the French "Mesdames." So you may begin formal correspondence as "Dear Mmes. Smith" or "Dear Mmes. Smith and Jones." Really, Etiquetteer does not see why not. Of course, this all falls to the ground if the ladies in question have political or academic titles. Then you would use "Dear Senator Smith and Ms. Jones" or "Dear Senator Smith and Dr. Jones."
Dear Etiquetteer: Regarding the act of holding open doors: did a memo go out saying this is passé? I can't count how often people let doors slam in my face, yet I'm just a step or two behind them. But I digress . . . My real question is a matter of distance. Have you ever gotten caught in that time warp of holding open a door for a person who is further away than they might have initially appeared, only to have them either apologetically run up to you or continue to dilly-dally? Or, ever let the door close behind you, only to feel somewhat guilty that you didn't hold it for the person trailing behind you? Is five feet far enough? Ten feet? At which point can you feel no remorse in not holding the door?Dear Floored and Ignored at the Doorway:Chivalry is not dead, rumors to the contrary, but the feminism of the mid-century has altered it significantly. These days Chivalry honors seniority (either professional or chronological) rather than gender. It's more usual now for someone to hold the door for the boss, or for younger people to offer this courtesy to the elderly. (But be careful; you remember what happened to Edna Ferber when she held the door for Dorothy Parker? As she opened it she said "Age before Beauty." Miss Parker sailed right past her muttering "Pearls before Swine" in her usual self-satisfied way.)Now that we've each had our digression, let's continue . . . Etiquetteer absolves you from any remorse in letting the door shut if the people for whom you are holding it are in no hurry to get there. To rephrase your question, Etiquetteer would advise you not to start holding the door if someone is more than 15 feet away. And if someone lets the door bang you in the face again, Etiquetteer gives you permission to launch into full Marcia Brady mode: "Oh my nose! Oh my nose!"
Find yourself at a manners crossroads and don't know where to go? Ask Etiquetteer at query@etiquetteer.com! Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify@etiquetteer.com.
Dear Etiquetteer: What is one to do nowadays with the titles Miss, Ms. and Mrs.? As a married professional in my late twenties, I prefer "Ms." (although I’m technically a "Mrs"). My single friends prefer "Ms." as well, and feel that being addressed as "Miss" places them among the ranks of 8-yr old Girl Scouts. My elderly great-aunt, however, would be offended by "Ms." and prefers "Miss" over all else.Your recommendation, kind sir? Dear Madam: As always, Etiquetteer recommends that you use Perfect Propriety when continuing to address friends and colleagues. Continue to refer to your Great-Aunt Agatha as "Miss Agatha Auntie" and to your professional friends as "Ms. Prunaprismia Professional." Either is correct, and therefore Perfectly Proper.As for you, madam, Etiquetteer feels bound to inform you that the honorific "Mrs." is really only used with Perfect Propriety with one’s husband’s name. If you took your husband’s name at your marriage, you would be correctly known as "Mrs. John Husband." If you hyphenated, "Mrs. John Maiden-Husband" or "Ms. Wifey Maiden-Husband" would be equally correct. If you kept your own name without making any concession to your husband, you could not then change your honorific; only "Ms. Wifey Maiden" would be correct.
Random Issues, Vol. 4, Issue 10
Dear Etiquetteer: I have a friend who just moved back to Massachusetts. Before he moved out of state, he and his partner had a commitment ceremony, which I attended and gave gifts. Now that they’re back, they’re planning an official marriage ceremony. Should there be another invitation, am I obligated to give another gift? At this point, I'm putting the cart before the rolling stone, but I was curious, and figured you'd be the right person to ask. Dear Generous: While the last Mae West was known to say "Too much of a good thing is wonderful," Etiquetteer will have to trump her with the more prosaic "Once is enough." Should you be invited to the wedding, attend with a Happy Heart and send a Lovely Note. Your social obligation will then be complete.
Dear Etiquetteer: A friend and I recently decided to go to a play. I offered to buy the tickets because I could get a special two-for-one discount and we could get better seats than we could normally afford. My friend forgot to show up for the play even though we had discussed a time to meet at the theatre the night before. My winter coat had a great fourth-row orchestra seat all to itself. Should I still follow up with my friend to ask her to pay for her ticket? We’ve discussed buying tickets to an upcoming show and an alternative would be to ask her to purchase two tickets at comparable price instead of reimbursing me for the show she missed. I’d appreciate your advice on how to handle this one.Dear Played:Your winter coat has historic company. J. Bruce Ismay, after he retired from public life once the Titanic inquiries were done, was known to purchase two tickets for concerts at the Wigmore Hall. That way he could keep his coat with him and no doubt avoid waiting in that long coat check line at the end of the concert.By all means your friend should fulfill her obligation to pay for the ticket purchased at her instruction. If the two of you agree that she should do so by purchasing seats for a future theatre night for the two of you, that’s Perfectly Proper. But should you prefer cash reimbursement, you are within your rights to insist on it.
Dear Etiquetteer:What do you think the conventional wisdom is regarding calling or e-mailing to ask about the status of a job application? I interviewed over three weeks ago for a professional position with a religious order and have heard nothing since then, even though I sent thank-you letters to the Mother Superior and the others with whom I interviewed.Any wording advice, if you even think I should? I don’t want to sound anxious or desperate, but I am interested in getting an idea of how much longer I’m going to have to wait for an answer.Dear Dangling at the End of the Rosary:After three weeks, Etiquetteer does not find it At All Improper to contact a potential employer with whom one has interviewed to find out the status of the search. You may telephone or e-mail, whichever is attuned most to their corporate culture. Etiquetteer encourages you to remember that companies only care about you in terms of what you can do for them and to tailor your communication accordingly, such as:Dear Sr. Olive Inamartini:It was a pleasure to speak with you three weeks ago about the position of Grand Panjandrum of the Cloister of St. Fistula, and I am e-mailing today to find out how the search is progressing and if I can offer any additional information to you or the search committee. I remain very interested in the position and look forward to hearing from you.
Find yourself at a manners crossroads and don't know where to go? Ask Etiquetteer at query@etiquetteer.com! Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify@etiquetteer.com.
Dear Etiquetteer: My husband and I need some clarifications on the "proper" amount to spend on a wedding gift. Now that we’re in our forties, we don’t go to many weddings, so we may be a bit out of it. He thinks we should spend at least $100-150 on a gift. I think that’s a bit high, and that $50-75 should do, especially since we are on a budget. Am I just in a time warp (or a cheap skate)? Dear Gifting: This may sound awfully sentimental, but Etiquetteer thinks you should give what your heart dictates. When you find the perfect wedding gift for your friends, get it, whether it's $50 or $150, or even $1,500. The value of the gift is more than money, and one hopes that the Happy Couple will value it the more because it comes from you and your husband.
