Wedding Invitations, Vol. 14, Issue 6

Dear Etiquetteer: We have a couple of wedding invitation etiquette questions that we're hoping you can help with.

First, we want to have a "cocktail welcome party" the evening before the wedding for all family, and for friends visiting from out of town. We are trying to figure out the best way to get this info to people. I think these are our options:

1. Include this as part of the formal wedding invitation on a separate card, thereby just inviting everyone invited to the wedding.
2. Include an additional card in some invitations that invites particular people to the cocktail party.
3. Send out a separate invitation entirely to those invited.

The second is our favorite option but I'm not sure how much of a faux pas this would be to include a separate card in some invites and not others. Thoughts? Would it be better to just invite everyone? We're just concerned about the number of people.

Second, do you have any thoughts about wording on the formal invitation itself for the reception? We want to include on the actual invitation that there will be "dinner and dancing to follow at ---," but also want it to be clear that this is immediately following the ceremony. Any way to do this without just putting the info on a separate card entirely, or is that our best bet?

Dear Happy Couple:

First, allow Etiquetteer to congratulate you on your coming marriage and wish you a long and happy life together. Your concern for others augurs well for a Happy Married Life!

Etiquetteer understands that your welcome cocktail party* is separate from the rehearsal dinner, to which Etiquetteer assumes only the wedding party and a smaller subset of family are invited. Before considering who to invite, let's first restate your purpose in holding this party, which should direct us in compiling a guest list. You write you want to give a party before the wedding "for all family, and for friends visiting from out of town." Using that guideline, the only wedding guests not invited are local friends. To Etiquetteer this seems perfectly sensible, though you may want to look at that list of local friends, and see if there isn't anyone there with particularly close ties to an out-of-towner who'd be there. For instance, if one of you belongs to a college fraternity or sorority, Etiquetteer would recommend that all brothers and sisters invited to the wedding also be invited to the welcome cocktail party.

Including an additional card in your wedding invitation for this welcome cocktail party would be Perfectly Proper, as has been done for wedding receptions for many years. Once upon a time, an invitation to the wedding was more sought after than an invitation to the reception; how times have changed, alas!** But considering that this party is for out-of-town guests, many of whom will have to book airline flights well in advance, Etiquetteer would encourage you to consider sending a separate invitation. That way they can schedule their flights to arrive in time (if possible, given the state of the airlines). This separate invitation would not have to resemble the wedding invitation, and could even reflect the more casual nature of the party.

As to the reception invitation, you actually included the Perfectly Proper language in your question. Your invitation should read like this:

Mr. and Mrs. Fairleigh Freshness

request the honour of your presence

at the marriage of their daughter

Miss Dewy Freshness

to Mr. Manley Firmness

on [Insert Date Here]

at the Church of the Deity of Your Choice

35 Blissful Way,

Upper Crustington, Connecticut

and immediately following the ceremony at

the Taj-Ritz Seasons Hotel Club

222 Colonial Drive

Upper Crustington, Connecticut

In the bottom left corner, put "Dinner and Dancing" along with your dress code. You may not put "And don't keep us waiting" after that.

Etiquetteer does understand that you'd like the wedding invitation to include the reception information, but encourages you to consider the separate reception invitation card.

*Please use "welcome cocktail party" instead of "cocktail welcome party." Welcome as those cocktails may be, your purpose in giving the party is to welcome the guests, not the cocktails.

**Etiquetteer sometimes wishes it was Perfectly Proper to include on a reception invitation "It will be quite impossible to admit you to the reception if you did not attend the wedding ceremony first."

Etiquetteer's Advice to 21st Century Brides, Vol. 13, Issue 53

Dear Etiquetteer: My beloved eldest niece - she who resembles me more than either of her parents - is getting married almost a year from now. So far she has save-the-date cards ordered, but as her mother had an awful upbringing in terms of manners, expectations, etc., I know she will not be able guide the bride-to-be. What are some of the pitfalls of which a bride-to-be should be wary in 2014-2015?

Dear Aunt Bridey:

A Young Woman approaching the altar has many pitfalls to avoid, including many within herself. The saddest and most obvious is the delusion that one's wedding is just as important to everyone else in the entire world as it is to oneself. The next is that everyone in the entire world is going to spend every cent they have gratifying her every whim; this is what Etiquetteer calls the Gaping Maw of Bridal Need. Etiquetteer hates to disillusion these women (actually, that's not true; Etiquetteer is fiercely eager to shred their Veils of Deliberate Illusion), but even one's fiancé is not likely as interested in the wedding as the bride. In fact, no one cares about the bride. They care about the bride caring about them. Surprise them all, and make your wedding guests the focus of your wedding!

Etiquetteer has some ideas about Brides Today and Perfect Propriety. Dear Bride:

1. Be a giver, not a perpetual taker. No one likes satisfying the Gaping Maw of Bridal Need. No one owes you the wedding of your dreams.
2. Ask yourself if this is really about you and your mother and/or mother-in-law fighting to see who can come out on top.
3. Ask yourself if you want a perfect wedding, or if you really just want to boss people around. Be honest. If the latter, get the ladder and elope.
4. Think carefully about the experience your wedding guests are going to have and make absolutely sure that your wedding will be a party they'll remember for the right reasons.
5. Make the conscious decision that you're going to have a good time with all these people, not have an anxious time trying to avoid them so you can be with your fiancé/husband. After all, you'll have him for the rest of your life!
6. It's a wedding, not a chorus line. Choose the number of friends you want for bridal attendants, not vice versa. An even number of attendants is not necessary - good heavens, attendants themselves are not necessary! (And you'd be surprised how many of your friends will secretly thank you for sparing them the burden.)
7. Don't be so selfish that you force your attendants to buy hideous dresses they'll never wear again.
8. Don't skimp on a gift for each of your attendants, and don't let your fiancé skimp either. They're your friends after all, yes?
9. Consider skipping the vulgarity of a bachelorette trip to Las Vegas and instead hosting a traditional bridesmaids luncheon the week before the wedding.
10. Expect to have a tantrum, and expect to apologize afterward for it.
11. Under no circumstances should you plan to do anything on the day of the wedding but be the bride. This means no assembly of rice bags or souvenirs or table centerpieces, no cooking, no nothing.
12. Do not publicize information about your bridal registry until people ask, and then send it to them privately. NEVER include registry information on a save-the-date card or invitation. People do still want to believe that they've been invited for the Pleasure of their Company, and not for the Generosity of their Purses.
13. Lay in some good stationery now and send your Lovely Notes of thanks as gifts are received. You may NOT wait until after the honeymoon, and you certainly are NOT given until the first anniversary to send these.
14. Keep it simple. The budget for ostentatious little touches might be better spent on upgrading the food.
15. Most important, plan to speak to every wedding guest personally to thank them for attending. They have taken a lot of time, trouble, and treasure to celebrate with you, and they expect to get to speak with you. They deserve your attention. Etiquetteer, of course, remains devoted to the idea of a receiving line - while recognizing that they are routinely abused by wedding guests (not always elderly ladies) who expect to have long detailed conversations with the Happy Couple. Another solution is to circulate among the tables during the wedding banquet.

Now, Aunt Bridey, Etiquetteer feels the need to advise you not to insinuate yourself too aggressively into the plans for your niece's wedding. If you and she are so truly alike and already have a strong relationship, Etiquetteer predicts that she will reach out to you to be engaged in some way in the planning. But it would not be Perfectly Proper to usurp the place of the mother of the bride, regardless of how accurate your assessment of her abilities is. You have a beautiful opportunity to set a good example by hosting a meal in honor of the Happy Couple's engagement for your own set of guests, with all the proper accoutrements. But let Etiquetteer be clear that this should not take place later than three months before the wedding, and it is certainly not a bridal shower. Things get busy enough the closer one gets to the Big Day.

Etiquetteer wishes joy to the Happy Couple, and peace to all involved!

The Behavior of Brides, Vol. 13, Issue 44

Etiquetteer has been fascinated with Sylvia, Queen of the Headhunters, by Philip Eade, his biography of Sylvia Brett Brooke, who married into the Brooke family, "the last white Rajahs of Sarawak." Sylvia's behavior throughout her life comes in for its fair share of disapproval - Etiquetteer can't say she was a Paragon of Perfect Propriety (indeed, Etiquetteer is just about to begin a chapter headed "To Hell with dignity") - but she did receive the praise of one dear friend for her conduct at her 1911 wedding. J.M. Barrie, best known to history as the author of Peter Pan, wrote Sylvia charmingly afterward about her beautiful consideration of others: ". . . so nice to everyone, especially to servants and waiters. I think the latter such a test of a nice woman, and I watched, and no one could have come more sweetly through the ordeal."* Reading this led Etiquetteer to reflect on the Bride of Today, who is usually so super-conscious of the wedding day being HERS, as though only her wishes and convenience needed to be considered. So many brides believe all they have to do is receive, receive, receive (but not in a receiving line): receive congratulations, receive compliments, and especially receive gifts gifts gifts (but only from the registry that has been shamelessly advertised) and money. And that they don't have to GIVE anything but orders: orders to give parties, orders to buy gifts, orders to buy ugly dresses, orders to lose weight, orders constantly to satisfy the Gaping Maw of Bridal Need.

Brides have a price to pay for all this, whether they like it or not, and it is the Gift of Themselves. Etiquetteer gets mighty tired of brides trying to wriggle out of their obligations to give back: by isolating themselves at "sweetheart tables" during the wedding banquet, by eliminating any receiving line** to avoid talking with wedding guests (many of whom have gone to considerable distance and expense to celebrate with her in person), and especially by adopting the fiction that Lovely Notes of Thanks are either unnecessary or able to be postponed until the first anniversary.

A wedding is a special occasion for everyone who participates, not just the Happy Couple, and consideration for the acknowledgement of all must be considered by brides. To Etiquetteer this means greeting each and every wedding guest personally (whether in a receiving line or by circulating among tables during the banquet, preferably both) and prompt and personal Lovely Notes to thank relatives, friends, and colleagues for their gifts (whether they were from the registry or not). Because you'll go on having to know all these people long after your wedding is over (and perhaps your divorce, too.) Don't make Etiquetteer come after you . . .

*Page 62, Sylvia, Queen of the Headhunters, by Philip Eade, 2014 (Picador)

** That said, people have forgotten that receiving lines are not places to have extended conversations. All you should say in a receiving line is "Congratulations! I'm so happy for you and you look lovely" and then give way to the next wedding guest. And lest anyone think Etiquetteer is simply a Mindless Slave to Tradition, Etiquetteer needs to emphasize how wonderful it is that the size of receiving lines has been dramatically reduced, from the Happy Couple, all four of their parents, and all the bridesmaids to just the Happy Couple.

Husband Alone at Wedding, Vol. 11, Issue 11

Dear Etiquetteer: I am invited to a family member's wedding in another state this fall, and expect to be able to attend. I shall be attending toute seule, as two of the children are in college, one will be in the thick of things in high school, and my bride believes her place is at home, making sure he's staying on task. Although the bride and groom to be are in their late thirties, this is their first marriage, and I'm just thrilled for them.

My questions are manifold: first is the obvious what to wear. Is a dark suit acceptable? If so, white shirt or light-coloured?

Second, the rehearsal dinner is at someone's home, so is that a suit occasion, or 'smart casual,' which I tend to think of as a dress shirt, open at the neck, and dark slacks?

Is there a footwear custom of which I should be aware in New York? In Minnesota, it is customary to remove one's shoes upon entering someone's home--with snow and slush covering the ground half the year, it makes sense to doff footwear so as to avoid tracking that mess into your hostess's carpeting. But I was not taught this social grace growing up in Michigan, so I don't know whether it's regional, or just a reflection of my mother's agricultural background.

The invitations say nothing about dress, and I'm confident that if I ask my brother or his wife, they will assure me that what's important is my presence, not what I'm wearing, which is characteristically kind of them, but ultimately unhelpful.

Gift? What is considered proper these days? Since they aren't teenagers, just getting started in life, they probably don't need a silver fondue pot or a half dozen toasters, and they've had the grace to omit any mention of a registry in their invitations. Would a nice card, with a check inside it be appropriate, and if so, is there a standard amount?

The couple have arranged for a block of hotel rooms at a reasonable rate. Is it expected that I will stay there, our is it perfectly acceptable to make my own arrangements elsewhere?

Finally, my son is attending college about four hours away from the wedding location, and I would like to spend a few hours with him the day after the wedding; is it permissible to leave the reception 'early,' say, around 10pm, to get started on that drive, or is the expectation that the guests will remain until the newlyweds retire?

Dear Husband:

That's a forthright series of questions, and Etiquetteer has answers:

WHAT TO WEAR: The invitation should have the dress code on it, but since you say that it doesn't, you must ask your brother and his wife. If they, as you predict, say "We really just want you to be there, it doesn't matter what you wear!" you must ask in reply, "What are YOU wearing?" Base your choices on what they're planning to wear. (But really, Etiquetteer cannot understand why hosts for big family events like weddings neglect adding basic information guests need like what to wear.)

REMOVAL OF FOOTWEAR: It is never Perfectly Proper to expect people to remove their shoes in one's home without warning them in advance. Again, you must ask your hosts what they expect since they've neglected to include this on the invitation, but Etiquetteer rather expect they'll tell you to leave your shoes on.

GIFT: A check is always Perfectly Proper as a wedding gift. Etiquetteer is delighted to hear that registry information was omitted from the invitation! That said, you may now ask if there is a registry and purchase something from it as your gift, if you wish. Etiquetteer is not going to suggest a gift amount. That depends entirely on the means and inclination of you and your wife.

ACCOMMODATIONS: The guest block has been arranged for the convenience of wedding guests. If it's more convenient for you to stay elsewhere, then it is Perfectly Proper for you to do so.

DEPARTURE: Married couples aren't royalty (though some brides clearly think of themselves as princesses) so you don't have to wait for them to make their departure before yours. It's customary, however, for guests to remain until the couple have been showered with rice (or birdseed (for the politically correct), bubbles (for the whimsical) or rose petals (for the romantic with unlimited resources)), so you should tip off the family that you'll need to be on the road before festivities end.

Next weekend is Labor Day, the official -- and often sad -- end of Summer. Etiquetteer expect you to join him in carefully folding away your white linen and treeing your white shoes until Memorial Day comes again next year. In the meantime, please do send your autumnal questions about manners to <queries_at_etiquetteer_dot_com.>

Random Issues, Vol. 6, Issue 14

This column also appeared in the March 21 issue of The Times of Southwest Louisiana. Dear Etiquetteer:We recently went on a vacation with friends and I offered to charge the house rental to my credit card. This was done under the mutual understanding that the other couple would reimburse me for their half of the bill. They have yet to cut me a check and I'm sure it's just an oversight on their part. Still, I feel very awkward mentioning it to them. I don't want to seem miserly but it's about $400. Is there a graceful way to broach the subject or should I just wait for them to remember? Dear Billing: First of all, you're taking the right approach to assume there's no malice on their part. It probably really is just an oversight that they'll be happy to correct. On the other hand, if you wait for them to "remember" it might not take place until it's time to plan your next vacation. Your awkwardness is not uncommon, especially with the amount in question; Etiquetteer encourages you to use that to your advantage. With an air of Infinite Reluctance, call your friend and mention that, in reviewing your trip expenses, you don't record their reimbursement and ask if you could get it right away. Dear Etiquetteer: What is a tactful way to communicate the dress code to a wedding? Although our wedding will take place in a garden, it's formal and we would like all the men to wear a suit. At the bottom of our invitations can we say "formal attire?" Dear Bride to Be: What time of day is the wedding to take place? If it's in the evening, say "black tie" and everyone will know you mean evening clothes. If daytime, once you could have gotten away with "informal," but no one understands that it means "coat and tie" any more. Etiquetteer would suggest "Formal;" in the USA, for a daytime wedding, that should be understood as meaning dark suits for the men. Of course, since it's a garden wedding, Etiquetteer hopes you'll encourage all your lady friends to wear picture hats and crisp white kid gloves! Etiquetteer remembers as a Very Little Boy attending a family wedding at one of those large old Southern houses complete with white columns and veranda. It was an afternoon reception with a lot of cookies and punch, and Etiquetteer still vividly remembers the young teenage bridesmaids walking on the lawn carrying huge silver trays of rice bags to offer the guests. Dear Etiquetteer: What do you think about saying grace in a restaurant? We always begin family meals with a prayer. Our children are getting to an age when we can take them out to restaurants now and then, but we want to keep this tradition with us wherever we go, because it’s part of our family life. Dear Praying: Etiquetteer adores the Freedom to Worship, both the Bedrock of our Great Nation and the famous painting of the same name by Norman Rockwell. Now you’ll recall that the painting is of a sweet old lady and a young boy saying grace before their meal in a diner. (Actually, Etiquetteer just looked it up and it’s called "Saying Grace;" "Freedom to Worship" is one of Rockwell’s "Four Freedoms.") You’ll also remember that everyone else in the restaurant has stopped everything they’re doing to watch them. Now while Etiquetteer knows this isn’t the intent, this little family group has made themselves rather conspicuous, and it is never Perfectly Proper to attract attention to oneself. (Etiquetteer certainly wishes someone would tell Britney Spears this.) In the Holy Bible, Matthew 6:5-6 comes to mind: "And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray . . . at the street corners, that they may be seen by men . . . But when you pray, enter into your closet and shut the door . . . " So Etiquetteer doesn’t question your intention to continue a stable, meaningful ritual for your children, that they might be brought up to be Perfectly Proper. But Etiquetteer thinks that its effect – undue attention to your family in public – is not what you really want. You might instead say grace before you leave home, or even in the car before entering the restaurant. Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify <at> etiquetteer.com.

Lovely Notes and Wedding Entrées, Vol. 5, Issue 28

Dear Etiquetteer: Not too long ago, I attended a lovely and informative, and not a little grand, buffet luncheon in the gardens of a stately house. The event was actually a fund-raiser for an Old New England Institution of which I am a very junior member, actually billed as celebrating the accession to Director of said institution of a good, talented, and engaging man who is a friend of mine. I attended both to support him and to get to see said stately house, which is architecturally significant, in the midst of restoration and not open to the public. My gut instinct, despite being a 'paying customer,' is to write an Etiquetteer-approved Lovely Note to mine hosts (the event WAS wonderful, and I fear the clock has already ticked a bit long). Perhaps it could be couched in terms of "Thank you so much for opening your home in support of O.N.E.I. and providing a brilliant, informative, and delightful afternoon for me, as for all - bravo!" My only discomfort with that is that I don't know these people, nor they me. Plus, I am in a profession where I don't want to seem like I'm self-promoting. And my reticent English side is suggesting that maybe it would be considered too forward or gauche even to mention it in this crowd. The only other minor complication is that I met the hostess but very briefly and I don't believe she shares the patronymic of the host, who was the only person listed on the invitation; this, however, I can ferret out from my friend the Director, I suppose. What are your thoughts, o great guru of that which is or is not gauche? Dear Well-Feted: It’s a rare day when Etiquetteer advises against writing a Lovely Note. Today is that rare day. After attending a fund-raiser, you are the one who should be getting the Lovely Note! In this case it would be from that Old New England Institution and it will tell you how lovely you are to have shown up to support the new Director; then, in much smaller type at the bottom, will cut to the chase and tell you about your tax deduction. Etiquetteer rather agrees with your "English side" in this situation. This event really introduced you to the Stately House as a Stately House and not as a Home. In other words, being greeted by the hosts in their Stately House at a fund-raiser is not a social introduction. To write them privately, no matter how pure your motives, would be considered "pushy" by the recipients. The best way to communicate your thanks is through your mutual friend, the new Director of O.N.E.I. The next time you speak or e-mail, tell him "And please do tell Belshazzar Grandee and his wife how much I appreciated their opening their home for your party. It was all the more special because of their hospitality." One last thing: it’s no minor thing to be uncertain about your hostess’s last name! Etiquetteer has been bruised often enough by assuming that "Mrs. Belshazzar Grandee" would be Perfectly Proper only to find out that "Ms. Shrieking Militant Feminist Termagent" was her real name. Life was much simpler when women didn’t have any choices, but that does not excuse Oppression. While more complicated, Life in General is much better now. Dear Etiquetteer: My fiancé and I are planning a small wedding of just immediate family and close friends. This nevertheless has created a list of 60. To keep costs down we'd originally planned a buffet dinner with an option between a vegetarian pasta and chicken option for the main course. After the tasting at the caterer, however, we were so impressed by the quality of both dishes and by the elegant presentation that we've decided that everyone would likely enjoy both dishes and to make it a sit-down dinner. The oh-so-tasty pasta will be the first course with the chicken as entree. Since the increase in costs has knocked a dent in our budget, we will not offer a second entree option. Some are saying we simply must offer a second entree choice, declaring that not everyone will like the elegant chicken dish we've selected. We're doing our best to accommodate guests with specific needs. A vegan relative and a friend with significant food allergies will each receive special meals. The caterer has told us they are unable to provide a whole different, formally-plated entrée without another significant hit to our budget. We'd like to balance generous hospitality at a memorable event with a reasonable budget. Can you advise? Dear Too Hot in the Kitchen: First, allow Etiquetteer to congratulate you and your fiancé on your impending marriage and wish you a long life of Perfect Propriety together. Etiquetteer is delighted that you’re only serving one entrée. Etiquetteer’s favorite entrée at special occasions like weddings has always been "Shut Up and Eat." Whether everyone "likes" it or not makes no difference. They aren’t attending your wedding because of what you’re serving at the reception. Besides, it’s an additional hassle to track down all the last responders to find out not only if they’re coming to the wedding but also what they want to eat. So offer only your elegant chicken with Etiquetteer’s blessing.

Wedding Survey Comments, Vol. 5, Issue 10

Etiquetteer would like to thank everyone who responded to Etiquetteer’s Wedding Survey. The survey will close Monday, March 20, at 10:00 PM EST, but Etiquetteer thought it appropriate to start addressing now some of the interesting issues raised by responding to some of the open-ended comments given at the end:Comment: Weddings are an expression of love between two individuals.Etiquetteer: Etiquetteer could not agree more, but would note that weddings are an expression of love between two people to their families and friends assembled.Comment: Make the wedding a celebration of your love of each other and those you have invited to share this momentous moment in your lives - not some nerve-wracking extravaganza where any detail that goes wrong dooms the joy of the day.Etiquetteer: Etiquetteer thanks you for including the guests in the general purpose of the wedding; Etiquetteer has long felt that the guests are often overlooked. As for the day being ruined by one detail gone wrong, Etiquetteer would like to point out that it’s the reaction to the mistake that dooms the day. So the groom forgot the ring? The flowers aren’t what you ordered? The mother of the bride secretly changed all the music in the service? The DJ ignored all your favorite songs? Laugh! Make every error a source of amusement and you will resurrect disaster into an anecdote for years to come.Comment: Formality is silly. A wedding is about commitment not etiquette.Etiquetteer: What do you think etiquette is? Talking in a fake English accent in a cathedral? A wedding is never about etiquette, but even informal weddings need a set of rules for people to follow to keep everyone from offending each other. And you would be amazed how often feelings are hurt at weddings.Comment: Weddings should be fun for the people involved. If it doesn't sound like fun, don't give one or go to one.Etiquetteer: Who said fun and etiquette don’t go together? Etiquetteer will never forget attending a family wedding with a buffet dinner reception several years ago. The Happy Couple selected a fish as their emblem. The groom made fish magnets for all the guests as souvenirs, as well as a bride fish and a groom fish for the wedding cake. They even had live goldfish instead of flowers for centerpieces. Instead of rice, everyone blew bubbles at them as they departed on their honeymoon. One of their friends even created a wedding crossword puzzle! And yet the wedding was as formal as any Perfectly Proper wedding, with a receiving line and toasts.Comment: I don't think the bride and groom or guests have any more of a right to forgo manners at a wedding. Everyone should be friendly and well-mannered even if they have been offended, left out in some way, or don't agree with the wedding choices. There is so much going on that people shouldn't take things too personally.Etiquetteer: Amen! But Etiquetteer acknowledges that this is difficult to do when you haven’t been invited and feel you should have been.Comment: I think the bride and groom should do whatever they want, but also be considerate of their guests. So, even if my groom and I want a steakhouse-themed dinner, we would make sure hearty veggie options are also available for those who don't eat meat. If we decide to get married in Europe, I would understand that my grad school friends just couldn't make it (and I wouldn't pressure them to show up knowing it was financially impossible for them). On that note, I think guests should be considerate of the bride and groom's values, etc., and what they want. So, it's very rude to criticize the wedding for not being traditional enough, nice enough, etc. If you don't agree with how a wedding is going to be held, just don't go. For example, I'm having a very low-key, nontraditional wedding (no bridal party, just cocktails and appetizers) for many reasons: it reflects my and my fiance's values, and it's cheaper that way (we're paying for it ourselves). Some people have decided not to come, because it's not worth flying cross-country for what's not a "real" wedding to them. To me, this is so insulting I no longer want to be friends with these people. My wedding is no less sacred or important just because I can't afford the traditional shebang.Etiquetteer: Etiquetteer is always amazed when brides do just what they want and don't understand why people feel unhappy about going to their weddings. Have you noticed that you’ve just ignored your own advice? You’re having a wedding that your friends disagree with, they’ve decided not to go (which is just what you’ve recommended), but now you’re insulted. If your "values" involve making people spend a lot of money to travel cross-country for a cocktail party, then it’s time to adopt some more selfless values. You are behaving like a princess bride and you had just better stop that right now. Etiquetteer thinks it would have been better for you to invite only those who live locally to attend the wedding and send wedding announcements to everyone else. Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify@etiquetteer.com.

Resumés and Receptions, Vol. 4, Issue 28

Dear Etiquetteer:In this day of e-mail resumes and cover letters, can you help me to sort out the rules?As a potential employee, if I've been given both a street address and e-mail as a contact, should I contact the employer in both ways? I certainly don't want to be a pest but if I missed out on the great job to the speedy candidates via e-mail I'd be devastated!And what about post-interview? To send a thank-you note for the meeting, can I do this via e-mail?I've noticed that as the whole recruiting process goes electronic the days of rejection letters seem to be completely passe. As much as I hate the "Thank you for your interest.... many strong candidates... you're a loser" sort of correspondence it can be settling to cross that possibility off one's list at least. Has this process fallen out of tradition or are employers now merely lazy? Dear Resuming:These days most job postings include instructions for submitting job applications, most frequently with the admonition "No phone calls." Resume submission by e-mail and fax has become standard, but Etiquetteer still believes that a crisply-printed resume on Perfectly Proper bond paper makes the best first impression. Some may Wag an Admonitory Digit at Etiquetteer for suggesting a duplication of effort, but Etiquetteer really thinks you should fax or e-mail your cover letter and resume first, and then send it via post with the superscription "Faxed/e-mailed on [Insert Date Here]."Interviewers determine how best to communicate after a job interview. Goodinterviewers will remember to tell you this, as in "We are still interviewing candidates, but I will be in touch with finalists in two weeks." They should also hand you a business card that should include their contact information. If an interviewer forgets to mention any of this, Etiquetteer permits you to direct the conversation by asking "So, what are the next steps?" and asking for a card and whether phone, e-mail, or footman is the best contact method.And now, with barely audible disdain, Etiquetteer is going to have to tell you that you never send a thank-you note after a job interview. Notes are for social correspondence. What candidates send is a thank-you letter on Perfectly Proper crisp letterhead. If more than one person has interviewed you, you send an individual letter to each interviewer. Make sure they vary a bit; you never know if they’ll all powwow and compare them. And make doubly sure you write, print, and sign them that night and mail them first thing in the morning. If possible – and Etiquetteer has done this – you may deliver them to the receptionist of the company in question, but only if you think you will not be seen by the interviewers.Like you, Etiquetteer laments the electrifying of the rejection letter. Somehow a printed letter in the mail seemed more human – certainly unmistakable – than another e-mail which could easily be spam. Dear Etiquetteer:I have a party, or more specifically, a wedding reception-related question. Two very good friends have asked me to help with some of the aesthetic details of their wedding. This is an honor and I am very happy that they are, after 21 years together, finally able to marry like our straight brothers and sisters.Here is my question: what do you think about weddings without a meal? My friends have planned for passed hors d'oeuvres and cocktails but no meal. The ceremony is to be about 4 o'clock, at their country place. I feel they should provide a meal. I might feel differently if it were in town and did not involve travel and a hotel stay for a majority of the guests.Two of my colleagues attended weddings in another state last fall, and neither reception provided lunch or dinner. They both felt hungry and like something was missing. As one described it, she was very happy for her friends, thought the service was beautiful, and the reception location a gem, but that the event from start to finish lasted almost six hours and the hors d'oeuvres were minuscule and in short supply. As the receptions were also something of a reunion of old friends both of my colleagues felt reluctant, though tempted, to duck out for a bite.While I am guessing that there is no requirement of a meal it does in my own memory seem to contribute measurably to a wonderful event and shared experience. If my friends were just starting out in life and on a tight budget I would feel differently, but they are clearly upper-middle-class owning three homes and a successful business.Here are my questions: do you feel there is the expectation of dinner, and is it correct for me to gently raise the question?Dear Drafted:Oh dear, Etiquetteer thought he heard a parakeet just now. Didn’t you hear it? It sounded like "Cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap!"If your lady friends are so intent on dragging all their kindred and kind friends into the country for a wedding, they ought to feed them lunch or dinner. If they were keeping them all in town (much more sensible, if you ask Etiquetteer) they could perfectly well get away with hors d’oeuvres. Clearly they are not thinking about how their guests are going to experience their Special Day. You, happily, have been put into the unique position of advisors to your pair of brides, and Etiquetteer encourages you to speak with them, gently, about serving a luncheon or dinner as part of their festivities. Find yourself at a manners crossroads and don't know where to go? Ask Etiquetteer at query@etiquetteer.com! Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify@etiquetteer.com.