Customer Service, Vol. 4, Issue 37

Dear Etiquetteer: What does one say to the proprietor of a faraway lodge (that I really want to visit) when queried about reservations and his response is "Go online and make your reservations yourself." Twelve hours later, when I had time to get to a computer, the reservation took about 20 minutes to make. The online, impersonal response only reserved one night of my five-day request. Back online, I made reservations at the same place in a different room, surmising that the problem was that the room that I wanted wasn't available for the entire week, so I volunteered to change rooms, ergo making a reservation for the remainder of the five days.The response was favorable but the main lodge, all the other facilities and the dining room are closed for three of the five days. And by the way, once the reservation is made online, there is a no refund cancellation policy. Poor business tactics.And I remain very interested in going there: the dining room is closed, but the lodge is a refuge and CULINARY SCHOOL! Dear Frustrated Foodie: Etiquetteer feels compelled to ask if this lodge is also a refuge from basic customer service. To quote the late Mamie Eisenhower, "Never mess around with some clerk. Always go straight to the top."But with sinking heart, Etiquetteer now observes that you are already negotiating with the proprietor, and not just some reservations agent. How very vexing!  So, what do you say to the proprietor? Tell this person exactly what you told Etiquetteer: that you were disappointed to be directed from a person to a website to make your reservations, and then angry and frustrated when the website made a bad, evil reservation for you that was not what you wanted. You then need to insist – nicely at first, then more forcefully if you don’t get results – that the proprietor take your reservation by phone at once.

Dear Etiquetteer: Don’t you think people should make eye contact with people they do business with? By this I mean that I am disturbed by fellow shoppers/customers who make no human acknowledgement of cashiers and other service people and the disappearing custom of thanking customers. I am so tired of "Here you go" or "You're all set buh-bye," when I want to hear "Thank you!" Dear Eyed: Etiquetteer would add to that litany of apathy the desultory "No problem" that comes from cashiers and waiters. It always suggests to Etiquetteer that they might, in fact, have a problem with doing part of their job.The Declaration of Independence offers some of the best etiquette advice one could use in the United States: " . . . that all men are created equal . . . " This suggests that both customer and employee are fully engaged in the transaction, and not talking on cell phones (you would be amazed at how often Etiquetteer sees this on both sides of the counter), watching television, or talking to friends to the point that the customer/employee is ignored. It also suggests that customer should refrain from condescending to the employee because they (the customer) are so much more superior. You are quite correct that a professionally cheerful "Thank you!" should be the last words from a customer service employee. And it should be acknowledged by the customer with a smile and a nod to conclude the transaction before the customer has started to walk away.Let Etiquetteer add, too, that customer service shouldn’t ostentatiously call attention to itself. Etiquetteer will confess to impatience with hotel operators who say, "It’s my pleasure to connect you" when all they really need to say is "One moment please."

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Reader Response, Vol. 4, Issue 37

Etiquetteer received some thoughtful and vigorous response to his comments about paper towel disposal in public restrooms:

From a health care worker: As a worker in a health care system, I have been trained to conclude my hand washing properly with drying my hands on a paper towel, using same paper towel to open the door, turning around and tossing the paper towel in the waste basket. That's how it's done.

Whether or not anyone saw you not wash your hands, those bad smells and bad germs are still on your hands! What bad smells? Urine has a strong lingering odor that permeates whatever is near it. Wash your hands, boys and girls. What bad germs? Why, strep and staph and things that make all of us seriously ill. Wash your hands.

At this point, it's not just etiquette. It's a duty to humanity, like driving while sober.

From a health care administrator: I drop paper towels by the door after I use them to open bathroom doors. I seek forgiveness. There actually has been a campaign underfoot for years by public health, epidemiologists, and other 'squeamish folks' for years to do just this: drop paper towels on the floor after opening bathroom doors with them. The idea is to encourage (dare I say train) folks who clean, design or build a restroom that a trash bin next to the door is needed and NECESSARY to decrease cross-transfer of germs.

An alternate goal would be to make exit doors in bathrooms push rather than pull, so this 'litter' is again unnecessary.

Littering may not be the answer, but washing your hands after using the bathroom and then opening a dirty door that others just have opened with wet or unwashed hands is defeating the whole purpose of washing the hands in the first place, especially when those people are kitchen staff who are about to touch or prepare your food.

Etiquetteer responds: Well all Etiquetteer can say is, that’s a mighty passive-aggressive "campaign" for change. May Etiquetteer suggest that a letter-writing campaign or a petition might be more effective than littering?

A reader submitted this charming story about the late Zero Mostel after Etiquetteer’s advice on How to Approach a Celebrity:

Back in the mid-sixties my former father-in-law and his wife were vacationing on one of the New England coastal islands (probably Martha's Vineyard, but I'm not really certain) and they were at the dock waiting to meet friends who were arriving on the next ferry. My former father-in-law saw Zero Mostel there, apparently also waiting to meet the ferry.

Camera in hand, he approached Mostel. "Excuse me, Mr. Mostel, but could I ask a favor of you." Mostel, no doubt very tired of always being approached by the public, especially when he was on vacation and attempting to relax, scowled as he turned. Mike continued "Would you mind taking a picture of my wife and me here on the pier."

Mostel was quiet for a moment, somewhat taken aback by this request that was the opposite of what he had obviously expected to be yet another request that he pose for a photograph, and then he burst out laughing and said "Of course." My former in-laws posed on the dock as Mostel took their picture. He was still chuckling as he handed back the camera.

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Personal Solicitation and Table Manners, Vol. 4, Issue 36

Dear Etiquetteer: Half-a-dozen times each year some friend or relative, out of the blue, writes or e-mails me with a thinly disguised request for money. Sometimes it’s for a business venture that allegedly will make me rich. Sometimes it’s to help with a medical problem (which they'll then refuse to document, even though they know I'm a health professional). Sometimes it’s to support their favorite charity (even though they're aware that I support a number of my own favorite charities). How can I - preferably early in the dialogue - let them know that I don't intend to fulfill their request, without - as is often the case - eliciting an angry response? The range of angry responses is impressive: shock ("How could you think that I was asking for money?"), a guilt trip ("Your parents would roll over in their graves if they knew what a skinflint you are!"), and sometimes it's just an above-it-all "I thought I knew you better" followed by a prolonged cold wind.) Dear Solicited: Etiquetteer has a lot of experience on both sides of this question, as an enthusiastic fund-raiser for underdog arts organizations and as one who has been "touched" for particular "opportunities." Etiquetteer can tell you recognize these conversations when they start. You have the power to make your position known early on by casually mentioning that your own investment strategy is more conservative now or that you’re focusing your charitable giving on your own favorite charities. This pre-emptive strike should alert your solicitors that you’re not interested. With illness it’s a little more challenging. Etiquetteer presumes that you may actually care about the people hitting you up. Confine the conversation as much as possible to the symptoms and treatment of the illness and not its financial repercussions.As the prospect, you have a few ways to react to your solicitors when they become less than polite. (And really, Etiquetteer is appalled by the reactions you detailed.) Etiquetteer frequently finds it beneficial to ignore the "elephant in the room" until an actual request for a specific amount of money is made. This gets you out of the shocked response you mention; then you can answer "Because you just asked me for money." Otherwise Etiquetteer finds you completely justified in observing "I’m so disappointed that only my money means anything to you. I thought we meant more to each other than that." Then you can blow the chill wind.

Dear Etiquetteer:

My partner and I recently hosted a sit-down dinner at our home for my extended family. The spouse of a cousin has the habit (yes, this has happened on more than one occasion) of placing, not to say grinding, his linen napkin into the remnants of his meal on the plate when he has finished his meal. Needless to say, this is rather unappetizing, not to say unhelpful when it comes to laundering the linens.

We obviously do not want to offend the spouse, but would like to have this behavior stop. Whatever shall we do?

Dear Harried Hosts:

The solution is obvious. Instruct your housemaid to keep a close eye on Cousin Zebulon. At the first sign of his completing his meal, she should whisk away his plate before he even has time to fold his napkin.

No housemaid? No kidding! You must forgive Etiquetteer’s longing for domestic service. Of course it’s so hard to find good help nowadays that no one even bothers.

It’s a grievous thing to have to correct a guest in one’s home, and it should only be done in grave situations (like bringing up politics at the dinner table or criticizing another guest to his or her face). Etiquetteer feels sure you have been tempted to give Cousin Zebulon a paper napkin instead, but singling him out from all the others would have an insulting effect you do not want.

Can you be sure that your backwoods relative sits next to you at dinner? This way when you see him start to remove his napkin from his lap, you can relieve him of it yourself, clearing his place at the same time. Purists will note that this violates the rule of clearing everyone’s places only after everyone has finished, but Etiquetteer thinks this the best way to preserve both the napkin and the feelings of the guest.

Etiquetteer's readers respond to this columnhere.

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Restaurants and Coffee Shops, Vol. 4, Issue 34

Dear Etiquetteer: On a recent trip with some friends, we stopped for lunch near a large university. The street was lined with any number of the usual sandwich and pizza joints, and a couple of nice-looking restaurants. We chose one almost at random that looked a little nicer than pizza joints and wasn't too crowded. There was no menu posted at the door, but we thought nothing of it given the neighborhood. After we were seated and the bread and water had arrived, we opened our menus and were aghast to find lunch entrees in the $30-$40 range, far more than we had intended to spend. Properly speaking, what are our options in such a situation? Dear Starving and Startled: Your letter reminds Etiquetteer vividly of a trip many years ago to that most interesting and self-oriented of cities, Manhattan. The news that Sally Ann Howes was performing in the Oak Room of the famous Algonquin Hotel lured Etiquetteer there with two friends. The entrance was so dark that we could not find a sign with the cover charge or menu; like you, no inkling of any financial outlay was revealed until we opened the bar menu and learned that the cover charge was $35 (or some equally outrageous figure) and that the drinks were priced on an equally lavish scale. The restaurant was so dark we think the waiter did not realize we were gone until the show started. At least Etiquetteer continues to hope so.To leave a restaurant as soon as you’ve been seated will only call attention to your party. And properly speaking, it’s never a good idea to call attention to oneself in public. You may infer from this that Etiquetteer finds it Perfectly Proper to lunch on ice water, salad, and Chagrin seasoned with Good Humor.That said, Etiquetteer knows it is simply not possible, financially, for some people to take even that course. When departure is the only option, leave the restaurant quietly. If stopped by the waiter or maitre d’, simply say "I’m sorry we can’t stay for lunch, but we have been suddenly called away" and no more, no matter how tempted you are to keep talking. Trust Etiquetteer, they know why you can’t stay.This should also be a lesson always to look for the menu posted outside most restaurants in little glass cases so that you know what you're getting into before you get into it.

Dear Etiquetteer: Something happened today that really annoyed me and I have to ask your advice. At a coffee shop in the town where I vacation, I was patiently waiting for my coffee for a longer than usual time. Turns out my coffee had been taken by the mayor of the town where I live! Is this reason enough to vote for the other candidate? Dear Caffeinated Constituent: Heavens, people change their votes over much more trivial reasons, so Etiquetteer doesn’t see why not. On the other hand, was it abuse of power, absentmindedness, or ignorance of whose coffee he had that led him to take your coffee? Unless the mayor in question has a record of corruption, Etiquetteer would encourage you to give him the benefit of the doubt.

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Netiquette, Vol. 4, Issue 33

Dear Etiquetteer: As you will eventually learn more about, my lover of 27 1/2 years passed away last year. People kept saying to be prepared because gay relationships mean squat in death. I told them we had it all covered through our lawyer. HOW WRONG I WAS!My father passed earlier this year. My mother buried her head in the sand and never acknowledged that he was sick to the degree he was. She still won’t admit what an ass she was.Now my need for advice. I read a blog where the blogger came out and stated his illness. People wrote back saying how strong he was to talk about it and how he would lick the illness. I have heard the same remarks from PWAs who eventually died. I’m familiar with the disease this person mentioned in his blog. Not only is it terminal, it moves VERY fast. I’m for positive thinking and all, but this guy and his lover should also be making arrangements for the worst. Instead they are playing house and talking all sweet about how he’ll lick the disease (I really hope he does, but the odds are against him).I can’t just write a comment to his blog with this advice and he doesn’t list a personal e-mail address. Plus, he really should hear this from a close friend or even HIS OWN DOCTOR. One thing I’ve learned from watching my lover and father die is that doctors don’t know everything about every disease. Also, after losing friends suddenly to A.I.D.S., I’ve noticed that the level of health care varies from geographic location to location. Either his doctor is not really familiar with this illness (my lover’s and father’s doctors were in the dark), or doesn’t have the guts to tell the patient. I even wonder if maybe the lover is having the information withheld.This attitude really sucks and people get screwed. You can’t change things after the person dies. Right now I’m taking the view that I don’t know these people and it is none of my business (but would I let someone kill himself using the same logic?). Your input would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. Dear Concerned Blogger: First, please accept Etiquetteer’s condolences on your bereavement. So many emotions come with the death of a loved one, and it can be doubly difficult in your circumstances. Reading your query, Etiquetteer was reminded of a former colleague whose professional advice invariably included the injunction "Trust in God, but lock your car." It sounds like the blogger in question has Part A taken care of, but could work on Part B. That said, all bloggers are different. Some of them are eager to put all their business right under your nose, others focus on specific aspects of their lives, etc. It’s difficult to assume that he hasn’t, in fact, actually been prepared for the worst unless he’s explicitly said so.It’s never Perfectly Proper to tell total strangers what to do with their lives, in person or online. You’d never know it; it’s almost a national pastime (look at Senator Santorum, for instance). As much as Etiquetteer understands your concern and compassion for this couple, Etiquetteer agrees that you can’t post the type of comments it sounds like you want to make on a public comment board. If the blogger doesn’t provide a personal e-mail address, he probably isn’t interested in what you have to say anyway.Since all the information in the world is available on the Web now, Etiquetteer thinks you would not be skating right up to the edge (but not over it) to post "Check out these websites for more information about [Insert Fatal Disease Here]. I’m pulling for you!" and leave it at that. This way you might not be seen as telling them what to do, only providing an opportunity to read information from another source.And now I have to drop the Etiquetteer pose and just talk. Your letter comes at an interesting time for me. I myself just made an official will for the very first time in my life on the occasion of a trip overseas. With the world blanketed in violence and terrorism, I just don’t think you can leave the country without a will. We none of us like to think about our own death, but as a person who’s been through the death of a relative who died intestate, the inconveniences are legion. (Etiquetteer might even say it’s really rude to die that way, but he’s not talking now.) You owe it to your loved ones to make the aftermath of your death as smooth as possible, and the way to do that is with a last will and testament dividing your property and making quite clear all your arrangements. It should be accompanied with a letter of intent outlining your funeral plans and what you want done with your remains. I hope no one will have to read my will for decades, but now at least I know it’s there if some evil thing happens to me.

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Weddings and Revolving Doors, Vol. 4, Issue 32

Dear Etiquetteer:I always thought that a bride and groom went to all the wedding functions, including the day-after breakfast. Isn’t this the case? Attending a recent wedding breakfast, I saw a few disappointed faces when the bride and groom weren’t there. Dear Rubbernecker: Etiquetteer remembers an old joke (but not its source, so please let Etiquetteer know if you know) about the Victorian wedding tintype in which the groom is seated and the bride standing behind him. "Shouldn’t the lady be seated?" asked someone. "On the day after the wedding," came the reply, "she was probably too sore to sit down and he was probably too tired to stand up!" You may take from this little anecdote that Etiquetteer doesn’t think a bridal couple should be seen at all after they leave the reception, mostly because everyone knows what they were supposed to be up to the night before. You can also bet that the wedding guests still present for any day-after festivities will want to continue speculating on whether the bride was really entitled to wear white. No bride should have to be present through that . . .

Dear Etiquetteer: Two friends of mine are getting married. Since they’ve been living together for over ten years, they really don’t need all the usual household gifts people usually give at weddings. They’ve decided to take a really adventurous honeymoon and would like to ask their friends to contribute to the travel expenses. Isn’t there a tactful way for them to do this? Dear Gifted Guest: Argh! For the last time, it’s the height of rudeness to tell people how to spend (or not spend) money on you, unless they ask and then they deserve what they get. For those who ask, the idea of a honeymoon registry (like other bridal registries for household goods) seems to appeal to many. Etiquetteer is alternately fascinated and appalled that such registries already exist, such as www.thehoneymoon.com, www.sendusoff.com, and www.thebigday.com, among others. Now Etiquetteer suspects some wedding guests will continue to balk at such a thing, preferring to present a gift of a thing rather than an experience. That is their right, and if so, the Happy Couple will just have to lump it.

Dear Etiquetteer:I work in a fairly large office building, with a very heavy revolving door at the entrance. I take pride in being a gentleman, and always hold open a regular door when I'm in the company of a member of the opposite sex, however, I don't know the rules about revolving doors. Am I being chivalrous by letting my colleague enter first, even though it forces her to push the heavy door herself to get it started, or do I enter before her so that I can do the heavy pushing instead of her? Thanks ever so much for your advice. Dear Floored in the Doorway: Thank goodness Chivalry is not yet dead! Etiquetteer is so glad that you wrote with this question, which proves that someone out there still cares about other people. You have just made Etiquetteer’s day! Etiquetteer thinks that gentlemen may gallantly precede ladies in revolving doors or exiting buses, but for different reasons. In a revolving door, gentlemen may not only do the "heavy lifting" as it were, but also regulate the speed of the door. This is more important than you may think. Etiquetteer has seen elderly ladies propelled to the floor by thoughtless collegians carelessly zipping through revolving doors. On a bus (or a flight of stairs), the gentlemen is always closest to the ground. So if you’re going up, the lady goes first and if you’re going down, the gentleman does. This got started back in the day when ladies wore huge gowns with 14-inch platform shoes (no, Etiquetteer is not kidding) and it was much easier for them to stumble. Gentlemen were there to break their fall. Happily, ladies’ fashions are less risky these days, but the function continues since the elderly or infirm sometime need extra assistance boarding the bus or getting upstairs.

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Birthday Parties and Thank-You Notes, Vol. 4, Issue 31

Dear Etiquetteer:My stepfather and I are planning a surprise 60th party for my mom. My stepfather is paying for almost everything, I think I'm just paying for the decorations and cake. The party will be in Florida and so far we know there will be at least six out-of-town guests who have to fly and stay in a hotel. The party is a Saturday night at a hall.The next day I'm planning on hosting a brunch for the out-of-towners at my house, and for the afternoon/evening I think a one-hour boat tour of the island where we live would be nice. The tickets for the boat tour are $15.00 each. If I suggest we all go on the boat tour, do I have to pay for all the tickets myself, or is it possible for me to say politely that each guest pay for him or herself? Is it crazy for me to even think that I should not pay for everyone? I don't want to offend anyone, but I don't want to buy $150.00 worth of boat tickets, either. Any thoughts? Dear Partying: If you present it as an optional activity that people can choose to do or not, Etiquetteer thinks you may be excused from paying for the tickets. You could say "For those who are interested, a boat tour of the island is scheduled every day at 4:00 PM. The tickets are $15 per person, and I’m happy to reserve non-refundable tickets for anyone who might like to go. Just please let me know by [Insert Deadline Here]. You may pay me when you arrive. Otherwise we can always hang out at Dad’s."Have a great party!

Dear Etiquetteer: I recently had a baby, and gifts have been arriving by mail for the past few weeks. We received two gifts that I thought were from childhood friends of my husband. The cards were simply signed "the Blanks." My husband now informs me that these gifts were from the PARENTS of his childhood friends, who of course share the same last names.My dilemma: I have already mailed Perfectly Proper lovely notes of thanks to the offspring of the actual gift givers. Part of this gaffe is easily rectified. I will mail thank-you notes to the appropriate parties posthaste. However, the couples who will shortly be receiving notes of thanks from me will probably be quite confused as to why I am so grateful for gifts they know nothing about. And more than that, these childhood friends did not send us baby gifts and my concern is that I am highlighting that fact in a most inappropriate manner. I'm mortified!What do I do? Should I call or e-mail my husband's friends and blame this regrettable episode on "Mommy brain?" Do I camp out by my local mailbox and accost the postal carrier? I have visions of me getting arrested for fishing around inside the mailbox up the street with an unbent coat hanger. Please advise. Dear Gifted Mommy: First, let Etiquetteer congratulate you and your husband on the birth of your child. Etiquetteer wishes you all long lives of Happiness, and of course Perfect Propriety. Next, Etiquetteer thanks you for getting out those Lovely Notes so quickly. What a pity the Blanks didn’t sign their card "Boaz and Jezebel Blank," which would have eliminated any opportunity for confusion, but alas, we are not all perfect. Etiquetteer finds your concern for your friends touching – so many mothers would simply tap their feet waiting for more Glorious Tribute for their Sweet Precious Darlings. But you need not fret so much. This sort of gaffe is easily passed over with a quick e-mail or phone call. "If you haven’t gotten it already, you’ll be getting a thank-you note from me and Jehoshophat for a baby gift that we actually got from your parents! So sorry for mix-up. Please just fling it wantonly into the trash when you get it." DO NOT even for one moment reference that you haven’t received a gift from them. Only your misaddressing the thank-you note is relevant to the discussion. And if this little faux pas prompts your friends to send a gift for Baby, Etiquetteer knows you’ll acknowledge it with a doubly Lovely Note.

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Reader Response, Vol. 4, Issue 30

Dear Etiquetteer: I was a bit saddened to see your excessively hearty embrace of the post-interview thank you letter. Such letters are a relatively recent development in business etiquette: I remember that they were considered rather aggressively self-serving 20 years ago (and almost unheard of several years ago before that except in very personally connected business interviews), and still can be considered so in many quarters. It may depend on the field, but I know that I have more frequently received job offers from places that I did NOT send such letters, and vice versa. I know many (many) business people who loathe them as an imitation of the personal in a business context. I and many other people actually prefer not to receive them; while I rarely hold them against an applicant, there have been exceptions -- especially where the letters fake being more that perfunctory. Fakeness is a distinct negative in an applicant for most jobs, except in acting and fund-raising, where the quality is essential to flatter the audience. Business thank-you notes are to personal thank-you notes as prostitution is to love: they can be OK only so long as they are not confused. Etiquetteer responds: Etiquetteer could not agree with you more that insincerity would sink any thank-you letter, personal or professional. And Etiquetteer would also suggest that "fakeness" doesn't really help any actor or fund-raiser. Someone once asked Spencer Tracy for advice on acting. His response: "Don't get caught." For thank-you letters in business, this translates to "Brief, concise, and specific."And let Etiquetteer add that, when you accept a job offer, it is also best accepted by letter ALONE, and completely without flowers, chocolates, or any other non-corporate trinket.

Dear Etiquetteer: This is a personal question of my own relative to the brides who were serving what sounded like wedding cake and a glass of champagne for guests who have spent time and money to honor them. Is the following not the proper formula for a destination wedding?

  • Guests are expected to pay for their transportation and hotel.
  • Once at the chosen destination, should invitees not be treated with almost the same hospitality as houseguests? That is at least two meals each day (continental breakfast and lunch or dinner, often hosted by relatives) and some sort of entertainment plan for the in-between wedding activities?
  • On arrival, welcome notes with possibly a small basket of fruit, nearby places to visit and a lineup of the wedding activities in each guest's room is not a costly thing and can be prepared well ahead.
  • Before departure, wouldn't a pre-written "thank you for coming" under their door be a nice but inexpensive gesture?

Maybe it's my Southern upbringing but darn it, if I go to the trouble of buying gifts, attending a shower, making reservations for travel and hotel, and sometimes buying a tacky bridesmaid dress, then giving up two or three days of my life, I'd like to know my efforts are appreciated. I'd also like a nice meal, even if the bride is a vegetarian and this is her day.Weddings are expensive. Plan on it or go to the city hall. Etiquetteer responds: Etiquetteer doesn’t know about you, but you wouldn’t see Etiquetteer poking Lovely Notes under hotel room doors at 8:00 AM on a Sunday morning after a wedding. Other than that, your proposal seems appropriate, but not achievable for those on a strict budget. For instance, assuming a Saturday evening wedding, Etiquetteer would find it Perfectly Proper for the out-of-town guests to go to the rehearsal dinner and a morning-after breakfast in addition to the wedding itself.Etiquetteer loves the idea of a little giftie waiting in the hotel room, and wants EVERYONE'S suggestions! Please send them to query@etiquetteer.com. And speaking of weddings, please join Etiquetteer in wishing Maria and Seth a long and happy life together after their beautiful wedding on Saturday, July 23. Rarely has Etiquetteer seen a bridal couple so radiant!

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Barkers and Panhandlers, Vol. 4, Issue 29

Dear Etiquetteer: I’m spending a lot of my time this summer in [Insert Name of Prominent New England Resort Town Here], and I find myself getting more and more annoyed with the barkers outside restaurants and theatres yelling about how we all have to come right in for dinner, drinks, whatever. These days it seems that they are asking more specific questions and trying to engage me on a person-to-person level. Like, I’ll be walking by and they’ll ask "Are you headed to dinner?" or something like that. My first reaction is to be irritated, ‘cause my plans usually don’t include what they want me to do. Then I feel guilty that I’m ignoring them or being rude to them by not responding. I end up angry at the barkers for putting me in this position in the first place! Am I doing the right thing by not responding and should I just get over myself, or should I really take the time to answer their questions? This is really stressing out my vacation plans! Dear Barked: Aside from the obvious solution (use [Insert Name of Alternate Street Here]), Etiquetteer wants you to know that the only thing you’re doing wrong is stressing out about this. Barkers are hired to engage your attention and attract you into their establishments, be they restaurants, theatres, or dance halls. Unfortunately, doing their job means getting you to pay attention to them. No, Etiquetteer dislikes this as much as you do. Indeed, Etiquetteer will never forget walking through the French Quarter of New Orleans several years ago and being hailed by a shoeshine man. Courteously passing by in silence, Etiquetteer was deeply embarrassed to hear the man call out "You look real neat ‘til you get to your feet!" Imagine if you will Etiquetteer continuing to pass by, this time in raging silence. To inquiries you do not want, you need only respond "No thank you" and nothing more. Unless they are exceptionally thin-skinned (not a good job qualification under the circumstances) the barkers will not go home to cry the bitter tears of the rejected. If you are in close proximity on a crowded street, you may add "We already have plans" to make yourself feel less uncomfortable. Etiquetteer also hears complaints about pamphleteers, those earnest folks asking you to sign a petition, contribute money to a cause, take a free newspaper or any sort of promotional postcard, etc. Indeed, Etiquetteer knows one sick-and-tired individual who has gotten to the point when, asked by pamphleteers if he has a moment for the environment, will answer back "No! In fact, I’m going to start littering right here in front of you!" You ought to know by now that Etiquetteer can’t endorse a response like that. Total silence, "No thank you," or even that old chestnut "I gave at the office" will serve you well. If any pamphleteer or solicitor should be so ill-bred as to continue to hail you after you’ve responded, Etiquetteer can only encourage you to say "No thank you" again and move on as quickly as possible.

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Resumés and Receptions, Vol. 4, Issue 28

Dear Etiquetteer:In this day of e-mail resumes and cover letters, can you help me to sort out the rules?As a potential employee, if I've been given both a street address and e-mail as a contact, should I contact the employer in both ways? I certainly don't want to be a pest but if I missed out on the great job to the speedy candidates via e-mail I'd be devastated!And what about post-interview? To send a thank-you note for the meeting, can I do this via e-mail?I've noticed that as the whole recruiting process goes electronic the days of rejection letters seem to be completely passe. As much as I hate the "Thank you for your interest.... many strong candidates... you're a loser" sort of correspondence it can be settling to cross that possibility off one's list at least. Has this process fallen out of tradition or are employers now merely lazy? Dear Resuming:These days most job postings include instructions for submitting job applications, most frequently with the admonition "No phone calls." Resume submission by e-mail and fax has become standard, but Etiquetteer still believes that a crisply-printed resume on Perfectly Proper bond paper makes the best first impression. Some may Wag an Admonitory Digit at Etiquetteer for suggesting a duplication of effort, but Etiquetteer really thinks you should fax or e-mail your cover letter and resume first, and then send it via post with the superscription "Faxed/e-mailed on [Insert Date Here]."Interviewers determine how best to communicate after a job interview. Goodinterviewers will remember to tell you this, as in "We are still interviewing candidates, but I will be in touch with finalists in two weeks." They should also hand you a business card that should include their contact information. If an interviewer forgets to mention any of this, Etiquetteer permits you to direct the conversation by asking "So, what are the next steps?" and asking for a card and whether phone, e-mail, or footman is the best contact method.And now, with barely audible disdain, Etiquetteer is going to have to tell you that you never send a thank-you note after a job interview. Notes are for social correspondence. What candidates send is a thank-you letter on Perfectly Proper crisp letterhead. If more than one person has interviewed you, you send an individual letter to each interviewer. Make sure they vary a bit; you never know if they’ll all powwow and compare them. And make doubly sure you write, print, and sign them that night and mail them first thing in the morning. If possible – and Etiquetteer has done this – you may deliver them to the receptionist of the company in question, but only if you think you will not be seen by the interviewers.Like you, Etiquetteer laments the electrifying of the rejection letter. Somehow a printed letter in the mail seemed more human – certainly unmistakable – than another e-mail which could easily be spam.

Dear Etiquetteer:I have a party, or more specifically, a wedding reception-related question. Two very good friends have asked me to help with some of the aesthetic details of their wedding. This is an honor and I am very happy that they are, after 21 years together, finally able to marry like our straight brothers and sisters.Here is my question: what do you think about weddings without a meal? My friends have planned for passed hors d'oeuvres and cocktails but no meal. The ceremony is to be about 4 o'clock, at their country place. I feel they should provide a meal. I might feel differently if it were in town and did not involve travel and a hotel stay for a majority of the guests.Two of my colleagues attended weddings in another state last fall, and neither reception provided lunch or dinner. They both felt hungry and like something was missing. As one described it, she was very happy for her friends, thought the service was beautiful, and the reception location a gem, but that the event from start to finish lasted almost six hours and the hors d'oeuvres were minuscule and in short supply. As the receptions were also something of a reunion of old friends both of my colleagues felt reluctant, though tempted, to duck out for a bite.While I am guessing that there is no requirement of a meal it does in my own memory seem to contribute measurably to a wonderful event and shared experience. If my friends were just starting out in life and on a tight budget I would feel differently, but they are clearly upper-middle-class owning three homes and a successful business.Here are my questions: do you feel there is the expectation of dinner, and is it correct for me to gently raise the question?Dear Drafted:Oh dear, Etiquetteer thought he heard a parakeet just now. Didn’t you hear it? It sounded like "Cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap!"If your lady friends are so intent on dragging all their kindred and kind friends into the country for a wedding, they ought to feed them lunch or dinner. If they were keeping them all in town (much more sensible, if you ask Etiquetteer) they could perfectly well get away with hors d’oeuvres. Clearly they are not thinking about how their guests are going to experience their Special Day. You, happily, have been put into the unique position of advisors to your pair of brides, and Etiquetteer encourages you to speak with them, gently, about serving a luncheon or dinner as part of their festivities.

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Laundry Room Rules, Vol. 4, Issue 27

Dear Etiquetteer:We seem to be having some troubles in our community laundry room and I’m writing for advice. This is a condo association of four units, all owner-occupied but with some roommates renting second bedrooms. For the most part everyone gets along day to day, and those of us on the condo board have been able to manage our affairs pleasantly.Of course everyone does things differently, and the only place this turns out to be a problem is with the laundry. For instance, I think it’s very important to clean out the lint tray before each load goes into the dryer, but the lint is usually so thick I think I’m the only one doing it.Even worse, some people will leave their laundry in the machines (there is one washer and one dryer) for as long as two days! This is a real inconvenience, and not just because I don’t want to get that close to my neighbor’s underwear. How can I approach this problem without looking too stuffy?Dear Steamed and Pressed:Etiquetteer suspects that you are not the only person who feels inconvenienced (though you may be the only person who cares about the lint trap.) At your next condo board meeting you will need to present for approval Etiquetteer’s Laundry Room Rules and Regulations, as listed below, and then post them in the laundry room:

Etiquetteer’s Laundry Room Rules and Regulations

Laundry facilities are provided by the condo association for all residents. Please be considerate of your neighbors by remembering that other people are using the same facilities as yourself.

  1. Please check the lint trap before each load that goes into the dryer, remove all lint, and throw away in the trashcan provided. This will reduce the risk of fire.
  2. If you wish, you may leave your detergent and other laundry equipment on the shelves provided. DO NOT use anyone else’s detergent/equipment without first asking permission. Wickedly using other people’s belongings will result in reducing the trust and neighborliness needed for a successful condo association.
  3. Please show courtesy to your neighbors by removing your clothes from the machines as soon as possible. Leaving clothes overnight in either machine is just plain rude anyway.
  4. Other residents have permission to remove your clothes from the machines if they are in the way. If you do not like having other people handling your clothes, it is your responsibility to be sure that they aren’t in someone else’s way.
  5. Please don’t forget to remove fabric softener sheets from the dryer with your clothes.
  6. If you make a mess, please clean it up yourself as quickly as possible.
  7. We do not have room in the laundry room for you to flat-dry sweaters, etc. Please do so in your unit.
  8. This is not a dormitory. While laundry day tends to be casual for most people, please don’t get so casual that anyone walking in might be embarrassed.

Your condo association should definitely be providing (as space permits) the trashcan and shelves mentioned. It’s also a very good idea to provide at least one table for folding clothes, ironing board, and hanging rack with hangers for shirts.Etiquetteer hopes this is enough starch to keep everything smooth without being too stiff.

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More Party Questions, Vol. 4, Issue 26

Dear Etiquetteer: While attending a recent public celebration/street party I was perplexed by the following situation. As I finished my beverage, I looked around for a proper recycling receptacle for my can. I spied one close by and noticed an elderly street person hovering over it. Nearby was her shopping cart, filled to the brim with cans. As I watched further, I noticed her occasionally bending over and poking through the trash looking for fresh five-cent gems. I thought, what is the appropriate thing to do? Do I walk over and hand the can to her? Do I wait for her to be distracted and throw the can in? Or, do I throw it into the receptacle while she is watching so that she is aware that a fresh gem is waiting to be added to her collection?Dear Canning:Etiquetteer certainly understands your reluctance to engage in face-to-face communications with street people. Many sane people have been forced from the security of a home onto the streets by tragic circumstances. But one frequently sees the more, uh, shall we say reality-challenged street person instead, anxious to ask you to write to the President about legislation to prevent drivers from honking their horns between 3:00 and 4:00 AM on residential streets where dyslexics live. While one pities their condition, of course, one usually doesn’t want to engage them individually.Ask yourself what sort of street person this "canner" is. If they pass your Impromptu Street Sanity Test, by all means smilingly hand him or her your can. Please do so frankly and pleasantly, without any hint of condescension. Remember, we are all Americans and are therefore created equal.Otherwise, if the street person appears to be "a few cans short of a twelve-pack," Etiquetteer would encourage you to a) find another receptacle, or b) dispose of it as surrepetiously as possible without that person noticing.

Dear Etiquetteer: I am another denizen of cubicles whose work group has seen fit to overcome the calf-pen atmosphere by throwing birthday soirees. These gatherings involve everyone getting up and joining the crowd in the center of the room, where the birthday person is summoned for a "meeting" and must feign surprise at the sight of cake and a communally signed card.The gesture is intended to be thoughtful, but I found myself on the receiving end of just such a party when I happened to be under the weather. I had made it plain earlier in the day to the person supplying the cake that everyone should enjoy without me, but found myself dragged out at cake time nonetheless. Because I was not partaking of cake, I stayed briefly, explaining that I didn't feel well and that people should help themselves. I then departed to my cubicle to complete some work tasks that needed my attention; the party went on without me.Was there some more gracious way of handling the situation? I do owe the cake-bringer an apology; she went to the trouble of bringing something in for me. But not feeling well aside, what is the statute of limitations on how much time one must spend gabbing to coworkers on the company dime, for the sake of team spirit?Love your column. May you be frequently linked and prosper. Dear Caked: The real question here is, how can a guest of honor at a surprise birthday party cut short one’s appearance without showing disrespect to fellow colleagues who only want to celebrate one’s special day? Etiquetteer’s answer, you will not be surprised to learn, is that it’s nearly impossible. Hearing you plead ill health, Etiquetteer’s first reaction is to ask what you were doing at the office that day anyway. At a work party such as the one you describe, Etiquetteer thinks that only a work excuse is appropriate. Your hasty retreat would have been more understandable had you pleaded the advancing deadlines of the projects you mentioned, of which surely some of your other colleagues would be aware – especially since everyone in a cube farm knows a lot more about everyone else’s business than they ought to. Otherwise, it’s best to grin and bear it, or at least stay home if you’re really sick.

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Parties and Invitations, Vol. 4, Issue 25

Dear Etiquetteer: I’m about to send out invitations for a "milestone" birthday party. One of the issues I have is space at the party place. Since the number of people I plan to entertain is limited to 80-100, and since this limitation has financial repercussions (open bar up to a certain amount of money) how can I emphasize that yes, in fact, I DO need an RSVP and we need it as soon as possible, and no, you cannot bring friends so don’t ask and for gods sake don’t just bring them.It’s particularly a problem for me since my guest list is used to my very casual brunch invites, which have encouraged people to bring friends and I long ago gave up even expecting a reply to an RSVP. At first I thought of asking you for a kind way to address these issues, but frankly with this bunch I want to find a way to say it that isn’t so veiled in social niceties that people don’t get it or choose to see beyond it. I realize that will always be some people who feel "Don’t even @#(*in’ think of bringing a guest!" doesn’t apply to them, but I am open to suggestions.Dear Hostly:Well, we are just infected with the spirit of hospitality, aren’t we? Etiquetteer knows many people who entertain casually who become alarmed when attempting a more formal party. Well, "formal" may not be the word – "advanced" probably sums it up best. This is the kind of party that one does outside the home, at a hotel or function hall, with a caterer when one usually just whips up an omelette in the kitchen at home for ten people. Weddings most frequently fall into this category.Because your guests’ expectations of this party will be different, you need to communicate that your expectations of them are also different. The most traditional way to emphasize that your guests may not bring guests of their own is to write the names of those invited on the invitation, as in "Mr. and Mrs. G.D. Fargin-Bastidge are cordially invited . . . " Somehow Etiquetteer doesn't see you superscribing all your invitations . . .How about adding "We regret that we cannot extend invitations to additional guests" at the bottom under the R.s.v.p. information? That would get the point across explicitly without pointing fingers. As to getting people to respond by your deadline, the traditional admonition on an invitation is "The favour of a reply is requested." (Please notice the u in "favour.") A more hard-line approach, which Etiquetteer does not necessarily endorse, is "Responses will not be accepted after _____________."As you calculcate your response date, take the caterer's deadline (usually five business days before the event) and add two days. But Etiquetteer knows you’ll spend them phoning and e-mailing everyone anyway.

Dear Etiquetteer: My husband and I heatedly disagree on the subject of who is obligated to attend an engagement party. His brother recently became engaged, and an engagement party is planned. My mother-in-law insists that her other two adult children and families travel 255 miles to attend. I maintain that the party is for the in-laws to get acquainted and siblings need not be present.The party happens to be the same weekend as a festival in my own hometown, 225 miles in the opposite direction, which I take our children to every year. Must I cave and go to the blasted party? Please respond soon! Dear Party Pooper: Etiquetteer feels obliged to point out that you have trapped yourself into going to this engagement party through your own definition: "for the in-laws to get acquainted." Ahem, do you not realize thatyou yourself are an in-law? Your brother-in-law is getting married, and over and above what your mother-in-law thinks, you may want to take his feelings into account. You might also want to welcome his bride-to-be into the family and give her some pointers on getting along with the matriarch. These alliances cannot be formed too soon . . . Incidentally, an engagement party need not be limited to the families of the betrothed, but may certainly include any friends or colleagues they wish. Frequently marriage brings together more circles than just family circles.Your hometown festival takes place annually, but your brother-in-law will marry only once (at least he’d better marry only once). Missing one year is not going to be as big a deal as missing this party. And let’s face it, no one at the festival will be visiting you in the hospital as much as your husband’s family. Etiquetteer urges you to take a pass on the hometown this time and attend the party with a happy heart.

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Gallantry and Tipping, Vol. 4, Issue 24

Dear Etiquetteer: I was recently in a situation where my sister, a married lady, was at a family event in a club and was unaccompanied by her husband. My mother came up to me and asked me to buy my sister a soft drink from the bar. It was not a problem and I was happy to do this; I get on well with my mom and sister. But it was an odd request. My mother later related that it is inappropriate for a married woman to approach a bar and buy a drink sans husband. Have I missed the memo? Haven't we progressed to the 21st century? This reeks of all those bad Taliban stories we read about in the papers with women embargoed from all aspects of life. I just don't get it. Perhaps I should keep a cape handy in case a woman needs to perambulate over some mud. Dear Gallant Family Man: Perhaps you should just get over it and listen to your mother. Etiquetteer adores your mother and can’t wait to take her to lunch. She understands that we have progressed into the 21st century in every way but gossip, and that a matron has to protect her reputation. Etiquetteer thanks you for accommodating her request, even while doubting the reasoning behind it. You have helped to prove that Chivalry isn’t dead yet. By the way, Etiquetteer has always been fond of big Inverness capes and opera cloaks, but alas, they look out of place unless you’re tramping the moors or taking in La Traviata.

Dear Etiquetteer: Do you tip your housecleaner? Is there a certain percentage that one tips each time? or at holiday time? Do you know anything about the etiquette of this?OK, so that was four questions. I would have answered: no, I don't tip the housecleaner. She's doing a job, she's getting paid cash. I figure that's tip in and of itself, since she's not claiming it on her taxes! As for holidays, I would consider the equivalent of a weekly fee as "tip". But, I'd much rather get the most proper response from dear Etiquetteer! Dear Lady Bountiful: Etiquetteer has said before that one’s housemaid or housekeeper (the term "housecleaner" sounds like a detergent to Etiquetteer: "New and Improved Housecleaner, now with Scrubbing Acid for those Tough Stains"), along with any other domestic staff, should be tipped at the end of the year (you can go back here for all the details). It’s certainly not necessary to tip her each week, but if some special, extra service is performed (cleaning up after a party of marauding yaks or frat boys, for instance) an additional gratuity is Perfectly Proper.

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Feminine Honorifics and Feminism at the Door, Vol. 4, Issue 21

Dear Etiquetteer: What is one to do nowadays with the titles Miss, Ms. and Mrs.? As a married professional in my late twenties, I prefer "Ms." (although I’m technically a "Mrs"). My single friends prefer "Ms." as well, and feel that being addressed as "Miss" places them among the ranks of 8-yr old Girl Scouts. My elderly great-aunt, however, would be offended by "Ms." and prefers "Miss" over all else.Your recommendation, kind sir? Dear Madam: As always, Etiquetteer recommends that you use Perfect Propriety when continuing to address friends and colleagues. Continue to refer to your Great-Aunt Agatha as "Miss Agatha Auntie" and to your professional friends as "Ms. Prunaprismia Professional." Either is correct, and therefore Perfectly Proper.As for you, madam, Etiquetteer feels bound to inform you that the honorific "Mrs." is really only used with Perfect Propriety with one’s husband’s name. If you took your husband’s name at your marriage, you would be correctly known as "Mrs. John Husband." If you hyphenated, "Mrs. John Maiden-Husband" or "Ms. Wifey Maiden-Husband" would be equally correct. If you kept your own name without making any concession to your husband, you could not then change your honorific; only "Ms. Wifey Maiden" would be correct.

Dear Etiquetteer: I have a problem now that same-sex couples can get married and some are switching to the same last name. Ho do you address women in formal correspondence? When men are a couple -- married or not, same last name or not -- you can address them in the plural as "Messrs," as in "Messrs. Smith" or "Messrs. Smith and Jones." When women are a couple with different names you can address them as Ms. Smith and Ms. Jones, but is there a plural when they take the same last name? What is the proper way in formal correspondence to address a female couple with the same last name? Thank you.Dear Correspondent:As "Messrs." abbreviates the French "Messieurs," so does "Mmes." abbreviate the French "Mesdames." So you may begin formal correspondence as "Dear Mmes. Smith" or "Dear Mmes. Smith and Jones." Really, Etiquetteer does not see why not. Of course, this all falls to the ground if the ladies in question have political or academic titles. Then you would use "Dear Senator Smith and Ms. Jones" or "Dear Senator Smith and Dr. Jones."

Dear Etiquetteer: Regarding the act of holding open doors: did a memo go out saying this is passé? I can't count how often people let doors slam in my face, yet I'm just a step or two behind them. But I digress . . . My real question is a matter of distance. Have you ever gotten caught in that time warp of holding open a door for a person who is further away than they might have initially appeared, only to have them either apologetically run up to you or continue to dilly-dally? Or, ever let the door close behind you, only to feel somewhat guilty that you didn't hold it for the person trailing behind you? Is five feet far enough? Ten feet? At which point can you feel no remorse in not holding the door?Dear Floored and Ignored at the Doorway:Chivalry is not dead, rumors to the contrary, but the feminism of the mid-century has altered it significantly. These days Chivalry honors seniority (either professional or chronological) rather than gender. It's more usual now for someone to hold the door for the boss, or for younger people to offer this courtesy to the elderly. (But be careful; you remember what happened to Edna Ferber when she held the door for Dorothy Parker? As she opened it she said "Age before Beauty." Miss Parker sailed right past her muttering "Pearls before Swine" in her usual self-satisfied way.)Now that we've each had our digression, let's continue . . . Etiquetteer absolves you from any remorse in letting the door shut if the people for whom you are holding it are in no hurry to get there. To rephrase your question, Etiquetteer would advise you not to start holding the door if someone is more than 15 feet away. And if someone lets the door bang you in the face again, Etiquetteer gives you permission to launch into full Marcia Brady mode: "Oh my nose! Oh my nose!"

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Perfect Propriety for Presidents, Vol. 4, Issue 20

Dear Etiquetteer: I'm a chief academic officer at a small private college and desperately need your advice in how to handle that Mother of All Uncivil Behavior, the College President.  If you don't believe me, let me tell you a hair-raising, yet true, story.Some time ago the president of a college where I consulted got into a snit with his faculty, not because of inept or corrupt management, but because he was a bully and a tyrant.  The faculty moved heart and soul first to redeem him and second, when all attempts failed, to unseat him.  This, of course, enraged him more, and he set out on a path of revenge against his enemies, real and imagined.After several years of tireless effort cultivating its best and brightest students to compete for prestigious national fellowships, the college found itself in the enviable position of having produced its first-ever winner of the distinguished and coveted [Insert Name of Distinguished and Coveted Fellowship Here].  Everyone at the school was ecstatic and endeavored to celebrate the young woman’s triumph with great fanfare.At the luncheon following the annual spring awards convocation, the student and her parents found themselves walking next to the college president as they were leaving the auditorium.  He did not speak to the young woman and also ignored her parents, although he did congratulate another student present for having won some lesser honors.  The fellowship recipient and her parents were surprised but thought it merely an oversight. As they waited at the head table where they and several other students and parents were placed, they received an even greater insult.  The president arrived at the head table, and instead of sitting down, picked up his placecard, said only, "I'm going to move to another table," turned his back and walked away.  The reason for this snub was simple: the student’s advisor was a faculty member who had worked to remove the president.  The young woman and her parents were crushed. Well, Etiquetteer, I know you are as horrified as we all were.  Could you please comment on appropriate behavior of chief executives in academia?   And especially offer some insights for those leaders who must be attentive to the ceremonial role of their positions? Dear Chief Academic Officer Who Never Wants to Be a President: Etiquetteer’s heart goes out to that poor fellowship winner and her parents, needlessly snubbed just like a child stuck between two divorcing parents. Your college president seems to be guided by the maxim “The friend of my enemy is my enemy.” This is not only foolish, but could be disastrous for the future of the college in question. Small-Minded People should never be placed in Big Picture Positions. Academic leaders, like world leaders, cannot afford to compromise their dignity or to burn bridges. This means that the carrying-on of blood feuds such as the one you describe need as much as possible to be limited to the issues, and not to personalities. We have only to look back as recently as last year for examples. Take, for instance, the profane way Vice President Cheney treated Senator Patrick Leahy during their “class photo” in Congress. It justifies what Cornelia Robson said in Agatha Christie’s Death on the Nile: “Cousin Marie says politicians aren’t gentlemen.”All this is to say that whatever disagreements one may have with a colleague, they must be confined only to the colleague, and they must not intrude on the public role of the college presidency. And of course that public role involves acting as a figurehead for the entire college, and acknowledging dignitaries and special guests, such as your fellowship winner and her parents. Most of this can be limited to hand-shaking en masse, taking seats of honor on daises, delivering keynote addresses, making small talk with people who speak other languages in the glare of photographers and thousands of onlookers, and remembering to wear pants under one’s academic gown. Etiquetteer will admit that this routine can become grinding after only a few years, but heavy lies the head that wears a mortarboard.Your Petty Little President behaved inexcusably moving to another table, and if it were up to Etiquetteer he’d get a good sound spanking. As it is, he needs a handler who will stick to him like glue and make sure he behaves the way he ought, and Etiquetteer is not kidding. Heads of state and celebrities of all stripes employ people to help them remember everything they need to do and everyone whose names they are supposed to remember. Your guy needs to shape up and hire one pronto if he cares anything about the institution he’s leading.

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Random Issues, Vol. 4, Issue 19

Dear Etiquetteer: When going out as a group for lunch, how much do you pay when you know you only ordered a small salad but everyone else had drinks and appetizers, too? And how do you politely, firmly refuse to pay more? Sometimes avoiding the lunch is not an option. Dear Lunched: What Etiquetteer does like to avoid, especially in a group larger than six people, is the bickering of the who-ordered-what variety, which can keep people at table longer than the lunch itself and get accountants whipping out their cell-phone calculators. Dividing the bill equally does solve that problem, but if you always eat sparingly at lunch, that plan won’t work for you in the long haul. When you find yourself in a group and the last person with the check announces that everyone needs to put in more money to cover the bill, and you’ve calculated that you’ve already put in your share and a little bit more perhaps, you need only say "I’ve already covered my portion of the bill; I just had a small salad." It would be ill-bred of anyone at the table to contradict. But if the difference is only one or two dollars, Etiquetteer encourages you to overlook it. Otherwise, it will help you to be the first person to get your hands on the bill, quickly total what you owe (always including tax and tip), insert your contribution into that little leather portfolio thing, and hand it to the next person saying "I’ve included what I owe for my lunch."

Dear Etiquetteer: Is it possible to thank someone TOO much? Dear Grateful: When someone either a) comes to expect your gratitude or b) believes you’re insincere, you’ve thanked someone too much.

Dear Etiquetteer: What precautions can one take to make sure e-mail--whether its tone or content--will not be misconstrued? Dear Misunderstood: Proofread! When composing an e-mail, Etiquetteer frequently finds it helpful to read the first draft as a recipient. Put yourself in their desktop, as it were. Etiquetteer tends to include more explicitly words like "Please" and "thank you," and to write in complete sentences rather than shorthand. Reviewing your e-mail is also helpful as you don’t want anyone to misconstrue you as a dolt or an idiot. This is the time to proofread from a spelling and grammar point of view as well as tone and content. The difference between "We will not be meeting at 2 PM" and "We will now be meeting at 2 PM" says it all.Including a specific subject line will help your recipients enormously. For instance Etiquetteer receives a lot of e-mail with the subject line "Etiquetteer," or "Question for you." It would be more helpful to write "Question About Invitations" "Tipping Dilemma" or "Gift-Giving Advice Needed" instead. Etiquetteer is sure that we all have rafts of e-mail messages headed "Hi," "Hello," or the very helpful "<no subject>". What more need be said?

Find yourself at a manners crossroads and don't know where to go? Ask Etiquetteer at query@etiquetteer.com!

Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify@etiquetteer.com.