Inappropriate Dance Floor Behavior, Vol. 23, Issue 55

“Certain nuances escape Beaufort.” — Edith Wharton, The Age of Innocence

Dear Etiquetteer:

Last night, I attended a masked ball gala with a live swing band. One of my dance partners started out fun, but quickly became presumptuous. He kissed my hand after our first dance. He asked to see my unmasked face, so I briefly pulled the mask up on my forehead. But then he repeatedly insisted that I should take it off and leave it off. I kept saying “No;” he kept begging and wheedling me. He seemed not to understand the subtext, that I was interested in dancing but not in further intimacy — after several minutes of arguing about my mask, he kissed his own fingers and laid them on my cheek!

Finally I said I did not wish to dance with him again, and also told him “When you won’t take No as an answer from a woman, even about something minor, it makes her feel like you’re not safe to be around.”

I believe what I said is true, and could even be helpful to him in future if he takes the lesson to heart — but I also know it was very blunt and perhaps verging on rudeness. What is the proper way to respond to a dance partner who commits such violations of propriety himself?

Dear “A Swing Dancer, Not a Swinger:”

You behaved with Perfect Propriety as well as a certain amount of forbearance. While the presence of masks traditionally encourages unbridled freedom — think of Carnival in Venice — “No means No” is more generally accepted as a Stern Warning than a Clandestine Invitation now, or should be. Etiquetteer cannot fault your behavior at all. In fact, you updated “Sir, you are no gentleman” for this century. It is so often the impulse of those who are being harrassed to get out of the situation gracefully. But with an aggressor who Just Does Not Get It, complete candor as you expressed it is sometimes necessary. Etiquetteer salutes you.

There is so much to unpack here, from notions of gallantry and flirtation to forgotten ballroom manners. To begin with, and Etiquetteer cannot remember who said it first, introducing strangers to dance does not constitute a social introduction. In other words, just because you’ve shared one dance at a ball doesn’t mean you can slide into each other’s DMs. Second, the whole point of a masked ball is to remain masked until the time of unmasking. That used to be midnight, and if 21st-century maskers just can’t stand one more minute and remove their masks ten minutes after arrival . . . well, Etiquetteer thinks that’s Letting Down the Side but must perforce accept it.

So you were within your rights to remain masked when your Importunate Partner asked to see your face. Antique fiction has given us a picture of ladies fending off the “begging and wheedling” of Importunate Gentlemen with smiles and laughter and sly glances, and perhaps a gentle rapping with her fan. But that dainty picture is based on two things: a lady’s true desire to encourage the gentleman, and a gentleman’s awareness that he really Must Not Go Too Far. In this century, those illusions have disappeared. That mask has been removed.

The hand kiss — outside certain diplomatic or religious rituals and the city of Vienna — has become entirely artificial and insincere, a gesture of mock manners, of “aping our betters.” It’s often risky to turn to the movies for examples of Perfect Propriety*, but if you’re going to do that it’s better to imitate Anton Walbrook in The Red Shoes than Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic. For your Importunate Partner to kiss your hand after a first dance is forward.

More seriously, the real mask that’s been removed is that women no longer need to tolerate unwelcome attention because it might reflect badly on them. The days when English novelist Arnold Bennett could say “Make love to every woman you meet. If you get five percent on your outlay it’s a good investment” are over. And so are the days when it could be assumed that all relationships were male-female and that the aggressor would be male.

Not long ago Etiquetteer was watching Jennie, Lady Randolph Churchill, who was given a stinging riposte by screenwriter Julian Mitchell. Being preyed on by a dancing partner at a masked ball, Jennie (played by Lee Remick), pulled away and said “I don’t know what class of woman you normally consort with, Lord Hardwick, but, I’m afraid your experience with them can be of no use to you at all with me.” Powerful words . . . but did they achieve the desired effect?

Etiquetteer wishes you many happy nights of dancing with talented and respectful partners.

*And yet that never seems to stop Etiquetteer . . . 🧐.

No White After Labor Day: The Rule We Love to Break, Vol. 23, Issue 54

“Any fool can make a rule//And any fool will mind it.” — Henry David Thoreau

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” — Ecclesiastes 3:1

Etiquetteer is weary. As someone somewhere once said, “Can’t we put aside this stale old quarrel?”

People love taking sides on issues that will not topple governments. The Oxford comma, for instance, and decorative schemes for White House interiors come to mind — not to mention the pitched battle between Bette Davis and Joan Crawford partisans.* In that vein, people love to defy the traditional rule that white is not worn after Labor Day, and to call attention to their defiance with malicious glee.

Etiquetteer loves tradition, as you know. Monday night saw the annual storing of the white bucks, which passed off without incident. And on Tuesday morning from every corner of social media came the annual posts of Beverly Sutphin assaulting Juror #8 in Serial Mom,** mostly from people who otherwise pay no attention to their shoes. You know it well, even if you haven’t seen the movie.

“Fashion has changed!” cries Juror #8. She’s not wrong; fashion changes by definition and with the desire for novelty. Beverly Sutphin has mistaken Fashion for both Tradition and Style. Etiquetteer can hardly blame her for lashing out.

But you know — Etiquetteer is just done with the violence. Yes, it used to be funny. Maybe it just hits differently this year. Traditionalists and Those Who Simply Don’t Care must form a truce. Other, more pressing issues claim our attention, especially in this election year. Now run along and enjoy your pumpkin spice latte — while it’s in season.

Etiquetteer is weary as far back as 2014.

*Etiquetteer will leave the Oxford comma debate to the grammarians, continue to advocate for the return of a Blue Room that is actually blue, and — as much as he loves both those actresses — will retreat to the corner with Olivia de Haviland while their insane acolytes flame each other.

**How can it be that this movie premiered 30 years ago?!

Altered Appearances, Vol. 23, Issue 53

“Let people tell you if they choose. Only vulgar people probe.” — Joan Tetzel in The Paradine Case

Dear Etiquetteer:

I recently had lunch with a dear friend whom I had not seen in over twenty years. I had trouble recognizing her because of her plastic surgery. I did my best to hide my wild surmise, but it was a bit difficult to remain composed since every time I looked in her direction diplomacy was brought to the brink by botox. Here, a response to “You haven’t changed a bit!” became a verbal tightrope. Otherwise, it was a joyful reunion, but have you any advice for those of us who are ambushed by a friend’s redefined features?

Dear Startled:

Etiquetteer is not quite sure where to begin, with your concern not to embarrass your friend, your masking of your surprise, or your disapproval of plastic surgery (or at least of its results in this particular case.) Vanity isn’t the only reason for plastic surgery; please think kindly about your friend’s motivations.

There are so many ways not to recognize someone you haven’t seen in many years, not just surgery: Time (it marches across all our faces), a new hairstyle, tattoos — shucks, seeing someone out of context! Yes, it can feel embarrassing. Why not lean into that? “Gosh, it’s been such a long time I hardly know what to say!” Let that buy you time to dredge up some happy memories you can share.

“You haven’t changed a bit!” is one of those standard phrases like “How do you do?” that helps oil the machine of Social Conversation. We hear it at both family and class reunions, not to mention weddings. There’s no need to respond in kind. Rather than refer to your friend’s appearance at all, just say “Thank you” or “It’s a joy to see you, too” and change the subject to absent friends, a shared past experience, or the lunch menu. Had your friend brought up the topic directly — “And what do you think of my new face?” — only compliments are appropriate.

In the end, Igor’s advice in Young Frankenstein remains the best: “Say nothing, act casual.”

Etiquetteer wishes you many happy reunions and the presence of mind to enjoy old acquaintances as you find them.

Charitable Solicitations, Vol. 23, Issue 52

Dear Etiquetteer:

I recently received a fund-raising solicitation from a non-profit, looking to raise funds for work that I am contracted to perform for them in the near future. How does one properly respond (or not)? To donate might suggest that I’ve over-charged them for the work. Should I wonder if they will raise the money in time to pay me? Should I just ignore it altogether?

Dear Solicited:

Non-profit solicitation letters for every cause — social, cultural, local, political, medical, worthy, you name it — flourish like weeds in the garden of our national correspondence. That doesn’t mean they aren’t necessary to the lifeblood of these organizations, or that they are poorly or mendaciously created. They are just so . . . so omnipresent. In the words of the late Stephen Sondheim, “Not a day goes by . . .” You are free to ignore this letter until someone solicits you directly, by phone or in person.

Your work has a value, which is reflected in the fees you charge. Don’t let anyone suggest otherwise. What you do with that fee after you receive it is your business, including contributing to your non-profit client.

Your situation is unique, in that the solicitation will directly fund your own labor for your client. Etiquetteer would question your client’s discernment for sending you this letter, but databases are unwieldy creatures and there are only so many criteria one can submit before pulling a mailing list.

Etiquetteer would encourage you not to worry greatly about your client’s ability to pay you. Non-profits are in a constant state of fund-raising, so the letter you received is not unusual. That said, you might do an internet search for any recent news stories about them for an idea of how they’re seen in the wider world.

Etiquetteer wishes you a successful continuing relationship with your client.

Wedding Tickets, Vol. 23, Issue 51

“The wedding was very much like other weddings, where the parties have no taste for finery or parade; and Mrs. Elton, from the particulars detailed by her husband, thought it all extremely shabby, and very inferior to her own.—“Very little white satin, very few lace veils; a most pitiful business! . . . —But, in spite of these deficiencies, the wishes, the hopes, the confidence, the predictions of the small band of true friends who witnessed the ceremony, were fully answered in the perfect happiness of the union.” — Jane Austen, Emma

Etiquetteer has done a pretty good job this month attempting to be Blissfully Unaware of the world at large*, but was brought down with a thump this morning when a dear friend and reader lobbed this New York Times article over the transom: “Some Couples Are Charging Guests to Attend Their Weddings.” Needless to say, Etiquetteer is Appalled with Two Ps.

The Wedding Industrial Complex has brainwashed people into the inviolability of the Elaborate Wedding. People . . . this is not necessary! The marriage of two people has become snowed under with novelty transportation and other excesses. The article states that “. . . the approach of selling tickets to a wedding has mostly upset guests, many of whom have expressed the opinion that it is in poor taste for the couple to put their financial burden onto their guests and that there are more cost-effective ways for couples to have a wedding.” There sure are!

And at the top of that list is the home wedding, when both ceremony** and reception take place in someone’s house. Everyone who must be there is squashed in somehow, a stand-up buffet with cake is served, and the guest list is reduced by not asking anyone who would need to fly in to be present. When President Woodrow Wilson married Edith Bolling Galt in 1915, everything took place at her Washington home, with 50 guests stuffed into drawing and dining room and all the furniture removed.*** When researching Elements of the Victorian Wedding this winter, Etiquetteer discovered the correspondence of a bride and groom**** who planned their entire wedding in barely a month (!) in December (!) for New Year’s Eve (!). They couldn’t decide whose house to hold it in until the week before, and their roughly two dozen wedding invitations were all handwritten letters sent just after Christmas (!). The bride firmly vetoed the groom’s extravagant suggestion to serve one glass of champagne each, and only one, to the guests because it was too costly. It was an afternoon wedding, after which the Happy Couple left immediately for New York by train. (We must remember that New Year’s Eve wasn’t as important as New Year’s Day at this time.)

And guess what? They had a long and happy married life together! And all without a banquet with three different entrées, a DJ, a chorus of attendants, and, as mentioned in that Times article, “a double-decker bus that took guests to New York landmarks that were significant in their love story.” When an Occasion becomes a Burden, it takes away from both the importance and the beauty of the Occasion. Etiquetteer encourages you to let simplicity be your guide.

*As Miss Scarlet so memorably said in Clue, “It’s my defense mechanism!”

**Before you observe that not all religious traditions permit home weddings, please see Etiquetteer’s first footnote on that very subject here.

***Etiquetteer’s account of the wedding is here.

****Robert S. Valentine and Sophia French, correspondence in the collection of the Massachusetts Historical Society.

Tired/Wired Phrases, Vol. 23, Issue 50

It’s no sin to rely on tried-and-true phrases to oil the machinery of social conversation. For instance, “How do you do?” remains a Perfectly Proper greeting that has stood the test of time. (The only two possible answers are “How do you do?” and “Very well, thank you. And you?”) But when these phrases become openly mocked and the subject of memes, well . . . “Houston, we have a problem.” Let’s reset some of our communication go-to phrases that have become punchlines.

Tired: “Thoughts and prayers.” What is supposed to be an abbreviated expression of sympathy has become widely derided as Absolutely Insincere.

Wired: Choose either thoughts or prayers for “My [thoughts/prayers] are with you.” Or bypass altogether with “Holding you in my heart.”

Tired: “I hope this email finds you well.” See the meme above for how the email finds you.

Wired: No substitution needed. Just proceed with the business at hand.

Tired: “Per my last email . . . ” Seen as actively hostile and impatient.

Wired: “When I wrote you on [date], I mentioned . . . ”

Tired: “Pleased to meet you!” Unlike “How do you do,” this has not stood the test of time.

Wired: “I’m so happy to know you.” Think of Lee Patrick greeting Bette Davis in Now, Voyager this way. Calm, cool, sincere, exactly on point.

Tired: “Have a great rest of your day!” Etiquetteer has always found this construction clunky.

Wired: Be specific. “Have a good afternoon/evening!” sounds much nicer.

Tired: “Oh this old thing? I only wear it when I don’t care how I look!” Immortalized by Gloria Grahame in It’s a Wonderful Life, and an admitted favorite of That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, it is actually not polite to respond to a compliment by disparaging it.

Wired: “Thank you!” Brief, concise, specific — what could be more Perfectly Proper?

Tired: “I’m gonna go [Insert Specific Bodily Function Here].” No one wants or needs to know what you’re going to do when you get the restroom! Honestly people!

Wired: “Oh, I’m just going to go powder my nose!” Immortalized by Aline MacMahon in Gold Diggers of 1933, this line is best delivered by heterosexual male businessmen secure in their masculinity. More simply, “I’m going to wash my hands” removes any coy simpering from one’s departure.

You will likely have your own suggestions, and Etiquetteer looks forward to hearing them!

An Etiquette Education, Vol. 23, Issue 49

Today Etiquetteer brings you backstage to let That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much share some news and reflections.

I have been secretly getting an education this year, and the results are now in.

My etiquette education has been autodidactic at best. I was “taught courtesy at my mother’s knee” and in the School of Hard Knocks before accidentally discovering Dear Mother’s Emily Post. This of course led to that more unorthodox guide to Perfect Propriety, Auntie Mame by Patrick Dennis. Etiquetteer’s principal references come from before my lifetime — Mrs. Post, Lillian Eichler, Millicent Fenwick*, madcap Dorothy Draper, Esquire Etiquette of 1953 — with the notable exceptions of Amy Vanderbilt, Letitia Baldrige, and my beloved Judith Martin. My driving force is perhaps closer to the Mother Superior’s in Charles Busch’s The Divine Sister: “My dear, we are living in a time of great social change. We must do everything in our power to stop it.”

But “Change is the only constant,”** n’est ce pas? How would my 20th-century knowledge, acquired solely through books and life experience, stack up against a curriculum created in, by and for the 21st? In January I began The English Manner and Beaumont Etiquette’s Train the Trainer program, run by experts of this century: Myka Meier of Beaumont Etiquette in New York, and William Hanson and Jo Bryant of The English Manner in London. They delivered a comprehensive and rigorous program with wisdom and the right amount of humor — which is just what I like. The result: I am pleased to say that I have graduated Grade One with merit.

What did I learn that was different from what I knew? Unsurprisingly, a lot of it concerns table settings and afternoon tea, as for instance:

• Napkins are placed to the left of the forks, not underneath them. As someone who grew up in a household that used paper napkins, it’s common to place the fork on a paper napkin to keep it from blowing off the table, but it is not correct. Unlike other etiquette writers, Etiquetteer is not going to judge you for using paper napkins for everyday dining (read about that here), but paper napkins remain incorrect for formal dining.

• Oyster forks are no longer placed in the bowl of the soup spoon, regardless of all those diagrams in Millicent Fenwick’s Vogue’s Book of Etiquette (1948). As one who loves a Charming Anachronism, this makes me sad. On the other hand, Mrs. Fenwick also included ashtrays in her table settings, which we definitely don’t do now. Change is the only constant.

• Fish knives, which a dear friend once described as “the most elegant of blades,” are in fact an invention of the middle class, and not really considered Perfectly Proper (unless you already own them). Perhaps it’s just as well, since they were never standard in domestic American silver services.

• Perhaps the most distressing thing was that I had been setting the dessert silver wrong all this time. When setting a dessert fork and spoon above the plate, the fork goes below the spoon, not above, with the tines facing right. But what also surprised me is that this style is referred to as “nursery” in England, where more formal place settings would have the dessert silver set with all the other silver on either side of the plate — which is just the way Dear Mother did it at home . . . and she was not English.

• The reason lemon forks exist (all right, first — surprise, there is such a thing as a lemon fork) is to remove the pips from lemon slices because they affect the way your tea tastes. To which I can only exclaim “Science!” and continue to take my tea black.

• As someone who loves orange marmalade, it broke my heart a little to learn that it is Not Perfectly Proper for afternoon tea, as it’s considered less dainty that strawberry or raspberry jam. (And no, I am not going to listen to all you “Eat what you want when you want it!” people again. Etiquetteer covered all that with risotto in this column on Company Food.)

• Having been raised on American table manners — switching the fork from the left to the right hand for each bite — during this course I was surprised to find myself using British table manners more at home and keeping my fork in my left hand. Peas remain an issue (I do not serve them with mashed potatoes, which makes them easier), but that’s why Practice Makes Perfect.

What impressed me most, however, is that while so much of good manners remains constant, how we communicate it changes to reflect the times we live in. And also, as the oldest member of the class by far, that interest in etiquette remains deep for people of all ages and nationalities. Everyone else brought questions and experiences that I certainly had not had myself.

I’m enormously grateful to have reaffirmed and expanded my knowledge base, and to have heard fresher and newer voices of this century pursuing Perfect Propriety as much as I am. Now . . . what’s next?

*Not to be confused with Millicent Natwick, even though they were never seen together.

**Who was it who said this? Heraclitus?

Creative Black Tie, Vol. 23, Issue 48

“Why begrudge me a little fun? I just want you to look nice.” — Norma Desmond

A gentleman’s evening clothes have a strict color palette of black and white only — which is just too strict for some gentlemen who feel this doesn’t allow them to express their individuality. (Etiquetteer wonders if they have ever looked in the mirror; there’s nothing more individual than your face, after all, unless you happen to be Hayley Mills in The Parent Trap.) Somewhere along the line the dress code Creative Black Tie sprang up so gentlemen could have a little fun Unleashing their Inner Peacock. But there are ways and ways. Let Etiquetteer guide you to make a Perfectly Proper impression for the right reasons.

“Creative” or not, a black-tie event is still formal. Your creativity must be expressed at that level and not lower. So strict attention to grooming is just as important. Whatever you’re wearing should be spotlessly clean, flawlessly pressed or polished, without rips, holes, tears, or visible mending. “Creative” is not a synonym for “sloppy.” Etiquetteer also believes that no element of the ensemble should be omitted in favor of creativity. Shirt, jacket, trousers, socks and shoes, links and studs (and other jewelry), and especially the bow tie should all be present. This is the canvas on which the artist creates. One of Etiquetteer’s dear friends, a style criterion, protests loudly against men whose “creative” efforts begin and end with wearing a tuxedo without a shirt, bare-chested. If your goal is to be mistaken for a bartender at Chippendale’s, that’s really for a costume party (see below).

Color is the easiest, simplest and best way to spice up black tie, especially appropriate for themed events like charity balls. For instance, for a gala with an ancient Egyptian theme, adding gold and lapis lazuli or a Cleopatra-style snake fits perfectly. Etiquetteer attended an event with a “Firebird” theme and accessorized with flame-red socks and pocket square. (Later, in a fit of exuberance, the pocket square disappeared behind a flock of red “Firebird” feathers that had been folded into all the dinner napkins.) Green, or anything with a leaf pattern, is an obvious choice for an event to do with the environment. You get the idea. Of course this is popular for wedding parties, as the groomsmen will often wear waistcoats or ties to coordinate with the bridesmaids and the flowers. Just don’t upstage the bride, one of the greatest sins against Perfect Propriety.

But remember, it’s not a costume party unless the invitation reads “Black tie — costume.” So if the theme is tropical, save that grass skirt for another party. Instead of a Hawaiian shirt, why not choose a bow tie or waistcoat or cummerbund in a tropical pattern, or clip fake hibiscus flowers to your shoes? Black patent leather opera pumps are a wonderful palette for creative expression, as you can clip almost anything into those grosgrain bows. Just be sure they’re securely fastened so you don’t lose something on the dance floor.

Calling on Ignatius J. Reilly for advice in these matters seems counterintuitive, but Etiquetteer thinks he actually defined Creative Black Tie well in John Kennedy Toole’s brilliant comic novel A Confederacy of Dunces: “A scarf here. A cutlass there. A few deft and tasteful suggestions. That’s all. The total effect is rather fetching.” Perfectly Proper Creative Black Tie is nothing more than “a few deft and tasteful suggestions.” But just a few. Don’t let your creativity overwhelm who you are at the center.

Etiquetteer wishes you a beautiful and creative evening, in which your total effect is rather fetching . . . whatever it is you want fetched.

Two Matters of Advance Planning, Vol. 23, Issue 47

Dear Etiquetteer:

I am invited to attend a wedding reception (not the wedding itself) for someone I know. The bride and groom are older (70+), it’s his at least third or fourth wedding, I was invited to the reception, not the wedding itself, but it’s a black tie affair at [Insert Name of Very Fancy Hotel Here]. Is it appropriate to bring a gift? If so, what sort of gift?

Dear Reception Guest:

Unless “No gifts please” was specifically included on the invitation, a gift is Perfectly Proper. Is it required? Some will say one thing, some will say another, and Etiquetteer will encourage you to think generously about the happiness of the occasion. In this century, and especially for people marrying in the Golden Years, a wedding gift could be anything based on what you know about their interests — perhaps an interest you share with them.

If you do choose to give the Happy Couple a gift, don’t bring it to the reception; it will be one more thing either the Happy Couple or the wedding party will have to think about packing at the end of the night. (This is why function planners have that one empty six-foot table draped in tulle near the entrance, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be utilized.) Send your gift in advance of the wedding for greater convenience.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I must host a four-person business dinner in the suburbs soon for new members of a volunteer board. Based on a new board member’s recommendation, I reserved a table at [Insert Name of Gourmet Restaurant Here]. I sent the update with the reservation to all the guests. After getting my update, the board member wrote me separately to say that the place might be bustling and noisy even on a weeknight, providing some additional information about the dining room. Since I’ve already let everyone know about the first place, what’s the best thing to do? Stay with the original recommendation, or change course?

Dear Reserving:

The most important goal of your evening is a clear and productive conversation. And since the volunteer who recommended this restaurant is rather reneging on the recommendation, it makes sense to think about changing. When you decide to change, all you need to say is that concern was expressed about acoustics and, good as the first restaurant is, the other restaurant should also provide a conversational atmosphere as well as reliably good cuisine.

It then becomes doubly important that you assure good acoustics at the new restaurant by sharing your concerns with the maitre d’. Make sure your table is in the quietest and least trafficked part of the dining room, neither by the kitchen door nor under a speaker or an air vent.

Your dilemma reminds Etiquetteer of the old saying “Trust in God, but lock your car.” It’s always difficult to act on someone’s enthusiastic suggestion only to have things turn out less well than expected. Rather than take someone else’s word, your own research into what’s recommended will reassure you that you’ll get the results you want. If you can’t actually go to the restaurant for a reconnaissance dinner of your own, at least check online reviews to see what other diners have reported. Etiquetteer feels sure that future recommendations from this particular board member will be taken more hesitantly.

Pointers for Picnics, Vol. 23, Issue 46

There’s a wonderful George Sprod cartoon from Punch of a Victorian couple on the grass with an elaborate picnic spread between them: layer cakes, molded jellies, fish in aspic, tiers of fruit, whole pineapples, even a turkey. The lady is looking up from the hamper to say “I forgot the salt.” Since July is National Picnic Month, what could be more Perfectly Proper than to offer some pointers for picnics? We don’t need to be nearly so elaborate!

• Know where you’re going and how to get there. Do not wait until you get in the car to search for directions.

• The weather forecast is your friend. Be flexible if necessary. With stories of excessive temperatures and the sad death of hikers*, if the day of your picnic includes extreme heat, don’t be afraid to reschedule.

• Be responsible for your own dietary requirements. In this century, '“I forgot the salt” could easily be “Oh, but I’m vegan.” Once you hike in and set up, substitutions are likely all but impossible. When invited, let your host know, and be prepared to bring something that suits your needs (and can be shared). If you’re the host, honor what your guests tell you.

• Prepare a moveable feast that’s durable, too. It can’t be said enough: food poisoning is Not Perfectly Proper. Choose foods that will wear well if the ice chest fails.

• A meal deserves utensils. Just because it’s a picnic with (perhaps) only sandwiches is no reason to skip plates, glasses, cutlery and especially napkins. Etiquetteer loves those picnic hampers that come with all those things; invest today. Don’t put your guests in the unhappy position of having to lick their fingers or use the ground cloth!

• Pack wisely. The fantasy of a “Riparian Entertainment” picnic has its appeal, but that’s a joke that will pall quickly as you all stagger about with Too Much Stuff. Bring only what you need — but check that list twice!

• But pack fabulously. That doesn’t mean your picnic has to be dull. Choose some colorful cloths to go on the ground or picnic table. (Or choose all white, and ask everyone to wear all white, in homage to Ingmar Bergman.) And also a small and amusing book so that someone can read aloud after lunch. What could be more Perfectly Proper and Picturesque?

• Leave only footprints. There should be no evidence of your picnic when you leave, except possibly a small mound of melting ice if you emptied the cooler. Littering is so midcentury; don’t do it.

Etiquetteer wishes you a shady spot free of ants and the most delicious melon salad at your summer picnic.

*Hikers are not picnickers, Etiquetteer knows, but still — be cautious.

Random Issues, Vol. 23, Issue 45

Dear Etiquetteer:

My sister and I are hosting an “open house” for our parents’ 50th wedding anniversary in a few weeks. We have rented a hall for the occasion as our parents do not want to have it in their home, and my sister and I live almost 6000 km away. We plan to offer finger foods and non-alcoholic beverages to our guests. The invitation clearly states “Open House 2-5 PM, Dance at 9 PM.” It seems from the responses that many people don’t understand that an open house means you “drop by,” visit, offer congratulations to the guests of honour, and leave. Many have indicated that they will come “from 2-5.” We have invited more people than the hall allows, per fire code. If it gets overcrowded, is there a polite way to ask people to mosey on along? Any assistance you can offer would be appreciated.

Dear Honouring:

Etiquetteer couldn’t be more pleased that you and your sister are doing this for your parents and those special to them, and that you’ve decided to do so outside the home — especially for what sounds like a lot of people. As much as Etiquetteer loves a good party at home, sometimes it’s a real treat to leave the arrangements (and the clean up!) to someone else and just go out.

It’s really not Perfectly Proper to tell guests to leave if the party’s not yet over. How ironic that the more crowded and uncomfortable a party is, the more successful it is perceived to be! Etiquetteer sees two factors in your favor. First, many people who say they’re coming don’t actually come. It’s likely that less than the number of guests who said they were coming will actually appear. Second, if the room ends up feeling uncomfortably full, some guests will choose to leave earlier than planned. And in the unlikely event that later arrivals can’t squeeze in — well, they’ll know they missed a good time!

You can manage expectations a little with a confirmation email to everyone who has accepted. This can include driving directions, parking information, “No gifts please,” and something like “Since this is an open house with just light refreshments and no program, we’re expecting everyone to pop in and out as it’s convenient for them, whether short or long. We are all eager to see you!” It is most important that you convey a complete sense of welcome in this message, not a welcome with conditions.

For a 50th anniversary, Etiquetteer imagines that many of the guests will be in their seventies. In that case, having sufficient seating will be important. (On the other hand, an absence of chairs will also encourage people to leave sooner.) Whether you are planning a small receiving line or not (Etiquetteer dearly loves a receiving line), you and/or your sister should be stationed at or near the entrance throughout the party as hosts to welcome guests . . . and bid them farewell.

Etiquetteer wishes you a successful and very happy gathering!

Dear Etiquetteer:

Is it proper, when staying at a B&B, to appear for breakfast wearing one’s bedclothes?

At several B&Bs, I have sometimes noticed a number of guests (particularly children) dressed in pajamas or nightgowns, usually barefoot, arriving at a buffet breakfast. It does not feel right to me, and I would never venture out of my room to dine among fellow guests without being clothed properly. 

Hoping for your guidance on this matter. Many thanks.

Dear B&Behaving:

Since so many bed and breakfasts are actually in homes, it’s easy to be lulled into behaving as one does in one’s actual home. And that’s a mistake. “There’s no place like home” for a reason. As at a hotel, one shouldn’t leave one’s room without being fully dressed in clothes one has not slept in, all the way down to one’s shoes. This could, of course, be a T-shirt and lounge pants and some elegant slippers, but they should not look slept in. (And really, your face should not look slept in, either. Have a quick wash and run a comb through your hair, for Heaven’s sake.)

It’s up to the management to enforce a dress code, not other guests. The next time you see this, keep mum and remember poor, poor Charlotte Bartlett and the Miss Allens in E.M. Forster’s A Room With a View. After she was accosted by Mr. Emerson at the table, Miss Bartlett “looked around as much as to say, ‘Are you all like this?’ And two little old ladies, who were sitting further up the table, with shawls hanging over the backs of the chairs, looked back, clearly indicating ‘We are not; we are genteel.’”

Etiquetteer wishes you many more beautiful and restful nights at bed and breakfasts with guests as genteel as yourself.

Tennis Etiquette, Vol. 23, Issue 44

In honor of Wimbledon 2024, here are a few words on tennis etiquette excerpted from Etiquetteer’s recent presentation Tennis Etiquette Through the Edwardian Era, given last month to the Nahant Tennis Club for the 150th anniversary of the first tennis game played in America.

Merriam-Webster’s officially defines sportsmanship as “Conduct (such as fairness, respect for one’s opponent, and graciousness in winning or losing) becoming to one participating in a sport.” So this would include giving one’s opponents the benefit of the doubt, for instance, and very much keeping one’s composure whatever the result of a match. No sulking and pouting and temperament when losing, but no loud crowing and excessive exultation when winning either. The Gentlemen’s Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness of 1860 puts it thus: “While indulging in the recreational sports which are to restore and invigorate us, we must be mindful of the many points of etiquette and kindness which will do much, if properly attended to, to promote the enjoyment of our exercise, and we propose to review the principal exercises used among us, and to point out in what places the delicate and gentlemanly attention to our companions will do the most to establish, for the person who practises them, the reputation of a polished gentleman.”

Those “many points of kindness and etiquette” would include:

• Hold your tongue. “A gentleman will never deride anyone for his bad play, nor give vent to oaths, or strong epithets, if disappointed in the playing of one of his side,” said The Gentlemen’s Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness, and that is Absolutely Perfectly Proper.

• Pay attention. This advice was rather condescendingly directed to the ladies by Lieut. S.C.F. Pelle in his Lawn Tennis, but it really applies to all players. “Above all, let her pay attention, and not let her mind or eyes wander over to the other courts, or to inspect some new arrival. There is nothing more galling than to find one’s partner inattentive.”

• Just play the game. “Never apologize by saying you ‘thought the ball was not going to come over the net,’ Lieut. Pelle continued; '“it is your duty not to think, but to place yourself in such a position that, if the ball does come over, you can take it.”

• Shake hands simply and directly at the end of the match. In every tennis match there is a winner and a loser. And whatever one’s position, it’s important to approach the net that final time without an excess of emotion. It’s one thing to celebrate a victory, but another to rub your opponent’s face in it. And after a great effort, it can feel crushing not to win. But this is your opportunity to salute your opponent’s abilities with a kind word and an unflinching gaze. Nothing indicates good sportsmanship better in that moment of “the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat” as being able to look your opponent directly in the eye and simply and firmly shake hands. Exhausted and disappointed as one might be, this is no time for a limp hand and a wandering gaze!

One final word, from Lieut. Pelle: “Above all things, do not get excited, but play coolly and collectedly.”

How the spectators behave during a match can have an impact on the players, and therefore the outcome. Big Bill Tilden, one of the greatest tennis players ever, felt they had a responsibility to understand tennis from its deepest core. “Tennis,” he wrote in The Common Sense of Tennis, “is not a game for the player only. It is a game so essentially dramatic, pictorial and intriguing that the public has taken it to its heart and claimed it for its own. There is a real art in watching tennis. The gallery plays just as great a part in a match as do the players and officials. Intelligence in watching tennis is an assistance to the player and an increased source of enjoyment to the onlooker.”

Dorothea Lambert Chambers (left) vs. May Sutton, Wimbledon, 1906.

Besides being intelligent, a good tennis spectator is silent, concentrated, and does not block the view. The necessity of all these qualities is summed up by Dorothea Lambert Chambers, the great English tennis champion, recalling her Wimbledon match against the American May Sutton in 1906: “Concentration on the game in this match was terribly difficult, as the crowd was so huge and seemed so excited . . . I can quite well remember a dispute going on in the open stand for quite a long time during the first set. I think a lady would not put down her sunshade; there was quite a commotion about it. And then people near would shout advice to me, or scream out ‘It’s over! Run!’ This happened two or three times; and although I knew they were trying to help me . . . it was very distracting and disconcerting.”

So, concentration of the players supersedes everything else both on and around the court. Indeed, tennis (and golf) are unique among spectator sports in that silence is very much required. Try that at a football game!

Etiquetteer wishes you undisturbed and concentrated happiness on, off and around the tennis court.

How to Write the United States Supreme Court, Vol. 23, Issue 43

An unusual amount of interest has been generated in the recent decisions handed down by the United States Supreme Court. Many citizens have been, or should be, prompted to express their opinions to the Chief Justice and Associate Justices. The Court doesn’t exactly make it easy, as they don’t make their email addresses public. So it’s time to send a good old-fashioned letter, and Etiquetteer is here to tell you how to do so with Perfect Propriety.

First, you’ll find the mailing address on the Court’s “Contact Us” web page. (They at least have that.) Correspondence to the Chief Justice should be addressed thus:

The Chief Justice

Supreme Court of the United States

[Insert Address Here]

Please note that the Chief Justice is not addressed in correspondence by his given name because there is only one Chief Justice at a time. (The same is true for the President and Vice President of the United States). The correct salutation is “Dear Mr. Chief Justice.”

Correspondence to individual Associate Justices should be addressed thus:

Associate Justice [Insert Last Name Only Here]

Supreme Court of the United States

[Insert Address Here]

The correct salutation may be either “Dear Justice” or “Dear Justice [Last Name].”

Now, let’s say you want all nine Justices to know what you have to say. For the sake of simplicity, Etiquetteer thinks it better to address your letter to the Justice who wrote the majority opinion of the case in question, and cc: the other Justices. Cc:s always go underneath your signature. So, for instance:

Associate Justice Portia Vergogna

Supreme Court of the United States

1 First Street, NE

Washington, DC 20543

[Date]

Dear Justice Vergogna:

Your opinion in the case of [Insert Case Here] prompts me to write to you because . . . [Insert Your Opinions Here].

Yours sincerely,

[Signature]

[Insert Your Name Here]

cc: The Chief Justice

Justice [Name 1]

Justice [Name 2]

Justice [Name 3]

Justice [Name 4]

Justice [Name 5]

Justice [Name 6]

Justice [Name 7]

Etiquetteer has a few suggestions about writing an effective letter:

• Threats of death and physical violence are not just Not Perfectly Proper, they are Bad and Very Very Wrong. Do not include.

• Decide what your purpose is in writing your letter: to express your anger, to to make a compelling case for your argument. If the former, well . . . Etiquetteer doesn’t want to invalidate your feelings, but the latter approach is much more likely to get serious attention.

• President Lincoln’s advice to write the angry letter and then not send it is still a wonderful exercise.

• Be sure that the facts you include in your letter are actually true, preferably through more than one news source.

• Check for typographical errors before sending. More than one correspondent has been defeated by an embarrassing misspelling.

Etiquetteer wishes you brisk, businesslike and effective correspondence in all your business.

Nametags, Vol. 23, Issue 42

“Don’t you know anything about the hospitality industry?” mock-chastised an old colleague Etiquetteer saw at an event last week. “Nametags are worn on the right because when you shake hands the eye travels up the arm!” Etiquetteer had barely had a chance to get out “It’s nice to see you, too!” But perhaps by then it wasn’t . . . and perhaps it would not be Perfectly Proper to note that Former Colleague’s nametag hung from a lanyard at navel level, so that the eye traveled to . . . to the Human Resources Office if you specify where.

What brought this on? Etiquetteer’s lifelong habit of clipping a nametag on the left, something that Americans have only started to question in this century*. Perhaps the left side was once favored because that’s the side on which military medals are worn, or a gentleman’s lapel pin. Please note that now, on the left side of the Atlantic, the right side is more fashionable** for nametags. But if you see someone wearing it differently, don’t correct them. People have reasons. One Facebook reader chooses the left side for nametags because she is left-handed. Another wears hers in the center because her hairstyle would obscure it anywhere else, and a nametag is worn first to be seen.

If you’re hosting a function and providing nametags, provide the best kind: sleeves with clips and not pins, and absolutely not adhesive labels. Pins leave permanent holes in some fabrics, and adhesive labels either leave glue residue on your clothes or curl up and fall off. Lanyards are popular now because they are so easy to put on and remove. But as noted, they draw the eye away from the face. If you are going to wear one, try to find a way to arrange it so that the badge is closer to your face.

What should be printed on a nametag, besides first and last names? As little as possible, really. In academia Etiquetteer heard requests for class years, degrees, hometowns, company names or departments, titles, and even yearbook photos — everything possible, in short, to keep people from actually having a conversation! Personal pronouns, or space for attendees to add them, are often included now. Otherwise, first and last names, and the host’s company/event logo are more than sufficient.

It’s tempting to go without a nametag if you don’t like them***. One reader said he wears his inside a coat pocket. But if everyone else is wearing them you’re less likely to look like a Person of Mystery and more Standoffish and Stuck Up — not a good look.

Etiquetteer wishes you many Legible and Correctly Spelled Clip-Backed Nametags, which you may leave behind on the registration table at the end of the event to encourage recycling.

*Across the pond in Great Britain, nametags are still worn on the left.

**Speaking of fashion, Etiquetteer could not help remembering a story from Madame Campan’s memoirs (because of course). During a court presentation at Versailles, the Comtesse de Noailles caught her eye and tried frantically to communicate with gestures that something was wrong with Madame Campan. “The Queen [Marie Antoinette], who perceived all this, looked at me with a smile; [she] said to me in a whisper, ‘Let down your lappets, or the Countess will expire.’ All this bustle arose from two unlucky pins which fastened up my lappets, whilst the etiquette of costume said ‘Lappets hanging down.’” So even a pin, like a nametag, can create controversy. — from Memoirs of Marie Antoinette, by Henriette Campan.

***Etiquetteer does not, but it’s practically heresy to admit this.

Difficult Conversations, Vol. 23, Issue 41

Dear Etiquetteer:

I am in a situation that I do not know whether etiquette will help, but here goes:

I work in a small town, and my post office is adjacent to a small café. Our building is in many ways the social hub of the community. One of the café regulars is a man we see dying before our eyes. He is an active alcoholic, uses a walker after a fall in his home, and lives very close by.

His son told me, two years ago after his dad was hospitalized, that the doctor told him no more alcohol, or it would kill him. We have watched his body dwindle away, though his mind and conversational skills are as sharp as ever.

The director of the organization is worried we could lose our liquor license if we serve him beer and he gets into an accident. I worry we are contributing to his death, albeit obviously it is his choice to drink.

We recently overheard him tell another patron that he has no feeling in his legs, and is losing feeling in his hands. I know his hands have given him trouble for months, because he has been unable to open his P.O. box for months, and has me hand him his mail.

I spoke to his future daughter-in-law; she and his son live in the house with him. She says she would never sue us if anything happened to him because we serve him beer. But of course he could hurt others.

How does one tell this man we do not want to serve him beer any more? And if we stick to that, are we responsible if he drives further, risking more people’s lives, to get his alcohol? What are humble, conflicted humans to do?

Dear Humble:

Humility is not a bad place from which to begin a difficult conversation like this. It shows that you remain a part of what Hawthorne called “the chain of human sympathies,” and that you genuinely care not only for this troubled patron, but for all your small community.

Questions of legal responsibility need to be handled by people who know the laws of your state. You may learn more about “dram shop laws,” which involve legal risks for bartenders, here and here.

If/when you decide you’re no longer able to serve this patron, that conversation is likely to come as a shock to him. You should not have to have that conversation with him by yourself. Be sure that your organization’s director is with you; it may be that it’s that person’s role, as director, to deliver the news rather than you. Talk with him in a private place where others won’t overhear; a corner of the bar might be too exposed. Explain kindly that his demeanor and conversations within the café have alarmed you enough about his well-being and that of the community that you’re no longer able to serve him. Acknowledge that it’s difficult for him to hear that news, and difficult to share it, but that you do so out of concern for him as well as everyone else.

You’ve said you’ve already discussed his situation with family members, and you should probably alert them in advance about your plans. Should they be present? Etiquetteer feels conflicted. This is not an intervention, strictly speaking. Etiquetteer understands how concerned you are personally for this man, but the principal reasons for your taking action are concern for the safety of your community and the liability of you and your colleagues. Possibly he will react angrily. Do your best not to take anything he says personally.

Communicating tough news never feels easy, and Etiquetteer wishes you strength and calm as you approach this patron with sympathy.

Other People's Behavior II, Vol. 23, Issue 40

Readers responded richly to Etiquetteer’s call for what bothered them about Other People’s Behavior, including these choice morsels.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Personal Volume grates on us, particularly with cell phones. “Cellphones on speaker, anywhere,” said one reader. This is especially apparent on public transportation, but also in checkout lines. “Why do people on cell phones think that we all want to hear their conversations?” asks another reader. “ I heard a man on the phone the other day as clearly as could be, and he was on the other side of a busy four-lane road.” Etiquetteer doesn’t really think people want us to hear their conversations; they simply do not care about the impact they have on others. That’s still not acceptable.

As a general rule, if you find yourself having to say “What?” or “I can’t hear you,” it’s time to end your call and try again when you’re someplace quieter — preferably at home. Multitasking is overrated, and that includes trying to have a phone chat near too many other people.

Speaking of checkout lines, another reader singled out “the person in the grocery checkout who seems surprised that they need to pay” and then takes a very long time to retrieve their cash or cards to do so. Another reason not to spend your time in line on the phone! Next in line behind them is the coupon shopper who chooses things that don’t apply to the relevant coupons. Long story short, pay attention, people! Be alert!

On the travel front, those people “who won't let you exit when they are trying to enter at the same time” create problems. Remember dahlings, there will be more room for you inside when the people in there get out, whether it’s a train car or a hotel lobby. People exiting have the right of way.

Another irritant is “what the airline gate desk staff call ‘gate lice,’ the zone six people hanging near the boarding spot before zone one is called.” Etiquetteer believes this is prompted most by Fear of No Overhead Bin Space and blames the airlines in part for their usurious checked baggage fees. A better strategy is a) to wait until the zone just before yours is called and b) to travel with fewer things so your carry-on bag is smaller.

Finally, one reader shared a solution for Conversationalists Who Block Doorways: “My late maternal grandmother had a solution for church-goers who lingered in the church doorway to chat, after Sunday worship, thus impeding the egress of countless other congregants. She would remove her hat pin and stab the nearest offender in the rump. Not Recommended Behavior (not a particularly Christian response, either). Still, the older I get, the more I sympathize with her irritation at this thoughtless behavior. Stop and chat, yes — after you have cleared the doorway far enough to let others get out . . . It’s irritating behavior in any place of business.” Etiquetteer has proven many times that a Brisk Businesslike “Excuse me please” can work wonders, and does less damage than a hat pin.

Etiquetteer is always ready to hear about what’s bothering you. Please drop a line when so inclined.

Other People's Behavior, Vol. 23, Issue 39

Is complaint a perpetual human state? People do seem to love complaining about the behavior of other people — so much so that Etiquetteer sometimes wonders if they’ve noticed their own. Other people are guilty of so many things Etiquetteer marvels that there could be any Perfect Propriety left in the world. They include, but are far from limited to:

• Table manners: Greedy eaters who bolt their food in record time*, talking with their mouths full, and/or using cloth napkins for handkerchiefs come in for their share. It’s one thing to enjoy one’s food, but, to quote the late Veda Pierce, “let’s not be sticky about it.” Passing the salt without the pepper is a comparatively minor sin.

• Grooming: Who has not seen or heard complaints about people clipping their fingernails, or even toenails, in public? Bad breath has its place (remember, a mint is a hint), as do belching and flatulence. Etiquetteer remembers Grandma Fontaine “belching frankly with the privilege of her age” in Gone With the Wind, but that’s really not a privilege that should be exercised.

• Gift-Giving: Trolling for gifts or cash is not seen as Perfectly Proper, nor are especially prescriptive gift lists. (When people ask what to give you, by all means make a few suggestions. But it’s polite to wait to be asked.) On the other side of the coin, it’s a sin to regift within one’s circle in a way that the Original Gifter can find out. And of course people always complain when someone fails to express thanks for a gift.

• Conversation: Frequent interrupters who just cannot wait to complete someone else’s sentences — yes, people complain about them.**

• Social Life: It’s a problem when people can’t show up on time. Yes, Life Happens — anyone who lives in a big city will generally have Bad Traffic as an excuse — but when it becomes a habit, people complain.

What chafes you about Other People’s Behavior? Won’t you please drop Etiquetteer a line about it?

*Queen Victoria’s reputation for rectitude has obscured her appalling table manners.

**That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much is especially guilty of this Bad Habit. It’s a daily struggle.

Iced Tea, Vol. 23, Issue 38

Heavily identified with the American South, iced tea has passionate adherents almost everywhere, and equally passionate detractors. The latter may condescend over their piping hot lapsang souchong if that makes them feel better (as long as they keep their pinkies in), but for those of us who enjoy a good glass now and then, a refresher on the Perfect Propriety of iced tea is in order.

First, Etiquetteer absolutely denies outright the existence of instant iced tea. There is no such thing. When you’re eating out, confirm when ordering that fresh-brewed iced tea is offered. If not, order something else.

Iced tea is served in tall slender glasses (tall water goblets will do in a pinch) with an iced tea spoon, which is essentially a long-handled teaspoon. “Iced tea spoons are a regular item in place settings sold in the southern part of the United States, replacing cream soup spoons in the place setting,” according to Richard Osterberg in Sterling Silver Flatware for Dining Elegance (1999). Dear Grandmother’s silver includes iced tea spoons instead of any soup spoons at all, which sometimes leads Etiquetteer to throw up his hands and invoke Mrs. Honeychurch: “I cannot help the drawing-room furniture; your father bought it and we must put up with it.”* When setting the table, an iced tea spoon would take the place of soup spoon to the right of the knives.

Everyone has their own preferred method for making iced tea; if you know what works for you, carry on. Alice Foote MacDougall, the early 20th-century restaurateur, wrote how to make good iced tea in her first book, Coffee and Waffles, and to her “the ‘Don’ts’ are of almost primary importance.” Some of them are:

• “Don’t make iced tea of English Breakfast tea.” (Etiquetteer rather daringly uses Constant Comment, which makes a rich-tasting beverage.)

• “Don’t make it at 7 AM for use at 7 PM.”

• “Don’t think that one slice of lemon floating on the surface will be anything but an irritation to your guest.”

Mrs. MacDougall also wrote “Don’t forget that the Chinese use no sugar at all — and they know tea.” She clearly didn’t know the American South, where sweet tea is more than nectar for some; it’s a lifestyle. Recipes vary, but essentially it’s adding one cup sugar to four cups freshly brewed hot tea and then chilling until it’s time to serve. It’s very sweet (which is the point), so it’s not for everyone. Restaurants will ask if you want “sweet or unsweet tea.” Order wisely.

Mrs. MacDougall’s recipe for iced tea “as it should be” includes some sensible instructions: not starting to make it until half an hour before serving, cutting off the tea bag labels (“You want tea, not printer’s ink”), fresh cold water for the kettle, and plenty of ice for the pitcher. “This tea must be made strong, as the melted ice reduces the strength. Water must not be added to weaken it.” But she also adds the juice of three lemons and one orange (!), which . . . well, that is just not how we did it Down Home.

Cream is not served with iced tea as it is with iced coffee. Sugar** or lemon are your choices. Some people go mad for garnishes: mint leaves, slices of various citrus, and Mrs. MacDougall even suggests pineapple. Etiquetteer suggests simplicity. But the one thing that’s exactly the same as hot tea is how iced tea is stirred. Move your long-handled iced tea spoon back and forth to diffuse the sugar throughout, not in a circular motion.

Etiquetteer wishes you as many cool, refreshing glasses of luscious iced tea as you wish, and like-minded companions with whom to enjoy them.

*A Room With a View, by E.M. Forster.

**Bring your own artificial sweetener.

Weight Loss, Vol. 23, Issue 37

Dear Etiquetteer:

May I begin by saying how much I appreciate your advice and enjoy reading your blog.

My question is this: with the growing availability and popularity of weight-loss drugs, I’ve recently met casual acquaintances who’ve lost massive amounts of weight in a short time. Is there a proper way to remark upon their shedding of pounds? If I say, “You look wonderful,” does this imply they looked terrible in the past? Do I ignore the obvious and ask if they changed their hair? In some cases, the change in physique has been so dramatic that I didn’t recognize the person. How extremely embarrassing. Please advise.

Dear Rattled in Richmond:

You’re wise to be sensitive. Not everyone who’s had a Sudden Change of Appearance is eager to talk about it, whether it’s weight loss (or gain), an injury, or a new accessory like a wheelchair or cane. And it’s easy to put your foot in your mouth, as Barbra Streisand did a month ago, asking Melissa McCarthy on Instagram if she took Ozempic. Ms. McCarthy took that comment in the Proper Spirit, but fans of both ladies loudly expressed their disapproval of Barbra’s question.

It’s folly, if someone has lost a great deal of weight, to comment specifically on something else like hairstyles. To Etiquetteer, “You look wonderful” is a neutral comment, though Insincere Delivery can give it an edge. Why not add “. . . and it is wonderful to see you” to change the focus from their appearance to your pleasure? This gives your acquaintance an opportunity to comment on their change in appearance, or not. Follow their lead. If they do bring it up, it’s more discreet to ask a general question like “What’s your regime?” than to mention specific medications.

Failing to recognize someone is very embarrassing because we all want to believe we’re unforgettable. It happened to Etiquetteer just last week. (“You’re married?!” It’s astonishing how a spouse can change someone’s appearance.) When this happens, acknowledge the embarrassment and blame it on the length of time since you last saw each other. These days That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much frequently adds “Since the pandemic I know longer know who I do and don’t know anymore” — which is not untrue.

Etiquetteer wishes you many pleasant and smooth encounters with friends and acquaintances of all avoirdupois.

Locker Rooms, Vol. 23, Issue 36

Dear Etiquetteer:

Not for lack of trying, we have ended up with an all-male cleaning crew [at the fitness center where I work]. We clean the changerooms eight times a day, so it is sometimes hard to get in there. We have posted [cleaning] times and a folding sign that reads “male attendant in changeroom” that is placed at the entrance. Before entry we announce that we would like to gain entry and wait for the OK. Enter noise-cancelling headphones . . . I have walked in on many women. I requested a sign with a picture of headphones and “Please be mindful of your earphones,” but that was considered telling women what to do in their own dressing room . . . and no one reads signs anyway, and it doesn’t fit with our “branding.” We are publicly funded. Anyways just wondered if you have run into any issues around the noise-cancelling earphones.

Dear Embarrassed:

Few things are as embarrassing as walking in on someone who’s undressed — whether they’re expecting it or not. Noise-cancelling headphones make it even more of a jolt. You have Etiquetteer’s complete sympathy.

The locker room is not just the private space of the users, it’s also your workplace. The safety and comfort of you and your colleagues is just as important as that of the users’. Etiquetteer doubts that management would consider violation of privacy as part of their “branding,” so we need to find a solution that covers everyone’s concerns without sounding bossy.

Unfortunately signage isn’t working as well as you’d like. The next step is for management to talk about earbud use in a memo or the next membership newsletter, something along the lines of this:

“Our all-male cleaning crew needs access to the women’s changing room eight times a day so that our facilities are always clean and comfortable for you. Signs are posted at the changing room entrance, and the crew announces themselves every time before entering. Unfortunately noise-cancelling headphones or earbuds keep members from hearing those announcements sometimes, and there have been a couple embarrassing moments. If you’re using headphones in the changing rooms, please be mindful of when the crew is scheduled to come in and clean. We want to keep your changing space, and their workspace, safe and comfortable for everyone. Thanks for your understanding and help.”

This language makes users aware of the issue and suggests what they can do without issuing orders. In the meantime, Etiquetteer would suggest not entering the locker room alone; have another crew member with you. Be sure, too, to report to your supervisor every time this happens, so they are fully aware of the scope of the problem.

Etiquetteer wishes you no surprises, and new female colleagues, in the future.