Dear Etiquetteer:
May I begin by saying how much I appreciate your advice and enjoy reading your blog.
My question is this: with the growing availability and popularity of weight-loss drugs, I’ve recently met casual acquaintances who’ve lost massive amounts of weight in a short time. Is there a proper way to remark upon their shedding of pounds? If I say, “You look wonderful,” does this imply they looked terrible in the past? Do I ignore the obvious and ask if they changed their hair? In some cases, the change in physique has been so dramatic that I didn’t recognize the person. How extremely embarrassing. Please advise.
Dear Rattled in Richmond:
You’re wise to be sensitive. Not everyone who’s had a Sudden Change of Appearance is eager to talk about it, whether it’s weight loss (or gain), an injury, or a new accessory like a wheelchair or cane. And it’s easy to put your foot in your mouth, as Barbra Streisand did a month ago, asking Melissa McCarthy on Instagram if she took Ozempic. Ms. McCarthy took that comment in the Proper Spirit, but fans of both ladies loudly expressed their disapproval of Barbra’s question.
It’s folly, if someone has lost a great deal of weight, to comment specifically on something else like hairstyles. To Etiquetteer, “You look wonderful” is a neutral comment, though Insincere Delivery can give it an edge. Why not add “. . . and it is wonderful to see you” to change the focus from their appearance to your pleasure? This gives your acquaintance an opportunity to comment on their change in appearance, or not. Follow their lead. If they do bring it up, it’s more discreet to ask a general question like “What’s your regime?” than to mention specific medications.
Failing to recognize someone is very embarrassing because we all want to believe we’re unforgettable. It happened to Etiquetteer just last week. (“You’re married?!” It’s astonishing how a spouse can change someone’s appearance.) When this happens, acknowledge the embarrassment and blame it on the length of time since you last saw each other. These days That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much frequently adds “Since the pandemic I know longer know who I do and don’t know anymore” — which is not untrue.
Etiquetteer wishes you many pleasant and smooth encounters with friends and acquaintances of all avoirdupois.