Dear Etiquetteer:
I am in a situation that I do not know whether etiquette will help, but here goes:
I work in a small town, and my post office is adjacent to a small café. Our building is in many ways the social hub of the community. One of the café regulars is a man we see dying before our eyes. He is an active alcoholic, uses a walker after a fall in his home, and lives very close by.
His son told me, two years ago after his dad was hospitalized, that the doctor told him no more alcohol, or it would kill him. We have watched his body dwindle away, though his mind and conversational skills are as sharp as ever.
The director of the organization is worried we could lose our liquor license if we serve him beer and he gets into an accident. I worry we are contributing to his death, albeit obviously it is his choice to drink.
We recently overheard him tell another patron that he has no feeling in his legs, and is losing feeling in his hands. I know his hands have given him trouble for months, because he has been unable to open his P.O. box for months, and has me hand him his mail.
I spoke to his future daughter-in-law; she and his son live in the house with him. She says she would never sue us if anything happened to him because we serve him beer. But of course he could hurt others.
How does one tell this man we do not want to serve him beer any more? And if we stick to that, are we responsible if he drives further, risking more people’s lives, to get his alcohol? What are humble, conflicted humans to do?
Dear Humble:
Humility is not a bad place from which to begin a difficult conversation like this. It shows that you remain a part of what Hawthorne called “the chain of human sympathies,” and that you genuinely care not only for this troubled patron, but for all your small community.
Questions of legal responsibility need to be handled by people who know the laws of your state. You may learn more about “dram shop laws,” which involve legal risks for bartenders, here and here.
If/when you decide you’re no longer able to serve this patron, that conversation is likely to come as a shock to him. You should not have to have that conversation with him by yourself. Be sure that your organization’s director is with you; it may be that it’s that person’s role, as director, to deliver the news rather than you. Talk with him in a private place where others won’t overhear; a corner of the bar might be too exposed. Explain kindly that his demeanor and conversations within the café have alarmed you enough about his well-being and that of the community that you’re no longer able to serve him. Acknowledge that it’s difficult for him to hear that news, and difficult to share it, but that you do so out of concern for him as well as everyone else.
You’ve said you’ve already discussed his situation with family members, and you should probably alert them in advance about your plans. Should they be present? Etiquetteer feels conflicted. This is not an intervention, strictly speaking. Etiquetteer understands how concerned you are personally for this man, but the principal reasons for your taking action are concern for the safety of your community and the liability of you and your colleagues. Possibly he will react angrily. Do your best not to take anything he says personally.
Communicating tough news never feels easy, and Etiquetteer wishes you strength and calm as you approach this patron with sympathy.