Returning to the Spring Madness of Pet Peeves, Vol. 14, Issue 20

There's no doubt about it, alas: Etiquetteer has been asleep at the wheel of his Hispano-Suiza for the last two weeks and was just about to drive off the most Perfectly Proper cliff you can imagine. Fate, however, had other plans, and steered Etiquetteer into a convenient field of poppies, from which Etiquetteer is now somewhat sleepily recovering thanks to the Good Witch of the North. So, where were we? Aha, just about to enter the Final Four Round of Etiquetteer's Spring Madness of Pet Peeves! And how exciting it is to find out what the top Pet Peeve is in each division:

WEDDINGS: Guests who don't R.s.v.p.

DRIVING AND TRAFFIC: Cell phone use while operating a vehicle.

TABLE MANNERS/DINING OUT: Ill-mannered children and complacent parents.

GENERAL PEEVES: Loud public cellphone conversations.

Vote now and help determine what the final Devilish Duo of Pet Peeves will be!

Etiquetteer is interested to learn your pet peeves, and was so pleased to receive this peeve from a reader, who sent it to queries@etiquetteer.com:

You ask for my pet peeve not on the list, and it's overt judginess.  This obviously doesn't mean you!  Or etiquette!  But the trend now to believe that everything that you believe is the only right thing and anyone who isn't voting/raising their children/protecting the environment/whatever in exactly the way that you are, needs to be set straight.  For instance, you have on the list, "parking illegally in handicapped spaces," which I actually voted for, but a bigger pet peeve would be feeling that you get to decide exactly who is handicapped enough to park in the space and leaving a note on the windshield of someone without a visible handicap saying that they should leave these spaces for real handicapped people.  People who don't mind their own business and feel that they should be able to tell everyone exactly how to live their lives, that is my pet peeve. Which is of course the whole marriage equality issue.  Do you want to get married to a person of your own gender?  No?  Then the normal thing to do would be to say, "Well, it doesn't affect me in any way, so those people can do what they like," not, "Well, it doesn't affect me in any way, so I will try to stop it with all of my power because EVERYONE MUST LIVE AND THINK EXACTLY AS I DO!"

This is my pet peeve.  I think it's too long for a survey question, though!

And really, Etiquetteer need not try to say it better than that.

Condolences and National Card and Letter Writing Month, Vol. 14, Issue 19

Dear Etiquetteer: Is the term, "I'm sorry" an appropriate response upon hearing of a death in the family of a friend? I see so much of that on Facebook, while I had thought that extending sympathy or condolences would be a more proper response.

Dear Condoling:

Your query shows a discerning attitude about how we use language, which Etiquetteer can only admire and wish more people would adopt. This led Etiquetteer to examine more closely the definition of "sorry." For a moment Etiquetteer thought the word might imply personal responsibility for what one was sorry for. As it turns out, one definition is ""Feeling regret, compunction, sympathy . . . " and another is "suggestive of grief or suffering," so Etiquetteer can say that "I'm sorry" is an appropriate response to the news of a death. I'm sorry.

Now, is it the most appropriate response? Like you, Etiquetteer would rather see "My condolences" or "My sympathies" used instead, because those words are more specific to the occasion. "I'm sorry" is used every time an apology is made. One cannot say "My condolences for forgetting to attend your birthday dinner," for instance. And online, "I'm sorry" looks rather like a throwaway comment, which (Etiquetteer must hasten to add before the brickbats fly) is surely not the intent of those commenting.

Etiquetteer remains ambivalent about online condolences, whether on social media or through the online guest books of funeral homes. This is not to say that such things aren't, or can't be, Proper; this only reflects Etiquetteer's ambivalence. Condolences serve two purposes: to express sympathy to the bereaved by sharing positive thoughts and memories of the deceased; and, through the act of thoughtful writing, to assist oneself through the grieving process. What is attractive about expressing sympathy online is its immediacy, and the swift expression of condolences remains a very important part of expressing them. But the pitfalls of Immediate Online Expression are thoughtlessness and indiscretion on one side, and the consciousness of writing for a larger audience than the bereaved on the other. This last can sometimes lead to - how to say it? - an Escalation of Histrionics that becomes less about the impact of the deceased and more about the individual grief of each commenter. Just as it is improper to steal the spotlight from the bride at a wedding, so is it improper to steal the spotlight from the deceased. Often that form of writing is best left to one's personal, offline journal.

 

Etiquetteer learned only recently that April is National Card and Letter Writing Month. Considering the query above, it's essential to note that online comments on a message board do not replace the need for a handwritten condolence note. Nor will Etiquetteer accept the complaint that this is stuffy and old-fashioned. If anything, the understandable rush to adopt online communications has made handwritten letters and notes that much more significant and special to the recipients! The Lovely Note of Thanks (especially for wedding gifts), the Get Well Card, and even the Letter for No Reason give us opportunities for creativity and thoughtfulness unavailable online, because the audience is the Recipient Alone. And the thrill of seeing an envelope in one's mailbox that isn't a bill or junk mail remains fresh.

Unfortunately Etiquetteer has mailed exactly two handwritten pieces of correspondence this month. Let's all do better than that in the remaining week of National Card and Letter Writing Month, and in the months beyond!

Today is the last official day to vote in Etiquetteer's Spring Madness of Pet Peeves, and my goodness, what is to come afterward . . . This round determines the champion pet peeve in each division. NEXT week we'll see the divisions compete against each other: Weddings vs. Driving and Traffic, and Dining Out/Table Manners vs. General Peeves! So far these look like difficult choices. Please vote today!

Round II Results, Etiquetteer's Spring Madness of Pet Peeves, Vol. 14, Issue 17

Last week's voting in Etiquetteer's Spring Madness of Pet Peeves have led to some exciting pairings for next week's competition, which will determine the Champion Pet Peeve in each of the divisions! Etiquetteer would like to thank everyone to voted, and encourage you all to cast your votes again this week. WEDDINGS

First off, and without surprise, "Guests who don't R.s.v.p." handily overtook "Lack of information about time, directions, etc." at 57% to 43%. As a result, this week "Guests who don't R.s.v.p." will have to compete with "Couples who don't send thank-you notes," which squeaked ahead of "Weddings as fund-raisers for the honeymoon" 52% to 48%. In some ways, Etiquetteer thinks this might be the bloodiest of competitions; each pet peeve involves the lack of a response. But which leaves Etiquetteer readers feeling more disrespected?

DRIVING AND TRAFFIC

It's interesting to observe that any pet peeve not relating to driving has not advanced in this category. "Drivers who ignore red lights" trounced "Drivers blocking bike lanes" 82% to 18%. "Cell phone use while operating a vehicle" had a less easy time getting ahead of "Illegally parking in handicapped spaces, " 65% to 35%. And a part of Etiquetteer is disappointed in that, because those who require handicapped parking already have a lot to deal with, and deserve better than to be inconvenienced. But choosing between "Drivers who ignore red lights" and "Cell phone use while operating a vehicle" will surely be a tough call for many.

TABLE MANNERS/DINING OUT

Here, behaviors that have been pet peeves for centuries won out. The comparatively recent "Texting at the table," to Etiquetteer's surprise, didn't stand a chance against "Chewing with mouth open," 59% to 41%. It just proves that Etiquetteer really does know only the Very Best People, since it's been a very long time since anyone's been witnessed chewing with his or her mouth open. And texting at the table is such a deliberate ignoring of one's physical companions! Ah well, "Chewing with mouth open" must now fight a steamroller of a pet peeve "Ill-mannered children with complacent parents," which topped "Cheap tippers" 75% to 25%! "Ill-mannered children with complacent parents" has consistently performed well in Spring Madness, and may well defeat all the competition.

GENERAL PEEVES

In our last category, the victors came out as Etiquetteer predicted. "Confusing customer service menus" was no match for "Door-to-door solicitors of any kind," going down 42% to 58%. Then "Loud public cellphone conversations" easily bested "Oversufficient cologne" 64% to 36%. This week's pairing pits one century against the other, in a way, as the door-to-door thing was so 20th century, and the cellphone thing is, well, so omnipresent.

So keep voting! It will take half as much time every week. And of course if you discover something you think is missing, you may always share it with Etiquetteer at queries@etiquetteer.com.

Texting at Cash Registers, Vol. 14, Issue 16

Dear Etiquetteer: I’m here to register another contemporary lack of manners - texting at the cash register. As a preamble, I’m usually pretty chill about navigating public space but several days after this happened, I’m still steamed about it. Here’s what happened:

The day before Passover, I was at a bakery to buy hot cross buns at a popular local food market. There are two lines leading to two cash registers where there’s limited counter space. The woman in front of me was picking up a couple of special order cakes that required special wrapping and bagging. After she received her cakes, she made no effort to leave the counter or even to clear some space for the other people lined up - and she started texting, obviously oblivious to everyone around her. It was not a short text. I was so stunned by her rudeness that I was (perhaps fortunately) speechless. Any words of advice on how to handle this type of situation in the future?

Dear Text-Blocked:

Etiquetteer has often found that a brisk "Excuse me, please!" can be effective in clearing the way. The cashier should have taken the matter in hand by calling out "Next, please!" and waved over the next customer. Should this Oblivious Texter remain just as insulated from the situation as before, you might have approached and said - kindly, without possible annoyance - "Excuse me, but there's a rather long line behind us." Saying it kindly is important, as otherwise you might have to have a big discussion about Feelings, which would hold up the line even more. And, as Etiquetteer has said so often before, no one cares How You Feel; you are still expected to behave with Perfect Propriety.

These situations occur more and more frequently as Consideration for Others is no longer thought as important as Personal Convenience. More and more the Perfectly Proper are having to Speak Up to prod the Uncaring into behaving well. Etiquetteer can't help but be saddened by this state of affairs.

Today is the last day to vote in Round II of Etiquetteer's Spring Madness of Pet Peeves! It is interesting to note that in Round II, the narrowest splits in the voting have to do with Weddings, while the greatest divide has to do with driving-related peeves. Please vote today! And should you have a pet peeve you need to share with Etiquetteer, send it to queries@etiquetteer.com.

Wedding Gift of Money, Vol. 14, Issue 15

Dear Etiquetteer: If we are going to give the bride and groom money for a wedding present, is it best to send it to them before the wedding, send it to them after the wedding, or give it to the bride or groom or bride’s father at the wedding?

Dear Moneyed:

Logistically, the most Perfectly Proper thing to do is to mail your gift before the wedding to the member of the Happy Couple you know best. Considering how busy the week before the wedding is, especially for the bride, Etiquetteer thinks it should arrive no later than eight to ten days before the wedding. This shows thoughtfulness to those recipients who take the trouble to send Lovely Notes of Thanks - which all Happy Couples should but don't - when gifts arrive.

Etiquetteer was just about to remonstrate with you for suggesting slipping a check in care of one of the fathers. After all, these days most Happy Couples are no longer teenagers fresh out of high school; they're fully functioning adults who ought to be responsible for their own affairs. But then Etiquetteer stopped, remembering that on the Great Day one's attention is taken up by so many things that it is very easy to forget just about everything one is supposed to do, such as remembering to bring the rings. So if one must bring a gift of money to the wedding itself, entrusting it to a Reliable Parent is better than slipping it into the groom's jacket pocket, where it might easily remain when returned to the tuxedo rental.

Your query reminded Etiquetteer of the Old Days when wedding gifts used to be displayed at the reception, a custom that happily has faded away. Etiquette writers of yore would advise on how to display checks given as wedding gifts so that the name of the giver was visible, but not the amount. Which just goes to show how manners continue to evolve, and not always for the worse.

Round II of Etiquetteer's Spring Madness of Pet Peeves remains open for voting! Go here to pick out what peeves you most about weddings, driving and traffic, table manners/dining out, and just in general.

Round I Results, Etiquetteer's Spring Madness of Pet Peeves, Vol. 14, Issue 14

The results are in, the votes tabulated, and different pairs of Victorious Pet Peeves will now compete in Round II! Etiquetteer was surprised, delighted, and disappointed with some of the results. Let's go through them division by division. WEDDINGS

Unfortunately, Etiquetteer was not exactly surprised to see "Lack of information about time, directions, etc." win out over "No indication of dress code," 75% to 25%. Etiquetteer attributes this to two things: 1) too few people caring about what they wear in the first place - remember, the opposite of Formal is Informal, not Casual! - and 2) the growing number of wedding guests that need to get on a plane to attend. "Lack of information" will now face off with "Guests who don't R.s.v.p.", which beat out "Bridal registry information on the invitation" 79% to 21%. While Etiquetteer has certainly had to smoke out enough unresponsive guests, it seems an even greater offense to make an invoice of an invitation.

"Weddings as fund-raisers for the honeymoon" triumphed over "Cash bar for wedding guests who have traveled across the country," 69% to 31%. One can only direct the largesse of one's friends and family so much! Unsurprisingly, "Couples who do not send thank-you notes" won out over "Destination weddings," 63% to 37%. There are those who don't really consider destination weddings a pet peeve. Etiquetteer has to wonder if they are, in fact, brides. So few brides understand that their wedding just isn't as important to everyone else as it is to them. But having gone to the trouble of selecting a wedding gift and bringing or sending it, and perhaps even going to the expense of attending a wedding far away, and then not even the courtesy of a Lovely Note -- indeed, that's an offense! Let's see how that does against "Weddings as fund-raisers for the honeymoon" in Round II.

DRIVING AND TRAFFIC

"Drivers who ignore red lights" peeves readers much more than "Pedestrians texting while walking in traffic," 69% to 31%, though Etiquetteer confesses that he is more peeved by texting pedestrians. The gap was narrower in the next pair: "Drivers blocking bike lanes" overrode "Cyclists wearing earphones" 52% to 48%. So we'll have two driver pet peeves facing each other in Round II. One wonders if there weren't more pedestrians taking this survey  . . .

Etiquetteer thinks that "Cell phone use while operating a vehicle" should have beat out "Double parking on narrow streets" by a larger margin. It was closer than Etiquetteer expected, 54% to 46%. Yes, double parking is annoying, but the former pet peeve is much more fatal in the long run. "Cell phone use" will face "Illegally parking in handicapped spaces" now, which triumphed over "Relying solely on GPS and getting lost" 73% to 27%. This does seem like an emotional vote. Depriving the handicapped of their convenient and legally protected parking is not just Perfectly Improper, it's Wicked. But Etiquetteer could shred road maps with his teeth in anxiety of the number of drivers who haven't the barest idea of where they're going until they get hopelessly lost - and then have to drive around in traffic using their cell phones.

TABLE MANNERS/DINING OUT

"Chewing with mouth open" - disgusting throughout the ages, much more so than "Check-splitting for more than four diners," 83% to 17%! Next week we'll see if it's more disgusting than "Texting at the table," which is definitely one of Etiquetteer's pet peeves. "Texting" beat out "Last minute cancellations" by a significant margin, 62% to 38%. One doesn't attend a dinner party to interact with people who are elsewhere. It's that simple!

"Diners who photograph their food" got off easy this time, as "Ill-mannered children and complacent parents" just destroyed them 82% to 11%. Photographing one's food is certainly a phenomenon of the Digital Age, but at least that's silent. Children have been shrieking and carrying on at dinner tables ever since the extinction of nannies.

But how well will those ill-mannered kids and their parents deal in the next round against "Cheap Tippers?" To Etiquetteer's surprise, "Cheap Tippers" came out the winner over "Slow service," 64% to 36%.

GENERAL PEEVES

It's probably a sign that our civilization is doing more online, but "Confusing customer service menus" garnered more votes than "Scratchy recorded music on call waiting," 80% to 20%. On the other hand, the former could apply to online transactions as well as the telephone. But the Big Communications Companies would go far to clean up their call waiting music. It's also a sign we're doing more online that "Door-to-door solicitors of any kind" won over "Being interrupted," 71% to 29%. Having to answer the doorbell certainly takes one away from the computer! But being interrupted is enormously aggravating. Sometimes the best way to deal is to stop communicating and give your Alleged Partner in Conversation a Blank Stare. When they notice, simply ask "May I continue?"

"Loud public cellphone conversations" easily bested "Visible undergarments," 85% to 14%. Etiquetteer, who is mighty tired of seeing bra straps and elastic waistbands, wished that had shown better in the polls.

Our final pair of pet peeves, "Insufficient deodorant" vs. "Oversufficient cologne," was the one Etiquetteer watched the most. For much of the voting, this pair was tied! The final result: "Insufficient deodorant" at 45% and "Oversufficient cologne" at 55%. Etiquetteer really thought it would go the other way. The solution is the same for both: bathe more. And here's some simple advice for those ladies and gentlemen who use scent. Your scent is supposed to attract others to you, but that's very difficult to do when it takes up all the air around you. Don't use enough that anyone can identify what it is. Your scent should be subtle and intriguing. Kidnapping with cologne will only get you under an oxygen tent.

Thanks for joining the fun! Now it's on to Round II here!

Spring Madness of Pet Peeves! Vol. 14, Issue 13

Voting ends tonight in Round I of Etiquetteer's Spring Madness of Pet Peeves, and it's been interesting to see what peeves Etiquetteer's readers - and what doesn't. Please vote now! Look out tomorrow for which pet peeves advance to the next round; the competitions will be even more interesting! Readers have also submitted pet peeves they didn't see in the competition, and the list is growing engrossing:

• Clicking on a link to respond to something and my computer opens up a mail program I never use. Etiquetteer hopes that this is something that can be easily resolved by tech support.
• Stupid pet videos taking over my Facebook newsfeed. Indeed! Etiquetteer has found some assistance by clicking "I don't want to see this" or simply hiding posts from pet-centric friends.
• Gum-cracking. "A word to the wise is sufficient," as Etiquetteer's Dear Mother says. Although, would the wise be cracking gum in the first place? Etiquetteer trembles to think of the first verse of "He Had It Comin'" from Chicago . . .
• Not deciding what to order until you get to the front of the long line. This is especially aggravating when there have been so many opportunities to consider the menu on the wall first. One can only hope that counter staff will occasionally call out "Please be ready with your order when you approach the counter!"
• Responding to a long, thought-out email, with "K." True, but that's better than "TLDR."
• Fiddling with the radio/air conditioning on someone else's car when they are driving. As the driver, one has the opportunity to say "Stop that!"
• Making fun of gifts given to you, with the giver in the room. Callous in the extreme! Recipients who behave that way should be stricken permanently from your gift list.
• Asking a question and then interrupting before they finish answering. Not a defensible habit, but Etiquetteer cannot Wag an Admonitory Digit too vigorously over it, since this is a Bad Habit of That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much (and certainly, in this case, knows better).
• Talking in theaters, especially live performances. Sometimes even the Icy Glare is insufficient - too many people suffer from a lack of Guilt and Shame at inconveniencing others. Time to call the usher.
• Taking the last of a communal good such as office coffee, and not making more. Indeed, it's frustrating when one's need for caffeine cannot be gratified immediately! The gravity of this offense lessens the further one gets away from the Hours of Greatest Consumption. For instance, it's wasteful to make a fresh pot of coffee two hours before closing time, when it couldn't all possibly be drunk.

As we advance to Round II tomorrow, Etiquetteer thinks you surely must have a pet peeve that isn't on the competition grid. Won't you please send it along to queries@etiquetteer.com?

The Best Advice Is Simplest, Vol. 14, Issue 12

Really, the best etiquette advice is the simplest. Etiquetteer has Ten Pieces of Simplest Advice for you: Get out of the way.

Hang up and drive.

Get out and vote.

Shut up and eat.

Show up on time.

Say "Please" and "Thank you."

Be nice to the staff.

Don't make a fuss.

If you said you'd be there, be there.

When in doubt, send a Lovely Note of Thanks.

 

Introductions and Smoking, Vol. 8, Issue 11

Dear Etiquetteer: Please advise the correct way to introduce a mentor to a friend or a spouse. Who gets introduced first, especially if you want to pay a significant honor to one of the people?

Dear Mentored:

One of the few areas where precedence or rank matter any more, the formula for introductions is really very easy to handle: less important people are introduced to more important people. So:

• Junior employees are introduced to senior employees.
• Young people are introduced to older people.
• Congregants are introduced to the minister.
• Gentlemen are introduced to ladies.
• Everyone is introduced to an internationally recognized diva (e.g. Renée Fleming, Bette Midler, but not that snobbish woman in Accounts Payable who just behaves like a diva.)*
• Everyone, including internationally recognized divas, is introduced to world leaders.

The key difference is how you craft the Phrase of Introduction, either "introduce you to" or "introduce to you." In your case, your mentor is due more honor, so you introduce him/her to your spouse: "Dr. Obtuse, I would like to introduce to you my spouse, Pat Mentored." In the same situation, if you were speaking to your spouse, you'd say, "Pat, I'd like to introduce you to Dr. Obtuse, an important mentor for me in college." Since it's dangerous to assume that married couples share a last name now, you would be more Perfectly Proper to include your spouse's last name in that last sentence.

Dear Etiquetteer:

This isn't really a question, but perhaps you can make me feel better and less angry.  I am in a consistent state of wonderment over why it seems socially acceptable for smokers to litter with their cigarette butts.  If I ate a candy bar and then just dropped the wrapper on the sidewalk or someone's lawn, my companion would be horrified (and justifiably so).  But cigarette butts seem to not count as littering.  I have seen people of all ages, genders and races commit this.  I have even been behind a police cruiser and seen the officer throw a cigarette butt out his window.  When I asked a good friend who had just done this why he thought it was OK, he had no answer, but admitted that he will probably continue to do so.  Any thoughts?

Dear Butted:

Etiquetteer deplores this habit, too, but especially at the beach. Few things can bring down one's beach experience more than finding out you've spread your towel over a nicotine graveyard. Just because one can bury one's butt in the sand doesn't mean it can't be uncovered later.

The only answer Etiquetteer can give to your query is that this custom ensures, believe it or not, public safety. Your theoretical candy wrapper was not on fire before you threw it away, and a carelessly disposed cigarette butt could start a fire in a trashcan. (Indeed, many years ago Etiquetteer had to put out just such a fire.) Etiquetteer has seen many a careless smoker drop his or her flaming butt unconcernedly on the sidewalk without even troubling to grind it out underfoot, but also knows some Perfectly Proper smokers who take the trouble to extinguish their cigarettes completely before throwing them away in a receptacle.

Etiquetteer makes no secret of preferring a non-smoking environment. Having worked one summer in an office the size of a large dining room table with two chain smokers deprived Etiquetteer of any tolerance for cigarette smoke. And yet Etiquetteer cannot help but deplore the near criminalization of smoking and the almost complete expulsion of smokers from interior spaces. From the days when etiquette writer Lillian Eichler recommended placing a container with three cigarettes between every two diners at a formal dinner party, Society has now condemned smokers to sidewalks. Where possible, Etiquetteer would like to see the return of the smoking room, or at least a dedicated interior space for smokers.

Write Etiquetteer today with your own etiquette queries at queries_at_etiquetteer_dot_com!

Table Manners, Vol. 14, Issue 11

Dear Etiquetteer: This question came up at a work dinner. I was served first, as was one other person. As I was taught, I waited for others to be served. One other told me to eat while it was warm. It was then mentioned that the new etiquette is to eat when you are served. So what are the rules? Eat when you are served, or wait for others?

Dear Dining:

Etiquetteer's first response when reading your query was, alas, rather sarcastic: "Have you heard about the new etiquette? You get to do whatever you want no matter how inconvenient to others!"

Why do we wait for others? Because it's awkward to be the only person at the table not eating, whether that's at the beginning of the meal or the end. We are invited to break bread together, not consecutively. Suppose you had bolted through your dinner and had nothing left by the time everyone else was served? You'd be in the same boat as the diner who had been served last. It's equally awkward to be the last person still eating.

When dining in a private home, everyone's dinner is more likely to arrive because everyone is (more often than not) being served the same meal. When dining in restaurants there is always the risk that diners will be served at different times, because the cooking times of individual choices may vary.

It's most Perfectly Proper to wait for all to be served before beginning one's meal. It's most Perfectly Proper, when one is one of the last to be served, to exhort others to begin eating - especially if there seems to be a risk of a lengthy delay. And even when urged to begin, Etiquetteer does so with reluctance, hoping that the waiter will really not be too long with the remaining covers.

Six Pieces of Perfect Propriety to Bring Back, Vol. 14, Issue 10

Etiquetteer can think of six pieces of Perfect Propriety that we might bring back for more Gracious Living:

1. The term and function of "collation." A collation is a light, informal meal, such as a continental breakfast or after-theatre supper. Etiquetteer supposes that an afternoon tea could be considered a form of collation. Perhaps Etiquetteer just likes the idea of a big percolator in the dining room with a tray of delicious pastries.
2. General understanding of table stationery for formal functions. Etiquetteer gnashes his teeth in frustration to see people look at a placecard and have no idea what it's for. A table card is what is received on arrival at a formal dinner, and it includes one's name and table number on a tiny card in a tiny, unsealed envelope. A place card is a card with one's name on it used to mark one's chair at one's table. At less formal function for which designated seating is necessary, often place cards are presented on arrival so that guests may choose their own seats. Etiquetteer always hopes this will keep diners from tipping their chairs forward or covering them with bits of clothing to mark their places - so inelegant.
3. Egg cups, and not just for the traditional service of soft-boiled eggs at breakfast. With the proliferation of artificial sweeteners, Etiquetteer uses some beautiful old transfer-ware egg cups from a family service to provide those essential packets. But some mornings there's nothing like a good three-minute egg in an egg cup.
4. Boutonnieres, real ones. Especially with the spring coming on after this Historic Winter, it might be considered groundbreaking for lapel florals to break out in spring. Remember, a Perfectly Proper boutonniere is only the flower; no backing of ferns or other greenery is needed.
5. Cups and saucers instead of mugs. At different times Etiquetteer has contemplated starting a Campaign to Bring Back the Saucer. In the hurly burly of the workplace, that's probably too fragile-appearing to sustain, but at home, how restful. And one never has to worry about where to put the spoon when one has a saucer.
6. Candlelight, flattering to all, and creates an atmosphere of both mystery and coziness.

 

Thoughts on Fund-Raising Events, Vol. 14, Issue 18

Earlier this winter the Boston Globe published a piece on "gala fatigue," the weariness faced by members of the business community at having to attend night after night of fund-raising dinners that blur into similarity. Etiquetteer, who has both planned and attended his share of fund-raisers, read it with interest, and considered what might be done to Put the Fun Back in Fund-Raising. Most fund-raising organizations planning events operate on the mistaken notion that people attend them because they want to support and learn more about their cause. Etiquetteer, perhaps cynically, would suggest that people attend them because they want to get a tax deduction for having a good time with their friends and, incidentally, support something worthy. All the speeches - the endless, endless speeches - get in the way of that good time. The growing number of "set-piece" remarks has seen the podium colonize every aspect of a dinner, from dessert (where they belong) through every course of the meal, starting with the salad. This effectively eliminates any opportunity to converse with fellow diners, and more often than not leads guests to leave the table to seek refuge among the silent auction items. Not only does this make table talk difficult for those who remain, it also creates difficulties for the waiters, whose already difficult task of nimbly weaving among tables with heavy trays becomes more complicated when having to dodge oblivious guests standing in the way and chairs that have been left out as obstacles.

Another aspect is the "rubber chicken" problem, the assumptions that chicken is the most universally accepted entrée protein, and that hotel kitchens routinely produce bland, uninspired menus. Both are untrue. Etiquetteer will never forget attending a black-tie dinner for 1,000 people several years ago at which brisket was served as the main course. Brisket. Brisket! Savory in presentation and delightful in its novelty, Etiquetteer thinks more gala committees should look beyond chicken to the unexpected. And while hotel kitchens have a bland reputation for a reason, that's mostly history. Great strides are made at every event to get guests to realize they're facing something delicious.

Of course these days too many people are too fussy about their food. While Etiquetteer certainly appreciates modern medicine - even the late Diana Vreeland acknowledged the benefits of penicillin, as other writers have pointed out - it's allowed too many people to disguise mere preferences as "allergies." Etiquetteer wants to serve them all a heaping helping of Shut Up and Eat.

It's interesting to note how, in the moment, some sort of souvenir of the evening becomes meaningful. It's not always what it is, but how it's presented that makes it stand out. At one black-tie evening, Etiquetteer noticed a run on thematic charms that had been used to tie the napkins as part of the table setting. One lady commandeered those of her dinner companions to make a necklace. One another occasion, guests were each offered a small black velvet bag with a surprise inside on leaving the dining room. Etiquetteer will confess to not being a fan of the "swag bag" at formal events - especially when they turn out to be almost all promotional literature - but admits that that's a case of Personal Preference, not Perfect Propriety.

So, what does Etiquetteer recommend?

• In addition to a dollar goal, make creating positive memories for your guests a priority.
• Preserve time in the evening for guests to talk to each other.
• Halve the spoken program. Halve it. Create other ways to communicate your story. Be ruthless.
• Reconsider the menu and serve something other than chicken.
• Inject the unexpected. Whether it's a surprise guest, an unusual trinket, a special performance, or a big announcement for your organization, let Astonishment take a role in your evening.

Have fun, and best wishes for a successful event!

Etiquetteer's Spring Madness of Pet Peeves is still on! Voting for Round III ends this weekend, and the champion pet peeves in each division have yet to be named. Join the fun and vote here!

Etiquetteer Reviews Amy Alkon's "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," Vol. 14, Issue 9

The closest Etiquetteer has ever thought about the intersection of Etiquette and Science has been what to wear when accepting a Nobel Prize. So it was first with mounting surprise that Etiquetteer read Amy Alkon's bracing Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck, and then with the excitement that comes with Received Wisdom So Obvious One Wonders Why One Hadn't Already Known It. This colorful volume may be the perfect etiquette book for nerds, because Alkon refers frequently to scientific research that explains why humans behave the way they do, and the steps we need to take, individually and as a community, to live together harmoniously.* For instance, everyone is irritated by intrusive cell phone conversations. Alkon tells her readers why, citing research from Cornell about "halfalogues." Turns out a different part of our brain gets engaged listening to someone on the phone; we're all trying to figure out what the other half of the conversation is, whether we want to or not! And this is only one example. Her "science-based theory that we're experiencing more rudeness than ever because we recently lost the constraints on our behavior that were in place for millions of years" is thoroughly researched and piquantly presented. Just for the term "inconsiderado" alone this book is worth reading.

It's interesting to consider how this volume differs from the etiquette books of the last century. When one reads the works of Emily Post, Lillian Eichler, Millicent Fenwick, Amy Vanderbilt, etc., one is more likely to be reading about formal dinners, country house weekends, weddings at home, and behavior with and toward servants. Etiquetteer attributes this to Americans who cared about manners reading about the manners of those one or more rungs above them on the social scale, as well as to a more general feeling of respect toward Refinement and Gracious Living. (Nowadays, we see a more defensive respect of Comfort and Casualness. Etiquetteer says "defensive" because the most zealous defenders of those qualities use them to justify Sloppiness and Selfishness.)

These writers wrote about the rules and how to follow them, but much less so about how to interact with those who would not follow them - beyond, of course, excluding them from one's society. Reading these books, we forget that rudeness still took place in the past. (It should surprise no one that there has always been rudeness. This is the true reason why etiquette books came into being.) Alkon writes feelingly about issues all of us without servants have to face in daily life: double parking, intrusive cell phone conversations, inconsiderate neighbors, litterbugs, and combat driving.

Etiquetteer was especially impressed with Alkon's addressing of issues most of those early 20th-century etiquette writers never had to face: air travel. Security requirements - how Etiquetteer deplores the "security theatre" of having to remove garments and be X-rayed! - and the reduction of personal space and addition of baggage fees by the airlines have created even more challenges to Perfect Propriety. Alkon calls these out, and also calls on air travelers to show some needed respect for flight attendants: "Flight attendants are supposed to provide food and beverage service, not servitude."

Etiquetteer will admit to smiling with delight reading Alkon's owning of the "etiquette aunties," a group into which Etiquetteer could likely be lumped: ". . . quite a bit of the the advice given by traditional etiquette aunties is rather arbitrary, which is why one etiquette auntie advises that a lady may apply lipstick at the dinner table and another considers it an act only somewhat less taboo than squatting and taking a pee in the rosebushes." Alkon may be the perfect etiquette auntie for the 21st century: less likely to be pouring tea for the D.A.R. at home, more likely to be in coffee shops politely letting the oblivious know that their headphones are leaking. Read this book.

*Of course Etiquetteer immediately remembered Rose Sayer, Katharine Hepburn's character in The African Queen, saying "Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we are put on this earth rise above."

Etiquetteer at Random, Vol. 14, Issue 8

Perhaps it's just the weather, but Etiquetteer has become something of a magpie, hopping from one shiny observation on manners to the other:

• The Perfectly Proper place for a table knife is to the right of one's dinner plate, not in the center of the back of one's dinner partner, and certainly not in one's host's back.
• Mourning should show respect for those being mourned, which means that those wearing mourning need to look put together. Just tossing on everything one owns that is black will not do. It must be appropriate to the occasion and with the other garments worn at the same time.
• One of the most Perfectly Proper talents one can cultivate is that of changing the subject when controversial topics, or even topics on which people might disagree with more Heat than Perfect Propriety, come up in conversation.
• Sometimes Etiquetteer is tempted to ask Incessant Texters "If you were with the person you're texting now, would you be texting me?" But that's not very Perfectly Proper . . .
• Last month after Etiquetteer's very successful talk, "Evolution of the Dinner Party 1860-1954" at the Gibson House Museum, a member of the audience asked when, during that time, guests might inform hosts about allergies and dietary needs. The answer, of course, was "Never." These days the shoe is on the other foot, and it's no wonder the amount of entertaining conducted in homes has declined. No host can be a short-order cook, nor should be.
• Etiquetteer hopes all the ladies are preparing their pink mohair coats for spring.
• The practice of making multiple, simultaneous reservations and different restaurants "because I don't know what I'll be in the mood for," is Absolutely Outrageous and needs to be stopped. Certainly some restaurants have taken to shaming no-shows publicly on the internet (about which Etiquetteer feels ambivalent), but one solution would be for those online reservation websites to prohibit multiple simultaneous reservations from the same diners.

Finally, Etiquetteer can only wonder what misuse of the plumbing led to the posting of this sign: "This sink is for hand washing only. No other articles can be placed inside or on this sink."

Blizzard Chic, or Perfect Propriety in Adverse Conditions, Vol. 14, Issue 7

At the moment, New England is receiving an historic amount of snow that is compromising just about everything: safety, public transportation, education, business, general daily life, and, alas, Perfect Propriety. Beth Teitell of The Boston Globe has written an interesting article about how Bostonians are dressing to accommodate both professionalism and the weather. Etiquetteer must bow in admiration to Professor Rictor Noren of the Boston Conservatory, who defiantly commutes on foot dressed as a gentleman in this dreadful weather. His omission of a hat - any hat - is certainly too imprudent for Etiquetteer, and Etiquetteer trembles for the fate of his dress shoes in the absence of boots (Ms. Teitell doesn't indicate if Professor Noren wore rubbers over them; Etiquetteer certainly hopes he did). But one must admit the professor sallies forth with complete confidence, and that is how one projects Style. Etiquetteer steadfastly believes that one does not have to compromise one's professional appearance for the sake of warmth or, indeed, preservation of one's wardrobe from destruction. One need not confine oneself to choosing between looking like a slob and looking like Carly Fiorina. What Ms. Teitell calls "storm chic" Etiquetteer has often referred to as "Yankee chic," which at a minimum is a substitution of good sturdy boots for dress shoes, and can be expanded to include the substitution of more durable materials, if not forms, for business clothes. For instance, Etiquetteer wore this to the office between snowstorms last week:

Instead of a typical tropical-weight wool suit with leather shoes, Etiquetteer's "Yankee chic" uniform is corduroy trousers, a thick wool sweater, and an oversize (to accommodate the sweater) khaki jacket. Barely visible is the wool necktie (one of the rare occasions you'll see Etiquetteer without a bow tie). Author Paul Fussell deplored the middle-class nature of the V-neck sweater, which he claimed middle-class men wore to prove that they were wearing a tie. Etiquetteer can't remember if that was in Class or BAD, and will have to look it up later. (That said, Etiquetteer doesn't really agree with that hypothesis; there's nothing wrong with the Perfectly Proper V-neck sweater.)

So, please be strong and dress warmly with Perfect Propriety. You'll project hope for the swift coming of Spring . . . or, if not Spring, at least the swifter elimination of the snow.

Wedding Invitations, Vol. 14, Issue 6

Dear Etiquetteer: We have a couple of wedding invitation etiquette questions that we're hoping you can help with.

First, we want to have a "cocktail welcome party" the evening before the wedding for all family, and for friends visiting from out of town. We are trying to figure out the best way to get this info to people. I think these are our options:

1. Include this as part of the formal wedding invitation on a separate card, thereby just inviting everyone invited to the wedding.
2. Include an additional card in some invitations that invites particular people to the cocktail party.
3. Send out a separate invitation entirely to those invited.

The second is our favorite option but I'm not sure how much of a faux pas this would be to include a separate card in some invites and not others. Thoughts? Would it be better to just invite everyone? We're just concerned about the number of people.

Second, do you have any thoughts about wording on the formal invitation itself for the reception? We want to include on the actual invitation that there will be "dinner and dancing to follow at ---," but also want it to be clear that this is immediately following the ceremony. Any way to do this without just putting the info on a separate card entirely, or is that our best bet?

Dear Happy Couple:

First, allow Etiquetteer to congratulate you on your coming marriage and wish you a long and happy life together. Your concern for others augurs well for a Happy Married Life!

Etiquetteer understands that your welcome cocktail party* is separate from the rehearsal dinner, to which Etiquetteer assumes only the wedding party and a smaller subset of family are invited. Before considering who to invite, let's first restate your purpose in holding this party, which should direct us in compiling a guest list. You write you want to give a party before the wedding "for all family, and for friends visiting from out of town." Using that guideline, the only wedding guests not invited are local friends. To Etiquetteer this seems perfectly sensible, though you may want to look at that list of local friends, and see if there isn't anyone there with particularly close ties to an out-of-towner who'd be there. For instance, if one of you belongs to a college fraternity or sorority, Etiquetteer would recommend that all brothers and sisters invited to the wedding also be invited to the welcome cocktail party.

Including an additional card in your wedding invitation for this welcome cocktail party would be Perfectly Proper, as has been done for wedding receptions for many years. Once upon a time, an invitation to the wedding was more sought after than an invitation to the reception; how times have changed, alas!** But considering that this party is for out-of-town guests, many of whom will have to book airline flights well in advance, Etiquetteer would encourage you to consider sending a separate invitation. That way they can schedule their flights to arrive in time (if possible, given the state of the airlines). This separate invitation would not have to resemble the wedding invitation, and could even reflect the more casual nature of the party.

As to the reception invitation, you actually included the Perfectly Proper language in your question. Your invitation should read like this:

Mr. and Mrs. Fairleigh Freshness

request the honour of your presence

at the marriage of their daughter

Miss Dewy Freshness

to Mr. Manley Firmness

on [Insert Date Here]

at the Church of the Deity of Your Choice

35 Blissful Way,

Upper Crustington, Connecticut

and immediately following the ceremony at

the Taj-Ritz Seasons Hotel Club

222 Colonial Drive

Upper Crustington, Connecticut

In the bottom left corner, put "Dinner and Dancing" along with your dress code. You may not put "And don't keep us waiting" after that.

Etiquetteer does understand that you'd like the wedding invitation to include the reception information, but encourages you to consider the separate reception invitation card.

*Please use "welcome cocktail party" instead of "cocktail welcome party." Welcome as those cocktails may be, your purpose in giving the party is to welcome the guests, not the cocktails.

**Etiquetteer sometimes wishes it was Perfectly Proper to include on a reception invitation "It will be quite impossible to admit you to the reception if you did not attend the wedding ceremony first."

More Blizzard Etiquette, Vol. 14, Issue 5

The recent record-setting snowfall in New England has tested the Daily Dignity, as well as the Perfect Propriety, of everyone in the region - not least That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much. Is it Etiquetteer's imagination, or were American better able to take things in stride a 30 years ago? Alas, Etiquetteer feels the need to share a few more tips to Get Through This:

1. Recognize when a situation can't be helped, and calm down. No one is to blame for the volume of snow that has fallen, or for the absence of someplace to put it. If you keep carrying on like that, Etiquetteer guarantees that someone will make a Splendid Suggestion about Where You Can Put It.
2. Verbal complaining might or might not make you feel better, but it only raises the stress level for others present. Consider carefully whether or not your interjections help.
3. Do your best not to inconvenience anyone else. If you move more slowly through the slippery sidewalks, step aside so others more fleet of foot may pass. If you're standing in the subway door that opens, for heaven's sake, step out onto the platform and allow others to leave. If you're shoveling out, don't fill up a neighbor's freshly cleared property.
4. Travel light. At times when the public transportation system is strained to ridiculous levels, going anywhere without a backpack is more than thoughtful. And if you must travel with hand luggage, its Perfectly Proper place is on the floor or your lap, not in a seat.
5. As you continue to shovel now, as a reader helpfully pointed out, be sure to clear the fire hydrant nearest to your property. The home you save may be your own.
6. Make light of your troubles where you can. Etiquetteer was deeply impressed by a pair of cheerful women, perhaps strangers until that moment, who managed to keep fellow subway travelers in their vicinity from going mad in the sardine-like crush by imagining the entire adventure was like taking a huge group portrait at a wedding.

In short, Etiquetteer asks you to remember the famous words "This too shall pass."

Blizzard Etiquette, Vol. 14, Issue 4

With the latest blizzard having ravaged the Northeast, Etiquetteer thinks it's time for a few tips on Perfect Propriety during Heavily Inclement Weather:

• Don't dramatize the situation with all these mashup words* like "stormaggedon" and "snowpocalypse," etc. It's a blizzard. Blizzards happen. Heaven forbid Etiquetteer restrict anyone's Freedom of Speech, but really. Blizzards also don't have names assigned to them by television networks. Just run along to the National Weather Service and see what they have to say. Incidentally, they'd do well to dramatize the weather less by not typing their bulletins in ALL CAPS.
• Don't rush. Allow yourself a lot of extra time to and from your destination, whether you're traveling on foot, on skis, or by auto. Be patient; there will be delays, no matter how you're traveling.
• Drive carefully. You never know when someone will have to walk in the street because the sidewalks haven't been shoveled. Etiquetteer will only allow you to honk at them if they're texting at the same time.
• It will happen that a shoveled sidewalk is not wide enough for two people to pass, regardless of any local ordinance. Etiquetteer awards precedence to the party closest to exiting the Narrows, or to the person who is not texting at the same time. Those who are unaware of what's going on around them deserve what they get.
• If someone stands aside for you to pass, thank them kindly. Otherwise you increase the bitterness and resentment already caused by the weather. That old saw about Good Behavior being its own reward is highly overrated.
• It is not uncommon - though it is illegal, and therefore not Perfectly Proper - for drivers who park on the street to "mark" or "save" a parking space they've cleared of snow - admittedly a vigorous undertaking - with some sort of street refuse like a trash barrel or an old chair. While deploring the practice, Etiquetteer refrains from getting involved by removing those markers. Remember, safety first! No one wants to lose teeth to some Vindictive Motorist.
• Wear something simple and straightforward for winter work and sports. Etiquetteer was for some reason reminded of Gloria Upson's description of her newlywed apartment in Auntie Mame: " . . . I don't mean just some little hole-in-the-wall, but a really nice place with some style to it . . . " Consider Etiquetteer's interpretation above: vintage snowsuit, white scarf, and gray stocking cap with white leather work gloves. No fuss, no frills, nor rips and tears either. This is certainly one of those occasions when a bow tie is not Perfectly Proper. No one wants to be thought a parvenu while wielding a snow shovel . . .

Etiquetteer will conclude that, at times of Heavy Weather like this, Safety and Perfect Propriety go hand in hand.

*Actually, the best mashup word to come out of this blizzard is "snowmanhattan." Etiquetteer takes his on the rocks.

The Price of Hospitality, Vol. 14, Issue 3

It's one thing to dream idly of exacting vengeance on Those Who Have Wronged One, but it is never Perfectly Proper to follow through, as Julie Lawrence of Cornwall is discovering, Etiquetteer hopes to her sorrow. Ms. Lawrence held a birthday party for her child. And just as at parties for grownups, someone who said he was coming didn't come after all. In this case it was five-year-old Alex Nash, who was already scheduled to spend time with his grandparents that day. Now double bookings happen, and when discovered they involve a certain amount of groveling from the Absentee Guest and tolerant understanding from the Neglected Host (who may choose to use caution when issuing any future invitations), if the social relationship is to continue.

Ms. Lawrence, for whatever reason, chose instead of send an invoice for the cost of entertaining Young Master Nash to his parents. You will not be surprised to learn that Etiquetteer has a Big Problem with this, for a few reasons. First of all, how on earth is this going to affect the ongoing social relationship of Young Master Nash and the Unnamed Birthday Child? How embarrassing for both of them, especially since they will continue to have to see each other at school whether or not their friendship has survived this Social Mishap. For Heaven's sake, won't someone think of the children?!

Second, hospitality is supposed to be freely given, without expectation of reciprocity. Though recipients of hospitality are moved by Perfect Propriety to reciprocate, this should not be expected. For hospitality to be freely given, in this case, means accepting the expense of Absent Guests with Good Humor. Etiquetteer understands how frustrating it is spending money on guests who don't show up, but if one is not willing and able to suffer absentees more gracefully, one should not be entertaining socially. And to describe oneself as "out of pocket" suggests that one is Entertaining Beyond One's Means.

And lastly, for this to be paraded so publicly - well, Etiquetteer can see the entire community questioning Ms. Lawrence's judgement and ability to raise a child by behaving this way.

The Nash family, however, comes in for its share of disapproval, since it appears they didn't try to contact Ms. Lawrence before the party to say that Young Master Nash would be unable to attend.

Under the circumstances, it doesn't look like these families have any interest in Social Reconciliation, but if they do it will involve Lovely Notes of Contrition on both sides.

Long story short, don't make a scene.

Random Observations, Vol. 14, Issue 2

Etiquetteer has been reading Meryle Secrest's delightful Elsa Schiaparelli: A Biography, and was particularly arrested by two stories. The first, a real dinner party disaster, involved some new rubberized upholstery that had a lower-than-considered melting point. When the dinner guests, including Coco Chanel, rose from their chairs, the upholstery had made an impact on their clothes. Etiquetteer imagines all the host or hostess could do at that point was accept the dry cleaning bills and send a Lovely Bouquet of Contrition the next day. Have you a dinner party disaster in your past? Etiquetteer has a couple, but the scars are still too fresh.

The next interesting item concerned Schiap's great friend and collaborator Bettina Bergery, who apparently was known for stubbing out her cigarettes on women she felt were flirting too much with her husband. The book does not indicate how these ladies reacted, but Etiquetteer can only hope that the Rebuke was accepted without making more of a Scene than necessary. Other, less physically scarring, methods may be just as effective. Etiquetteer will never forget a costume ball about 15 years ago when a Lady Friend gave him the Eagle Eye and Hard Smile combination that invariably mean "Don't even think about touching my husband."

Wintertime in northern climates usually involves going out with two pairs of shoes: boots to manage the cold and snow, and regular shoes for indoor wear. Etiquetteer has seen increasingly, in homes where shoes are left at the door no matter what kind they are, guests bringing slippers to wear throughout the evening. Regardless, struggling into and out of shoes in someone's doorway in the Bleak Midwinter is never very graceful, and Etiquetteer must insist that hosts provide a chair or two nearby for the convenience of their guests. Once upon a time in the Stately Homes of Yore, an entire room off the entry was provided for this purpose. For the rest of us - Etiquetteer, for instance, lives in a "servantless household" with a narrow hallway immediately inside - having a chair as close as possible to the front door, or allocating a bedroom, is the best we can do.

Etiquetteer has certainly noticed in the last year the near disappearance of "Dear" from salutations everywhere, in both handwritten and electronic correspondence. Etiquetteer cannot let this stand, and must insist that it be included. Some will argue that its elimination is more efficient. Etiquetteer will counter that it is certainly less gracious, and we need some graciousness in our daily lives. Kindly attend to this at once.