Un-invitation, Vol. 14, Issue 1

Dear Etiquetteer: For a long time I've given a big party every year to celebrate something fun, but this year I've decided to do something different for myself that won't be a party. What's my obligation to tell people they won't be hearing from me as usual? It feels weird to tell people, but I also want to be thoughtful for folks to make other plans if they want to. What's the rule?

Dear Unhosting:

Your query brought to mind two things almost at once. The first was the voice of a Dear Friend, who delights repeating the old saw "When you assume, you make an ass of you and me" when Situations of This Sort arise. The other was Washington author and journalist Sally Quinn and her 1997 book The Party: A Guide to Adventurous Entertaining. Etiquetteer recalls La Quinn writing about her annual New Year's Eve party, but that also some years she and her husband Ben Bradlee would just go off to the country place instead and not host it. This led to some confusion from guests who, out of force of habit, just showed up at their dark town house and found nothing happening.

It's the responsibility of your guests not to assume there's a party if they haven't received an invitation. There is no social requirement to issue an un-invitation*, a term of Etiquetteer's invention that means "an announcement of an event that will not take place." That said, if you want to "control your own narrative" and ensure that people don't start creating Gossip, it makes sense to email your usual guest list to say that your plans have changed and that what they have come to expect will not, in fact, be on the calendar. Etiquetteer imagines that such an announcement would be helpful for those who travel.

*Etiquetteer was all set to call this an "unvitation," but that term has already been invented and defined by the cast of Seinfeld.

Suggested New Year's Resolutions, Vol. 13, Issue 63

"Fast away the Old Year passes," as the carol goes, and let Etiquetteer be the first to speed its passing! It's a time-honored custom to make resolutions to improve oneself in the New Year, usually with diet and exercise. Etiquetteer would like to suggest some resolutions to improve the Perfect Propriety of the nation:

  1. Resolve not to forward articles from satire news websites as though they were real news*. Etiquetteer is getting mighty tired of pieces from the Daily Currant, Empire News, the Borowitz Report over at the New Yorker, and the grandfather of them all, the Onion, being sent about with Righteous Outrage or Fierce Glee as the Gospel Truth, when they're just an elaborate joke. This concerns Etiquetteer most because of the damage it does to public figures. Public figures are already judged harshly enough - and deservedly - on what they have actually said. Let's not obscure the Truth with this patina of Satire any longer.
  2. Resolve to disconnect at the table. When you sit down to share a meal with a group of people, especially in a private home, you have a sacred obligation to to be fully present and contribute to the general merriment. It is not possible for you to do this if you're always glancing into your lap, and it is hurtful to your companions because you give the impression that you would rather be someplace else. Turn your device gently but firmly OFF before you get to the table, and don't make Etiquetteer come after you.
  3. Resolve to give a dinner party. These days the phrase "dinner party" sounds much more intimidating than it really is, which is having a total of four to 12 people around your table for an evening meal. Start with a maximum of four, which is easier to prepare for, and design a menu in which one course may be prepared a day or so ahead. The hospitality of the home is too little celebrated these days, but it remains a cornerstone of Perfect Propriety. Please join Etiquetteer in bringing it back.
  4. Resolve not to be so insistent about your diet when you're away from home. Etiquetteer suspects one reason for the decline of the dinner party is the ever-increasing number of people who insist on their food preferences wherever they go, as if they were more important that the spirit of Hospitality. No one has the right to expect their friends and relatives to be professional-grade chefs who can keep straight the infinite, and infinitely changing, diets of so many people all at once. The best illustration is what has happened to coffee service in the last 20 years. Once one only had to serve coffee, cream, and sugar. Now one must offer coffee, decaffeinated coffee, tea, cream, skim milk, 2% milk, soy milk, powdered creamer, sugar, at least three kinds of artificial sweetener, honey, and agave nectar just to keep everyone happy. This is ridiculous!** When someone invites you into their home, it doesn't make them a slave to your preferences. Be kind to your hosts and just say "No, thank you" if offered something you can't eat.***
  5. Resolve to correspond more by hand. Yes, Etiquetteer remains a devotée of the Lovely Note of Thanks, not only because it is more Perfectly Proper than any electronic communication, but also because it makes the recipient feel special. Also, in our Society of Increasing Surveillance, fewer eyes can intercept a handwritten letter than an email or text message. (And how sad it is that Etiquetteer even has to mention that.) Do it!
  6. Resolve to R.s.v.p. on time, honor your original response, and arrive on time. If someone invites you to something, whether it's in their home or not, they need time to prepare to entertain you. A prompt and definite response from you is essential to this. "I'll have to see how I feel" is never Perfectly Proper! And if someone has invited you to the theatre and you suddenly decide on the day that you can't go, your host is left scrambling to use your ticket. Cancelling is only Perfectly Proper in circumstances of death or illness, but professional crisis is becoming more accepted as a valid excuse. If you pull a Bunbury too often, you'll find that invitations come to you less frequently.
  7. Resolve not to monopolize reservations. Etiquetteer deplores the growing practice of making multiple restaurant reservations for the same time to keep one's options open depending on one's whim. This is not only rude to other diners, but fatal to the restaurant's bottom line. Stop it at once!

For tonight, of course Etiquetteer exhorts you to celebrate responsibly by not drinking to riotous excess and not drinking and driving - and by remembering a Lovely Note to your hosts.

Etiquetteer wishes you a Perfectly Proper New Year!

*Etiquetteer will provide an exemption from this on April Fool's Day.

**And please get off Etiquetteer's lawn, too!

***Of course those with fatal allergies need to be vigilant at all times, and wise hosts remember these and take them into account.

New Year's Eve, Vol. 1, Issue 29

This column was originally published December 30, 2002. The Old Year is about to pass from us, and Etiquetteer, chilling champagne and starching a shirtfront, feels compelled to share a few thoughts and instructions for New Year’s Eve, the most universal and accessible holiday of all.

Poor dear depressed Oscar Levant once said “Scratch the fake tinsel of Hollywood and you’ll find the real tinsel underneath.” Sadly, Etiquetteer knows many people who feel just that way about New Year’s Eve. A much-maligned occasion, many people dismiss it as a manufactured holiday meaning nothing and falsely glamorous. In a world that reveres Britney Spears, Abercrombie & Fitch, and game shows like “Russian Roulette,” Etiquetteer will take his glamour where he can find it, thank you very much!

Besides, New Year’s Eve is the one holiday that everyone on earth can celebrate together. All races, colors, creeds, and orientations use the same calendar to function in daily life, so why not bring us all together for a global occasion?! Etiquetteer thinks New Year’s Eve has the capacity to create world peace.

New York City has given the world the two most enduring versions of how New Year’s Eve is celebrated. While Guy Lombardo and his Royal Canadians syncopate in the ballroom of the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel for elegantly dressed and coiffed high society types swirling through a blaze of streamers, confetti, party hats and tiaras, the excitable masses squeeze themselves into Times Square, shrieking and waving at television cameras until the ball drops. Rowdiness is not unknown in either location -- Etiquetteer knows of one lady, now quite elderly, who lost her shoes one New Year’s Eve in Times Square, so compressed by the crowd was she -- and for many that enhances their enjoyment. Etiquetteer can only go figure.

But Etiquetteer will not hold you to the standard of Gotham, however glamorous it may be, to celebrate this Occasion. Make your own glamour in your own Perfectly Proper way! Whether you are gathered around the dinner table, concert stage, hot tub, pulpit, coffee maker, hookah, or piano, spend this holiday with people you care for deeply. More than all the tenacious gift-giving of Christmas, tonight is a night to remind the people you love how special they’ve been to you in the past year. Which, if you pay attention, is what the lyrics of “Auld Lang Syne” are all about. That’s why it’s sung at midnight.

And you had best stay up until midnight to sing it! Etiquetteer doesn’t care if you go to bed at exactly 12:00:30, but the point of New Year’s Eve is participating at the exact second the Old Year passes. Ringing in the New Year at 7:00 PM just because it's midnight somewhere in the world doesn't cut it; if it's not midnight where you are, it just isn't midnight.

And please, dress appropriately. If you're cavorting with the rabble in Times Square, combat gear will protect your person from the weather and God knows what else. Otherwise, believe it or not, black tie is not required - check with your hostess first.

That said, Etiquetteer dearly wants you to break out a tiara for the evening whatever you’re wearing (even if it’s nothing at all in the hot tub). “I do not pretend to understand,” says Uncle Paxton in Clemence Dane’s delightful novel The Flower Girls, “why tiaras should make so much difference to my enjoyment of the evening, but they did. Certain objects are romantic on their own account. A tiara is one of them.” Whether you rush to the vault for the diamonds or the drugstore for the foil-coated cardboard, tonight is the night for this un-American but oh-so-much-fun accessory.

And now, should auld acquaintance be forgot, Etiquetteer fondly and sincerely wishes you a New Year of Peace, Prosperity, and Perfect Propriety.

Man-spreading *shudder*, Vol. 13, Issue 61

A reader has encouraged Etiquetteer to speak out on the issue of men sprawling beyond the limits of their seats on public transporation, which has been given the Vulgar Appellation of "man-spreading." Indeed, this issue has become such a Menace to Public Decency that the MTA has inaugurated a campaign to curb it. A gentleman does not take up someone else's space. And that should be quite sufficient.

Really, Etiquetteer compares this Ostentatious Behavior to blaring one's car radio (or do we have to call it "sound system" now?) outside the limits of one's car, or revving one's motor to call attention.

In short, Etiquetteer considers Excessive Sprawl advertising one's shortcomings.

What a Lady Wears: Tiaras in the Workplace, Vol. 13, Issue 60

Last week Etiquetteer and That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much had a bit of a disagreement about ladies wearing tiaras in the workplace. That Mr. Dimmick, of course, thinks it’s outrageous and Improper to wear a tiara in the workplace and that it’s the result of the Disney Princess culture. Lorelei Lee was always looking for new places to wear diamonds, but the office wasn't one of them. Etiquetteer is ambivalent, since hair ornaments have a more varied history, but of course would rather see these ladies turn their attention to Perfectly Proper kid gloves and Mainbocher two-piece suits. Or even Hillary Clinton's "velvet arc of control" from the 1992 presidential campaign, which has the advantage of not glittering before 5:00 PM. Since neither Etiquetteer nor That Mr. Dimmick is a Powerful Woman in the Workplace, Etiquetteer turned to a genuine Powerful Woman in the Workplace, Christina Wallace, Founding Director of BridgeUp: STEM, who had this to say:

"I can see your point that an actual tiara in the workplace is entirely inappropriate and juvenile, but the photographs in the New York Times piece (ignoring Lady Gaga and the Kardashian, as I tend to do in general*) show not a crown but simply a jeweled headband, which I find polished and lovely. I actually agree with some of the women quoted that the jeweled headband (or diadem as one woman referred to it) increases the sophistication of a ponytail or bun. So while there is likely a fine line between appropriate and over-the-top (I would refrain from wearing anything that could double as a wedding-day headpiece), I think jeweled headpieces are welcome in the boardroom. Just don't call them a tiara (indeed, I might venture that labeling a headband a "tiara" is bordering on sexism)."

With this endorsement of the practice, Etiquetteer will now set down some ground rules:

  • Your Daytime Diadem should not detract from you. Come evaluation time, you'll be judged on how well you met your goals, not how much Faceted Radiance you shed in the board room. As Auntie Mame famously said to Agnes Gooch about an evening dress, "You're supposed to dominate it!" And while we really shouldn't be looking to the movies for etiquette advice, Etiquetteer can't help remembering David Brian advising Joan Crawford in The Damned Don't Cry, "A beautiful woman never wears anything that detracts attention from her face."
  • Your Daytime Diadem should not increase your height appreciably.
  • Your Daytime Diadem should not look like you could wear it to the senior prom.
  • Your every hair should be in place and not blowing about all tangled and casual. This kind of jewelry is only going to attract more attention to your head, so there will be more opportunity for co-workers to notice Tonsorial Neglect or Error.

Now, let's all get back to work!

Issue 60 of Volume 13 of Etiquetteer marks a milestone, the largest number of columns published yet in a single volume. Thank you, readers!

*Etiquetteer adds: As all Perfectly Proper People should.

What a Lady Wears to a Ball, Vol. 13, Issue 59

Dear Etiquetteer: I have been invited to attend the Governor's Inaugural Ball in January, a black tie event. My escort is an older widowed gentleman who is a member of the Ancient and Honorable Artillery Company (and will be part of the inauguration). I'm a woman of a certain older age and have never been asked to such a thing before! Can you advise me, in a general way, what to wear? I'm a nervous wreck!

Dear Invited:

What an honor to be invited to such an august occasion! While this may be a novel experience for you, ladies have been agonizing about what to wear for millennia, and what you see as a predicament will actually be a lot of fun.

A black-tie ball calls for a long gown with matching shoes. This may be why so many ladies choose black, which Etiquetteer finds rather overdone. But it is said that plain satin shoes may be dyed to match; Etiquetteer encourages you to inquire at your local shoe store. A ball is also a wonderful excuse to bring out any real jewelry you have. Diamonds are a girl's best friend, as the song goes, and a girl should be able to give her friends a good time every once in awhile.

Regardless of your politics, Conservative Good Taste should guide you in your selection of gown. Don't go to extremes. In other words, don't let your decolletage plunge too low, nor your hemline too high, nor your sparkle too blinding. This is even more important since you identify yourself as Woman of a Certain Age, and it is more Perfectly Proper to present oneself with dignity and style rather than boldness and fads. Because this is your first ball and you want to attract attention for the right reasons - which means blending in, not standing out - Etiquetteer would suggest that you stay away from gowns with hoops or enormous puffy petticoats.

While not as popular in America as they ought to be, Etiquetteer encourages you to consider Perfectly Proper white gloves to wear with your gown. You'll find a link to a glover on Etiquetteer's links page.

Holiday Gift Giving, Vol. 1, Issue 25

This was originally published on November 23, 2002. Dear Etiquetteer:

My older brother is deeply in debt. I don't see him very often because he lives in another state and we've never been very close. Is there any polite way I can let him know that in lieu of buying and mailing me a gift and getting more into debt, I'd prefer that he redirect that money toward paying off his debts? Personally, I'm not into gift giving and would prefer to make a donation to a charity in his honor or do community service.

This ties in with another gift-related question. My parents have retired and I know that their retirement income took a hit due to the stock market. In the past we'd talked about reducing the amount of family gift giving, and I'd like to broach the subject again. Any suggestions?

Dear Gifted and Astute:

Etiquetteer thanks you for raising this sensitive issue, with which so many well-meaning people wrestle in their attempts to alleviate the spending of others. Christmas has become so heavily identified with the exchange of gifts that many remain blind to the True Spirit of Christmas, the expression of Love.

It is never good manners to tell people how to spend money on you, so you’re skating on thin ice to tell your brother how to spend money on himself. Has he made it a practice to send you a gift each year? While you may not consider yourselves close, he could feel stung were you to announce that you’d prefer not to continue the one annual ritual that reinforces your connection.

Etiquetteer rarely recommends candor but believes you must be completely honest with your brother. Not about his debts, but about your aversion to holiday giving. This is more than Lovely Note material; a Lovely Letter is in order. Write and say as beautifully as you can that you’ve reached a stage in life where tangible things mean far less to you than people, including him. Recall for him in your letter particular memories of childhood (good ones, please), and express the wish that he do the same for you this Christmas. If he is as in debt as you suggest, Etiquetteer thinks he will leap at the chance to avoid getting you another gift certificate.

The formula changes only slightly with your parents, since you’ve discussed it before. Write or telephone “Mamma dear, remember once we talked about not putting so many things under the Christmas tree? Let’s do that this year and just give each other one little present apiece instead of a galaxy of gifts.” Don’t allude to their reduced income; fixing on your own disinclination to exchange presents will spare them embarrassment.

Etiquetteer is delighted to see your interest in charity and volunteer service, but urges you not to fall into the self-satisfying delusion that these activities will be considered gifts by the persons to whom you designate them.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I have problems about money gifts. First, the gift of money to friends and family. Unless one is in dire straits or the group is combining resources for an expensive item not suitable for shipping, sending money is like paying a bill: One writes a check to the credit card company, a check to the electric company, and a check to Georgie. And Happy Holiday.

Worse are the parents who say their teenager wants nothing less than a car so please send him/her money. These are also the parents to teach them that an endorsement on a check is a thank-you note.

Next, the custom of the Christmas List. First, it's tots who write to Santa. Sweet, cute, adorable, okay. Secondly, adults who make lists of stuff they want people to give them. I consider this the ultimate of tacky but to give that person something you know in advance they don't want . . . ugh!

Dear Exasperated:

Etiquetteer shares your preference for not giving gifts of money, your aversion to parents blind to all but the knowledge that they can’t afford a car for Junior, and your observation that adults have no business circulating their own gift lists unbidden. What if someone sent around a list of things one wanted and nobody was planning to get one a gift anyway?! One then looks like a greedy fool -- or a rapacious bride. To maintain a wish list at, say, amazon.com for one’s own reference is Perfectly Proper. It’s quite another thing to send everyone one knows a link to it.

That said, intentionally giving someone something one already knows is unwelcome -- the classic example is the fur coat to the vegetarian -- would certainly affront them. If you are approaching the holiday season with that sort of fierce-hot malice, Etiquetteer invites you to look deep into your heart (are you looking?) and to remember that Christmas is a time for healing, not hurting. If you cannot plan a present for someone in a spirit of Love, then perhaps you had better not give any presents at all. Use your shopping time to sit quietly and reflect on What and Who is Important to You, and Why. When you’ve figured it out, then you will be ready to give in a Perfectly Proper Spirit.

All this talk about the True Spirit of Giving forces Etiquetteer to recall that Christmas Custom to Create Camaraderie, the Secret Santa. For those not initiated in this Joyous Holiday Ritual, it involves everyone in an office or dormitory drawing names from a hat. (Does anyone really still wear a hat?) One then goes about preparing secret gifts and surprises on a periodic basis for the person whose name one drew to generate holiday excitement. Everyone’s Secret Santa is revealed at a holiday party just before Christmas or after Finals.

It has been Etiquetteer’s misfortune in these Exercises in Enforced Gaiety to draw either a complete stranger or sworn enemy. After a giftless two weeks, Etiquetteer always receives the apologies of the one person in the group who was too busy, lazy, or forgetful to bother to do a *@#! thing. Merry Christmas!

But Etiquetteer will never forget the exquisitely wrapped box left on his office chair by his last Secret Santa. Opening it with excitement in the presence of colleagues who “just happened” to be there, Etiquetteer burrowed through layers and layers of red and green tissue to find a carefully chosen lump of coal.

Since then, the Scrooge & Marley sign has remained firmly on Etiquetteer’s office door, but Etiquetteer is always more than ready to quaff a Beverage of Festivity at the Office Party.

Grieving Online, Vol. 13, Issue 58

Dear Etiquetteer: Recently a friend of mine passed away unexpectedly at a young age (under 50). You can imagine people’s shock and distress and sorrow. What are the rules for posting about one’s grief over the passing of a loved one in the era of social media? It seems that letting the family announce the death first on social media would be important. Also, it seems that many people had to outdo each other with stories of how horrible it was to them that this person passed away. Also there were speculations and rumors about the cause of death and all sorts of gossip out in the public. What advice could Etiquetteer provide?

Dear Bereaved:

First, let Etiquetteer offer condolences on the death of your friend. It's expected that the death of a friend, regardless of age or circumstances, will bring up many memories along with feelings of sadness - indeed, many emotions. And it's understandable that the bereaved will be drawn closer to others who knew the deceased to grieve together. But how we express ourselves in person doesn't always translate the same way online, especially when grieving.

The ways we communicate in the 21st century haven't necessarily adapted well to Perfect Propriety. For instance, social media now creates a public (or at least highly visible) record of information that used to be shared by whispering behind one's fan or privately in a letter to only one person. (Do you remember letters? While Etiquetteer does enjoy the convenience of email, the intimacy of letters is missed. Etiquetteer misses them even more than he misses fans for those gossiping old biddies . . . um, Great Ladies.)

It is understandable that people want to share their grief, but many don't always understand that respecting the feelings of others, especially the family, is even more important. It's necessarily thoughtful to wait until the family has made a death announcement before sharing the news (and one's reactions to it) oneself online. Imagine learning about the death of your son or daughter from Facebook! Etiquetteer would like to see everyone spared this sort of shock. One complication is that the family can't always be assumed to be using the same social media. Before expressing one's grief publicly in a social media post, it's best to confirm the news with the family or someone closer to the family than oneself.

Freedom of Speech is the most valuable American freedom, and as such, it needs to be used responsibly. Etiquetteer deplores the Grief Sweepstakes you describe - "I'm the most grief-stricken!" "No, I'M the most grief-stricken!" - which is the mark of a Vulgar Exhibitionist. While not wishing to pooh-pooh anyone's grief at the death of a friend or family member, Etiquetteer must gently remind everyone that it's the deceased that is the proper focus of attention, not one's own emotions at the death of the deceased.

Etiquetteer would vastly prefer to see dialogue about the deceased focus on personal acts of kindness and happy memories rather than (most vulgar of all) speculation on the cause of death. Nothing that might damage the reputation of the deceased should be shared so publicly, online or in person. Etiquetteer still hasn't forgotten attending a small funeral several years ago during which one of the mourners shared many Jolly Recollections of illegal activities committed by the deceased.

In short, "Least said, soonest mended" is the best advice. And don't let the immediacy of the Internet keep you from writing a Lovely Note of Condolence by hand and mailing it to the family.

Would you rather Etiquetteer discuss something more pleasant during the holiday season? It's up to you! Send Etiquetteer a query at <queries> at etiquetteer.com.

Urinal Etiquette, Vol. 13, Issue 57

Dear Etiquetteer: The men's room in my office was designed with too few urinals, which means sometimes having to use a stall instead. I'd rather use a urinal than a stall, but standing around in the men's room waiting for a vacancy feels awkward, and I also worry about making "active users" uncomfortable when they realize that someone is waiting for them to finish? What do you recommend?

Dear Waiting:

Etiquetteer has never found a public restroom a place to linger, and indeed, Those Who Linger are often looked on with suspicion. And one doesn't want to be looked on with suspicion in the workplace. If you simply cannot bring yourself to use a stall, it's probably best to leave and return in a couple minutes.

If you do decide to use a stall, please close the door. It doesn't matter if you're using the stall standing up, stall doors were made to be closed.

Etiquetteer at Random, Vol. 13, Issue 56

Inspired by an interview with Bill Nye the Science Guy, today Etiquetteer divulges a little about himself: My uniform: A crisply-pressed double-breasted suit, white shirt with French cuffs, a bright bow tie, polished leather shoes (wingtips unless traveling, then slip-ons). That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much is rather fond of garishly bright socks. I have to remonstrate with him constantly about it.

One thing that few people understand about etiquette is: that it's less about accessories (place cards, etc.) and more about the impact you have on other people, how respect for others - or at least acknowledgement of our common humanity - is displayed. On the other hand, one shows respect for others by taking the trouble to appear well dressed, which some would say is all about accessories.

The most overrated etiquette trend is: the phonestack. It maintains the focus on the phone, and not on the group or its conversation. Everyone needs to power down and enjoy each other's company without distraction from outside.

I stay in shape by: that's a dangerous assumption to make. I don't stay in shape.

One of my favorite gadgets is: A card case with two compartments that I got in New York for $12 at some little shop. I use one compartment for my cards, and the other for those I receive.

My preferred mode of transportation is: Any car someone else is driving!

My drink of choice is: during the summer, an Etiquetteer pink gin. Otherwise, a Charlie's Beacon, as will be served at Repeal Day. During the holidays, champagne with a bit of something like Aperol or St. Germain or Chambord added.

My most recent obsession is: Eric Helgar, a Polish singer of the interwar years.

One book everyone must read is: The Art of Worldly Wisdom, by Baltasar Gracian.

The world would not be the same without: air conditioning and refrigeration.

An etiquette rule that amazes me is: how it's all right for certain professional classes - doctors, politicians, and the clergy come to mind - to address everyone else by their first names, while we all need to address them by their titles. It can, and often does, appear condescending, especially when politicians do it. I would much rather see everyone addressed by their titles since we live in a Land where All are Created Equal.

One thing everyone should do more of is: reconsider how much stuff you carry around on your commute and eliminate everything you don't use that day. I've stopped toting a bag every day and it makes a great difference.

Another thing everyone should do more of is: enjoy a meal at home by candlelight, even if it's a pre-dawn winter breakfast.

The best toy for a child is: Hmm, what is a toy that will instill Perfect Propriety? And of course different children react differently to all toys. Rather than mention a specific toy, I'll say that the best toy for a child is something simple that doesn't throw everything at them, that allows them, encourages them to use their imaginations.

My favorite kitchen gadget is: Most people will expect me to say "the cook," but I live in what used to be called a "servantless household." The best answer is probably a garishly decorated stopper for a wine bottle.

My favorite pastime is: reading.

Another book everyone must read is: Entertaining Is Fun! by Dorothy Draper. This book captures the joie de vivre of the suburban postwar years, as well as a look at how etiquette was changing. Formal seated dinners were giving way to buffets, but Americans weren't yet ready to give up on black tie for evening events. And there are some frankly far-fetched, but nonetheless delightful, ideas for having a party at home.

What a Gentleman Does, Vol. 13, Issue 55

It takes courage to own up to a mistake, especially one that has had a negative impact on others, and very especially one that has exploded on social media to mark one a Very Bad Person. But that's what a gentleman is, someone who has the courage to admit a mistake and to do what's possible to make up for it. So Etiquetteer has to salute Jeff Conklin, the resident of the South End of Boston who parked his BMW next to a fire hydrant last week, rendering it useless in fighting a house fire. Unlike the generally accepted stereotype of BMW owners as simply not caring about the consequences to others of their actions, Mr. Conklin has taken the trouble to visit the neighborhood firehouse to apologize personally to the firefighters whose essential work was jeopardized. Etiquetteer can only imagine the strength of character that took, and can only express admiration.

Boston Globe columnist Yvonne Abraham writes "The social media that connect us also make it distressingly easy to be vicious. Emboldened by anonymity, we pounce on people, convicting them with scant evidence." Mr. Conklin may now have to find within himself the strength to forgive hundreds of complete strangers who convicted, tarred, and feathered him before. And you may be sure that Etiquetteer shared that column with That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, well known for his bitter tongue on many subjects.

In short, Mr. Conklin, through a grievous error, has proved what a gentleman he really is through his response to it - and many others have proved what ladies and gentlemen they are not.

Table Manners: Bread and Oil, Vol. 13, Issue 54

Dear Etiquetteer: I've recently been to two restaurants where they brought out bread and put a small dish of olive oil on the table. In less posh restaurants, they put out a bottle and you can pour some oil on your bread plate.  But what does one do with the small dish?  Does one dip into the dish (thereby risking that someone will "double dip," or does one pour some on one's bread dish, which invariably leads to some oil spilling down the side of the serving dish and onto the table cloth?

Or does one just ask for butter?

Dear Oiled:

Few things at the table provide as much pleasure as a warm, yielding, and delicious piece of focaccia bread almost saturated with olive oil . . . except, perhaps, a warm, yielding, and delicious dinner partner saturated with je ne sais quoi.*

Oddly enough, the rules for bread and olive oil are nearly identical to those for bread and butter. When the table is supplied with one dish of olive oil, one breaks off a bite-sized bit of bread at a time to swipe through the oil, just as one breaks off one bite-sized bit of roll to butter at a time. Double dipping is never Perfectly Proper, whether from butter dish or saucer of oil. But Etiquetteer does recognize the greater margin for error with oil, since there's the temptation to treat it like dip. Incidentally, double dipping is also not Perfectly Proper with dip.

The key here - and many forget this - is that one does not butter the entire piece of bread at once, nor does one soak one's entire slab of focaccia at once, as though it were a sponge.

Pouring oil from a small dish, usually a saucer or bread plate, into your own receptacle runs too much risk for stains, and also looks awkward. If you must, ask the waiter for your own. Asking for butter when you've been served oil is really only asking for trouble.

*No, that is not the latest scent from Chanel.

Etiquetteer's Advice to 21st Century Brides, Vol. 13, Issue 53

Dear Etiquetteer: My beloved eldest niece - she who resembles me more than either of her parents - is getting married almost a year from now. So far she has save-the-date cards ordered, but as her mother had an awful upbringing in terms of manners, expectations, etc., I know she will not be able guide the bride-to-be. What are some of the pitfalls of which a bride-to-be should be wary in 2014-2015?

Dear Aunt Bridey:

A Young Woman approaching the altar has many pitfalls to avoid, including many within herself. The saddest and most obvious is the delusion that one's wedding is just as important to everyone else in the entire world as it is to oneself. The next is that everyone in the entire world is going to spend every cent they have gratifying her every whim; this is what Etiquetteer calls the Gaping Maw of Bridal Need. Etiquetteer hates to disillusion these women (actually, that's not true; Etiquetteer is fiercely eager to shred their Veils of Deliberate Illusion), but even one's fiancé is not likely as interested in the wedding as the bride. In fact, no one cares about the bride. They care about the bride caring about them. Surprise them all, and make your wedding guests the focus of your wedding!

Etiquetteer has some ideas about Brides Today and Perfect Propriety. Dear Bride:

  1. Be a giver, not a perpetual taker. No one likes satisfying the Gaping Maw of Bridal Need. No one owes you the wedding of your dreams.
  2. Ask yourself if this is really about you and your mother and/or mother-in-law fighting to see who can come out on top.
  3. Ask yourself if you want a perfect wedding, or if you really just want to boss people around. Be honest. If the latter, get the ladder and elope.
  4. Think carefully about the experience your wedding guests are going to have and make absolutely sure that your wedding will be a party they'll remember for the right reasons.
  5. Make the conscious decision that you're going to have a good time with all these people, not have an anxious time trying to avoid them so you can be with your fiancé/husband. After all, you'll have him for the rest of your life!
  6. It's a wedding, not a chorus line. Choose the number of friends you want for bridal attendants, not vice versa. An even number of attendants is not necessary - good heavens, attendants themselves are not necessary! (And you'd be surprised how many of your friends will secretly thank you for sparing them the burden.)
  7. Don't be so selfish that you force your attendants to buy hideous dresses they'll never wear again.
  8. Don't skimp on a gift for each of your attendants, and don't let your fiancé skimp either. They're your friends after all, yes?
  9. Consider skipping the vulgarity of a bachelorette trip to Las Vegas and instead hosting a traditional bridesmaids luncheon the week before the wedding.
  10. Expect to have a tantrum, and expect to apologize afterward for it.
  11. Under no circumstances should you plan to do anything on the day of the wedding but be the bride. This means no assembly of rice bags or souvenirs or table centerpieces, no cooking, no nothing.
  12. Do not publicize information about your bridal registry until people ask, and then send it to them privately. NEVER include registry information on a save-the-date card or invitation. People do still want to believe that they've been invited for the Pleasure of their Company, and not for the Generosity of their Purses.
  13. Lay in some good stationery now and send your Lovely Notes of thanks as gifts are received. You may NOT wait until after the honeymoon, and you certainly are NOT given until the first anniversary to send these.
  14. Keep it simple. The budget for ostentatious little touches might be better spent on upgrading the food.
  15. Most important, plan to speak to every wedding guest personally to thank them for attending. They have taken a lot of time, trouble, and treasure to celebrate with you, and they expect to get to speak with you. They deserve your attention. Etiquetteer, of course, remains devoted to the idea of a receiving line - while recognizing that they are routinely abused by wedding guests (not always elderly ladies) who expect to have long detailed conversations with the Happy Couple. Another solution is to circulate among the tables during the wedding banquet.

Now, Aunt Bridey, Etiquetteer feels the need to advise you not to insinuate yourself too aggressively into the plans for your niece's wedding. If you and she are so truly alike and already have a strong relationship, Etiquetteer predicts that she will reach out to you to be engaged in some way in the planning. But it would not be Perfectly Proper to usurp the place of the mother of the bride, regardless of how accurate your assessment of her abilities is. You have a beautiful opportunity to set a good example by hosting a meal in honor of the Happy Couple's engagement for your own set of guests, with all the proper accoutrements. But let Etiquetteer be clear that this should not take place later than three months before the wedding, and it is certainly not a bridal shower. Things get busy enough the closer one gets to the Big Day.

Etiquetteer wishes joy to the Happy Couple, and peace to all involved!

Table Manners: "You just put your lips together and . . . or don't you?" Vol. 13, Issue 52

Dear Etiquetteer: At a brunch, is it improper when out at a restaurant or such to blow on your food to cool it?

Dear Brunched:

Reading your query, Etiquetteer was reminded first that the reason Chinese teacups have no handles is because, if the cup is too hot to pick up, the tea is too hot to drink. So a certain amount of Restraint is involved is consuming hot food. It's what separates us from the animals.

It's generally accepted that blowing on hot food to cool it is less than Perfectly Proper. Cutting small bites of solid food allows it to cool faster. Not filling your soup spoon all the way, Etiquetteer considers, would act on the same principle.

What's worse than blowing on one's food, in a private home, restaurant, "or such," is calling attention to someone else's doing so. Few topics of discussion are as tedious at the table as table manners, not least because it promotes performance anxiety, which detracts from the real purposes of a shared meal, Camaraderie and Conversation. And yet there are those, doubtless plagued by little Imps of Satan, who are eager to point out each and every mistake that someone makes, either because they think it's funny, or deliberately to make trouble. Etiquetteer needs them to stop it at once.

Etiquetteer will conclude by sharing that the late Emily Post took vigorous exception to the word "brunch," describing it as "that singled-headed double-bodied deformity of language." Mrs. Post vastly preferred "breakfast," because it "has a break-of-day friendliness that brings to mind every degree of hospitality from country breakfasts to hunt-meets and weddings. 'Brunch' suggests 'standees' at a lunch counter but not the beauty of hospitable living."* To which Etiquetteer, who has attended many lovely and hospitable brunches, can only respond Autre temps, autre moeurs.

* From Etiquette, by Emily Post, page 497, copyright 1937. Used without permission.

You're Cordially Invited to Celebrate Repeal!

Etiquetteer is delighted to be hosting for the third year the Repeal Day Celebration at the Gibson House Museum in Boston, on Wednesday, December 3, from 6:30 - 8:30 PM. Sponsored by Ryan and Wood Distilleries, famous for their "bright and flexible" Knockabout Gin, and with a bar staffed by Ladies United for the Preservation of Endangered Cocktails, this year Etiquetteer and the Gibson House are delighted to welcome Boston author Stephanie Schorow, who will share some entertaining passages from her book Drinking Boston: A History of the City and its Spirits.

Space is limited, so please do reserve your tickets ($125 patron; $200 sponsor) by contacting the Gibson House at info@thegibsonhouse.org. Sponsors will receive a personally autographed copy of Drinking Boston.

If you enjoy drinking gin in historic homes with convivial company, and all in a state of Perfect Propriety, this is not a night to miss! Etiquetteer looks forward to greeting you.

A Perfectly Proper Announcement, Vol. 13, Issue 51

Etiquetteer nodded with approval over the announcement today of actor Benedict Cumberbatch's engagement to director Sophie Hunter. The traditional method of printing a notice in The Times could not be more Perfectly Proper, as it eliminates all the unnecessary vaporings about True Love. Announcement of an engagement in itself illustrates the depths of one's emotion to one's Beloved; no further explanation is necessary . . . nor is a link to a gift registry. Couples without Celebrity Status should consider this as an example of how Restraint illustrates Good Taste. Etiquetteer wishes the Happy Couple long life and Happiness!

Table Manners: Soup Neck, Vol. 13, Issue 50

Recently Etiquetteer had the pleasure of dining at Gurmansky Grob, in a suburb of Bratislava, Slovakia, a home restaurant renowned for its preparation of duck. And indeed, it's worth traveling to Slovakia to enjoy it! Their excellent dinner included enormous tureens of soup, which contained duck necks. Now, the neck of just about any bird is the most difficult part of a bird to eat with Perfect Propriety. They're often more trouble than they're worth, and consuming a neck in a bowl of soup seemed just about impossible, if not unthinkable.

Etiquetteer's hostess taught the assembly how to do so the Slovakian way. Use the spoon in your right hand to lift the neck to your mouth. Then, keeping the neck in or just above the bowl of the spoon grasp one end of the neck with your left hand and nibble away. It is important to perform this operation over the soup bowl, in case there should be any inadvertent dripping. Etiquetteer should not have to point out that this sort of operation doesn't belong at a formal dinner, but this knowledge may come in handy the next time you encounter a hearty, rustic menu.

How to Eat an Amuse Bouche, Vol. 13, Issue 49

Not long ago Etiquetteer was dining alone in a hotel restaurant when the waiter served an amuse bouche as a surprise. For those unaware of this rather precious course, an amuse bouche is a single, infinitesimally small and artfully arranged hors d'oeuvres served as a surprise and designed to make a diner even hungrier for the dinner that was actually ordered. Here is the amuse bouche that Etiquetteer was served:

You'll observe that this bitlet of vegetable napoleon was served impaled on a toothpick and with its own fork. And therein lies the Conundrum of Table Manners: Which Utensil is Most Perfectly Proper?  Does one grasp the toothpick by the top and take the bitlet off it at one bite, as one would if it was served at a cocktail party? Or does one remove the toothpick and use the fork, either taking each layer individually, or all at once?

Etiquetteer chose the former method, the toothpick, as being simplest and least likely to attract Unwelcome Attention, because the most Perfectly Proper table manners never call attention to themselves. The amuse bouche, however, calls too much attention to itself, and Etiquetteer would happily consign it to History. The Ostentatious Eighties are over!