Intrusive Fragrances and Other Matters, Vol. 4, Issue 39

Dear Etiquetteer:How does one, if one does, tell a friend who's a Radical Faerie, back-to-nature type, that their not using antiperspirant or mouthwash as a matter of principle leads to their often not smelling their best? How does one tell a friend who does too much marijuana that their getting stoned leads to their exhibiting unpredictable, unpleasant behavior, and that one would rather they did not get stoned around one? Dear Affronted: Well, you can bet that Dorothy Parker never had to deal with situations like these.Why does one have such friends in the first place? By this Etiquetteer does not mean pagans, rustics, or those willing to act on principle, but those who exhibit antisocial behavior. Etiquetteer doesn’t really care how people do it, but everyone is responsible for managing their own personal odor. Deity of Your Choice above, hasn’t this person even heard of patchouli oil?!This is a tough one, and no mistake. Aside from holding a conversation with a handkerchief over your nose and mouth – "I’m sorry, but it smells like they must be burning leaves at the bottom of the garden, or a skunk, or maybe the toilet backed up again, etc."" – Etiquetteer is at a loss. This is exactly the sort of person who should be given heavily scented soaps on all holidays. As for your spleef-toking friend, you communicate your displeasure by leaving the instant he or she lights up a joint. If this behavior takes place in your own home, you have an obligation to yourself to insist that he or she snuff it. Many don’t believe it, but both these situations can be handled politely. In the first case, plead headache, as in "Oh, I’m sorry I have to go, but the pot fumes give me a migraine." In the second, simply remind the pothead that smoking isn’t permitted in your home.

Dear Etiquetteer: Is it appropriate to engage a well-known politician regarding his (to me) odious policies when he is attending a wedding as a guest?Specifically, should I find myself at a wedding at which Mitt Romney is present, may I approach him, politely, and inform him that I am one voter who strongly opposes his policies toward gays? That is, his support for the odious attempt to amend the Massachusetts constitution to overturn the court's requirement to extend marriage rights to gay men and women? And I should mention that this is a straight wedding, between previously divorced bride and groom. Dear Wedding Guest: Oddly enough, your letter irresistibly reminded Etiquetteer of the late Merle Oberon as she appeared in The Scarlet Pimpernel, saying to the Prince of Wales "Ah, but even a goddess must have moments when she is just a plain woman." (Really, Etiquetteer doesn’t know why don’t run out and rent this movie at once.) Which is to say that it’s highly unlikely that the governor is attending in the official of role of governor, but merely as a private person who is a friend of the Happy Couple. As odious as you find the governor’s policies to be, Etiquetteer would encourage you to respect your hosts and the occasion by not raising the issue. Should you be introduced to the governor, you might always write a Letter of Outrage and send it along to his office the next day. Now, if you end up chatting with the governor and he raises the topic himself, well, it’s open season and he deserves what he gets.

Dear Etiquetteer:Is there any appropriate way to ask a person of multicultural/bi-racial background what their ancestry is about, without seeming prying, overly curious, or, worst of all, somehow racist?Dear Prying and Overly Curious But Probably Not Somehow Racist:No, so mind your own business.

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Reader Response, Vol. 4, Issue 38

After Etiquetteer’s column on personal solicitation two weeks ago, some readers responded with thoughtful solutions: Dear Etiquetteer: I have a budget for charitable donations and part of it is to support my friends in their choices. Some friends agree that they do not want more stuff (two days of being hosts of a yard sale convinced them) and so I make donations in their honor to charities I know they support. I give money to a local university to help students perform public service, and to the charity that any friend or acquaintance supports through marathons, bikeathons, etc. I find that being able to thank my coworkers, friends and acquaintances for the opportunity is a much better solution than having to decline gracefully. Etiquetteer responds: Your generosity and prudence are to be commended. Etiquetteer has noticed for years that knowing one’s friend’s likes and dislikes goes far in selecting gifts. You are to be commended for observing that some of your friends actually prefer what might be called a non-gift and acting accordingly. Dear Etiquetteer: I have some standard responses memorized for those seeking money for causes:
  • UNKNOWN TELEPHONE CALLLERS: As this is no doubt a telemarketing firm, offer nothing more than a curt interruption of "I do not respond to telephone solicitations. Please add this number to your Do Not Call List. Goodbye."
  • PEOPLE WHO HAVE FOUND YOU AN EASY TOUCH: "My financial advisor has put me on a strict budget since the market has gone down. At the first of the year, he allows a certain amount that I must not go over; and right now, that amount is spent. I hope you'll call me when times are better."
  • FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO HINT FOR MONEY: Go overboard in agreeing with them about how difficult "things" have become. For example, one person might hear your thoughts on the utility bills: "Isn't it awful? How do they expect those of us in reduced circumstances to pay all that? I, myself, have been thinking of calling the Relief Agency and asking for help." You might end with ... "I hope you haven't had to cut your pledge to the Church, but of course that's between you and God."

If you remember that nobody likes to be grouped with the indigents, it's easy to respond. As for the dolt who puts linen napkins in dirty plates, there's no need to be polite. Unless this idiot is blind and cannot see what other guests are doing with their napkins, simply watch Cousin Zebulon and when he starts his act, speak in a loud voice, "Cousin Zebulon! Please don't do that! I have to wash that napkin." There is absolutely no need to spare the feelings of people like Zebulon if he has had the opportunity to learn better.Etiquetteer responds: Etiquetteer could not agree more with the way you nip solicitations in the bud, but must remind you of the age-old dictum that a guest can do no wrong. Publicly humiliating one's errant cousin at the dinner table -- tempting though it seems! -- would embarrass everyone there, not just Zebulon himself. Etiquetteer continues to believe that finding a quiet way to keep him from soiling the linens unnecessarily remains the best way.

EXAMPLES FROM THE DAILY LIFE OF ETIQUETTEERFrom the Department of Shut Up and Eat, Etiquetteer lashes out at two old men who darn near ruined a beautiful dinner dance the other night. Guests ordered tickets and indicated their meal choices six weeks in advance for this private club event. Many, Etiquetteer included, selected "Filet Mignon with Bearnaise Sauce." You wouldn’t think this would be a problem, would you? As Etiquetteer’s table was being served (ladies first, in Perfect Propriety) some faces began to fall. Murmurs of concern were exchanged between couples. "It isn’t rare," Etiquetteer heard one lady tell her husband. This did not prepare Etiquetteer for the vehemence of this man’s response when the waitress came to serve him. Before his plate even touched the table he boomed at her "I want RARE!" Didn’t his poor sainted mother ever teach him to say "please"?The poor waitress fled like a startled rabbit in the face of that, but worse was to come. Another poisonous octogenarian loudly declared "I want rare without the sauce!" as soon as a waitress came within earshot. When a sauceless filet was produced he cut into it and then vigorously protested that it was not rare. Later still, when the waitress returned with the last steak available and the information that the kitchen never cooked meat rare, the diatribe REALLY began, cowing the rest of the table to silence. "This is the worst damn food," etc. etc. Etiquetteer was mighty tempted to tell him that a lot of hurricane victims would be mighty glad to have a filet on their plate, even if they did think it overdone.So, long story short, a lovely evening reduced to a shambles by two dietary divos. Enough! If you’re going to be that fussy about your food you might as well stay home.

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Customer Service, Vol. 4, Issue 37

Dear Etiquetteer: What does one say to the proprietor of a faraway lodge (that I really want to visit) when queried about reservations and his response is "Go online and make your reservations yourself." Twelve hours later, when I had time to get to a computer, the reservation took about 20 minutes to make. The online, impersonal response only reserved one night of my five-day request. Back online, I made reservations at the same place in a different room, surmising that the problem was that the room that I wanted wasn't available for the entire week, so I volunteered to change rooms, ergo making a reservation for the remainder of the five days.The response was favorable but the main lodge, all the other facilities and the dining room are closed for three of the five days. And by the way, once the reservation is made online, there is a no refund cancellation policy. Poor business tactics.And I remain very interested in going there: the dining room is closed, but the lodge is a refuge and CULINARY SCHOOL! Dear Frustrated Foodie: Etiquetteer feels compelled to ask if this lodge is also a refuge from basic customer service. To quote the late Mamie Eisenhower, "Never mess around with some clerk. Always go straight to the top."But with sinking heart, Etiquetteer now observes that you are already negotiating with the proprietor, and not just some reservations agent. How very vexing!  So, what do you say to the proprietor? Tell this person exactly what you told Etiquetteer: that you were disappointed to be directed from a person to a website to make your reservations, and then angry and frustrated when the website made a bad, evil reservation for you that was not what you wanted. You then need to insist – nicely at first, then more forcefully if you don’t get results – that the proprietor take your reservation by phone at once.

Dear Etiquetteer: Don’t you think people should make eye contact with people they do business with? By this I mean that I am disturbed by fellow shoppers/customers who make no human acknowledgement of cashiers and other service people and the disappearing custom of thanking customers. I am so tired of "Here you go" or "You're all set buh-bye," when I want to hear "Thank you!" Dear Eyed: Etiquetteer would add to that litany of apathy the desultory "No problem" that comes from cashiers and waiters. It always suggests to Etiquetteer that they might, in fact, have a problem with doing part of their job.The Declaration of Independence offers some of the best etiquette advice one could use in the United States: " . . . that all men are created equal . . . " This suggests that both customer and employee are fully engaged in the transaction, and not talking on cell phones (you would be amazed at how often Etiquetteer sees this on both sides of the counter), watching television, or talking to friends to the point that the customer/employee is ignored. It also suggests that customer should refrain from condescending to the employee because they (the customer) are so much more superior. You are quite correct that a professionally cheerful "Thank you!" should be the last words from a customer service employee. And it should be acknowledged by the customer with a smile and a nod to conclude the transaction before the customer has started to walk away.Let Etiquetteer add, too, that customer service shouldn’t ostentatiously call attention to itself. Etiquetteer will confess to impatience with hotel operators who say, "It’s my pleasure to connect you" when all they really need to say is "One moment please."

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Reader Response, Vol. 4, Issue 37

Etiquetteer received some thoughtful and vigorous response to his comments about paper towel disposal in public restrooms:

From a health care worker: As a worker in a health care system, I have been trained to conclude my hand washing properly with drying my hands on a paper towel, using same paper towel to open the door, turning around and tossing the paper towel in the waste basket. That's how it's done.

Whether or not anyone saw you not wash your hands, those bad smells and bad germs are still on your hands! What bad smells? Urine has a strong lingering odor that permeates whatever is near it. Wash your hands, boys and girls. What bad germs? Why, strep and staph and things that make all of us seriously ill. Wash your hands.

At this point, it's not just etiquette. It's a duty to humanity, like driving while sober.

From a health care administrator: I drop paper towels by the door after I use them to open bathroom doors. I seek forgiveness. There actually has been a campaign underfoot for years by public health, epidemiologists, and other 'squeamish folks' for years to do just this: drop paper towels on the floor after opening bathroom doors with them. The idea is to encourage (dare I say train) folks who clean, design or build a restroom that a trash bin next to the door is needed and NECESSARY to decrease cross-transfer of germs.

An alternate goal would be to make exit doors in bathrooms push rather than pull, so this 'litter' is again unnecessary.

Littering may not be the answer, but washing your hands after using the bathroom and then opening a dirty door that others just have opened with wet or unwashed hands is defeating the whole purpose of washing the hands in the first place, especially when those people are kitchen staff who are about to touch or prepare your food.

Etiquetteer responds: Well all Etiquetteer can say is, that’s a mighty passive-aggressive "campaign" for change. May Etiquetteer suggest that a letter-writing campaign or a petition might be more effective than littering?

A reader submitted this charming story about the late Zero Mostel after Etiquetteer’s advice on How to Approach a Celebrity:

Back in the mid-sixties my former father-in-law and his wife were vacationing on one of the New England coastal islands (probably Martha's Vineyard, but I'm not really certain) and they were at the dock waiting to meet friends who were arriving on the next ferry. My former father-in-law saw Zero Mostel there, apparently also waiting to meet the ferry.

Camera in hand, he approached Mostel. "Excuse me, Mr. Mostel, but could I ask a favor of you." Mostel, no doubt very tired of always being approached by the public, especially when he was on vacation and attempting to relax, scowled as he turned. Mike continued "Would you mind taking a picture of my wife and me here on the pier."

Mostel was quiet for a moment, somewhat taken aback by this request that was the opposite of what he had obviously expected to be yet another request that he pose for a photograph, and then he burst out laughing and said "Of course." My former in-laws posed on the dock as Mostel took their picture. He was still chuckling as he handed back the camera.

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Personal Solicitation and Table Manners, Vol. 4, Issue 36

Dear Etiquetteer: Half-a-dozen times each year some friend or relative, out of the blue, writes or e-mails me with a thinly disguised request for money. Sometimes it’s for a business venture that allegedly will make me rich. Sometimes it’s to help with a medical problem (which they'll then refuse to document, even though they know I'm a health professional). Sometimes it’s to support their favorite charity (even though they're aware that I support a number of my own favorite charities). How can I - preferably early in the dialogue - let them know that I don't intend to fulfill their request, without - as is often the case - eliciting an angry response? The range of angry responses is impressive: shock ("How could you think that I was asking for money?"), a guilt trip ("Your parents would roll over in their graves if they knew what a skinflint you are!"), and sometimes it's just an above-it-all "I thought I knew you better" followed by a prolonged cold wind.) Dear Solicited: Etiquetteer has a lot of experience on both sides of this question, as an enthusiastic fund-raiser for underdog arts organizations and as one who has been "touched" for particular "opportunities." Etiquetteer can tell you recognize these conversations when they start. You have the power to make your position known early on by casually mentioning that your own investment strategy is more conservative now or that you’re focusing your charitable giving on your own favorite charities. This pre-emptive strike should alert your solicitors that you’re not interested. With illness it’s a little more challenging. Etiquetteer presumes that you may actually care about the people hitting you up. Confine the conversation as much as possible to the symptoms and treatment of the illness and not its financial repercussions.As the prospect, you have a few ways to react to your solicitors when they become less than polite. (And really, Etiquetteer is appalled by the reactions you detailed.) Etiquetteer frequently finds it beneficial to ignore the "elephant in the room" until an actual request for a specific amount of money is made. This gets you out of the shocked response you mention; then you can answer "Because you just asked me for money." Otherwise Etiquetteer finds you completely justified in observing "I’m so disappointed that only my money means anything to you. I thought we meant more to each other than that." Then you can blow the chill wind.

Dear Etiquetteer:

My partner and I recently hosted a sit-down dinner at our home for my extended family. The spouse of a cousin has the habit (yes, this has happened on more than one occasion) of placing, not to say grinding, his linen napkin into the remnants of his meal on the plate when he has finished his meal. Needless to say, this is rather unappetizing, not to say unhelpful when it comes to laundering the linens.

We obviously do not want to offend the spouse, but would like to have this behavior stop. Whatever shall we do?

Dear Harried Hosts:

The solution is obvious. Instruct your housemaid to keep a close eye on Cousin Zebulon. At the first sign of his completing his meal, she should whisk away his plate before he even has time to fold his napkin.

No housemaid? No kidding! You must forgive Etiquetteer’s longing for domestic service. Of course it’s so hard to find good help nowadays that no one even bothers.

It’s a grievous thing to have to correct a guest in one’s home, and it should only be done in grave situations (like bringing up politics at the dinner table or criticizing another guest to his or her face). Etiquetteer feels sure you have been tempted to give Cousin Zebulon a paper napkin instead, but singling him out from all the others would have an insulting effect you do not want.

Can you be sure that your backwoods relative sits next to you at dinner? This way when you see him start to remove his napkin from his lap, you can relieve him of it yourself, clearing his place at the same time. Purists will note that this violates the rule of clearing everyone’s places only after everyone has finished, but Etiquetteer thinks this the best way to preserve both the napkin and the feelings of the guest.

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