Out-of-the-Ordinary Workplace Issues, Vol. 12, Issue 12

Dear Etiquetteer: This question pertains to appropriate workplace behavior, and I can’t tell if I’m being too stuffy or not.

I work in a medium-sized office building (~200 employees), which provides several picnic tables for use in nice weather. Lately, a handful of employees have taken to bringing a picnic blanket and sitting under a shady tree. This involves some state of disrobing (shoes, perhaps an outer shirt) and decided lounging (one employee was lying on her stomach). While not a common occurrence, VIPs do come and go from our building, often parking just feet from this “picnic site.”

When I heard of such plans, I enthusiastically suggested the lovely shady park just a five-minute walk from the office to avoid the slippery slope to sunbathing, naps, etc. The response was not received well. So, the question is: despite the fact that it is indeed their lunch break/free time, is it appropriate for employees to be picnicking, lounging, and shoeless on company grounds during office hours where VIPs may be parking and entering the building?

Dear Stick in the Mud:

A picnic table outside the office is like open bar at the office holiday party. It’s best not to take full advantage of it, because the results may make the wrong impression. Of course this kind of slackening of behavior in the workplace got started because many employees no longer dress professionally. “Casual Friday” at many workplaces has been replaced by “Casual Everyday,” which VIPs of another generation might not think is a great idea, whether it's at a picnic table or a boardroom table. Etiquetteer would rather stick in the mud with you . . . but not so enjoyably that it might be considered wallowing.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I am working as an artist in a Well-Appointed Home, and have a number of people on my own staff that come in during the day to help me. My question is: how should my staff address the butler? The complicating factor is that the butler's full name is John James. Two of the children in the household are John and James. The household gets around this by addressing the butler by a nick name, but that seems too familiar for my staff to use. I asked my hosts, but got two different answers. I asked the butler what he prefers, but of course, he won't express an opinion, and I am unable to read any subtle clues he may be giving me. He has been invaluable so far, and the project will run for several months, so I'm anxious to do the right thing.

Dear Buttled:

Invaluable as this butler may be, he does you no favor by not stating unequivocally precisely how he prefers to be addressed. This rather annoys Etiquetteer, as it's not a very helpful attitude! Without specific direction, your staff could call him "Hey, you!" and it would be Legitimate (if not Perfectly Proper) simply because he has not stated a preference when asked. Etiquetteer has encountered this before, when asking people how to pronounce their names and being told either "Oh, anything" or "Either one." Neither answer is helpful! Etiquetteer has finally decided that the best question to ask in that circumstance is "How do you pronounce your own name?"

But to return to your own query, butlers are always addressed by what used to be called visiting staff or "inferiors" as "Mr. [Insert Last Name Here]." If, after a week of this, he finally tells members of your staff, "Oh, just call me Honey," then you might have a workplace harassment issue.

Etiquetteer suspect you must have a summer-related etiquette question about seersucker, gin and tonics, or vacation behavior. Do send it along to <queries_at_etiquetteer.com.>

Sheer Impropriety, Vol. 12, Issue 11

Etiquetteer really hadn't given Gwyneth Paltrow a thought since Shakespeare in Love, but she has now been forced on Etiquetteer's attention due to an Unfortunate Fashion Choice. For the premiere of Iron Man III, La Paltrow chose an Antonio Berardi gown distinguished - if that is the word - by neck to floor panels of sheer black on each side. The gown was designed in such a way that she could not wear underwear under it, and it need hardly be said that a Lady does not call attention to her lingerie, or lack of it. As if that weren't Lacking in Taste enough, La Paltrow's stylist leapt into the fray with the usual fluffy public relations denials along the lines of "It's daring in a no-daring way," "It's spirit without being vulgar," "You don't see a whole lot of false fakeness going on there like some other people," etc. To which Etiquetteer can only suggest that they must be showing us the real fakeness. The late Oscar Levant once said "Scratch the fake tinsel of Hollywood and you'll find the real tinsel underneath." Etiquetteer can only agree.

But the real coup de grace for Etiquetteer was later in the article, recounting La Paltrow talking about this dress with Ellen DeGeneres on the latter's talk show - and the unexpected grooming required to wear a sheer dress with no underwear. As Miss Sweet Brown taught us, "Ain't nobody got time f'that!" Is this what we've come to, America, frank discussion of pubic grooming on national television? You may be sure that Etiquetteer had to go lie down after reading that.

Please, ladies - please! Etiquetteer certainly doesn't want to prevent you from making the best advantage of your physiques if you wish to do so, but good tailoring and fitting will go much further than the overuse of sheer fabric. Perhaps it is time for satin to make a comeback; Etiquetteer remembers the late Anais Nin writing about the skill of French tailors making black satin flow like liquid over a woman's body. Or something like that.

A couple other examples of sheer fashion in history also didn't end well. At the 1969 Academy Awards, Barbra Streisand was persuaded by designer Arnold Scaasi to wear a sheer black pantsuit to the ceremony. The triple layer of tulle did too little to conceal La Streisand's undergarments. Indeed, her pantyline was made even more prominent when she tripped going up the steps to the stage. The late Mr. Blackwell accused her of mooning the audience. You be the judge by viewing the film clip here. The conventional wisdom, "You can never go wrong with a classic," is still Sound Advice.

A much more scandalous occasion took place much further back in time when Elizabeth Chudleigh, a lady-in-waiting in the court of George II, showed up dressed as Iphigenia at a court masquerade with at least her breasts bared, and nothing else left to the imagination. A couple different interpretations of what she wore may be found here. Lady Mary Wortley Montagu was said to have remarked that her tunic was so disengaged "the sacrificial priest would have no trouble finding her entrails." (Etiquetteer is gnashing his teeth in rage at not being able to cite the source.) Her Sauciness attracted the attention of the king, who asked if he could touch her exposed breast. She replied, "Your Majesty, I can put it in a far softer place," and brought his hand to his own head. Etiquetteer marvels that this is actually history and not from an episode of "Tales of Ribaldry" with Jon Lovitz.

Etiquetteer can only conclude that those beautiful sheer fabrics are best left in the bedroom.

Kindly send your own style-related questions to Etiquetteer at queries_at_etiquetteer.com.

Perfect Propriety at a Time of Tragedy, Vol. 12, Issue 10

The City of Boston, Massachusetts, has just undergone one of the worst weeks in its almost-400-year history, the bombing of the Boston Marathon and subsequent manhunt for its two suspects. Five people, including one of the suspects, were killed, and dozens more injured, some grievously. The bravery of many men and women has led Etiquetteer to reflect on how best to react in such situations:

• Aid the wounded or get out of the way. Etiquetteer admires the unbounded courage of the first responders who rushed into the smoke not knowing what they would find, or even able to see where they were going. Those unable to follow their example, for whatever reason, do best to clear the way for first responders. The standard fire-escape announcement in theatres comes to mind: "Exit the building from the nearest available exit and move away from the building quickly."
• Comfort the afflicted. Everyone reacts to tragedy differently. Some internalize their reactions and manifest them later; others exhibit emotions right away. Etiquetteer was deeply moved by the generosity of Brent Cunningham, who gave his medal to another runner, Laura Wellington. Ms. Wellington, a runner who was deeply distressed at not being able to find her family after the bombing, was discovered weeping by Mr. Cunningham and his wife. He gave her his medal - what magnificent sportsmanship! - and has now received hers, since she was able to receive her own only a few hours later. Boston saw many such encounters throughout the week. They are an example to all of us.
• Be patient with the network, however frustrating. Telecommunications went haywire after the bombing, leaving many people unable to connect reliably with loved ones. This underscores the need to select a meeting place in advance, as many runners did with their families, perhaps even an alternate location in case the first is inaccessible. It's also a good reminder to stay calm enough to speak slowly and distinctly with good diction, so that you'll definitely be understood over static and background noise on the line.
• Reach out to those you love. Everyone knows Etiquetteer's fondness for Lovely Notes, and those may come later. But telephone and electronic communications - brief, concise, and specific - mean a great deal. Etiquetteer, though never in danger, greatly appreciated expressions of concern via text message, email, and voicemail.
• Use the arts to heal. Etiquetteer took heart reading that several museums and other arts organizations in Boston waived their admission fees in the days after the tragedy. In the words of MFA director Malcolm Rogers, “It’s doing something positive. You’ve just seen a horrible example of what a perverted human mind can do. What the works of art in our care show is what the human mind and the human hands can do at their greatest and their most inspired.” In the days after the bombing, people came together to sing - not only the National Anthem, from which many draw comfort at such times, at the Boston Red Sox game - but also in the streets to sing hymns, and to raise money for the victims. And let us not forget those who came prepared to sing hymns over picketers from the infamous Westboro Baptist Church (who, to the relief of all, did not appear). All these expressions of Beauty are necessary for healing.
• Restrain your greed. Etiquetteer was incensed to read that not long after the tragedy, 2013 Boston Marathon medals appeared for sale on eBay. Etiquetteer is not going to speculate on whether or not those medals were obtained ethically in the first place. But even if they were, this is too soon.
• Think before you speak. Etiquetteer was deeply disappointed when the FBI had to chastise the media about its inaccurate reporting that a suspect was in custody and en route to the Moakley Courthouse. This led not only to a convergence of the curious on the courthouse, but also its evacuation. Nor was the situation helped by individuals spreading rumors or incorrectly reported facts via the many forms of social media. "Least said, soonest mended" and "Loose lips sink ships" are still good maxims. Get your facts straight and, if you can't, pipe down until someone else does.
• Or don't speak at all. Unfortunately several people tried to take political advantage of the tragedy to further their own particular views, which is cynical at best and downright offensive at worst. The instance that seems to have provoked the most backlash was undoubtedly Arkansas state representative Nate Bell's comments via Twitter to work in the national debate on gun control. To which Etiquetteer can only quote the character Cornelia Robson in Agatha Christie's Death on the Nile, who says "Cousin Marie says politicians aren't gentlemen."

Now that the surviving suspect is in custody and daily life in the city returns to its expected rhythms, Etiquetteer encourages everyone to use Patience and Kindness with those you meet, both in person and online.

Etiquetteer at Random, Vol. 12, Issue 9

Without anything thematic or cohesive to offer today, Etiquetteer holds forth on what is random and current: Last week Etiquetteer was delighted to speak to a group of college event planners, who raised the issue of what to do about uninvited guests (read: students) wandering in and helping themselves to refreshments. Let's face it: students may be brilliant and think fine thoughts and hold and develop solutions to all our most pressing societal problems, but they are also - depending on your Point of View - either Hungry and Impoverished or Thoughtless, Selfish, and Arrogant. This sort of Intrepid Grazing is most often seen at events that need to be held in big public spaces. Etiquetteer recommends keeping the refreshment tables covered with clean tablecloths until the start of the event and roping off the event space to keep Interlopers at bay. If you catch someone in the act, greet them heartily and offer to escort them to the registration table for their nametag, ask for an email address to add them to the list for the next event, or even scare the bejeebers out of them by mistaking them for the guest speaker.

Over the last month or so a couple news articles about public shaming attracted Etiquetteer's attention enough to be posted at Etiquetteer's presence on Facebook. The Internet has made it possible to shame someone globally in real time, which has already been seen with the posting of abusive voicemail messages, restaurant receipts with insensitive messages for waiters, and other such items. Etiquetteer deplores this use of the Internet, mostly because there's always a margin for error. For instance, the Los Angeles restaurant Red Medicine is tweeting the names of no-shows who didn't honor their reservations. Etiquetteer absolutely understands the frustration of the restaurateurs; no-show diners have a negative impact on revenue, always razor thin in the restaurant world. But there is always the possibility that a death or a medical emergency kept them from honoring the reservation. (Etiquetteer has been tempted, when party guests fail to attend a party, to send a funeral wreath the next day with the message "So sorry your untimely death kept you from joining the fun," but has been kept from such by actual knowledge of legitimate emergencies in the past.) A more Perfectly Proper policy for restaurants to implement would be to maintain a Do Not Reserve list of Diners Who Have Failed to Appear.

Etiquetteer would love to see more people do something for the economy by supporting their local stationers and increasing, resuming, or beginning their handwritten correspondence. Heaven knows that etiquette must change with the times. When customs become outworn, they must adapt or disappear. How many of you, for instance, still have "at home" days during the week or make "party calls" the day after a party? What handwritten letters and cards lack in speed and timeliness, they make up in thoughtfulness and the perception that one has made a special effort. And from a strictly nostalgic point of view, it is much more fun to go through a shoebox of old letters than it is to scan a computer screen of old email messages. While acknowledging the convenience of electronic communication, Etiquetteer dearly hopes that what is special and individual about handwritten correspondence will remain.

Should you have queries about any of these topics, or others, Etiquetteer welcomes your (electronic) query at <queries <at> etiquetteer.com>. You may also follow Etiquetteer on Facebook!

Tip Jars/Easter Parade, Vol. 12, Issue 8

Dear Etiquetteer: I completely am in favor of tipping for good service in a restaurant. My husband and I consider 20% of our check the standard; if we had good service we will tip above that. However, waiters/waitresses run back and forth filling water, fetching extra sauce, relaying specific instructions to the kitchen, etc. Tip jar personnel, on the other hand, walk two feet to fill my coffee that is worth 50 cents. I am then  charged over three dollars for the coffee. What is the protocol here?

Dear Tipping Pointed:

Etiquetteer feels no obligation to contribute to a tip jar; it's put on the counter as an opportunity rather than a mandate. (Restaurant tipping, however, often feels mandated regardless of the quality of service received.)

But Etiquetteer would encourage you to think a little more broadly about a the duties of someone at the counter. One must not only serve the coffee, but make it in those gigantic coffeemakers (which might also involve grinding the beans), filling and refilling the multitude of dairy pitchers (because no coffee place can just offer cream any longer), washing and drying dishes (or monitoring inventory of paper goods), stocking the bakery cases, mopping and cleaning so the place doesn't violate a health inspection, and last but far from least, putting up with customers to can't make of their minds, ask silly questions, or (the worst) approach the counter talking on their cell phones or texting. In that light, a casual gratuity for pleasant and prompt service is not really so out of place.

gloves

Easter Sunday will be upon us soon, and of course Etiquetteer longs for the Easter parades of the last century. But rather than harken back to images of Judy Garland and Fred Astaire and Ann Miller and Peter Lawford, Etiquetteer considers the remarkable efforts of the late Julia O'Neil to present her ten daughters and two sons with Perfect Propriety each Easter. Mrs. O'Neil went to extraordinary lengths to dress her daughters in identical outfits she made herself, buying bolts of cloth and purchasing hats wholesale. And each of her daughters, and herself, too, looked as beautiful as an Easter nosegay. As Boston Globe columnist Jack Thomas wrote when Mrs. O'Neil died in 1978, "They were a photographer's delight, a charming, irresistible Easter Sunday sign of spring and a symbol of the best of Irish Catholic life in Boston."

Americans, as a rule, have not yet figured out how to reconcile their own personal comfort, which must of course come before all things*, with Perfect Propriety. They don't have to be mutually exclusive. The O'Neil family, like many middle class families of yore, understood that one's appearance indicated one's self-respect. Etiquetteer hopes to see yours in evidence, which would put Etiquetteer "all in clover when they look you over."

*You did hear the sarcasm dripping from Etiquetteer's pen, didn't you? Good.

Reflections on Entertaining, Vol. 12, Issue 7

Last week Boston was treated to the spectacle of a huge party faux pas when the grand opening of the new RH (née Restoration Hardware) had to be shut down by the police due to overcrowding. Etiquetteer is familiar with the "It doesn't feel like a party if it isn't crowded" theory, but is much more comfortable with the "Safety First" theory. According to the Boston Herald, party organizers hoped that "steady turnaround would prevent overcrowding," but one need look no further than the Lincoln Inaugural Ball of 1865 to see how assumptions of crowd circulation go wrong. With 4,000 people in attendance, the ball organizers expected to accommodate everyone in the supper room 400 at a time, with the Lincolns among the first 400. "Unfortunately, their plans went awry. When the doors were opened to the guests just before the Lincolns left, the sudden rush of people flooding from the ballroom quickly reduced the supper room to shambles . . . there was no way the Lincolns could get through the mob and out the front door, so they left by a side door . . . Reporter Noah Brooks thought the 'wildness' of the crowd that night was 'similar to some of the antics of the Paris Commune.'"* But the thing that really raised Etiquetteer's hackles was the tweet "Wait, the hottest party in town . . . was an opening for a (expletive) RETAIL STORE? The Onion pegged us today for sure." The tweeter (Twitterer?) was referring to a story in everyone's favorite parody news source The Onion, suggesting that Boston is really just a game of "Big City." While Etiquetteer isn't acquainted with this person, who might be the most sought-after host/hostess, Etiquetteer was tempted to ask "Well, why aren't you giving the hottest party in town?" Because a "hot" party doesn't have to be large, expensive, or pocked with celebrities. A "hot" party simply has to be perceived as desirable, and one does that by providing the best conversation along with reassuring quantities of the best food and drink. And by "best" Etiquetteer does not mean "expensive." You could be hosting a brunch and have the best coffee and scrambled eggs ever. In fact, why don't you host a brunch with the best coffee and scrambled eggs? Why don't you host a little dinner for four with the best gumbo or pasta or Russian cream? Why don't you host an open house with the best chocolate chip cookies and mimosas?

In fact, why don't you send Etiquetteer a message at queries_at_etiquetteer_dot_com right now and say why you aren't entertaining at home. Etiquetteer fears more and more people are abandoning this essential part of creating community out of sloth, stress, and boredom - what the late Dorothy Draper called the "Will to be Dreary" in her amusing and fanciful book Entertaining Is Fun! Everyone should be giving a party at home seven times a year, roughly once every seven weeks. Etiquetteer can think of a few different ways to do it - which should be the subject of a future column - from dinner for four to an open house for dozens. It doesn't have to be difficult! If everyone in town started to do this, Boston (or your own town) would be full of the "hottest" parties, and no one would have to rely on storekeepers for their entertaining excitement.

*Quoted in Presidential Inaugurations: Behind the Scenes - An Informal, Anecdotal History from Washington's Election to George W. Bush's Gala," by Paul F. Boller, Jr., page 207.

The Hostly Host, Vol. 12, Issue 6

Remarks given by Etiquetteer at a meeting of Toastmasters at MIT, February 27, 2013: The late Melville Bell Grosvenor, editor of National Geographic and very much a gentleman of the old school, knew that a host's principal responsibility was to make his guests feel comfortable. One story shared in a National Geographic tribute illustrated just how far a gentleman could go to do so. A young journalist accepted an invitation to attend an evening event at the Grosvenor's winter home in a Southern state. All the gentlemen present were wearing white bucks, leaving the young journalist embarrassed to be the only gentleman in black shoes. Mr. Grosvenor quietly went upstairs to his room, and returned a few moments later wearing black shoes himself. This simple, quiet gesture helped put that young man at his ease.

Indeed, what are the basic points of serving as a host? A host's first duty is to make his guests feel welcome. To begin at the beginning, a host must first arrive at the event in advance of his guests; this is especially true for business functions conducted outside the office, and in communities like Boston where traffic creates unforeseen difficulties. A host then creates feelings of welcome and reassurance in his guests by greeting them by name and with a warm handshake. James K. Polk, the 11th President of the United States, used two devices to assist him. Before bed every night, he would make out a list of everyone he had seen during the day, a memory exercise that served him well; he was never known to greet anyone by mistake. The second device he created out of self-preservation. Polk was a slight gentleman without a robust constitution who had to be constantly shaking hands. He wrote ". . . shake and not be shaken, grip and not be gripped," meaning that it was helpful to be the first into a handshake. He would be sure to offer his hand first and grab the other man near the tips of his fingers, thereby reducing the risk of being squeezed painfully by the other.

A host also promotes comfort by introducing guests to each other, and Etiquetteer recommends doing this immediately with anyone in the vicinity. This is especially important for newcomers, whether in professional or social settings, and should also include a very brief fact, such as "This is Bob Gray. We went to college together" or "I'd like you to know Lisa Morris, general counsel at our local hospital." This gives people a toehold on which to start a conversation without the host present.

Guests at a party, whether social or professional, also like to be reassured that there will be refreshments, since it isn't very polite to ask. Dorothy Draper, in her very amusing book Entertaining Is Fun, emphasizes more than once that guests should be offered drinks immediately on arrival. " . . . the drinks are ready on their table for the host to serve them as the party gathers. These are ready to be served at once so there is no awkward standing around, waiting for the party to begin." When entertaining at a restaurant or hotel, having a waiter or barman on duty to offer drinks or take orders helps move the party along.

A host smooths disagreements between guests should they happen to come up. Many people of good intentions may share honest disagreements, but a party is not always the place to bring them up. A host changes the subject deftly. When the recalcitrant resist, it may be necessary to say "This isn't the time to talk about it." In the movie Advise and Consent, a skillful Washington hostess defuses a humorless, insistent Senator. Protesting, the Senator says "This is no laughing matter!" to which the hostess replies "Then perhaps this isn't the place to discuss it."

And at the end of a function, a host communicates genuine regret that guests must depart. The great Sarah Bernhardt always suggested that one greet guests with "Enfin!" and, when they announced their departure, to look wistfully and ask "Dejá?" A smile and a kind word do much to "speed the parting guest."

Your own queries about entertaining are always welcome at queries_at_etiquetteer_dot_com.

Random Issues and Commentary, Vol. 12, Issue 5

Dear Etiquetteer: When someone sees a bit of food on your face, or a smudge or something else that shouldn't be there, should they tell you about it? Even if it's small?

Dear Smudged:

The question isn't the size of the apparent Impediment to Perfection, but the ability to do something about it. For instance, Etiquetteer has on more than one occasion come home from a party with a dark green bit of spanikopita on his teeth, which would have been easy to remove had someone quietly said, "Etiquetteer, you have a bit of spinach in your teeth." On the other hand, Etiquetteer, like many men, occasionally cuts himself shaving. When the answer to "You have something on your chin" is "It's a scab; I cut myself shaving," you've overstepped.

Etiquetteer should hasten to add that it's impertinent of a gentleman to inform a lady who is a stranger to him of anything out of place about her. These days such "helpfulness" is too easily misconstrued as harrassment.

Unfortunately, the threat of being expelled from Best Society no longer deters people from behaving badly in public. Several instances have appeared in the news today:

• Students at Tufts University were reprimanded for excessive drunkenness and public urination at the Tufts Winter Bash at a Boston hotel. Do you know why Emily Post, Lillian Eichler, Amy Vanderbilt, and other 20th-century etiquette writers never had to specify that ladies and gentlemen never urinated in plain view? BECAUSE PEOPLE KNEW BETTER. Etiquetteer blames Woodstock. If it were up to Etiquetteer, these students would be expelled. In the meantime, Etiquetteer hopes that Tufts will choose a less violent name for their winter dance than "bash."
• Some good clean fraternity fun veered into Imperfect Propriety when a University of Michigan fraternity was suspended indefinitely for using a semi-nude photo in a party invitation. The photo features a row of ten Pi Kappa Alpha brothers wearing only a very thin American flag. While Etiquetteer chooses not to doubt the intentions of these young men - although one of them does appear to be enjoying himself a bit too much - Etiquetteer does have to disapprove. You see, the photo was used in a party invitation to a sorority, and this Image of Implied Nudity can easily be construed as Forcing One's Attention on a Lady, which as we know is Simply Not Done. A photograph of the brothers fully dressed would not have been offensive. Etiquetteer hopes this Error in Judgment will be rectified soon.
• The Black Mental Health Alliance has launched an ad campaign emphasizing the legal penalties of sagging. For those who might be unaware, sagging is the practice of wearing one's pants below the waist, often to such a degree that they are completely below the buttocks - exposing undergarments, and often more. Etiquetteer agrees with rapper Tamara Bubble, quoted as saying "Sagging should stop now. Girls don’t like it and people don’t take you seriously in general. You can’t get job with it. If you go to court with it, you’re probably going to lose your case. In all aspects of life, it’s not healthy." But even Etiquetteer questions the penalties mentioned: a $300 fine and up to three years in jail. Etiquetteer can only imagine the hue and cry there would be if such a campaign was put into place for those who wear pajamas in public* - a practice that is carried out by too many people of all races.
• Then there's the report of Judy H. Viger, the 33-year-old mother who hired strippers for her son's sixteenth birthday party. CAUTION: The linked article includes what most people would call a "Not Safe For Work image" and what Etiquetteer calls Most Indelicate. From the article: "The dancers stripped to thong underwear and bras and gave lap dances to some of the teenagers." The article also mentions that this party was held at a bowling alley, and it isn't clear that it was in a private lane. Ms. Viger has been arrested, and Etiquetteer would like to see her sentenced to public service working with victims of sexual abuse.

And that should be Quite Enough from Etiquetteer tonight! Now go forward and sin no more.

*Of course Etiquetteer exempts those going to or from a pajama brunch, but it is advisable not to run errands along the way.

Dining in Public, Vol. 12, Issue 4

From Etiquetteer's Facebook page comes this query: Dear Etiquetteer:

Last night my family, including my husband's parents and sister (who were visiting from out of state) had the pleasure of attending dinner service on the Napa Valley Wine Train. All the lady seated behind my sister-in-law could do was complain, loudly. We didn't allow her to ruin our good time, but felt trapped! As did the lovely couple seated across from the bitter bitter woman. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of the right way to handle the situation and would like never to find myself lacking the Perfectly Proper way to handle the very uncomfortable situation she was causing. How would you recommend handling this situation, should it present itself during another evening?

Dear Entrained and Entrapped:

Etiquetteer's guiding precept has always been that No One Cares How You Feel or What You Want. Etiquetteer thinks it's a pity this Dining Virago was not so educated. One wonders why such people ever leave home, since they are so clearly unhappy away from it. Etiquetteer's beloved Ellen Maury Slayden joined her Congressman husband on an official delegation to Mexico in 1910. Commenting on one Senator and his wife, she wrote "I wonder why they come on a trip like this, all made up of scenery and adventure, when they could get so much better pie and cereal at home."*

You and your family, however, were clearly brought up on the maxim "Don't borrow trouble," for which Etiquetteer commends you. Because let's face it, in Real Life, confrontations such as these are always messier than they are in TV sitcoms. For instance, had you leaned over and asked "Excuse me, I hate to interrupt your diatribe, but did you happen to bring any earplugs we could borrow?" you would not have been saved by a commercial break. The Fantasy of the One-Line Putdown That Works is just that, a fantasy.

The first and best recourse is to speak (quietly) to the waiter or the manager and ask if anything can be done. It's in their best interest to be sure that all their diners are enjoying themselves, not only the Dining Virago but also you and your party. They can take what action they feel is necessary to get her to pipe down, whether it's a complimentary dessert, picking up her entire check, or promising her that she'll never have the chance to complain about their service again after she's banned from returning.

Etiquetteer thinks you and your family might have put a more positive spin on the situation by sending a bottle of wine to "the lovely couple seated across from the bitter bitter woman," creating a secret community able to smile over a special bond: Endurance. Etiquetteer can just see you all toasting each other silently across the aisle while the Dining Virago obliviously keeps on ranting.

Etiquetteer wishes you and your family well on future dining excursions!

Have you had a difficult experience dining out? Etiquetteer would love to accept your queries at <queries _at_ etiquetteer dot com>.

*It should surprise no one that Etiquetteer is quoting from Washington Wife: Journal of Ellen Maury Slayden from 1897 - 1919.

Restaurant Closing Times, Vol. 12, Issue 3

Dear Etiquetteer: How long prior to a food establishment’s posted closing time is a reasonable minimum to expect to be able to arrive?  For instance, if the closing time is 9:30 pm, should one feel comfortable arriving at 9:15, expecting to be seated and served?  Then how long after that posted closing time is acceptable time to linger?

Is there any difference in the etiquette based on the type of establishment?  Fine dining will likely be a time consuming affair with many courses.  Casual dining establishments will likely have a shorter turnover time, but still involve seated service. Counter service places like coffee shops, have a percentage of patrons who sit and enjoy their purchases and their books/papers/homework/web-surfing/chatting with friends, while others purchase and go.  Do these difference in service styles make a difference to the way in which a patron should observe the posted closing time, and the service they should expect to receive?

Thanks much for your thoughts on the matter.

Dear Hastened:

Your query made Etiquetteer wonder if you still have a bruise on your coccyx from the doorknob hitting you on the way out.

Two competing considerations work against each other here: consideration for diners to be able to enjoy their meal, and consideration for the staff who cannot finish their work (closing the restaurant) and go home until all diners have left the restaurant. Etiquetteer believes that any diner who finds the door to a restaurant open should be able to expect a restaurant's full service. But diners arriving at such a time that they can expect still to be dining after closing time show courtesy to the staff by ordering decisively and not dawdling over coffee or paying the bill. Restaurateurs eager not to pay staff overtime would do well to lock the door against late arrivals, opening it only to allow departing patrons to exit.

You are correct that how this is handled is guided by the style of service provided, although courtesy is the common thread among each. White-tablecloth restaurants with extensive wine lists can't really expect to rush patrons through a dinner that extends well past closing time. They can manage this by not accepting reservations, or walk-in diners, after a certain time. For instance, if a restaurant's posted closing time is 11:00 PM, they can decline to accept reservations after 10:00 PM. Casual restaurants should do the same, but may also emphasize closing time when greeting late arrivals ("We're closing in ten minutes.") Sometimes restaurants make it clear that service is reduced before closing; Etiquetteer knows one popular pub that makes it clear on the menu "Only pizza after 10:00 PM." In a coffee shop or diner, Etiquetteer sees no discourtesy in a general announcement made by the manager "Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be closing in ten minutes." Young Etiquetteer briefly worked for a Popular Doughnut Chain many years ago, and for the closing shift this announcement might have been made individually.

Not long ago Etiquetteer joined a party of five arriving at a popular Chinese restaurant five minutes before its closing time. To its credit, the party was ready to order almost as soon as it was seated. But conversation  captured the enthusiasm of the party more than the excellent cuisine. The staff, not eager to stay later than necessary after a long day, made a point by beginning closing the dining room about 15 minutes after dinner had been served. They stacked chairs at other tables and brought out the vacuum cleaner, beginning closest to Etiquetteer's table. Given that the total bill for a party of five, including tip, would not have reached three figures, Etiquetteer can't fault the staff . . . but would have wished for five more minutes of vacuum-free dining.

Speaking of not dawdling over paying the bill, Etiquetteer was both interested and dismayed to read this article about restaurant technology. Etiquetteer does not like to think such applications are necessary because public education should at least provide enough knowledge of math to manage splitting a restaurant check, and because Etiquetteer finds that the longer a party parses a check, the less joyously the occasion is remembered.

Etiquetteer would absolutely love to hear your own queries about Perfect Propriety! Please send them to queries_at_etiquetteer.com.

Seven Actions for Perfect Propriety in Public Life in the New Year, Vol. 12, Issue 2

Here we are, embarked on a New Year, and Etiquetteer is working hard to maintain a Feeling of Hope for increasing Perfect Propriety. Etiquetteer has identified seven areas -- some simple, some quixotic -- where action should be taken. At once. 1. Homeowner associations (HOAs) need to write exceptions into their governing documents allowing homeowners to display the American flag on or from their properties without being fined or censured. Every year an HOA makes the news when it sues or fines a homeowner who displays an American flag on his or her property against the HOA rules about decorations and displays. These stories are even more poignant when the flag is tattered or in otherwise less-than-perfect condition, usually because of its association with a family member who died in service to this nation. If you live in an HOA, take the initiative now to modify your bylaws to permit display of the American flag on one's property.

2. Anyone who has charge of an escalator, whether it's in a shopping mall, transportation hub, government or office building, or any other public place, needs to be sure that every rider knows that standing is on the right, and passing is on the left. This can be achieved with signage or a painted line down the center.

3. Retailers need to stop colonizing private life and pandering to our baser instincts by scheduling outrageous sales events on holidays - and we need to stop letting them do it by buying into this manufactured "excitement." Etiquetteer was outraged that some retailers actually scheduled some sales to begin on Thanksgiving Day Itself, and appalled viewing some of the video footage of the Black Friday mélee. Etiquetteer has extreme difficulty reconciling this with the True Spirit of Christmas. If it was up to Etiquetteer -- which, of course, it ought to be -- Black Friday sales would not be allowed to begin until 10:00 AM on Friday. Even if the retailers don't, Etiquetteer wants you to make the commitment to refrain from shopping on holidays.

4. Unfortunately, Western civilization has reached such a low level of sloth, selfishness, or contempt that more and more people don't care about being properly dressed in public. Indeed, many don't even know what proper dress is. With great reluctance, Etiquetteer must endorse the use of instructional signage, such as "No Visible Undergarments" and "No Sleepwear" so that standards can be reinforced.

5. Theatres and concert halls need to enforce more vigorously the rule not to use recording devices of any kind (cameras, recorders, smartphones, etc.) during concerts. Anyone who has ever had their view of a performance blocked by rows of upraised arms with iPhones will appreciate this. Etiquetteer believes that violators should be evicted, which means that ushers will need to be more vigilant and prowl the aisles during performances more often. (It is interesting to muse on how differently Woodstock might have affected Western culture if everyone there had had a smartphone or videocamera. Etiquetteer is mighty relieved they didn't.)

6. The battle between drivers, cyclists, and pedestrians must stop. To quote Stu Ackerman, "There is only 'we.' 'Them' is a hallucination born of fear." Everyone has the same goal: to get wherever they're going as quickly as possible. Etiquetteer would like them to get there as safely as possible, too. And this means being aware of one's own situation and of other travelers around one. For pedestrians, it means looking left, right, and left again before walking across the street -- and only at intersections. For drivers, it means knowing where one is going before getting in the car and relying on an often-faulty GPS. For cyclists, it means awareness that both pedestrians and drivers, through no fault of their own, will have to cross the bike lane. For all it means putting away one's electronic devices so that one can travel with full concentration and without distraction! Etiquetteer's heart has leapt into his mouth more than once seeing a pedestrian blithely walk into an intersection while staring intently at a smartphone screen, or a driver making a sharp left turn with one hand on the wheel and cellphone held to the ear. In summary, no one group of travelers is evil, as many would like to think. Rather, there are impatient and inattentive travelers in each group. Etiquetteer urges you to represent the best aspects of your particular Mode of Travel.

7. If parents are not going to enforce Perfect Propriety in their children when dining out, restaurants are going to start having to do it for them by either asking them to leave, being sure they know not to come back until the children can behave, or banning children altogether. While hastily acknowledging the very many good and attentive parents who understand and train their children well, Etiquetteer must note that the legions of oblivious and ineffective parents make dining out difficult for everyone.* The stories from waiters and waitresses (one need only search the Web) can curl one's hair.

And that, as they say, is that. Etiquetteer welcomes your Perfectly Proper queries resulting from these recommendations at queries_at_etiquetteer_dot_com.

*It's worth noting, too, that every time Etiquetteer sees a news story about Chuck E. Cheese, it's because grownups started a brawl there.

Holiday Fallout, Vol. 12, Issue 1

Dear Etiquetteer:

An ex of mine and I tried unsuccessfully to be friends. Historically his efforts at outreach during "friendship" mode were on the manipulative side and our mutual friends advised we leave each other alone. We are not a part of each other's lives, nor do we correspond; he lives with his current BF.

He just sent me an Xmas gift. One friend suggested I throw the gift out. I am inclined to keep it and ignore it as any further action is an over-reaction. Ignoring it (and, specifically, not sending a thank you note) horrified my mother. While propriety generally would suggest I thank him, is it acceptable in this case to ignore?

Dear Gifted:

Oh my goodness.

Action on your part is required. Keeping this unwelcome gift from your ex without acknowledging its receipt may prompt him to contact you to ask if you received it, and it doesn't sound as if you want your ex calling, texting, or knocking on your door. This leaves two options: a) keeping the gift and sending a Civil Note of Thanks, or b) returning the gift with a Civil Note of Thanks.

Since you have no interest in resuming any sort of contact at all with your ex, Etiquetteer recommends the latter. Keeping the gift - or even donating it to a Charity of Your Choice - implies a resumption of social intercourse, even at the most superficial level. And actually, there's a history of recipients returning gifts because they didn't think they could accept the terms. Anna Leonowens, real life heroine of "The King and I," wrote in her memoir "An English Governess at the Siamese Court" about receiving a beautiful diamond ring from her employer, King Mongkut, along with a Meaningful Look. Knowing that a search for a comely European lady or two for the king's harem was in progress, Mrs. Leonowens shortly returned the ring after some deliberation, feeling that she could not receive it in the spirit in which it was intended. [NOTE: A hasty search of this engaging but sometimes ponderous memoir does not actually yield the necessary passage to verify this story; Etiquetteer fears it must be read in its entirety to find it.]

Your Civil Note of Thanks may be quite brief, along the lines of

Dear Ex,

Thank you for the gift of _________, but I regret that I am unable to accept it. I am enclosing it herewith so that someone else can enjoy it.

Yours truly, (Yours sincerely is more intimate, so stick with truly)

/Gifted

This should be chilly enough to prevent future Unwelcome Outbursts of Rapprochement.

Dear Etiquetteer:

I have a holiday party question. What do you do about former spouses and family members who are otherwise estranged, when you are still friendly to all of the people involved? Do you choose? Invite and warn them? Invite and let them sort it out?

Dear Partying:

Etiquetteer always makes it a practice to remain friendly with both sides of a separated couple, and therefore invites both to large gatherings. Family gatherings can be tricky; by its being a family event, anyone in the family should be able to attend. Etiquetteer's mother's explanation of the Daughters of the American Revolution pretty much settles it: "If you can prove you belong, they have to let you in." Often a divorced parent will join a holiday meal with ex-inlaws because his or her children will be there.

Admission, however, does not mean submission to Bad Behavior. Unsurprisingly, it's extremely rude to start a fight at a party, whether one is throwing words, dishes, or fists. Most people will accept the presence of a blood enemy at a Family Holiday Function without Making a Scene. Those who don't feel they can control themselves have a duty to decline the invitations, so that they can spare others embarrassment. Hosts help by providing information, along the lines of "We're inviting everyone in the family, and of course [Insert Name of Blood Enemy Here] will be here, too."

The War on Christmas, Vol. 11, Issue 19

For some time Etiquetteer has had a presence on Facebook, which is the source of today's query: Dear Etiquetteer:

What does Etiquetteer think of the people who are griping about being told "Happy Holidays" instead of Merry Christmas? I think people should just take the salutation at face value, and not get ornery about how it's given!

Dear Greeted:

Etiquetteer, with increasing dismay, has seen something that is really quite trivial become a flashpoint for annoyance. Really, some people take offense at any other holiday greeting but the one that they celebrate themselves. And yet in a democratic society which enjoys Freedom of Religion, it's inevitable that one will encounter at least 12 people who Choose Another Holiday Than One's Own.

You may not be responsible for the behavior of other people, but you are certainly responsible for your own. There's nothing to stop you from replying "And a Merry Christmas to you!" What Etiquetteer finds tedious is lengthening what is supposed to be a brief greeting -- "Merry Christmas!" "And a happy holiday to you, too!" --  into a drawn-out discussion about what holidays one does or does not celebrate and why. It doesn't matter! Can't you all just wish each other well without getting lost in a Quagmire of Specificity?

Actually, for social and professional acquaintances, Etiquetteer does understand. Knowing what holidays a person celebrates helps others to understand that person. Responding to "Happy Holidays!" with "Thank you, I'm looking forward to a beautiful Christmas this year" establishes oneself as a Christmas celebrant* without offering offense. Nor should offense be taken. Further discussion, however, easily becomes unctuous and should be avoided.

Those who truly wish, as the saying goes, "to keep the Christ in Christmas," do so best by receiving greetings other than "Merry Christmas," with Christlike forbearance, in the spirit in which they were intended.

Another issue which Etiquetteer has watched with increasing dismay is the bitter battle between those advocating for and against the display of nativity scenes on public property throughout the United States. This honest disagreement has led many Christians to behave in ways other than what is espoused in Christian doctrine. What is the best way to display Christian values or virtues? Is it insisting on Christian precedence in a nation that enjoys Freedom of Religion? Is it by emphasizing the display aspects of an important holiday over its intended message? Opinions vary widely.

Etiquetteer has come to believe that the best way to display a nativity scene in public is in one's behavior. This is done by treating all one encounters, regardless of sameness to or difference from oneself, with kindness and forgiveness. It also means obeying established rules of behavior, both written and unwritten. For instance, the able-bodied should not be parking in places reserved for the handicapped, bargain hunters should not be switching price tags, and no one should be cutting in line.

Now, let's get on with everyone celebrating the Holidays of Their Choice!

*So many non-Christians celebrate Christmas, Etiquetteer can't really assume that saying you celebrate Christmas establishes you as a Christian.

Declining Charitable Appeals, Vol. 11, Issue 18

Dear Etiquetteer: Have you ever addressed what to do when multiple friends request via email, Facebook, and other social media, donations to their cause of the moment? I receive multiple email requests and reminders throughout my friends' fund-raising process. Although I would love to support each friend and every cause, how do I address the issue? I feel bad ignoring their request and guilty if I cannot support every cause every year for financial reasons. It seems if I donate once then it is expected I will donate every year. Any suggestions or articles you have would be appreciated as the requests are for good causes and many are from good friends that I would like to keep!

Dear Solicited:

Allow Etiquetteer to put you at ease, because your feelings are not unique. For all the hundreds of thousands of fellow citizens who advocate and raise funds for Charities of Their Choice, there are hundreds of thousands more fellow citizens who would rather not make a donation and feel awkward about saying No.  Solicitations come in many forms, from raffle tickets and bake sales to special event tickets and race sponsorships to invitations to join various giving societies. More often than not, the requests won't stop until an answer of some sort is received; many fund-raisers use the equation Silence = Hope. Declining graciously an opportunity to contribute to a friend's cause ends your anxiety and also allows your friend to direct his or her energy toward others who may wish to support that particular cause.

So, what is the most Perfectly Proper thing to say? The most neutral is "Thank you, but I have other charitable priorities right now," which could mean that you're directing your largesse to Charities of Your Choice, saving money for your own purposes, or just scraping by paying your daily expenses.  There is no need at all to specify, and should your friend ask, identify the Charity of Your Choice if you wish, or simply reply "I prefer not to say since I contribute anonymously." By all means, soften the blow by praising the Charity of Their Choice (if you agree with its mission) and thanking your friend for his or her work on its behalf.

It's not uncommon for those who have given in a previous year to be asked again. If you're unable to repeat the donation, it's Perfectly Proper to respond that you were so pleased to contribute in the past, but that your priorities have changed in the current year.

Volunteer fund-raisers are wise to put their friendships first and not continue to press for generosity after being declined. It would be a sad thing if, blinded by Zeal, they dropped you as a friend for your lack of financial support -- but it would be their loss.

It's ironic that Etiquetteer should receive a query about how to decline fund-raising requests, since Etiquetteer is hosting a fund-raising event for the Gibson House Museum on Monday, December 3! Should you be unable to participate in this sophisticated and jolly celebration of the Repeal of Prohibition, you at least know how to give your decline to Etiquetteer with Perfect Propriety.

A Brief Post-Election Message from Etiquetteer, Vol. 11, Issue 17

Etiquetteer calls on all Americans to be gracious in victory or defeat now that this election cycle has concluded. Gloating, taunting, whining, threatening, and name-calling do nothing to forward the United States, or to heal the viciously polarized political rift. Perfect Propriety has its place in reuniting a divided citizenry.

Correcting a Colleague, Vol. 11, Issue 16

Dear Etiquetteer: I am sending you a photo of one of my colleagues who has put his feet up on a table where people are going to eat! What can I say to this man to get him to behave. It's so rude!

Dear Footed:

Your plea reminds Etiquetteer of the plight of a well-known German singer who toured the American Southwest at some point in the late 19th Century. Finding a cowpoke's boot-shod feet between the footlights one night, she interrupted her lazy glissandi to ask his name and whether or not he was in show business. Learning that he was not, in fact, in show business, she rose to her full height, declaimed "THEN WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR [untranslatable] FEET OFF THE STAGE?" and kicked him completely to the floor. Thus did Lili von Shtupp* make her mark in the annals of saloon entertainment.**

Cognoscenti of this column will know that Etiquetteer is rather well acquainted with this man and has had to remonstrate with him on a few occasions about his behavior. What's even more astonishing than his rumpled, self-important fatigue seen here is that the book at right is Cleveland Amory's The Proper Bostonians. As Celeste Talbert famously asked, "How in the name of God is it possible?"

You would certainly be within the bounds of Perfect Propriety to tell your colleague that his feet need to move, especially with the impending arrival of food, as often as need be until the feet are removed. And Etiquetteer knows for a fact that he wiped down that portion of the table. Let's just hope it doesn't happen again.

*The second P would indicate that Fraulein von Shtupp was from the Bavarian branch of the family.

** Cognoscenti will also recognize that this little anecdote comes from the Mel Brooks film Blazing Saddles.

Introductions for the Absent-Minded, Vol. 11, Issue 15

Awhile back, on Etiquetteer's Facebook page (did you know Etiquetteer had a presence on Facebook? Etiquetteer uses it mostly to post relevant media articles about manners, or the lack of them, and the occasional one-line etiquette tip. Please stop by.) Etiquetteer posted a handy tip on social introductions: "When out in public with friends or acquaintances and encountering other friends or acquaintances, always introduce everyone to everyone else. No one likes to be overlooked." To which a reader replied "I would love a suggestion on what to do when I can't recall someone's name and I need to introduce them." And which led another reader to query "A problem arises when the friends you meet know you and you cannot remember ever having seen them before! Etiquetteer, what does one do then? I am quite serious."

This column endeavors to answer these questions. As Ellen Maury Slayden once said (about another situation entirely, but it still applies here): "Keep cool. This is a test of breeding."

Naturally it's very embarrassing to realize that you can't remember someone's name, or even whether or not you know them, or how. Three courses are open to you, once the flames of panic have been suppressed: introduce the other person first (though this may be out of precedence*, Etiquetteer will give you a dispensation), buy time by drawing the out the conversation hoping that a clue will jog your memory, or frankly admit that your memory has failed you. Believe it or not, the latter course is often the better one. A simple "My goodness, this is so embarrassing. I have completely forgotten your name! Please forgive me." ought to win everyone over to your side. It's such a direct appeal for sympathy, and you'll underscore it by maintaining eye contact with that person, and not looking away shamefacedly. You must then, if you can, follow it up with the memory of some kindness that person did for you, to prove that your temporary mental lapse was only the person's name, and not their value to you.

On a more comic note, you could also try the Scarlett O'Hara Approach -- "Every time I have on a new bonnet all the names I ever knew go right slap out of my head!" -- or the Tallulah Bankhead Approach -- "I don't really care what your name is, I just want to call you all Dahling, especially when you come to make love to me at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me." The latter should startle everyone enough that you can make a clean getaway swooping off to the bar.

Whatever you do, don't try to con them into saying their own names by saying "And I've had so much trouble pronouncing your name you'd better introduce yourself." The name you've had "so much trouble pronouncing" might be "Joe Smith."

When you can't even remember who those people are, much less their names, often the best course is to ask "My goodness, I can't even remember the last time I saw you! Where was it? And what have you been up to since?" This puts the onus of the conversation on them, which should lead to many clues.

The real test of breeding is, when you discover that your own name has been forgotten by someone else, passing it off lightly and not taking it to heart. This sort of lapse happens to everyone.

*Precedence for social introductions used to be much more complicated than it is today. Etiquetteer boils it down to these:

• Gentlemen are introduced to ladies. "Mrs. Oldwitch, may I present Mr. Randy Wicket."
• Younger people are introduced to older people. "Miss Dewy Freshness, may I introduce you to Mrs. Raddled Oldwitch?"
• Junior employees are introduced to senior employees or executives, regardless of gender. "Mr. Chairman, I'd like you to meet Jeremy Filing, from the Accounting Department. Jeremy, this is Gerald Chairman."
• Everyone is introduced to elected officials, regardless of gender, age, or rank. "Mr. President, may I present Mrs. Raddled Oldwitch."

It's almost October, which means that the Perfectly Proper are already thinking about their address lists for Christmas, New Year's, or other seasonal greeting cards. Should you have queries on this or other subjects, don't hesitate to reach out to Etiquetteer at queries_at_etiquetteer_dot_com!

Potluck Assignments, Vol. 11, Issue 14

Dear Etiquetteer: I'm part of a community that regularly holds potlucks for holidays and events. Different people coordinate each potluck with loosely organized online spreadsheets for people to list what they'll bring. We often suggest a theme, and our community has a few dietary restrictions, but otherwise we let people bring what they like -- as long as they bring enough for others, of course!

This arrangement has worked well so far. The person coordinating the latest potluck, however, has already decided on a Mexican-themed menu featuring make-your-own tacos. To that end, the person has told people to sign up for specific dishes as well as for specific ingredients -- for example, "fresh diced tomatoes" and "chopped cilantro" for around forty people. The person has also designed the online spreadsheet in a way that discourages people from listing other items.

It seems like poor form to dictate the terms of a so-called "potluck" so carefully, especially given the precedent we've established in our community. It also makes the potluck less fun: we have many members who would have gladly prepared more interesting Mexican dishes. What is your take, Etiquetteer?

Dear Potlucked Out:

Certainly it appears to be sufficiently different from your group's usual practice, which is cause enough for concern. The need for control at a meal one is coordinating but not entirely cooking oneself can be tricky, particularly for meals as large as the number you indicate; probably the worst example can be seen here. Perhaps this is La Reina de México's first time to coordinate for your community potluck? A potluck coordinator does need to be allowed some authority, even when acting as part of a group instead of as an independent host. Still, this sounds unnecessarily limiting, but Etiquetteer doesn't attribute it to bossiness on the part of La Reina de México. This person probably likes tacos, or just thought it would be a good group activity without considering the extensive range of True Mexican Cuisine.

As is so often in the case of manners, Communication is the solution. Those who felt limited by the options available should have communicated privately with La Reina de México to offer other dishes, or at least share concerns from the group about the departure from Standard Operating Procedure. One could ruffle a few feathers by using the spreadsheet differently from its original intent -- Heaven knows Etiquetteer has met enough people who have perverted online surveys and spreadsheets for their own purposes! -- by merely adding unrelated text in a field with one's own comment, such as "I'm going to bring chili con carne for 40 - hope you don't mind!" But Etiquetteer cannot recommend this approach because it will embarrass La Reina de México publicly and unnecessarily. The next time La Reina de México ends up volunteering to coordinate, be sure this person knows that freedom of choice is a central value of your potluck community.

Etiquetteer does have a few rules about potlucks:

1. The host/coordinator should be responsible for the meat dish, since that's often the most expensive. That said, for very large groups like this one, other guests may be assigned meat dishes.
2. If the host/coordinator gives you an assignment that you are unable to fulfill or just plain don't like, communicate with that person privately; this is not a time for "Reply All." Thinking host/coordinators will offer another assignment. Otherwise you might need to plan to visit your friend Bunbury in the country.
3. Arrive on time! Nothing affects the service of a meal more than a portion of that meal not actually being in the house. Be sure to confirm with your host/coordinator at what time the buffet is to be open (as opposed to what time everyone is to arrive) so that you can plan accordingly.
4. The portion of the meal you bring should be ready to serve when you arrive in the house. Do not expect to prepare and cook it when you get there. The only preparation that should be required is to uncover it, and heat it if necessary. This is especially true for salads and other dishes that require lots of chopping, mincing, or shredding. No kitchen has infinite counter space, you have no idea how many people may be fighting to use the one cutting board in the house, and the host/coordinator will still be preparing the meat dish. This is probably why Etiquetteer continues to find casseroles the best potluck food.
5. It is kind, but not required, to offer to help with the dishes. That said, expect to take home dirty the serving items you brought.
6. Don't quarrel over the leftovers. It's so petty.

Returning Wedding Gifts, Vol. 11, Issue 13

Dear Etiquetteer: I recently sent a very nice gift for my niece's bridal shower. Unfortunately, the wedding was called off shortly thereafter.

A few weeks later, the mother of the groom sent me a gift card to "compensate" me for my gift and my inconvenience. I am the only one in my extended family who received such "compensation." I suspect she sent it because we occasionally run into each other in the same social circles. Although I don't care about the money, the gift card is actually for much less than the cost of the gift.

I was offended that the groom's mother sent me the gift card because I do not feel it was her place to step in. My niece should have been the one to communicate with her own family. I would have preferred not to hear at all from the groom's mother. My current concern is what to do with the gift card. Should I keep it or return it to the groom's mother? I really don't want her gift card, so if I return it, what should I say?

Dear Unregifted:

A few years ago Etiquetteer was invited to a wedding. About three weeks before the wedding day Etiquetteer received a card in the mail that matched the wedding stationery with the announcement that

The wedding between

Miss Dewy Freshness

and

Mr. Manley Firmness

will not take place.

Underneath and to the left one found the sentence "All gifts will be returned."  Because let's face it, the first thought one has when learning of such a thing is "Am I going to get back that gift on which I spent so much money?"

It appears that your niece and her family have observed neither of these necessary social niceties, something you may want to take up with whichever Parent of the Bride is your Sibling. In the event that your niece does marry, Etiquetteer would absolve you from giving another shower gift -- but acknowledges that other etiquette writers may differ.

The involvement of the groom's mother certainly muddies the water. It's really not her business, but Etiquetteer has some sympathy with her, having been put in an awkward position (the cancellation of her son's wedding) through no fault of her own. And for all Etiquetteer knows, this lady has already raised the issue of returning gifts with the former bride-to-be and her family. Since you haven't yet received your gift back, the results may not have been satisfactory to her, prompting her to send gift cards to all her relatives and friends who sent gifts as well as to you. Etiquetteer does wish, however, that the lady hadn't used the term "compensation," which suggests that you needed to be paid for your troubles.

By all means return the gift card, but cut the lady some slack. Send the card back with a Lovely Note thanking her for thinking of you, but suggesting that you don't feel quite right keeping and using this gift card since your bridal shower gift to your niece was freely given. It's also Perfectly Proper to express sympathy with this lady over the cancellation of the wedding, and best wishes for the future happiness of her son.

Interacting With the Homeless, Vol. 11, Issue 12

Dear Etiquetteer: How does one politely rouse and roust a passed-out drunk/drug addict whose prone form is making your steps impassable? (I am afraid that I was sufficiently exercised by this that I did not act with perfect propriety.)

Dear Impeded:

Etiquetteer can assure you that this is without doubt the most original query ever received. (Those who would like to test Etiquetteer's mettle are invited to do so by submitting queries to <queries_at_etiquetteer_dot_com>.)

City dwellers are more likely to experience such encounters with those who are more compassionately referred to as "the homeless" and with less political correctness (but perhaps more accuracy) as "vagrants." Your interest in asking how to interact politely in such a situation shows the conflict between wanting to recognize the dignity of our common humanity, anger at trespassing on your property, fear of becoming too greatly involved in the troubles of another, and fear of violence against your person.

Etiquetteer remembers many years ago thundering down the interior stairs of his apartment building to find a homeless person sleeping inside the first floor hallway. You may be sure that Etiquetteer was scared to death discovering this situation, especially at a high rate of speed. That person awoke, or something . . . and all Etiquetteer can really remember is repeating over and over "You can't stay here, you can't stay here!" before fleeing the building. Needless to say, this was not Etiquetteer's Proudest Moment. At least Etiquetteer was able to depart. You, on the other hand, are quite literally held captive by the situation.

People can be placed in one of three groups in interactions with the homeless: the Compassionate*, whose first thought is to help; the Neutral, who bear no ill will but don't want to be inconvenienced; and Those Who Do Not Want to Be Bothered, which pretty much Says It All. Regardless of how you place yourself in these groups, your safety is most important. If you don't feel safe at any time, Etiquetteer encourages you to call local law enforcement. But be prepared for them not to make your call an immediate priority.

Your first move in this interaction should be courteous but authoritative. Based on your description, you will have to jostle this person with the door gently, but with increasing firmness, frequency, and calls of "Excuse me please," and/or "I'm sorry, you can't stay here," until they are conscious. They will then either leave, or try to engage you in conversation. How you choose to react to that will depend entirely on into which of the three groups you belong. But if it's the latter two, Etiquetteer encourages you not to give way to temper and merely repeat and repeat "I'm sorry, I can't help you. Please leave." If you are in a hurry, Etiquetteer must tell you to resign yourself to being late.

If you wish, provide information about resources available to the homeless in your community. (It helps to have this handy; Etiquetteer does not like to think of this being a frequent occurrence in your neighborhood, but if so, you might consider compiling such information into a card or brochure.)

Etiquetteer will conclude by noting that there are many wicked and anonymous people on the Internet who have suggested getting rid of the homeless by means of poison, bullets, booby traps, etc. Such suggestions do NOT contribute to the discussion. Almost all homeless people do not want to be homeless. The National Alliance to End Homelessness provides much information about the homeless population in the United States, and sobering information it is. If nothing else, this experience is certainly an opportunity to reflect on your own good fortune.

* Christians are taught to see the face of Jesus in every person, and treat them accordingly. Possibly those who transgress against this view should be subjected to repeated viewings of Pay It Forward.

Today is Labor Day, and Etiquetteer expects you to join him in sending off your white linen to the dry cleaners in anticipation of Memorial Day next year. We now return to all fabrics but linen and seersucker, veering more to heavier wools (and velvet for the ladies) as the temperature plunges. Etiquetteer welcomes your queries about What to Wear with Perfect Propriety at <queries_at_etiquetteer_dot_com>.