Jury Duty, the Queen, and Lady Bird, Vol. 6, Issue 23

Etiquetteer has been gravely disappointed in three recent news stories that show how Perfect Propriety is being compromised in the courtroom, ostensibly one of the last places any kind of Dignity is required in public.

Too many Americans consider only their rights and not their duties as citizens. The right to vote, for instance, involves the duty of actually showing up at the polls to vote. Trial by jury is one of the most valuable freedoms we have in the United States. Jury duty, though frequently inconvenient, should therefore be treated respectfully. All of us have heard stories about how sundry citizens have tried to get out of jury duty, but the blatant lying of Massachusetts resident Daniel Ellis left Etiquetteer breathless with indignation. Describing himself as a homophobe, a racist, and a habitual liar, Mr. Ellis overplayed his hand. ," Barnstable Superior Court Judge Gary Nickerson was quoted in the preliminary transcript saying he had "never confronted such a brazen situation of an individual attempting to avoid juror service."

Having made it onto a jury, jurors then have a duty actually to pay attention to the trial and deliberate honestly and thoughtfully with fellow jurors. Using a court trial as a chance to catch up on your iPod listening is shocking. Cloaking this bad behavior with religious headgear comes as close to heresy as Etiquetteer can imagine. But this is exactly what an unnamed Muslim woman did while serving on a jury in Blackfriars Central Court, London. Under cover of her hijab, this Reluctant Juror tuned out the trial and tuned in the Music of Her Choice. Undone by the sound leaking out (one would think she’d have thought of that), she has now been cited for contempt of court and comes to a trial of her own on July 23.

Etiquetteer hopes that both of these jury shirkers get clapped in jail.

As if these instances didn’t compromise Perfect Propriety enough, comes now the story of Hamilton County (Ohio) Municipal Court Judge Ted Berry. When a hearty F-bomb was dropped on him by a convicted pothead sentenced to 30 days, Judge Berry unfortunately responded in kind. While sympathizing with the judge, who was clearly provoked, Etiquetteer cannot condone that sort of behavior from one whose manners set the tone for the entire courtroom.

Dear Etiquetteer:

How does one properly ask a crowned head of state to remove his or her crown?

Dear Saucy:

One does not! Off with your head!

Etiquetteer knows (as who could not?) that you refer to the alleged tiff between Elizabeth II and Annie Liebowitz. Thank goodness it was determined that it never occurred and that the docuumentary had been edited out of sequence and that Her Majesty didn’t really behave that way. Etiquetteer was irresistibly reminded of the Queen’s ancestress, Queen Victoria, who once ordered a photographer from the room when he instructed her to "try to look pleasant."

Etiquetteer was saddened to read of the death of Lady Bird Johnson, one of the most dignified and hospitable of First Ladies. Of the many challenges to Perfect Propriety she faced while in Washington, Etiquetteer could not help but recall her interaction with singer Eartha Kitt. Etiquetteer’s mother always said "When you lose your temper, you lose your point." La Kitt could have benefited from that knowledge during one of Lady Bird’s "Women Doers" luncheons at the White House. (How quaint it must have sounded, in those far-off days of the 1960s, that women could do anything. Thank goodness we’ve seen some progress on that front!) Using the luncheon’s topic of "crime in the city" as an opportunity sound off about the Vietnam War, La Kitt angrily suggested that young Americans were smoking pot to keep from getting drafted. During this tirade, Lady Bird successfully suppressed the visceral urge to respond and instead reminded herself "Be calm, be dignified." Indeed, what better reminder for us all?

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Travel Advisory: Etiquetteer travels by air, Vol. 6, Issue 24

This column also appeared in the July 12, 2007, edition of The Times of Southwest Louisiana.

Etiquetteer has weathered a number of challenges to Perfect Propriety, but Modern Air Travel recently took Etiquetteer for a ride, mounting roadblocks of all kinds. How Etiquetteer ever arrived at his final destination – albeit a day late and without a bow tie – with Perfect Propriety intact remains a mystery.

Negotiating with a cabby for whom English is not a first language is something one expects in Manhattan and foreign countries, not in one’s own town. Negotiating with a cabby for whom English is not a first language who wants to use a route one knows to be twice as expensive is something Etiquetteer wouldn’t wish on his worst friend. Etiquetteer got his way, of course, but then had to listen to a heavily-accented diatribe about it for ten minutes. If this is "celebrating cultural diversity," Etiquetteer has had quite enough.

Etiquetteer arrived at the airport looking Perfectly Proper for summer travel: blue seersucker suit, white bucks, crisply pressed shirt, bow tie, and Panama hat. Security screening required Etiquetteer to strip off just about half of his clothes. The family of four completing their post-screening toilette at the mouth of the metal detector managed to inconvenience just about everyone. While it’s never easy to finish dressing in public at a folding table, Etiquetteer must insist that you continue moving down the table with your belongings to speed this annoying process for everyone.

It’s one thing to board a plane, another to sit on it with no information as the clock inexorably ticks long past the departure time. The waiting becomes even more intolerable when one is squashed against the window seat in the last row of a slowly heating aircraft. Within 15 minutes the tie was sacrificed to the mounting heat in the cabin. After an unacceptably long delay with no information, the pilot crackled over the intercom that the plane would be rerouted due to bad weather, but that the reroute had not yet been completed and they didn’t expect it for at least another 20 minutes. This did at least give the cabin crew an opportunity to serve us parched passengers little cups of ice water. Etiquetteer applauds the flight attendants, who certainly endured this ordeal with Professional Aplomb. Etiquetteer was beginning to wilt.

Having departed over 80 minutes late, Etiquetteer knew he would miss his connecting flight. The rude shock that it was the last flight of the day and that the airline would not provide accommodations for stranded travelers (since the delay was not the airline's fault) sent Etiquetteer right up to the ragged edge of Perfect Propriety. All that was left to do was head for the restaurant and get a Suitably Large Cocktail and dinner. It would have been lovely if the restaurant kitchen hadn’t closed just as Etiquetteer arrived. This led Etiquetteer into line at the quickly-closing pizzeria behind two Gentlemen Older than Etiquetteer. After many questions about ingredients (at a pizzeria . . . honestly), they swept up the last two remaining sandwiches, leaving Etiquetteer with only cheese pizza and a Bad Attitude.

Cell phones have completely changed the way we travel and communicate, both for good and ill. The anxiety of having to wait in line to use a pay phone to call family or friends, who would have to be home to receive the call, is now past. Instead we have the anxieties of not having the cell phone numbers of family at the destination airport and of not having anywhere to recharge one’s phone before it completely loses power. There is also the necessity of having to take calls from those one will meet under any circumstances. Etiquetteer found it necessary to take three cell phone calls during "dinner" at the airport to confirm and reconfirm arrangements for the following day. At least Etiquetteer was not in the restroom at the time.

So with security requirements, flight delays, missed connections, and restaurants snapping shut like clams, Etiquetteer thinks it’s a marvel anyone can travel with Perfect Propriety unscathed. Next time Etiquetteer may well take the train.

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Random Issues, Vol. 6, Issue 23

Dear Etiquetteer:

So, where are you really supposed to put your napkin after dinner? Do you put it on the table or on your seat? We got into this discussion after dinner one night ‘cause we were all using paper napkins and they looked gross.

Dear Dabbing:

This is why Etiquetteer really doesn’t like paper napkins. Not only do they fall on the floor, they do not hold up well if the meal is, uh, moist. One of Etiquetteer’s favorite pub foods is buffalo wings. Most of us know how easy it is to use an entire stack of paper napkins going through a plate of those!

No matter the material of the napkin, its Perfectly Proper place at the end of the meal is to the left of your plate, not on your seat. When paper napkins get particularly messy, Etiquetteer is sometimes driven to slipping them into his pants pockets, but this is really a Desperate Measure . . . and not an option for a lady in a skirt.

Dear Etiquetteer:

What is the proper way to deal with friends who blog with wild abandon, and include one's private matters in their online diaries? If one highly values one's privacy, is the only solution to curtail social contact with the blogging folks? How does one make it clear to cyber-exhibitionists that one does not wish to be the subject of their reporting?

Dear Exposed:

Your life doesn't become a blogger's property, even the parts of it you choose to spend with and/or in confide in him or her. As soon as you read or become aware of references to yourself in someone's blog, you should contact the blogger and request that those references be removed immediately. Repeat as necessary until the appropriate action has been taken, up to and including legal assistance. (Indeed, Etiquetteer became aware of an amateur photographer who had been threatened with a lawsuit if he didn't remove photos of a former friend from his blog.)

If you feel, after repeated instances of this behavior, that your private life is no longer truly private, Etiquetteer can only recommend that you no longer communicate with this person without witnesses.

Dear Etiquetteer:

A few months ago, we were talking about mailing a letter to a lawyer and his wife who's a doctor and you said the names should always be alphabetical, not Mr. first and Ms. second. But now we're down to the nitty gritty of wedding invitations and I have a few questions. I normally start with Mr. and Mrs., but here are the questions:

Mr. Arturo Swisserswatter and Ms. Igotta Cacciabutti (married couple -- should Mrs. come first?)

Mr. Galahad Familyman and Ms. Prunaprismia Amanuensis (not married, living together, one address, one invitation, but should our son Galahad come first?)

Ms. Antoinette Outlier and Mr. Lancelot Britlington (my married niece and her husband -- again, with different names, but I feel that my niece should come first).

I admit to different rules (in one case husband first, in another case the relative first). But what is the perfectly proper way to handle it? Or does it really matter?

Dear Familyman Patriarch:

Taking your examples one by one:

Ms. Igotta Cacciabutti

Mr. Arturo Swisserswatter

Yes, this is in fact correct, even though you and I were always taught that the gentleman comes first.

Mr. Galahad Familyman

Ms. Prunaprismia Amanuensis

Etiquetteer admits that ordinarily they should be listed alphabetically, but since this is a family wedding invitation and Galahad is the family member . . . well, Etiquetteer thinks that's a good enough reason to list him first. Etiquetteer has seen some universities list the name of the alumnus first and then the spouse, whether or not the last names are in alphabetical order. This seems a universal enough precedent to Etiquetteer to apply here.

Ms. Antoinette Outlier

Mr. Lancelot Britlington

Again, family may come first for a family wedding.

To answer your last question, you'd be surprised to whom it matters! People will interpret slights over the least little thing, especially at weddings.

Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify <at> etiquetteer.com.