Dear Etiquetteer:
What is one to do with a colleague who constantly draws attention to one’s clothing choices? One’s hat or one’s tie being called out are examples. The thing of it is, it isn’t mockery but running commentary that makes one feel self-conscious because it happens every day with comments such as “I didn’t recognize you without your hat — what’s the matter?” Or a monologue about the difficulty he would have about tying his own bow tie and thus would never wear one. If these were one-off incidents they would be of no consequence, but the person seems to make a point of these observations, offering variations every chance he gets. I live in a small community so it is impossible to avoid this person, who chooses to dress casually and seems to be passively aggressively hinting that I should adopt his shirtsleeves style.
It is making me uncomfortable, but since he is not being overtly insulting it warrants diplomacy. I would love to say something like, “Thank you for your attention, I’ve been meaning to ask you, where can one purchase a pair of overalls around here?” — but know that that would be rude. Is there nothing to be done but grinning and bearing?
Dear Well-Dressed and Beleaguered:
“The best revenge is dressing well,*” until it means being pecked to death by envious sloths. Because he is envious, as his interest shows. At least you see no overt malice in your colleague’s commentary. One faculty wife knew well how to plant her darts on Ellen Wilson when Woodrow was president of Princeton. “Why Mrs. Wilson, every year you look sweeter in that brown dress!” defines the Back-Handed Compliment — ouch!
But two can play at this game, and it’s time to move the spotlight from your wardrobe to your colleague’s interest in your wardrobe. With an air of kindness, turn the tables with a couple questions. “You always seem so intimidated by what I’m wearing. Why is that? Oh no, you must be, since you mention something every day.” If he comments on a specific piece, like your hat, ask him if he’s thinking about getting one and offer to suggest shops. When he demurs, point out how often he’s brought it up. Ask him why he thinks dressing well is a burden**.
If he is implying that you should dress down, there’s no reason you shouldn’t counter that he could dress properly. “You’d be surprised how little effort it takes!” can be delivered with wide-eyed ingenuity. Etiquetteer has heard it all about bow ties, and suggests you carry a spare for “emergencies.” Next time he mentions how difficult they are, produce your spare and offer to teach him on the spot. “You’ve mentioned this so many times I’ve decided you need to conquer your fears and I’m going to show you how it’s done.” He will either convert to bow ties, never bring up the subject again, or call Human Resources (in which case you’ll demolish him).
Eventually you may have to have a Discussion About Feelings with your colleague, explain that the commentary has become tedious whatever his intentions are, and insist that he focus his attention instead on common interests. Short of converting him to dressing well, Etiquetteer wishes you more collegial conversations, and sprucer colleagues.
*Isn’t that the old saying? If it isn’t it ought to be.
**So many men think so. It’s not true.