“When rich people do something nice for you, you give ’em a pot of jam.” — Trent in Six Degrees of Separation
Dear Etiquetteer:
I wonder what your thoughts are on hostess gifts? In my mind they fall into two categories: a gift to bring to a meal (dinner party) or a gift for a weekend stay (or even longer).
Dear Entertained:
Your query (and a recent hostess gift, of which more later) led Etiquetteer to rifle the archives and turn up some thoughts on hostess gifts from Volume 13, particularly thoughts on flowers and wine and Etiquetteer’s preference for a thank-you note instead (which you may read here) and about gifts of food here.
People sometimes forget that a hostess gift, as a rule, is a gift for the hosts to enjoy at their leisure, and there’s no obligation to use or consume it at the party. Be aware of your intentions when you choose that bottle of wine or bake those brownies.
That’s a bit different for overnight houseguests, particularly in vacation houses. As a general rule, the more remote the vacation house, the more useful the gift, because transportation is so challenging. In 1966, Cecil Beaton told the story of driving 50 miles to photograph the painter Georgia O’Keefe at her desert home.* The isolated location meant she had to provide lunch for Beaton and his assistant (“You’d better have your lunch here as you won’t be able to get it anywhere else.”). She requested cheese when he asked her what else to bring. “Yes, 50 miles is a long way to motor for cheese.”** Beaton also brought her an impossible desert rarity, a bunch of carnations — which his biographer Hugo Vickers revealed were really regifted from an arrangement sent to him by Diana Vreeland’s son.*** Remember dahlings, never regift in such a way that the regifting may be discovered — even by your biographer.
There seems to be an aversion now for “dust-gathering” gifts, so knickknacks might not be the best choice. For vacation houses, particularly those where children live or are welcome, rainy day distractions might be well received, like puzzles or games****. But top-notch foodstuffs should always be welcome, like cheeses or chocolates or delicatessen hampers . . .
. . . or a pot of really superb jam, as our friend Trent advises in Six Degrees of Separation. And Etiquetteer knows from experience that it’s a good idea! Recently Etiquetteer hosted a small lunch for rarely-seen friends. They brought a small bag of four tiny jars of different jams, absolutely exquisite . . . and then sent a Lovely Note, too. What could be more Perfectly Proper?
*Granted, this was not an overnight stay, and it was a business rather than a social call, but the remoteness of her home is the point.
**Beaton in the Sixties: The Cecil Beaton Diaries as He Wrong Them 1965-1969, with introduction by Hugo Vickers, page 170.
***Cecil Beaton: A Biography, by Hugo Vickers, page 508.
****This and other good suggestions may be found in Letitia Baldrige’s New Manners for New Times: A Complete Guide to Etiquette, 2003.