“In life as in art, old respected values were the first to go. New conventions were born. A certain savage frenzy, offspring of the war’s brutality, replaced decorum. Manners became freer. The clever insult replaced the gallant compliment.” — Robert Fizdale and Arthur Gold, Misia (1981), writing about the years after World War I
Which would you rather receive, bouquets or brambles? One little aspect of our callousness toward each other is our cultural preference for snark over kindness. To be able to express “esteem, respect, affection, or admiration” simply and sincerely from the heart — well really! The compliment is one of the least appreciated weapons in the arsenal of Perfect Propriety, and it could be so useful to fighting off the tide of Ugliness that laps at our heels every blessed day.
A compliment doesn’t have to be clever; too many people get hung up on that. “I thought you did a wonderful job on [Insert Achievement Here]” may not have sparkle, but it conveys esteem as quietly and calmly as old family silver. That’s all it takes!
Two things make a good compliment: sincerity and purity. You really have to mean a compliment; it can’t just come “from the lips outward,” as Ellen Maury Slayden used to say. If you don’t really mean what you say, people will know. By purity Etiquetteer means a compliment needs to be free of ulterior motives. In other words, if your principal purpose in giving a compliment is to get something back, that’s more a blandishment, and you might want to rethink that*. (Etiquetteer asks the question “Complimentary or Creepy?” here.)
Perhaps it’s because people associate giving compliments only with Beauty? We have many more facets of ourselves besides Appearance — Achievement, for instance — and besides, Beauty conceals many faults. Long ago in school days, Etiquetteer remembers complimenting too excessively over the course of a semester the appearance of a female classmate. (Come to think of it, Etiquetteer could have been perceived as blandishing; the teenage years are so awkward.) Eventually she got fed up with this and shot back angrily “Is that the only thing good about me?” or some such. Chastened, Etiquetteer retreated, reflected, and eventually realized that yes, her appearance was the only good thing about her. This classmate was just an Angry Little Witch who knew how to wear clothes, and Etiquetteer gave her a wide berth after that.
But if giving a compliment is a lost art, so is the skill of receiving one. Too many people are caught off guard when they receive one — another sign that we might be kinder to each other. People forget that one compliment doesn’t require another, merely acknowledgment. All one needs to say is “Thank you” or “Thank you kindly.” To some that feels inadequate, but Etiquetteer assures you it is Perfectly Proper Indeed. You may wish to add “That’s very kind of you” if you feel your thanks need embellishment. Otherwise, change the subject to something else entirely.
Etiquetteer wishes you the reassuring and sincere exchange of compliments.
*Etiquetteer will always associate that word with Rudyard Kipling’s surpassingly ugly Commissioner Anthony Barr-Saggott, in “Cupid’s Arrows:” “Socially, he was like a blandishing gorilla.” Let that be a warning.