“I’m a hugger!” exuberantly announces the Hugger, arms stretched wide to suffocate a New Acquaintance in an embrace, as though that simple announcement excused not caring whether the recipient is a hugger or not. Nope, sorry — that is not Perfectly Proper. One doesn’t say “I’m a tonguer!” with the same insouciance, does one?
National Hugging Day, while created “to help everyone show more emotion in public*,” may also be used as a helpful reminder that Consent, as the children say nowadays, is Sexy. “Are you a hugger?” is a better way to start a hug with someone new — and then to accept their hand when they gracefully say “No, but I’m so pleased to meet you.”
It’s interesting to note how hugging is more widely acknowledged than hitherto. One hundred years ago Emily Post doesn’t even include it in her first edition of Etiquette**. Fast forward to this century and her descendants include four sensitive and incisive paragraphs, both recognizing the value of the hug among consenting participants and allowing non-huggers to have their wishes respected.***
Etiquetteer was sure the pandemic would put an end to the handshake altogether; a simple bow is so much more dignified and involves zero bodily contact. But it endures nevertheless, and how one shakes hands continues to make an impression. Offering a “dead” hand with no energy still puts people off. H. Peter Kriendler, proprietor of the 21 Club, recalled how Adlai Stevenson lost his vote for President in “21”: Every Day Was New Year’s Eve: “I was for Adlai — until I met him. When I shook his hand and found it as limp as a dead fish, I said to myself ‘How the hell can I vote for this guy when he doesn’t even give you a proper handshake?’ It was the first time I voted for a Republican.”****
Conversely, a Bone-Crushing Grip is just as rude. President James K. Polk, who never enjoyed robust health but couldn’t avoid shaking hands, developed a strategy to protect himself. Whenever he spotted a potential Bone-Crusher, he would initiate the handshake himself, grabbing the Bone-Crusher’s fingers near the fingertips. It worked.***** Ladies may avoid this altogether by holding a bouquet, First Lady Edith Roosevelt’s stratagem. Florence Harding was too much a woman of the people for that, but had to ice her hands afterward to reduce the swelling.
Emily Post describes a Perfectly Proper handshake best******, and includes the equally important element of eye contact: “A proper handshake is made briefly; but there should be a feeling of strength and warmth in the clasp, and as in bowing, one should at the same time look into the countenance of the person whose hand one takes.” Etiquetteer wishes you many happy and Perfectly Proper greetings.
*Is that a good idea? Etiquetteer supposes that hugging is a much better way to show in emotion in public than, say, attempting to overthrow the government, but still.
**To Etiquetteer’s amusement, she does complain about saying “Hello.” “On very informal occasions, it is the present fashion to greet an intimate friend with ‘Hello!’ This seemingly vulgar salutation is made acceptable by the tone in which it is said.”
*** Emily Post’s Etiquette: The Centennial Edition, by Lizzie Post and Daniel Post Senning, page 21.
**** Page 164.
*****Etiquetteer is frantic at not being able to locate the reference to this!
******Etiquette (1922), page 20.