Dear Etiquetteer:
I have always felt responsible hosting is built on a foundation of good early preparation. How early should items like napkins, silverware, etc. be made ready for a gathering? Is getting everything on hand ready in bulk for a season without specific scheduled use best or should items be curated from storage and made ready per event? I recall some eyebrow-raising dinners in the past where the host set the table beautifully but so far in advance the items were dusty.
How should a guest handle dining table dust or, worse, discovering an item of table or drink ware is in poor repair or broken and unusable?
Thank you for your advice.
Dear Entertaining:
Your use of the word “responsible” irresistibly reminded Etiquetteer of Dear Mother’s admonitions to “be a good steward.” By that she meant keeping all one’s possessions clean and in good repair, and especially “a place for everything and everything in its place,” so that things could be found instantly when needed. And not having to search in a panic for things like the good napkins with guests 15 minutes away makes entertaining smoother and happier. What could be more Perfectly Proper?
The short answer to your question is “Both.” Starting whatever your busy season is with a general inventory and cleaning of your party equipment will make your pre-party review of specific things you need more efficient. Maidcraft, a 1937 volume on housekeeping and domestic staff training, suggests checking over all the silver once a week (assuming that silver in daily use is polished as needed)*. Stanley Ager and Fiona St. Aubyn recommend a monthly polishing in A Butler’s Guide to Running the Home and Other Graces (1980)**.
But if you aren’t using your silver on a regular basis, go over it at least a week before any party so you have leisure to polish every piece that needs it. Why does Etiquetteer suggest this? Because a lunch for five last weekend required Etiquetteer to polish 30 pieces of silver the night before . . . not what Etiquetteer would have preferred to do. The same should apply to your other party equipment. Etiquetteer leaves ironing the white damask tablecloths to the professionals, but if they are carried home from the cleaners too casually, that work is for nought.
Glassware should certainly be checked over at least two days before a party, but to set the table so far in advance that dust has gathered in them . . . sweet mercy goodness, Etiquetteer thought your hostess must have been Miss Havisham! Etiquetteer recommends not actually setting the table until the day before at the earliest, and after the house has been dusted. But that may be done more confidently if you are aware of the condition of your equipment before you begin.
We’ve all heard about “spring cleaning,”** but a good brisk vigorous seasonal cleaning before whatever your household’s busiest season is**** should also include evaluating, cleaning, and repairing any party equipment that needs attention. And that process is easier when things are cleaned, polished, or ironed before they are put away after use.
If you find yourself at a dining table with unsafe items, and you can’t unobtrusively fix the problem yourself (for instance, by using your napkin to clean a piece of silver unseen in your lap), you are within your rights to ask your hosts for a replacement. It’s important, however, to do so in a way that doesn’t embarrass them. People forget that private homes are not restaurants, and it isn’t polite to speak to your hosts as though they were waiters. (And maybe you shouldn’t speak to the waiter that way, either.)
Finally, Cheryl Mendelson’s Home Comforts: The Art & Science of Keeping House (1999) is a comprehensive and helpful guide to all these questions and many more. Etiquetteer can’t recommend it highly enough.
Etiquetteer wishes you dining tables gleaming and sparkling with perfection, and Perfect Propriety.
*Page 74.
**Page 45.
***In Edith Wharton’s The House of Mirth, Mrs. Peniston returns to her New York house every October. “The first two weeks after her return represented to Mrs. Peniston the domestic equivalent of a religious retreat. She “went through” the linen and blankets in the precise spirit of the penitent exploring the inner folds of conscience; she sought for moths as the stricken soul seeks for lurking infirmities.” In Etiquetteer’s case, substitute tarnish and red wine stains for moths.
****It could be the holiday season, or the time of year when you have the most visiting houseguests, not just the spring.