Alas, interruptions by cellphone and other handheld devices are still part of public life. This violinist's dazzling response to his solo being interrupted by a Nokia ringtone leaves Etiquetteer in awe:
Would that all such situations allowed such an elegant response!
The Academy Awards take place tonight, one of the great televised rituals of the American year (the others being the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and the Super Bowl, of course). The grandfather of all televised award shows, Americans love it - and love to hate it - for its red carpet parade of fashions, its cheesy dancer numbers, snappy (and sometimes abusive) patter from a host comedian, and its creaking length. What was once an industry dinner dance with cameras changed over the decades into a full-blown production. The show's length is now due less to rambling acceptance speeches than it used to be (Etiquetteer vaguely remembers that Greer Garson's clocked in at something like 22 minutes!), but there was a time when it was sadly fashionable to use the Oscar podium for political statements. Oscar-winning actress Joan Crawford was interviewed at Town Hall on April 8, 1973, and criticized the change in the demeanor of the Oscars thus (beginning at 3:40):
"Let's talk about the Academy Awards. I think everyone tried to have the cutes, and each one who came after the couple before tried to be funnier. The dignity and the beauty of the Academy Awards, I must say, has been lost without the Gregory Pecks and the Charlton Hestons. The Gregory Pecks come on, the Frank Sinatras come on . . . they come on with dignity and they set the stage, really, for what everyone else should do. Some don't. And this year I was appalled at the behavior of everyone, including Mr. Brando."
What did Marlon Brando do that was so appalling? It wasn't that he didn't attend when he was nominated for his performance in The Godfather (nor could Joan Crawford have Wagged an Admonitory Digit at him for that, as she was famously home in bed the year she won Best Actress for Mildred Pierce). Brando found a young Apache woman names Sacheen Littlefeather to speak on his behalf in case he won. Etiquetteer doesn't say "accept," because Mr. Brando didn't intend to accept the Oscar, but to decline it in an ostentatious way to call attention to the way Native Americans were treated by the film industry:
Needless to say, this provoked outrage in Hollywood and beyond, as did Vanessa Redgrave's acceptance speech a few years later, when she won Best Supporting Actress for Julia. Note her reference to "Zionist hoodlums" at 2:54:
Now, back to Joan Crawford at Town Hall. Later in that wonderful interview, she really summed up well Perfect Propriety for Oscar winners (beginning at 6:41):
"I think people who go on the Academy Awards and . . . oh brother! Just accept and be grateful for the honor, and don't try and get on national television and make your pleas, and never discuss politics or religion."
For those viewing tonight, Etiquetteer wishes you a Perfectly Proper Oscarthon!
Dear Etiquetteer: If Etiquetteer would do away with one aspect of modern technology, what would it be?
Dear Teched:
It would be the way people give precedence to people interacting with them via modern technology over people interacting with them in person. (Etiquetteer supposes this is really an aspect of the usage of modern technology rather than an aspect of technology itself, but will leave that to the hair-splitters.)
How many times have any of us been out and about with others only to have them actively engaged on their devices communicating with Those Dear and Far Away as opposed to us, the Near and Dear?
How many friends have we tried to talk with while they fail at surreptitiously glancing in their laps to read and send text messages?
How many dinner companions have we watched not just photograph their dinner (a relatively harmless trend borne of digital photography), but then post the photo to social media, and then wait for and interact with those commenting on the photo?
How many dinner parties have been derailed by focusing on a "phonestack" while everyone waits for (and perhaps bets on) a guest to weaken and respond to one's device?
How many quiet moments on public transportation have been shattered by fellow passengers with Music Loud Enough to Distinguish Lyrics blasting from earbuds firmly lodged in their ears?
How many times has one's view been blocked at a concert or performance by someone holding up their smartphone to record the whole thing, regardless of those seated in back?
How many checkout lines have been delayed by a customer calling a friend or family member to confirm something hasn't been forgotten - or just by being on the phone?
To all this, Etiquetteer can only say, stop it at once! Be with the people you're with! Show them the consideration of your attention and engagement. Not just your friends, family, and companions, but also the working people you interact with during the day: bus drivers, waiters and waitresses, cashiers, receptionists, ushers, bakers, clerks, salespeople, missionaries, tourists, law enforcement, house cleaners - everyone!
In other words, HANG UP AND LIVE! And don't make Etiquetteer come after you . . .
Dear Etiquetteer: At work, most Fridays, the company provides bagels for breakfast. Many times, I've already eaten breakfast. Is it appropriate to take a bagel home and eat it on Saturday? Would it make a difference if I waited until 10ish, when most of the bagels are gone?
Dear Bageled:
It's ironic that your query should arrive on this particular Friday, as Etiquetteer's own workplace is nearly impassable with free food - from farewell breakfasts, from a caterer's bountiful tasting, from Heaven knows what else.
Etiquetteer believes that priority should be given to those who intend to consume provided food immediately, and so endorses your waiting until just after the breakfast rush to select a bagel to enjoy later. You show exceptional and courteous restraint. Etiquetteer, in over 25 years in the work force, has seen some appalling behavior around free food in the workplace. Circling like vultures for the kill doesn't even begin to describe it . . .
On days of Exceptional Bounty, the best time to head to the office kitchen would be 4:30 PM to package any desired leftovers for the journey home. While only very few might snarl, you'll be blessed with gratitude from your poor colleague whose responsibility it is to clean the kitchen the next day.
Dear Etiquetteer: True story: An family relative recently lost her husband. She sent me a few pictures of him as a young boy, and a copy of the obituary and a card with a personal note. I have not written her back anything yet, as terrible as that sounds. You see, she's been a complete narcissistic maniac to my parents in the years before her husband's death, calling them at all hours, asking for large sums of money, screaming that they wouldn't miss the money, waking them up in the middle of the night with hysterical phone calls screeching at them about how mistreated she has been because they won't send her money. My parents have cut her off and tragically had to sever the family relationship. I know what a basket case she can be and I don't want to open that can of worms by being in contact with her, for fear she'll begin to call me. In solidarity with my parent's, I've not written her back anything. What is the proper thing to do? Send a sympathy card, or remain silent?
Dear Contacted:
Under the circumstances, and as callous as this may sound to some, Etiquetteer believes you did the right thing in declining to respond to your Virago Relative's obituary correspondence. Loyalty to your parents should take precedence, and Virago's previous behavior speaks for itself.
Every family has its Eccentric - indeed, Etiquetteer might be considered the eccentric in his family - but there are Eccentrics and there are Eccentrics. Reading your letter, Etiquetteer immediately called to mind the late Paul Swan, known during his lifetime as "the most beautiful man in the world," who lived as an artist creating in many media: paint, sculpture, and dance. Offspring of a Nebraska farm family, he lived his entire life expecting his family to support him whether he was successful or not. Naturally, this led to some Difficult Family Dynamics. Etiquetteer encourages you to read his interesting biography.
Another madcap was the late Marion Tanner, immortalized by her more famous nephew Patrick Dennis as America's Favorite Relative, Auntie Mame. Aunt and nephew eventually fell out over her behavior, specifically turning her New York home into a "boarding house" for derelicts and countercultural types - to the extent that she lost the house when she couldn't pay the mortgage.
Etiquetteer wishes you well in future dealings with your Virago Relative.
Dear Etiquetteer: How do you deal with a co-worker who constantly berates and criticizes everyone? She is the epitome of "lipstick on a pig" so there would be room to retaliate but none of us feel it is the right thing to do. We want it to stop but we have no idea how to deal with it.
Dear Berated:
Sometimes Euphemism is insufficient to solve a problem. In such cases, a direct statement needs to be made, as gently but directly as possible, to state that there's a problem, and that a solution needs to be found. Here is just such a situation.
Etiquetteer once had to work with a Perpetual Complainer, a lady whose high standards could only be achieved by herself, and who always verbalized her dissatisfaction in the most uncomfortably specific ways. Finally having had enough, Etiquetteer said to her one day "Madam, tell me something good! You may say whatever you wish about this topic, but you must start with at least one good thing about it." And that exercise for her, while it didn't color her overall opinion, tempered her general unhappiness. It also proved to others that she was capable of seeing at least a little good in the matter at hand.
Etiquetteer encourages you to guide Madam Lypsticka into beginning her criticisms with some sort of kind observation, and to do so with candor. "Madam Lypsticka," you might say, "everyone knows that you prefer to express negative opinions, and we don't want to take that away from you. But we do think your opinions might carry more weight if you could balance your criticism with a couple good points about [Insert Name of Person or Topic Here]."
Converting Perpetual Complainers takes time, and Etiquetteer wishes you and your colleagues well as you begin this endeavor.
Dear Etiquetteer: What's you best advice for introverts at parties?
Dear Introvert:
First of all, don't stay away from the party! This is doubly true when your host is a close friend or relative, who may well understand that large gatherings make you uncomfortable at times. If the invitation is for something small, like a dinner party for eight people, the degree of comfort might be greater.
Before the party, there are a couple things you can do to make yourself feel more prepared. Usually it isn't Perfectly Proper to ask who the other guests are going to be; this is because the pleasure of the host's company is supposed to be a sufficient reason to accept the invitation. But under these circumstances, Etiquetteer will allow you to ask, at the time you accept the invitation, if mutual friends will also be there. Knowing that there will be at least one or two people there that you already know can help a lot.
You may also catch up on the news of the day before the party by reading that day's newspaper or one of the news websites. This will give you a knowledge base to contribute to the conversation. If you and the hosts share a common interest, it's likely that others at the party will, too.
If you're really feeling anxious, ask how you can help. Passing hors d'oeuvres, for instance, still requires you to move throughout the room, but doesn't really require a lot of small talk. But even helping to gather dirty glasses or discarded paper napkins gives you something to do and helps out the host. But do ask first; hosts can be fussy about how they like things done.
For large parties, roaming does help relieve the pressure of introversion. Tour the public rooms of the house. Etiquetteer, who occasionally suffers spasms of Party Overwhelm, particularly enjoys being entertained by friends who have a library to which retreat is possible during open houses. This is such a relief when the well of small talk has run dry, or when it just isn't possible to stand up one more moment.
Do NOT bring a good book or spend all night on your smartphone texting (or pretending to text) people who aren't there. That's insulting to the host.
Finally, another introvert might also be there who needs reassurance that they aren't the Only Introvert at the Ball. Here you have a common bond for conversation!
Now go forth and party, and be sure to send a Lovely Note the next day.
Dear Etiquetteer: Occasionally my nose will suddenly start running, from any one of a number of causes. It could be strong smoke or fumes, scented products, spicy foods, or some unknown reason. I know it's considered rude to even wipe one's nose in public, let alone blow it, especially at the table. But it's also embarrassing at a restaurant or a group dinner to keep hopping up and disappearing into a distant restroom. What's the best way to navigate this difficulty?
Dear Nosey:
Etiquetteer had two Lovely Grandmothers, Granny and Gramma, and they each knew only one joke. Granny's joke was "Brownie's at the door," and it went like this:
A spinster lady agreed to take care of her young nephew while his parents were going to be away, which meant that she had to take him with her to a dinner party. "Now Nephew," she said, "I have post-nasal drip, and if you see a drip on my nose, I want you to tell me 'Brownie's at the door.'" Nephew agreed, and off they went.
At the dinner table, the nephew was seated on one side of his aunt, but on the other side the spinster found a handsome young bachelor! She spoke to him with fascination for some time, until she felt a tug on her sleeve. "Auntie, Brownie's at the door!" said her nephew. "Not now dear, I'm talking," was her reply. This dialogue was repeated two or three times. Finally, conversation at the table turned, and the spinster lady asked her nephew "Now, what was it you wanted to tell me?" "Well," replied the nephew, "Brownie was at the door, but he's in the soup now."
Humans have had runny noses longer than there have been dinner tables, and as you point out, it's not sustainable to leave the room every time one needs to to blow. To Etiquetteer, the real criterion is discretion. How silently can this operation be conducted? How can this be accomplished without attracting attention? At the table, if only a drip needs to be mopped up, "dab don't rub" is a safe rule. If it's possible for you to blow your nose silently and briefly, do so at table. If you're one of those people like Etiquetteer, who is unable to blow his nose without sounding like Gabriel's Legion or a New York City traffic jam, it's best to leave the table.
Easy availability of the handkerchief is the second important factor in unobtrusive nose blowing. The old saying of "A handkerchief should be in your hand three seconds before you need it" is always true. A gentleman, of course, may keep it in his inside jacket pocket or a pants pocket. Perhaps at the table ladies could keep theirs in their laps under their napkins? Attention is always attracted when the need for a handkerchief is making itself felt and the search for the hankie becomes more frantic as the need becomes more urgent. On NO account should one's handkerchief be allowed to touch the surface of the table! Take it out, use it, and put it back.
There is healthy, yet to Etiquetteer tedious, debate about handkerchiefs vs. paper tissues. Etiquetteer's principal objections to the latter are that they form a gigantic wad in one's pockets after use, and that too many people will try to reuse them after one blow, which is simply Disgusting. While Etiquetteer cannot object to people carrying those little plastic packets of paper tissues - apparently ladies need them in the ladies room, and it's not Etiquetteer's place to ask why - nothing beats a sturdy linen or cotton handkerchief.
Dear Etiquetteer:
This may sound foolish but when one lives in the Deep South how does one get rid of snow boots gracefully?
Dear Readers: The renaissance of Etiquetteer has gone on for a couple weeks now, with much more frequent content and queries on the Perfect Propriety of the day - or lack thereof. So of course Etiquetteer is just a bit curious to know who's following along and what their interests are. If so inclined, won't you please take this brief, anonymous reader survey? It will hardly take any time at all, and Etiquetteer would be so very grateful.
With thanks for your kind consideration,
Etiquetteer
Dear Etiquetteer: Okay, is it just me? My boyfriend and I were in a Restaurant/Bar, on the Bar side having drinks and dinner. A father and son came in and sat down at one of the bar side tables. Within five minutes the son receives a call from his mother. I say this because he had it on speaker phone. Just when it was beginning to annoy me, I received a call, answered and walked away to the back hall to have my conversation. When I returned ten minutes later, the son was still on his speaker phone talking to his mother. What amazed me is the father had no problem with his son subjecting 20 people IN A BAR to his conversation with his mother. I thought having to listen to one sided conversations in line at stores was bad enough. At least I eventually walk away.
Dear Phoned:
Remember phone booths? For those of you under the age of 30, phone booths were tiny compartments usually no bigger than a shower stall containing a pay phone, a phone book, and a tiny bench behind a bi-fold door. Etiquetteer thinks it's high time to bring them back, but without the pay phone. Clearly enough people are wandering around inflicting their private lives on us at full volume over their cell phones that every bar and restaurant could use one or two.
Etiquetteer cannot say enough - and should not have to say to begin with - that if you're going out with people, be with those people, and not with people at the other end of a device. Now Life does intervene - even Etiquetteer understands this - but unavoidable interruptions need to be kept to a minimum. Etiquetteer prevents them altogether by turning a cell phone OFF. If that isn't an option, one can at least let nonessential calls (e.g. someone you don't think will be calling from the hospital) go to voicemail.
(And so often these conversations are like one Etiquetteer had to follow unavoidably down a sidewalk over the weekend: "Mom? Can you hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? I just wanted to tell you we're on the way!" The entire conversation was not necessary. He could have just gotten there punctually and no phoning would have been required. Just because we have cell phones doesn't mean we always need them.)
Etiquetteer thanks you for removing yourself from the bar so that your own phone conversation could be held without disturbing anyone, and trusts you let your boyfriend know in advance that you might have to interrupt your time together with a call, and apologized for leaving him alone in a public place for an extended period during which time some Seductive Temptress might try to steal him away from you. Which is another good reason to limit distractions from Absent Friends . . .
Presidents of the United States have to face different, and more difficult, etiquette challenges than the rest of the Nation's citizens. For instance, shaking hands and smiling during functions for thousands of people, some significant percentage of which are likely to disagree with your policies or person, could wear down even the healthiest of men. (First Ladies could cleverly get out of this by holding a bouquet firmly with both hands, at least back before Eleanor Roosevelt.) An American President with the least robust constitution, however, figured out some good tips for shaking hands with large numbers of people, mainly men who were larger and stronger than he, and eager to prove it. In his diary, Polk revealed his secret: Â "I told them that I foudn that there was great art in shaking hands, and that I could shake hands during the whole day without suffering any bad effects from it. they were curious to know what this art was. I told them that if a man surrendered his arm to be shaken, by some horizontally, by others perpendicularly, and by others again with a strong grip, he could not fail to suffer severely from it, but that if he would shaked and not be shaken, grip and not be gripped, taking care always to squeeze the hand of his adversary as hard as he squeezed him, that he suffered no inconvenience form it. I told them also that I could generally anticipate when I was to have a stron ggrip, and that when I observed a strong man approaching I generally took advantage of him by being a little quicker than he was and seizing him by the tips of his giners, giving him a hearty shake, and thus preventing him from getting a full grip on me." Read the full account here.
Dear Etiquetteer: My wife and I often discuss "the black hole." You may be familiar with this particular one. It's the one that has proven to be eminently adept at attracting/pulverizing/vaporizing every last shred of etiquette left in our fair planet's social consciousness.
My mother didn't make a move without referencing Emily's Etiquette book (that currently sits on our bookshelf). My wife's family was etiquette-aware as well. We are constantly floored at the lack of "Thank yous" following gifts we give for weddings, showers, etc. Also, in her recent attempt to host a party for one of our friends, my wife received a number of "I'll say maybe, but cannot say for sure until the day of the party, in case there is another party that comes up, or there's a good snowfall and I want to go skiing," and other responses like, "I can't possibly attend your party for three hours, but I may drop by on my walk." If my mom were still alive, she would not believe it. And these responses are from people (family, friends, etc.) that adore my wife. My sister-in-law even said that she doesn't believe in "thank yous!"
Dear Concerned:
With friends like these, as the saying goes, who needs relatives? Oh wait . . . um, Etiquetteer may have bungled that.
The cornerstone of Perfect Propriety, of the most basic good manners, is consideration of others. That means consideration of the time and effort taken to entertain one, to give one gifts, to show consideration of one in the first place. So, what is the consideration one shows?
With St. Valentine's Day on its way tomorrow, Etiquetteer feels it necessary - strictly in the name of Perfect Propriety - to advise you against Popping the Question Publicly. Fictionally we have the example of Vicki Lester and Norman Maine, seen here in the George Cukor film of A Star Is Born:
Now you'll notice that the situation was saved beautifully by Our Heroine who, seeing the embarrassment of her beloved, called out "Oh no, that's much too public a proposal to say no to! I accept!" And those who know the story know exactly what that got her . . .
Cruel Reality shows a different outcome:
But if you are really intent on doing this, Etiquetteer has some questions to ask first:
How comfortable is your beloved in the spotlight? Are you choosing to propose in public because she likes having attention called to herself, or because you want to call attention to yourself?
Are the manner and location of your proposal what you think she might expect of a marriage proposal? (Reviewing that compilation, and recognizing that Etiquetteer might be succumbing to stereotypes, Etiquetteer finds it hard to believe that most women want to entertain proposals of marriage at sporting events or the mall.)
Are you 110% sure that your beloved will say yes? And even then, Etiquetteer thinks you should reconsider.
Do you have a Graceful Exit planned in the (to you unlikely) event that your proposal is declined? Even if you're 110% sure your beloved will accept, plan one.
Etiquetteer asks these questions not only for your benefit and that of your beloved, but also for the Embarrassed Spectators who, if they don't want to laugh in your face, will want to turn their backs. Please, Etiquetteer begs you, consider your plans very carefully.
Now of course Etiquetteer expects to hear from several people who did witness Successful Public Proposals of Marriage, and that's just wonderful. Etiquetteer is delighted that you had that experience. Etiquetteer rather hopes that Those Who Popped the Question evaluated their situations intelligently.
You may be sure that Etiquetteer will have Shields Up on St. Valentine's Day, and if one of Cupid's little arrows gets in the way, Etiquetteer will use it as a swizzle stick for a martini.
What used to be known as Good Family, unfortunately, ceased to matter a long time ago, as that venerable social historian Cleveland Amory demonstrated in his delicious indictment Who Killed Society? But it helps to know Who Was Who, as it were, so Etiquetteer was delighted to be directed to this quiz of "Name the Boston Brahmins." The Brahmins are the highest of the priestly classes in the Hindu religion. Some wag, recognizing the aloof qualities of Boston's first families, used "apt alliteration's artful aid" to bestow this Perfectly Proper nickname. You may be interested to know that Etiquetteer scored 25 out of a possible 30, and was greatly helped by having read another essential Cleveland Amory history, The Proper Bostonians.
What is interesting to note is that few of these families remain visible in public life in the 21st century. And that indeed, the traditional Yankee qualities of simplicity and thrift are being displaced in Boston. The Boston Globe reports that "In just the past seven years, the number of millionaires in Massachusetts has grown by 33,000." Etiquetteer can just see Cleveland Amory shaking his head and muttering "New money."
Unfortunately more and more people believe that etiquette only matters someplace that's defined as "formal," for instance a funeral, a library ("Sssssshhhhh!"), and especially at weddings. (Etiquetteer believes that weddings probably generate more questions about how to behave than anything else.) But Good Behavior is needed in every part of the day, from the bedroom to the boardroom, from the elevator to the escalator, from the cafeteria line to the telephone line, from the concert hall to the colosseum. Wherever you are, whether you think of it as "formal" or not, Good Behavior matters. So Etiquetteer was dismayed to read about Marcus Smart, the Oklahoma State University basketball player, who shoved a fan, now identified as Jeff Orr, after a bungled play. The OSU Cowboys are on a five-game losing streak, so undoubtedly the pressure was on Mr. Smart, the star player for his team, to deliver something good. Mr. Orr, a well-known fan of the Red Raiders of Texas Tech, is also well known for taunting players of the Raiders' opponents.
It appears that Mr. Orr said something to Mr. Smart - apparently not an expression of concern for his well-being - that enraged Mr. Smart enough to make physical contact. Fox News reported "CBS personality Doug Gottlieb said via Twitter that a Texas Tech friend of his had a text conversation with Orr, who texted that 'Yeah, i kinda let my mouth say something I shouldn't have. I feel bad.'" Mr. Orr did not repeat what he said to Mr. Smart, which of course leads everyone to think that it was a racial slur.
Etiquetteer can only wonder if Mr. Orr feels badly enough to issue a public apology to Mr. Smart. Whether a Filthy Name was used or not, Mr. Orr has discredited the behavior of all Texas Tech fans, which Etiquetteer feels sure he does not want to do. Plenty of Perfectly Proper people are enthusiastic football fans without demonizing the opposing team. Ask yourselves, sports fans, what means more to you: the victory of your team, or the defeat of the opposing team?
While sympathizing with Mr. Smart, Etiquetteer can in no way condone physical violence. Figures in the Public Eye, simply because they are in the Public Eye, must restrain themselves from responding to outrageous provocation. Because when you respond, your opponents win because they have made you lose control. It's a true art, containing one's natural reactions - even Etiquetteer has yet to master it - but as Rose Sayre famously said in The African Queen, "Nature, Mr. Allnut is what we are put on this earth to rise above."
Etiquetteer hopes that both these men will offer public apologies for their behavior, but that we'll also be spared the ostentation of a "beer summit" such as President Obama hosted for Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. and Sgt. James Crowley after that Unfortunate Incident.
It will be a cold day in the downtown business section of Hell before you see Etiquetteer at the gym. But should that day come, you may be sure that Etiquetteer will know how to behave with Perfect Propriety. Inspired by Bos Guy, Etiquetteer wants to share a few tips about negotiating a workout in a shared space:
And that, as they say, should be quite enough.
Remember that child who was crawling all over that expensive modern sculpture that looks like a stack of shelves? Unfortunately the parents are not feeling as guilty and ashamed as they ought to be, and have given a rather self-serving and defensive interview to the London Evening Standard, making the disingenuous claim that their little girl was just being "anti-establishment." While Etiquetteer supposes this could be taking the "All response is valid" mantra of the contemporary art world to an extreme, that position was belied the decidedly establishment-looking school uniforms the "anti-establishment" daughter was wearing when photographed for the newspaper with her family. Kait Bolongaro, the child's mother, outrageously brags about other statues her children have climbed, and then says "It’s not right, but they were just interested. Their only crime was to be seduced by a ladder of jewel-coloured shelving. Sissi has always been anti-establishment but she would never hurt anybody." This statement is perfectly ridiculous. One can easily be seduced by a work of art without having to touch it, much less physically climb or inhabit it. And have you not noticed how people add the word "just" to an offense to try to minimize its impact, to make what is unacceptable sound simple and excusable?
Etiquetteer strongly suggests a course in remedial parenting for Ms. Bolongaro and her husband Stuart Trevor. They clearly do not understand how essential it is to raise children to respect the property of others.
Etiquetteer was so very pleased to hear earlier this month that soprano Renee Fleming would be singing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl this year. Etiquetteer has become increasingly dismayed at the histrionics displayed by Popular Singers every year in their "interpretations" of the venerable "Star-Spangled Banner." The National Anthem, like the White House, doesn't need to be anything but itself. Just as the former doesn't need to be gussied up with novelty lighting for state dinners, neither does the National Anthem need to be burdened with emotional embellishments. Because the most important guideline for any singer singing the National Anthem at a public event is to keep it simple enough for everyone singing along to do so without getting lost.
Madame Fleming acquitted herself, and the nation, admirably with her interpretation. Her one departure from the traditional arrangement, that extra-high note at the end, was delivered with such purity and with such harmony with everyone else doing their best to hit that one high note at the end, that Etiquetteer could only shed one patriotic tear and then start preparing an income tax return. While recognizing that this is a subjective opinion, Etiquetteer truly believes that public singers should be shown this arrangement before singing the National Anthem publicly, along with that of the late Kate Smith. Call Etiquetteer old-fashioned and sentimental if you will - they are medals Etiquetteer wears with pride - but Miss Smith's arrangement remains the definitive.
Dear Etiquetteer: After how many email exchanges is it OK to drop the "Dear John" at the beginning and "Sincerely" or "Best" at the end?
Dear Mailing:
In what might seem an unorthodox response, Etiquetteer thinks salutations and closings may courteously be dropped after three or four rapid-fire exchanges, depending on the circumstances. For instance, when corresponding with one's boss or a client, let that person drop these things first.
Etiquetteer finds it interesting to reflect on how Perfect Propriety in communications has evolved with the advent of electronic mail 20 years ago. Methods of communication have evolved along with civilization. People have always sought - and continue to seek - faster and more convenient ways to communicate when unable to do so face to face. (And thank goodness! Etiquetteer doesn't fancy having to scratch a tablet with a stylus to send a letter.)
In modern civilization, the telegraph and telephone brought enormous change, especially the former. With a charge for every letter, the niceties of everyday speech were necessarily clipped. The advent of text messaging in the 21st century brought that to a different level, with more acronyms and abbreviations than it was sometimes possible to understand. Increasingly, and perhaps expensively, the elaborations of written correspondence are creeping back into texting, where they don't really belong. Etiquetteer thinks this has to do with not being billed by the message (as Western Union did with telegrams) but by being billed monthly by the Phone Company of Your Choice. But salutations and long words are out of place in this medium.
Technological methods of communications didn't really eliminate written correspondence, which had been the principal means of communications for centuries. Then along came email, and everyone began communicating faster and more conveniently - but with less Perfect Propriety, and with less specialness. The conventions of written correspondence - salutation beginning with "Dear," body, and closing such as "Love," "Sincerely," or "Yours truly" - somehow didn't translate to email because email felt more casual. "Dear" was dropped in favor of "Hi," "Hey there," or "Greetings." "Sincerely" was replaced by "Cheers," "Best," or by nothing at all. This has been going on so long that an entire generation has grown up without necessarily being taught how best to correspond - in whatever medium - and our national quotient of Perfect Propriety, not to mention Basic Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation, has suffered for it. And Etiquetteer thinks it's still vitally important to know. When all your batteries go out and all the power fails, it could just be you left with pen, paper, and a candle to get your word out.
The domination of email has repositioned the Lovely Note as something exceptionally special - and just as necessary to express extra-important thanks. Etiquetteer cannot pretend to explain why receiving a Lovely Note in the post box feels so much nicer than receiving a Lovely Email in the inbox, but it does. And in some fields, a thank-you email is considered Perfectly Improper. Only written thanks will do. Etiquetteer continues to believe that Lovely Notes are still the most beautiful and necessary way to convey sincere thanks. They may not be as swift as email, but they are certainly received with extra delight.
Etiquetteer hopes you'll write a few today!
Last autumn Etiquetteer had the great good fortune to travel aboard the Orient Express from London to Venice. Deluxe travel, as you might expect, includes some interesting challenges along with its delights. Stay tuned for an entertaining account of the journey soon! Below, Etiquetteer at dinner:
