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Dear Etiquetteer:Over the past two years, my family has finally caught up with the 20th century and embraced e-mail as an easy way to negotiate functions, such as party planning and babysitting. I set up a list, in fact, for posting such information. It worked very well until six months ago, when I realized I wasn't receiving messages that everyone else said they had seen.I was forwarded two or three, all from my sister-in-law, who sent details about her children's birthday parties and Christmas to everyone (including her husband) except me. I found it particularly strange when she sent out an e-mail asking everyone if they had a list of gift-exchange partners that I had sent out last year, instead of asking me directly or including me on the mass e-mail.The final straw came when I was forwarded a lengthy e-mail exchange between both my sisters-in-law (who cc:d everyone in my family except my mother and me) discussing where to hold my mother’s birthday dinner. The two of them had come to the conclusion that their own houses were too small for the affair, and they were going to hold the dinner in a rented hall.My brother (who forwarded the e-mail to me) said, "I don't know why you weren't included in this." I thanked him for sending me the message, and sent an e-mail to the entire family list letting them know that renting a hall was not only the last thing Mother would want, and if their places were too small to hold a family get-together, her own house has always been perfectly roomy, and I would make her favorite dinner for everyone to celebrate.My question is: Should I leave it at that? Would sending this message to the whole family, letting the culprits know that I am privy to this hidden information whisking around the Web be enough to alert them to the fact that I want and need to be included in family business? My sister-in-law and I have a history of getting along and not getting along, but we don't speak very often alone. Should I take a more direct approach and have a face-to-face conversation with her, letting her know that I, too, am part of the family, and I consider being left out to be hurtful and rude? Is there another, more polite path I can take?Dear e-Pariah:Etiquetteer doesn’t really understand why people try to pull this stuff. It’s so easy to trace!From your letter, it certainly sounds as though all the suspect e-mail has its roots with your sister-in-law. And if this has really been going on for six documented months, we can no longer assume that it’s just a mistake. Etiquetteer sees your sister-in-law actively excluding you from family affairs.While Etiquetteer loathes direct confrontation, this situation has reached the stage where you must speak with her face to face. Tell your sister-in-law, calmly and patiently, that you’ve noticed her excluding you from e-mail communication with the rest of the family for an extended period, that you think she’s leaving you out deliberately, and ask her to stop. You could also ask her why she’s leaving you out, but be careful: she could tell you, and you may not want to hear.Moving forward, for as long as your sister-in-law is part of your family, you will need to head her off at the pass. You yourself now need to start future discussions of your mother’s birthday and other family business in which you expect to take part. When you send e-mail, Etiquetteer recommends including a footer along the lines of "Please reply to the list at [Insert List E-mail Here] so that no one is left out of this discussion."Now Etiquetteer is going to talk about your mother’s birthday and the position of daughters-in-law in a family. The old Biblical stereotype of the daughter-in-law who moves in with her husband’s family essentially to serve as kitchen help to her mother-in-law no longer applies, thank goodness, but the residue of it clings when big family events arise. Daughters-in-law (and daughters, too) frequently get left "holding the bag," as it were, having to do a whole lot of cooking and cleaning and much less enjoying than anyone else at the party. Perhaps this is the root of your sisters-in-law’s planning, bypassing someone who’s, ahem, rather forceful? Etiquetteer has no way of knowing this, but offers it for your consideration.
Holiday Cards and Other Correspondence, Vol. 4, Issue 52
Dear Etiquetteer:
With all this “national dialogue” about how Christians have to take back Christmas, what’s your take on mailing Christmas cards to non-Christians. I always feel uncomfortable sending Christmas cards to Jews I know, but then some of them surprise me by celebrating Christmas with a tree and gifts. Please let me know what you think.
Dear Thoughtful:
Christmas does need saving, but not from the politically correct dogma you might think. To Etiquetteer, thoughtful Christians should turn their efforts to saving Christmas from the Retail Frenzy that grips our Great Nation every winter. Already the news stories have come in of riots at big box stores from people coming to blows over the last available [Insert Highly Desirable Toy or Computer Here]. That is NOT Perfectly Proper behavior, and it certainly isn’t good everyday Christian manners. Stop it at once.
But you were asking mostly about Christmas cards. Other etiquette experts disagree, but Etiquetteer strongly believes that one should not send Christmas cards to those whose religion is other than Christian, whether they celebrate Christmas or not. One sends one’s Jewish friends Hanukkah cards, and Kwanzaa cards to those who celebrate Kwanzaa. Etiquetteer fancies that pagans and others might welcome a generic “Happy Holidays” card that didn’t have blatant red-and-green Christmas imagery all over it.
Of course there is a very elegant way to avoid this whole hullaballoo, and Etiquetteer doesn’t know why more people don’t do it. Send New Year’s greetings to everyone instead of holiday greetings! These have an added advantage: you may mail them as late as January 6!
Dear Etiquetteer:
A kind gentleman conducted an interview with me one month ago. Immediately after the interview I forgot to thank my interviewer, much as I had intended to send a card. The interview was for something whose acceptance letter is due earliest by February, but it seems inappropriate to thank my interviewer only after receiving a reply; yet, I am incredibly late. What is the most proper and polite thing to do now?
Dear Carded:
Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother has always said “Better late than never.” The later one is, however, the more oomph needs to be put into the communication. This is especially true in your situation, which Etiquetteer can tell involves admission to a college. Most of the “kind gentlemen” you mention, and a greater than or equal number of kind ladies, too, volunteer their time to interview prospective students like yourself. So by all means, get that letter out today! – don’t even go to bed until you’ve finished it – and thank your interviewer for his time, attention to your case, and service to his alma mater. Please don’t use some frilly greeting card. Grown-up business stationery is most Perfectly Proper here.
Etiquetteer wishes you all the best in your admissions adventures!
Holiday Tipping and Baby Showers, Vol. 4, Issue 51
Dear Etiquetteer:Two of my close friends are getting married next month. This grand move was precipitated by the fact that the bride is pregnant, although they did plan to tie the knot anyway.Being the quintessential hostess myself, I've undertaken to throw the shower. However, what I had in mind was to have one shower to honor both events, the wedding and the birth, but keeping the theme generic (a spa getaway) so that neither is emphasized more.This is mainly for budgetary reasons, but also due to logistics. The bride may be relocating soon and it'd just be the same eight people (who are not all friends) getting together in another two months to do pretty much the same thing all over again.I'm told it's improper, and that it's poor etiquette. But I'm pigheaded, ‘cause I think my ideas are cute (I'm calling it "Pamper yourself!"). Please let me know if it is truly a bad idea. Thank you.Dear Pigheaded:Permit Etiquetteer to agree with your self-assessment. Now let’s discuss why.Etiquetteer adores a theme party, but in this case encourages you to consider something that will be more useful and less embarrassing to your friends. Etiquetteer’s late great-grandmother Houska used to say, "The first one comes anytime. The rest take nine months." Even though more and more people are not even bothering to get married before having children, it’s still the height of Bad Taste to underline the situation by combining a bridal and baby shower.Whose budget are you thinking about: yours as the hostess, or the honoree’s, who will soon have another mouth to feed and a bottom to diaper? While Etiquetteer acknowledges the cuteness of your "Pamper yourself!" shower idea, isn’t it the new baby the honorees will have to be pampering soon? Etiquetteer doesn’t know the circumstances of the expectant bride, but imagines that a spa getaway might be less useful than traditional baby shower gifts.
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Dear Etiquetteer:I recently moved to a new apartment. Unlike my last living situation, this is an apartment building with someone at the front desk 24 hours a day, maintenance staff, and a building manager. Since I have never lived in a building with staff in all my years of existence, I have no idea about proper tipping during the holiday season.Not that it is important, but we're not talking a doorman with a hat and epaulets, who will call me a cab; the round-the-clock staff is more security focused.Dear Tipping:Etiquetteer congratulates you on your move and commends you on your thoughtfulness for those employed in your new home. Indeed, your query raised many happy memories of Etiquetteer’s days as a concierge in a condominium of some 100 residences. Christmastime invariably saw many discreet presentations of gifts at the front desk, from bottles of wine to books (from the people who really knew what Etiquetteer liked) to home-baked cookies. And, of course, cash. Cash is always the most Perfectly Proper gift in this situation. Etiquetteer strongly encourages you to get those gift envelopes with the oval cut out so you can see the president’s face on the bill, and to have a crisp new bill in the envelope. Etiquetteer has no idea how many people are on the staff of your building, but encourages you to remember as many as possible. Start with the building manager, continue with the staff with whom you interact most, and then the remainder. Please don’t forget the late shift, who rarely gets to see everyone in the building unless there’s a fire alarm.To Etiquetteer, a minimum cash gift of $10 seems appropriate for the holidays; less than that might appear cheap. So if your budget is less than $10 per person, Etiquetteer thinks a gift (perhaps chocolates) will be received in the proper spirit.You do not have to present each staff member his or her envelope or gift personally; if you wish, hand everything to the manager, who will distribute accordingly. Just please don’t bake a fruitcake, wrap it in tin foil, and send it down in the elevator.
Holiday Potlucks, Vol. 4, Issue 50
Dear Etiquetteer:
The holidays are upon us and I hope you can assist with the whole question of bringing food to various house parties and gatherings. Just what is the etiquette around glorified potluck parties? I'd appreciate your insights on both sides of the equation.
For example, I host an annual Christmas gathering at my house. It's one of those parties where folks come and go for hours, mingling and catching up with folks they perhaps only see at my event once a year, people hopping in from shopping and such. It's not one of those times when cocktails and finger sandwiches would do. Folks have a real appetite either when they arrive or after they've been lounging in my house all afternoon. I make some big dishes for folks to share, but feeding the hordes is just too much. I invite guests to bring some beverage or food to share in a low-key way. Some people do bring something and others don't which is perfectly fine and all seem well fed and pleased. But I do sometimes wonder if this makes me a lame hostess who's not really able to provide for her guests. Any thoughts?
On the other side, as guest, I've been invited to share a holiday meal with my new beau's family. I offered to bring a dish and, told this was an intimate family affair, suggested a spicy squash soup or my famous pear and pecan salad. My beloved passed the offer to his mother who queried the whole family for their preference. They've never had soup at their family dinner before and, not able to imagine such a thing, selected the salad. Unfortunately, in the meantime, I've learned that there will be a sizable crowd at this event. Making the salad is near impossible under these circumstances since it will require last-minute kitchen prep and lots of room to prepare the now dozens of little salad plates. Doing this would impose on those doing the real cooking of the entrees and is sure to make me look bad with my potential future in-laws. The soup would be far easier for me to prepare and will be far easier on their end when it comes time to serve, but I fear soup is no longer an option. Should I bring the soup and provide them, despite their misgivings, with a new culinary experience or should I write to Martha Stewart for some kind of substitute, easy-to-travel, inferior salad?
Dear Potted:
Forgive the slight exasperation in Etiquetteer’s tone, but what on earth are you thinking bringing individual salads to a potluck? The First Rule of Potluck Cuisine is that when you bring a dish, it should be completely ready to serve. NO additional preparation time in the kitchen should be required beyond reheating a dish in the oven or adding croutons. To bring the soup after the family has already said they don’t want it would show a disregard for their feelings Etiquetteer knows you don’t feel, so please turn to your favorite cookbook for a Perfectly Proper salad recipe that can be prepared in bulk.
This certainly shows how "an intimate family dinner" is defined by the size of the family . . . also why casseroles are so popular at potlucks. (Don’t you miss those white Corning Ware casserole dishes that everyone had 30 years ago? You know, the ones with the blue flowers on the side.) Don’t forget to label yours with your name on masking tape so you can get it back afterward.
Now when you’re the hostess, you are not Lame or Bad by asking guests to bring refreshments as long as you say "Potluck refreshments" or "Please bring a dish to share" or something similar on the invitation. Truth in advertising is what’s key here. All Etiquetteer asks is that you keep the hot foods very hot and check frequently that you have enough plates and utensils. Nothing is worse than having to cut and eat tepid lasagna with a plastic spoon . . .
Birthday Parties for Grownups, Vol. 4, Issue 49
EXAMPLES FROM THE DAILY LIFE OF ETIQUETTEER: Sacagawea appeared at Symphony Hall a few weeks ago. At least Etiquetteer thinks it was Sacagawea; it was rather hard to tell given that her fur hunting cap and nappy, scruffy-looking brown yarn poncho concealed most of her features. Etiquetteer recognizes how difficult it is to balance Basic Warmth with Perfect Propriety, but really, it isn’t THAT difficult. Anything that looks like you might also wear it stalking game in the woods should not be worn to a theatre or concert hall. That includes hunting caps (yes, even fur ones), down jackets, hiking boots, and especially denim.But the character who really took the cake was the man in the front row obliviously wearing his bright white-and-crimson Harvard baseball cap throughout the concert. Every time the conductor approached the podium, this man would standand wave his baseball cap in the air as though he were at Fenway Park. At the end of the concert,he shook the concertmaster’s hand, and then even the conductor’s! (Those worthies took it in stride, without even batting an eye. Noblesse oblige . . . )
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Dear Etiquetteer: I recently suggested to my only sibling, my younger sister, that perhaps we should do something in honor of our father's impending 85th birthday (two months from now). They all live in a different, though nearby, East Coast city, and I proposed that I come down the weekend of our dad's birthday, gather his youngest sister and four or five of our cousins, and take our parents and the relatives out for a very casual, very low-stress birthday dinner at a local restaurant in Dad's honor. I asked my parents if they'd be up for something like that, too, as neither cares at all for surprises (both said they were willing).Suddenly, though, my mother and my sister start talking and concoct a very different plan, producing a guest list of 20+ relatives, including some from across the country (but leaving out one cousin in California who has been a huge support to both of my parents). My sister announces that my mother "expects" a rented hall and a big spread. When I complained that such a large affair was not my intention, either emotionally or financially, I was told by my sister, "but it's not supposed to be about what you want--it's his birthday."I, admittedly somewhat crabbily, told my sister that I had not been consulted at all before she and my mother co-opted my suggestion and morphed it into something I had never agreed to, and that I was not sure at all if I were comfortable agreeing to such a big party. I wanted something much quieter, more intimate, and personal with my dad, and now I'm cast as the bad guy and the skinflint if I don't play along.So, my questions are:a) was it a breach of etiquette for my sister and mother to re-invent my plans without consulting me, and was it a further breach for them to continue on in that vein even after I objected?b) was it a breach of etiquette for me to have complained in the first place--i.e., should it not matter what I prefer, even if I'm the one who raised the issue in the first place?c) is it wrong to leave out my cousin in Northern California, when my dad's eldest sister and her daughter from Los Angeles are invited?Dear Hijacked:Great Jehoshophat! You’d think this was a wedding with all the drama going on. Your sister is only partly right when she says your father’s birthday isn’t "about what you want." It’s alsonot about what she wants, and it’s not about what your mother wants, either. It’s really about what the honoree wants. On the other hand, and Etiquetteer’s been put in this position before, honorees will agree to whatever is asked of them because they don’t want to be seen as demanding divas.So, to look at your specific questions:a) Your mother and sister, while they may have had the best of intentions in planning a larger affair, owe you an apology for not bringing you into that discussion immediately, especially since they expect you to pay half the costs. Once you’d objected, it was up to both sides to create a compromise. Etiquetteer hopes they will apologize. You may have to explain again how hurt you are, and why you thought a smaller celebration would be what your father wants instead of a bigger one.b) No, Etiquetteer can’t say it was out of line for you to raise objections, but it wasn’t Perfectly Proper of you to do so in an admittedly crabby way. Etiquetteer’s dear mother has said more than once "When you lose your temper, you lose your point," and of course she’s absolutely right.c) Etiquetteer is grieved beyond belief to hear about the callous exclusion of your cousin from Northern California, especially if she has been "a huge support" to your parents. Put your foot down and insist that she be invited. Even if she doesn’t attend, she will have had the opportunity to decide for herself.Now the kind of compromise Etiquetteer would propose if he was running this party would be to reserve a small private room for 20 at a local restaurant with a three-course menu plus birthday cake for dessert. Best of luck as the arrangements continue!
Two Urgent Pleas, Vol. 4, Issue 48
Dear Etiquetteer:I hope you can help us. My 44-year-old daughter is marrying a 49 year-old man we believe to be a four-flusher and liar. I don't like him and never want to see him. I don't want to go to the wedding. He is not welcome in our home. One of her brothers feels the same, two don't care, and two of her sisters are supportive. My wife and I are in a quandary, 77 years old and not in the best of health. Our daughter is in tears because we don’t accept him. This is a first marriage for them both.Dear Father of the Bride:Well, looking at this strictly from an etiquette point of view, you’re making an unmistakable stand. You couldn’t communicate any better to the entire world how much you disapprove of the marriage than by boycotting the wedding ceremony as you plan to do. At anyone’s first wedding the bride’s parents are very much on display, and your absence would be lost on no one. On the other hand, absenting yourself would be better than actually objecting when the officiant calls for those who disapprove to "speak now, or forever hold your peace."You realize, of course, that this would create a complete and total break with your daughter. Once anyone chooses a life partner, that person’s allegiance is bound to be with that person, for better and for worse, etc. etc. etc. So once your daughter marries this Man You Hate, she would feel as unwelcome in your home as he would be. And Etiquetteer can only speculate what attendant fractures might appear in your relationships with your other children who support or don’t care about the marriage.Now, dropping the etiquette issues aside for the moment, you and your wife need to weigh whether your love for your daughter is stronger than your hatred for her fiancé. If Love wins, you will need to welcome this Man You Hate as a member of your family. It doesn’t have to be awarm welcome, but you couldn’t exclude him from your home or from family gatherings. If your love for your daughter is strong enough, you may find the strength to do this, buoyed by your children who are advocating for the marriage. If Hate wins, you must reconcile yourselves never to have your entire family at the same gatherings ever again, unless it’s a funeral.This is a tough choice, but Etiquetteer cannot make it for you. Of course Etiquetteer hopes that Love will win. This Man You Hate may be all the things you think he is (Etiquetteer can’t know that). If he is, and your daughter discovers so for herself a few years down the road, your acceptance of her now will make it easier for her to return to you without fearing the sting of "I told you so."And from the "Trust in God But Lock Your Car" Department, Etiquetteer suggests that you check your will to be sure that, when your daughter inherits, her husband can’t get his hands on her inheritance.
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Dear Etiquetteer:I received an invitation to an out-of-town baby shower a few weeks ago. Out-of-town in this case means the only way I could get there would be by plane. To top it off, the shower is on a Sunday afternoon, which bumps up nicely against the start of the work week. I have declined, and properly.Now I'm getting frosty vibes from one of the hostesses (my sister-in-law). I must attend a Thanksgiving get-together at said in-law's home in a couple of weeks. How do I contain the frost quotient?Dear Declined:By ignoring it. Please continue to treat your sister-in-law as you always have, which will only make her look like a petty and ungrateful fool. Honestly, these people!
Birthday Gift-Giving, Vol. 4, Issue 47
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Dear Etiquetteer:I recently was copied along with just about two dozen people on an e-mail appeal for contributions to a milestone birthday gift. Most of these people are strangers to me. The soon-to-be-fifty celebrant has been a friend of mine for more than 25 years, and though we see little of each other (he now lives in Washington and I live in New York), we make a point of staying in touch and see each other in person on occasion. We have not exchanged birthday greetings or gifts for better than ten years. But being aware of his milestone I had planned to send a card and some photographs of our younger days, when both of us lived in Philadelphia, as a gift.The letter I was copied on was written by my friend's partner, who I quite like. The letter reminds readers of the upcoming milestone and shares that the couple has decided to celebrate it quietly by spending a week in Madrid. The letter invites us to contribute to the purchase of an antique bronze mantel clock my friend has admired for some time and valued at several thousand dollars. The letter promises that an inscription with the names of friends contributing to the gift will be affixed to the back of the clock. And the letter ends with the sentence "we will understand if you choose not to contribute."At first I felt we were being provided a polite out. Rereading it, I wondered if it implied something else: that they would "understand" that non-contributors are ungenerous, and unappreciative of our friend? Now I feel my original idea may be unwelcome given that they have signaled a clear "hint" of what they desire (cash). I might have felt better if there was an accompanying invitation to a group celebration, drinks or dinner, rather than the announcement of their quiet celebration in Madrid.A part of me wonders too if they love this fairly expensive clock so very much why not skip Madrid and buy it with that money? While both of these men are middle class – one is a development officer for a prominent art school, the other a legislative aide – it seems they largely socialize with a group of people far more moneyed than they are, and have developed a taste for expensive objects like bronze mantel clocks. The letter has left me feeling a bit offended and unsure how to respond.Dear Clocked:Rereading your letter, Etiquetteer has to ask, what’s in this for you? Your name on a plaque that faces the wall, and maybe a postcard from Madrid? Feh!Let’s do the math here, shall we? Etiquetteer will estimate $5,000 for the clock and 24 for the number of friends sent the invoice – uh, solicitation, sorry. That’s over $200 per person! Perhaps, as you suggest, they are socializing with people for whom $200 is chicken feed. Whether or not they are, and Etiquetteer has said this before, they don’t have any business telling you how to spend money on them. And yes, Etiquetteer uses "they" assuming that the Birthday Boy knows all about this.Group gifts of this sort are possibly more justified when the gift is presented in person by the group, but even then . . . how worthy is a group tribute which you’ve had to ask for (even if your spouse did the asking)? Better to get that room-sized bouquet with the giant card signed by everyone you’ve ever met and not expect it than some coveted bronze clock.Etiquetteer considers your original gift of photographs from your younger days most appropriate for the current stage of your relationship with the Birthday Boy. Assembling them into a small album that would include your birthday greeting on the first page (instead of a card) would dress it up nicely for a milestone birthday. Although Etiquetteer thinks Birthday Boy and his husband should get a spanking instead . . .
Holiday Gift-Giving and Wardrobe, Vol. 4, Issue 46
Dear Etiquetteer:It looks as if I might be moving to another city at the end of the year -- contingent, of course, on selling my house. My problem is Christmas. With a move likely, the last thing I need is more stuff coming in. I plan to shop for friends and family as usual, but would prefer to receive no gifts, at least this year. Is there a proper way to let my traditional gift-list people know of my preference?Dear Holiday Elf:Etiquetteer’s answer, invariably in such situations, is that you can never tell people how to spend money on you, unless they ask. That said, Etiquetteer couldn’t possible stop you from the occasional "Oh, I just don’t know how I’m ever going to get everything packed. I have so much stuff!" in your conversations. And if you’re lucky, you’ll get all sorts of useful gifts for your move, like decorative storage boxes, trunks, or exotic foodstuffs for your new pantry. Etiquetteer also has to confess to some discomfort to the phrase "gift-list people." Wouldn’t "friends and family" be just as accurate and less businesslike?
Dear Etiquetteer: My husband and I have been invited to a Debutante Ball. The invitation does not specify a dress code. Will a black tuxedo be acceptable? Or is it assumed "white tie"? And is it acceptable for me a wear a simple floor length gown, or is black a reserved color?Dear Invited:What a delicious opportunity! Etiquetteer hopes that you and your husband will enjoy yourselves watching the young debutantes make their bow to Society. Still, Etiquetteer must admit surprise hearing that no dress code was specified on the invitation; that sounds awfully sloppy for a debutante organization . . .Never assume "white tie" for anything. Let’s face it, the only folks whom we see in white tie these days are magicians, conductors, and community theatre types who have just appeared in My Fair Lady. Without any clue from the inviting organization, Etiquetteer thinks black tie most appropriate. Thank you for specifying a BLACK tuxedo. This is not the occasion for one of those plaid dinner jackets, or a white dinner jacket (summer only), and definitely not one of those pastel numbers we used to see in the late 1970s. As for you, a simple floor length gown should be Perfectly Proper as long as it isn’t white – obviously that’s reserved for the debutantes – scarlet, or "Yale blue," according to the late Emily Post. Etiquetteer will also profess a preference for any color BUT black. Knowing you as Etiquetteer does, a wine red or lustrous deep grey would become you tremendously. Remember, Anna Karenina wore black to a ball and look what happened to her . . .Etiquetteer vigorously suggests you contact the debutante organization that invited you and find out exactly what they have in mind, especially for your husband.
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Dear Etiquetteer:What is the proper monetary range for a gift to a 12-13 year old making either a Roman Catholic confirmation or a Jewish bar or bat mitzvah?Dear Villager:Etiquetteer really dislikes assigning a specific dollar amount to occasions such as these. It makes them seem so much more like a business transaction and so much less like a gesture of goodwill from the heart.Etiquetteer encourages you to consider a gift appropriate to a young man or woman, and NOT a boy or girl. That excludes toys and games of all types and technologies, and let’s be very clear about this. The Jewish rite of bar mitzvah is all about becoming a man. A gift of video games, to Etiquetteer, just isn’t the right message to send at that moment.So, what are good gifts? Etiquetteer always likes the idea of an Important Pen, the kind that can be an heirloom through daily use in one’s future career. If you’re feeling VERY extravagant, you could even have it engraved with the recipient’s name or initials. A briefcase would be overdoing it, however; and besides, when did you last see a young executive carrying a briefcase? You could also select a book of "inspirational literature;" Etiquetteer’s dear mother gave him a paperback copy of "The Pilgrim’s Progress" when he turned 13. For a young lady, a gift of grown-up jewelry might be well received.The point is, no matter the cost, your gift should reflect grown-up tastes.
More on Entertaining, Vol. 4, Issue 45
Dear Etiquetteer:What an interesting answer you gave a week or so ago about the ticket bar and tipping. Down here we have those same problems, so here goes: If you are the guest of honor at an affair given at the home of the host, does one offer a tip to be shared by the temp help? Secondly, as hosts, we must often use valets for parking. As guests, do we tip?Dear Tippi:Egad, Etiquetteer’ favorite issue: tipping. So un-American, and yet so part of American life. The only time a houseguest tips one’s host’s staff is when one is staying overnight. Tipping staff at a dinner party in a private home is Absolutely Improper, and Etiquetteer includes valets in that as well. A gratuity, frequently disguised as a "service charge," will already be in the contract negotiated by the hosts and the caterers and the parking company. Aside from that, hosts should not be passing to their guests the opportunity to pay for the entertainment which they’ve been invited to enjoy.
Dear Etiquetteer:OK, Etiquetteer, what about this: polemical, provocative bumper stickers: rude or a citizen's right and obligation to speak out?Dear In Your Face:Etiquetteer would say both. Etiquetteer adores free speech and deplores attempts to stifle it (for instance, branding anyone who speaks out against the war in Iraq as traitors). On the other hand, Etiquetteer frequently wishes that those exercising free speech a) had something to say and b) could say it with more wit and much less anger.
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Etiquetteer has not failed to notice a disconnect between organizers of huge black-tie fund-raisers and those to attend them. Organizers are intent on raising money for the their organizations in as many different ways as possible (no kidding), communicating their message effectively, and adding little touches to make the evening special. Almost invariably attendees merely want to get a tax deduction for the chance to put on a tuxedo or a fabulous dinner gown (since almost no one they know can afford to throw that sort of party privately) and have a good time with their friends.This brings us to the recent Human Rights Campaign Dinner. May the Deity of Your Choice bless keynote speaker Rev. Peter Gomes, who really nailed it on the head when he said something like "You’ve all paid a lot of money for a mediocre dinner which will include speeches you proceed to talk through." Sorry to say, that’s almost exactly what happened since the gabble of the glitterati could not be escaped without refugeeing to the silent auction. Etiquetteer was particularly disappointed with the disrespect shown to the Boston Gay Men’s Chorus, whose serenades during the salad course were loudly ignored by about 80% of the room. But Etiquetteer cannot lay the blame solely on the dinner guests. The organizers must be faulted for scheduling anything to which anyone has to pay attention during the first course. Everyone is still getting settled at their tables, meeting their tablemates, flagging waiters to request more wine, salad dressing, rolls, etc. They emphatically do not want to sit silently through a speech or a performance until at least halfway through the entrée, and that’s just all there is to it. At the public dinners of yore all the speeches came at the end with the dessert course; perhaps Etiquetteer is just naïve, but it seemed like a sound system then and would bear repeating now. Until that happy day is restored to us, however, for the Deity of Your Choice’s sake above, shut up during the singing!
Entertaining, Vol. 4, Issue 44
As long as we’re talking about entertaining, Etiquetteer needs to take this opportunity to sweep away some of the perceived glamour of hosting a party. When most everybody thinks of entertaining at home, they think of cooking, enough matching glasses, guest soaps in the bathroom, what to wear, and (inexplicably) blackening the wicks of candles they don’t intend to light. Let Etiquetteer snatch the veil from your eyes. These days, the most important part of your party may be good directions and enough parking spaces.Etiquetteer definitely laments this turn of events. But let’s face it, that rosy picture of the "old days" when everyone who knew everyone else all lived in the same town or neighborhood was fiction. Nowadays nobody has any idea where they’re going! And there’s not always a place to park once they get there. Can there be any worse way to spoil a party than to have to take phone calls every two minutes from wayward revelers pelting unknown landmarks at you trying to find your home? That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, who doesn’t even own a car, has found this particularly trying since he gets everywhere different from Those Who Drive.Hosts and hostesses, take a tip from Etiquetteer: don’t just send your guests explicit directions and parking information, post them by your own phone so that you’ll have them handy when your guests call. It wouldn’t hurt to have a map of the neighborhood handy, too. This way your party will be less like the Blind leading the Bungled.
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Dear Etiquetteer:When I am at a fancy ball, and I receive gratis drink ticket(s), what is the Perfectly Proper protocol for tipping the bartender/tendress? What if the host has provided an open bar?P.S. Can I tell you that a while back I was at a fancy cocktail party at the rooftop bar of a skyscraper in Montreal, where complimentary drink tickets had been issued prior to the event. When I gave the bartender my order and ticket, he slid his oversized-Cognac-glass tip jar from a side position so that it was directly in front of me. He waited until I dropped a little something into the jar before taking any further action. I thought Americans were supposed to be the rude ones! Needless to say, I skipped my second and third drink that evening. Dear Ticketed:Ah, the ticket bar. Nothing looks cheaper, and yet nothing is more tiresomely necessary when non-profits on a budget, pesky local laws, or militant teetotalers are involved. Etiquetteer knows that sometimes there’s no way around a ticket bar, but that doesn’t make Etiquetteer like it. By all means, when getting a drink at a ticket bar, tip as you would ordinarily at a public bar. At an open bar at a large event, tip as you would ordinarily. At an open bar hosted by a private individual, no tipping should be permitted; it’s the host’s responsibility.Your Canadian bartender exhibited dreadful manners! But Etiquetteer knows he does not represent Canadian bartenders as a whole. Etiquetteer wishes you’d been able to find another bartender to assist you.PS: And that would be "barmaid," by the way, not "bartendress." For Etiquetteer the word "barmaid" conjures images of Dickens and the Scarlet Pimpernel.
How to Set Limits, Vol. 4, Issue 43
Dear Etiquetteer: In our world of instant gratification what is the acceptable time frame for responding to someone if they have contacted you? I work with someone who will send me an e-mail and if I do not respond within an hour they will call me and ask why I haven't e-mailed them back. If someone e-mails you how long do you have to e-mail them back and if they call how long do you have to return their call? Dear Besieged: Sounds like someone could use a little Prozac to deal with separation anxiety, and Etiquetteer doesn’t mean you. Of course drugging all your colleagues won’t really get you very far.This person is expecting WAY too much attention from you. We all know people who are excited about their work, but this is over the top. Etiquetteer hopes you have a phone with a display screen so you can at least screen his or her calls. A Perfectly Proper standard should be to respond to phone or e-mail messages within the span of a business day. Etiquetteer knows one person, an architect, who includes a time limit in his voicemail, saying "I commit to returning your call within 24 hours."The multi-media barrage you’re facing from this person, however, is unacceptable. A non-immediate response does not mean you’re avoiding the issue at hand. Explain graciously what the standard of your office is, and also that part of your job requires you to be in places other than your office during the workday. If this behavior continues, Etiquetteer gives you permission to explain that your duties also require you to devote your attention to more than one person.
Dear Etiquetteer: Like most people today I have a very full schedule. My husband and I both have divorced parents which means we have four families to contend with, not just two. I also work full time and try to spend time with my friends as well as (heaven forbid) my husband. Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining. I'm very lucky to have so many people in my life, but recently some of these people have been less understanding regarding my busy schedule. I have a friend who insists on calling me daily and if she doesn't see me at least once a week she tells me that I'm ignoring her. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I need to scale things back. How do I do this without hurting her feelings? Dear Asphyxiated by Affection:If Etiquetteer was less Perfectly Proper than he actually is, he would advise you to suggest tartly to your friend that she is ignoring you by failing to recognize how overwhelmed you are. But this is not really Perfectly Proper, as we all know . . .You should take the initiative in scheduling together time with your importunate friend at appropriate intervals, say every two or three weeks. She should be flattered that you are making the effort, but if she asks to meet sooner, kindly but candidly tell her that you need to spend time with your husband. As for the phone calls, screen them when you don’t want to talk and take them when you do. One would think people would be more sensitive about pestering a friend with social calls at the workplace, but too often these situations come up because one isn’t thinking.
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Dear Etiquetteer: How do you deal with e-mail sarcasm? The other day I got an e-mail with the subject "This is really not good" from a client. Aside from being really vague, it really put my back up. Turns out the matter at hand was something that was his fault in the first place! Dear Offended: Whether in person or on-line, it’s best to behave like cream: rise to the top. In your case, Etiquetteer would have changed the subject line when you replied to relate specifically to the matter at hand. (Etiquetteer gets more e-mail headed "Etiquette Question" or "Query" than he knows what to do with.)This feels more difficult in person when Snidely Whiplash is standing right in front of you. At least you have the distance of the Internet between you. Most important, don’t respond to the red flag they are waving in front of you. Express concern ("I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time") and fix the problem when possible. When it’s not, apologize and suggest alternatives (and no, "go jump in the lake" is not an alternative.)
The Etiquette of Death, Vol. 4, Issue 42
Dear Etiquetteer: Today I received a tragic e-mail message from a cousin. Her husband was a career military man so they have lived in many countries as well as U.S. cities; hence, the message she was sending was forwarded to 65 people. This made her use of e-mail quite understandable.The message was to inform all of her husband's death. She told of his final illness and that he is to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery. Due to the many deaths of past and present service people, however, the next available time for a military funeral won't be for twelve weeks. Since they have adult children as well as many friends on base, I understand why she didn't have time to write notes or make personal calls, and I feel that she doesn't have time to handle so many incoming calls and notes. So, though I have never e-mailed a sympathy note, today I did just that because I wanted to extend condolences immediately.Later, I will call and write a note, as well as make a memorial contribution, but I'm puzzled as to when. I have never experienced this situation and wonder if Etiquetteer can suggest ways to ease the burden of families facing this long wait for closure. Sad duties are the most difficult. Dear Mourning: You raise an issue with which Etiquetteer has had to wrestle for some time: e-mail notification of death. Two or three years ago Etiquetteer got three such notices in five weeks. Needless to say they were each quite a jolt, and made Etiquetteer a little grumpy about how casual things were becoming.But then Etiquetteer changed his mind. Previous innovations in technology all were used to announce one’s death, like the telephone and the telegram, so much so that earlier etiquette books included instructions for the giving and receiving of these communications. Etiquetteer, after some initial reluctance, sees no reason to keep e-mail from replacing the telegram, but encourages the same unadorned style of the telegram in composing it, such as:
Note the specific elements that are included here:
Assuming that the person sending the e-mail is a member of the family, Etiquetteer recommends closing with something like "Your thoughts and prayers at this sad time are most appreciated."The subject line of the e-mail should let people know that it’s the news of someone’s death, as in "Death of Catherine Elizabeth Schulz." It should NOT be something as ambiguous or neutral as "Sad News" or "I’m Sorry to Tell You," which provide more of a shock to the reader or could be mistaken for spam. Etiquetteer also thinks this is not the place to include photos of the deceased or decorative graphics. In some subsequent e-mail, perhaps, but not the first one.Now back to your question. Your e-mail condolence on receiving the news substitutes your need to telephone the bereaved, but not the condolence note. Take care of that and the memorial contribution you want to make now. In the months leading up to the memorial service, check in with the family once or twice, or as often as you would usually. If you live nearby, invite them to dinner at your home, or bring food to them at their home. After the services, continue to be in touch.
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Dear Etiquetteer:My son died 13 days ago and I am feeling horrible heart-wrenching pain and grief. The funeral was last week and it was wonderful and touching to see so many of his friends there. I was amazed and comforted by the number of people that came to show their respect.The problem is, I was made fun of from my mother and her friend because I didn't stand by the casket and "receive" from 3:00 pm to 8:00pm. I didn't know I was supposed to do that! There wasn't a "line of people". It was a huge amount of people and the funeral home opened up two more rooms to hold people. I went from person to person and I was being introduced to people. I just remember hugging and crying and meeting and thanking countless people.So, in addition to the insurmountable grief I have, I also feel that I did something wrong! What should I have done? Dear Bereaved: Etiquetteer’s heart bled reading your letter, and not just because of your grief. What vicious jackals your mother and her friend are, to "make fun of" you at such a vulnerable moment! Such wickedness, such absence of compassion! Etiquetteer cannot condemn them enough and is so sorry you had to put up with this taunting along with everything else. It is usual for stated times for the family to receive to be published in funeral announcements, and Etiquetteer is assuming that your family did so. The world knows that Etiquetteer loves a receiving line. But after extensive research, Etiquetteer cannot find chapter and verse in any of the standard American etiquette books requiring the family to receive by the coffin. The tradition is there, but it’s local custom or religious requirement more than anything that dictates what to do. Etiquetteer vividly remembers his grandfather’s funeral in 1974, which took place in the South, when the family received at the funeral home, but not in the same room with the casket. But Etiquetteer has also attended New England funerals of Catholic families who have received next to deceased in an open casket.So Etiquetteer really cannot fault you for receiving your son’s mourners as you did, but it is not an approach Etiquetteer would permit at a wedding. All that remains to be said is that you and your family have Etiquetteer’s sympathy on the death of your son, and Etiquetteer’s sorrow that your mother has expressed her own grief by criticizing you.
I regret to inform you of the death of Catherine Elizabeth Schulz on Sunday, March 4, after a long illness. A private funeral service will take place on Friday, March 9, at All Saints Church. A memorial service will be scheduled later. In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions may be made to [Insert Bereaved’s Choice of Charity Here]. Smith Funeral Home, 15 Main Street, Anytown, handling all arrangements.
Office Etiquette, Vol. 4, Issue 41
Dear Etiquetteer: Can you talk a bit about the pitfalls of deadpan humor in office situations - from co-workers, bosses or underlings? I sometimes wonder if I am inappropriate. Dear Dead Duck: The biggest pitfall there is is being taken seriously. Nothing is worse than realizing your snappy comeback was taken at face value as an insult. It’s sort of like realizing the woman whose due date you just asked about is not at all pregnant.What this really means is you have to know your audience. Too much wisecracking at a job interview or on your first day on the job, or with anyone you’re meeting for the first time in a professional setting – it’s like setting off a string of firecrackers. One of them could put someone’s eye out.Etiquetteer blames World War I for all this. Before the "war to end all wars" society knew how to pay a well-turned compliment. After the war, during the Roaring Twenties, the well-turned compliment fell to the well-aimed wisecrack. This evolved into the insult humor we know so well now, alas. Society has lost the art of creating a verbal posy, and more than a few people end up bruised without knowing how to say so.Now Etiquetteer doesn’t mean that humor has no place in the office – not so! Indeed, That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much laughs louder than anyone in the place does. But again, know your audience.Etiquetteer can make only one other comment here, which is never to joke aboutDilbert with employees who report to you or who are lower on the corporate ladder. They interpret it differently, and you could only come out looking like the Evil Pointy-Haired Boss with your observations.
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Dear Etiquetteer:This past week a co-worker was out sick from the office. As I was sitting at my desk I heard his telephone ring and normally I wouldn't think anything of it, except following the ring came a voice of another co-worker (who does not assist or supervise this individual) answering his telephone. This individual answered the phone to let the person calling know that he was out sick and took a message. This person could not assist or provide any information to the caller because this person is a separate entity from him. I thought first that this was out of line and inappropriate to answer a colleague's phone; second, this hindered his ability to check voicemail from home and forward along any impertinent time-sensitive information to other co-workers in the office. In this situation was it appropriate for this person to answer a co-worker's phone when they are out sick and what would your response be (besides that of bewilderment) to the co-worker you witnessed answering the phone? I look forward to hearing your thoughts! Dear Perturbed: Well, you’re not going to like this, but Etiquetteer’s first thought about this is that you need to learn the difference between "pertinent" and "impertinent." The former means "relevant to the situation" and the latter is really a dressy way to say "sassy."Someone once said something like "Never attribute to malice what you can put down to incompetence." Unless you know this colleague to be a wicked, back-biting and evil person eager to take every advantage against other colleagues, Etiquetteer encourages you to attribute this person’s actions as an absent-minded desire to help the caller. After all, one can never assume that colleagues writhing in pain on a sickbed have remembered to change their voicemail.As a general rule, however, if it’s not your phone, it’s not your business.
The Case of the Broke Bridesmaid, Vol. 4, Issue 40
Dear Etiquetteer:
My very dear friend moved to the other side of the country a couple months ago and is now having a shotgun wedding - albeit to a man she's very much in love with. Blessed Bride invited me to the wedding, asked me to be a bridesmaid and all those lovely things. Of course I accepted and am thrilled to be there for her special day.
However, due to the time constraints, in a very short timespan I'm spending a great deal of money ($850 so far) on airfare, rental car, hotel, bridesmaid's dress & accessories (appropriate undergarments are not cheap!), wedding gift, shower gift, hairstyling, manicure, and pedicure on the wedding day, etc. I need some advice from you on some of the weekend's activities.
One of her family members is hosting a bridal shower that is the night before the rehearsal dinner. She sent us the following information regarding the shower: Aunt Eccentric is hosting a dinner at a Mexican restaurant (everyone will have a choice of two dinners) the cake, drinks and the invites. Crazy Cousin is hosting the centerpieces.
According to Crazy Cousin, “There is a ‘no-host bar’ meaning if you want booze, it is on you. If you gals (bridesmaids) wanted to host that part you could, but it could get costly at $20 a pitcher for margaritas. Also, dear bridesmaids, [Insert Name of Online Party Provider Here] has some cute inexpensive fiesta party favors if you gals wanted to do favors for the shower.” Crazy Cousin also suggested that “one of you gals who is into scrapbooking puts together a pre-made small scrapbook that ladies can add their words of wisdom to Blessed Bride to in the captions at the shower then the shower photos can just be added once they are developed.” A fellow bridesmaid said that she will host the bride’s thank-you notes.
Etiquetteer, please help! I’m already going broke just being there for her special day (not to mention that the Blessed Bride still owes me $500!) Can you advise me as to how much participation I should have in these events? As bridesmaids, we are going in together on a rather nice shower gift. I’ve picked out a perfectly proper wedding gift and even made by hand a lovely wedding card.
As far as shower, rehearsal dinner, bachelorette party go, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing. What is expected of bridesmaids when it comes to bridal showers? I’m sober, so I have no intention on chipping in on alcoholic beverages. Are we expected to pay for tacky maraca keychains as favors? Should someone be planning a “bachelorette party?” What is the role of the maid of honor vs. other bridesmaids? As a bridesmaid, should I offer to help out in some way for the shower by paying for some element of the shower? Would it be all right if I bought a lovely book in which we record who gave which gifts at the shower? Or, purchased/made a scrapbook as suggested?
Never mind that I feel the shower is not appropriate as it is two nights before the wedding and feels like it’s just an excuse for gifts. And, the baby shower will be just around the corner, right in time for the holidays. And, I did all the legwork related to bridesmaid dresses since we're scattered throughout the country. I’m trying to put all my resentful feelings aside but as a singleton I’m finding this really hard to swallow. I am so happy for the bride & groom and want to be Perfectly Proper, as you say, but I can’t afford to go broke on this.
Dear Broke Bridesmaid:
As the ladies at Smart and Sassy say, Etiquetteer’s head exploded reading your letter. What a tangle! Let’s try to sort this out, shall we?
Etiquetteer suspects this whole bridesmaid thing was a lot easier when everyone concerned lived in the same town, or at least the same county. Then it was relatively easy to arrange for gown fittings, bridal showers, and other gatherings. These days we have sacrified Proximity to Personal Choice, but the true cost of that sacrifice is felt at weddings and other such gatherings the most.
Believe it or not, it’s not the best of taste for family members to host the bridal shower. That’s usually done by the bridesmaids, or even by friends of the mother of the bride. Whichever members of the wedding party live closest to the bride (maid of honor or not) ought to take the lead here, but as maid of honor you should be involved in the arrangements. But not now; keep reading.
In this case, let’s be thankful that Aunt Eccentric is easing the burden. But with her parceling out donor opportunities the way she is, it doesn’t really sound like she wants to, does it? Etiquetteer really doesn’t care for this sort of thing. If you’re going to throw the party, throw the party and don’t assign people (especially total strangers) to spend money on your own ideas. So Etiquetteer thinks you should treat Auntie’s suggestions as just that: suggestions. If she really wants other people to foot the bill for a party she’s hosting, then all of you should have been involved in the decisions about where and what the party would be.
Under the circumstances, a bachelorette party sounds Most Improper, so please quash that at once if someone springs that idea. Etiquetteer just can’t take the idea of a pregnant bride in some nightclub outfit riding around in a stretch limo with her girlfriends, rolling down the window at intersections to say “Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?” And Etiquetteer shivers in fear to think what “hosting the bride’s thank-you notes” might mean.
With the heavy commitment you’ve made merely to attend the wedding in the appropriate uniform, and all your work handling the fittings for the rest of the wedding party, Etiquetteer believes you to have fulfilled your duty apart from actually attending the wedding. What a pity, Etiquetteer notes acidly, that it seems no one offered you a room in one of their homes, knowing that you’d have to travel a distance to be there. And Etiquetteer is disappointed to see no reference to the bridesmaid’s luncheon, which the bride hosts for her bridesmaids and when she give them her gifts. Let’s hope this will be a lovely surprise for you when you arrive.
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Intrusive Fragrances and Other Matters, Vol. 4, Issue 39
Dear Etiquetteer: Is it appropriate to engage a well-known politician regarding his (to me) odious policies when he is attending a wedding as a guest?Specifically, should I find myself at a wedding at which Mitt Romney is present, may I approach him, politely, and inform him that I am one voter who strongly opposes his policies toward gays? That is, his support for the odious attempt to amend the Massachusetts constitution to overturn the court's requirement to extend marriage rights to gay men and women? And I should mention that this is a straight wedding, between previously divorced bride and groom. Dear Wedding Guest: Oddly enough, your letter irresistibly reminded Etiquetteer of the late Merle Oberon as she appeared in The Scarlet Pimpernel, saying to the Prince of Wales "Ah, but even a goddess must have moments when she is just a plain woman." (Really, Etiquetteer doesn’t know why don’t run out and rent this movie at once.) Which is to say that it’s highly unlikely that the governor is attending in the official of role of governor, but merely as a private person who is a friend of the Happy Couple. As odious as you find the governor’s policies to be, Etiquetteer would encourage you to respect your hosts and the occasion by not raising the issue. Should you be introduced to the governor, you might always write a Letter of Outrage and send it along to his office the next day. Now, if you end up chatting with the governor and he raises the topic himself, well, it’s open season and he deserves what he gets.
Dear Etiquetteer:Is there any appropriate way to ask a person of multicultural/bi-racial background what their ancestry is about, without seeming prying, overly curious, or, worst of all, somehow racist?Dear Prying and Overly Curious But Probably Not Somehow Racist:No, so mind your own business.
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Dear Etiquetteer:How does one, if one does, tell a friend who's a Radical Faerie, back-to-nature type, that their not using antiperspirant or mouthwash as a matter of principle leads to their often not smelling their best? How does one tell a friend who does too much marijuana that their getting stoned leads to their exhibiting unpredictable, unpleasant behavior, and that one would rather they did not get stoned around one? Dear Affronted: Well, you can bet that Dorothy Parker never had to deal with situations like these.Why does one have such friends in the first place? By this Etiquetteer does not mean pagans, rustics, or those willing to act on principle, but those who exhibit antisocial behavior. Etiquetteer doesn’t really care how people do it, but everyone is responsible for managing their own personal odor. Deity of Your Choice above, hasn’t this person even heard of patchouli oil?!This is a tough one, and no mistake. Aside from holding a conversation with a handkerchief over your nose and mouth – "I’m sorry, but it smells like they must be burning leaves at the bottom of the garden, or a skunk, or maybe the toilet backed up again, etc."" – Etiquetteer is at a loss. This is exactly the sort of person who should be given heavily scented soaps on all holidays. As for your spleef-toking friend, you communicate your displeasure by leaving the instant he or she lights up a joint. If this behavior takes place in your own home, you have an obligation to yourself to insist that he or she snuff it. Many don’t believe it, but both these situations can be handled politely. In the first case, plead headache, as in "Oh, I’m sorry I have to go, but the pot fumes give me a migraine." In the second, simply remind the pothead that smoking isn’t permitted in your home.
Reader Response, Vol. 4, Issue 38
If you remember that nobody likes to be grouped with the indigents, it's easy to respond. As for the dolt who puts linen napkins in dirty plates, there's no need to be polite. Unless this idiot is blind and cannot see what other guests are doing with their napkins, simply watch Cousin Zebulon and when he starts his act, speak in a loud voice, "Cousin Zebulon! Please don't do that! I have to wash that napkin." There is absolutely no need to spare the feelings of people like Zebulon if he has had the opportunity to learn better.Etiquetteer responds: Etiquetteer could not agree more with the way you nip solicitations in the bud, but must remind you of the age-old dictum that a guest can do no wrong. Publicly humiliating one's errant cousin at the dinner table -- tempting though it seems! -- would embarrass everyone there, not just Zebulon himself. Etiquetteer continues to believe that finding a quiet way to keep him from soiling the linens unnecessarily remains the best way.
EXAMPLES FROM THE DAILY LIFE OF ETIQUETTEERFrom the Department of Shut Up and Eat, Etiquetteer lashes out at two old men who darn near ruined a beautiful dinner dance the other night. Guests ordered tickets and indicated their meal choices six weeks in advance for this private club event. Many, Etiquetteer included, selected "Filet Mignon with Bearnaise Sauce." You wouldn’t think this would be a problem, would you? As Etiquetteer’s table was being served (ladies first, in Perfect Propriety) some faces began to fall. Murmurs of concern were exchanged between couples. "It isn’t rare," Etiquetteer heard one lady tell her husband. This did not prepare Etiquetteer for the vehemence of this man’s response when the waitress came to serve him. Before his plate even touched the table he boomed at her "I want RARE!" Didn’t his poor sainted mother ever teach him to say "please"?The poor waitress fled like a startled rabbit in the face of that, but worse was to come. Another poisonous octogenarian loudly declared "I want rare without the sauce!" as soon as a waitress came within earshot. When a sauceless filet was produced he cut into it and then vigorously protested that it was not rare. Later still, when the waitress returned with the last steak available and the information that the kitchen never cooked meat rare, the diatribe REALLY began, cowing the rest of the table to silence. "This is the worst damn food," etc. etc. Etiquetteer was mighty tempted to tell him that a lot of hurricane victims would be mighty glad to have a filet on their plate, even if they did think it overdone.So, long story short, a lovely evening reduced to a shambles by two dietary divos. Enough! If you’re going to be that fussy about your food you might as well stay home.
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After Etiquetteer’s column on personal solicitation two weeks ago, some readers responded with thoughtful solutions: Dear Etiquetteer: I have a budget for charitable donations and part of it is to support my friends in their choices. Some friends agree that they do not want more stuff (two days of being hosts of a yard sale convinced them) and so I make donations in their honor to charities I know they support. I give money to a local university to help students perform public service, and to the charity that any friend or acquaintance supports through marathons, bikeathons, etc. I find that being able to thank my coworkers, friends and acquaintances for the opportunity is a much better solution than having to decline gracefully. Etiquetteer responds: Your generosity and prudence are to be commended. Etiquetteer has noticed for years that knowing one’s friend’s likes and dislikes goes far in selecting gifts. You are to be commended for observing that some of your friends actually prefer what might be called a non-gift and acting accordingly. Dear Etiquetteer: I have some standard responses memorized for those seeking money for causes:
Customer Service, Vol. 4, Issue 37
Dear Etiquetteer: Don’t you think people should make eye contact with people they do business with? By this I mean that I am disturbed by fellow shoppers/customers who make no human acknowledgement of cashiers and other service people and the disappearing custom of thanking customers. I am so tired of "Here you go" or "You're all set buh-bye," when I want to hear "Thank you!" Dear Eyed: Etiquetteer would add to that litany of apathy the desultory "No problem" that comes from cashiers and waiters. It always suggests to Etiquetteer that they might, in fact, have a problem with doing part of their job.The Declaration of Independence offers some of the best etiquette advice one could use in the United States: " . . . that all men are created equal . . . " This suggests that both customer and employee are fully engaged in the transaction, and not talking on cell phones (you would be amazed at how often Etiquetteer sees this on both sides of the counter), watching television, or talking to friends to the point that the customer/employee is ignored. It also suggests that customer should refrain from condescending to the employee because they (the customer) are so much more superior. You are quite correct that a professionally cheerful "Thank you!" should be the last words from a customer service employee. And it should be acknowledged by the customer with a smile and a nod to conclude the transaction before the customer has started to walk away.Let Etiquetteer add, too, that customer service shouldn’t ostentatiously call attention to itself. Etiquetteer will confess to impatience with hotel operators who say, "It’s my pleasure to connect you" when all they really need to say is "One moment please."
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Dear Etiquetteer: What does one say to the proprietor of a faraway lodge (that I really want to visit) when queried about reservations and his response is "Go online and make your reservations yourself." Twelve hours later, when I had time to get to a computer, the reservation took about 20 minutes to make. The online, impersonal response only reserved one night of my five-day request. Back online, I made reservations at the same place in a different room, surmising that the problem was that the room that I wanted wasn't available for the entire week, so I volunteered to change rooms, ergo making a reservation for the remainder of the five days.The response was favorable but the main lodge, all the other facilities and the dining room are closed for three of the five days. And by the way, once the reservation is made online, there is a no refund cancellation policy. Poor business tactics.And I remain very interested in going there: the dining room is closed, but the lodge is a refuge and CULINARY SCHOOL! Dear Frustrated Foodie: Etiquetteer feels compelled to ask if this lodge is also a refuge from basic customer service. To quote the late Mamie Eisenhower, "Never mess around with some clerk. Always go straight to the top."But with sinking heart, Etiquetteer now observes that you are already negotiating with the proprietor, and not just some reservations agent. How very vexing! So, what do you say to the proprietor? Tell this person exactly what you told Etiquetteer: that you were disappointed to be directed from a person to a website to make your reservations, and then angry and frustrated when the website made a bad, evil reservation for you that was not what you wanted. You then need to insist – nicely at first, then more forcefully if you don’t get results – that the proprietor take your reservation by phone at once.
Personal Solicitation and Table Manners, Vol. 4, Issue 36
Dear Etiquetteer: My partner and I recently hosted a sit-down dinner at our home for my extended family. The spouse of a cousin has the habit (yes, this has happened on more than one occasion) of placing, not to say grinding, his linen napkin into the remnants of his meal on the plate when he has finished his meal. Needless to say, this is rather unappetizing, not to say unhelpful when it comes to laundering the linens. We obviously do not want to offend the spouse, but would like to have this behavior stop. Whatever shall we do? Dear Harried Hosts: The solution is obvious. Instruct your housemaid to keep a close eye on Cousin Zebulon. At the first sign of his completing his meal, she should whisk away his plate before he even has time to fold his napkin. No housemaid? No kidding! You must forgive Etiquetteer’s longing for domestic service. Of course it’s so hard to find good help nowadays that no one even bothers. It’s a grievous thing to have to correct a guest in one’s home, and it should only be done in grave situations (like bringing up politics at the dinner table or criticizing another guest to his or her face). Etiquetteer feels sure you have been tempted to give Cousin Zebulon a paper napkin instead, but singling him out from all the others would have an insulting effect you do not want. Can you be sure that your backwoods relative sits next to you at dinner? This way when you see him start to remove his napkin from his lap, you can relieve him of it yourself, clearing his place at the same time. Purists will note that this violates the rule of clearing everyone’s places only after everyone has finished, but Etiquetteer thinks this the best way to preserve both the napkin and the feelings of the guest. Etiquetteer's readers respond to this columnhere. Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify@etiquetteer.com.
Dear Etiquetteer: Half-a-dozen times each year some friend or relative, out of the blue, writes or e-mails me with a thinly disguised request for money. Sometimes it’s for a business venture that allegedly will make me rich. Sometimes it’s to help with a medical problem (which they'll then refuse to document, even though they know I'm a health professional). Sometimes it’s to support their favorite charity (even though they're aware that I support a number of my own favorite charities). How can I - preferably early in the dialogue - let them know that I don't intend to fulfill their request, without - as is often the case - eliciting an angry response? The range of angry responses is impressive: shock ("How could you think that I was asking for money?"), a guilt trip ("Your parents would roll over in their graves if they knew what a skinflint you are!"), and sometimes it's just an above-it-all "I thought I knew you better" followed by a prolonged cold wind.) Dear Solicited: Etiquetteer has a lot of experience on both sides of this question, as an enthusiastic fund-raiser for underdog arts organizations and as one who has been "touched" for particular "opportunities." Etiquetteer can tell you recognize these conversations when they start. You have the power to make your position known early on by casually mentioning that your own investment strategy is more conservative now or that you’re focusing your charitable giving on your own favorite charities. This pre-emptive strike should alert your solicitors that you’re not interested. With illness it’s a little more challenging. Etiquetteer presumes that you may actually care about the people hitting you up. Confine the conversation as much as possible to the symptoms and treatment of the illness and not its financial repercussions.As the prospect, you have a few ways to react to your solicitors when they become less than polite. (And really, Etiquetteer is appalled by the reactions you detailed.) Etiquetteer frequently finds it beneficial to ignore the "elephant in the room" until an actual request for a specific amount of money is made. This gets you out of the shocked response you mention; then you can answer "Because you just asked me for money." Otherwise Etiquetteer finds you completely justified in observing "I’m so disappointed that only my money means anything to you. I thought we meant more to each other than that." Then you can blow the chill wind.
Three Etiquette Books, Vol. 4, Issue 35
OK, it’s True Confessions Time for Etiquetteer: Etiquetteer just loves Ebay. And in the last little while Etiquetteer has picked up quite a few unusual little etiquette books – some serious, some humorous – for different niches of American society. Etiquetteer thought you might be interested in some of these titles:
COWBOY ETIQUETTE, by Texas Bix Bender (2003): Essentially a book of one-liners, Cowboy Etiquette captures kernels of truth and common sense in an ostentatiously "aw-shucks" homespun manner. But there’s advice for almost every situation, from "When served escargot, pour salt on it and forget it. It will melt while you wait for the next course" and "When you’re standing in line, and it’s a long one, take it like a man" to "Aftershave is not a marinade" and "If you have to tell someone you’re just kiddin’, maybe yer not." Cowboy Etiquette also includes an old-fashioned flip book cartoon of a rude cowboy dining with a lady that demonstrates most of the "don’ts" of cowboy manners.
THE POT SMOKER’S HANDBOOK TO ETIQUETTE, by C.L. Cory (1983): Etiquetteer has always said that good manners are needed in every situation, and yet how to interact with your dealer and how to pass a joint never even entered Etiquetteer’s mind or mailbox. Crudely illustrated by Mike Price (possibly while stoned), The Pot Smoker’s Handbook to Etiquette came from the author’s observation that "The habits and traditions that have crept up the social ladder with the availability to obtain and make use of drugs, are to say the least, unpolished." Chapters of this "strictly fictional and . . . simply designed to entertain" paperback will guide the reader in Proper Purchasing Techniques, how to smoke ("Don’t eat the roach unless hungry"), and how to be the perfect guest or host.
Etiquetteer was most amused by the issue of munchies, apparently an essential component in gatherings of smokers. Guests are instructed never to ask for refreshments, but only to suggest sending out for Chinese food. Hosts are instructed to use the Chinese food hints as their cue to bring out munchies, which they should prepare ahead of time. Etiquetteer thinks that the Pot Smoker’s Chinese Food Euphemism is darn near worthy of Edith Wharton Herself when it comes to the language of indirection.
SYDNEY BIDDLE BARROWS MAYFLOWER MANNERS: ETIQUETTE FOR CONSENTING ADULTS, by Sydney Biddle Barrows and Ellis Weiner (1990): Here’s another book full of Perfect Propriety for Sordid Circumstances, this one directly from the Mayflower Madam Herself, Sydney Biddle Barrows. Among other things, the authors offer sage advice on how to engage an escort, correct your partner’s hygiene, decline an invitation to perform an act you aren’t comfortable with, and converse with someone you met through a dating service.
The book is peppered with amusing footnotes as well as killingly funny charts contrasting old and new manners; "Curbside Comments: Suggested Good Manners for Construction Workers and Their Targets" will leave you howling. The authors treat their subject with a wit and style similar to Etiquetteer’s own; what a pity Etiquetteer isn’t modest enough not to mention it . . .
What’s cute about all this is that Mayflower Manners was published before the Internet revolutionized dating and its attendant services. Indeed, personal answering machines were just making the scene then. References to yuppies, Filofaxes, and the "Ms. vs. Mrs." debate brought Etiquetteer back to the good parts of the 1980s.
Restaurants and Coffee Shops, Vol. 4, Issue 34
Dear Etiquetteer: Something happened today that really annoyed me and I have to ask your advice. At a coffee shop in the town where I vacation, I was patiently waiting for my coffee for a longer than usual time. Turns out my coffee had been taken by the mayor of the town where I live! Is this reason enough to vote for the other candidate? Dear Caffeinated Constituent: Heavens, people change their votes over much more trivial reasons, so Etiquetteer doesn’t see why not. On the other hand, was it abuse of power, absentmindedness, or ignorance of whose coffee he had that led him to take your coffee? Unless the mayor in question has a record of corruption, Etiquetteer would encourage you to give him the benefit of the doubt.
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Dear Etiquetteer: On a recent trip with some friends, we stopped for lunch near a large university. The street was lined with any number of the usual sandwich and pizza joints, and a couple of nice-looking restaurants. We chose one almost at random that looked a little nicer than pizza joints and wasn't too crowded. There was no menu posted at the door, but we thought nothing of it given the neighborhood. After we were seated and the bread and water had arrived, we opened our menus and were aghast to find lunch entrees in the $30-$40 range, far more than we had intended to spend. Properly speaking, what are our options in such a situation? Dear Starving and Startled: Your letter reminds Etiquetteer vividly of a trip many years ago to that most interesting and self-oriented of cities, Manhattan. The news that Sally Ann Howes was performing in the Oak Room of the famous Algonquin Hotel lured Etiquetteer there with two friends. The entrance was so dark that we could not find a sign with the cover charge or menu; like you, no inkling of any financial outlay was revealed until we opened the bar menu and learned that the cover charge was $35 (or some equally outrageous figure) and that the drinks were priced on an equally lavish scale. The restaurant was so dark we think the waiter did not realize we were gone until the show started. At least Etiquetteer continues to hope so.To leave a restaurant as soon as you’ve been seated will only call attention to your party. And properly speaking, it’s never a good idea to call attention to oneself in public. You may infer from this that Etiquetteer finds it Perfectly Proper to lunch on ice water, salad, and Chagrin seasoned with Good Humor.That said, Etiquetteer knows it is simply not possible, financially, for some people to take even that course. When departure is the only option, leave the restaurant quietly. If stopped by the waiter or maitre d’, simply say "I’m sorry we can’t stay for lunch, but we have been suddenly called away" and no more, no matter how tempted you are to keep talking. Trust Etiquetteer, they know why you can’t stay.This should also be a lesson always to look for the menu posted outside most restaurants in little glass cases so that you know what you're getting into before you get into it.