Over the last week it has been quite engaging to read on social media what irritates Etiquetteer’s readers about weddings. There’s quite a lot of stuff we could do without! Such as:
THE WEDDING
Unclear dress codes. Etiquetteer has written about this before. People really do want guidance without guesswork.
Guests not dressing appropriately for the occasion. Etiquetteer remembers hearing many years ago about, um, rural communities where wedding guests would bring their comfortable clothes to change into for the reception. The other end of the spectrum is anything that upstages the bride, such as a “champagne” or “cream” dress that is really white.
“The zeal for uniqueness! Have a decent ceremony in your parish and a nice luncheon after.” Etiquetteer has noticed this most with the design of printed wedding invitations. Now they are all Expressions of the Happy Couple’s Combined Individualities; before they were merely Invitations to an Important Event and what was individual about them was the information on them. It’s not wrong, but sometimes it feels labored, and the information is not conveyed clearly.
“Themed weddings. You don’t need a theme. “The ‘theme’ is the wedding!” Sometimes an added motif contributes to the joy of the day. Etiquetteer attended a wedding where the cake topper was a pair of bride and groom fishes and each guest received a fish magnet as a souvenir (and they may have had a fish on the invitation). But it shouldn’t detract from the focus of the gathering, which is the marriage of two people. Excessive manifestation of a theme should be avoided.
“Parents-in-law with crazy grandiose ideas inviting 150 vague acquaintances without telling the Happy Couple . . . ” Etiquetteer is aghast at the idea of this situation. Once upon a time it was clear and established that the family of the bride hosted the wedding (and reception) and the family of the groom hosted the rehearsal dinner the night before. Sometimes those guests lists could form a Venn diagram with only the narrowest sliver of guests in common. The other point is that a wedding may be celebrated more times than immediately after the ceremony! There is nothing at all wrong with either set of parents hosting a wedding celebration for their own guest list at some point before or after the wedding — possibly as a welcome home when returning from the honeymoon? Let’s be creative, people.
Disruptive children. When the guest list necessarily includes several parents of young children, it is the greatest courtesy for the Happy Couple to provide a nursery for both the wedding and the reception. But if not, parents need to respect the wishes of the Happy Couple and either hire a baby sitter or decline to attend. This very issue is dividing the internet right now, as a bride whose wedding was always going to be No Children Under 12 now has a matron of honor whose new baby will be one month old on the wedding day. Read all about that here.
ECONOMICS
Destination weddings, especially those that exclude loved ones who simply cannot afford to attend. This just breaks Etiquetteer’s heart, truly. The best background for any Happy Couple is not a tropical beach or a mountaintop, but a community of loving family and friends.
“The expectation that the value of your gift should cover the cost of your being there.” Etiquetteer has said it before: an invitation is not an invoice. But the reverse is also true; guests should not expect to see the value of their gift and/or travel expenses repaid in the refreshments offered. (This could also be seen as a suggestion to invite fewer people who have to fly in if you’re not having a sit-down dinner.)
The outrageous cost in general. There are so many reasons for this. Many people want to attribute this solely to the grandiosity of the Happy Couple (and/or their parents), and sometimes that is the case. But in this century, what the middle class thinks of as “nice” has become out of reach for much of the middle class. And let’s not neglect the Wedding Industrial Complex inflating both the costs and the quantity of “necessities.”
THE RECEPTION
“Heavy apps are not dinner.” True, but perhaps it was not intended to be dinner in the first place? Etiquetteer rather likes the idea of rebranding “heavy apps” as high tea. Etiquetteer thinks one’s expectations would be better managed that way.
Any “canned” experience, especially emcees. It is interesting how DJs have remade the reception experience into more of a nightclub show. This isn’t Las Vegas, people.
Loud music. This got mentioned more than once!
“Forcing guests to watch the awkward dances.” If you mean dances like the Hokey Pokey, the Electric Slide, or (God save us) the Chicken Dance, Etiquetteer absolutely agrees. It’s really time to bring back the conga line. You can never go wrong with a classic. But call Etiquetteer contradictory, we must keep the Village People’s “YMCA!” Except . . .
“Having to listen to “Margaritaville” at an alcohol-free evangelical Christian wedding reception.” Actually, Etiquetteer finds this hilarious. But more people should consider the content and meaning of what’s on their playlist. Long ago some brides had to be told that “Jealousy” was a poor choice for a wedding dance, even if it was a lovely tango. And most people are at least dimly aware that “YMCA” has nothing to do with marriage.
Forcing bridesmaids to wear a dress or color that doesn’t suit them. The most compassionate brides are those who understand that everyone in the wedding party should look their best, not just herself.
“The couple shoving cake into each other’s face. What could be a tender moment demonstrating love, care, and devotion turns into a fracas where each demonstrates they can’t be trusted.” Etiquetteer could not agree more.
The garter toss. Yes, this Suggestive Tradition has jumped the shark and should be abandoned.
“Guests with snarky comments about the couple’s choices of venue, cocktail, outfits, vows, traditions, innovations, officiants and anything else. Leave your snark at home and just enjoy. That’s the best gift the couple can receive.” Wise advice for guests! Dear Mother was correct: If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.
“Any public display of affection that suggests they’re marrying for more than sharing property and procreation.” Even today, when almost every Happy Couple has been living together before marriage, focus is drawn (perhaps forcibly) to the fiction that the wedding night is their First Night Together. Etiquetteer can’t help but remember the standard leer “She got hers today, he’ll get his tonight!” Not Perfectly Proper, and Entirely Unnecessary. Let’s move along, shall we?