Dear Etiquetteer:
Thank you for your always helpful guidance for those occasionally awkward social enterprises. I often feel as though I was raised by wolves, and I’m deeply appreciative of your advice. I hope you don’t mind a couple questions, though I doubt they will completely fill your inbox.
First, when extended family dine together for the holidays and one of the family is very hard of hearing, is there some polite phrase or two I might use to indicate to other members to raise their voices so that all might hear? Additionally, is there some jab I might throw to those who insist on using a normal voice to hold inappropriate conversations at the table, knowing those conversations won’t be heard by all?
Next, at supposedly festive gatherings with family, what is the proper response to inquiries regarding the desire to have specific objects from deceased relatives? For example, when elderly sister #1 asks for Grandfather’s popcorn popper, I assume it would be wrong to state clearly that the disgusting thing was finally thrown out years after he passed. How might I politely communicate that the popcorn popper is no longer up for grabs?
Dear Coping:
Etiquetteer commends you for your concern for the hard of hearing around your holiday table. Where the deft touch is needed is making your hard-of-hearing relatives feel included in the conversation without dampening the high spirits of others — which frequent calls of “Speak up so everyone can hear you!” are likely to do.
Your query reminded Etiquetteer of Dear Mother (may she rest in peace) and her desired procedure for the family to open gifts so that she didn’t miss anything. Only one present at a time, each person in turn, with time to admire the present, possibly discuss it, and then of course the discarded wrapping paper must be thrown away in the trashbag before moving on to the next person. It . . . shall we say it dampened the enthusiasm of the day* moving at such a slow pace? The point is, it’s impossible not to miss something during a holiday gathering, despite our best efforts.
But no one likes to feel completely removed from the action, and this is especially true for those who can’t hear so well. Volume is not the only factor in speaking with the hard of hearing; speed and diction are just as important. Lead by example at the table, speaking yourself slowly and distinctly at an appropriate volume so that everyone can hear. You may also occasionally ask someone to repeat themselves more slowly for your own benefit, rather than putting the blame on your hard of hearing guests. “Could you tell me that part again, a little louder please? I missed some of the details.” If you know in advance who will be seated next to that person, encourage them kindly before the meal, without admonition, to speak so that person can understand.
As to inappropriate conversations, nip that right in the bud with a brisk and vigorous “That is not something we talk about at the table. If you’re going to talk about that now, take it into the kitchen and then come back.” Etiquetteer assumes this is your own house, where a host or hostess always directs table talk. If you’re a guest, you might interpose “I think it would be much better if we could talk about this after dinner, away from the table,” accompanied by a Stern Glance.
Etiquetteer will confess to being amused at your disgust over your grandfather’s long-gone popcorn popper, now desired by an older sister. You proved the old saying “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure!” At least she had the grace to wait until your grandfather was cold in his grave. Whenever a request like this comes up, at Christmas or not, be honest and neutral: “I wish I could give it to you, but all those things were disposed of at the time.” She need not know what you think of that Discarded Artifact, or her request for it.
Etiquetteer wishes you charming and distinctly heard conversations across your holiday table.
*Translation: it was agony.