“Tonight, after a long and wearying day . . . [Mrs. Kaplan] was still capable, she reflected whimsically, of stepping in the social breach and, to coin a phrase, ‘get the evening off the ground!’ Her method of achieving this was quite simple. She just talked incessantly.” — from “Bon Voyage,” by Noel Coward
Dear Etiquetteer:
I have a friend who, when at a dinner party, never seems to notice that she talks NON STOP, often in loud, strident tones, and always laughs at her own jokes even when others are not. She also reveals extremely intimate medical details about her husband who is always at her side, yet she yammers on as if he isn’t in the room. As the host, how do I adroitly steer the conversation to others without saying as did, for example, a business colleague to his wife while hosting a packed event for his alma mater in his home, “For God’s sake, shut up!!!”
Said friend also gorges on hors d’oeuvres then loudly gobbles huge amounts of food at the dinner table, often loudly declaring, “Oh my God! I’m so full but I just have to eat all this delicious food?" We’ve known her for decades but her behavior gets worse. Is the only option not to invite them when we have other guests? Thank you for any suggestions.
Dear Forebearing:
Your query immediately reminded Etiquetteer of a long-ago Dear Prudence question from a woman who spent five hours driving somewhere with her mother who did not draw breath the entire trip, unable to stop talking and completely unaware that she was repeating the same stories over and over. Etiquetteer is no doctor, and doesn’t even play one on TV, but excessive garrulity could be indicative of dementia. As this is a Friend of Long Standing, and someone who has not always behaved this way — Etiquetteer would not otherwise suggest this — you might ask her husband very privately about the state of her health.
Of course your Garrulous Friend may really just think she’s being witty and vivacious and not a gasbag. In either case, you’re quite right that other guests should also be given the chance to join the conversation. Not everyone picks up on subtle hints, like changing the subject. You may have to be very direct with your friend: “Ermentrude, I am sure you would like to hear what Ethelred has to say about this,” or even “Now Ermentrude, it’s time to give someone else a chance.”
In the Noel Coward short story quoted above, the loquacious Mrs. Kaplan is confounded at last by another passenger, Lady Bland: “Whenever she opened her mouth to speak, Lady Bland put down her knife and fork and leaned forward with an expression of steely politeness which would have silenced the chatter of a cageful of orangutans.” Not a strategy you can use as a host yourself, since you have an obligation to be gracious to your guests . . . but it might be instructive to your other guests*.
Your Garrulous Friend’s ostentatious enjoyment of your food might be silenced with portion control. Instead of offering hearty hors d’oeuvres with drinks in the living room, just put out a bowl of nuts or olives and serve an hors d'oeuvre as the first course at the table — a trio of oysters or cheese puffs or something small.
Otherwise, you might want to entertain this woman and her husband separately from your other friends, or even let them carry the social ball and host themselves. Etiquetteer wishes you well in damming the torrent.
*It is so very naughty of Etiquetteer even to suggest this.