Dear Etiquetteer:
Hello and Happy Summer! My fiancé and I are getting married this October — his second marriage, my first. The issue of registering for gifts has left us in a quandary, as we are older, financially comfortable, and really don't need anything. In fact, we recently moved and purged loads of excess stuff.
Truthfully, we would prefer no gifts (especially from those traveling to the wedding), but we know there is no tasteful way to convey this. Also, even if we suggested that guests make a charitable donation in lieu of a gift, I am certain many would still give us some sort of present to mark the occasion.
As such, we also recognize that a registry is an invaluable resource to help guests purchase a gift that actually makes the happy couple happy. In the absence of one, we may be inundated with picture frames, cutting boards and scented candles.
With all this in mind, do you have any suggestions on how we can handle this delicate matter in a perfectly proper manner?
Dear Bride to Be:
First, congratulations on your impending nuptials! And how refreshing to hear from a Happy Couple who actually care about the impact their Special Day will have on their guests.
In fact, the Perfectly Proper way to convey that you don’t want gifts is to include “No gifts please” on your invitations. Etiquetteer used to be opposed to this, but discovered some interesting historical precedent that changed his mind, which you may read about here. That’s all you need to say to be tasteful. Please don’t elaborate along the lines of “Your presence is your present,” which can only lead to a lot of “Haw haw, a pun! Get it?” types of commentary.
You’re right, even with that instruction there will be a few people who will give you wedding gifts anyway. While this may come from the cultural expectation that wedding guests give gifts, Etiquetteer prefers to think that these loved ones are genuinely motivated by a desire to make themselves part of your Newfound Happiness in a tangible way, even though you’ve asked them not to give you something. When approached (people will ask), be firm about your wishes. “Really, we just finished getting rid of a lot of things and are not looking to fill the house again! All we want is you with us on our special day.”
Even if you do get a collection of unwanted scented candles, etc., send Lovely Notes of Thanks. These items may always be regifted (carefully outside the circle of the giver!) or donated to your local thrift shop.
Dear Etiquetteer:
How early is too early to send out a save-the-date card for a 70th birthday party? It falls in December when people have so many other commitments. I’m thinking within the first week of December for a birthday a couple days before Christmas. What do you think?
Dear Birthday Boy:
One’s first 70th birthday is always a milestone, and Etiquetteer wishes you joy both in preparation and celebration. Given that this is a milestone birthday practically on Christmas, Etiquetteer thinks you could send a save-the-date immediately after Thanksgiving. You may wish to tip off Friends at a Distance earlier, because they might want to alter travel arrangements to make your party. Expect to follow up with people individually in the week before the party, just because the winter holidays are always so active.
Etiquetteer wishes you many very happy 70th birthdays after this one!