Dear Etiquetteer:
I hope some day you publish etiquette rules for naturists. That would be fresh and international! Most people do not know how to behave at a naturist venue.
Dear Naturist:
Thank you for asking; Etiquetteer will address your specific questions below. Every place is a Perfectly Proper place for etiquette, including — some may be scandalized to consider it — the nude beach. With most of the world gripped by an appalling heat wave that may tempt many people to doff their duds, Etiquetteer, with some anxiety, submits some guidelines for Perfectly Proper enjoyment of a free beach, pool, or resort.
First-timers first need to decide why they are going. Curiosity, a personal challenge, the need for freedom — these are not uncommon reasons.
This may seem counterintuitive for a visit to a nude beach, but one of the most important considerations when going is Privacy. More people than you think are going because they want to be on their own and aren't in a Mix and Mingle Mood. Perfectly Proper beachgoers respect the personal space of others by not establishing themselves too close (at least not until the beach or pool gets crowded), not persisting in unwelcome conversation, and especially not taking clandestine photos (more on that later). Your consideration of others helps foster a safe environment for all.
Gawkers are not unknown at textile beaches. But their behavior is creepier at free beaches because beachgoers, both male and female, can feel more vulnerable without clothes. Let's just stop it with the unwelcome staring, shall we? Be at the beach for yourself, not the view.
Speaking of the view, it's also rude to comment on the appearance of others. No one is obligated to look attractive to you, and derogatory remarks, no matter how sotto voce, are Not Perfectly Proper. In her wonderful book On Going Naked, Jan Gay remembered young Americans at a 1930s German nudist camp: “. . . young men who were rather rude and silly and inclined to make 'smart cracks' about the appearance of the women. The guests here were largely family groups with a preponderance of mature women . . . Several of the Germans present understood English and realized the impoliteness of their American visitors, but they did not betray their awareness . . . they bore with the rudeness of these Americans much in the spirit of martyrs enduring for a just cause.” “If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all” remains good advice.
Your gear should include everything you'd ordinarily take to the beach except a bathing suit: hat, sunglasses, umbrella, towel, snacks and drinks, thick paperback novel,* and most important, sun block. If you're going alone, you might consider bringing a sunblock applicator with a long handle, like this one. It will help you can take care of your back without Offers of Unwelcome Assistance.
And now to answer your specific questions:
How should a man deal with spontaneous and visible “excitement?”
Gentlemen always ask about this first, mostly out of fear. The most common question about nude beaches has the simplest solution. Just roll over or use a towel for cover until you feel calmer. After all the anxiety, most men find that this is not actually a problem.
At a resort with chairs and chaise longues around, how can I feel more comfortable sitting where others have sat before?
This is why you bring your own towel (or two) everywhere, to sit on. Towels are totally de rigueur. The fastidious may also wish to bring their own spray cleaner and paper towels, but that could easily appear fussy or paranoid.
Can you kiss in the pool?
“Nude is not lewd” as naturists say often, but Excessive Public Display of Affection undercuts that assertion. Beyond a quick peck, Etiquetteer would suggest you get a room.
Can you take pictures? In which circumstances?
Absolutely not without complete, total, and utter consent from everyone who shows up in the photo, even from a distance. Sad to say, reputations are still made and lost on the internet, no matter how casually those vacation snapshots have been shared. You really need to be rigorous about this. AANR also mentions the implications of photographing children, accidentally or on purpose. “Totally avoid taking photos of nude under-age children at the beach as it just isn’t worth the confrontation you will be inviting.”
How does one attend a naturist wedding?
Many guests might prefer just to send a gift! If you're going to go, it’s important to honor the dress code, which is an easy out if that’s beyond your comfort level. If it's just the Happy Couple appearing au naturel . . . well, once again, your comfort is the most important thing to consider.
Is it decent to wear intimate jewelry?
Coco Chanel’s classic advice “Put on everything you think is right and take one piece off” has fresh meaning here. This is very much a matter of personal taste. Waist chains and piercings tend to attract attention, which is not what everyone wants at a nude beach or resort. Etiquetteer would subtract rather than add jewelry.
Should you shave your nether regions before a naturist vacation?
Good grooming is essential whenever one goes out in public, but shaving or depilation is really more a matter of personal aesthetics. Fashions have changed over the centuries. Ancient Romans would regularly depilate themselves at the baths, a custom that ended when the Goths dropped in. If you’re going to go nude at the beach, present yourself in the way you are most comfortable, whatever that is.
You may read more about free beach etiquette at The American Associaiton of Nude Recreation.
*Etiquetteer's two favorites will always be The Thorn Birds and Valley of the Dolls.