ETIQUETTEER!
Do you have something to say about how rude it is for people to not show up when they’ve committed to something? It’s become such a problem professionally. I have clients who host events and people RSVP and don’t show up and it’s also been a problem with my women’s networking group. Is this a product of Covid or are people just getting ruder?
Dear Ghosted:
The short answer to your question is yes. Yes, ghosting events (including, to Etiquetteer’s astonishment, job interviews and even new jobs) is a product of COVID, and yes, people are also getting ruder. Avoiding in-person events of any kind has become sort of a meme. Gary Janetti’s book titles Do You Mind If I Cancel? and Start Without Me are just two examples. News flash: COVID, easily transmissible with close human contact, has made people wary of getting out and about, especially now (again!) with the new variants. And not everyone is willing to admit that they might feel anxious about this.
But a lack of concern about the impact one’s behavior has on others predates the pandemic; one might say it’s the perpetual state of society*. Obviously masking is the big pandemic issue — is, it’s still going on. Before the pandemic Etiquetteer noticed it most with people using their personal devices without headphones, so that everyone around them was forced to “enjoy” their phone conversations or Bad Musical Selections. Before personal devices, it was smoking in the no-smoking section.
Another factor is that, unbelievably, after two years of the pandemic, workers are spending 21.5 hours a week in meetings, “an increase of 7.3 hours since the pandemic began.” Is this not insane? No wonder people are ghosting, as so many meetings are actually more productive when they are emails instead.
Etiquetteer still believes that reliability is a cornerstone of Perfect Propriety, particularly in the workplace, where reputations are made and lost on showing up. When plans change — and this can include everything from a death in the family to crippling depression — it’s important to work through whatever difficult emotion there is to notify the organizer that you won’t be there.
How do we handle ghosting by others? The Perfectly Proper way is by showing compassion. If so inclined, after being ghosted, follow up with a text or email along the lines of “I missed you at [Insert Event Here]. I hope you’re OK and not sick with COVID.” Please refrain from sarcasm, but Etiquetteer will allow a certain Cold Civility if the event ghosted was a wedding or funeral, or if the ghost was responsible for part of the program.
It’s sometimes helpful, in advance, to think through a couple Worst Case Scenarios for when one or more people might not make it. The scenarios may never come about, but it can help you feel more prepared for all sorts of issues. Etiquetteer wishes you a packed house, and Strength and Calm when the numbers come up short.
(This is not just in the corporate realm either. That Mr. Dimmick Who Thinks He Knows So Much, reading your query over Etiquetteer’s shoulder, slowly flushed with shame with the realization that last month (!) after confirming by text attendance at a farewell party next day, he completely forgot about it and didn’t go. The only solution now is groveling and flowers, and perhaps wine.)
*Cleveland Amory suggests this in his excellent book Who Killed Society?, tracing commentary from 1960 all the way back to the founding of the United States from people who felt things were always better in the Good Old Days and always continuously getting worse and worse.