Dear Etiquetteer:
I can’t seem to find the right words to inform a close relative that we will be skipping his holiday party as he and his wife are still not vaccinated for COVID. I planned on a vague response to the invitation originally, but now it turns out there’s a second get together where he and his wife will be present and we do not want to attend for that same reason. Can you help me find the right words? We’ve been wrestling with this for a couple days. I forgot to mention that we already had said we were available for the second get together, so now I need to retract that availability.
Dear Cautious:
Because COVID protection has transitioned almost completely to personal choice*, that means not only that you have the opportunity to respect the choices of others, they have the opportunity to respect yours. The good news for you is that, overall, people are much more understanding about canceling or declining invitations than they were pre-pandemic.
Your response, written or verbal, should include the Three Cs: Compassion, Caution, and Concern. You want to express compassion for your hosts, caution about your own health, and concern for the health of others. Here’s a sample message to your relations:
Dear [Insert Names Here]:
Thanks so much for your invitation for the party on [date]. COVID is still a concern for us -- getting it or giving it -- so we are not getting around much this season after all. We won't be able to come, but appreciate the invitation so much. Next year, we hope! Thanks so much for understanding.
Love,
Cautious
And for your other party hosts:
Dear [Insert Names Here]:
We are so sorry that we won’t be able to come to your party on [date] after all. COVID is still a concern for us -- getting it or giving it -- so we’re pulling back on events this month. Thank you so much for understanding. We were really looking forward to it! I hope we can find a smaller way to get together later.
Love,
Cautious
Because these family and friends are close to you, you can begin “You know us well enough to know that COVID continues to concern us, even this far into the pandemic.” The appeal for their sympathy is important in “Thank you for understanding.” It might make them feel guilty if they got huffy about your not coming. You’ll notice, too, that nowhere is anyone’s vaccination status mentioned. On consideration, it felt accusatory to mention it, and it certainly would not change the situation for the better.
Etiquetteer wishes you safe, beautiful, and Perfectly Proper celebrations of the Holiday(s) of Your Choice.
*The notable exception in Etiquetteer's world is public transportation, where masks are still required.