Dear Etiquetteer:
I have brunch every Sunday with my neighbor D. We take turns driving to a nearby bistro to pick up our orders. It’s lovely to sit down to a delicious meal and have a chat, but sometimes I just want to have all of Sunday to myself. We order brunch at 10:00 and by the time it’s picked up and on our plates it’s 10:30 or later. Then just like that a good portion of the day is gone.
On the times that I’ve suggested that she is welcome to have brunch with someone else or we skip a week, she gets an almost sad look on her face and explains how much she’d miss her corned beef hash. Yes, she orders the same thing week after week and is always surprised when I change up my order. Somehow I think it would be better if she believes that it’s her idea to skip brunch occasionally. She does actually cancel now and then but I when I mention that I have a call at our usual time she just says we can do it later.
D is semi-retired from her own business. She’s her own boss, while I still work full time for a large corporation. She does respect my time during the week but seems to forget that I need the weekend to catch up on everything else. She's a very energetic 70-year-old woman and can do more in a day than most people 20 years younger. She's a great friend and I don't want to do anything to offend her, but it’s clear I need to do something when I want to celebrate non-brunch Sundays.
Dear Bracketed into Brunch:
It’s rarely Perfectly Proper to refuse a gift, but a guilt trip is not a gift. And “great friends” are not the sort who keep trying to give them to you. What you need to do is stop feeling guilty about spending your time as you choose. The old expression “No one can take advantage of you without your permission” applies here. When D tells you “Oh, we can go later,” tell her, “Actually, I can’t.” When D starts to get droopy about missing her hash*, cheerfully remind her that she can still order it and enjoy it without you. You are not the secret ingredient. So lose that long face, D! Turn that frown upside down!
You might even think about billing your “non-brunch Sundays” in such a way that the focus is on your solitude. Tell D you’re planning a Self Care Sunday or a Solitude Sunday or Me Day to underline that you’re blocking 24 full hours to clear your mind.
When you are brunching, use the conversation for clues about D’s other friends (people she could connect with when you aren’t available) and interests (for things you could encourage her to do when you aren’t available). But just as you are responsible for your own time, so is D responsible for hers. Routine is comfortable and reliable, of course, and Etiquetteer has observed that routine becomes more valuable as one ages. But having a Plan B also makes a Perfectly Proper difference when routines get disrupted.
Etiquetteer wishes you well as you negotiate a neighborly arrangement that honors your boundaries.
*Etiquetteer has been known to order the same thing for years and years at certain restaurants. When you’ve found perfection, nothing else will do, whether it’s lobster Newburg or chicken fried rice.