Dear Etiquetteer:
I’ve just spent the better part of two weeks caring for my neighbor’s cat. I live right next door. The cat has been miserably unhappy the entire time but I haven’t really told my neighbors. I think that their request was a bit excessive but they said they had no one else, not even their own son who lives five minutes away. He did go over to tend to the cat two whole days.
If they ask again, what do I say? I really have no valid reason why I can’t simply walk over there every day but two weeks is too much.
Same neighbors often very kindly invite me over for dinner, usually grilled burgers which is great with me, except the burgers are terrible. It’s like chewing on ground chip board. I'm looking for some help to create a list of reasons I can’t go over there for dinner. Oops, I mean a list of reasons why I will have to decline their offers. It is my turn to reciprocate and make dinner for them; perhaps some perfectly delicious burgers made my way.
Dear Catty-Cornered:
It’s queries like this that pit Etiquetteer’s Dear Mother against Hollywood Jane Austen. Dear Mother always said that “Honesty is the best policy.” But Hollywood Jane Austen also said “Honesty is a greatly overrated virtue*.” Where is the balance?
Your Cat Care Conundrum come in two parts: the cat’s health, and Perfectly Proper neighborly support. You never know when you might need their assistance when you’re away or (let’s hope not) incapacitated. It sounds as though this might be the first time they’ve made this request. If they make it too often — say, two or three times a year — you need to say you’re unavailable, but with an air of Infinite Regret. Otherwise, be as accommodating as you’re able. You can’t predict when you’ll need a favor from them.
As to the cat’s health, you need to be Perfectly Frank with them about what was happening. “You know, I didn’t tell you, but while you were away Fluffy was just disconsolate without you. Have you talked to your veterinarian?” Your neighbors can’t take action to keep their pet healthy without information only you can provide. Speak up, and be as specific as you can about what you observed.
Neighborly hospitality does sometimes require patience, truly. But you’ve already discovered that quietly providing a Good Example of How Things Are Done is the best rejoinder. Follow your impulse to serve Burgers Your Way when you invite them over next, but don’t treat it like a Teachable Moment. Share what’s special — a method, ingredient, or seasoning, whatever — like you’re admitting them into a Secret Society. You might end up discussing cooking influences and expand both your repertoires.
Best wishes for a successful outcome, and bon appetit!
*Etiquetteer says Hollywood Jane Austen because, while this quote comes from the 1940 film version of Pride and Prejudice, it does not seem to appear in the text of Miss Austen’s novel.